Birds of a Feather (Billie Eilish)
QUINN'S POV
The doctors confirmed what I already knew: my old rod was pressing on the nerves that I needed to move my legs properly.
At some point, I slipped a disk, and this became more urgent.
My differential diagnosis option was now untenable.
Surgery was now definite.
I had asked San to call the family while I met with Dr. Johnson alone, and she didn't fight me on it.
"Do you want me to get Santana?" The doctor asked, but I shook my head.
"I need a moment before I have to face her."
She pulled the chair close to the bed and sat down. Her eyes searched mine. "Ask me anything," she said.
"Did I do this?"
"I've examined your files extensively, Dr. Lopez sent me your doctor and physical therapist's notes. The advice that pushed you to walk sooner than you were ready was ill-advised. The rod hadn't fully established itself enough for such intense therapy."
"Oh."
"Had you taken a slower course of action, you would have been able to sustain the rod for longer."
"It's lasted three years."
"Can you remember, honestly, when the first pain started?"
"Actually, I can. It was a year into college, and I got into BDSM. The guy was heavy-handed, and that's when I got the first twinge. That was enough to scare me into not doing anything more with him."
"Did the pain persist?"
"No, it was dormant until right before graduation last year. I had rough sex. That was the first time I couldn't feel my legs, and I started spasming. Then I hit my back on my bed. That was the first time I started self-medicating again. I've been having pain off and on ever since."
"You say that happened a while ago. Has anything happened recently?"
"I fell down the steps right after Thanksgiving, and since then, I've been working non-stop. So after that fall, it's been getting worse."
"Not all of those scenarios were intentional…correct?"
"No, they weren't."
"Then it's safe to say it wasn't your fault. You nearly severed your spine. It's a miracle that you were able to walk again and maintain that for as long as you did."
"Will I be able to do it again?"
"Yes, in time. The difference will be that in my care we'll we are going to take every day as it comes. No rushing recovery, just to walk across the stage in May. At the start, I would like to get you to a point where you can hold your children."
"Well, when you put it that way, I can't argue."
"Good. Are you ready to see Santana?"
"One more question?"
"Hit me with it."
"Will I be incontinent?"
She pulled up her tablet and scrolled through my file. "I don't see that in your file. Did you experience that after the first surgery?"
"Yeah, for the first few months after."
She nodded, "Then it stands to reason that you may end up with the same issue this time around."
"Fantastic." I snarked.
"It's not guaranteed, but you may want to prepare yourself."
"I love Santana, but I can't have her do that for me."
"Who helped you before?"
"My mother…and before you ask, yes, she'd do it again."
"Be honest with your loved ones, Ms. Fabray. Trust that you have surrounded yourself with people who will help you through this with dignity. From what I can tell, you're in good hands."
"I know. You're right. Can you give me ten minutes before you tell her I'm ready?"
"Of course. Will she be staying tonight?"
"I'd like that."
"Okay, I'll go secure a cot for her, let me know if you think of any more questions. Alright?"
"Thank you.
Unbeknownst to me, while Dr. Johnson was having her talk with me about the surgery and what to expect afterward, Antonio was having a similar conversation with Santana.
So, without me even needing to warn her about the worst of it, she came into the room with a soft on her face and leaned in to kiss me.
When she pulled back, her hair hung like a curtain around us, and her gaze was intense. I could see how much she loved me, and I felt my worries dry up.
"Q, I don't care what condition you're in. I will still love you. I will still think you are sexy, and I will still be your Princess, even if I need to wipe your ass."
I grimaced but she just pressed a few kisses to my cheeks before plopping down into the chair that Dr. Johnson had vacated.
"That being said, I still would prefer if my mother took care of that. After all, she's been doing it the longest."
"Maybe you should be nicer to her then." Antonio said, drawing my attention to the other side of the room where I hadn't been looking.
"Oh, hey, Pop!"
"Hey, yourself." He took that as permission to come closer, and I welcomed it.
The last thing I wanted to talk about was having my ass wiped. I was hoping he could steer the conversation.
"Did the doctor tell you everything?" I asked him, and he nodded.
"Yes, I briefed Santana and your mother, who is beside herself, but I insisted that Judy take Beth to go see the baby instead of adding undue stress."
"Thank you."
I looked at Santana and saw her picking her nails, like she was holding back from saying more.
Antonio obviously caught that. "Nanita, tell her."
