The Cave (Mumford & Sons)
MARCH
"It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind."
SANTANA'S POV
"It's good to see you turning things around." Carla said to me during one of our weekly sessions that sometimes doubled as sponsor meetings.
"I've worked really hard on my last few assignments. I think I'm starting to find my place here."
"How's your sobriety?"
"It's okay."
"How long since your last?"
"A week."
"Are you still seeing Quinn?"
"Yes, we've been going on dates. I do my non music homework over there. Q and I take turns cooking for Beth. It's been really good."
"When's the last time that Quinn thinks you used?"
"No idea, January, maybe."
My phone buzzed, and I smiled at Carla.
"You want to take that?"
"Yes, Beth has a recital tonight at her school. She has a solo, I set an alarm so that I can pick up flowers for her."
"That's sweet."
"She's the best part of my days."
"Keep working the steps, Santana, and give the meetings a chance."
"I'll think about it. Thanks, Carla."
Her smile was tight as she hugged me. I could see the same look in her eyes that Carlo had when he was disappointed, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
I was passing my classes, wasn't using on campus, and I was showing up on-time to our meetings.
What more could she want?
"Did you see how she twirled after her solo?" I asked Quinn as we sat eating ice cream long after Beth had gone to bed. "I showed her that."
"You are turning my daughter into a diva, San."
"Nah, she was already one. Look at who her parents are, Shelby, you, and I mean, even Puck is a bit of a diva."
"True."
We were giggling together, trying not to be too loud, and then Quinn was looking at me with lust.
It'd been a month since we'd been sexual, but now she was looking like she wanted to eat me.
"I miss you, Q. I feel like there's been this wall between us since January."
"That's purposeful, Princess." She purred, and I rolled my eyes.
"Why?"
She searched my eyes and then gave me a small smile.
"My gut tells me that you haven't been truthful with me, San. I can't shake it."
"Truthful about what? I mean, I keep you updated on this divorce that's lasting longer than my actual marriage, and I've been going to therapy."
My talks with Carla could be considered therapy, right?
"That's not what I'm talking about."
"Then what is it?"
She bit her lip and then seemed to settle the war in her mind. "We can either rehash it or have sex, I don't think we can do both."
"That depends, Q."
"On what?"
"Will I get to fuck you?"
That had been the problem that I didn't realize would become such a big deal for me. In all the times we'd been intimate, most times it was her fucking me, and while it's been mind-blowing, I could feel her pulling away from me, and I didn't like it.
It didn't feel like there was love behind it, and it terrified me.
Did she know I hadn't been sober?
Was she going to dump me at any moment?
"You've got me off every time we've had sex, San and next week, during your spring break, Beth will be in Texas for her break. We can go at it like we did for New Year's."
And I knew then that we weren't headed in the same direction as we had been before the drugs.
It felt mechanical.
"Actually, Q, I am heading to Lima for the break. I have to meet my lawyer about finalizing the divorce."
"Oh."
"You could come with me."
I expected her to turn me down, but instead, she agreed, which gave me hope. Maybe I was overthinking this chasm between us.
Being back in my childhood bedroom at Papi's house with Quinn was amazing.
At Mami's, there was always the chance that my mother would barge in, but at Papi's, his schedule was set.
He gave us space and didn't ask too many questions.
We were spending our time equally between my parents so that they would both get their way.
Q seemed to come alive back in Lima.
Some of it had to do with being home, and some of it had to do with Mami sitting down with her each day to talk through things.
And thanks to Mami, it seemed that we were getting back on track.
"I'm sorry I've been so distant, Princess. I am struggling with dating as a single mom, and knowing she's in the next room while I'm fucking you, is hard to wrap my head around. What if I'm deep inside of you and she knocks on the door? It's my own hang up, It's why I've been in control of when and how it happens. I'm sorry I've let it become a big thing between us."
We'd just had mind-blowing sex and were now having some pillow talk, which made me feel freer to speak.
"Thanks for telling me how you feel Q."
"I want us to be honest with each other." She was searching my eyes, and dropping little kisses on my face. I felt my tears well up, and she gave me a soft smile. "You can tell me anything, Santana. I love you, and I want to help you however I can. Please, talk to me." She whispered before kissing me once more.
