All I Wanted (Paramore)
QUINN'S POV
NEW YEAR'S EVE
San had been doing everything she had promised.
But I was still angry that we were even in this mess.
I didn't want to derail her because I knew what that was like. Mother had been so overbearing when I slipped back into doing pills that I had run to Maribel. I loved Santana and I didn't want her to have to lean on anyone else.
She needed to be protected from herself, and I had told her on more than one occasion that I saw it as my job to be her protector.
Now I had to eat crow, and I was pissy about it.
So when Rachel called me that morning to get all of her New Year calls out of the way before cell signals were jammed up close to midnight, I unleashed on her.
I knew in my heart that she didn't deserve it, but it was better that I unloaded on her than on Santana.
Honestly, I'd snapped at her for less, so she really should have expected it.
"Happy almost new year, Quinn, how are things?"
"I've been a wreck. How could you not tell me something this HUGE!" I snapped at Rachel as I sat outside my office, smoking...like I absolutely shouldn't have been.
"What did you expect me to say to you? By the way, Quinn, one more person we love is on drugs?"
"YES! That is exactly what I would have expected from you! How am I supposed to deal with this?"
"...you know, Quinn, after your foray into pills, I would think that you, of all people, can understand what she is going through."
"I do, I just wasn't prepared for it. How is this where she and I are? You know, I survived a lot to be able to open my life to her and now this. It's just not fair."
"There is no way to prepare for this kind of thing. Trust me. Be grateful that you, at least, have the opportunity to help her get clean. It's not fair to me that you get that chance, and I didn't. So you know what, buck up and be more like the person that helped YOU through this."
"Who, her mother? Why not just send her to Maribel? It would sure as hell help me. Also, don't you dare throw the Finn card. You two weren't even together when he died."
"Oh, please! He was my endgame...we all know it. He and I were supposed to be doing this thing together. You don't think it was hard for ME to be the one to find her on that corner, looking like a junkie, half naked, and fiending, just two seconds from going into an alley with some guys that looked like they were going to gang rape her. She was willingly about to be tossed around for drugs, Quinn. You need to throw away whatever romantic notions you have and talk to her like someone who is literally getting a master's degree in psychology. She needs you." She sucked in a breath, and so did I.
It'd been a few days, and Santana was still holding back, and I was doing NOTHING to encourage her to tell me what had happened in those two days or when this had even started.
"Oh."
Rachel groaned and then sucked in a breath.
"I take it that you haven't even talked about anything. Typical!" She huffed.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're the one with the degree. You tell me."
"That's not fair, Rachel."
"Nothing is fucking fair! Jesus, why can't you get over yourself and realize that just because you finally got all that you wanted doesn't mean the rest of us have. Finn is dead. My birth mother is dead. A grandmother that I never got to know is dead. Kurt is married, Santana is getting divorced from her first love, and I am sitting here in New York, all alone. Santana is someone that I looked up to until I found her on that corner. I'm devastated about this. I got her cleaned up, and then I watched her come down from the drugs. You claim to love her, just like Brittany did, but you apparently mean it, so it's time to show it. Please, for the love of Barbra, be the person that you profess to be. Find her a therapist, or a meeting, do something other than gripe to me about it."
"Okay, I get it, I'm sorry that I unleashed on you."
"Again."
"Again?"
"It's what you do, Quinn. I'm happy you got Beth back, I am, but up until now, she had a different life with a different set of rules. She had a life that I was a part of. On Christmas, when I made a bet with her, something Shelby always did, because I wanted her to feel like she still had some of her Mama, you reprimanded me in front of her, which made me feel like shit."
"I didn't know...Beth didn't say."
"When would she have had a chance? You did what you always do, you bulldoze over people without giving thought to how things must be in their shoes."
"Okay, obviously I need to course correct. I will strive to be better toward you, Rachel. I still want you to maintain a relationship with Beth. Please don't let my arrogance deter you."
