As I Am (Kelani)

QUINN'S POV

Going to New York on Thanksgiving was risky. I was aware that it could all blow up in my face, but I was so tired of waiting for things to happen one day between us that I was willing to take a chance.

She'd once told me that she'd never been chased, that she had always done the chasing, and while I couldn't dedicate my life to chasing her, I could give her a few days, and hopefully, those few days would make all the difference.

Santana Lopez had been through hell, and I was tired of watching her world crash around her repeatedly. I was tired of seeing all of her talents and charisma wasting away while I was flying so high.

Everything had been magical and perfectly perfect in my neck of the woods. Still, everything I heard about Santana and the things that were going on because of Brittany's suicide attempt was bad. I had to read between the lines to know that she was falling apart because no one told me that, and she has always been way too attached to her pride to admit it freely.

From what I could tell, everyone circled Brittany like sharks, even more than they did after my accident. Noah says it's because they learned from their mistakes with me, but I think it's because people are addicted to fresh tragedy.

I am not one of those people, especially knowing that Brittany had done this shit to herself, and I didn't care if she came out of it feeling different and remorseful.

She'd still raped me, and I felt a pang of sorrow when I found out that she'd survived, not that I admitted that to anyone but Maribel.

My tragedy had been different because I didn't go out looking to have my spine crushed. Did I play a hand in it by texting and driving? Absolutely, but I wasn't looking to break my back.

Brittany had put a gun to her head, knowing what the outcome could be and pulled the trigger anyway. How could I begin to feel sorry for her?

I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how everyone was overlooking the fact that this was premeditated and was instead treating her like some hero.

It's sickening.

No one ever noticed the wreckage when it comes to Santana because she's expected to be the strong one, but I have always seen behind the façade that she puts up.

So, even though my entire family was gathering in California for the holiday, I decided that I would rather do my best to let Santana know that I saw her.

When I saw that she'd sent her parents away, I knew immediately that she'd done it, so she didn't have a reason to return to Lima.

But I also reasoned that she was doing more than hiding.

She was hurting and didn't want anyone to see her, good or bad, and I couldn't let her wallow alone.

When I walked in, the first thing that I noticed was that she had lost way too much weight. Her clothes hung off her, and her eyebrows were cinched up in concentration.

Way more concentration than needed to clean a shot glass, meaning she was trapped in the darkness in her head, and it took everything in me to keep the smile on my face that I had walked in with because I just wanted to slap some sense into her.

This was not what she was meant to be doing, and looking like this, so run down and exhausted, just proved to me that she needed a wake-up call.

Her reaction to my voice gave me life!

Gaunt cheeks were filled with blush, and dark-circled eyes lit up.

Proving yet again that Quinn Fabray's still got it. :)

I felt tipsy after I've downed the most delicious drink known to man, and she's watched me with a nervous smile and vigilant eyes.

"So when is your shift over?" I asked...trying my best to reign in the sloppiness I felt coming on.

"Whenever I say it is." She said, looking over my shoulder at the only other people in the bar who had been singing Christmas carols for about a half hour at the top of their lungs. "Pipe down or take a hike!" She yells at them, and they go silent for a microsecond before breaking down in a fit of giggles so loud and obnoxious that the singing was preferable.

I couldn't help but smile at her as she scowled at them. I was amused at her attempt to glare like me. Her glare has never phased me; it's like seeing a puppy when you deny it attention.

She's too cute to take seriously when she makes that face, which has been many people's downfall when it comes to her. She's cuddly and cute, but she definitely has some claws.

"So if I were to ask you if we could leave, say in..." I looked at my naked wrist, then up at her smirking face. "Five minutes? Could we go?"

She thought about it for a moment, then stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled over the continuing cackles.

The drunks stopped for a moment, completely attentive, and she seemed proud of it.

"Alright, ladies, last call. Bar's closing early."

"Aww!" They groaned before using each other as leverage to get out of their booth.

The less drunk one staggered next to me, smelling to the high heavens and smiled slyly. If she wasn't so gross smelling, she might be marginally passable; from the looks of her companion, she was the ugly one. She looked me over and then slapped her hand on the bar.

A crisp hundred was put down, and then the drunk looked at me again.

"That should cover the bottle and whatever this lady had. Eh, Santana." She attempted to lean into me, and I did my best to lean away without falling off my stool when a metal baseball bat slid onto the bar, separating the leering woman from me.

