Our Love Comes Back (James Blake)

END OF NOVEMBER

Middle of the Night

QUINN'S POV

I fell asleep with her in my arms after she'd talked me through a mind-blowing orgasm, fully expecting myself to wake up with a changed mind.

It's what I do. My first instinct is to self-sabotage.

But it's also hers.

I may be a genius slapper, but Santana has an uncanny knack for beating me to the punch.

Before I got Beth back, I slept like the dead; nothing could wake me up easily, but being a light sleeper has been one of the biggest changes in my life.

It's for that reason that her hushed whispers, behind a closed door, were enough to rouse me from my blissful sleep.

My first thought was to check my phone, but I wasn't sure where I left it.

I felt the bed for her, even though I already knew that I was alone.

My brain was still trying to figure out if I was dreaming or awake, and when I stumbled from the bed in the unfamiliar room, immediately banging my hip into the bed frame, the pain was enough to let me know that I was definitely not dreaming.

Her voice was always like a low hum when she whispered, it was melodic and enough to make me go searching for her.

At first, I thought she was in the bathroom or maybe the hallway, but then I remembered that we were at Maribel's house and that Santana inherited her bedroom from Anthony.

Before she was born, Antonio built a sun porch off of the bedroom with a staircase and ramp to the backyard.

Stepping into that space, with its glass windows and walls, was always an experience.

Santana used to paint the glass different colors and use it as a hookup space. It was an indoor treehouse with piles of books and music sheets, along with mounds of clothes.

It had the potential to be an amazing library or solarium if you were into plants, but because it made her think of her ghost of a brother, she never embraced its potential.

When she moved out, Maribel had cleared it out, leaving only a sofa bed and dresser.

When I walked into that little nook behind Santana's closet, the last thing I expected was to see her sitting on the sofa bed with the last person I ever wanted to see again.

My first instinct was to lash out, but instead, I stayed just out of view, grateful that the sofa faced away from the doorway that I was hiding in.

"So you're really going to give this a shot?" San asked her, and up until that moment, I realized I hadn't heard a conversation between her and Brittany in ages.

"I am. Losing Mom was a turning point. My dad wants to do ridiculous things with the money from Mom's insurance policy, but I convinced him that there were other things we could do."

"Was this what you had in mind?"

"No, but you know what Quinn always said about things coming right when you need them?"

"Yeah."

"M.I.T. calling me after I solved all those equations, and then had a perfect score on my entrance exams, came right on time."

"How's Court feel about moving away from Lima?"

"She's the smartest kid in the world, and I'm taking her to a town where everyone is smart, so she's excited."

"And Pierce?"

"Is pissed off. I offered to adopt her. It's not like I'm a teenager, but I still have a brain injury. I still use a stupid wheelchair."

"For now."

"Yeah, for now...so he says I can't adopt her. Truthfully, Court doesn't want me to."

"Really?"

Britt turned towards San and let out a dry chuckle that threw my brain back to the Ferris Wheel, and my stomach turned.

"Me and my parents managed to keep all the bad shit I did to Quinn away from Courtney, right up until Quinn ruined that by telling her."

"Oh shit, I didn't realize she did that."

"I'm not surprised she kept that bit of information to herself. So, now, my baby sister sees me as a monster. Maybe I am one, or maybe I was. I can't even imagine hurting anyone the way I hurt Quinn."

"Good."

"I made so many mistakes, and that rubbed off on you both."

"What do you mean?"

"What you two are doing is so dumb, Santana. Why are you fighting over how you're going to be together or when?"

"We aren't fighting."

"You love her more than me. That's what you said."

"I know."

"Then stop holding a part of yourself back from her. It's dumb. You're both sober. You both have responsibilities and have built a family with Beth. There are people on the sidelines, like Puck and me, who would trade the moon and stars to get back with you, and here you two are, being idiots."

"Okay, that's rude." San chuckled, and I knew that however rude Britt's words were, Santana agreed.

"You almost died, and she was right by your side. She never made you jump through hoops of fire like I did. All she ever wants is you, however you are. She wants to protect Beth from the bad things in the world, even when it means protecting her from you. That's it, take it from me, don't do bad things, and your world won't blow up like mine. If you want to be celibate, then be celibate from other people. Don't trade sex for drugs or anything else. I bet you would have never cut me off from sex like this."

