Bang My Head (David Guetta feat. Sia & Fetty Wap)

SANTANA'S POV

I rubbed a rag on the bar, the same spot over and over again, to have something to do.

The place was a ghost town, and I was pissed about it.

Coming in had been a waste of time.

There hadn't been a customer in at least an hour...just me and an old Jewish man who normally lamented over Christian holidays taking over the country...today though, he seemed to be in good spirits as he talked into his beer.

Me though, all I want is to be back in my apartment with my two favorite people, even if we were all sleeping.

Having them here with me has been a dream come true.

But the last hours of it is being spent doing absolutely nothing.

My phone rang incessantly, and while it's policy not to answer personal phone calls while on the clock, I knew that I couldn't ignore Brittany another second...she'd called me at least a hundred times today, and each time I'd sent her to my, now full, voicemail.

"Britt?" I said into the phone as I moved from around the bar and into the first booth by the door.

"You answered." She whispered, her voice light and airy.

And despite my burgeoning love for Quinn Fabray, which was burning just as bright as ever, I couldn't help but pause at the relief that came with Brittany's voice without Whitney in the background.

"I answered."

"It's late."

"I'm at work."

"Merry Christmas...well...at least it's still Christmas for the next half hour."

"Merry Christmas, B."

"Ten years, Santana." She said, her voice still calm.

"Ten years? What does that mean?"

"I haven't gone a Christmas without you in my life in some way in ten years. Even that Christmas I spent with Sam, you sent me a present and called me when I woke up..."

"Well..." I was at a loss for words. "I don't know what to say here, Britt."

"Just...did you miss me at least?"

I stopped to think...I mean, really think about the day, and if I had at any point missed Brittany on what would have been our first married Christmas.

And I blanked.

"Britt..." I began but she just let out a deep exhale.

"I guess...I deserved that. I did bad stuff. I've been cruel to people I was supposed to love. I get it."

"Do you, B? I mean, after the stroke, when you lost bits and pieces of your memory...are you saying that you remember what you did to Quinn?"

She was quiet for a long time, so long that I watched my last remaining customer tip his hat to me and walk out the door before she said another word.

"I remember most of it...I just don't know why I did it. I don't know how I could do that to her or anybody."

"Neither do I, B."

"I hate myself for what I did and so does God...that's why...that's why I lost everything...including you. Right?"

She sounded sincere, and I hoped to God that she was because, beyond everything, I still love Brittany S. Pierce...she's been my best friend most of my life, and not having her in it has been hard.

Even if I didn't give her any thought today.

Still, though, the thought of being her friend and loving Quinn didn't seem like a possibility that was supposed to exist.

"You didn't lose me, Brittany." I finally said, assured that maybe, just maybe, with time, we could be at least acquaintances.

"It's okay, Santana, I understand why. I told my mom to stop bothering you, I don't want you to give her money. I just want you to be happy, even if I'm not the reason."

"Do you really mean that?"

"I do."

"That's big of you, Britt, I don't think...if tables were turned...I'd be able to say the same."

"Does she make you happy?"

"Definitely."

"That's all that matters to me then." She sucked in a sharp breath, and then I heard shuffling and finally silence before she spoke again. "We had a good thing going though...didn't we?" She chuckled. It sounded dry and full of hurt.

Just like the protector I always was when it came to Brittany, I wanted to wrap myself around her, but that wasn't my job anymore.

"We did, B."

She was silent again, and a breeze sweeping into the bar alerted me to a customer and reminded me of just where I was.

I got up from the booth and made my way back around the bar, headed for the silhouette that was scrolling through their phone.

"What can I get you?" I called out, and then a set of penetrating eyes were looking into mine, looking so fucking lost. I smiled at Rachel, but when she tried to smile back, she had more tears. "Sit down and talk to me." I said, but she just stood there looking broken, and I was hoping to God someone else hadn't died.

"Uh...should I hang up?" Britt said, calling me back to our phone call.

"No, B...just...let me call you right back."

"Okay. It's okay if you don't."

"No, I'm going to call you back. I promise."

"Okay. In case you don't though, I love you."

"I'll call you back."

I put the phone face down on the lower bar and then rested my hands up on the top.

"I had hoped to find you here." Rachel said as she removed her gloves and placed them on the bar. "Do you think that I could have something to drink...water maybe?"