"Good. I won't. Now, are you going to talk to Santana before the year is over?"
"I don't think either of us knows how to broach the subject, Rachel."
"Well, time is ticking away. Beth will be home on Sunday, and it's already Thursday. It's New Year's Eve. Do you really want to go into a new year with something like this between you?"
"No...not really."
"Then I suggest you get home and talk to her instead of me. Frankly, I've had enough of the dramatics from the two of you to last a lifetime. Hopefully, in the New Year, our talks will be about something other than drugs and drama."
"Ray, please...I don't want to end the year with you, and I like this." I admitted as I put out my cigarette and looked out over Market Street.
"We're fine. You needed this push and I needed to hear your voice because it reminds me of home...and of him. So thank you for that. Talk to her today, Quinn and, Happy New Year."
SANTANA'S POV
My stomach turning itself inside out woke me up.
I'd been in Philly for a few days and had been struggling the most in the mornings; thankfully, Quinn is gone when it's at its worst.
My parents had been calling me since I sent them a cryptic text from my new number on Tuesday.
That morning, with the new year on the horizon, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer.
"Good morning, Nanita."
"Bendicion, Mami. Can you talk?"
"Que Dios te bendiga. I'm just leaving your Abuela's. I'm in the car heading to your father's house."
"Great. I need to talk to you about something. It's important."
She got quiet and sighed.
"Okay, should I pull over?"
"I don't know. How far are you from Papi's?"
"Two minutes."
"Let me know when you park. I really need to talk to you first before we loop Papi in, okay?"
She took a shuddering breath, and I knew it was because I always went to Papi first. It was rare for me to come to her unless it was an emergency.
"Okay."
"How's Abuela?" I asked while she continued driving.
"She's her same pain in the butt self. She asked me about you, and I told her you were going back to school. She was proud of you for going back."
"Good, I'm glad I can still make her proud."
Mami tsked and then sighed. "Okay, I just parked. I'm going to video chat you."
"Okay." I smoothed down my hair but left myself undone just for her. I needed her to see me as I was, no fluff.
Mami looked radiant and happy until she looked me over, displeased with my appearance, but she didn't comment on it.
"Talk to me."
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it. This last year, I've dabbled with drugs on modeling jobs here and there, but after everything with Brittany, it became more of a habit." I had been looking away from her but took a moment to look at her and could see her flushed face and wide eyes. This was clearly not what she was expecting.
"Keep going, Nanita; I know how hard this is; get as much out as you can. Okay?"
She was hurt, and that was on me, but I knew she was right. I had to say as much as I could before I lost my nerve.
I took a deep breath and continued, "When Quinn came to me for Thanksgiving, she cleaned up my place and shook me out of it, I stopped using then."
"That's good, right?" She needed hope, but I didn't have any, not yet. "I'm glad you got clean."
I nodded and then threw my head back as the tears came. "I was clean, until Sunday when things fell apart again. One bad thing after another happened, and I lost it. I went on a drug binge after talking to Whitney, and her threatening to take every penny I had."
"That bitch."
"The biggest. I used drugs for days, until Tuesday morning. I sold my phone for coke, I gave a guy a blow job...and...if Rachel hadn't found me, I was going to let a few guys use me for some harder stuff, fentanyl I think. I already had coke stashed but I was going off the deep end, I wanted to end it all. I wanted to leave this world with nothing for Brittany to take from me. I wanted to drain my accounts, and then relieve everybody of the burden of having me in their lives."
"Santana, you are not a burden."
"I know. I got caught up in everything, but now that I'm in Philly, with Quinn every day...and with the way that Rachel reamed me out, telling me all the things and people I stood to lose, I decided to get my shit together."
"Warn Rachel that when I see her, I'm going to give her all the love a mother can give."
"She'll like that."
"It's long overdue. Tell me, Nanita, did you manage to drain your accounts?"
"Yes."
More tsking.
