Heart of Life (John Mayer)
SANTANA'S POV
"So you think that this all started because of your daughter?"
"Sasha."
"Right. How old is she now?"
"Fourteen months."
"And why do you think this started because of her?"
"Well like I told you before, getting pregnant was something that Quinn wanted to do way back in L.A. It had been my idea but once we got back to Philly and I found out about her "nearly" cheating." I used air quotes as I said that because I don't think I really believed that she had been faithful in LA. I had just gone along with it, tried to make it work but I think it was making me bitter.
"If you say that you forgave her, then you need to stick to it and really do it, Santana. That was almost five years ago."
"I know, okay. Don't you think I know that? I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I get no credit for all the work I put in with those kids and keeping a home. I gave up my dreams to be a stay at home mom. Then when Beth ends up pregnant, Quinn left ME to do all the talking and shit as if I gave birth to Beth and not her!"
"Did she say anything?"
"She asked about the father and then checked out for the rest of the night. I had to get out of there. It hurts to leave Gabe and Sasha but I am no good for them right now...not like this."
"How long have you been clean now?"
"Ten years, seven days. I just got my chip last week and after tonight I was ready to throw it all away."
"But you called me."
"Yeah."
"Do you remember when we first met, Santana?"
I couldn't help my smile.
"A pair of red bottom heels comes to mind."
"Right, I still have those. Do you remember our conversation about your potential and my faith in you even after everything my father told me about you?"
"Vaguely."
"I wanted you to graduate so badly. I wanted you to be a success story but you followed Quinn, you gave it all up. Released that album."
"Oh God, don't even mention that album." I hid my face behind my hands, petrified at my drop and then flop album.
"Through it all, you stayed clean. The things that you've been through is enough to send any addict spiraling...it would have definitely taken me down."
"What's your point?"
"You've spent ten years...maybe more giving your life up for Quinn and the kids. When is it time for you to live? You're 31, Santana. You're still a kid."
"Shit, a kid who is about to become a grandmother."
"How terrifying is that?"
"For me, it's more than terrifying, I'm so fucking disappointed in that kid. I told her how much I'd support her in whatever she decides but is it wrong that I think she should give it up?"
"No. It's not wrong, you just want to protect her from herself and you want Quinn to show some concern."
"It's why I need to get away from her. I might even take Sasha. She's not in school, like the other two. Is that nuts?"
"Maybe talk to your wife before you go taking Sasha to the great unknown."
"To be honest, I'd probably just go home...spend sometime with my parents."
"And stay sober?"
"Definitely. I think having Sasha with me will keep me level headed."
"Well you know what you have to do then."
When I got home, only the light in our bedroom was on. It was the middle of the night but Quinn didn't have a normal sleep schedule anymore.
I was banking on that.
I pushed the door open and found her cuddling with a sleeping Sasha, watching Netflix, while playing on her phone.
"Waiting for a call?" I asked, my voice scratchy to my own ears.
She looked at me with her same old cool expression but didn't move a muscle.
"Where did you go?"
"Out."
"With who?" I hated her accusatory tone but I wasn't going to fight over it...not now, Sasha was such a light sleeper.
"Carla. I needed to talk through some things before I snapped at you or the kids."
"You're leaving me."
"Quinn...it's more than that."
Her eyebrow arched. "Divorce?"
"Separation. I need some time and I'm taking Sasha with me."
She sat up slowly, her eyes never leaving my face.
"Like hell you are."
"You didn't even want her. I went through IVF by myself. I picked the donor. I stabbed myself in the ass. I gave birth alone in our bathroom. There was nothing about her life that you were involved in. I'm leaving and I'm taking MY daughter with me. Shit, I'd take Gabe too, since he's more mine than yours but I know how obsessed he is with perfect attendance but that baby, is coming with me."
"Don't do this." She said, her hand, now rubbing small circles on Sasha's back.
"You've left me no choice. I don't want to end things. I love you still, Luce. That hasn't changed but I can't live like this anymore. I need you to feel something. Feel this situation. Your 15 year old daughter is pregnant, history is repeating itself. No one can relate to her like you can and you have checked out."
