Run To You (Lea Michele)
QUINN'S POV
I didn't crave the drugs for the high anymore, just for the constant pain.
For years, I had neglected my back as if I didn't have a rod holding everything together.
And now, all the falls and nights spent on my feet at work and that last hard hit against the bookshelf were coming back full force.
I was now at the point where I couldn't get out of bed on my own.
They had called in a nurse to help me each day, like I was some sort of invalid and it was making me feel like shit.
But Santana was fighting cancer.
Anytime I got down on myself, I reminded myself that at least I was alive to feel pain while my wife was fighting any pain just to live, all while raising our kids and worrying about me.
With that in mind, I push past the pain and stay in my chair all day, rather than asking to go back to bed and allowing myself to sink into a deep depression.
And when I feel like I could pass out from the strain of it all, I ask for help.
I ask for the relief only drugs can bring and even though the doses of medicine they give me are only a quarter of what I had been on before, they were starting to give me some semblance of relief.
Thankfully.
I waited anxiously for my next time slot for a phone call for seven days, all the time wanting nothing more than to find out just how Santana and the kids were.
There was this deep foreboding in my chest and I didn't like how angry and on edge it put me.
So when that time finally came, I rolled my ass down the hallway to my counselor, Doug's office and waited for him to open the door.
He stood above me with a small smile but I didn't even bother returning it.
"You have your first visitors today."
"Is it my wife?"
"No."
"Then send them home, I just want to talk to her."
"Quinn they came all this way for you, see your visitors first, then your phone call after."
"Fine." I grumbled, backing up so he could lead the way to the meeting room.
He walked beside me instead of pushing me because he knew how much I hated that.
I brushed my fingers through my hair and smoothed out my clothes before moving through the door he was holding open.
"Wait for me." He said as he closed the door and so I did.
Once we were inside the second hallway, he crouched down so we were eye to eye.
"What now?"
"Just like the phone calls, I will be in the room and unless you need me, I will just be quietly observing."
"Yeah, I wouldn't expect anything less. Can we go in now and get this over with?"
"Lead the way."
I knew I was being bitchy but the pills were wearing off and I just wanted to talk to her.
This extra waiting didn't seem fair.
I moved into the room with Doug hovering behind me and felt immediate shame, something that I hadn't felt at any point in this process.
Rachel and Beth sat on a couch, both looking surprised to see me in the chair.
Santana had obviously not spoken about our phone call.
We had told Beth about my accident once she got her driver's permit and let it be a life lesson about texting and driving.
But I hadn't shown her pictures of me during that time in my life, she'd only known about the chair but had never seen me in one.
"Hi." I said, not quite sure what else to say.
"Oh Mama." Beth said, coming over to me and putting her hands on my shoulders. "You look beautiful."
I reached a hand up to her cheek as she leaned closer.
"Not as gorgeous as you, I missed you, Sweets."
"Can I hug you?" She asked and I tried not to feel hurt by her need to ask.
"Of course."
She looked confused on how to hug me but I held my arms out and she just draped herself over me, her chin coming to rest on my shoulder.
"How is she?" I asked and she immediately stiffened. "Don't lie to me, Beth." I said, tightening the hug so she couldn't pull away.
"Not good, she wanted to be here but she's in the hospital."
"How long?"
"She's been there for two days."
When she pulled back she lingered, taking a moment to wipe at the tears that had come without my realizing it.
"I'm sorry. I'm a mess." I said, wiping at my face and then looking at Rachel. "No hug?" I asked and she was on her feet at once.
It'd been years since we had last seen each other and while the years had me strung out, marriage and life had been kind to her.
She wrapped me in a tight hug and didn't say a word.
Doug sat in the corner with his notepad, taking notes as I managed to move myself to the couch next to Beth...with Rachel's help of course.
She was watching me like a hawk, still not speaking and I knew if she didn't say something soon, I'd snap at her too.
"What brings you here, Rachel?"
"I'm home for a bit, thought I'd check in at the school and with the few people who are still here."
"Jesse wanted to come home, didn't he?" I asked, chuckling.
"Yeah, Vocal Adrenaline reunion."
"Which you skipped."
"Absolutely, I love him but I'm still team New Directions."
"Oh, Rach, you never change.
"That's a good thing. So, Mercedes called me and told me Santana was sick and she knew I was home and wanted me to check on her. So I went to visit, got a reluctant smile from your wife and when Beth wanted to get here to see you, I offered to drive her. Santana's parents are preoccupied with the kids and watching over her so it was really no problem. I missed you anyway."
"Still rambling, huh?"
"Only in front of my high school friends, I revert. Sorry."
"No." I put a hand on her thigh and smiled. "I'm grateful that you came and that you brought Beth."
Rachel smiled and opened her arms for another hug and I leaned into it.
Surprisingly.
"So tell me everything, Sweets...the good, the bad, the ugly." I said to Beth and watched a million emotions play on her face.
"Sasha is talking way more these days and in one month has mastered potty training." Beth smiled.
"That's so great, I bet that was your Abuela's doing?"
"Yup, she was tired of changing diapers."
"I bet. What about Gabriel?"
"He um...he's not himself. Before we left the city he got in trouble, some fights and now here he's being a bit of bully. Abuelo tries to set him straight but I don't think anyone can get through to him like you or Mami and she's way too sick to bother about it."