"That's not true."

"Be real, Santana, you could never say no to me. She gets to have you because I allow it. Say what you want, but you made vows before God to me. If you aren't with her, then you might as well come back to me."

"Gross."

"Now, who's being rude? Just face it, you're holding back because you miss me. That's the only thing that makes sense. Why else would you hold back from her, of all people. You tossed our marriage in the garbage just for the chance to be with her. Why are you wasting time?"

"Maybe you're right."

"M.I.T. confirmed what you always told me: I am a genius. So, of course, I'm right."

"I'm going to fix it, B."

"Good. If you can't be with me, then I'd rather you be with Quinn. Just don't let her break your heart."

"She won't."

"Right. If you say so."

I'd heard enough. I didn't want to hear another thing that would make me go running to my mother's house. I climbed back in bed with the fear that even if I got on the right track with Santana, I'd never fully be secure again, not if they were going to be friends now.

Brittany raped me. She'd violated my mind, my body, and my home.

It was still impossible for me to stay in my mother's house alone, even though I was pretty fucking sure that Britt wouldn't hurt me again; the damage had already been done.

At first, I was going to close my eyes and count back from a million until I fell asleep, but the images of the Ferris Wheel, of the gun to my head, and the damaged way Santana looked after everything made my body shake with sobs.

I muffled my cries in the pillows, trying my best to get through it alone.

But it wasn't long before her warm arms were wrapped securely around me, and she was murmuring all the assurances I needed.

"I'm here. She won't hurt you. I love you. You're safe. I'm here. Let it out, my love. I've got you."

As my tears slowed, her lips pressed to my face over and over. "I miss her, the old her." I mumbled.

"She misses you too."

"I hate her."

"I know."

"She hurt me. We can't be a trinity anymore."

"I know, Q, and I'll never let her hurt you again. The trinity is over. It's just me and you. I promise you."

"Thank you."

"She's moving far away. They are leaving on the 1st. You are safe, my love."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"I love you, Santana."

"I love you too. Forever and a day."

I'd been drifting to sleep when she rolled me onto my back and straddled my waist.

Back when my trauma was fresh, her doing that would have been enough to send me on a spiral, but my body knew that I was safe.

She cupped my face and kissed my lips, "Can I make love to you, Q?"

A few days before, that would have been music to my ears, but I was still fresh off of Brittany essentially giving her permission to let go of her celibacy vow, and I wasn't okay with that.

"Only if you can promise me that you're doing this because you want to and not because you were told to."

I waited for her to snap at me or act defeated. Instead, she slid off of me and knelt beside me. "You're right. So you know what, I'm open to you Q. When you're ready, I'll be waiting."

"It's cute how you think that me topping you and giving you amazing orgasms will somehow justify your willingness to break your vow the moment she allowed you to." I said and threw a pillow at her.

It could have been a heavy moment, but instead, she rolled her eyes and collapsed next to me, throwing her leg over mine and cuddling against me.

"I hate that you can read me better than anyone on this planet."

"No, you don't. I hold you accountable, just like I expect you to do if I ever try some shit like that."

"Famous last words, Q ball."

I scrunched up my nose. "I hate that nickname."

"You'll survive."

"How about tomorrow, you and I go Christmas shopping?" I asked her, and she grinned.

"I'd love that."

"Good, and then we are going to invite everyone over to Antonio's and have another movie sing-along." I said, and her eyes got wide.

"You hate sing-along movies, Q."

"But you and Beth love them, and I love watching the two of you together. Beth gets competitive, even though we all know you let her win."

"Well, she's going to be disappointed because Rachel is in town, and we both know that Rachel Berry isn't going to let anyone win, not even Beth."

"Good, my little Sweets could stand to learn some humility."

"Rude. My little Kiddo is perfection. Don't you go pushing that puritanical Fabray nonsense on her. I'm working hard to make her into a badass; don't undo my hard work."

"Oh, is that what you're doing?"

"Yup. I want our daughter to know if someone tries to assault her, that she has our full support to kick their ass."

My heart swelled right then, and I kissed Santana so hard that I knew I had taken her breath away.

But only for a moment.

"I love you."

"I know, but what was that for?"

"You called her our daughter."

"Because she is. Just like you're my fiancée-to-be."

