Abstract [Psychopomp] (Hozier)

DECEMBER

"Darling, there's a part of me, I'm afraid will always be,

trapped within an abstract from a moment in my life."

QUINN'S POV

When we got back in the car, I asked Santana to drive us to the McKinley parking lot. At first, she hesitated because it was still snowing, but I knew that I needed to have the conversation with her that I always wanted to, and it was best to do it in the last place I thought I'd lost her.

She pulled into the parking lot, and I had her park in that same parking spot that Puck used to love.

The snow had stopped, and the sun was shining as we neared the golden hour.

"Let's walk." I said, and because I went along with her trip to the cemetery, she didn't put up a fuss as we met in the front of the car.

Like always, she had no gloves on as she pulled her sunglasses from her pocket.

I reached for her hand, and she didn't hesitate.

That wasn't really her style. It'd always been mine.

I walked with her through the parking lot until I reached the spot where I'd seen her standing with Brittany, her hands shaking after their reconciliation.

She was so unsure then, but as I held her hand, she rubbed her thumb absently on my skin.

"I wish I had held your hand more in school."

"That would have been weird, don't you think?" I asked.

"Nah, not for us. We were the trendsetters, Q. Within a week, we would have started a fad."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely."

The lightness within her spirit that shone through even after all the bad things was such a welcome feeling.

That's who she'd always been, a stronghold in a storm.

She'd sent herself to rehab, loved my little girl without needing to be asked, and she let me be selfish when I needed to be.

No one had ever shown me the respect and loyalty that she had.

I couldn't be afraid anymore because it made me hesitate, and if I'd learned anything from the luck we'd had the last few months, with missteps and shitty timing, I knew that I couldn't hold back too long.

The world wasn't going to wait for me to be ready.

"The weeds up through concrete, the traffic picking up speed,

all my love and terror balanced there between those eyes."

If it had been warmer out and she hadn't been sick for weeks, I'd have taken her for a walk around the track to relive our glory days, but the parking lot was more than enough.

When I turned and stopped walking, we stood at the entrance of the football field. She shifted her glasses to the top of her head and smirked at me.

"How's your back, My Love?" She was just so naturally sweet.

"It's good. After we leave here, I think we should pick up dinner and go face your parents together."

"Yeah? You'd walk into the fire for me?"

"Always." I said before wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me. I could feel the chill of her skin as I pressed my lips to hers.

When she kissed me back, I knew that this was what it was like when she wanted to be kissed.

I'd seen her pull away from B, and I'd missed the slap, but I saw how annoyed she'd been, and this kiss was nothing like that.

She was mine, and I was hers.

A gust of wind blew, and I knew God was rushing me along.

"Why are we here, Q?" She asked, with a little gravel in her voice. Maybe the school brought her back to the way she'd proposed to Brittany, but for me, it was different.

"I fell in love with you too late. It's how I always was, realizing my feelings too late. You'd even called me on it, but I'm always a little slow to accept the truth."

"I know."

"My hesitance has been a hindrance, but it's also saved my life more than once."

She rolled her eyes, but I didn't let it bother me. I knew she didn't mean it in a bad way.

Her anxiety over what she was walking into once we went back to her Mom's house was taking over, and I wasn't going to let her get stuck in her spiraling thoughts.

"I fell in love with you too soon." She admitted.

"You did?"

"I think if we'd met after you had Beth, or maybe even after high school, things would be different. I was head over heels for you back when you were still Lucy."

I rolled my eyes, "Of course you were."

"I think that's why it was so easy to love Beth because that amazing kid reminds me of the girl I fell in love with in middle school."

"Then I got cold."

"Yeah, I blame the nose job. Whatever that surgeon did turned you into a sociopath for a bit there."

"You liked my pink hair."

"I absolutely did. I think I'd like you no matter what you look like, Q."

"Good to know, Princess. I feel exactly the same. One more kiss?" I asked, and she grinned.

"You can have as many as you want, Luce. I love you, forever and a day."

"The feeling came late, I'm still glad I met you,

The memory hurts but does me no harm,

Your hand in my pocket to keep us both warm."

I'd been twirling that ring in my pocket for close to an hour now, and I was no longer afraid to give it to her.

Marrying Santana Lopez would be the best choice I could ever make, and I knew that deep in my soul.

She was all I wanted, and after Brittany dared to challenge my status in her life, I knew that I couldn't ever let anyone question what we were to each other.

