A/N: There's a dreaming flashback scene, it's completely italicized. Heads up. This chapter was a labor of love and this song...it brought all the sappy into play. I was asked why my stories were sad...I think they just might be too real for some. I won't apologize for that. I give you chicas my heart. It's all love.

Heart's on Fire (Passenger)

QUINN'S POV

I snatched that sleeping pill from her hand, looking for any relief to the burning and itching that was under my skin. She was looking at me with her eyes big and searching, waiting for me to level out and even though I just wanted to die right then, it was the love in her eyes that made me focus.

She climbed in the shower with me, her touch soothing the burning as she washed me from head to toe.

It was the most intimate touch that I'd had in way too long.

With Ish, it was always rushed, clothed and carnal.

I hated how it made me feel and if I can get clean, maybe her touches will be all that I'll have to worry about again.

As I came down, this time with the gentle hum of whatever pill she gave me, I was starting to see through some of the fog, even if the stabbing pains hadn't subsided.

"You should rest." She whispered to me as she toweled me dry.

I nodded and gave her my sweetest smile because with the way she was looking at me, past the concern, with all the love in the world, how could I not give her what she wanted?

Through everything, I loved her still.

So I let her lead me to the bed and when she gave me one of her oversized shirts, it gave me hope.

I hated that she was worrying about me right now when she was the sick one but I savored the ability to see through the fog.

The steady stream of Oxy and Xanax, as scheduled as I could make them, had kept a wall between us. It had stopped me from feeling all of the anxieties of being overworked and overtired but it had also tamped down on the emotions that I would have liked to show.

But I couldn't stop, not after all this time and risk getting sick and revealing myself as some kind of junkie.

I'd lose everything and everyone.

Screw Ish, get a script, fill it, take all of it, screw Ish, get a script, fill it, take all of it...my status quo. It was all that mattered and I hated how I was feeling it.

The tears came as she pulled the shirt over my head and then she leaned in and kissed my face, I choked back a sob and thanked her.

She waited until I was under the covers and I had my eyes closed before she left the room.

And I waited.

I resisted until her conversation passed the doorway.

Rehab in Ohio.

I panicked as the pain rolled on.

Just for now, I needed something to really help me sleep.

I pulled open my night stand and there was a nearly empty bottle of Oxy, staring up at me.

Four pills are all that remained and so I took two of them, hoping like hell that the sleeping pill she gave me wasn't too strong.

I closed my eyes as I swallowed the pills dry.

"Dear Father, I haven't been faithful or good. I've been an adulterer and a liar. I want to get better for them, for her. Please don't let me die before I can. I love you, Jesus. Amen."

When I curled into the covers, sleep took me so quickly that I thought my heart stopped.

Only my memory was on a loop...reminding me of why I needed to fight this.

The first night I laid under him, I cried and he rolled his eyes at me. He was equal parts Russell and Puck, with a dash of Finn thrown in. I just wanted him to love me and I didn't know why.

Maybe it was a delayed reaction to my father's death even sleeping with him. We'd been messing around for a year, touches, grinding, and drunken kisses after study sessions but it wasn't until my father died that I gave into his advances.

Santana and I were so happy, I was about to be a doctor, we were getting away from Brittany but then I came home to them holding hands.

I came home to Beth seeing them holding hands and I couldn't control my anger.

It was seething.

So I went to him every single day that I could between then and when we left.

He was rough, it was about him getting off and I was just his vehicle to get off.

All of it played on a loop, the way he'd fuck me into oblivion and then the pain would allow me to cry.

For hours it seemed.

"Tell me you love me" He'd say and it would make my stomach hurt with how much I hated myself for what I was doing.

That was the beginning of the panic attacks...or at least the continuation of them.

He gave me my first Xanax and my second, and then a whole bottle.

Those pills got me through the move, through the vows renewal.

I was mad at her for staying with me, I was angry that she looked at me with so much love and couldn't see I was drowning right in front of her.

And I was livid that she was pregnant without even talking to me about it.

It hurt and so I drowned the pain...I drowned my love as much as I could because the more I loved, the more pain I had and the more drugs I took.