And just like that, she blew through my resolve to keep shit to myself
"I'm sorry too, Q. I haven't been fully honest about using again. I spent a few days in the hospital around your birthday, but I'm better now."
Telling her about the drugs hadn't been in the plan, but she was being so transparent with me, so I slipped up.
Her face was stone as she closed her eyes, taking deep breaths. "I knew it." She whispered. "I didn't want to believe my gut, but I knew it."
"Look at me, please?" I squeaked.
When she opened her eyes again, there were tears. "You can't go down this road, S. I thought you were doing well."
"I don't think I'll be fully well until the divorce is final."
"And who knows when that will be, right?"
"Next month, hopefully, is she signs the latest agreement."
"Do your parents know?"
"About the divorce? Of course."
"About the drugs."
"No."
"That ends tonight. You need to tell them."
"Or what?"
"It's not an ultimatum. We want to help you, and in order to do that, we have to know these things."
"And what if I don't want help?"
"Then this is it for us, Princess. I already told you, I cannot have you influencing Beth."
"Fine, I'll talk to them."
"I'll be right by your side."
She looked so skeptical even though she was being supportive, and I knew more than anything she needed to know I'd kept my promise.
"I've been sober any time I'm near Beth. I've kept my word on that at least. I don't want her to see me like that."
"Good, because you already know that if you fuck up and she sees you like that, it's going to take a lot more than apologies and good sex for me to forgive you."
"Say less."
QUINN'S POV
Getting to witness Maribel tear into Santana was a sight to see, because she was cold as ice as she talked to Santana like she wasn't her child. San had once said in jest, that she wants my therapist as a mom and I've rolled my eyes.
Maribel has been amazing to me but when it came to Santana, she was ruthless.
I wanted to cut in, but Antonio held tight to my hand and shook his head.
"I'm trying to be better, Mami."
"You haven't made any active attempts to better yourself beyond what you assume your family or whoever you're sleeping with wants. I don't think you actually want to be better."
"How can you say that to me?" Santana flinched when her mother raised her hand, I was surprised she didn't stand up since she's so much taller than Maribel, but I could tell that she'd been taught to sit still while her mother talked to her, because she had a white knuckled grip on her chair.
Maribel stopped in front of Santana and leaned in close, I could tell she'd switched to Spanish as she spoke so that all I could hear was the vibration of her growl.
Santana was nodding as tears left her eyes, and my heart ached.
God, please don't ever let me be this way with Beth.
I turned to Antonio, and he was running his hand through his hair while watching Santana.
"Pop, please, stop this." I hissed to him. "If you don't, I will."
He nodded and finally stood up.
Santana turned her head towards her father and Maribel gripped her chin, yanking San's head back to face her.
Antonio stood behind Santana and rested his hands on her shoulders. All it took was a look from him for Maribel to take a step back.
"You're staying with me tonight, Tata. Just you and me."
"Okay, Papi." She mumbled.
"Let's go."
Santana didn't even look at me as she left me at her mother's house, leaving me to deal with Maribel who was still ranting as she stormed upstairs.
I wasn't sure yet if I regretted getting her to open up to her parents or if I was grateful, but if Santana's slumped shoulders was any indication, Maribel hadn't helped her one bit, if anything, she made it much worse.
I had to make it right.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Q?"
"I am. It's long overdue."
I stood behind Sue Sylvester, with Maribel standing just behind me as we waited on the front porch of the Pierce house.
Santana would be furious once she found out, but I didn't care because this situation was killing the woman I loved.
For two days she's been Antonio's shadow, refusing to come back to Maribel's house, or let me fuck her. Instead, she's demure, and sad.
I apologized to her, but she just looked at me and nodded, with no words of assurance that we were okay.
And Maribel, for her part, seemed just fine with the arrangement.
It was untenable the way she'd been able to brush off Santana like nothing. I could see the part of her that had torn apart her marriage.
And I could see the part of Maribel that was so much like Alma.
No wonder Santana often seemed to cling to her father.
He was her safe place.