"It's Christmas, and I don't want to unload on her." San whined.
With one arch of her father's eyebrow, San changed her tune and looked at me straight.
"Tell me, San."
"Can you give us a minute, Papi?"
Antonio kissed the top of my head and pinched my cheek before ruffling Santana's. She groaned, but then he squeezed her shoulder.
"Remember what I said."
"I got it, Papi, thank you."
"Bueno." He said, and then left the room.
Once we were alone, San pulled her chair as close as she could to the bed and took my hand.
"Sounds like you two had quite the talk." I tried to keep things light, but she grimaced.
"That's one way of putting it. He's insistent that we pack up and go back to Lima. I put my foot down. Our lives are here. I'm not uprooting Beth during the school year."
I chuckled. "You sound like her mother."
There was an intense look in her eyes, then she smiled softly. "That's because, in every way that counts, I plan to be her Mami for the rest of my life."
"I love you." As much as I felt frustrated by everything, it was Santana's devotion that was keeping me going. "I'm so excited to marry you."
"Good."
I could tell that she was doing her best not to break down in front of me. San had always been that way, trying to hold back everything that weighed on her, but we were a team.
"What's wrong?" I whispered, and then I saw a few tears spill from her eyes, which she quickly wiped away.
"Shit. I'm sorry." She cleared her throat and plastered on a smile.
"Never apologize for feeling overwhelmed. I am happy you're not numbing your feelings."
She looked at me with the saddest eyes and gave me a half-shrug.
"Me too…I got to a point where I didn't think sobriety was possible, and now here I am, six months sober."
"Can we take a moment to be excited about that?"
"We will, I just have a whole checklist of things to talk to you about, once I get through it, I will be able to focus on me."
"Okay, then start at the top."
She nodded, then took a deep breath before launching into her first talking point.
"I went to see the house our parents picked out, it's nice but definitely too much house for us. Crazy enough, it's a block from Jake and Kitty's place. They have a four-bedroom townhouse that has a ramp to the front door and a bedroom on the first floor. I asked them if we could swap until you were on your feet again, and they agreed."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Yeah, I told them to hold off until I discussed it with you, though."
"I really like my apartment, San."
"I know, but it's two bedrooms and that super small den that's got all of Beth's stuff in it. It's not big enough to be a bedroom for Gabriel."
"And it has steps."
"Yes, and I did ask the landlord about getting a chair lift, but they said we'd need to front the bill, and we couldn't take it with us when we move."
"That's ridiculous."
"Exactly. Jake and Kitty are barely settled into their place; they've been there three weeks, and they own it."
"That's big of them."
"Well, they still get an amazing house out of it, and once we don't need it, they can have their place back."
"Okay, I trust your judgment, I'll miss my apartment, but I understand the need for more space for the four of us."
"Good. That's settled."
She still looked nervous.
"What else do you need to tell me?"
"Gabriel's first surgery is scheduled for January 8th. The doctors say he's ready. They don't want to put this off any longer."
"What?! But I won't be able to be there, San. Let me put this surgery off. Please?" I was in tears, and San just sat there, letting me break without letting my hand go for a second.
"No. You can't be anything for him when it hurts you to move. I'll be there, Papi insists on being here as well, plus Lydia and Vincent are staying in town with Beth instead of taking her to Texas. They even offered to take her to New York for a day trip."
"Do you think I can see him before my surgery?"
"You're too delicate to move, and he needs minimal stress before his surgery."
"What about over video?"
"That's doable. I'll make sure you see him every day over video. How's that sound?"
"Perfect."
"Great."
"Is this what having a village feels like?"
"Yup."
"I like it."
"Good, because these fuckers don't want to leave your side. It's amazing."
"Famous last words."
"One more thing."
"Lay it on me, Princess."
"Now that I'm engaged, and I've been sober for six months, I've decided that I need to amend my vow."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yup."
"What's the amendment?"
"Our wedding day to go all the way."
"Yeah?"
"Yes, but this time around, I'm not holding back from touching you or kissing you. We can get hot and heavy, but I would like to save our sexiest times for when you're my wife."
"And I can walk?"
"Even if you can't, I'll just make it work."
"San, I won't be happy unless I can walk. I need you to know just how sad I get thinking about being in that fucking chair again. I felt so helpless. I need to be able to pick up my babies. I need to feel your legs wrapped around me…I need to fuck you however I want."