Over and over, my mind harped on all the ways I had been unfaithful.

I hated who I had become and I hated that she still wanted to fix things because I wasn't fixable.

The pain was back and sleep left me all at once.

My chest ached as I tried to breathe.

It was like breathing through a straw and I was freaking out over it.

"Quinn, I'm here, just try to breathe."

Her voice was hovering over me and then there were hands pulling me into a sitting position.

I was weak as I rested back against her and tried to take deep breaths but they hurt so bad.

"It hurts." I whispered as the stabbing pains in my lungs continued.

"Don't talk, just breathe. That's it, nice and slow."

I closed my eyes and tried to focus on each inhale and each exhale.

"Thank you." I said as I came down from the panic attack.

"What did you take when I left the room?" She asked and guilt plagued me, that's new.

I hadn't felt truly guilty in awhile.

"Two Oxy...what pill did you give me?"

"Tylenol with codeine."

"I shouldn't be breathing." I said as I took a shuddering breath.

"I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't be functioning but your tolerance is really high."

I nodded and then rested further against her, my face was pressed against her neck and she just continued to hold me.

"I missed this."

Her body stiffened.

"Me too."

"I need help."

"Do you really want it?"

"Yes."

"Carla is going to look after Beth and Gabe when we leave."

"Are they okay with that?"

"They are. I was honest with them this morning. I know you would have wanted to be there but Beth already knew and Gabe understands. They know you going away will means that you will get better."

I was crying against her neck, feeling a bit unhinged and thankfully she didn't loosen her grip on me.

"I'm scared, love."

"They will ease you off the pills, it's for ninety days. If I get you there tomorrow, you'll be out in time for Christmas."

"Gabriel's eleventh birthday."

"Yup."

"When do we leave?"

"Tonight after we drop the kids off and then tomorrow morning, we will go to the center."

"Did you tell anyone else?"

"No."

I brought my shaking hand up to her face and kissed her neck.

"Thank you."

After I showered, she gave me an Oxy...just one and I thanked her instead of telling her that usually I needed two to function.

It had to be enough.

The tremors were evident but I just put on a big sweatshirt and kept my hands balled into the sleeves.

I hadn't been home during a weekday in an eternity, I felt a little lost in the silence of the house.

Santana tried to not be obvious that she was watching me as she helped Sasha eat her breakfast.

I took a moment to admire those big green eyes on a face that was a miniature version of my wife.

She was over a year old and I wasn't sure I ever noticed how much her eyes looked like mine.

"She has my eyes." I said as I sat across from them.

"I picked a donor with super green eyes and prayed like hell that my recessive genes kicked in. My grandfather had green eyes and my brother too."

"That's kind of amazing how it worked out."

She smiled at Sasha and then looked over at me.

"I know this is hard but it's going to feel so good to be among the living again."

"I hope so."

"Are you hungry?" She asked and I shook my head.

"The nausea is nonstop."

"In a little while, I'll give you another pill. Just...try to be patient."

"Okay." I said, resisting the urge to go find another stash. I wanted to be healthy, I wanted to be a mom again and a wife, a lover again.

I needed to just accept the boon she was giving me.

It had to be enough.

"I love you, Santana. I'm in love with you and I'm sorry. I don't deserve you and I'm so sorry I didn't see it." I said, feeling like a ball of mush.

She reached across the table and put her hand over my sweater covered fists.

"I love you too. You're a fighter, Luce. Don't forget that."

I didn't feel like one but I nodded and then put my head down on my arms and watched as she went back to feeding Sasha.

This was what I needed to be here for, to be sober for.

It was breaking my heart how much I had missed.

And now three months without any of it,

Three months to focus on all the shit I've been carrying around for years, I was terrified.

But then Sasha giggled and Santana laughed right back.

I couldn't help but smile, the burning in my chest felt like literal ice melting from around my heart.

Right then, that steel will of mine decided to make an appearance.

I'd fight for my life, for them...for everything we should have been and for everything we will be.

