Gimme All Your Love (Alabama Shakes)
JANUARY
SANTANA'S POV
As we were climbing out of the shower, my phone chimed, and from the ringer, I knew it was my parents.
"Let's call them back; I really do want to put something on your butt." Q murmured.
"No, after my confession, they are on edge. I have to answer."
"Let's at least put some robes on then."
I nodded and sent a quick text.
Just got out of the shower. I'll call back in a second.-Santana
Get dressed. Then call, I want to see your faces!-Mami
Okay.-Santana
"See, I knew it." Q said from over my shoulder.
I pulled on the loosest bottoms she had because mine were too tight and a shirt before laying on my stomach with my phone.
Quinn was fully dressed and looking flawless compared to my frumpiness when she lay next to me.
"How did you do that so quickly?"
"I had to learn, with wrangling myself and Beth, there's no time to waste."
"Obviously. Let's get this over with."
She nodded, and then we used her tablet to make the call since the screen was bigger.
"There she is!" Papi said, and Mami came strutting into focus a few seconds later. They were both fully dressed as they sat on the couch, and then I saw it.
But Quinn spoke first.
"Is that City Hall behind you? Are you in town?"
Mami smirked, but my stomach dropped.
Shit.
So much for having a lazy day.
"Fix your face, Nanita. Yes, we were headed to New York to check on your place and see a few places of our own. We couldn't come to the East Coast and not see you."
"My face is fine." I grumbled.
"I know when you're lying, I'll try not to take it personally." Mami huffed.
Papi rolled his eyes and spoke for Mami. "What Maribel means to say is, we thought we'd site see and then, since we don't want to impose on your alone time too much, we were thinking of taking you two out to lunch or dinner. Does that work for you two?" Papi asked, and Quinn nodded vigorously.
"I'd love that."
"How about you, Tata?" Papi asked and I looked to Quinn, who had her eyebrow raised. Just out of their eyeshot, her hand was on my ass, lightly squeezing.
She wasn't giving me a choice.
So I smiled as much as I could, "That's fine. Bendicion to you both, I'm happy you're here."
Once I said that, I felt the normal morning lurch and excused myself from the call, trusting that Q could handle any questions they had.
That morning's withdrawal wasn't as bad, but it was enough to make me rewash my face and scrub my tongue.
By the time I returned to the room, the call had ended, and Quinn was rubbing cream between her hands.
"Take off your pants." She said, and I smirked at her.
"Wanky."
"I wish."
"Did you tell them?"
"That you were sick? Yes. Your father was proud that you refused medication still, and your mother spent a good five minutes trying to get me to convince you to go back to Lima."
I shuddered as I pushed my pants down and then lay on the bed.
"I take it she didn't convince you?"
"Of course not. I simply reminded Maribel of who else is currently in Lima, and if she wanted you to be sober, maybe you shouldn't be near the people who make you want to numb yourself with drugs."
"Damn. How'd that go?" I sighed when her cool hands rubbed my sore flesh. "Oh God, that feels good."
"I think we need to punish you differently until some of this heals. It looks bad."
"Whatever you think is best, mi Reina." I mumbled, and her rubbing hands stilled.
"Do you mean that?"
"I do."
"Okay, good. Besides, I think denying you orgasms without my permission might be punishment enough for now."
"Ugh, please don't. I'll behave."
She cackled, "I just bet you will, Princess."
Despite the spankings, the amazing sex, and the endless support I was getting from Quinn, there was still an itch under my skin that I was trying really hard not to scratch.
My sore ass was a healthy reminder that I didn't have to indulge, and of course, not really leaving Quinn's side.
She'd just rubbed cream onto my ass when she got a call from Lydia.
When she gave me a look and then moved to get up, I shook my head. "I'll be quiet. Just stay with me."
She nodded and then accepted the call.
I hadn't realized it was a video call, and I had forgotten about the mirror she had hanging.