"But now you're clean?"
"Yes. Rachel got me cleaned up, forced me on a train to Philly, and I told Quinn a few days ago. She broke up with me but insists I stay here at least until after New Year's. I got high on the day I got here, but after I accidentally talked to Beth while I was high, I knew I couldn't get high again. Now, I'm here, trying to show my appreciation. I'm cleaning, cooking, and doing everything I can to show Quinn that I'm sorry, even though I'm pretty sure she hates me after I talked to Beth. I know I fucked it all up, and I'm hoping that I can start to repair everything I've broken."
"Look at me."
I looked up into her watery eyes; her expression was fierce, even with her wet cheeks and scared eyes. Mami was a force. "Yes?"
"I'm proud of you. You're my daughter, my baby, and I am so happy that you're still here. That you keep fighting every day. I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I want to help you in whatever way you need. I know I can be prickly, but I need you to know that as your Mami. I will always have your back first."
I nodded while I cried. She'd said everything I needed to hear and then some.
There was a knock on her window, and she put the phone on it. There stood Papi, looking concerned. He pulled the door open and looked past the phone.
"Mari, why are you crying?"
"Our baby is hurting, Tonito. She...Brittany nearly broke her. She was using drugs." Mami said in one rushed breath.
Papi wasn't weepy, instead, he was enraged as he made me repeat everything I said to Mami.
"Tata, you are NOT to return to New York."
"Quinn doesn't want me around, Beth." I tried to reason.
"Are you still using?" Mami asked.
"No."
"Quinn will make an exception, I'm sure of it. You need to tell her everything."
"How can I?"
"You love her. She was assaulted and felt beaten down, and she found the courage to tell you the truth. Treat her in kind."
"And if she says no?"
"Then you'll come home until school starts."
"Right. I don't want that."
"Then you'll talk to her. We will move you to your dorm. Stay away from the city. I mean it." Papi reiterated.
"Okay, I will. I'm sorry I messed up. Please still love me."
My parents looked insulted that I would ever utter those words.
They showered me with love and encouragement, which fueled me more than I could have imagined.
QUINN'S POV
I left work early, taking Rachel's advice to heart and went straight home.
Something Rachel had said really bugged me, and while I couldn't give her Shelby back, there was a relationship that still had a potential that I could foster.
So I called Vincent.
"Hey there, Quinn, how are you? Just a heads up, I'm at the office, Beth is with Lydia."
"I know, it's you I wanted to talk to."
"Oh yeah? What's up?"
"Did Shelby ever tell you about Rachel?"
"Of course."
"Well, I know it's too late today to do anything about it, but she's in New York, all alone feeling really sad about not having a connection to Shelby or her family. I was wondering, if you could do something about that in the new year."
"I would love to, I just always figured she didn't need some random uncle to show up in her life."
"She could use you and Lydia. I think it would make Shelby really happy to know that Rachel got to know her family."
"Would you mind sharing Rachel's contact info?"
"Thanks so much, Vincent."
"Hey, this is something I wanted but kept putting off. You are doing me a huge favor, so thank you."
He gave me a brief update on Beth and an update on preparations for the festivities before heading off to a meeting.
Talking to Rachel and then Vincent had me inspired. Hopefully, that feeling carried over to my talk with Santana.
So far, by the time I get home, she's still in bed reading or on the phone, but today, she's cleaning.
Her salsa music blared, and her hips shook as she danced while she swept.
The apartment smelled amazing. It was like Santana was infusing it with all of her love and joy.
And I couldn't get enough of it.
I dropped onto the recliner and just watched her, happy to see her being just Santana.
Not the zombie that's been trying to stay out of my way for two days.
Just Santana, in her element.
This version of her is the one that I can see myself coming home to every day for the rest of my life.
Rachel was right...I couldn't close out the year with something so heavy lingering between us.