"I know."
"You know but you haven't done anything about it. I could understand if you were in love with someone else or if I had cheated or gotten high but that's not the case, is it?"
"No."
"Do you love me?"
Her eyes were rimmed with tears now, the first real emotion that I've seen from her in two years.
"I love you."
"Are you in love with me?"
She looked at me hard and hesitated before nodding. "I think so."
It was a stab to my heart but I needed to hear it.
"I need more than that, Luce. You're about to have your hands full with navigating all the shit that happens around here. Gabe and Beth will be a great help to you while we're gone. Don't worry. I'm just going back to Ohio. Maybe there, with some distance...you'll remember why we ended up together. And maybe, just maybe you'll realize how much I've sacrificed for YOUR career and YOUR dreams."
"Can I ask one thing?"
"Fine."
"Wait until tomorrow...our kids already hate me, if you leave without talking to them...without both of us talking to them, I'll spend the whole time that you're gone being punished by them."
"That's what you deserve to be honest. You have no idea how many times I have had to deal with broken promises that you've made to them for nearly seven years." Her tears were moving down her cheeks now and because I don't hate her, not yet...I relented. "I'll stay just until tomorrow."
"Thank you."
I spent the entire night sitting up watching Quinn sleep, afraid that somehow she'd steal the kids away in the middle of the night. I was overly paranoid, so much so, that I used the time to pack properly for both me and Sasha. So that by the time the sun was coming up, two suitcases sat by the door and our plane tickets were bought.
Our flight left at five in the evening and there was nothing in my mind that could keep me from getting on it.
Since they were little kids, I have tried to make sure that Beth and Gabe had a routine on weekends. I have found that it is easier for them to transition back to school on Monday if they are still on a schedule on the weekends.
So Saturdays it's usually an early breakfast, usually picked up by me and these days, me and Sasha. After that we clean the house top to bottom and then the kids go their own way until dinner. We always sit down on Saturday nights and break bread together.
And Sunday, we go to church. Even though Quinn hasn't attended in longer than I can remember, I still get the kids up early and we go to St. Peter's for morning mass. After that we brunch and then the kids work on school work or hang out with friends.
Today is Sunday and for the first time in nearly a month, Quinn is home for it. Normally she will just sleep through our church outing and meet us for brunch but I knew today would be different.
I was already up with the sun, so getting dressed for church was a quiet affair, it gave me time to really take stock in what I was about to do. It was somewhat impulsive, somewhat premeditated.
For over a year, I had wanted to leave her...I wanted to teach her a lesson.
And now, on a beautiful Sunday in September, I was about to do just that.
I was about to walk away...but first, the kids.
Sasha smiled up at me as I strapped her into the stroller, the birds were chirping and the sun was shining. It was a picture perfect morning...in theory.
Just as I checked my watch, prepared to call the kids from their caves, I heard footsteps.
I stood at the door, taking in every moment because fuck, I was going to miss this.
Quinn stepped into the foyer dressed in one of her old sundresses and a hat. The moment took me back to the girl that I had never allowed myself to fall in love with. She took my breath away...still.
"Good morning, love." She said to me, her smile genuine instead of cold as if the night before hadn't happened.
"Good morning."
"The kids are coming."
"They better be, we need to go!" I yelled out, which quickly was followed up by thundering steps down the stairs.
"Beth won't come out of the bathroom. I don't know what's wrong with her...I think she was crying."
"We really don't have time for the theatrics." I grumbled and Quinn nodded once before moving towards the stairs.
"Sweets, lets go, please!"
I rolled my eyes because I could have called her from the bottom of the stairs.
"Gabe hold this." I handed off the diaper bag and stormed past Quinn and up the stairs.
I didn't bother knocking as I pushed the bathroom door open.
When I saw Beth sitting on the toilet crying, my attitude vanished.
"Beth...what is it?"