I got two whole pills for the flight and I was soaring again.

All of the buzzing and burning turned all the way down but so did my emotions.

I slept against the window for most of the flight, oblivious to the world and happy to feel that way.

This was a temporary thing, I knew it but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy it.

When we touched down in Dayton, my in-laws waited for us outside of baggage claim.

I saw them through the glass window as I held Sasha on my hip.

Santana grabbed our bags and stood beside me for a moment.

"They don't know anything, Q. Not even about the cancer."

I looked at her in disbelief. Her father was a doctor, one of the best, how had she not told him?

"No way?"

"You've got no room to judge me, it's going to be a long night of talking...you up for it?"

"Don't tell them about the cancer tonight."

She looked confused but I shook my head.

"One thing at a time. Get me off to rehab, let them support us in that and then when I'm gone, tell them."

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"It's going to break their hearts, they'll be thinking about how they already lost a kid to cancer. It will be a lot for them. So tonight we fill them in on why I'm here. On what I need to do and then you tell them, over a meal or something. They're older now, Santana. One thing at a time."

"You're right. Let's go before they get worried."

We hadn't been home since the auditorium dedication four years ago.

Even still, nothing had really changed.

Lima seemed to be in a constant bubble and where I resented it as a kid, right now, I appreciated it.

What I also appreciated was that my mother lived in California and I didn't have to run the chance of seeing her before tomorrow.

I sat in the back seat and wished that I had more pills to get me through until morning but Santana didn't make it known whether or not she had anything else on her.

My hope was that there was something in the house that could help me get through the night.

I felt a grip on my hand and I looked at my wife who was eyeing me again.

"Bedtime." She said and somehow that was enough to calm me down.

I'd sleep tonight, thanks to her.

In one day she had taken all the importance of Ish out of my mind and had become my supplier.

This was hard for her, I could see how much she hated when the drugs took over but I was grateful that she was still doing it.

She knew I needed it until I got to rehab.

And when I come back home, I'd make it known to her that this love I had for her wasn't about the drugs.

It was because she was putting aside how she felt, yet again, to help me through this.

Not only was she being a good wife, she was being my best friend.

Sasha was in bed for the night when we sat down to a late dinner.

I pushed my food around my plate and avoided all eye contact.

"So, ladies, do you want to tell us what brings you back to Lima on a Monday in September."

"During the school year." Maribel threw in.

Santana nudged me and I lifted my head to see that all eyes were on me.

"I'm here for treatment." I said, looking down again.

"What she means is that-" Santana started to say but her father was persistent.

"No, Tata...let her speak...Quinn?"

I looked up into those caring eyes and found myself trapped in them.

"OxyContin and Xanax, for four years."

"I see."

"Well that's unfortunate that you find yourself here after all this time, mi'ja." I looked over at my mother-in-law and saw the tears in her eyes and I looked down at my food again.

"I um...we might be headed for divorce for all I know because that's not all I did."

"Quinn, it's fine, you don't-" Santana began and this time her mom shut her down.

"Let her speak, Santana. This is good for her, to get it out."

I was crying now, my fork back on the table as I looked into their eyes, prepared to admit that after the vows I had taken, I had betrayed their daughter and by extension, them.

"I've been having an affair since LA, he followed me to Philly and has been writing my scripts for me. I uh...it started out as jealousy and became this dependent relationship."

It was the first time I acknowledged that what I had with Ish was a relationship and the intake of air next to me from Santana told me that it hurt her.

"Okay, mi'ja, now you can talk."

"I don't have much to say. I can only focus on the addiction part right now. I can help with that but the two years before the drugs...I don't know how we'll get through it."

"But you're willing?"

"Ay, Mami, this is not the time to shrink me."

"This is a good dialogue to have, Tata. Respect your mother." Her father said, cutting off her rudeness.

Santana turned towards me and took my hand.

"If after three months sober, you still want this marriage, we will do everything, therapy even. If you're willing, then so am I."

I nodded and threw myself into her arms, weeping openly.

Fuck it. I was exposed...that's what was about to happen on the daily anyway.