I looked at Santana in shock, but she wasn't looking at me. She looked at the lecherous drunk, who was now backed up against the next stool, looking surprised.

"What have I told you about harassing the other patrons?" She growled. "Do it again, and you are banned from the bar. Got it?"

"Santana, come on!"

"Do you want me to use this bat because I'm in just the mood to shove it up your ass? Now apologize."

"Okay, Okay." She held her hands up in surrender and then nodded towards me, "I'm very sorry, pretty lady."

"Good, now get the fuck out." Santana said, pointing the bat towards the door. As they headed outside, she chirped happily at their backs and tucked the crisp hundred-dollar bill in her bra. "Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Your boss lets you talk to customers like that?"

"At first, he did, until he realized that people kept coming back looking for me. He thinks I give the place charm or some shit."

"Nice."

"So, he told me I could have whatever bottle I wanted. What do you think I should take?"

"I've been so good since becoming a mom again. I'm thinking I want a margarita later."

"Tequila it is."

"Nice."

I don't know why I did it; maybe it was the way she shivered as we made our way to the train, or it was the romantic in me, but I slipped my hand into hers and pulled it into my pocket so that she was forced to walk by my side.

"You're being overly cute, you know that." She said, a shiver going through her as the wind blew past us so hard that my cheeks felt like ice blocks.

"For the record, I've always been overly cute...you just happen to notice for once."

"I notice more things than you realize; for instance, I noticed that you don't happen to have any luggage...so either you have a hotel in the city, or you were just fucking with me about staying."

She turned her head slightly, just enough that I knew she was listening to my explanation.

"I've got my toothbrush and my wallet...I figured you would provide me with everything else." I admitted bluntly. I didn't want her to misinterpret my intentions even a little. I was definitely here to be with her.

I was there to steal back into her heart by any means necessary, and if that meant walking around her apartment naked for the next three days, then that was what I would do.

"Oh...I guess I should get some laundry done then."

"Or not."

She stumbled over a crack in the sidewalk and then looked over at me with yet another glare, her face pale and her eyebrows cinched so tight they were practically touching.

She had yet to move her hand from mine; they were still linked in my pocket, which saved her from falling on her face, but she looked slightly resentful, so I knew that I needed to come on a little less strong.

We continued walking, but the wall between us was still there; despite my best efforts, it seemed too impenetrable at the moment.

Noah had warned me that she would be on her guard with all that was going on. I didn't think it would be this bad.

This wasn't like old Santana, who I could slap a few times and browbeat into submission, this new version of her had been through some shit, and I needed to be mindful of that if we were ever going to get past this "will we, won't we" stage.

I just wanted to love her, and I needed her to recognize that before I headed back home.

She wasn't kidding about laundry; in fact...the laundry was the least of her problems. Her place was a mess, and she had the nerve to ignore it like it was nothing, but I couldn't just ignore the sink full of dishes and how I could almost smell the dirt and booze in the air.

Santana has always been a bit of a slob, but this was beyond messy. It was borderline...unhealthy.

I entered the apartment ahead of her and was standing in the living room, staring at the full ashtray on the coffee table next to two empty rum bottles. Now that I had taken a breath, I could smell the cigars and marijuana and knew immediately that bringing Santana back into my life permanently wouldn't be as easy or fairy-tale as I had expected.

She needed to heal from the wreckage that Brittany had left on her life, and from what I could see, she wasn't doing it the right way, but this was Santana; this was how she coped.

Being a hermit, a slob and a curmudgeon.

Now that I had Beth, I couldn't just throw myself into a relationship that had no potential, especially not one that could be a bad influence on her, and while Santana would be so important in my daughter's life normally, this was not going to work.

But I wasn't going to give up so easily...because being with her and around her... feels right.

And after losing the one person my teenage self was convinced I'd marry and grow old with because Finn had been that for so long, I couldn't lose her too.

So many times, I've wished I could conjure up these feelings for someone safer...someone like Puck or even Lydia, but my heart wants Santana, and I know hers wants me, too.

I've just got to get her back on the right path...somehow.

SANTANA'S POV

I was off my game and absolutely unsure of how to handle her.

Years spent pining after her secretly, always thinking that I was never good enough for the great Quinn Fabray, and now she was practically throwing herself at me, and I am completely unprepared for it.