With one last kiss on her lips, I reached my right hand towards her left, and just like I'd done more than once, I pulled her left hand into my coat pocket.

"I wanted to come here to let you know that from the moment I fell in love with you, I've seen myself as your protector, and as we go into the fire at your Mom's house, I want you to know that it will be as one unit. I love you yesterday, today, and forever more."

And without another moment of hesitation, I slipped that ring into her hand.

"Q? What's happening?" She squeaked in a tone I'd never heard her make.

"Will you marry me, Santana?" I said, and without pulling her hand from my pocket, she stepped in my path and wrapped me up in a hug.

"Yes! A million times, yes." She said, and then she slipped her hand from my pocket, opening it.

Your Mom says things to get a rise out of you. She gave me this and told me to give it to you when the time was right."

"She did?"

I nodded and then picked up the ring, waiting for her to turn her hand over. "I love you. I will be your shield, your right hand. I will always be the one to make sure you remember just how amazing you are."

"I already said yes, Luce." She teased, "Put that thing on me already."

She wiggled her fingers, and I slid the ring on like I'd been doing it forever.

"Thank you for saying yes." I said to her, and she rolled her eyes.

"As if there was another option. Blood in, blood out, Q. No takebacks."

"Say less."

"I remember the view, Streetlights in the dark blue,

The moment I knew, I'd no choice but to love you."

SANTANA'S POV

How on Earth did a day that started so shitty turn out to be one of the best ones of my life?

I couldn't stop smiling as I drove towards Breadstix to pick up dinner.

Quinn rubbed her hand on my thigh as she sang along to the stereo, her face shining so beautifully.

My fiancée, my helpmeet, and my love.

I'd been so fucking terrified to go back to Mami's house, but I should have known that Quinn would be in front of any bad things.

When we got there, the house was full of people.

Rachel, Vanessa, Judy, and the best little person in the entire world were all there waiting.

"Did you do it?!" Beth shrieked at Q as we walked inside.

And I wiggled my left hand at her.

"Yay!"

"I missed you, Kiddo."

"I missed you too."

"Have you seen my mom?"

Beth crooked her finger at me, so I leaned closer to her.

She put her fists on her hips and gave me a stern look.

"You told me that when you love someone, you don't leave them hurting."

I dropped my head, "I know."

Then this precious, amazing little girl pushed up my chin so we were eye-to-eye again, "You are really good at fixing your mess-ups."

"Am I?"

"Yes, so go say you're sorry and mean it."

"I will."

"Good." I pulled her into a hug, and she giggled as I kissed her face, blowing a raspberry against her little cheek until she squealed.

"Tata?" I froze when I heard Papi's voice.

"Guess I need to go do what I'm really good at, right?" I whispered to Beth.

"You've got this." Beth kissed my cheek, and then I put her back on her feet before turning to face my father.

"I will not be great, but I'm grateful to get through."

In all my excitement to see Beth, I hadn't realized that Quinn had walked away, but she hadn't gone far.

Papi placed his hand on the back of my head and looked into my eyes, "You scared me today."

And I froze. "I did?"

"You're not fully healthy, Tata, and you walked out into freezing weather in a light jacket while sobbing."

"I wasn't…was I?"

"She's not upset with you. It was an accident."

"Is she okay?"

"Minor concussion. You got her to the hospital right away, and you stayed until I got there."

"Then I ran like a little punk."

"You were in shock, and you got scared. The last time someone you loved was in the hospital, you spent days being yelled at and blamed."

Wait…was I not in trouble?

Had I blown things out of proportion in my mind?

Is that why Quinn had been so calm?

Was everyone just relieved that I had stayed sober?

Talk about a village of accountability.

Thank God I hadn't searched for drugs like I had after Whitney and Pierce drove me to the darkest place in my head.

I'd gone to Rachel; I'd sought safety.

"You're acting like you are proud of me." I said as we walked into the kitchen.

"That's because I am." He said before kissing the top of my head.

Mami was sitting at the table, happily chatting with Quinn.

Without all the blood on her face from her sliced cheek, she looked like nothing happened.

"There she is!" Mami said with a smile. "Does the ring fit?"

Am I in the twilight zone?

"Bendicion, Mami. It's perfect."

"The fear in its eyes, gone out in an instant,

Your tear caught the light, Like Earth from a distance."

Quinn pulled my chair, so it was right next to hers, then patted the seat.

I kissed Mami's uninjured cheek and sat down next to Q.