Even if it blew up in our faces and we stopped being friends for a while...if that meant her getting her shit together before committing to me and Beth, like I KNEW she wanted to, then so be it.
One of us needed to be the bigger person, and it seemed that after her admission, the ball was firmly in my court.
SANTANA'S POV
I knew she was there.
I ALWAYS know when she's near me; it's like I can feel it on a cellular level.
Just like I could tell that she was torn up about things more than she was letting on, but hopefully, I was turning the tides.
Telling my parents about the drugs had been the hardest thing that I ever had to do, next to telling them I was gay, but I did it.
I took a peak at Q and could see that she was deep in thought, probably thinking about sitting me down and hashing this out.
And I was game.
One Hundred Percent.
I finished up with the kitchen and then poured two very tall glasses of water because when you're talking about sobriety, you should ideally be sober, right?
By the time I was putting the glasses down, she was finally pretending like she wasn't staring, this time using her phone as a pretense, and I was way too nervous to call her on it.
"You're home early." I said, sliding her water in front of her.
She looked at me with a smile, her eyes trailing my sweaty yet still-hot body because, of course, she was. I was in a sports bra and shorts...not much was left to the imagination because I wasn't expecting her to show up before noon.
"You're staring." I said.
"I know. Do you feel objectified?"
"Maybe most girls don't like to feel objectified, the ugly ones obviously but honey...I'm not one of them."
"Hmm...I figured...so water?" She said...glaring at the glass that was still on the coffee table where I put it. She looked back down at her phone screen with a smirk before looking at me again. "It's not even noon...we could have had coffee."
"True."
"You okay?"
"You should know that I told my parents everything."
Her eyes got wide as she finally put her phone down next to the water and sat forward, completely attentive.
"When?"
"Earlier this morning. I've been instructed to stay put until they personally move me out of my apartment and into my dorm...I know that the last thing that you want is for me to be a bad influence on Beth...I promise you that if you let me stay, I will be just as awesome as I always am. No drama."
Without hesitation, she nodded.
"You can stay. I trust you." She said, taking a deep breath and then letting it out, her eyes bright as she stared through me. "I know that you'd never hurt her...which is why...I have to ask, did you use anything while we were in New York?" She bit her lip and looked down at her hands before looking at me again. It was like her heart was stuck in her throat.
"I was clean the entire time. I was clean from the moment you stepped into the bar that day."
She actually looked surprised, and it stung, but how could I blame her for assuming the worst?
"If you were clean for almost a month...how did you end up like this in two days?"
"Brittany told me that she told my Abuela everything she did to you. I...uh...my mom says that she swears to never speak of it to a soul but that was the beginning of my spiral down...knowing that Brittany still held the reins in our relationship somehow."
Quinn's jaw was stuck open...it was the only sign that she was upset because her eyes were closed as she tried to breathe. I sat there...waiting for some kind of response, not sure what to do next, when she abruptly stood to her feet and moved towards the kitchen.
I sat there, my back to the kitchen, staring down at nothingness until she returned a moment later, a glass of wine in her hand and a smirk on her face.
"I'm sorry...I can't deal with this without a drink. I get the sober-talking thing. It's admirable, but my rape...it's not sober conversation. I hope you get that?" I nodded, and then she continued. "So because of ME, you...you decided to get high again?" She asked...sipping her wine at 11 in the morning and then glaring at me.
"Because of Brittany, I tried to shield you from this very thing."
"By sacrificing yourself?" She let out a harsh laugh. "And people call ME a martyr. Go fucking figure."
"Q..."
"No. You're right, not telling me as soon as you found out...while Beth was still in New York would have not been good, but you just about sent me away on Sunday...then shut ME out. You had me thinking that I did something wrong. That I fucked up or worse that you were dead!"
More sips...and now, pacing.
"I thought I was doing the right thing."
"Yeah well...the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Isn't that what your dad is always saying?"
"It is."