"You're leaving us with the ice queen...I couldn't...I took whatever I could find." She said, looking at me glassy eyed and pale. That's when I saw the open medicine cabinet. "I read that certain drugs could trigger a miscarriage but it's not working...it just hurts so bad!" She gripped at her stomach and at that moment I remembered that Quinn was a doctor.
"QUINN!"
I sat in the waiting room with Sasha asleep against me, Gabe was playing on my phone but the look on his face was haunted.
And Quinn, well she had been put out of the triage unit because they couldn't help Beth with her hovering...she was pacing looking less like the ice queen that Beth saw her as and more like her actual mother. It was a welcome sight.
"Dr. Lopez?"
She froze and walked over to Beth's doctor.
"Give it to me straight, Ish." She said, not even looking back at me.
They put their heads closer as he showed her something on an iPad.
Finally Quinn looked at me and all that coldness was gone. She looked scared.
I stood up and walked over to them...hearing my heart thudding in my ears.
"What is it?"
Quinn turned to me with tears, full blown tears and shoved the iPad at me.
"The list of drugs in her system...they...she says they're yours. Why are you taking methotrexate?"
"Is the baby okay?" I asked, dodging her question.
"No, Santana. The baby's gone." There was a whimper to her voice where I would have expected an edge.
"Can I see her?" I asked the doctor and he looked to Quinn for confirmation.
"Give her what she wants, Ish. She's her mother."
Dr. Ish looked confused but he gestured towards Sasha.
"You might want to leave her." He said and without hesitation I handed Quinn my sleeping baby.
"Don't think I'm letting this go, Santana." She said as I walked away and I just kept walking but not before tossing a response over my shoulder.
"Wouldn't dream of it, Fabray."
"It's Dr. Lopez." Her candor made me smile...we still had our spark. It felt good to know that even divided, we were still a unit. It was good for her to remember it.
To feel it, especially now.
"Before you say anything," I held up my hand when Beth saw me, her lips ready to explain her stupidity. "What you did was reckless and irresponsible. Not to mention the fact that just yesterday you were adamant about keeping this baby, shit, you'd even named it after your mother. There's got to be more than me leaving your Mom at play here and for you to take the medicine...THAT medicine was just...there are no fucking words Beth. I thought that we were closer than this."
"We are."
"Why did you do this?"
"He's gay, you know. We both are. I wanted to be normal...we both did. I thought if we got pregnant, it would solidify our heterosexuality. It's stupid...I made a mistake and if my genetics are anything to go by, I would be a terrible mother anyway, just like Judy and Quinn."
"So you killed your baby?"
"It's my body, my choice."
"I don't even know who you are right now, Beth."
"You won't have to leave now...right?"
I hugged my arms around myself and stared hard at her.
"I'm still leaving, Beth. I need to take care of myself...I need to be able to get...better."
"So it's true then?"
"What?"
"I know that your sick...I know that the pills I took are for treating certain cancers and that you have been really trying to hold it together for us."
"I'm fine."
"No you're not. You don't think I've noticed your hair getting thinner, the way you color in your eyebrows...or that you spend a lot more time at the doctors? I've kept that secret for months...I've cleaned more, I've taken up cooking. I change diapers, I help Gabe with his homework. I've been doing everything that I could to help you without being obvious. You're not fine, Mami. I got pregnant before I knew and now, you won't have to worry anymore. Just...let me help?"
"This is none of your business."
"It is! I take care of YOU, Mami. ME. If you leave, how will I know that you're alright? How will I know that you're not on your deathbed? How do I know that you going away isn't your attempt at getting me and Gabe used to being alone with Mama?"
I heard a familiar gurgle and pulled back the curtain behind me. Quinn stood there stone faced and pale.
"Luce..."
"Don't...I don't have any time for fighting. Tell me what we are dealing with."
"No."
"Tell me, Santana. For God's sake, do NOT do this to us. We deserve more. The kids...me...we deserve the truth, please? What is it?"
"Breast cancer...stage 2."
A/N: I am not killing anyone. Quinntana is endgame. Couples go through dips...10 years is a long time. I will be back...very very soon! I promise!