Mami reached her hand out to me, and I slid my hand into hers.

She smiled down at the sparkling ring, her thumb shifting it back and forth a bit.

When she looked up, her eyes landed on me. "You get your knack for making a bad situation worse from me."

"You've got that right." Papi said, and Mami winked at him.

"Lo siento, Mami. I never meant…I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're okay. I was terrified."

"I'm fine, Nanita. It's so rare to get cool scars once you're my age."

"That's all she's been talking about." Papi added.

Quinn had her arm wrapped over my shoulders, and I never felt safer.

"We made lemonade." She whispered, and I smirked, remembering my words from earlier.

"Yeah we did, enough for everyone to have a cup."

"What are you two talking about?" Mami asked.

"Just me feeling like I was having a lemon-filled day."

"Well, then you should have known that there'd be lemonade!" Papi said, rolling his eyes. "You women make everything so complicated."

"Watch yourself." Mami warned, and he threw up his hands.

"I was kidding."

"Sure you were." Q teased.

And just like that, whatever weird curse that Britt had left me with was wiped away.

Beth came into the kitchen, followed by our happy little village, including Judy, and the laughter expanded.

My parents finally agreed that we should head home and begin to plan for the baby's arrival. Vanessa was 8 months pregnant as of the day before, which meant we had so little time to get ready.

I lived in a dorm room, and Quinn lived in a small two-bedroom apartment.

There was so much to do, and Quinn put that beautiful mind to work, no longer wanting to hesitate to start living. It felt like an answered prayer.

"Sometimes it returns, like rain that you slept through,

That washed off the world, The streets looking brand new."

That night had shifted something in my heart, my soul, and in my mind.

I wanted my forever, not just when it came to love but in my actual life.

My mind went to that suicidal place so many times over the years, and it's always hurt to know that I was a replacement.

But something about the way my parents had seen past one bad moment and gave me the love that I needed healed me.

I saw Anthony's parents and felt how he must have felt for those seven short years of his life.

There was a part of me that was in such disbelief about the way things shifted that I was afraid to go to bed that night and wake up to a different reality.

But when Beth climbed into the bed with us, begging to sleep in the star room, I knew that there was no way that we didn't turn Quinn's newest memory of that sun porch into something different.

I wanted to erase as much of my ex-wife's existence as possible.

So, with Papi and Rachel's help, we moved the mattresses from my room and the guest room and laid them on the floor.

The sun had melted away the snow that covered the glass, and the moon was shining bright as we sat under the stars together.

Even Judy joined us as we curled up on the two mattresses.

"If you two need me to come stay with Beth and the baby while you go to school and work, I'd come stay."

"You'd do that?" I asked her, and Quinn just lay there holding Beth in her arms, looking skeptically at her mother.

"Why are you offering to do that?" Q asked, a note of concern in her voice.

Q backed up against me so that I couldn't see her face, but we were in a glass room; I could see her reflection as she stared down Judy.

I pressed a kiss to the side of her face and had her back the way she had mine.

"What Q really wants to ask is if you're still seeing him because she doesn't want him in her life."

Judy's sad face changed to one of calm, it was the same face that I had seen when she'd shown up at my rehab.

She looked committed and genuine. "It was a lapse in judgment. I won't make that mistake again. I've told you before, and I'll keep telling you, Lucille Quinn, I chose you. You are my baby, and I will always choose you over him."

"Let love in." I whispered to Q, and she deflated.

"For now, we don't have space for you, but I'd love it if you came to stay for a bit to help. I've never taken care of a newborn."

"Me either." I added in, and Judy smiled wide.

"Then it's settled. I'll be here waiting for your call. I'll come when you need me and stay for as little or as long as you need."

"Thank you, Judy." I said, and she reached over Quinn and brushed her hand over my cheek.

"You're my daughter now, Santana. At least call me mother." She chuckled, "But seriously, we're family. Call me, Mom."

"Thanks, Mom." I said, and Quinn groaned. "Don't be jealous. You're still her favorite."

And even though she didn't say a word, I saw the small smirk that crossed Quinn's face.

"You're in this beautiful moment, and you're being grumpy." Judy said, and I answered before Quinn could be annoyed wither Mom.

"Don't take it personally, Mom. Quinn is just mad when I make her the little spoon."

"It's because I'm taller than you."

"Semantics, now fix your face so we can get some sleep. You know that Beth will wake up and scold us if we keep talking."

"And I'll throw a pillow!" Vanessa muttered.