Rachel looked twitchy like she was holding back from saying something. I pushed a large glass of water her way and then took a seat on the stool behind the bar, doing my best to pay attention to the nervous chick across from me.

"What's wrong, Rachel? You were fine at the rink."

"When...I left you earlier today, I ran into an old friend...well, frenemy, and he took me to see a show, then we ended up making out in the back of a cab and now I'm feeling incredibly guilty. Am I crazy for dating again?"

"HE?" I asked her and then winked at her with a big old smile on my face. "Why, Rachel, aren't you just being the town bike."

She looked affronted and I smirked...leave it to Rachel Berry to knock me out of my ex-wife haze.

"I'll have you know that I have only had relations with two men. Much less than you."

"Ouch." I said, throwing my hands up in surrender. "Touché."

"I'm sorry that I had to take it there, but my reputation is something I am still trying to repair," She looked over her shoulder to see if the bar was empty before leaning in as if it wasn't. "It hasn't been easy, and I won't have you starting rumors."

Normally, I shut down Rachel's delusions of grandeur, but I was in a good mood.

"So why are you telling me this? Last I checked, you and I weren't on the best of terms but here lately, you're staying at my place and attaching yourself to my hip. What gives, Berry?"

I decided to change the subject because as much as I was dreading a phone call back to Brittany, I actually found myself wanting to talk to her. It seemed like she was thinking clearer than she had been in a very long time, and I wanted to capitalize on that while I still could.

"You're the most honest person I know, aside from Mercedes, I can always depend on you to give it to me straight. If it weren't for you, I would have caught something from Brody by now."

"Eww. Gross." I stuck a finger in my mouth and mimicked vomiting until she rolled her eyes. "Okay, so who's the guy?"

"Jesse St. James."

If I were drinking something, I would have spewed it out all over her, but given that I didn't, I had to let my bulging eyes speak for me.

"Is that right? Are you even interested in him? Wasn't it just a few months ago, you were digging Trouty?"

"That was just a liaison. Jesse though, has always drifted in and out of my life. Second to Finn, he's the only person I could see myself marrying." She gazed into her glass, and the waterworks officially opened for business, but I was used to people crying at my bar. I pulled out a box of tissues and put it next to her. She pulled one out and dabbed at the corners of her eyes before looking at me again.

"First of all, what person our age refers to a hook up as a liaison?"

"Someone with proper upbringing."

"Lord have mercy! Rachel, listen to me good...okay?" I said, covering her shaking hand with my own.

She squeezed my hand and nodded. Her lip trembled once again as new tears emerged.

"Okay."

"Finn has been gone for over two years now and I know that you regret leaving things with him so open ended, but you can't stop living your life. He wouldn't want that, so if Jesse is someone you can see in your corner in the daytime and holding you at night, I don't see why you shouldn't pursue it."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not telling you to run to the courthouse." She got that determined look in her eye, and I dropped her hand. "Rachel, for the love of Barbra, DO NOT go to the courthouse. Try dating as an adult."

"Is that what you're doing? Are you telling me that you and Quinn aren't...you know..."

"Not that is any of your business but no. We haven't gone that far."

"Wow. Once the celibacy club president..." She began, but I held a hand out.

"Actually...it was me that stopped her. Give me some credit."

Rachel burrowed into a booth and, with my permission, made a call to Jesse for him to join her, to which he gladly accepted.

Once she was settled, even though it was now midnight in Lima, I lived up to my promise.

"You called back." She said, whispering groggily.

"I called back."

"Thank you."

"I told you I would."

"You also told me that you would always love me but before we hung up..." She left her sentence open, and I knew why.

"My love for you is never ending, right now though, it's being redefined. It's going to take me some time to figure out how I feel about you."

"How long?" She asked because with her, there has to be a deadline.

"A year at least."

"Oh. That's a long time."

"I know but I need time to heal, even if you're sorry it doesn't mean that I'm over it and I know for a fact that SHE isn't over it. She might never be."

"I know. I just...why did I do that to her, Santana?"

"If you don't know, I don't think anyone else can clue you in."

"I um...I talked to your Abuela about it."

"YOU DID WHAT?!" I yelled, loud enough for Rachel's head to pop up from her intense conversation with Jesse.

"She is one of the only adults that I trust. She's been praying with me and helping me through the divorce."

"Wow...there are no words, B...that was...how can I introduce Quinn to her now that she knows what you did?"

