All These Things I've Done (The Killers)
SANTANA'S POV
...A MONTH AFTER THE MOST EPIC BALLAD WAS RECORDED...
...JUST PRIOR TO STEPPING OUT OF THE BUILDING...
"So tell me, Santana, how is it that you walked out of here in May with your tail tucked between your legs talking about people more deserving than you and then show up here on August 1st, with this amazing cover song?"
"I did some soul searching and I've come to realize that for most of my life I've felt undeserving of happiness. I've always needed validation or permission to be myself and I got tired. I needed to prove to myself that I'm good enough."
"Well, thank goodness for that because that song is amazing. I never thought a rock song like that could become a power ballad and the track was beautifully put together."
"Thank you...I had some help, but I did all the final mastering."
"Does this mean you're coming back?"
I couldn't contain my smile.
"Yeah, I am."
Carla grinned from ear to ear, ran around the desk, and prompted me out of my chair so that she could hug me.
And hug me, she did.
"I'm so excited to get you back in that studio, you are amazing, Santana. Don't you EVER doubt that again."
"I'll try not to."
She pulled away but held onto my arms, looking into my eyes...her face getting serious for a moment.
"And you're clean?"
"Yes...rehab was a big part of being able to come back here."
"Rehab?" She said, looking excited once more.
"28 days, it was intense and invasive, but it really helped me straighten some shit out."
"I could hear that in this song. You really put your heart into it."
"And tears. It's been a tough few years, and I think I've just been scraping by, never really healing from the bad shit."
"I'm glad to see you're on your way to getting better."
"Whatever reasons are driving you, don't lose them. You need a sponsor or just need someone to be there for you, call me. I will go to any meeting, anytime, anywhere."
"Thanks...I'm going to hold you to that."
"Good. Now...go enjoy the rest of your summer, and I will see you here in two weeks."
"Thanks for everything, Carla."
"Oh no, thank you...Santana, you have no idea how much I needed that cover. I'm taking it home and playing it for my husband."
"Seriously? Your husband, the DJ?"
"Seriously, my husband the DJ and he is going to LOVE it."
I stepped outside the building, not caring that LA was three hours behind.
"So?" Mercedes asked...sounding more awake than I had expected.
"She loved it and she's going to play it for her husband who is a famous Philly DJ."
"I knew it! Praise, Girl, you SANG on that song. I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you, Cedes, I wouldn't have been able to do it without your help."
"I gave you notes but don't give your credit away."
"I know, I can't wait to call Sam and give him the news. He's going to be so excited."
"Oh don't bother, he's sleeping right next to me..."
"What? It's like that?"
"No, he respects my vow to wait...but that doesn't mean I don't get to sleep next to him all night."
"Get it girl."
"Oh I will...once he puts a ring on it, okay?!"
"Oh okay, preach!"
We burst into peals of laughter as I made my way to a cart, starving because I was too nervous to eat anything before meeting with Carla when I heard my name yelled from down the sidewalk.
"SANTANA?!"
"I have been sober for 45 days."
Of all the words in the TWO languages that I speak, why the fuck were those the first ones that I said to Q?
God only knows.
She blushed and then placed her cool palm against my bare arm, sending fire burning throughout my body.
"That's amazing. Congratulations."
"Thank you...I...that wasn't supposed to be the first thing I said to you, I had this whole plan...but seeing you today..." She shot her friend a glare and then smiled softly at me.
"How about a do over?"
"Do over?" My mind immediately went to fixing our relationship and starting again, but I, at least, knew better than to speak those words out loud.
"Come over for lunch...maybe then we can have a better chance to catch up?"
"That's...I'd love that, Q."
"Great! Do you want to walk back with us, or you know..." Her eyes trailed down my body and back up again, "Or we could take a cab?"
"Actually...I have my car, if you want a ride?"
Her silent friend suddenly remembered that we could see her because she groaned loudly and rubbed her stomach.
"A free ride? My God, YES."
And that's when I noticed that the friend was pregnant...or at least fat in that way that makes you look pregnant, which immediately had me wondering if Quinn had moved on with this "friend".