How I had forgotten how disgusting my place is, I have no idea. Maybe I've just been drifting through it; knowing I wouldn't have company coming over regularly made me lazy.

And I was exhausted, but I couldn't just tell her to fuck off while I slept, not when she'd come all this way just for me.

She's everything I've ever wanted, and I can't ruin things before they even get off the ground.

I let her into the apartment first, and she has stopped shy of actually walking completely inside, and I don't blame her.

The night that Whitney took Brittany home, she had stopped by my apartment looking for more of Britt's things, and I tried to tell her that I had nothing, but she still barged in and practically tore the place apart, looking for this imaginary stuff.

Once she was gone, I saw that the "stuff" she'd been looking for was the emergency money I kept in my dresser drawer. There were only my most recent tips, maybe a thousand bucks, but once she was through, it was gone.

Dummy me, I had just sat on the couch like a cocky motherfucker and let her rummage through my place and then once she was gone, I went looking for my stash, and when I couldn't find it, I flew into a blind rage.

I trashed the place and had yet to clean up...too upset that I'd need to take every single shift until nearly Christmas to afford January's rent. Thankfully, Papi had paid for December's rent as a Christmas gift to me.

Otherwise...I'd be evicted, and what a Merry Christmas THAT would be!

And the crazy thing is that I didn't even go after her because I knew she'd use it to get home and away from me. Knowing that, I just let it go...let them get as far as they could away from my life.

I was resting against the door, watching her survey the damage and waiting for the inevitable snarky response, when she turned and looked at me with tears in her eyes.

My defenses were immediately on alert. I expected Q to be an asshole and criticize me for letting things get like this, but instead, she looked incredibly sad.

She stuffed her hands in her coat pocket and stepped closer to me until we only had about an arm's length of space between us.

"I didn't know it was this bad...would you mind...if I cleaned up?"

"What? Why the hell would you want to do that?!" I snapped, and she flinched, but I could tell from the spark in her eye that she wasn't going to back down.

Q reached for me, resting her hand on my upper arm as she stepped closer.

"Believe it or not, this is how things would have been for me had Beth not been in my life when things went down with Brittany. She saved me, and I got lucky, but nobody sees or saves you. At least, not without judging the hell out of you. Let me help you?"

"I'm not helpless! I'm not some weak, pitiful little shit that needs to be mothered by you! I'm not your little charity case that you come and patch up for a few days and possibly fuck senseless before you return to your perfect, vanilla existence. This is my LIFE. This is it! You can't fix this shit because..." I couldn't even think of anything to go after that because I knew everything I was saying wasn't true. Brittany and her mother had ripped me to shreds, and my pride was too valuable to run to my parents. I sighed and dropped my hands. Her face was flushed, but she didn't let go of my arm as she waited for me to continue. "I have to save myself, Q, because...I created this mess. If I had just stayed away from you, everything would be fine. My marriage would be fine, and Brittany would be able to dance. Don't you see that? Your charity will be ruined when you head back to Philly, and I am here alone again because this is what I am...I ruin things. I deserve to live like this because I'm NOT good enough to be anything more."

I moved away from her, my hands gripping my hair as I let out a sob that I'm sure my neighbors in the next building would hear. I was frustrated. I was tired, and every single emotion that I had packed in these past few months was now coming out of me, and I couldn't make it stop.

Way to go, Lopez...tell her you aren't weak, and then start crying like a fucking baby.

Good job!

I could feel myself being overcome with a blind rage right until she smacked the shit out of me. This wasn't high school. My rage had been like a tripwire for too long.

For so long, I had been itching to fight, but Britt was too weak to punch, and my mother would have my head if I laid a finger on Whitney, so instead of slapping back, I flew straight at Q.

We'd fought before. She could hold her own. I had my hands on her shoulders, ready to shove her backward, but then I saw the panic in her eyes, and I remembered her delicate back.

I caught her just before she tripped over one of my discarded shoes, using my own body to break her fall as we tumbled to the ground together with my arms wrapped around her.

Her face is against my neck, and she's shaking.

"Fuck...I'm so sorry." I say to her as she shakes against me. "Q?" I said as she laid on top of me, her body against mine perfectly, but I needed to immediately stop that line of thought. I rubbed her back with hopes that the shaking would stop. "That slap hurt..." I say, and then she raises her head, and I see a grin on her face...she was shaking because she was laughing. Of course, she was.