"Um, maybe Santana should put some clothes on." Lydia said, "Thank God I hadn't handed the phone over to Bunny yet."
"Shit." I got up from the bed and pulled on the clothes I had laid out. Quinn had a smirk on her face, but I felt grumpy because I was craving and even though there weren't any drugs around, I still didn't want to be alone.
Just when I was about to lay back down, my phone rang. I saw it was Brittany and knew that I couldn't stay in the room with Quinn.
"Bathroom is open." She said, nodding towards the open door across the room.
I nodded and then walked into the bathroom, leaving the door cracked.
QUINN'S POV
"Sorry about that." I said to Lydia, even though I didn't really feel any shame.
"No, you're not." She said with a wink. "She's got a nice ass, although I can see you took my advice."
"Hush."
"Right, anyway, from the sound of it, Bunny is on her way downstairs."
"Nice. When do you think you'll fly in?"
"Actually, I was looking at her school schedule, and school doesn't start up for another week. I'll be off. Would you mind terribly if we kept her for a few more days?"
I missed Beth terribly, and while I could really use the time to spend with Santana since I was also off the upcoming week, I did want my little girl to come home.
"That sounds okay, do you think maybe you can fly in the Thursday before school starts back up so I can get her back on her sleep schedule? Also, Noah is back on base starting Friday and has already let me know he wants some one-on-one time with her that weekend, but don't tell her. He wants it to be a surprise."
"Perfect! I'll change our flights. She's going to be so excited."
"Oh yeah? Any reason in particular?"
"Alex has been visiting family but will be back tomorrow."
"Ha! That makes sense."
"So, are you two official?" I was about to answer when I heard Santana's voice raise in the bathroom. So, I left my room and went out into the living room to give her space.
"No. I halted things once I knew about the drugs."
"I still can't believe that happened."
"Me either."
"You'll figure it all out. If she's serious about you, things will work out."
"I hope so."
Seeing Beth's shining face, with a tan and so much lightness brought up my spirits immediately.
"Hey, Sweets."
"Hi! Why do you have angry eyebrows?"
"What? I'm not angry. I think I'm just trying to hold back tears. I miss you so much."
"Oh, well, that's acceptable." She said, her mouth stretching as she said such a big word.
"I hear Alex is coming home tomorrow, are you excited that you get to stay longer?"
"Yes! I'm so excited."
"Good! Be on your best behavior."
"Duh, Mama, I'm 5 now, I'm the best behaved."
"I just know you are, but you know that Mom handbook that I got says I have to remind you."
"Oh, that thing, well, maybe cross out the stuff that is useless."
"I'll get right on that."
"Excellent." She said, with a creepy face.
This little girl was my everything.
When I heard a thump come from the bathroom, I knew that I needed to check in on the person who needed mothering more than my 5-year-old did.
SANTANA'S POV
When I picked up, I knew immediately that my morning was about to suck because it was Whitney staring back at me.
"Santana, good to see you. I hear you're in Philadelphia. On to the next one, am I right?"
"Happy New Year, Mom." I said, trying to remind her that there was a time when she loved me enough to ask me to call her that.
She didn't even flinch. "Ex-mom."
"Not if you two are refusing to sign the papers."
"You hurt her. Of course, Brittany would retaliate."
"She hurt me first, repeatedly, and not just me either."
She sucked in a breath. It had been Papi who had shown Whitney the pictures of Quinn from after the rape.
It had been the first time I had seen them, too, and seeing them cemented just how much I needed to divorce B.
Quinn didn't know I'd seen the pictures, and I was pretty sure that it was better that way. I never wanted her to think that I pitied her; it would ruin her confidence, and that's the last thing I wanted.
"She wasn't in her right mind because of you."
"Bullshit. That was all her doing. I don't have all day to stay on this phone while you criticize me. I've got shit to do, so spare me your fabricated version of things that you weren't there to witness, and tell me what this call is really about?"