"So, you sent me away and then what happened?" She stopped pacing but still hovered above me, her glass now empty as she looked at me, her old Cheer Captain mask firmly in place. This wasn't the Quinn that I needed at that moment, but I had to deal.
"Mami assured me that I was overreacting. I got to work and turns out I left the bar unlocked...it was vandalized, and I had to clean up shit and piss for three hours."
"So you missed your train."
"Yes."
"But you could have gotten another?"
"I took whatever cash I had and left it on the bar...the drunk stole a lot of booze. Carlo said I didn't have to pay for it, but I felt obligated. Then Carlo told me that he knew about the drugs and that I should stop and be better. Told me that I should let you know that you saved my life."
"Did I?"
"Well, yeah...I stopped doing drugs because of you." I said with a shrug.
She put down her glass and then slumped into her chair again, some of her anger deflating.
"But then you started right up again...get me there. How did you go from a heart to heart with Carlo to Rachel finding you on that corner about to be gang raped?"
Now, I was the one wishing I had a drink, but I sipped some water instead and tried like hell to swallow my sarcasm.
This wasn't the time for it.
QUINN'S POV
I'd rendered her speechless...
This was not the way to approach this, but it seemed that it was the only way I could communicate with her while anger coursed through me. I was trying to rein myself in but was finding it nearly impossible.
If she was going to stay here for a few extra days, then we needed to hash this shit out because I would NOT have her tainting my home or my daughter, not even by accident.
Not even a little.
"I went home and showered, cleaning shit and piss was not something I enjoyed obviously. After that, I started to pack and then I got a call from my lawyer...Brittany had called the court and claimed that her signature had been forged by Whitney and that if they processed the paperwork, she'd sue. So it's being investigated, and I'm still married until it's all figured out."
"I see." My God, why couldn't she die when she pulled that trigger? "Is it true? Did Whitney forge her signature?"
"Well I called her obviously and apparently she doesn't remember. I know...it's fucking convenient, right?" I nodded in disbelief. "So then I call my lawyer back and tell him what she said, he goes on to tell me about the alimony not being approved. That I could owe her way more. So...like any logical psycho, I decided, she can't have money that doesn't exist...so I emptied my account and bought coke, stashed some of it...so my parents are going to be insanely pissed when they pack my apartment."
"Yeah well, better them then you."
"I know...I was being beyond insane. I wasn't thinking about you or Beth...and I am a shitty person. I know it. You kept calling me and I couldn't bear to tell you the truth, so I cleared the phone and traded my brand new iPhone for more cocaine."
"And when Rachel found you on Monday night?"
"It was Tuesday morning...I'd run out of money and coke...what I brought here is from my stash at the apartment that I managed to bring with me when Rachel wasn't hovering over me."
"And you did it here, why?" I asked...feeling so overwhelmed but not willing to back down.
"It was not even a half a line's worth...I dumped the rest when you knocked at the door...I was trying to get up the courage to be honest with you."
"And you thought getting high was the best way to do that? And then you talked to Beth like that?!"
She shrugged, and I nearly lost my mind.
"That's not an answer!"
I picked up the wine glass and threw it across the room, watching as it landed with a crash on the freshly swept kitchen floor.
She flinched before standing up, ready to stop me from whatever I was going to do next.
And not even I was sure what that was!
All I was certain of was that every dominant part of me wanted to pull her over my knee and spank her ass until she was weeping with apologies.
I was horny, pissed off, and so fucking disappointed in her.
For someone who claimed to love being in control, she did a shitty job with her life when she was supposed to be keeping herself in check.
Britt had wanted to control Santana for her gain, but what I wanted was to help Santana stay on the right path by helping her regain control of her own life...it's why I was the cheer captain, and Britt was just a base.
While Britt just pretended to be in control, I was usually a master of it.
I knew how to lead, and I knew that what Santana needed more than anything was someone's guidance.
She was choosing that person to be me, and I was squandering it.
Once I had that in mind, I was able to calm myself down.