Her hand raised to my burning cheek, and her palm's coolness instantly took the sting away.

"I shouldn't have hit you. That was wrong; I hate what she's done to you. You're fucking pathetic living like this and whining like that. The person you are is so much better and stronger than you're acting. I'm fine. You can let me up."

I dropped my arms, and she used me for leverage as she got back up and then extended her hand to me.

Once I'm up again, I push my hair back with my fingers, reminding myself of Papi and from there, my mind is thinking of how upset he would be to see my apartment in this state, and suddenly, I feel like Quinn is right and I'm not acting like someone who doesn't need help.

I'm being pathetic and need to do something about it if I don't want to feel like a charity case.

So I dug that hundred out of my bra and handed it to her, knowing it would go a long way towards food for the next week, but I didn't care. Quinn looked down at the money in her palm and then at me. A look of confusion was in her eyes, even though she was still smiling.

"There's a Thai place across the street. Can you get me Pad Thai and a Ginger Ale...I'm going to give you a second first impression of my place. Okay?"

She looks around the apartment and then back at me, not completely trusting that I'm telling the truth, but she nods and then turns towards the door, pausing just before opening it.

"San...I know..." She drops her head with her back to me. "things haven't been the best for you, and I've been distant, doing my best to give you your space. Just know that I'm here now, and I will help you whether you like it or not, and you know it. So save us both some trouble and just accept the help."

Before I responded, she pulled the door open and left without another word.

The first thing I did when she left was open up every window in my apartment, even if it was freezing outside. It's the best way to get rid of smells while I take all my laundry to my hall closet and stack it next to the washer/dryer. Next, I scooped up all my shoes and dumped them into my closet, emptier with all of Britt's stuff gone.

I paused as I looked at the empty hangers and felt a knot in my chest loosen a bit.

The first step in ending my marriage was already complete, and once she signs those papers, if she EVER signs those papers...I'll finally be able to rebuild.

And cleaning up my act is only the beginning of that process.

It'd been ten minutes, and I knew I'd have at least five more before she was back, and I used every minute wisely. Bagging all the trash, I emptied and stowed away my ashtrays except for one.

Smoking had started recently, and this was a good opportunity to try and not do it so much, but I was only human. Maybe I wouldn't do it while she's there, in the spirit of second first impressions.

The apartment looked much better and more like home when Q was at the door. Mami had decorated the place for Britt and me as a wedding gift, and now it looked like it.

When I pulled the door open, I stepped back and let her walk in without me standing in her way and like before, she stopped short and looked around...this time, the look of disgust wasn't anywhere in sight.

Success.

"You did a good job...just...it's colder here than outside; how is that possible?" She said as she stepped into the living room this time, headed for the windows. Once she gets to one of them, she hesitates and stares out of it in awe before looking back at me. "How did you not tell me you had an ocean-view apartment?"

I shrugged, smirking to myself. "You never asked."

She pulled the window closed and then moved to the other one and pulled that one down, too.

"I'm incredibly jealous!"

"Don't be...it's so hard to heat this place because of the cold air coming off the ocean."

"Oh, poor you! The beautiful Atlantic Ocean is at your disposal, and you're too cold to enjoy it!" She said, chuckling and shaking her head as she stared at the view that I had begged and pleaded with Papi to get me. "You know, once you get yourself together...maybe for Christmas...you'll let me bring Beth up to see this view?"

"Um...sure. Beth can come anytime as long as you give me time to make sure it's presentable. I don't mind." I practically stutter before moving towards my room... "I'll be right back. The plates are in the kitchen. I will close the other windows and pump up the heat."

Once I was in my room, I couldn't help but beam from ear to ear, just thinking of how excited Quinn seemed to bring Beth here to be around me. Talk about motivation to get my shit together faster.

Maybe the chance to be a part of Quinn's perfect family wasn't so distant after all.

QUINN'S POV

Once her apartment was clean, it took on a completely different feel, and so did she.

It was like the time she took out to clean while I was gone did her some good mentally; maybe that's just it. Springing up on her seemed to do the opposite of what I had intended; instead of being a happy surprise, it just seemed to maximize her stress.

Lesson learned.

We ate dinner in relative silence, and then she loaded me down with boxers and a big Louisville Cardinals Cheerleading sweatshirt and then told me to take my time showering because she needed to make a private phone call and having absorbed the lesson of giving her the space that she seemed to crave, I did what she asked and lingered in the shower and then took extra-long getting dressed before actually heading back to the living room.