I leaned back against the wall, way too afraid to sit on anything. I could feel the cravings starting, and it made me want to scream. I just wanted to be sober. Why did my body need something that I so clearly didn't want?
"Retribution."
"What do you want this time?"
"The embryos."
I balked. "Fuck no. Don't you dare!"
"Brittany and you made them together."
"Correction, I made them with donor sperm. They are not hers."
"According to the lawyers, Brittany is entitled to them."
"I'll destroy them before I let her take them, Whitney. Absolutely not. We were married for less than six months. She is only allotted alimony. That's it."
"Does your new side piece know you'd destroy human life to spite your wife?"
"Excuse me?"
"I'll take that as a no. I don't think Quinn Fabray, Ms. family values would approve of you destroying embryos."
I sighed, knowing that Whitney had a point. Quinn would probably suggest I find a different way, but right then, I didn't care if Quinn hated it; I couldn't let Brittany trap me with a kid.
"Look, you realize that even if she takes them, she can't use them without my consent."
"Which you'll give. Brittany has always known how to convince you of things, Santana."
"That's great. I'm going to hang up now."
"NO! Mom, stop messing with her. I didn't get to talk to her." Britt said from the background.
"Oh, that's rich. Britt's there with you?"
"Where else would she be?"
"Give me the phone, Mom."
"When will you learn that she was never good enough for you, Brittany?" Her mom asked, and I growled, feeling myself very close to the deep end again.
I pressed my ass back against the wall to feel the sting and took a deep breath.
When I opened my eyes, it was Britt's eyes looking at me, and I wondered how I'd gone from being in awe of her to hating her so monumentally.
I could feel my nostrils flaring as I slapped my hand on the wall.
"San baby, calm down." Britt said as she took over the call. Her cheeks were pink as she looked over my face. "Please?"
"Get your mother under control, Brittany. I swear on Anthony's grave that if you don't, I will never speak to you again."
I thought it was a tame threat, but when she immediately burst into tears, I knew I'd struck a nerve.
"Please don't, Santana, please. I'm sorry for what I did. I am. I just want to have a baby, your baby. Why is that a bad thing?"
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"You're still my wife."
"I'm not yours anymore, Britt. It's over, we are through."
"Not if I say we aren't. You are mine."
The phone went back to Whitney, and she looked fucking gleeful.
"See, my daughter is way more in control than you give her credit for. If she wants a baby, then she'll have one."
"You tell Brittany that if she keeps pushing, Quinn has agreed to testify. You tell her there is video evidence, that there are pictures of the aftermath, and witness statements. Sue has been collecting evidence to bury her and has just been waiting on the go-ahead from Quinn."
"You're bluffing."
"Try me, Bitch!" I said before ending the call.
I'd been looking away from the cracked door, so when I turned around and Quinn was standing there staring at me with tears in her eyes, I knew I'd fucked up.
"Is that true? Does Sue have stuff?"
"I'm not supposed to know. Papi told me about it the last time we talked. He wanted to know if I had pictures of the things she's done to me."
Quinn looked pale.
"She's hurt you?" It was almost cute how Q was looking me over as if Britt had been with me recently.
"I don't think I saw it as abuse when we were together. I think I thought of it like the spankings, but the way she gripped my throat was more extreme than the way she did it to you. She never punched me or anything, so much of the abuse was psychological, but I did take pictures when she got too rough. I gave those to Papi."
"I don't want to testify, San."
"I know, and you won't have to. I just needed her to know I was serious. Please don't be mad. I just want to be divorced already and they're playing games. I'm tired of this bullshit. New year, same shit."
Quinn leaned in and kissed my lips.
All of the heavy stuff dulled a bit once her lips were on mine.
She pulled back with a soft smile, "I'm not mad. I understand."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. Now let's go have breakfast. You promised me bacon and more naps."
"And sexy time?"
"Maybe."
"Only, maybe?"
