Can't Let Go (Adele)

SANTANA'S POV

Her eyes have always captivated me, from the first moment that we met, I found myself staring into them and losing myself.

Something about them gave me peace and solace.

Right then, though, as I looked into them in the early morning darkness of that parking lot, no peace found me.

Even though I really wanted it too and so, I didn't look away as I pulled my rings off of my finger and then held out my palm.

"Put yours there too." I said to her and she looked so broken as she looked back at me.

"Love, please...don't do this."

"These rings mean nothing, Quinn. Not after six years. If you come out of this, better and we somehow manage to salvage our relationship...these rings will just remind me of the marriage that you threw away. This ring was on your finger for six years while you let another person touch you, the way that only I should have been. So, I'm asking you to help me end what was already broken."

I had a lump in my throat as I watched her pull off the simple band she wore and gingerly place it in my palm.

"I'm sorry." She said, tears in her eyes and her body shaking.

"So you've said. Look, you should get in there, I don't want you to lose your bed."

"You're not coming inside with me?"

I shook my head as I gripped the rings in my fist and tucked it in my pocket.

"This is as far as I go until you're sober for good."

"Don't be cold...please." She begged and I just stared into those eyes, praying like hell to feel something.

Only, I didn't feel anything.

Not even anger...which felt worse than feeling anything at all.

"Work the steps, Luce. Come back as the mother that our kids deserve."

"And the wife you need...right?" She was pleading with those eyes and the tears she was so openly showing me should have stirred something but still...nothing.

"We'll see."

"Okay, I'll just go then...can I just have...one last kiss, please?"

There was the feeling, the heat of anger filled me because she had the nerve to need me still.

But I let go of the rings into the recesses of my pocket and slid my hand into her hair, pulling her face close.

"I need you to tell me something first." I whispered as I gripped her hair at the root, the anger still swirling as I stared into those eyes.

"Anything."

"Did you bring him into our home? Into our bed?"

Her response was immediate.

"Never." She looked surprised but not in the 'you caught me way', so I wasn't sure if I could believe her and I almost said as much but she continued. "He was never good enough, worthy enough to bring into our home or around our kids, let alone our bed. I wouldn't cross that line, Santana. I know you might not believe me and I shouldn't expect it but know, that he has never step foot into any of our homes. I will do everything that I can to give you everything that I never gave you before. The truth is at the top of that list."

I wanted to believe her and before I could overthink it, I pressed my lips against hers and she responded in kind.

The kiss was slow and different, like she was someone else entirely.

And I wished to God that I hadn't kissed her because the coldness returned.

Instead of looking into those eyes, I turned away from her and didn't bother looking back.

It wouldn't do either of us any good.

Papi looked at me with sad eyes as I climbed into the car and avoided looking back towards the front of the building.

"Did she go inside?" I asked him and he nodded.

"You couldn't bring yourself to check in with her?"

I dropped my head and focused on buckling into the passenger seat of the car, a place that Quinn had just vacated.

"No. I can't save her anymore, she's got to do this on her own."

"She's sick, Tata." He said, as he started up the car.

The anger boiled over.

"No. She is NOT sick. I'm sick!" I said looking at the side of his face with all the hurt that should have shown up a few minutes prior.

"I thought so." He said, calmly.

"Thought what?" I asked, confused by what he was talking about.

"That you're sick. I could see it all over you last night. I just wasn't sure if it was just the reality of Quinn's infidelities and addiction, or if it was something more."

"This isn't how I was going to talk to you...about...this." I said, looking ahead at the road.

The ride back to Lima was going to take nearly two hours and now I was going to have to deal with talking about something I was trying to ignore.

"It's too late for that, should I pull over?" He asked as we neared the highway.

"Maybe."

We sat in a park, watching kids play while their mother's watched from not too far off.

Papi had his arm around me and didn't say a word, waiting instead for me to break his heart.

"I have breast cancer. It's aggressive but as of now, it's stage 2."