The door opened, and Britt's younger sister, who I hadn't seen in years, opened the door. She had the dark features of Pierce but bright blue eyes from her mother.
"Hi, Coach. Brittany's in her room, want me to get her?"
"Yes, thank you, Courtney."
My heart was racing, and then I got a text.
You shouldn't be there.-Santana
Who told you?-Q
Britt did, her room faces the driveway. Please be careful. I don't trust her.-Santana
Will do!-Q
Brittany rolled into the living room, looking way better than I ever did in a wheelchair. She had her hair cut short and dyed a darker blonde.
Santana kept telling me that Brittany was different and detached from what she did to me, but I needed to see it for myself.
When she looked at me, her eyes didn't have malice. Instead, she had shame.
But I wasn't buying it, not yet.
"What are you doing here?" She asked me, ignoring the three other people in the room. "I've left you alone. Haven't I?"
I moved over to her and handed her a picture from Thanksgiving.
She looked at the picture of an emaciated-looking Santana and then back at me with tears in her eyes.
"This is what you're doing to her. When I saw her for Thanksgiving, she was skeletal. You and I both love Santana at her best. We both have seen her at her worst, this divorce is going to kill her."
I was trying to appeal to what was left of her humanity, but I also needed to see her reaction.
There was anger in her eyes as she ripped the picture in half and held it out to me. "You never could leave shit alone, could you?"
I nodded and then grabbed her hand, the one I had bitten into.
She looked down at the fingers that had bumpy scars on them, right where I bit down.
"You fucked up, Britt. I don't care how much you say that you're not the person who held a gun to my head and raped me, I know you are still that person."
She tried to pull her hand away, but I gripped it tight. I could tell by the wide look of her sister's eyes that she didn't know this. Britt looked ashamed, and it was about fucking time. "You're hurting me." She squeaked.
"Good." I leaned in, not giving a shit about the chair, been there, done that. Being unable to walk didn't excuse people from being assholes. "You did your worst to me, but I will not let you ruin her. I would kill you before I let that happen, and happily sit in jail just to keep her safe. You know what it is to be in my protection, Brittany, because you were under it for four years. Drop the fucking drama, and sign the papers."
She snatched her hand away and looked at Sue and Maribel. "How can you let her threaten me like that?"
"That was tame, Brittany. Your conduct has been abhorrent."
"I don't know what that means." Brittany said, and her younger sister rolled her eyes.
"It means disgusting, nasty, foul." Courtney said, and Brittany blushed.
"I'm not that person anymore."
"Prove it." I said, and then walked towards the front door, feeling like I had done something right for once.
I should have known better.
APRIL
"'Cause I need freedom now, And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be."
QUINN'S POV
The talk with Brittany had made her change her mind about the agreement.
She didn't want the trust anymore; she was instead asking for repayment for the few weeks of Juilliard, an agreement to destroy the embryos, and a stipulation that Santana couldn't remarry for a year.
I said she was delusional.
Maribel said it was worth it if the divorce could be finalized.
Antonio wanted to sue Brittany for assault, battery, and emotional damages.
We knew though that no matter what we thought, Santana was going to do her own thing.
Normally, I can sway her, or I'd at least have an idea of her plans, but Santana had gone quiet with just about everyone.
We got back to Philly, and she threw herself into school.
Beth and I got to see Santana twice during the week and once for church on Sundays, until she started to show signs of slipping and I told her we needed a break from her being around so much.
So we dropped down to Saturday night sleepovers, church on Sunday, and then lunch before she went back home. She didn't complain once, but I knew it hurt her.
And at first she was trying to clue me in.
Santana had come to me while Beth was with Puck for the weekend, and I was home alone looking broken but instead of talking, she'd taken off her belt, lifted her dress and told me to spank her until she begged me to stop.
Instead, I gave her about 25 lashes and threw the belt to the side.
I'd tried to give her some aftercare, but instead, she put the belt back over her dress, kissed my cheek and left my place.
The next time she tried that, I refused unless she let me take care of her after, and she broke down in tears.
Obviously, I wouldn't spank her like that, so instead I just held her while she cried and let her shut down in a safe, drug-free place for the weekend, but once Beth was on her way home, I told her she had to go back to her dorm.
