Cold (Crossfade)

QUINN'S POV

I froze after the words left her lips and she rolled her eyes.

"Great talk, Quinn." She muttered before pulling the curtain closed again so that she could talk to Beth privately.

I yanked the curtain back and stopped short of being rude when I saw Santana crumpled over onto our daughter's lap, silently sobbing. Beth rubbed at her back and looked up at me with the same cold glare that I had perfected.

"Are they discharging me or what?" She said with an edge in her voice that shouldn't be there. Had I done this to her?

Normally Santana would have scolded her for speaking to me like that but she didn't move a muscle.

"I'll go check."

"Thanks, close the curtain when you go." And with that she was murmuring to Santana as if I was nothing to her, I had patients that were nicer than her and she's my flesh and blood.

How had it gone this far?

Shit, how had anything turned out like this?

I walked out into the hallway and Ish stood there with the iPad in his hands, trying to look busy.

"We need to talk, NOW." I practically growled at him as I passed him and he immediately jerked his head up to look at me.

"With her here?" He whispered as we made our way into an empty exam room...one with a door that I promptly closed before laying Sasha down on the bed.

"Yes, maybe then you'll keep your hands to yourself. Is my son still in the waiting room?"

"Yeah, Debbie's keeping an eye on him."

"Good."

"So that's the wife?"

"Yeah, that's her."

"She's hot."

"Yeah, I'm aware of how hot my wife is, Ishmael...don't be brash."

"It's just not right that two hot chicks chose each other...well at least she did."

"That's enough, I'm not here for games."

"Fine, What is it then?"

"Two things."

He stepped closer, taking my hand in his and I snatched it back.

"Come on, Lucy Lu don't be cold with me."

"I need you to put my daughter on a 72 hour hold."

"Suicide watch? She clearly wasn't trying to kill herself, sweetheart."

"No, just her baby, on purpose. I need to know that she's okay that she won't resort to pills in the future."

"Fine, I'll get a psych consult down here. What else?"

"This thing we have, it's over."

He looked dumbfounded but then let out a harsh laugh.

"No it's not, you tried that after your vow renewal, you lasted a week. This isn't over, Lucy Lu and you know it."

"Ish...I fucked up, a lot but I love her...so fucking much. It sucks that her getting cancer was the thing that flipped the switch but I can't devote myself to her and do this thing with you. I choose her, Ish. Every time."

"And what we had..."

"Means nothing in comparison."

"I followed you from LA because you gave me hope that we had something real! I had an offer from the Mayo Clinic and I turned it down for you."

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"But you didn't tell me not to."

"It's done, Ish."

He surged forward, cupping my chin and kissed me hard.

I gripped at his white coat and whimpered as he pressed down at a bruising pace but I still pulled away.

"You love me. Tell me you don't and I'll walk away."

"I..."

And then there was a whine from the bed and I jumped away from him.

Fuck, how did I turn into Russell?

I picked up Sasha before she had a full out tantrum and stormed towards the door. I hesitated as I slid it open.

"I don't love you, Ish. It's done." I said, as firmly as I could and then pulled the door open the rest of the way.

"What's done?" I looked into a searching pair of brown eyes and she looked at my lips for a moment and then behind me before nodding with her lips pursed. "Give me my daughter, Quinn. NOW!"

Ish pushed out of the room and didn't say another word to me after Santana practically ripped Sasha from my arms.

I wanted to collapse onto the floor but I was technically at work. Frankly, I had already made a fool of myself.

Lucky for me, I've perfected my mask and so I steeled my expression and walked back towards the triage unit.

Beth was sitting up in bed with Gabriel at her side.

"Hey." I said as I got closer and Beth's glare was vicious.

"Mami's gone. She said she's going to get her bags and she's leaving. She looked heartbroken, what did you do?" She growled.

"Who do you think you're talking to like that?" I snapped back...the nurses in earshot were watching in awe as I went toe to toe with my daughter.