I stood in the hallway watching her as she stood there with her phone clutched in her hands, staring out the window...seeing her like this made my heart ache.

She's just so naturally beautiful; no matter how sick she looks, there is a peace on her face that she didn't have when I first walked into that bar earlier. She still had so much darkness floating in the air around her.

There was so much that I didn't know and that she seemed to want to keep from me. I wanted to be patient, but seeing her like that made me feel like I was going to lose her to her demons, and that was the last thing I wanted for her...for us.

So, I decided that where she needed space, and I had given it to her, she also needed comfort, and I knew that she would never ask for that.

Even with me, she tried to hide how much she needed to be held, but the evidence of her letting me hold her hand for just about the whole way home told me more than enough.

Without hesitation, I stepped behind her, wrapped my hands around her waist, and rested my head against her shoulder. The smell of smoke was in her hair and faintly on her clothes, and I knew immediately that the break had been for more than a phone call, and I couldn't be mad at her for that.

She sighed and remained stiff for a moment but loosened up and settled into my embrace pretty quickly.

"Did you actually make a call?" I asked, even though it was none of my business.

"Yeah." Her voice sounded far away as she stared at the blackness outside the window. "Um...it was my dad...he and my mom went to Whitney's and got Brittany to sign the papers."

"Papers?" Okay...wait...she actually served Brittany with papers?

"So that was true? The rumor that you gave her divorce papers as soon as she woke up from her coma?"

She stiffened in my arms, and I held on tighter, not allowing her to pull away...note to self: don't mention the rumors I've heard.

"Seriously? Shit, I waited for her to be able to talk...she'd been awake for a month, and I had been talking to her about the divorce. I asked her if I had given the papers to her and if she would sign them, and she agreed, so I did, but once her mom found out...let's just say Brittany suddenly changed her mind." She sounded bitter, and I didn't blame her.

"So Whitney has been making this hell for you?"

"Ha...that's not even half of how bad she's making everything, and with the doctors saying that Brittany probably won't be able to walk again and that she's not going to be able to care for herself properly for a very long time, she's in diapers for Christ's sake, I am the antithesis of evil."

"Can I ask, though...why you did it now? It's not like she's much of a threat anymore."

She pulled away from me only to turn around and face me; there were tears in her eyes and anger in her features.

"Because Q...your recovery was a miracle, but this...what Brittany did to herself...they don't think she will bounce back from it. The longer I waited, the harder it would be to walk away, and I couldn't do that...I couldn't stay with her just because of this."

"Is that the only reason?" I crossed my arms over myself and tried not to take anything personally, but I'm vain and a bit selfish by nature, so it was hard not to, but I still tried.

She shook her head and shrugged.

"That picture you sent me...the one in front of the LOVE statue...I wanted to be in that picture and every other picture forever. Getting trapped with Brittany meant I'd be choosing her again instead of you, and I just couldn't make that mistake again."

"Damn, it wasn't even planned. we were just out for the day exploring Center City, and I thought to myself that you'd love it."

"And I did. You have no idea how much."

I was fighting back tears as I plastered on my brightest smile just for her.

And she blushed.

"I think I might have an idea, Princess. You never could hide your feelings from me."

"Good, I don't want you to ever doubt how I feel about you, Q. When I'm ready to be in that picture, I hope that you'll still have me. No pressure."

"Pressure is what is what makes a diamond flawless, Santana, so pressure me. I can handle it."

"That was both wise and a bit conceited, don't you think?"

"I should introduce myself that way, I think you captured my personality to the letter."

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, and when she opened them again, there were unshed tears in her eyes. "Q?"

"Yes?"

"I need you to know something."

"Tell me." I said, trying to fight back my nerves.

"I trust you with every beat of my heart, every breath in my body... it's you, Q, that I trust with my life."

Was she offering to submit to me?

If she weren't so fucking fragile, I would do unspeakable things to her, but for that moment, I needed to make her feel seen and heard.

"I am so in love with you, Santana Lopez." I said, and the world froze.

We'd said it a million times, but the air was charged this time around, like for the first time, she was truly believing it.

"Please don't you ever fucking stop." She said, pressing her lips against mine. When she pulled back, she grinned, "And just so we are clear, Luce, I'm absolutely in love with you too."