"And if she can't, I will!" Rachel added.

"Excuse me, Ladies?" Papi popped his head into the room.

We looked at him, and he looked sheepish.

"Maribel is going to want breakfast in the morning, and I still haven't managed to flip a pancake. I'm on call, so I may need some help."

"I'll cook if you can get these gabbing gabbers to go to sleep." Vanessa offered.

"Oh yes, Pop, V can cook better than anyone!" Quinn said, her tone light.

"Nice! Well, as Tata can tell you, if Maribel hears people talking late into the night, she will find chores for them to do." Judy let out a fake snore, and Quinn finally laughed.

"Thanks, Papi." I said, and he saluted me before leaving us again.

I watched everyone drift into sleep as I stared up at the stars, waiting for sleep to take me under, but my mind was elsewhere.

Was everything going to actually be okay?

As that thought crossed my mind, I saw a shooting star and felt tears leave my eyes.

"Thank you, God…thanks, bro…my eyes are open. I see you." I whispered up to the stars and wasn't surprised when the lightest sleeper in the world turned around and wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my neck.

"Amen." She whispered, and finally, I felt sleep take me under.

"See how it shines, See how it shines

See how it shines, See how it shines."

QUINN'S POV

People make plans, and God sits up there laughing.

Our little unit was in a state of utter contentment as we drove back home.

We left Lima with so many plans for our next steps, and after dropping Vanessa off in Baltimore, things shifted.

Beth whimpered from the backseat of Santana's car.

"Mama, I don't feel so good." Then I heard the wheezing start.

"Shit." San said, "Kiddo, did I get you sick? I'm so sorry!"

"It's hot." Beth whined, "Make it stop."

Luckily for Beth, we were already pulling down our block when she'd started feeling sick, so she wouldn't have to wait long to be in her bed.

Santana parked and looked to the backseat. "Q, can you open the door? I'm going to carry her in. There's no way she's walking."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure. You've been playing off your back spasms these past few days, but don't think I didn't notice. There's no way you're picking her up."

"You saw?"

She didn't bother answering. Instead, she was every bit Antonio's daughter, as she got Beth bundled against her chest and followed me up to the front door.

It felt like we hadn't been home in weeks when, in reality, it'd only been about five days.

The air felt stale, and the city sirens made me feel safe and sound, far away from all the bad juju in Lima.

I felt peace, and then I heard the gag before the splash of liquid.

After closing the door and kicking off my shoes, I followed the sounds to the bathroom, where Santana was on her knees, rubbing Beth's back as she threw up.

"Hey Sweets, want me to make the tea that you like?"

"And my air, Mama." She said.

"Right, I'll get that set up first, and Santana knows how to use the machine now, too."

Beth looked so pale and tired, but she smiled at her bestie anyway.

"You'll help me breathe?"

"Of course. You gave me all those super helpful tips when I was sick in the hospital, remember? I'll even bring Wheezy Bear to cuddle with us."

"Yes, please."

It felt so good to have a partner in this parenting thing.

San had been there for us before I even put that ring on her finger, and now we were a unit, a family, blood in, blood out.

I couldn't stop smiling as I prepped Beth's machine before putting a rubber sheet on her bed. At nearly 7, she rarely had accidents, but the body does what it wants when it's sick.

Once her room was set up, I went into the kitchen and warmed up Beth's favorite tea, and I was happy I had the foresight to freeze a loaf of bread before we left because I had toast and tea ready in no time.

When I got to Beth's room, Santana had the treatment going as Beth cuddled against her side.

Beth had her eyes closed while San serenaded her.

I felt myself getting emotional as I was filled with gratitude for the woman that I had in my corner.

For whatever that blip of doubt was in Lima, I knew that we'd be okay.

More than okay. We'd be flawless.

It took two days for Santana to be just as sick as Beth, but she refused to let me take care of her.

"You have classes to teach. Leave us, we're fine!" She insisted, so I ignored my desire to be at home taking care of my girls.

Unlike the year before, I had requested the week of Christmas and New Year's off from work; the trade-off was that I had no option to reschedule any work in the two weeks leading up to the holiday.

I had my teaching assistant duties, but I was also overseeing final exams for Dr. Bryn, who was in Vail for the whole month of December.

Thankfully, this time next year, I won't have to worry about this.

I'd be graduating in May and wouldn't need to find coverage any longer.

Thank God!

By Friday, Beth was back to being perky and bugging me to make sure I had a gift for her teacher before Christmas this time.