Thank God.
I was ashamed of my behavior after realizing that I was throwing away an opportunity to step up for her.
Being together was now off the table, but I could still be her best friend. She needed that more than a girlfriend.
Not only was I essentially throwing a giant tantrum, but I was taking this moment of honesty and turning it into my personal pity party.
We'd addressed the phone call between her and Beth twice now, and I had told her that it was okay, but obviously, that had been a lie.
She had made sure that I knew about it from the moment that she told me about the drugs. I had known that her being freshly high while talking to my little girl HAD happened and that she regretted it immensely, but here I was, acting like it was new information.
And yet, she was standing there, looking at me with shame and worry.
Like I was a ticking time bomb.
Plus...to make matters worse, I was full of nothing but regret. I threw one of my favorite wine goblets across two rooms, purposely aiming for the floor she had lovingly swept.
"I just don't know what to say, Q...I fucked up. I've told you that I would go if that's what you wanted...I've promised that if you allow me to stay here until school starts, I'd be on my best behavior. I don't know what else you need me to say...tell me what you want to hear, and I'll make it true."
"I'm just pissed about this whole situation, Santana. We were almost out of the woods and now we're wasting so much valuable time on bullshit."
"Q, I'm sorry. I'll go right now. I swear, I'll stay as far from her as possible. Just say the words and I'll take my bullshit somewhere else."
A moment ago, I would have, but now...after some self-reflection in the wake of my freak-out, I'm thinking slightly clearer.
"No, no...Santana, no. Are you even listening to me?" I practically sobbed. I could feel the tears rising as I looked at her startled eyes.
Anger wasn't the answer; I knew it, and so did she, but she was willing to let me break down as much as I needed to, but it was useless.
Freaking out wouldn't get me to where, despite myself, I still wanted to be...with HER.
She was on high alert as she moved around the coffee table towards me instead of towards the kitchen like I thought she would. She kept moving until she was just in front of me, her arms wrapping around me swiftly.
My arms just hung there as she proceeded to rest her forehead against mine.
"I'm so tired." She whispered to me, her eyes closed as she soaked in my touch. I was assured by the fact that she wasn't pushing me away and held her right back. "I panicked, Q...I just feel so unworthy of you."
"You are so fucking worthy, Princess. It's me that doesn't feel worthy of you."
"You don't?"
"I don't...you just let go of this GREAT love...one that you'd been torturing yourself over for years and for what...ME? A single mom, too chicken shit to go to med school, who obviously has serious anger issues?"
"Like I don't have rage?" She chuckled, and I smirked a bit...because this was Santana Lopez...rage was in her blood.
I closed my eyes and just rested against her...soaking in her comfort, accepting that she was right.
"Sorry that I exploded like that. When it comes to Beth...I tend to stop being rational."
"I get it Q..."
"Do you?"
"Yes! I would be the same way. That's why I need to ask you to please not take her away from me when I'm sober, Q. I get keeping me away if I'm a danger to myself or others, but when I'm sober, please don't take her. I want so much to be a part of both of your lives, however you'll allow me to be but what's more, I love her SO fucking much. I don't think I could bear to be away from her."
I pulled my head back and looked at her, eyes looking vulnerable as tears slid across her cheeks.
"Okay." I whispered back.
She looked surprised as she bit on her lip for a moment before finally swallowing back her tears and letting out a breath.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes but if you're going to be here with us and for us, you've GOT to stop this now. I don't know how you did it before but now you've got my help however you need it, just please don't let her down."
"I won't."
"And just so you know, she's in love with you just as much, and I wouldn't be able to handle explaining to her why YOU died."
"Wow."
She sucked in a breath, her face pale and her body shaking slightly against me. How long had she been shaking like this? How had I not noticed?
"Are you feeling any symptoms of withdrawal yet?"