"How do you know I'll say yes?" I teased, and her face got serious.

"I meant what I said yesterday. I'm not proposing anytime soon, but I never said that you couldn't propose to me." She said with a wink before pulling the covers over our bodies. "Now, let's get some sleep before Mami wakes up and finds some late-night chores for us."

"She wouldn't, would she?"

"It's how I learned to go to bed on time as a kid. Every time I insisted I wasn't tired, she'd find some chore for me."

"That's cruel and kind of genius. Do you think that would work on Beth?"

"Not a chance. That kid loves to sleep. There's no way she's ever fought you at bedtime."

"Touché."

DECEMBER

SANTANA'S POV

"I still don't understand what happened. Why won't you tell me, Nanita?!" Mami yelled at me as I shoved my clothes into my suitcase.

"Drop it, Mami."

"No!"

"Why not?" I didn't mean to whine, but Mami was driving me insane just three hours after Quinn had left.

Mami moved to my side and gripped my chin, which was the tell-tale sign that I was about to get my ass handed to me, and just like I had been conditioned, I sat down.

It's what Papi had taught me to do the moment I was eye to eye with Mami.

He'd caution that if she felt threatened by my size, she was likely to lash out physically. It was her reflex when she felt cornered.

Halfway through my 20s, it shouldn't be something I have to do, not like when I was towering over Mami at 12.

But she wasn't the only one with rage, which is why I always submitted because I knew that if I EVER raised a hand to my mother, it would be the last thing I did with that hand, Papi would make sure of it.

"Don't think that just because Papi is at work, I won't tell him if you hit me, Mami." I said, reminding her to be calm.

How was this woman Psychiatrist of the Year?

I guess I was exempt from her patience.

"Don't think I won't slap you for talking to me like you are my equal, Santana. I am your mother until the day I die!"

"I know. Lo siento."

"Now." She said, taking a deep breath and stepping back from me. Good. "Tell me why you and Quinn aren't speaking."

"We're speaking."

I could see the irritation rising just that fast.

"I'll amend my statement. The night after Thanksgiving dinner, you two were talking well into the night, giggling, and happy. Same thing the next day, and then I woke up this morning to her knocking on my bedroom door with tears in her eyes, apologizing for not staying, but she had to go."

"And that makes you think I did something?"

"Did you?"

I shrugged and then flinched when she raised her hand.

Where was Papi when I needed him?

"It wasn't my fault." I admitted.

"What did you do?"

"The Pierce's left Lima this morning."

"I'm aware."

I felt a headache pulsing just behind my eyes from fighting back tears.

"Britt came by before they left and asked me to meet her downstairs."

"And you went?"

"I did because a few nights ago, we sat in my room for hours, and nothing happened, I got lax. I knew that B was about to leave because she had to be in Boston by tomorrow night. She has a schedule, so no big deal, right?"

"Where was Quinn?"

"Asleep. I went out to the curb and said goodbye to Pierce and Courtney. They were in the moving truck. Then, right before she left, Britt pulled me into her lap and kissed me."

"A girl in a wheelchair overpowered you?"

"She's stronger than me, Mami."

"So Quinn saw?"

"I didn't know at first. I slapped Britt for doing that, told her that it wasn't cool, and she laughed it off, then slapped my ass as I was walking away from her."

"Santana!"

"I came inside, and Quinn was awake, talking to Judy on the phone about needing to get back to Philly."

"Okay…and you waited for her to hang up and told her the truth?"

I sighed. "No."

Mami looked like she wanted to rip my head off. "No?"

"I thought she was packing so we could go stay with Papi like we agreed, three days here and three days there. So I got my suitcase, and she looked at me with a beautiful smile. I told her that I loved her."

"And?"

"She asked me point blank if I was going to tell her about making out with Britt. I told her it wasn't a big deal, that it was just a kiss, something I'd done a million times before with B."

"Her rapist." Mami added, and I sighed.

"Fuck, I know."

"Language."

"I apologized. I told her I slapped B. That I didn't ask her to kiss me. I told…I told…fuck." I could feel my chest closing up, and Mami was on the move, grabbing my inhaler and shoving it between my lips.

While I got my breath back, she continued to lecture me.

"You need to make it right."

"How?"

"I wish I knew."

"Gee, thanks." I muttered once I could breathe again.