She slapped my ass, and I hissed. She raised her eyebrow, "You'd think after last night, you'd be too sore for me to attempt any more seduction."
"Who says it would be you that's doing the seducing?"
"As it stands, Princess, I believe history would suggest that it would obviously be me."
"Oh, yeah? Are we establishing roles?"
"Roles happen naturally. You are a bad bitch, but baby, I'm the baddest." She teased, and I rolled my eyes. "Aren't you the one that had two orgasms without me touching you just yesterday?"
I could feel the heat in my cheeks. "Yes."
"Had that happened to you before?"
"No."
"And where were you when this happened? What were you doing?"
"I was on my knees, pleasuring you."
"Enough said, Princess." She said with a wink, and God help me, I was putty.
QUINN'S POV
Last night, for just a little while, I had shut my brain off and instead allowed my heart to take over. It was a risky move, opening myself up like that and stepping up in such a huge way.
Santana has been an out lesbian for over three years, but her experience goes beyond that...she's been with more than just one woman...she's experienced life and sex from more than one person, and while I had slept with Lydia and Asha, neither of those experiences was with people who loved women exclusively.
It was intimidating for her to let me lead her when she should be the one leading me.
But San didn't see it that way; she let me take control and lead her seamlessly. It was empowering to know that every move I made was loved, desired, and cherished by her.
With all that being said, sitting here across from her in broad daylight, with the lines of exhaustion written on her face...not just from our love fest last night but from the drug usage over the last few months...coupled with her pending divorce...I'm faced with a reality that I can't sugarcoat, no matter how much I longed to try.
This wasn't going to be easy.
Being with her was going to test every bit of patience and trust that I possessed, and I needed to know that she was still on board.
After hearing the tail end of her conversation, I knew that she was still on edge and could easily land in another spiral.
It's wholly terrifying.
If I had learned anything so far at school and work, no matter how much it seems like you can handle big things on your own, it is never a bad thing to have help, which is why I was so happy that her parents were in town for a few hours.
When she'd left me to talk to them, they dropped their facades and asked me for the truth.
They wanted to know how sick she was, how bad the spiral had been, and if Santana would do drugs again.
I could see how much it hurt them that she was in this spot.
And then they enlightened me on a few things, like how she'd been increasingly suicidal.
I'd seen clues, but nothing indicated that she was so close to the edge that she'd jump.
Now that I knew, I could see the cracks.
And then I admitted something to them that Santana would hate me for.
"She asked me to discipline her, to help deter her."
The Lopezes weren't my parents. Judy would have blushed and told me that was inappropriate, and Russell would have called me a whore or something.
But Santana's parents didn't become prudes. Instead, they made me promise to always have her consent and to respect her limits.
"What made you tell us this, Quinn?" Maribel asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk.
"I spanked her a few times. She's having trouble sitting, I did check in, she said she's okay and that it's helping. I just didn't want you to be surprised if she seemed uncomfortable during dinner."
Antonio's smirk was evil. "Oh, I'm so going to mess with her."
I smirked when I saw her wiggle in her seat and then cleared my throat, but she didn't look at me.
"You've been staring into your hot chocolate for a long time, Princess." I said to her after I had finished my own, and she still had more than half left.
She looked up at me and searched my face. I raised an eyebrow and couldn't hold back my smirk when I saw her squirm.
"I'm sore." She muttered.
"I know; that has nothing to do with your mouth, though. You are the one that got me out of bed, you'll recall. I had food at home. So, eat your food, or talk. Please?"
She huffed and took a sip of her hot chocolate, then looked at me with a soft smile. She lifted her arm to signal our waiter and then threw me a curveball, which I caught without an ounce of hesitation.
"Do you love me, Q?" She asks after sipping at her mug of hot chocolate. Nervousness is written in the lines on her face and the worrying of her bottom lip shows me just how much she needs reassurance.
"I do, no matter what." I said...hopefully not missing a beat.