I watched the wall go up at that moment, and knew that I should have let her see Beth, but I was trying to protect my little girl and Santana knew that.
That was the beginning of her slipping right in front of my eyes, and I kept trying to get her to see a therapist, but nothing I was doing worked.
She didn't come over for a whole week after I sent her back to her dorm, but would call me each night asking about Beth's day, sometimes reminding me about an event at her school or a bake sale.
Without me asking, Santana was being a second parent to Beth, and I had broken my word about letting Santana be around if she was sober.
So I gave in, I started inviting her over, choosing to meet her after her classes before she had a chance to find drugs.
We'd go pick Beth up together, do homework, and cook. When she was able to be a parent to Beth, even though I never asked her to, Santana was at her best.
She was born to be a mother, that was evident to me because we got to a point where I only saw the Santana that I loved when she was with Beth.
I was just grateful that the moment Beth was around, she was back to being herself.
I reveled in it, because I felt like that was enough to save her.
She was crying for help, and I was at a loss for what to do.
I told myself that as long as she was okay with Beth and staying sober, things would work themselves out, but then the call came from Brittany.
Whitney was dying.
Brittany was broke.
Pierce was broke.
They were going to lose their house.
Why couldn't Santana help them?
It all came to a head when Santana showed up, begging me to tell her what to do.
She wanted me to decide for her, and it wasn't something I could do.
"You have to decide, San. You can't do this with your heart, you have to be logical about this."
"How can I be logical? All of this has been illogical, Quinn!"
"Keep your voice down, Princess." I warned, and she hung her head.
"I'm sorry." She sniffed. "I'm just going to drop out and give her what she wants."
"No."
"Yes, Q. She needs it more than me, her mom has stage 4 cancer, it's the least I can do."
"Fuck that. How can you put your life on the line like this?"
She sat there on my couch, her foot bouncing up and down. She'd walked from school and shown up here like this in the middle of the night and I was just supposed to go along with it.
Fuck that.
"Put my life on the line? Q...I'm not the one in a wheelchair. I'm not the one dying. If you want me to keep my voice down, then you should too because your voice is louder than mine. Do you think I want Beth to see me like this?"
"Like what? Tell me you're clean, San."
She looked up at me, her eyes bloodshot.
"What do you think?"
"I think you need to go."
"It's just weed, Q...I haven't touched coke in months."
I was tired, I was frustrated, and this was not what I needed to hear from her.
"Let me testify." I said, sitting on the coffee table so that I could be level with her.
She shook her head and bit her dry lips...her leg continued to bounce, and now that I was closer, I could see her pupils were huge.
This couldn't be just weed...the signs were right in front of me, and I could either call her out on it...make her be real with me, or I could ignore it.
I felt so torn.
"Mama?" Beth called from her room.
And then the choice was obvious.
"Leave now, Santana."
"Q..." She began to say, but then it came...the blood dripping from her nose, and I knew that she had lied to me...right to my fucking face.
"Fuck, fuck you, Santana. Get the fuck out...now." I growled and watched her leg go still.
Her eyes got sad, but she stood up.
"Mama? Santana?" Beth said from her bedroom doorway.
"Hey, Kiddo...go back to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. Okay?"
"Maybe, Sweets, she has a lot to do...go get in bed and I'll come tuck you in."
"Can Santana tuck me in?"
Santana looked at me, and I looked at the darkness on her lip.
"No, Sweets...she really has to leave."
Beth looked sadly at Santana, who turned away from her and headed to the door.
"Tomorrow kiddo!" She yelled over her shoulder.
We hesitated in the doorway, Beth still watching us.
I reached for her jacket and gripped it in my fist.
"If you ever come around her like this again, I will KILL you."
"I'm sorry, Q."
"Tell me that when you're sober. Goodnight, San."
I regretted shutting the door behind her the moment that I did it, but it was something I had to do.
Right then, it came down to her and Beth...so I did what she would have done.
And it didn't even seem to serve a purpose because I spent an hour talking to Beth when she should have been sleeping.
Everything boiled down to the one question that unnerved me...the one that made these last two years seem like nothing more than going through the motions.