"What car did she take?"

"Mine."

"Did you do that out of the kindness of your heart, or was it out of guilt?"

"Both, but I need you to tell Papi that I can't stay another two weeks. I need to go to Philly. I can't leave shit like this. You know Quinn, the longer she sits in her feelings, the worse it will be."

"Maybe that's for the best. I'm pretty sure she's too good for you anyway."

"What?!" Fuck what Papi taught me, I was on my feet towering over Mami, "How can you say that?"

"Sit down."

"No. I need to get the fuck out of here." I snapped at her, snatching my suitcase from in front of her, not realizing how tightly she'd been holding onto it.

And that's when things went from bad to worse.

Papi was going to kill me.

I shifted from foot to foot in the emergency room while I watched a nurse check Mami's vitals after stitching up her cheek.

Papi was just getting out of surgery, so he hadn't seen the giant bruise on my mother's face from when she stumbled and hit her cheek on the edge of my vanity.

She'd blacked out for like 30 seconds and was groggy when she came to, so I forced her into the car and drove her to the hospital.

Thankfully, she remembered that I hadn't actually put a hand on her. She told the nurse how she lost her balance and stumbled.

The nurse kept shooting me glances, so I knew my goose was cooked because if this random woman didn't believe Mami's story, then Papi wasn't going to entertain it for a second.

I heard him before I saw him.

"¡Marí! ¿Dónde está? ¡¿Maribel?! ¡¿Mi vida?!"

When the door opened, I moved well out of Papi's reach before he could get a look at Mami.

"¡Ay, Dios! ¡¿Que te pasa?!"

"I'm fine. ¡Baja la voz!" She hissed at him, and he began fussing over her, reading her chart and asking her questions.

While they were distracted, I slid out of the room and walked straight towards the lobby.

"Santana!" Papi called, but I didn't look back. I just kept walking as the tears overwhelmed me.

I needed to get the fuck out of Lima.

As I walked towards Mami's house, not daring to drive her car back, my phone kept ringing. Papi was livid, but I couldn't answer.

I kept calling Quinn, but she kept forwarding my calls, so I had to resort to drastic measures.

"Hello, Santana." Vanessa answered, sounding crabby.

"Hi. I need to talk to Q."

"She's asleep, and I'm driving."

"What? Why? Where's Rachel?"

"In Lima."

"Oh, thank God!" I wheezed, and the nurse on the phone caught it immediately.

"What are you doing?"

"Walking home."

"Are you cleared to exercise?"

"No. I just…I just needed to get out of there."

"Is that her?" Quinn mumbled.

"Yes. Take the phone, I need to pay attention."

"I don't want to."

"For fuck's sake, Quinn, she sounds like she's going to have another asthma attack, just talk to her."

"Fine."

Then I heard a click, and I knew that they'd get to her first.

"Don't answer that!" I yelled into the phone, but Quinn was already pissed at me. There was no way she was going to listen to me.

She answered the other line, and I held my breath while I waited for her to click back.

But she didn't.

She sent me to voicemail.

Fuck.

My chest ached as I walked up Rachel's front steps. Now that her fathers were divorced, the house was used as a short-term rental since they lived in three different places.

I knew that Rachel was supposed to be cleaning the house to prepare for new renters who were moving in the next week, and I thought when Quinn left that, she would have taken Rachel with her.

After knocking on the door, I dug around in my pockets for my inhaler and found nothing, not just for my inhaler but also for my wallet.

"Fuck."

"Santana? What are you doing here?" Rachel looked flushed and looked like she'd thrown on the first thing she could find.

"Are you hooking up with someone, Ray?" I asked, and then I took a step back when I saw him.

"Hi, Santana!"

I glared at Rachel, "What happened to Jesse?" I hissed, and she raised her eyebrow.

"What happened to Quinn?"

Fuck, she knew. Great.

"I'm going to shower, babe. It was good seeing you again, Santana!" Brody said as he walked up the stairs naked.

"You're too good for him." I muttered as Rachel finally let me into the living room.

"I've said the same about you and Brittany. Want to tell me your side of things?"

"Not really. I feel gross about it." I sat on the edge of the couch and pressed my head between my knees, trying like hell to take a breath.

"Where's your inhaler?"

"Shut up." I snapped, but it came out weak.