She still loved me and I'd prove to her just how much I loved her too.

I barely slept, even with drugs in my system.

Rehab loomed over me and I sat up for most of the night thinking about how my life was about to be out of my control.

How I hated to feel like that.

And so around three, I shook her awake, instead of just following my instinct to leave into the night all on my alone.

She was startled as she looked at me.

"What's wrong?"

"I need you to drive me somewhere. Please?"

"Okay. Sasha's out cold for the night. I'll leave a note. Let me put some shoes on."

She was disoriented but she wasn't hesitating even a little bit.

And so twenty minutes later we found ourselves at McKinley on the field that was named after former president Sue Sylvester.

There had been some major upgrades, including a bigger fence surrounding the field.

But even in our thirties, me and Santana found our way over that fence like we did it every day.

"So, what now?" She asked as we made our way onto the track.

I turned to her and pulled her jacket until our lips were inches apart.

"I always wanted to kiss you, out on the open, right on this track." I said before I crashed my lips against hers.

She kissed me back fervently and I felt like a teenager again.

When we pulled back to catch our breaths, she had a cheesy grin.

"Was it everything you dreamed of?"

"Definitely."

We walked the track for awhile, in silence, holding hands.

Everything had changed, including us.

We'd come a long way since this field was life.

As we rounded the end-zone, I saw a tree and paused...was this it?

"Is that Finn's tree?" I asked, remembering yet another moment that I didn't come back for.

"It is. It's big, oafish and jolly green like him. Go figure."

I shot her a look and she scrunched her nose at me.

"It was an overdose you know, to think of the amount of shit our glee club went through and three drug addicts to boot."

"But I'm a surgeon, Rachel's got a Tony, Tina is killing it on Broadway, Sam's a producer, Mercedes is outpacing Beyonce, Artie's a tech billionaire, Puck is fighting overseas, even Brittany has a PhD and you are still extremely hot, the hottest milf in the game."

She glared at me.

"And I'm still finding myself."

"That's still okay, my love. Maybe after this surgery, you'll figure it out. I've seen kids go into surgery terrified and come out of it so strong and so determined to live. You'll see. I'm just sad I won't be here for it."

"You'd be so anxious and freaking me out, this is probably for the best."

"Maybe it is...but I still wish I could be there, you know my stitches are impeccable."

"Oh no, you would not be doing that. I still want to be sexy to you and that is not sexy."

I stopped us near the bleachers that housed the beginning of my pill popping back in my skank days.

"Santana Lopez, You will always be the sexist person on the planet. Nothing can change that."

"Six years, Q...it's going to take awhile for me not to feel rejected."

"I know and I hate myself for it. I do. You could have anyone but you stay with me."

"It's because you're a hot surgeon who financially supports my finding myself...duh." She joked and I rolled my eyes.

"Of course, how silly of me. I'm your McDreamy."

"Definitely."

More kisses, more love and the beginning of a reconciliation.

It was just the hope I needed to look forward to once I was stuck in rehab.

I sat in the front seat of the car as she drove us out to the rehab center.

Sasha had stayed behind with Maribel while Antonio sat in the backseat, reading the paper.

"So, do you remember back in school when you took up photography?"

"Yeah." I said, trying to focus on her, while one Xanax did nothing to quell my nerves.

"I packed your digital camera and a few memory cards. I also gave you a journal and picture of the kids."

"Honestly, love, I couldn't have asked for more." I said, as I squeezed her thigh.

"Hey now, Papi's in the back." She joked.

"You wish." I teased.

She shot a wink at me and I felt the heat in my chest again.

It was like I was remembering how much I loved her in each moment.

She was worth all of this...three months and an eternity of redemption.

We'd been through hell, I had been through hell from the moment I gave away Beth and started the downward spiral, the silent battle of making it through everything on my own by any means necessary.

I'd suppressed the best I could, just how I had been taught to do and it only made things implode.

My father lived in me and I was going to do what he never had the balls to do, get help, become a true parent, a true spouse.

For her, I'd do it all.

A/N: I can see the end coming...so very soon. :)