Is she worth it all?
And right now, as I sit here watching the sunrise, clutching my phone like a life raft, wondering where she is and in what state she's in...I'm not sure if I can answer that question the way that I wish I could.
As much as I want to be with her, right now, Beth has to be my priority and school, along with cutting ties with Brittany, needs to be hers.
So I have to accept that as long as Brittany plays a starring role in her life, she can't play any role in mine.
MAY
"It's empty in the valley of your heart. The sun, it rises slowly as you walk,
Away from all the fears, And all the faults you've left behind."
SANTANA'S POV
I was crying as I wrote out three emails and skimmed over them before hitting send. I kept throwing out SOS messages to Quinn, Rachel and my parents, hoping someone would stop me from going off the deep end.
Rachel it turned out, was the one who asked me to come stay with her if it ever got too much, which is what I did a few times when going to Quinn's wasn't an option and staying at school was depressing. Carlo had even let me work a shift or two, but never alone. The tips weren't as large, but it was enough to pay my way back and forth to the city.
I was so tired of fighting with Britt, myself and with Mami. I missed Quinn and Beth more than anything else, and after one too many lectures from Rachel, I was starting to see the light.
Mami,
She won't speak to me. One hiccup in four months, and she won't even answer my calls.
I've done everything that I know how to do. I've sent flowers, I've written her letters, I've even shown up at her job, but she won't speak to me.
We go to school within blocks of each other, and I know her schedule by heart, so I see her around. She's never alone anymore, but she's always smiling.
Maybe I need to move on. I may need to come home for a while for summer break to be done with Brittany once and for all.
She's going to sign those papers, even if it takes an army; in fact, I need one. Can you help me?
I can't do this alone.
Santana
Papi,
I did all the chivalrous things you told me to do, and I'm STILL in school, just like you wanted, but my grades are slipping. If you insist that I stay here, let me get a job so that I have something to do with my empty moments.
I'm an adult.
And yes, to your question, I've been going to NA meetings every single day since I slipped last month, and they are helping.
I can't do this alone, Papi. I need to keep busy, or I'm just going to end up back in New York making bad decisions.
Let me work?
I love you.
Tata
Rachel,
Thanks for letting me stay over this past month. I won't be coming back, because I feel the itch to find my old dealer.
My time with you helped me want to get my shit together, so it wasn't in vain. I tried everything you told me to do. I promised you that I wouldn't off myself, so I'm here. Checking in. I'm sorry that I called you yesterday, and didn't do anything but cry like a little punk. I cried myself hoarse, I don't even have a voice today.
Every time I try to speak, I cry instead. So here is what I need you to know just in case I don't make it through this. This is not a suicide note, so don't get weird.
1. You are an inspiration to me. Don't ever stop fucking singing.
2. Quinn and I made you prom queen because we wanted you to have Finn in the end. We were actually rooting for you two. Q will deny it, but it's true.
3. I wrote you into my will, so know that if I go, you will have a nice surprise coming.
4. Thank you for saving my life on that corner, I wanted to die, and you reminded me why I needed to live by showing me that picture of me and Beth ice skating. Thank you!
5. I love you.
Santana
"I'm surprised that we are having this conversation Santana. When we talked at the beginning of the semester, I was sure that you would do well here."
"Me too."
"Are you sure that you want this leave of absence?"
"No, I'm not but I've never had below a 3.0 in my life and now I'm staring at barely 2...there are people who work their asses off to be in this program and I'm not doing anything with it."
"You have been VERY honest with me this year, some of that probably has to do with the fear that my father would tell me first but either way...you came in fighting some tough demons and then the breakup with Quinn. I'm surprised you didn't try to drop out sooner, honestly."
"Yeah well, my father is a scary man when he wants to be."
"Tell me about it, you've met my father."
"Exactly, I promised him I'd stay out the semester and I did. I at least passed everything, even if it was just barely."
"So how about, you go home for summer, rest. Be clean and healthy, do some beat work, write some...get rid of all the toxic elements and we pick this back up in August."
"That's nearly four months from now, Carla...you really want to hold my spot that long?"