"You're slipping, aren't you?"

"Shut up. Shut up. God." I said, finally sitting up to face the one person I had left who would try to see my side of things. "I need her. Why didn't…why…I fucked up. I'm sorry."

Rachel's phone buzzed, and she held up a finger as she walked out of the room.

I rested my head against the couch and closed my eyes, hoping I'd black out.

But I must have pissed God off or something because the couch dipped, and the overwhelming stench of body spray made my chest pinch.

"How about another round? I'm sure I can convince her to join us." Brody said, and I shuffled as far away from him on the couch as I could, but he just moved over until he could rest his arm around my shoulders.

"Back…the fuck…off." I said as I tried my best to cover my face from the noxious fumes coming off his plastic body.

"Brody, get away from her. She had sex with you for drugs when she was using, and now she's trying to be sober and faithful to Quinn."

"You said she made out with Brittany."

"You told…told him?" I glared at Rachel.

"We were mid-coitus when Quinn called."

"Eww."

"Brody, move!" Rachel said, and he sighed.

"Fine! I have to get on the road anyway. I need to be in Chicago before rush hour starts."

"Then you should leave now. Thank you for coming by and taking care of my needs. I'll let you know when I'm back in the city."

"Sure thing."

Brody ruffled my hair and then kissed Rachel's forehead before pulling open the front door.

"Is Santana here?" I heard someone say, and he nodded before stepping outside.

Great.

What now?

QUINN'S POV

"Aren't you glad I convinced you to go for a drive instead of leaving town?" Vanessa said as we parked in Rachel's driveway.

"That depends on what condition she's in. I shouldn't have left her this morning. It seems like she's falling apart."

"She abandoned her mom in the hospital."

"That's not like her V. You saw how she is with her parents."

"You think she found drugs?"

"I don't want to think that. You don't have to wait here for me. If anything, I'll have Rachel bring me back to the house."

"Are you giving me permission to go take a nap?"

"I am insisting that you go take a nap. Puck's mom is going to drop Beth at the house around 6, so you have plenty of time to nap."

"Score."

"Any advice?"

"I have tons. You go in there and communicate better. Stop running scared, you know just as well as I do that if she was going to be with Brittany, she would have stayed with her."

"I know."

"You two just need to get laid. That's really what the problem is."

"I know."

"Do you think her mom is going to ask for her ring back now that Santana hurt her?"

I flinched. Maribel had insisted that I be the one to propose and had given me her first engagement ring to do it.

I'd been thinking Christmas would be a good time, but now, I'm all over the place.

"I don't think she hurt Maribel, not on purpose."

"Only one way to find out."

When I stepped into the house, Rachel was kneeling in front of Santana, who was wheezing into her hands.

I pulled her emergency inhaler from my pocket and nudged her hand.

She looked up at me with glassy eyes and a grin. "My hero."

"Always."

"Can I leave her with you while I get dressed?" Rachel asked, and I nodded.

"Of course."

"Thanks. Something about being found doing my dirty deed makes me feel regretful."

"As it should." Santana said once she had used the inhaler.

Rachel rummaged through a bowl by the door and then handed me her car keys.

"Bring it back later, I think she needs to go home."

"Thanks." I turned to Santana and wasn't surprised that she was standing up, ready to escape the sweaty sex smell that was permeating the room.

Santana went to explain. I knew it was coming, but I held my hand up. "Have you eaten?"

"What?"

"Today, Santana, have you eaten?"

"No."

"Great, let's go have lunch."

"I thought you left."

"I was going to, but I'm glad I stayed. Clearly, you lose your mind without me."

"Obviously."

She didn't say another word as we made our way to Rachel's car.

I handed her the keys, and she looked shocked. "You sure?"

"I hurt my back this morning when I was running down the stairs of your mom's house. Driving will make it worse."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

We settled into the car, and then she backed into the street slowly.

I had never seen her be so cautious.

She was definitely off-kilter.

How close was she to needing a fix?

If I were her, I'd already be crunching on a bottle of pills.

My stomach turned.

Good. The day I start to crave that feeling again, I'm not sure if I'll be able to resist like I used to, not with the way my back seems to spasm more and more.

Hopefully, once we are home and she's in this for real, things will settle again.

"You're driving slow." I said, and she nodded.