"Please don't be mad. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry...crap...I'm so stupid. Lord Tubbington warned me."

"There you go, hiding behind the cat again." I said, my feelings of calm were gone, replaced with something much more nauseating.

"I'm not!" She said, no longer feeling like it was necessary to whisper, which meant it was only a matter of time before her mother came to figure out who she was talking to.

"You know what, B that was stupid, make that two years."

Rachel had hurried out of her booth and was coming over to me, her expression filled with concern.

"But San-"

"Goodbye, Brittany."

I put on a brave face for Rachel until she hesitantly made her way back to Jesse. I didn't want her pity, and I sure as hell didn't want her to tell Quinn about this before I could.

Why do I always leave my heart open for Brittany to come in and crush?

How can she maneuver under my skin so easily?

Obviously, it's me who is the stupid one, that's for certain.

Just before half past three, Jesse and Rachel left the bar hand in hand, and I was left alone.

When I peeked outside, there wasn't a soul alive on the streets.

So I locked up and started cleaning up, not wanting to spend another hour in this place all alone with my thoughts. I've spent way too much time drinking away my sorrows and stuck in my head.

What twenty something wouldn't use the opportunity to get completely wasted in an empty bar for free...right? It would be easy enough, but it wouldn't solve anything.

I've come to learn that the hard way. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to get in the first cab that I could find and go straight home.

And so, with one last look at the bar and what could be, I decided to cut my losses and do the mature thing.

I waved down one of the last cabs that seemed to have its light on and didn't look back.

"You okay back there? If you throw up, I'm charging you double the rate!" The cabbie yelled at me.

"Shut up and drive. I haven't had a drink all night."

He was looking at me in the rearview for longer than necessary, and I was itching to snap at him again, but what good would that do? I was almost home already.

"You from this area? You don't sound like it?"

"Is anyone really from this area?" I sounded back as we sped towards Far Rockaway...towards Quinn.

"I am." He said, his turban seeming to stand out in the street light but hey, him being from New York with such a thick accent was no stranger than a Puerto Rican family in North West Ohio.

We pulled up to the curb outside my building, and I handed him a fifty.

"I don't have change for this much." He said, handing it back to me.

"Keep it, Merry Christmas." I said before climbing out of the car.

"You too!" He said before the squeal of his tires left me standing outside my building at nearly four in the morning.

When I got to the apartment, everything was still and dark with the exception of a flickering light coming from the living room.

I put my keys on the counter, shoved my hair behind my ears and prepared myself to tell Quinn what was weighing on me before it broke me down.

Only, it wasn't Quinn who was awake.

"You're home!" Beth said, her smile brightening every dark part of me.

"Where's your mom?" I asked when I noticed that she was dressed and her hair was done. She was practically a genius, but I had seen her brush her hair, and there was no way she had done it on her own.

"In the shower."

"Are you all set to go? Did you eat?"

She shook her head.

"Mama Q said we wouldn't have time, that I could eat at the airport."

"Psshh...there's always time for cereal, right?"

She grinned and nodded.

I silently thanked every angel in heaven for this little girl and how she had the same uncanny knack as her mother for dragging me out of my bullshit.

QUINN'S POV

When Rachel woke me up at 2 am and told me that Santana was distraught after a talk with Brittany, I expected her to drink herself into oblivion or to go off on an insane rage.

What I did not expect was to come from the bedroom and see her and Beth laughing at the kitchen counter together.

I started to think that the call from Rachel was just a dream, but when I caught her eye and saw the sadness there, I knew that she was pressing pause on whatever it was that Brittany had said to her.

Right then, Beth came first, and I think that I loved her even more for it.

Especially when she slid a plate over to me with toast and two strips of bacon.

"I made you a to-go mug of coffee too, it's in the microwave."

"Thank you, Angel face!" I said, kissing her right on the lips.

I heard a giggle from across the table and playfully glared at my daughter, who was making kissy faces at us.

"Watch yourself missy!" I warned before sticking my tongue out at her.

"Yeah, kiddo, wait until she has coffee first before you tease her." I caught the wink between them and couldn't help my eye roll.

Whatever, there was coffee and bacon. Let them tease me!

I hadn't seen Lydia in a really long time, I'm talking months, and I was unsure of how I would feel when I saw her.

We'd had sex just once, and it was almost exactly like that time I slept with Santana, except there was no history, no longing looks...just pure, carnal sex.