Because if that is the case, I'm going to have to remember that we are only friends.
Distant friends who had fucked...A LOT.
It wasn't until we were in the car with the "friend" in the back seat and Quinn sitting right next to me that I was reminded of just who this "friend" was.
"So what have you been up to since I last saw you, Santana? Hopefully not punching out any more of Quinn's exes. Right?"
And that's when I remembered.
"You're Quinn's old roommate...Veronica...right?"
"Vanessa and yes! I am."
I glanced at Quinn, who was looking down at her phone with a grin because, of course, she knew what was coming next.
"So you're not my replacement?" I asked, looking at her through the rearview.
"Oh God no...she's pretty and all but I am definitely straight."
"Sure you are." I teased and then felt an irritation that had been building dissipate.
"Trust me, if I chose to sleep with a girl, it wouldn't be with Quinn. You are way more my type than she is...trust me. I love my women of color. I messed with one white guy and ended up pregnant!"
"Hey!" Quinn said, turning back and glaring at Vanessa. "What's wrong with white girls?"
"There you go, must you always make shit about yourself?"
"Fuck you!" Quinn said before turning back around and crossing her arms over her chest, just like Beth.
"Ewww, no thanks and don't go getting offended, Q...you like them with color too. Even your baby daddy has a tan to him." Vanessa teased.
It was rare to see someone come so directly for Quinn's pride...it was...refreshing.
Quinn gave her the finger this time and then turned up the radio, hoping to drown her out.
Having Vanessa in the car made the ride seem anything but tense, thankfully.
Quinn had a lot on her mind and was quiet for most of it.
But then I parked, and she suddenly had a voice again.
"Is this your sobriety chip?" She asked as she picked up a coin off of my console.
"Yeah...it's no big deal. Thirty days is nothing."
"It's something to me and it will be something to Beth."
And just like that...all the ease was sucked out of the car.
"On that note...I'm going to head inside, play nice."
Quinn didn't even wait for Vanessa to close the door before unbuckling herself and making her way into the backseat.
I watched her make short work of hopping over my center console and smoothly sliding into the backseat.
For someone with a bad back, it was impressive to see her maneuver the tight space so easily.
I was not so confident that I could do the same.
So I turned off the car, climbed out, and took the more practical way of getting into the backseat.
Her face said it all when I slid into the backseat next to her.
"What?"
"Wuss." She teased, and it felt so good...so genuine, and I had missed it sorely.
QUINN'S POV
I was trying so hard to keep things between us light, especially after seeing her reaction to my being so proud of her sobriety.
To her, thirty days might not feel like much, but to me and, by extension, Beth, it is absolutely the best thing that she could have done for herself.
"Can I play you something?" She muttered and I just barely heard her because she had her head down and was scrolling through her phone.
"Play me something? You can..." I was feeling a little thrown that she was taking our conversation away from the coin I was holding, but I could roll with it. Hopefully. "Of course."
She let out a sigh and then handed me her coveted phone with her music app up on the screen.
"Hit play when you're ready."
I looked down at the phone and saw a song from one of my favorite bands...if this was what she wanted to play for me...well, she could save the effort because I already knew every word.
"What's this?" I asked and she just gestured to the phone.
"Hit play, Q. Please?"
And so I did.
The song wasn't the same.
It wasn't The Killers...it was her singing a cover.
She'd taken the tempo of the song and turned it completely around.
And my heart was practically trying to beat out of my chest.
I looked over at her and she had her head down, her hair blocking most of her face as she sat there mouthing the words while picking at her cuticles.
Every emotion that she was feeling while she sang was sending tingles up and down my spine.
So much love...so much pain.
I recognized Sam's voice singing the repeating chorus and smiled to myself...and when she sang the last stanza.
"With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on"
I felt the weight of her words and everything she meant as she sang it.
Talk about not letting things between us get heavy. There was no chance of that.
At this point, there was no skirting around our issues with humor...and I was finally okay with that.
When the song ended, I restarted it, turning it low and holding her phone tightly instead of giving it back.