"Yeah...I've been doing my best to keep you from it. But yes, after a two-day drug binge, I'm beyond antsy...thus the dancing. I'm surprised I haven't snapped by now."
"No worries...it seems I took care of that for the both of us."
"Can I ask you something, Q?"
She said with her face now pressed against my shoulder.
"Anything."
"Just after you threw that glass, there was this look in your eyes; it was like lust but also HBIC. What were you thinking?"
"Uh...I don't know if it's appropriate."
"Please?" She whimpered as she gripped onto me.
"I have control issues, and I wanted to put you over my knee."
"Fuck, I think...I...I want you to." She whispered.
"Look at me, S." I growled, and she stood up, her eyes looking guilty and sad. "You're my second. It's what you were made to be. If you need to give up control to me because you trust me with your life and know that I'll get you to where you need to be. Just say it."
She bit her lip and then pushed down her shorts until she was bare from the waist down.
"Please put me in my place."
"Not out here. Go to the bathroom, then go bend over the bed while I clean up my mess."
"Are you sure?"
"You know I hate to repeat myself."
"Okay!" She said and then rushed to the room.
My blood pressure was rising as I thought of just how badly I wanted to fuck her, but this was corrective, not sexual.
I took my time cleaning up the glass from the kitchen, and then I wiped any remnants from the surfaces before making my way to my bedroom.
I stopped short when I saw her bent over my bed without a single stitch of clothing on.
Next to her was the leather belt that she loved so much.
"A belt? Are you sure, San?"
"I talked to Beth when I was high. It's a trigger for you. I was about to get tossed in an alley for coke..." She looked up at me in the mirror and admitted to something she left out before, and my heart sank. "I gave Rachel's ex Brody a blow job for coke. I haven't told her, I don't think it will help anything to tell her, but it's been weighing on me. He showed me his papers, he was clean, but the fact that I was willing to do that should concern you. So, please, Q, I need you to punish me. Don't let me become numb to my fuck up. You have my full consent."
I nodded and then picked up the belt, folding it once before running it over her bare ass.
"After this, we nap. We need a reset."
"Okay...but what if this turns me on."
"That's exactly why you'll take a nap. This isn't sexual."
"Okay."
With a deep breath, I centered myself, and then I took my time spanking her until her body was shaking and she was sobbing into my bedspread.
SANTANA'S POV
I couldn't believe that I was willingly letting her spank me; it made me nervous, and it turned me on.
When I was sobbing and apologizing, she finally stopped and then rubbed lotion on my burning ass.
"Thank you, Q." I whispered to her once she was finished.
She pulled back the sheets and then climbed into the bed. I could see that her eyes were bloodshot, like reprimanding me hurt her too.
"To be clear, I don't want to make a habit of hurting you, but I will do that again if I need to, understand."
"Yes."
"Do you feel some relief?"
"No, I need you."
"You're still punished, no sex. Come sleep."
"Okay." I whimpered as I crawled into the spot next to her.
I yelped when she touched my ass, and she smirked. "I'm proud of you for voicing what you needed, San. I'm always going to take care of you, just like I know you'll take care of me in whatever way I need. Right?"
"Right."
"Good, now sleep."
We were both tired...both in need of a serious recharge and so we did the best thing we could think to do.
Nap.
For the last two days, Quinn has gone to bed early so she could get up for work and I have fallen asleep on the couch...way too sick to be far from the bathroom.
Tomorrow she doesn't work...
Tomorrow is the last day we have together before Beth gets home on Sunday...
So, for the first time since I got here, I slept in a bed with Quinn cuddled around me.
Feeling sore but cared for, I gave in to the need to push pause on life.
And it was the best sleep that I've had since Thanksgiving.
She cradled me in her arms, keeping a hand on my ass the entire time, keeping me aware of who was in control, and it felt so freeing.
Even with a sore ass, I still felt so much love from her.
Maybe we weren't together like I wanted us to be, but the fact that she was still willing to show up for me earned my loyalty forever.