"You've got promise, kid. That first student project was amazing. Some of the best I've seen and so yes...I'm willing to keep your spot open until August 1st. Deal?"
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because, music and movies it's all about passion. People can feel when it's hollow and meaningless. Right now you are at bottom or near it at least and creativity is fueled by it. Go use this drama and put it in your music...in your stories. Trust me."
"Okay."
"Do we have a deal?"
I looked down at the withdrawal sheet that I was clutching in my hands. It had become crumpled at the edges and marked with mascara tear stains.
School was the only thing I had left that I cared about, and I didn't want to give it up so easily.
I didn't want to quit.
"Deal."
When I got to Lima, the first thing I did was call Sue and ask her to keep me busy. Of course, being the sadistic bitch she is, there was plenty for me to do.
I started off helping her film campaign ads, and then a few episodes of Sue Sees It, which would serve as internship credits when I got back to school if I went back.
She started getting me in shape, and I did everything I could to show that I was making a comeback.
I was still smoking weed, but I'd mostly laid off of anything harder than that.
And when I got the invite to Beth's party, I begged my parents to come with me.
They'd gotten invites and were going to turn them down, but when I told them that if I went alone and something bad happened, I'd end up high, they relented.
Everything wasn't better, but I was on my way.
The hardest part about being home, though, was seeing Brittany grieve her mother while she was still alive.
Whitney had been a devil to me, but I still made sure Britt and Court were okay because I was a better person than anyone gave me credit for.
Every time I was with Britt, all I could think about was Quinn and how much I missed her.
I think that's when B started giving up the fight over our divorce.
JUNE
"'Cause I have other things to fill my time, You take what is yours, and I'll take what's mine
Now let me at the truth, Which will refresh my broken mind."
QUINN'S POV
"Are you sure you can handle this, Quinn?"
"Suddenly you insisting that Beth ride to the park with Vincent and Puck in a separate car, is all making sense." I drawled sarcastically as I looked out at the big Texas sky.
"Look, this is a big deal, it's literally returning to the scene of the crime."
"I know that, but Beth wanted to come back here again for her birthday and what she wants, she gets."
"So that means you invited her?"
"For all Beth knows, Santana got busy with school and couldn't come around anymore. I let her believe that for months and now the chickens have come to roost. She was at the top of Beth's invite list...so yes, I invited her."
"Do you think she'll show up?"
"Honestly, I don't even know."
"Do you want her to?"
"God, what is it with the twenty-one questions?"
Lydia sat back in the driver's seat, rubbing her swollen belly and didn't say another word...for about three seconds.
"I only asked you four questions. It's not an inquisition, I'm just concerned."
"Well don't be. It's Beth's 6th birthday, it's a special day and nothing is going to ruin it this time around."
"I hope you're right."
"Me too."
I'd pulled Beth out of school a week early just so that we could celebrate her birthday in Texas like she wanted to.
And I'd invited Santana and her parents just like Beth had asked me to and now, I was about to return to the very place that I never wanted to see again.
Because Beth asked me to.
At some point, I've got to stop spoiling this kid; I know it to be true, but God knows, it's so very hard.
When I got to the gazebo, thankfully a different one than last year, there sat Santana. My mouth went dry at the sight of her.
God, how I'd missed her.
Her hair was up in a bun, showing off those ears that I've never been able to get enough of, looking healthy and happy as she chatted with her parents.
It was a welcome change.
Her parents were having an animated conversation with her and Rachel, who looked so fucking happy to be invited, and while we still had a weird relationship, I was happy she'd come.
Rachel had nudged Santana, who looked up at me and stood up, giving me a beautiful smile.
And I swooned.
God, give me strength.
The moment that Beth saw Santana, she went flying by me and straight to her.
And I was happy to see that the excitement was mutual.
"Mama, look, she's actually HERE!" Beth squealed as she ran towards me, grabbed my hand and pulled me towards whence she came.
Santana was grinning as she looked down at Beth, but when our eyes finally met, her smile faltered. Instead of a grin, I got a soft smile...one that I like to think is one she reserves just for me.
"Hey, Q."
"Hey."