"And you will. Let's not get hung up on the how, okay?"
"Fine."
"I thought you'd be happier about the vow."
"And I am. It's just my own stupid problems getting in my way."
"Hey, what God has for you is for you. When the time is right, you can be all up on this again. I promise."
"Even though I'm going to be covered in scars and won't be able to fuck you as hard as I want?"
She blushed and then shook her head, then she brought my hand to her lips and kissed my knuckles.
"Truthfully, I haven't had sex in a really long time, so I wouldn't be able to handle just how wild you can get. Soft and slow will be just fine for me."
"Are you trying to pacify me?"
She feigned shock.
"What?! Me?! Never!"
"You suck."
"And lick and bite."
I groaned, and she giggled.
Who was this goddess?
I felt the heaviness leave my shoulders. I knew at that moment that no matter what was ahead of us, Santana Lopez was in my corner, and I had never felt so protected in my life.
God, please don't ever let me take her for granted.
SANTANA'S POV
"Yeah?" I answered the phone without looking, feeling entirely focused on making sure that nothing was left undone. I was lying on a cot across from a sleeping Q, texting our little village about all the plans, and had just put the phone down when it rang.
"Hi, can we talk?"
"It's not the best time."
"Yeah, well, it's never a good time anymore. Our marriage counselor said it was important to communicate."
"And then we got divorced." I hissed.
"Look, this isn't a call like I used to do when I was trying to get you back. I just wanted to hear your voice."
"That's it?"
"No."
"Okay, what else?"
"I called to apologize for how I acted that last day."
"You mean when you strongarmed me into your chair and kissed me?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I was jealous. It's dumb. I know you love her, and I'm really backing off this time. I heard about the engagement, and as much as it stings all over, I'm actually happy for you."
"You sound surprised."
"Because I am. I've been in therapy, and I've volunteered with a crisis hotline. I admitted what I did to Quinn, every detail and when they flipped it around to how she must have felt, it broke me."
"I bet."
"Look, I know you are pissed at me. You may never forgive me, but I can't grow or heal if I don't make amends."
"You sound like an AA meeting."
"Yeah, I think this program I'm in is similar."
"Which is how you know that I can't get in the way of you making amends, right?"
"That's not…I don't want to talk to her. I'm not ready to cross that line. Maybe I'll write a letter, but I don't think hearing my voice or seeing my face is helpful for her."
"You're right, it's not."
"San?" Quinn croaked from the bed, and I looked over to see her red-faced. "The button." I could see that she was reaching for the nurse call button.
"B, I gotta go. Thanks for clearing the air. Give my love to Court. Merry Christmas."
"Thanks. Merry Christmas." She said, and then the line cut out.
I dropped my phone like it was burning me before rushing to Quinn's side.
"What hurts?"
"The pain is moving up my back, I feel like I can't take a full breath." She whispered.
"Shit." I pushed the call button and then took her limp hand in mine. "Can you feel this?"
"No." She whimpered, and then more tears leaked down her face. I grabbed a tissue and wiped her face but she only cried harder.
"I'm here, babe. Just breathe slowly, in and out. Follow me." She was watching my lips as she slowed her breathing a bit. "Good, just like that."
I paced the hallway near the surgical suite for what felt like ages. It was nearly the middle of the night, so I hadn't called our village when they took Q back for surgery.
When they told me that I could stay the night, I was surprised, but now I see that there was a concern about her condition progressing.
Thank God I was there to help her.
"Nanita?" I turned to see Papi looking bleary-eyed in a coat and pajama bottoms.
"What are you doing here?"
"They called me. I'm her power of attorney."
"You have a lot of people's lives in your hands, Papi."
"People love me." He joked before putting his arm over my shoulders and guiding me to a chair.
Once I was sitting, he pulled a wax paper-wrapped sandwich from one pocket and a bottle of apple juice from the other.
"How big are your pockets?"
He rolled his eyes and then nodded to the sandwich. "Eat. Your mother is worried sick about you being here alone."
"I'm surprised Judy isn't here."
"We didn't tell her."
"That's probably for the best. Thanks for the food."
"You're welcome."
"Did the doctors tell you anything about the surgery?"
"Yes, no complications at the moment. She has some deterioration, so instead of one spinal fusion, she'll have two. Her recovery is going to be long and painful. It's important that, as her fiancée, you are firm with her about staying in that chair and back brace for however long it takes."
"She's not going to like that."