We hadn't spoken about it, and from what I could tell, it wasn't just me who avoided the topic.

Her message about us not developing feelings was always clear.

She distanced herself from me, even when it came to the trips back and forth to Texas, because twice now, Beth has flown to Texas, and both times, Vincent was always the one who made the trip to escort her. It wasn't until I told Lydia that I was going to start seeing Santana exclusively that Lydia made it very clear to me that this time around, it would be her making the trip.

She gave me a line about wanting to meet Santana to make sure she was okay to be around Beth, but I knew there was more to it.

Even though she had told me that she didn't want us to fall in love, I could tell that after just one sexual encounter, Lydia was feeling protective over me.

Either way, there was nothing that Lydia could do or say that could make me change my mind.

When we got to the designated spot we'd set, Beth was in Santana's arms, fast asleep.

Lydia smiled warmly at me, and then they went wide when she saw Santana.

"Lydia Ignacio, this is Santana Lopez."

They shook hands, and then Lydia started asking Santana questions, but San was prepared to answer happily, without a hint of irritation.

Lydia gave us both hugs when the gate was called, and then she took Beth into her arms and kissed her face until she woke up.

I got a huge kiss from Beth, and then she hugged Santana from Lydia's arms.

The whole interaction lasted about ten minutes, and then Santana held her hand out to me.

"Hey you." She said, with sleepy eyes.

"Hey yourself."

"Thanks for letting me have this time with Beth, it was probably the best Christmas I've ever had."

"Really?"

"Yes. I hope we can do it again."

"Me too."

Every moment that I'd spent in New York with San has done nothing but prove to me that she and I are ready to take this thing to a whole different level.

Hopefully, it was a level that involved lots and lots of sex because I was starting to crave her more than I'd ever craved another person in my life.

I got my hopes up.

When we left Beth with Lydia at TSA, I thought San and I would go back to her place, just the two of us and get some quality time in.

She was quiet as we got on the train towards Queens, but her hand was holding tight to mine.

"You okay?"

"I feel like shit for not going to Philly with you."

"But you will. You have to handle your business at the bar, and I need to go get my place together and prepare for this heavy week at work."

"Well, at least I got you a town car to take you home."

"San, you didn't have to do that, I could catch the train back."

"But you have all of Beth's gifts, and luggage. I'd feel better if you took the car."

"Are you going to be okay catching the train to Philly all alone?"

"I've done it to Lima multiple times. For longer stretches. This will only be two hours tops."

She seemed antsy.

"Okay, well then, I'll stay for lunch and then go."

She got quiet and stared out the window.

I could feel her pulling away and wished Beth was still with us so she could keep being her best self.

"I'm going to get the car as early as possible. That way you have time to relax."

"San, don't pull away from me. What's going on?" I asked, but then we were at our stop, and she put her phone to her ear.

I listened as she secured my ride home and let her lead the way towards her apartment without fuss.

She kept kissing my face and apologizing to me as she practically shoved me out the door.

Maybe she needed a break from people…or me for a few hours.

Honestly, I wasn't really mad about it.

Brittany's call had bothered her, and rather than slapping me over the head with it, she was trying to still show me love.

So before I settled in the town car, I pressed a bunch of kisses to her lips and then stared straight into her eyes.

"We're a team, San. Don't forget that."

"Thanks, goober." She teased.

"I love you, Santana."

"I love you too, Q."

"Good."

SANTANA'S POV

Damage control, sweet Jesus, I needed to do some damage control because I should not have had to lie to her about only being able to get the limo for the morning.

I should have trusted that when it came to Quinn, I could be open and honest, but old habits are hard to break.

After talking to Britt, I needed to know exactly how far this business of my Abuela being aware of Brittany's misdeeds had gone, and that started with me being alone so that I could talk to my mother without Quinn knowing about it.

Secrets suck, but right now, it's for her own good.

"Well, look who it is, mi hija! What a surprise. To what do I owe the honor of a personal phone call at work the day after Christmas?"

"I don't know if you're just irritated because you're at work on a Saturday or because we didn't give you the details last night but either way, it's good to hear your voice."

"Is that right? By the way, Dios te bendiga." She said, her sarcasm not taking a break even when she was handing down blessings.

"I was getting there...Bendicion, Mami."

She huffed and started typing, even that seemed to be affected by her annoyance.