I turned towards her...my one leg folded on the seat, and when my knee touched her thigh, she froze but didn't move her leg, although she looked nervous about my touch.
"That was beautiful...was it for me, Princess?" That name slipped out, and she took a deep breath before nodding. She was being so weird, and I didn't know how to play this, so I asked her something else. "Was that Sam that I heard?"
"Yeah."
My hand still clutched her phone, but she didn't seem too concerned with getting it back as she looked at my knee that was touching her and then over my thighs and up my body until she was looking into my face.
She smiled at me and then lifted her hand to my cheek, using her thumb to rub away the few tears that had escaped.
"You can keep the coin."
"Coin?" I said...completely disoriented by her hand that was still cupping my face.
"My sobriety coin, thingy. It's from my second NA meeting out of rehab. Mami got it for me."
"Are you sure you want me to have it?"
"Definitely. I went to rehab because you helped me see what I was becoming. So I owe you at least that."
My stomach was in knots as I clutched the coin in my hand, knowing that for her, it wasn't about the days meaning nothing but that this chip was something she felt she owed me.
I opened my hand, and the gold coin shined up at me.
The name of her rehab center was engraved on the back of it.
"Did you go all the way to Cleveland?"
"The main center is in Cleveland, but it's for longer stays, since I only did 28 days, I ended up at their center in Columbus Grove."
"I didn't know that you were even in rehab, and I talk to your parents once a week. Nobody told me." I said as I turned the coin over between my fingers.
"Good...I didn't want you to know. I begged my parents and everyone else that I thought might tell you where I was, not to tell you...even..." She looked away from me and dropped her hand from my face...leaving a warmth behind.
"Even?"
"Your mother."
"What?" I said, feeling thrown off. It had been ages since I had talked to my mother since I found out she's been screwing Russell again and telling him my business. For all I knew, Mother knew nothing about my life or Santana's, and so this was news to me.
"Well...she was there. She saw me and I was afraid she'd run right back to you. It's not like I sought her out." Santana shrugged.
"She's back in rehab?" I shrieked, and Santana scrunched up her face in confusion before shaking her head.
"No, not technically. She went there at some point in the past but now she comes back to help do the church service with her boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?"
She brushed her fingers through her hair and blew out a breath.
"Okay, you obviously need to call Judy. I can't give you whatever answer you need in regard to her. What I need to talk about is us."
"Us?"
"Are you suddenly a parrot? I feel like I'm talking to Rachel!" She snapped, and there she was...my friend...my fellow bitch.
Maybe that was what I needed.
She was being all demure, and unknowingly, she was annoying me and well...I was apparently returning the favor.
SANTANA'S POV
I had been trying to keep my cool because this wasn't a part of the plan that I had created in rehab.
The song and the coin were a part of it, but seeing her today and talking to her in this hot car was not.
Dinner and dancing...a movie...even a walk in the park would have been easier than this.
I felt like I was in my fucking tomb, and the Yale graduate next to me was playing dumb.
I was frustrated, but she didn't seem to be thrown off by my outburst...in fact, she seemed to be happy about it.
"How about we get out of this car and go inside...we could catch up?" She said...a certain look in her eye that I did NOT want to address because sex was definitely off of the table for a very long time.
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because I will want to have sex with you."
"So?" She said, suddenly okay with me fucking her even though she barely spoke to me for almost four months.
The truth was, I was nervous about being completely honest with her about everything I had been through since that night, but if anyone understood the commitment that I had made during my recovery, it would be Quinn.
I had to believe that.
"Two years, Q. I'm abstaining from sex for two years, until I am sure that I can be clean and take care of me. I moved way too fast in the last few years and ended up hurting a lot of people but mainly...Britt...myself...and you."
Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head as my words hit her. You'd think she was a horny teenager with the way she reacted.
"That's...wow. When did you decide this?"
"In rehab mostly but also after talking to my mom. You know she loves you but I'm her daughter and...things got bad, Q. Bad enough for me to steal my father's prescription pad...I was taking everything and anything, I've traded sex and favors for coke. Not only is that bad for Beth but it's bad for you. I want you. SO BAD and while I can understand your needs not just sexually but emotionally, I was hoping that you could wait for me?"