"Exactly."
"I plan to be there as much as possible."
"Without dropping out of school." He raised his eyebrow because he knew me way too well and that I never had a problem quitting. "When you finished rehab, you showed me that you know how to commit and follow through. Keep that trend going."
"But…" I began, and he gave me that patented Lopez stare that got me to stop making excuses.
"If you're concerned that she won't support you through school, squash that right this moment."
"Okay, okay. I didn't say I was dropping out."
"But you had that look in your eye."
Knowing that there was no winning this argument, I pivoted the conversation.
"Moving on, Jake and Kitty are already doing the house swap so that Quinn can come home to her things. I'd like to have us settled by the time Beth goes back to school in two weeks. It helps that the new place is empty and Jake could just move once he had the keys. Are you okay to stick around for a few more days? I may need help moving Quinn's things from the apartment."
"Yes. I'll be here. Don't worry about moving her. I'll get that arranged for you."
"Thank you, Papi."
"No problema. Quinn's going to be my bonus daughter, I'm happy to help."
"You're the best."
"I know, right?"
I fell asleep against Papi's shoulder while he sang softly to me and woke up to the sun shining brightly and hushed conversations around me.
There was a warm body pressed against my side, and when I looked down, some of the anxiety I'd been feeling lifted.
Beth was curled up on the bench, playing a game on her iPad. I wrapped my arm around her, and she looked up at me with worried eyes.
"Did I wake you?"
"No, and even if you did, I wouldn't mind."
"Can…would it be okay…um…" Her eyes watered as she put her iPad to the side and held her arm up.
"You want me to hold you?"
"Please?" She squeaked.
"Of course, Kiddo."
I opened my arms and nodded, chuckling when she climbed onto my lap and wrapped her arms around my middle.
It wasn't until her head was resting on my chest that she spoke again.
"I talked to Mama before her surgery. Mama told me you want to be my Mami."
"I do."
"Do I have to wait until you get married?"
"Nope."
"Good."
"Do you Want me to sing? You look tired, and my Papi sang to me last night. It helped me feel better."
"Okay." She closed her eyes while I sang to her just loud enough for her ears.
From what I could see, our whole little village was taking over the waiting room, and I didn't want anyone focusing on us.
Beth started singing softly with me, and that's when I heard her singing voice for the first time. The kid could hold a tune.
As her new Mami, I was going to make sure that I celebrated everything that made her great. I was going to do for her what I wish Judy and Russell had done for Quinn.
Becoming such an important person in her life was just a fantasy back when I was working at Carlo's but now it was my reality.
I felt so blessed.
JANUARY
QUINN'S POV
Three surgeries.
Medically induced coma.
Respirator.
And then after five days, I woke up with only some feeling in my legs with no lingering complications.
The doctors say that it's a good sign that I'll be able to walk again, but I didn't see it that way.
Two rods, a bunch of screws, and a back brace were holding me together, and I couldn't shake how irritated it made me feel.
What was worse was that I couldn't channel my anger towards just my stupid back. Instead I was spreading my mood to everyone who came near me.
And you know what Santana was doing in return?
Being a fucking gem of a human being.
She came each day with a surprise and updates from the outside world.
The baby was about to go through his first big surgery, and I was going to be laid up in a hospital miles away from him. At the root of everything, missing something so important was making me just a tad bit insufferable.
I was grateful that I had fallen in love with someone who knew just how shitty I could be and still showed up with a smile on her face and looked at me like I was the perfect thing.
The morning before the baby's procedure was no different.
It'd been exactly two weeks since my surgery, and I was still in the hospital with doctors hovering because I wasn't healing like I should be.
Anyone would be feeling defeated.
As a precaution, I was stuck in the hospital for another week because of a bad scan. I was a few days into the new year, but nothing felt better.
Even returning to teaching from my hospital bed wasn't lifting my spirits.
My head ached from the fluorescent lights, the nurses were annoying, and my stitches itched so badly, but I did my best to shove down my annoyance. It was not my fault that my outbursts were involuntary.
The only upside to the hours before I saw my family or San was that the nurses kept me medicated just to shut me up.
I knew, of course, that would only last for so long.
Santana's sobriety had given her enhanced awareness of addiction, and we both knew my history.
So, I usually skipped my afternoon dose so that San didn't think I was craving drugs.
Which I wasn't.
Not yet.
I'd been looking over my class schedule when there was a knock on the door, and I grumbled before I even looked up.