"Do you trust me?" She asked, the inflection of her voice so fucking fragile, which set me on edge because, amazing sex or not, she still had a bit of a drug problem, and I had an impressionable daughter to raise.
"I want to." I said honestly; the hurt never registered in her demeanor, but her eyes told me differently.
She looked away from me and out onto the street. She blinked rapidly.
"That's fair." She said, without looking at me. I watched the tears slide from her eyes, which she swiped at like they'd offended her.
I reached across the table and touched her hand. She flinched as she looked at me with a small smile, one that didn't reach her eyes.
"It's not fair. I've always trusted you in the past."
She sucked in a breath and then nodded. "Until I stayed with her?"
"Twice."
"Well, shit. Fuck my audacity, for even asking a question like that, I guess."
"I trust you, for the most part, a little more each day."
"What will it take for you to trust me like you used to?" She asked, pulling her hands back and placing them under the table onto her lap. She was trying to distance herself, separate her heart from the feelings that were plaguing her.
That was the last thing that I wanted.
"Honesty, sobriety, and actively keeping walls down."
"Both of us, right?"
"Of course." That's how it should be...my guards are just as strong as hers...if not more so.
"Good." She still seemed closed off, but I ignored it and tried to make light conversation.
I wanted to say more, but then the food came, and she wouldn't even look at me as she ate.
There was no light banter, just her creased brow and a look of determination in her eyes.
But that could mean anything when it comes to her.
The waiter put the check between us, but Santana handed him her card before he could leave. "Can you have this boxed up as well?"
"Of course."
"Thank you." She said, and then handed him a $50, "That's for you."
"Thank you! Happy New Year, I'll get this check right back to you."
"What's got you so silent, S?"
"I've waited to be with you for so long that the thought of jumping through hoops just to gain your trust seems daunting."
"For you and me both. Whether we like it or not though, it will take time. I may talk a good game, but I was raped less than six months ago. I'm still healing."
"You're right. I'm so sorry about that, Q. I'm so fucking sorry. I brought her to your door." She said, and now she had her face in her hands, taking deep breaths before wiping her tears away and smiling at me again. "You can take however long you need, Q. I don't know if I'd be so forgiving or trying to trust me if I were you. I'm such an asshole."
"Let's go home, San, please? People are starting to stare. I'd much rather we talk about this in private, and like I already told you, my rape isn't a sober conversation."
She nodded and then drank more of her hot chocolate, "Right, okay. We can go."
"Thank you. Can I hold your hand?"
"Please?" She said back, sounding so small, but I didn't see her that way; she was, in every way, still the woman I'd loved for most of my life.
"And so we are clear, last night went a long way to making me trust you."
She smiled at me, but there was still a heaviness lingering.
SANTANA'S POV
Right then, when she was shouldering my hurt and my self-loathing, I was supremely annoyed with myself for feeling some way about what she asked of me.
But I still took her hand as we walked out of the restaurant.
Quinn was doing her best to stay upbeat, I could tell, and all I was doing was being a fucking storm cloud.
It's just that I hate feeling like I have to compromise who I am to fit into whatever blonde box I've fallen for.
But she's not Brittany...she's not asking for anything extreme.
She's simply telling me what I need to do to be a part of her family, her life.
And was it really much at all?
I mean, how honest has she been with me?
The whole Lydia thing, for instance...but I'd be a fool to think she'd wait for me while I went back and forth with Brittany.
Surface level, I'm happy that she got some ass, but deeper, underneath all my foolish pride...I'm jealous.
I can't measure up to Lydia. She's older...more experienced and is stable.
Stability is something I do not have...not by a long shot.
But if she were going to BE with Lydia...she would be by now.
Instead, she was here with me.
"San?"
"Hmm?"
"How's your ass?"
I stopped short on the sidewalk, and she nearly stumbled but righted herself before she could fall.
"Sore, Q. If you're thinking that I might need some help, you're right, but you see, I really want to have sex with you again today."