"Thanks for inviting me." She said as Beth practically hung onto her leg. "What ride do you want to get on first, kiddo?" Beth looked up at her and thought for a second...and just like in a nightmare, she smiled and pointed to the ride that was in the distance, over my shoulder.
"The Ferris Wheel."
I swallowed back the birthday waffles that wanted to make a reappearance and nodded.
"Then the Ferris Wheel it is...do you think anyone else wants to go?" I asked Santana...trying like hell to be strong, but she knew better.
Santana's eyes were large, and she immediately called over her shoulder.
"Mami, Papi...Beth wants to go on the Ferris Wheel, want to come?"
If I weren't freaking out inside, it would be almost comical to see both her parents, Rachel and Lydia all get up from where they were sitting and walk towards us.
And I've never been more grateful in my life.
SANTANA'S POV
"But I will hold on hope, And I won't let you choke on the noose around your neck."
Beth was talking a mile a minute to Rachel as we walked to the giant yellow wheel.
Quinn was at my side, looking like she was in a funeral march, and I fought the urge to wrap my arm around her in comfort.
That wasn't my job anymore...I wasn't supposed to be the one holding her together.
Even still, I reached out my hand and took hers in mine...pulling it until it was in the pocket of my sleeveless hoodie.
It was a flashback moment to Thanksgiving, and I could see the recognition in her eyes.
"Thank you." She said, her voice coming out breathy and distant.
"I'm here with you. I won't let anything happen." I said, taking advantage of Beth talking to Lydia. "She's not here."
"How do you know?" She said, this time sounding squeaky and on the very edge of panic.
"Because her mother is on her death bed. She hasn't left the hospital in days...and Sue is there...she won't let her leave Lima without telling me."
"You made sure of that?"
"I did. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, even me, you have my word, Reina."
Quinn looked at me for a split second...looking so small and fragile...but then, just like I've always known her to do, she stiffened up her face and swallowed back the panic.
She could do this.
She WOULD do this.
"Car number 7. Make sure that's the one we get." She told the attendant, and while he looked at her weirdly, he nodded and asked us to step to the side to let the people behind us through.
It only took about five minutes before car 7 arrived.
She sucked in a breath and then looked back at Beth.
"Are you ready?"
"Yes. Are you?" She asked, the innocence in her question coming off more knowledgeable than I could have ever imagined.
"Yes." She said, taking Beth's hand and walking straight into the car that had hosted her first violation at the hands of my soon-to-be ex-wife.
Papi put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked up into his worried eyes, knowing that he was very concerned.
"It's going to be alright, Papi...she needs this."
"Okay...I'll wait right here while you go up."
"Okay. What about you, Rachel?" I asked and she looked towards Quinn and then back at me.
"No, I think she needs you for this. I'm going to get your dad to buy us funnel cake."
"Are you sure?"
"Mi'ja, stop worrying, her therapist is right here." Mami said, pushing me towards the car.
Quinn had left the seat on her right side open, and when I stepped into the car, she patted the hard plastic.
It felt good to have her need me.
Like even after I lied to her, she still saw the good in me.
She still SAW me.
Quinn held my hand in a death grip for the entire ascent into the sky while my parents kept Beth's attention on everything but her mother.
It didn't take long for Quinn's head to be on my shoulder as our bodies sat side by side, practically molded together.
"I'm happy that I invited you." She whispered to me as we reached the top. "I'm happy you're here."
"Me too, Q."
Lydia was smiling at us and texting wildly as she sat across from me, happy that she was allowed on a ride and that I was finally stepping up.
And when our eyes met, she stared at me for a long time before nodding in approval...or what I hoped was approval.
In hindsight, the ride couldn't have lasted more than ten minutes tops, but in that time, Brittany had managed to completely wreck Quinn...and for what?
These past few months, with the Cancer whittling Whitney away to nothing but skin and bones, I've resisted pushing the divorce, but after that ride with Quinn shaking like a leaf...
There's no doubt in my mind.
The divorce needs to happen.
As soon as possible, and maybe then, Quinn will want me back.
Maybe then, I can actually leave the dark cave that I have been trapped in for way too long.
Because she's worth it.