I had been stewing in my wheelchair, after finally being allowed to take some steps, which were so painful I broke into a sweat, when Santana showed up with fresh flowers, and I couldn't help my smile.
"Is that smile for me, Q?"
I nodded. "It sure is."
"The nurses tell me that you've been a pain in the ass today. Is that true?"
"They didn't tell you that. Besides, I was only a little grumpy."
"Until now."
"Definitely. You make everything better, S."
"I missed you." She pressed her lips to mine and then sat on the edge of the bed.
"I missed you too. Update me on the kids?"
"In a minute. First, I need to talk to you about something."
"Should I be worried?"
"No. In fact, I think you should be excited."
"Okay. Tell me."
"I was going to surprise you with a wedding on your birthday, rent out Max Brenner, and invite our favorite people…and then I thought it might be overwhelming given that you're not even walking yet."
"That's sweet, Princess, but you're right, my birthday is in less than two weeks, I really don't need that pressure. You know me, I'll skip steps and push myself too hard just so I can walk down the aisle."
She nodded and then looked away from me. I felt like I'd let her down. "Understandable."
"Hey, don't get discouraged. It's the thought that counts. Is there a reason that you wanted to do it so soon?"
"It's fine."
She shrugged, and I growled low. "Princess, please? You're the only light in my days. I need you to keep me human. Talk to me."
I wanted to get up from the chair and wrap my arms around her, but that was impossible.
"I just want to be married already."
"Come closer, please." I asked, and she pulled a chair up next to mine. I took her hand in mine and tugged until her face was inches from mine. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"I want to marry you too. Your idea was beautiful, but the timing is off. If you'd like to do a justice of the peace now and then in a year, we can have a big ceremony, then you can keep your plan."
"Really?"
"Yes. We can get married as soon as you get someone here."
The smile was back on her face.
"Great. I'll call Papi."
"No."
"No?"
"Let's keep this between us for now, S. IF you tell your dad, he'll want to tell your mom, who will want to tell mine, and Judy will never let this go."
"Right. Who could we ask that wouldn't blab about it?"
"Carla?"
"Nah, she's already like a sponsor to me. I'd like to keep her separated from my life."
"What about Kitty? She's a Cheerio first, and you know Sue browbeat us into a code of secrecy."
"You know what, I think that will work. I'll talk to her."
"Good."
"And now, what you really want to know about…Beth is in Texas until Friday, and her new room is perfect. She's going to be so excited."
"Do you have pictures?"
"I have a ton, but we won't need them."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know if it's because you're making everyone nuts or if you're actually ready, but Dr. Johnson agreed to discharge you today, provided you stay in that chair."
"God, yes!"
"And, as you know the baby's procedure is in the morning, so we go see him right from here."
I burst into tears and San was right behind me, as she wrapped me in her arms and didn't let me go until my tears stopped.
This was all I wanted.
I couldn't stop grinning after that, and I was the nicest the doctors and nurses had seen me.
Even when they told me about my daily physical therapy and that I'd need to stop with narcotics in a week, I still smiled and was gracious.
Santana had a smirk on her face as she helped me into a more comfortable wheelchair after dressing me.
Which made my face drop.
"Where's my mom?" I asked her for the first time in days.
"She's flying in on Friday. She found a flight that gets in around the same time as Beth's, so she's going to catch a cab with her to our place."
"But…I'm in diapers…I…San, I can't wipe my own ass."
"It's only for a few days, and then I'll let your mom take over."
"Promise you won't fall out of love with me."
"I promise. You forget that I'm the daughter of a doctor. Nothing grosses me out."
"Famous last words."
"Challenge accepted." She grinned before wheeling me out of the hospital.
The sun was even brighter outside, and before I could ask, she handed me sunglasses.
How was she so fucking perfect for me?
All of my agitation was gone, replaced with gratitude and relief.
Wheelchair be damned.
SANTANA'S POV
Just before I picked Q up from the hospital, I had an early intervention meeting with my parents and Judy so that I could get a better grasp on Q's past issues with opioids.
I knew that I couldn't ask Q about it, not when she was on edge all the time.
Plus, I knew that her years-long resistance to getting her back checked out was a fear of getting hooked again.
The doctors were discharging her, and I asked them to only give me the necessary amounts of drugs for her because I was concerned.
Of course, they didn't fight me on it, I could tell that they just were happy to see her leave.