"I see."
"Please don't take my attitude personally. I'm craving, I'm sleep deprived, and I'm extremely pissed off with myself for my stupidity this last year."
"Are you sure it's not because I'm asking you to step up your game to earn my trust back after you trusted me to spank you twice yesterday?"
"How the fuck do you unpack my thoughts and turn them into digestible little nuggets like that?"
"It's a gift."
"Clearly."
Historically, I've held my thoughts close to my chest, but something about Quinn made me say shit out loud, no matter how hard I fought to keep them in.
"Am I asking too much of you, San? You can tell me."
"It's not your terms that give me pause, Q, because, honestly, for you and Beth, I'd move the heavens and Earth if I could. Right now, I'm getting on my own nerves."
"I think...you know what, I get it. Brittany demanded a lot of you, and when she wasn't demanding, she was manipulating you into doing what she wanted."
I growled, and she nodded, looking way too proud of herself for figuring me out. "Stop trying to shrink my head, Q. You do remember who my mother is, right?"
"Well, you do end up marrying your parents."
"You know, he'd kill me if I said this to him, so please never repeat this, but I think had my mother not been who she was when Anthony died, Papi would have become like Brittany. Not a rapist, but definitely abusive and manipulative."
"Antonio is so docile."
"Yeah, that's because you haven't been spanked by him. That man used to whip my ass if I stepped out of line."
"Well, you did love to set fires as a kid."
"Still do. I just know better than to start one."
"Yeah, I'd spank your ass, too, if you decided to become an arsonist."
"Dang, one less career to pursue."
"Sorry to crush your dreams."
"Meh, you set one fire. You've set them all."
"I need to tell you something that is going to make you either pissed or ashamed." I swallowed hard and looked at her, not wanting to discourage her from being honest with me.
"Okay, tell me."
"I told your parents about spanking you."
I dropped her hand and stood there, completely stunned.
Was she serious?
"What? Why?"
"You can barely sit down, they would have noticed and thought you were resisting the urge to snort a line off the table or something...or that you had to pee."
"And so you thought telling them was better?" I wasn't even angry; I was just shocked.
"Well, yes. I know it's unorthodox, but after you just said what you did about your father spanking you as a kid, I understand your need for it more."
"Shit. Are you saying I have daddy issues?"
"I'd probably say that if you begged me to make it sexual, or called me daddy, but instead, you took your punishment."
"What did they say?"
"They told me to always have your consent, and to respect your limits."
"That sounds like Mami. What did Papi say?"
"He had that evil smile he gets sometimes, and said he was going to mess with you."
Of course, he did.
"Well then. I guess I'm grateful you are giving me a heads up, I think I wouldn't be taking it so well if it had come out at dinner. Now I can mess with him right back."
"And now you have the evil smile."
"Like father, like daughter."
"I hope that only goes for you and not me."
"So do I. Now, can we go take advantage of the time we have before we have to go to dinner?"
"Yes, please."
"Do you love me, S?"
"I love you, Q. Always."
"And last night was okay?"
"It was great, the best I ever had."
We sat on a bench in the park, and she held my hand in her lap while I tried to find a comfortable position for my butt.
When I looked back up at her, she was staring at me with comically large eyes as she let my words soak in.
"The best?" She said with a dry chuckle.
I nodded, in awe of it myself.
"Yes."
I didn't want to give her the sordid details of how Brittany went from being a bottom to a top in our relationship pretty quickly or how Dani bowed to my every whim.
I'd had it both ways, really, but rarely have I come so much or so hard.
Those are the things I'm trying not to say or think because comparison isn't healthy.
But last night...my God, she was amazing.
"Wow, I'm speechless."
"Well, I'm not. My ass hurts. As nice as it is to sit here with you, I need a soft couch or to lay on my stomach or something. Can we go?"
She cackled as she stood, holding her hand out to me. "Anything for you, Princess."