Santana seemed better, too, but with one day of antibiotics left, she didn't feel like shopping, so for the first time in ages, I took Beth out by myself.

I hadn't realized just how much Santana had been taking on the physically active role by willingly running around with Beth until I had to keep up with her on the busy city streets.

When I got home, I was stunned to see Puck sitting in my living room with Santana. He opened his arms wide for Beth, who barreled into him.

"This is a surprise." I said to him, silently praying that he'd take on some parenting duty for the weekend.

"I'm getting deployed again, this time to Europe. I was sent home to get my affairs in order."

"How long until you leave?"

"A week."

"Wow!"

"I know. I'm staying with Jake and Kitty, they got a new place not too far from here. It's walking distance to Beth's school."

"Yeah?"

"Jake said he wanted to be closer to you and Beth, and now Kitty's working in Center City."

"Oh, cool."

"That's his way of asking if he can take Beth for the week. You realize that, right?" San asked, looking skeptical.

Was she afraid to be alone with me?

Nah.

Get over yourself, Fabray. This resistance was obviously about her not wanting to be away from Beth for so long.

In the end, Beth decided to stay with Puck until Tuesday and then come home.

Puck looked so excited as I packed up Beth's suitcase, and when I made sure to pack up her breathing machine, he looked nervous.

"That comes with a manual, right?"

"No, but your brother knows what to do. She may not use it, but she's just getting over a cold, better safe than sorry."

We were alone in Beth's room while Santana was sitting in the living room examining all the presents we'd just bought.

"Are you pissed at me, Q?" Puck sighed as he sat on Beth's bed.

"Don't sit on beds in outside clothes." I scolded him.

He stood up and leaned against her bedframe again. "Am I allowed to congratulate you? I saw that ring on Santana's finger."

"Of course."

"Okay." He said but didn't offer a congratulations. Instead, he just stared at me.

"What?"

"You seem happy."

"I am."

"Good. I'm happy for you both. Santana is like the smarter, hotter female version of me."

"You forgot kinder, more loving, loyal, and attentive."

"Whoa, not a competition. Tell me why you're really pissed, Q."

"You told me you wanted Beth back in your life, too, but you are never around, Noah."

"I'm a jumper, one of the best. I'm saving lives. I'm on leave, and the first place I went after I got a shower, was here to see Beth. Give me some credit."

"She can read, you know."

"What?"

"If you can't call, can't be here, then at least send her a fucking letter...a postcard, something more than what you're doing now."

"You sound like my mom. She gave me the same lecture."

"That's because I've been making it a point to take Beth to her when I'm in Lima. I told her that you've been absent."

"Damn, that's ruthless."

"You should be thanking me. It's thanks to me that your daughter knows your Mom and sister. I never talk down about you to her, but I'm speaking from experience, Noah, eventually your kid will see you for who you are, and there will be nothing I can do to change that."

"Okay, you're right. I'll start sending postcards. That way, she can hang them up."

"Thank you."

"You're doing a great job with her. I'll work harder to be in her life in whatever way I can."

"Good, because you're missing all the good stuff, the stuff we dreamed about."

"I saw she's missing three teeth now. Our little girl is growing up. I don't want to miss so much."

"Then don't. I'll make sure she writes you back too, okay?"

"I'd like that."

"Sometimes there's a thought like you choose what you're doing,

but it comes to naught when I look back through it."

I'm so grateful that I didn't jump to my first thought of Santana not wanting to be alone with me because once we had the apartment to ourselves, she gave me that dreamy look.

"Hey there, Princess."

"I know I've still got the sniffles, but maybe tomorrow, we can get reacquainted."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"So, what do you want to do today?"

"Well, first, I'd like to clean this place up from top to bottom so you don't get sick."

"That's sweet of you."

"I know, right?"

"Anything else?"

"A night in, bubble bath, dinner, wine, and some online apartment shopping. We can also start talking baby names."

"Is it a sign that we are getting old if spending nights in, getting shit done, sounds like the best idea?"

"Not old, Q. We are adulting and being responsible, spending quality time, all while getting to be comfortable."

"And happy?" I asked, a moment of doubt creeping in, and she kissed that feeling away in an instant.

When she pulled back, she grinned at me, "So fucking happy."

I rested against her chest, soaking in the love that was always so abundant in her arms. There was no place I'd rather be.

"The speed that you moved, the screech of the cars,

The creature still moving, that slowed in your arms."