When I got to Q's room, her eyes were sunken in, but she was putting on a smile for me, and I wasn't going to let her think I didn't see it.
I wanted us to always be honest with each other. I promised myself that this marriage was going to be leagues better than my first.
So I got her flowers and mentioned our wedding so that she knew I was still in this.
And she kept that smile on her face right until we got to the lobby.
If Judy had her way, she'd have been there waiting for us, but I had purposely asked her to hold off until I got Q settled.
The expression on Q's face when I helped her into my car told me that I'd made the right call.
All the agitation that had been radiating off Quinn for weeks melted away when she saw the baby.
Gabriel was in an incubator, and we weren't able to hold him before his surgery, but that didn't matter to Q. She was just happy to see him.
I rolled her chair next to the incubator, and her face lit up with a grin. "Thank you, S." She whispered, not taking her eyes off our son for a second. Seeing her be a mom was one of my favorite things.
"I brought Beth to see him just before she left for Texas, she stayed in here for hours talking to him about our big, crazy village."
Q looked up at me with a sparkle in her eyes, and I swooned. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like there's something on my face?"
"You're beautiful. How could I not look at you?"
"Did you miss me, Princess?"
"So much!" My phone chimed, and I rolled my eyes. While she'd been recovering, I'd been handling everything at home while going to school.
Classes started in a few days, but Carla had me doing some studio work.
When I asked Papi to let me work, and I got to work at the radio station, he went to Carla about the pressure that would cause me.
So now, I was responsible for troubleshooting studio equipment, tuning instruments, and any other odd jobs that Carla had for me.
She knew that I had to pick Quinn up from the hospital and offered me the day off, but I had insisted that I could still help her.
And now, I regret it.
Where are you?-Carla
Visiting the babe with Q.-Santana
Sorry I'm late, I just need 5 more minutes!-Santana
No. My mistake was giving you an option. Take the rest of the week, get Quinn settled and focus on your son.-Carla
Are you sure?-Santana
I expect you to still make time for meetings. Addiction doesn't take breaks.-Carla
Thanks for the reminder! I'll check in tomorrow.-Santana
Normally, if I were texting while in the room with Q, she'd make a grunt or clear her throat, but having our little baby staring at her had all the attention.
Or so I thought.
I slid my phone into my pocket and sat next to Q. By force of habit, I rested my hand on her thigh, and she flinched.
"Shit, sorry." I said, pulling my hand back, but before I could, she put my hand on her knee instead.
"My thighs have pinpricks when you touch them, but my knees don't bother me."
I nodded and rubbed her knee. "That okay?"
"Definitely. Who were you texting?"
"Carla. I had a shift today, but she just gave me the rest of the week off."
"That's nice of her."
"Yeah." I sighed.
"Let me guess, in needing to stay busy, you've been working every moment you can and had brushed her off about being off today?" Q looked into my eyes and raised her eyebrow.
I rolled my eyes. "You know I can't be still for too long."
"Don't worry, Princess, I need round-the-clock care. I'll keep you busy until Mother gets here."
"Challenge accepted."
I leaned in and pressed a kiss on her cheek, then turned her head just enough to kiss her lips.
She moaned, and so did I.
The baby let out a small cry, and I chuckled. "I guess he's right. No kid wants to see their parents make out."
"You've got that right. I barely wanted to see Russel and Judy hold hands."
"Prude." I joked, and just like that, with her chuckle, I felt like we were back on the same page.
I didn't want to tell her how worried I'd been. I just wanted to be her light.
I'd been the most chipper version of myself since this began, not wanting her to see my tears, and now, as our son prepares for the first of many surgeries, I knew that choosing to be her strength was the right move.
FEBRUARY
QUINN'S POV
"Mama?!"
In my second week of in-home physical therapy, I spent every moment that I could on my feet despite the pain.
When I wasn't on my feet, I was splayed out on the floor sobbing into the carpet, wishing for the drugs that could numb me.
Nothing was the same as before the hospital.
I was in a new home, I was still using the fucking wheelchair, and my mother was stepping in to take care of my child when San was at school.
Sure, I was perfectly capable of picking up Beth from school if I was willing to go in my chair while there was snow and ice on the ground, but I refused.
Unless I had to go to the doctor or was checking in on Gabriel, I stayed inside. I had plastered a facade on for Beth and San on my birthday and would do the same come Valentine's.