"So tell me, Nanita. Is this a pity phone call? Did your father tell you that I'd be working this weekend while he sits at home on the couch and does nothing...is he sending you to see if I'm pissed at him?"

"Actually...no. I haven't talked to Papi today. I just know that you both tend to work the week after Christmas...I was just taking a stab in the dark that you'd be in today."

"Well, here I am. Do you know that your father decided to change history and take a whole week off without telling me?! He knows that I would have ditched with him, which must mean that he doesn't want me around or in his business."

"Is that such a bad thing? You are divorced."

"Well we've never acted like it! We still take vacations together, Santana."

"So he can't just do his own thing for once?"

"No...it's not that, it's just that lately he's been so secretive which leads me to believe that he's seeing someone."

Ahh...ding, ding, ding. She was jealous.

"Celosa." I muttered and tried to disguise it with a cough, but she immediately grumbled.

"I'm not jealous. Your Papi has just never been like this with me, and I don't like it one bit."

"I can tell...maybe I should call you another time then. You don't sound like you are up for anything else on your plate today."

She got quiet, typed a few more things and then, with a frustrated huff, I heard her laptop close.

"Okay, diga me. What's going on with you, Mi'ja?"

"Have you talked to Abuela lately?" I asked, attempting to set the groundwork for the bomb I was about to drop, but I should have been prepared for my mother, "the all-knowing".

"Ahh...so you talked to Brittany, I take it." She said bluntly, and before I could respond, she continued, "Look, that girl told your Abuela some really personal things, things that I know for a fact Quinn hasn't even shared with Judy. Of course, she came running to me about it, concerned about you, and I put a stop to her questions and made her swear not to gossip any further."

"And she did?"

"She promised me, swore on your Abuelo's grave that she wouldn't say a word about it."

"Are you sure about that, you know how Abuela is when she finds out juicy information?"

"She can be cruel, Santana but even my mother has her limits and rape in any shape or form is where she draws the line...thankfully. I believe that the only reason she came to me about this was her fear that Brittany had been violent with you in some way. She didn't relax until I assured her that you were okay."

I let out a deep breath and then another before dropping back onto my bed, my body soaked through with exhaustion.

Little did Mami know that on more than one occasion, Britt had gotten a bit forceful with me. There was no way I was opening up that can of worms.

"That's good to hear."

"Mmmhmm."

"What?"

"You talked to Brittany...just the two of you?"

"Uh, Yeah."

"Does Quinn know?"

"No."

"Was this the first time you got to talk to her alone since you asked for the divorce?"

"Yes."

"How was she? What emotions were going through you? Did you have any residual feelings towards her?"

"Mami...please don't use this as an opportunity to try and shrink my head. It's been stressful enough as it is."

"Fine. Don't tell me things...it's not like I haven't always come through for you or anything."

And here comes the guilt. I swear mothers carry the guilt card up their sleeve, ready at any moment to slam it on the table.

Bam...I wiped your ass...boom...I kissed your boo-boos.

"Fine. She seemed like her old self. I felt every emotion imaginable, including love but it wasn't the same love that made me propose to her, it was something foreign and new. I'm not sure how to describe it other than that she was in all ways...MY Brittany and it scared me how easily we fell back into talking."

"Why is that?"

"Because I love Quinn, Mami. I want to be with Quinn and Beth for the foreseeable future. When I'm with them the happiness that I feel is more real than I could have imagined and ever hoped for."

"Wow...that's intense, Mi'ja. Have you told Quinn that much?"

Now the conversation was getting uncomfortable, but I knew that Mami would throw out another guilt card, so I let her have this...because knowing me, I was going to clam up before long, and it would take the jaws of life to pry me open again.

"In not so many words. Q knows how I feel about her and don't worry, I plan to tell her soon enough. This week will be a good opportunity to test the waters. I'd like us to figure out what our endgame is while Beth is away. I don't want to get in too deep and end up hurting the both of them."

"That's a mature assessment."

"Yeah well, divorce before 30 will do that to you."

"Don't I know it. Your father and I were married at 18 and divorced within ten years...it can really wreck your outlook on love, that's why I'm glad that you are moving on."

Mami's line dinged, and she sighed. "I have a call, would you mind staying on the line while I take it?"

"I'm just going to close my eyes for a second, take your call, I'll wait."

"Thanks Nanita, I'm going to mute you."

"Mmmhmm." I said with my eyes already closed as I began to drift.