"You. She was going to stay, she promised that she'd stay a little longer, until Thanksgiving maybe and then she goes to find you, the next thing I know she's leaving. You did something, I know it!"

"Dr. Lopez." Ish came up behind me and I stilled as he stepped to the edge of the bed so he could meet my eyes.

"Yeah?" My voice was strained but there's no way she'd figure out why.

"Psych agrees, your daughter's free to go. I'll have her discharge papers at reception."

"Great. Thanks."

"And Quinn, if you need anything let me know." He said before turning and walking away.

I turned back to Beth and she was gaping at me.

"Tell me that I was just seeing things, Mama."

"What are you talking about?"

"You look at him like you used to look at Mami." Gabe squeaked before turning red and looking down at his shoes.

"See, even Gabe sees it. How can you deny it? Is that it? Did she catch you?"

"You're out of line, Beth."

"Like hell I am. She's sick, how could you do this to her, especially now? I didn't think you were this heartless."

"Enough! I don't have to explain myself to you. You are the child! I am the adult. So get your shit and let's go. NOW!"

I was humiliated. How could I return to work tomorrow when the whole trauma unit just witnessed me lose it. I've kept my composure for four years here and all that is gone. I might as well uproot us and go fix things.

What's stopping me now?

Gabriel sat between us as we silently fumed in the cab.

How had a relaxing Sunday turned into chaos like this?

A miscarriage and what was a separation is probably turning into a divorce...plus cancer.

I felt like God was punishing me and frankly, I deserved it.

"How long is Mami going to be gone?" Gabe asked after five minutes of silence.

"I don't know." I said.

"Probably forever." Beth grumbled.

"It's your fault. Mami was just trying to get us out the door for church and you made yourself sick instead." Gabe grumbled.

"My fault? No kid, it's the ice queen's fault."

I don't know what came over me but before I knew it, my hand was flying and the back of it came perfectly in contact with her mouth.

"Ow!" She whined and I didn't even bother looking at the damage I had done, instead I looked out the window.

After that silence reigned once again.

I felt like shit, it seemed with every action I was becoming more like my father but this time, I didn't feel so bad about it.

She was mad, that was one thing but the utter disrespect was not something I was going to tolerate.

If she thinks I was an ice queen before, she's got no idea how cold I can get!

"Hello?" She mumbled, "We are on our way back home...where are you? Still? Yeah, two minutes."

"Is she home?" I asked but was given no response.

"I love you too, see you soon."

"I guess that's my answer." I said again to silence.

When we pulled up outside the house, Santana stood on the curb waiting.

She leaned in and paid for the cab before pulling my door open, probably because I was on the side of the curb.

I stepped out and she looked right past me. She smiled at Gabriel and then her eyes got wide when she looked at Beth.

"What happened?" She said, looking from Beth to me.

"She slapped me." I glared at Beth and then felt bad when I saw that I had in fact, split her lip.

"What did you do?" She asked Beth as the cab pulled away and immediately that bravado she had was gone.

"Nothing."

"She called Mama the ice queen." Gabe offered.

"Is that right?"

"She cheated on you and made you leave."

"No. She didn't and if she did that's between me and your mother."

"Don't try to cover for her, Mami."

"You want another fucked up lip?"

"Seriously! Have I not been through enough today?"

"Who's fault it that?" Gabe yelled and I couldn't let it go on.

They were beginning to get loud on the sidewalk and if I was stuck being embarrassed at work, I wasn't going to have the same feeling when I looked at the neighbors.

"Enough, inside please. So we can talk as a family." I said, speaking up instead of abstaining for once.

Santana looked at me in shock but just gave a curt not. "Let's go." She said before turning and heading up to the porch.

Sasha sat in her high chair with cereal as she stared fixated on Elmo.

I headed straight for the dinning room thinking that we were going to start talking right away but I felt her grip on my arm as she steered me past the table and into our study.