He let out a shaky breath and then covered his face with his hands.

My Papi is a mountain of a man, who has rarely cried in front of me but just then, everything changed.

I rubbed at his back and he cried harder, I didn't know what to do.

After a few minutes of him trying to get it together and me just staring in awe as he broke down, he finally looked at me, eyes bloodshot and face a bit swollen.

"Can I assume that you have a plan for your treatment?" He asked, putting on the mask of a doctor but his eyes weren't fooling me.

This hurt him deep but he's a facts man, so I didn't hesitate to answer.

"After a lot of thought and undergoing months of chemo and radiation, I want a mastectomy. I may choose reconstruction but I'm not sure yet. I was going to sit Quinn down and talk about it, have her help me with this decision as a doctor and my wife but then everything went to shit."

"Do the kids know?"

"Beth does, she knows everything."

"Do you want me and your Mami to come back to Philadelphia with you, help you take care of the kids while you undergo everything?"

"No." I shook my head and he looked hurt.

"Oh okay. I understand."

"No, Papi, you don't, I'm staying in Lima with you and Mami. I'm going to send for the kids and we are going to start fresh."

"So you're done in the city, then?"

"I hate who I've become and I hate who she has become. We need a reset and there's no better place than where it all started."

"And your treatment?"

"I was hoping that you'd be with me through everything. Talk to the doctors, oversee my care and if I'm unable to make decisions, I'd like you to be the one to do that."

"I'm more than happy too but Quinn is still your wife."

"I know and when the time comes, she'll understand."

"This is going to break your mother's heart, after losing your Abuela earlier this year and now this, she's going to take this very hard."

"Will you help me talk to her?"

"Without question. You're shivering, lets get home."

"I love you, Papi."

"I love you, Santana." He said, pulling me into his tight embrace.

And finally, after a morning of feeling much of nothing, I felt the dam break and I cried so hard against him.

A few kids were looking at us strangely but no one bothered us.

It felt good to fully feel again, this space from Quinn was going to be good for me.

30 Days Later...

"Do you have everything that you need?" I asked Beth as I sat alone in my bedroom, after a full day of chemo. The nausea hadn't hit yet and so when Beth called, I answered while I still had the chance.

"Yes Mami, I went down your check list thrice. Our school records should already be there and our bags are in the car."

"How's Gabe?"

"He's okay, this has been so hard on him but I think once he gets to see you in person, he'll get over this little bratty thing he's been doing for the last month. Two fights and a in-school suspension is just not like him."

"He'll get it together. Is there anything else that I need to know?"

Beth got quiet and so did I as the pounding headache that usually preceded the vomiting began.

"There's one thing."

"What?"

"Did she call you, too?"

It took me a moment to understand what she was talking about.

"Who, your mother?"

"Yeah."

"No. She called you?"

"While I was in class, she left a voicemail. She sounded...different."

"What did she say?"

"It was short. She said that today was the first day that she was allowed to talk to anyone. That she just wanted to hear my voice. She said that she was allowed to make calls two days a week, in front of her counselor."

"Yeah, sounds about right."

"I'm surprised that she hasn't called you."

"She probably doesn't think I want her too."

"Why? You said that you two left things in a good place."

I felt embarrassed to admit it but she had to know the truth.

"I took her ring back."

"What?! Mami, why?"

"You know why, kiddo."

"That's...wow. Yeah, she is probably afraid to call you."

My stomach started rolling.

"Kiddo, I gotta...I'm...I gotta go. Gonna be sick."

"Okay, go handle that, Mami. Call me later."

"Yeah." I hung up and quickly grabbed the bucket by my bed.

And that's how Papi found me.

I wanted to be the one to meet my kids at the airport the next morning but I hadn't stopped throwing up and walking was a daunting task.

So Mami and Sasha went, leaving Papi to look over me as I slept.

I hated this.

He wanted me to try to beat this without the mastectomy.