I could tell that they saw how fake my smile was but no one called me out on it, not even my mother.
Judy was too afraid that I'd send her home, so this version of her was the most docile.
And I was grateful for it.
I'm not sure San was, though, because it meant that on top of everything else that she was shouldering, She also had to deal with my outbursts.
I hated that I was being a burden, so I did my best to get all of my tears out before anyone got home.
So far, it had worked until it didn't.
Normally, I'd only lay on the floor and cry out my frustrations when I was sure that I was alone, but that last Friday of PT, I didn't know that Beth had a half day.
So, when she came into the house with Mother, all she saw was me crying into the carpet, and she panicked.
I lifted my head and tried to muster a smile but she pressed her cold hands to my face as her chin wobbled.
"I'm fine, Sweets."
"You're not fine. Grandma is calling the doctor."
"No. Tell her I just needed to cry, but I'm okay. Hurry, I can't afford an ambulance right now."
Beth got up and ran from the room. While she did that, I slowly crawled to my chair, hoping to be back in it when Beth returned.
Only I'm not that fast.
I had my hand on the seat when I felt warm arms wrap around me and help me lift up.
"When did you get home?" I huffed once I was finally sitting in the chair.
"Just now." San knelt so we were eye to eye. "Beth told me you were crying, want to tell me what's bothering you?"
"Everything."
San scrunched up her brows and stared me down.
"Is she okay?" Beth burst into the room, and San held up a finger to me before turning towards Beth.
"Kiddo, you should be getting ready. You have gymnastics today. Ask Grandma to take you."
"But you said you were taking me!" She whined.
"I know what I said, Kiddo, but I promised you that I'd take care of your Mama. I can't do that if I take you. So, just for today, can you let Grandma take you?"
"Oh. Yeah, she can take me. You take care of Mama."
"Come give your Mama a kiss before you go."
Beth skipped over to me and wrapped her arms over my shoulders, her eyes were so beautiful as she looked into mine.
"It's okay to cry, Mama. I know it hurts, but you're tough."
"Thanks, Sweets."
She kissed my face and then hugged me once more before leaving me alone with Santana.
Just like always, once San was home and filling me in on the outside world, I felt just a little human again.
"I miss you." I blurted out when she was mid-story about one of her classes.
"I'm right here."
"I miss leading you, San. I hate how little control I have in all of this."
She gave me an appraising look and then moved behind me to push my chair.
"I know you hate this chair. I know you wish that you were fucking me, believe me, so do I. You are a control freak without an outlet to focus on. I had a long talk with Papi about this a few days ago. He insisted that you needed to just focus on your health, that anything more would distract you from that, but I disagree."
"Meaning?"
Since I'd been home, I had barely left the bedroom except to eat dinner at Mother's insistence and to do PT now. San was pushing me towards a room I hadn't entered.
I waited as she pushed open the door to a wood-paneled office.
"Your MCATs are coming up in May, you also graduate then. I know you want to put off med school either indefinitely or at least until the baby is stable. I respect that, but you should still be studying."
"Why?" I grumbled, not bothering to tell her that I'd already done this and had no desire to do it again.
Only San hadn't asked me for much since I'd been home. If doing whatever she asked of me made her feel a little less stressed, then I would do it.
"If nothing else, my love, you can control the outcome of your MCATs and your graduation standing. Throw yourself into your studies, finish school, become a doctor or don't, either way, you have to take your control in the best way you know how."
She moved me in front of the desk, where all of my notes and textbooks were stacked neatly.
"You still think I should become a doctor?"
"I think that you should do whatever you want, Q. I support you and your dreams. Someday, the tables might be reversed, and I'll need you to push me to my best potential. It's who we are, just in case you forgotten."
She leaned in close, and I cupped her face before kissing her with everything I could.
And when she nipped my lips, I felt a surge of heat in all the right places.
God, I love her.
From that moment on, I pushed myself to stick to a routine, and San was right by my side.
Our family study time became more frequent, and I didn't feel so unnerved about my progress.
It seemed that the less I tried to control the timeline of walking again, the easier it was to accept my limitations.
With every step, I felt close to my goal of walking across that stage at graduation.
Everyone told me not to focus on that, but I knew myself I needed a goalpost, and while I kept up a brave face with them, internally, I knew that I had three months to get the strength to take just under 200 steps, even if it meant spending the rest of the summer sitting in that chair.
So be it.