"That's...wow...a lot to ask, San."
I knew it was, and I wanted to say that she could go off and start her life with someone else, but I couldn't let her go that easily.
She had to know that I wanted to be with her and her only.
And so I went for it...even if...it was contradictory to what I just said.
My hands found themselves in her hair, twining through the silky strands by memory as I fused my lips with hers.
I was afraid that if I made the move, she wouldn't reciprocate, but thankfully, I had nothing to worry about.
My nails scratched lightly at her scalp as I deepened the kiss, missing this feeling...missing everything about her and just from the way that her hands were now clinging to my shirt, I could tell that she felt the same way...
Also, the moaning tipped me off.
I felt wetness on my face, and for a split second, I thought I had fucked it up and I was bleeding, but the days of cocaine nosebleeds were mostly behind me.
She pulled back first and looked at me, shell-shocked and flushed. I kissed her lips lightly and smiled at her.
"I still want to be your Princess. I still want to date you, Q. I just need you to be patient with me, can you do that?"
The tears were my own, and I couldn't bring myself to wipe them away...in fact, the tears that followed them came as I looked into her eyes.
My hands rested on her shoulders now, and her hands...well...they were sitting on my bare thighs...my short skirt having risen to my waist in all of our shuffling.
She looked down and smirked before looking back at my face.
"I'm not going anywhere, Princess, but just know that if you plan to keep kissing me like that...two years is going to seem like an eternity for the both of us."
I chuckled...letting all of the heaviness and worry roll off of me.
"I thought you liked teasing, Reina." I grinned, and she groaned.
"Not fair! You know I need your body under me…how will I survive?"
"On kisses." I kissed her lips. "Touches." I said, caressing her face. "And honesty. I love you, Lucy Quinn Fabray. I love you in the morning, in the afternoon, and I love you in the evening, and underneath the moon." I sang to her, and she grinned.
"That's yours and Beth's song." She whispered.
"I miss her, so much of getting clean was for her. So that I could be the best person for her."
"Yeah?"
"Yes."
"She's going to be so proud of you."
"I hope so. I don't ever want to let that kid down again."
"And you won't. I think this was your wakeup call, and you won't let anything get between you two again."
"How do you still have so much faith in me, Q?"
"Because you're my person, S. You always have faith in me, and I always have faith in you. That's the deal."
"I'm stuck with you?"
"Yup."
"You know what, Q?"
"What?"
"There's no place, I'd rather be."
QUINN'S POV
"Where have you been all my life, Santana?" Vanessa moaned as she ate voraciously.
We'd gone into the house, and Vanessa had all the cabinets wide open while she searched for food, and Santana announced that she was treating us to lunch at Beth's favorite place on Earth.
I don't think I've seen V move so fast in all the years I've known her.
"Keep it down, V, people are staring." I said as she moaned again.
"Let her be, Q, she's eating for two."
"Yeah, Q, I'm eating for two!" Vanessa parroted back.
Santana was grinning at me and looking so fucking gorgeous while she did.
I was already grumpy about the no-sex rule, and she knew it, but who could blame me? She was just that good in bed.
"Fix your face, Q, or it will get stuck like that." Vanessa said before stealing a strip of bacon from my plate.
"Bitch." I growled.
"I'm feeding your kid here, don't you want it to like bacon as much as you do?"
Santana's jaw dropped as she looked from Vanessa to me and then back at Vanessa.
"What did you just say, Prego?"
Vanessa was grinning now. "I got knocked up by that mcfuckerson that punched you in the mouth, and I was going to nix the kid, but Quinn has decided to adopt it."
Now Santana was staring me down, "Does Beth know?"
I shook my head. "Not yet. I plan to tell her when she gets home. She wants a sibling, I always wanted a big family, and this happened at the right time."
"Speak for yourself." Vanessa muttered.
"Does Biff know?" Santana pushed her plate away, looking a bit nauseous.
"Vanessa said he didn't want anything to do with it, gave her cash to get rid of it and that was that."