And so I was trying like hell but it just didn't seem to be working.

Not fast enough, anyway.

I was sweating as I laid there staring up at the ceiling, remembering how many times I had laid in that same spot, commiserating over something stupid.

Life is so pointless until you're fighting to stay alive.

Every good thing you get to experience becomes a gift.

Including being strong enough to hold your baby, which I hadn't been able to do in way too long.

And for the first time, I missed my wife.

For the first time in a month, I craved her touch and her voice.

The tears came in one of those moments when Papi had left me alone to rest, only I was sobbing instead.

My cries were weak and strangled as I sobbed for her.

And then, a day after she'd called Beth, my phone rang.

I answered but didn't have the voice to speak.

"Santana?" She said, sounding meek and worried. "Are you there?"

I finally found my voice.

"Yeah?"

"Is this okay, me calling?"

"Yes." I said, louder, the cry in my voice evident.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes." I whispered as more tears came. "How's it there?"

"Hard but good. I've been back in my wheelchair for a few weeks now. My body is still adjusting to pain and uh...my back took it the worst."

I remembered how insecure she'd been in that chair and how hard not walking had been, more tears came then.

"I'm sorry.I shouldn't have pushed you." I whined.

"That was an accident, Love, why are you crying? Talk to me. Please?"

"I just...chemo is hard and I miss you." I admitted, not caring how stupid and desperate I sounded.

"Oh baby, I wish I was there with you. I wish I was the one taking care of you."

"Me too." I squeaked.

"But I'm here, praying everyday for you. Longing for you and hoping that in fifty nine more days, I'll be able to hold you again."

"The kids will be here today."

"Oh good, at least you'll have Beth and she's basically me, so you'll have something to hold you over."

"Did you get my letter?" I asked and she got quiet.

"Yes but I've been afraid to open it until today. Did you mean it?"

"Every word."

"I love you, Santana."

"I love you too."

"I'm working the steps, I'm writing, I'm taking pictures...I'm finding myself again."

"Good." I felt a warmth in my chest as her voice calmed the frayed parts of my soul.

"Someday soon, when you're well enough, I'd like it if you visited me...and if you're willing, you'll bring the kids?"

"I'd like that."

"I'm reaching my time for today, know that I'm here, love. You are a fighter, it's what I love about you. Don't give in, you keep fighting okay?"

"Okay."

"Talk to you soon, love."

"Bye, Luce."

"Bye, babylove."

I fell into a restful sleep after the call ended, feeling a happiness in my soul that had left me.

Time away from her and being deathly sick put some things into perspective.

Our lives had been tainted by so many things but we LOVED each other still.

Beth was right, she did sound different...she sounded like that girl that came and pulled me out of that bar.

She sounded like the Quinn I fell in love with.

I couldn't let this be the end of us.

We'd fought so hard to be together and to give up like this, well, I couldn't.

I mean, it would take time to trust her again but the love was still solid.

Marriage was nothing without trust and so maybe we just didn't get remarried.

Maybe we worked on fixing what was broken, instead of breaking it to fix it again.

It felt like the sucker's way out but I didn't care.

When I jerked awake, awhile later, it was nearly dark out and I found myself surrounded.

Beth's arms were wrapped around my waist and curled against my chest was Gabriel...both of them were sleeping.

Comforting me.

How blessed was I?

Our kids couldn't break up with Quinn, they couldn't ignore her being their mother and so it shouldn't be easy for me to just forget that she is my wife like she had.

For them, I needed to fight.

They needed the example of fighting for your relationship instead of giving up when things got hard.

I loved her. That was all that mattered.

What would change though, if I made it through this thing, would be our dynamic.

It was time for her to save us, to hold us together...in the meantime, I can't just let go.

Not yet.

A/N: I'm having one of those heavy, dark, soul sucking days. They hit me more often after the grandparents...so if this is heavy and dark, please just bear with me. Light is on the other side. :)