"Don't have my wallet. I don't want to tempt fate or the cops."

"Oh. So where are we going? What are you in the mood for, Princess?"

"I need to go to Mami's and clean up my mess there. I need her to come home to a clean house and flowers. I didn't hurt her on purpose. I promise I never touched her, but it is my fault."

"That's what she told me. You snatched your suitcase, and she stumbled."

"Yeah. I broke Papi's rule and stood up while she was mad. If I had just sat down and let her yell at me, this wouldn't have happened."

"What was she yelling about?"

"You."

"Oh." I sighed, knowing before I even asked. "She took my side and blamed you, didn't she?"

"Yes. Then Mami said that you're too good for me. After that, everything got bad because I stood up. Now Papi is going to kill me."

"I think if you hadn't left the hospital, he would have been less angry, but you left."

"What is this day, Q? I feel cursed. Life keeps hurling lemons at me. It's rude."

"It's this town, I think we need to go home."

"Me too."

"Good, I'm glad we've settled on that."

"My dorm is closed until January. I don't have anywhere to stay."

"As crazy as it sounds, I think that maybe you should go stay in the city with Rachel for a bit."

"What? Why?"

"She's obviously having a spiral of her own. Your parents told me that they closed on their new apartment. Maybe as an apology, you can go there and get it ready for them."

I tried to make it sound like a random idea, but Santana is too smart to be manipulated by me most days.

"Who's idea was this really?"

"Antonio's. He thinks you should go spend some time with Carlo, do an outpatient in the city, and be reminded of what you could stand to lose."

We'd been heading towards Maribel's until I said those words, and then Santana turned up the stereo before turning the car towards town.

She was obviously in the mood to drive, so I sat there and sang along to the music while enjoying the flurries that had started coming down.

I was barely surprised when we turned into the cemetery.

She pulled past Anthony's plot, which sat at the bottom of a hill near a small pond. She took a winding road and then stopped in a less full part of the cemetery.

"Do we know someone over here?"

She put the car in park and then unbuckled. "Come on."

I climbed from the car, my back seizing up when the cold hit my body, and waited outside the car.

She came around and took my hand. "Who's here?"

"I can't believe you never came here, even by yourself."

"Princess who…" I started to say when she stopped near a giant willow tree.

"I suggested this spot to Kurt when Carol was looking for the perfect plot since I always called him Jolly Green Giant. This tree is so huge and green when it's nice out. It reminds me of him."

She was right; I hadn't come to Finn's funeral, and I hadn't bothered to visit his grave either.

But now, we stood there hand in hand, staring at the black headstone with his name on it.

Santana crouched down and put her finger on the line between his birth and death dates.

"Puck went on and on about this line being Finn's whole life, every good and bad thing. This is it, 19 years of his life in this little line. If I mess up again, I could lose my chance to make this line the best ever."

"Noah said that?"

"He never told you? Seeing that line is what made him enlist."

She used her mittens to dust off the front of the stone, where an old wreath blocked it.

And there he was, his picture was in a little clear oval.

"I took that picture of him." I whispered.

"Huh?"

"I always told him how handsome he looked when he looked away from the camera, especially when he was looking up. Finn had this grin that always made it seem like he and God were sharing the best secret."

"Yeah, I guess he does look good like that. Maybe because he was always looking down at me, I never noticed."

"I kept making it a point to take pictures because he didn't believe me at first."

"Well, now, a piece of you lives on with his memory."

"He deserved more than 19 years."

"I know, which is why I want to get things right." I wanted to hold her in my arms and erase the last 24 hours, but instead, she stepped close to me, rubbed her hands up my arms, and then kissed my forehead. "You asked for us to stop being a couple until we had a concrete plan."

"Not this again, I took it back."

"And then B kissed me, and for the smallest moment, I kissed her back. It was habit more than anything." My heart sank, but she shrugged it off. "I didn't feel anything, not even a spark. I feel so out of sync with myself, especially after spending nearly a month in the hospital. I want to do things the right way. So, I'm going to fix shit here with my parents, and then we are going back to Philly tomorrow."

I shivered, and she kissed my forehead again. "You can sleep in the bed with me…I was stupid to put my foot down about that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I hate the way these last few days have been. Let's be better than our pettier selves."

"I couldn't agree more, Princess."