"Okay, but one of you is going to have to tell him. You can't give a kid up for adoption without him signing over his rights unless you want him showing up in a few years and dragging you through court."
"I didn't think about that." I muttered.
"Q, are you sure about this?"
"I am. I'm excited actually. This isn't a dealbreaker for you, is it?" I felt my heart sink a bit, but she shook her head.
"No. I'll help you however I can. If I want forever with you, there's nothing that's going to deter me from that goal. I don't care if you become the next Angelina Jolie, I'm still in this with you."
"Wow, Q, marry her."
"In due time." Santana winked at me, then pointed across the room, "Here comes the waiter, Vanessa, you should probably order more bacon so that Quinn doesn't kill you once that baby is born."
Vanessa's eyes got wide as she looked at me. I raised my eyebrow, and she nodded, waving down the waiter.
"Say less."
When we got home, Vanessa talked Santana into a movie night before going to take a nap. Excited for some PG fun, Santana gladly agreed.
Once it was just the two of us in my room, alone, I began to strip out of my clothes, and she watched hungrily.
"What are you doing?"
"Taking a shower, I went from the walk to lunch, I feel gross."
"Oh."
"I'd ask you to join me, but I don't want to tempt you."
"That's smart…do you think you could do me a favor before you go?"
"What's that?"
"Can you call Beth from your tablet, and surprise her with me?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, that way I can talk to her while you shower."
I nodded, pulling on my robe before opening my tablet and calling Beth.
It took a moment but when Beth answered, with a big smile and a tooth missing, I froze.
"Did you lose a tooth?"
"I got a window, Mama Q!"
"Oh Sweets, that's amazing."
"I wish I could show Santana." She said, sounding sad.
"Guess what, Sweets?"
"What?"
"Your wish is my command." I turned the tablet around, and she squealed as Santana grinned at her.
"Hey kiddo, let me see that window."
I left them there, giggling and gossiping like two best friends, happy that my world was finally coming back into focus.
After rubbing out my frustrations in the shower, I returned to my room, surprised to see Santana and Beth still talking.
"Oh, your mom is back, should I ask her?"
"Yes!"
I went into my closet and quickly changed into my pajamas before coming back out to see what the two big kids wanted.
"So, Q," Santana said, and I nodded. "Beth was wondering if I could sleepover when she gets home, and I told her she it was up to you."
Santana turned the screen so that I could see Beth, and they both pouted at me.
"Seriously!"
"Please?"
"Yes, that's fine."
"Yay!" They both yelled.
"Okay, kiddo, I need to pay some attention to Mama Q, she's grumpy. Want to say bye to her?"
"Yes!"
I smiled at my little girl, and she was wiping away tears. "You okay, Sweets?"
"I missed her."
"Me too."
"Did she fix it?"
"I think so, Sweets."
"Did she say sorry?"
"Yes."
"Good. Make sure she doesn't break anything else before I get back, okay?"
"I'll do my best."
"Good. Okay, I love you, bye!"
"Bye, Sweets. I love you too."
When I put down my tablet, Santana was standing on the side of the bed, rubbing lotion between her hands and staring at me.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Take those off, let me rub you down."
"San, it's okay, I don't want to tempt you."
"You won't."
I nodded and pulled my pajamas off, standing in front of her in nothing but my underwear.
"I'll leave these on."
"That's fine, lay down."
I pressed a kiss to her lips before laying on my stomach, excited to have her touch me again.
In the past, she'd straddle my legs, but this time, she knelt beside me as she worked her fingers over my back.
"What made you do this?"
"I need to tell you some things, and I'd rather you be relaxed while I talk. I can already feel you tensing, please know that everything I'm about to say has already happened. I've talked about all of it ad nauseum in therapy and at rehab."
"Then why are you telling me?"
Her hands stopped, and she leaned in close so I could see her face.
"You told me you needed a helpmeet. I prayed a lot in rehab, I also learned a lot about what it means to be a partner, and a spouse. You may not like to hear what I'm going to say but if we have a shot at a real future, I have to be honest."
"Okay."