"We need to talk to the kids." I tried to stall but she shut the door and gestured to the couch.

"Not yet, right now, we need to talk about what I saw today, I need answers, Quinn. Right now." Her voice was calm and when it came to Santana, the calmer that she seemed the worse her anger was.

"Fine. What do you want to know?"

"You're sleeping with him?"

"I have, yes."

"How often, Quinn, because after the last six months without sex, I thought you just returned to being a prude."

"I don't know."

"Is that because it's too many times to count?"

"Santana, please, I ended it. That should be enough."

"No! You don't get to tell me what's enough. How long has this been going on?"

"Six years."

I watched the air leave her lungs as she lunged forward and her hand connected with my cheek.

She hadn't slapped me in years...since before we were together and the force of it made my head snap to the side.

"Since LA. Before we renewed our vows. We talked, I gave you the chance to tell me and you lied!"

"I know."

"Do you love him?"

I shook my head immediately. "I don't."

She balled up her fists and I lifted my chin, daring her to do her worst, as if her beating me would make us even but I knew she wouldn't give me the satisfaction.

"You know," She chuckled to herself as she began to pace. "Brittany was convinced you were cheating on me. Told me that you have always been a cheater and I knew she was right. Deep down, I knew because I have seen it first hand but I thought it'd be different between us. I thought you loved me enough to be faithful or at least be fucking honest."

"I didn't mean for it to go on so long."

"So long, Quinn you shouldn't have fucking done it at ALL!"

"I know."

She began to look pale and was beginning to sweat and while I should have been trying to save my marriage, the doctor in me jumped up and caught her before she could stumble.

She shoved at me with a sudden burst of strength and I felt the sharp pain in my back as I collided with the bookshelf.

I tried to ignore the ache as I stood there looking into her pained face.

"I'm sorry for the terrible person I am. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry that you're the one that's sick. It should be me." I stood there sobbing as I apologized and she just gripped at the desk behind her and glared at me. "I want to fix it. I ended things because I love you, Santana, I'm IN love with you. He means nothing to me...please...just...we can't end like this."

I was pleading with her and she just glared at me, gathering her words. I could see the concern in her eyes as she looked me over but I knew her pride kept her from checking on me. She was too angry.

She glared so long that I had to give in and sit down as my legs went numb from pain.

"I didn't go to the airport because I thought we could save this. I thought it was just a one time thing...maybe two but six years, Quinn. That's a relationship. Did you think about us at all? The kids, me?"

"I always came home to you!"

"No you didn't. Quinn, you haven't been HERE, with us in a long time. In fact, about seven years ago, you started acting funny...is that when you met?"

"Yes."

"But it's only been six years of sex?"

"I brushed him off until Brittany was back in the picture."

"Don't put this on me and Brittany. She hurt you but I didn't."

Now I was enraged and on my feet again. "NO? You don't think it fucking hurt me to have her in my house, to have her at functions...you don't think it hurt me that she practically attached herself to your asshole?!"

"If you wanted me to stop talking to her, you should have just-"

"Let me stop you there, Santana, she assaulted me. You stayed with her. She RAPED me and you stayed with her! Finally, after she nearly blew her brain out, you left her, even though you still financially supported her and then when you got addicted to coke, I picked you up off the ground. I SAVED YOU. That should have been enough. I supported you through getting clean and school, I offered to stay in Philly to go to med school and YOU said LA. You said the experience was worth it and then when we get there, you become fucking besties with my RAPIST. And you think an ultimatum would have made us okay? That you would have agreed to it without being bitter? She raped me with a gun to my head, YOUR gun and you became best friends with her again. HOW was I supposed to be okay with that, Santana? HOW?"

She looked at me with wide eyes and no words because what could she possibly say?

We sat in silence for a long while after that, both hurt, both defensive.

The silence went on until the door creaked open and Beth stepped in.