Once she was sure that I wasn't going to freak out, she began rubbing my back again.
"So, first of all, I'm sorry about pushing you away after Christmas. We had a great holiday, I don't think I've ever been that happy in my life. I was so damaged from my marriage, and it was hard to spend what should have been my first married Christmas, with anyone other than B. I didn't realize it then, but now, I get it."
"Shit. I'm sorry." I muttered.
"No, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you were there, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. If you hadn't been there, I would have been in a dark place. So thank you, I think talking to B that night brought up some feelings I didn't know I had. That's not on you."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
"Okay. I forgive you."
"Thank you."
"After the amazing time we had together during New Year's, it took me about a week into school to use drugs again, it started with weed, but it wasn't long before I was having little tastes of whatever I could get my hands on."
Her hands stilled when I gasped. "Why didn't you come to me?"
"I didn't want you to look at me different. I wanted Beth to keep seeing me as this awesome person. I got greedy, and sneaky."
"Wow."
"Papi realized pretty quickly, that I was tearing through my money because once I cleared out my own account, I started touching the joint account."
"What did you tell him?"
"I lied at first, told him that you needed it or that I had school fees, but then he told Mami, and I can't really lie to her."
"Other than your tattoos." I teased.
"Oh she knows about those, she told me that she's always known and appreciated that I did them in a tasteful way."
"That was nice of her."
"Yeah, about that, the way she was during spring break, I need you to know that she's usually better than that. I can count on one hand the number of times she's been that cold with me. We had many conversations about that after rehab, she was cold with me when I admitted to needing help and Papi snapped at her. She's been better since then."
"Oh good. I lost a little respect for her that day."
"I'm sure you did. It wasn't her finest moment."
"What else? I feel like you're holding back the heavy stuff."
"You're right. Okay, Britt and I spent about six weeks in couple's therapy as a final condition of our divorce. I came to terms with the parts that I played in our downfall, and she came to terms with her abuse."
"Shit."
"I gave her a payout from my trust, with Papi's signoff. We aren't friends, but we are cordial."
"Oh, I don't know how to feel about that."
"Don't worry, she's not going to be at any family dinners or anything, but after she heard about my drug use and how bad I got, she became the Brittany I fell in love with. She was kind, and apologized a lot. It's actually where I learned how to be better in my relationship with you. Even though it didn't save my relationship with her, I'm glad we did therapy. That being said, I still filed for divorce and it's final."
"Wait, you're actually divorced now?"
"I am."
"Congratulations, Princess."
"Thanks. It was a long time coming. I feel so relieved."
"Me too."
"Back to April, um, I was high when I came here that night. I needed so much help and I should have gone to my parents, or a crisis center instead of coming to you."
"Was it that bad?"
"I slept with a dude to get those drugs, I got an STI, it's cured now but I was sick for a bit."
"Oh God, Santana, why did you come to me that night?"
"It was either go to you, or kill myself."
"Stop." I said, turning over, and she sat down with her eyes huge and her walls down. I took her hands in mine and gave her my full attention. "Talk to me. I don't want to run from this."
"Thank you." She leaned forward and kissed my lips. I kissed her back until she pulled away with a smile on her face.
"Tell me what happened after you left."
She nodded and then looked me in my eyes.
"I left your place, and went to a meeting. I tried to get my shit together, I leaned on Rachel, and my parents. I sent you flowers, I tried to get you to forgive me, but I hadn't actually done the work to be forgiven. I'm sorry for being less than my best. I promise you that I'm working on it. I have goals, I have intentions, and I promise you, that I'm going to be worthy of you and Beth, and this new kid."
"You mean that?"
"I do."
"I'm proud of you." I said, and then pulled her into a tight hug. Then I realized how naked I was and started laughing. "Sorry I'm putting my boobs on you."
She rolled her eyes, "Lay back down, sugar tits. Now that I told you the big stuff, update me on your plans for this new kid."
We fell back into an easy groove. My head was swimming with images of everything she'd done, and I knew that I needed to push past my need for sex and respect how far she'd come.
She'd been through hell and still came back to me; I didn't take that lightly.