Her face was flushed with tears as she looked between us.

And then she looked at me and I could immediately see that it was different than I had ever seen and that's how I knew that she heard us, heard me.

I broke and bit back a sob...this is not how I wanted her to see me. Like some fucking victim. I was not a victim, I was a survivor.

"I sent Gabe across the street to Jonathan's...um...Sasha is...uh...still watching her show." I hated that she'd heard all that but maybe it was necessary.

"How much did you hear?" Santana asked and Beth looked over at me.

"Everything."

"I thought so. How much did Gabe hear?"

"Not too much, he had his headphones on and was on the porch...you two got really loud and I sent him away before he could hear about Brittany."

"Thank you, kiddo."

"Mama...are you okay?"

I looked at her for a long moment before I nodded. "I hope so."

"Your mom and I both did some hurtful things. I don't condone the cheating...I don't think I can forgive that right away...but I guess I can understand how it started."

"It should have ended in LA. I shouldn't have let it go on. It took me away from my family, from being the kind of mother and wife I vowed to be."

"Twice." Beth interjected and I shot Santana a glance and for a moment we remembered our two time thing ages ago.

She gave a small smirk and then repeated Beth. "Yeah, twice."

"So what, are you leaving, is a divorce coming?" Beth asked and I looked at Santana for that answer because I didn't have a leg to stand on...quite literally.

"No. For better or worse. I stayed with Brittany because I'm Catholic, divorce is not supposed to be an option. I don't want to be divorced twice before I'm 35. I don't want to be divorced ever again but there's no way I can stay here and know you are going back to him every day. I can't live like that."

"And Lima?" I asked.

"You can stay and I'll go, I can't promise that things will be okay between us but if you quit and come to Lima...truly leave that fucker behind, I think we can fix this. What do you say?"

"Are you giving me the ultimatum that I couldn't give you."

"I am." She said, looking me straight in the eye.

"I choose you, Santana. Without a doubt, I choose you. Consider it done."

After my declaration, Santana's sharp expression eased and she opened her arms for me and when I stepped into them she squeezed me so tight.

"Get over here." She mumbled and I immediately felt Beth's arms wrap around us.

"I'm sorry I called you the ice queen." She said and Santana chuckled.

"Oh, kid, you weren't the first and you surely won't be the last."

"But it was disrespectful and I shouldn't have hit you so hard, I'm sorry about your lip." I added.

"I deserved it."

"Okay, I'm getting lightheaded from the sudden sappiness." Santana said and we both immediately jumped back.

"See! This is why I wasn't telling you guys about the cancer, I didn't want you treating me like I'm going to break."

"I almost forgot." Beth said as she looked at Santana's boobs. "How bad is stage 2?"

I stayed in front of Santana, our bodies only a few inches apart. I wanted to inspect her, to see all the things that I had been missing.

"My survival rate is pretty high and with chemo and radiation they think they can cure it but I've already decided on a double mastectomy."

"Wait...like chopping your boobs off...both of them?" Beth said, her jaw dropping.

I was sad, I loved her breasts but I couldn't force her to keep them. I'd love her still.

She looked at me for some sort of reaction and instead of checking out like I had been, I spoke up.

"If that's what you want, then that's what we're doing. Sickness and in health, I'm there."

She pulled me into another hug and buried her face into my hair.

"Thank you." She said, as she rubbed at my lower back and I melted further against her.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Me too. I'm sorry, I should have seen how much it affected you."

"I won't do it again."

"Neither will I. She's not worth it."

"Neither is he."

A/N: Woowee. That was a heck of a ride! I've been putting off talking about the cheating for a LONG time but it was always there in the background...I consulted my wife about how I should approach this and she told me in all sappiness that for better or for worse, we'd stick it out...fix things. Make it work and so that's what's going to happen. I love how much love you've given me, it's made all the hurt of the last few months ease a bit. Thank you, chicas! See you soon.