"Ugh...the next time you bring him to me. Okay?"
"Are you sure?" She asked, surprised.
"Absolutely. I'll talk to him."
"Okay."
"What about you, have you been dealing with the miscarriage, alright?"
Rachel gasped and looked over at Beth in shock.
"Seriously, a two hour ride and you didn't think to mention that tidbit?"
"Because I'm over it, seriously. I'm okay. Mami told Abuela and she has made sure to check in with me at least every other day."
"And school?"
"Way easier than Philly. Mami wanted me at McKinley but I am so not interested in that place. I chose Catholic school, it's what I know and they are pretty much the same anywhere."
"I'm surprised, you like singing."
"Yeah, but not in front of people. I know I have a good voice but I want to keep it to myself for now."
"That's perfectly fine, Sweets."
"Not according to Rachel." She huffed.
I looked at Rachel and she shrugged.
"Like you said, I don't change. She's got a beautiful voice, I had to try."
"I don't blame you." I said and Rachel smiled.
Beth threw her hands up, "Maybe sometime in the future but right now, I am going through way too much to even bother. I just want to keep my grades up. Yale won't care how beautiful my voice is if my grades suck."
"That's my girl." I said taking her hand and holding it in my lap.
She was beaming after that.
I was dedicated to being the mom she deserved and that meant more smiles, more affection.
And sooner rather than later, I had about three years left before she was off on her own, I had a lot to make up for.
"So...Mami, then...that's the bad and the ugly."
I took a deep breath, looked over at Doug and he gave me that head tilt that he usually did when it seemed like I was going to break apart.
"Do you need to stop?" He asked.
"No. I need to know everything."
He nodded and gestured for Beth to continue.
"They found a new lump in her other breast, Abuelo had convinced her to wait on the mastectomy and once they found the lump she decided that she was having the surgery. Only she currently has pneumonia, so they put it on hold."
"Why has no one run this stuff by me?"
Beth shrugged. "You're here. She's there. It would be really hard to wait on everything until you were available."
I turned towards Doug.
"You hear that, she needs me."
"And in two months you'll be able to go to her."
"Wait...what's today's date?" I asked looking over at Beth.
"October 23rd."
"Come on Doug, it's her birthday in a few days. Maybe I can go for a week or so and come right back."
He looked at me for a long moment and then down at his notepad.
"You signed up for 90 days, knowing you'd miss her birthday and thanksgiving. What kind of example does that set if I let you leave early?"
"Not early, take a break. Besides, have a heart, my wife has cancer, Doug, my kid is acting out and the only person that can hold my family together is me. I know it's unorthodox to break but I'm begging here."
"Fine, one week but I expect to hear from you every day, and I'll be making random calls. While you're there, you can get your spine checked out that will be your official reason for taking a break in treatment...I will call ahead and inform the doctors that you are to have absolutely NO narcotics or painkillers other than aspirin. If you can agree to that, I'll sign you out for seven days."
"Deal."
"Will you be taking her home?" He asked Rachel who looked nerve racked.
"Um...yes. I don't know how Santana is going to feel about it but I will take her."
"Well then we should get you out of here before dinner and everyone starts swarming the halls."
"Thank you, Doug, seriously." I said, finally returning his smile and that seemed to make him calm down a bit after this I HAD to be nicer to him.
I sat in the front seat of Rachel's car with my fingers clenched,
Santana would be pissed, I had left rehab after 35 days but I needed to see her.
I needed to BE with her.
Whether she liked it or not, I needed to see for myself what was going on and help wherever I could.
"Should I give the Abuelos the head's up?"
"No. Don't say anything, Sweets, not yet."
"Okay, Gabe is going to freak. I hope you can fix him, I'm actually starting to miss my sweet little brother."
"I'll do my best."
"Do you think you'll be in that chair for a lot longer?" She asked.
"I hope not. I mean I can walk it just feels like I'm walking on knives when I do."
"Ouch."
"Exactly."
"Did you want me to take you straight to the hospital?"
"Yes, Rachel and don't worry, she won't bite your head off, I'll put it all on me."
"Yeah, Rachel, if Mami is going to blame anyone it will be me for letting Mama leave that place."
"True, see, Rach, you have nothing to worry about."
"Let's hope so."
We pulled up to the front of the hospital and Rachel rushed to get the wheelchair out of the trunk, leaving me alone with Beth finally.
"I need a favor, Sweets."
"Okay?"
"When we get upstairs, I need you to leave me alone with your Mami."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes and I may ask you to help me into her bed...okay?"
"Okay."
"And then and only then, can you tell your grandparents...if by chance they aren't there already."
"Got it."
Rachel yanked the door open and looked at me with nervous eyes as she put the wheelchair as close as possible.
"Would you be okay with me leaving you guys here?"
I smiled at her, she didn't want to deal with an angry Santana and I didn't blame her.
"That's fine, can you hold the chair steady?"
"Right! Sorry."
Beth stood by anxiously as I got settled in the chair, my overnight bag was thrown over her shoulder and her phone was clutched in her hands.
"Do you want me to push you?" She asked once Rachel got back in her car and sped off.
"Actually, yes. That would be great."
Beth hummed as we came out on the ICU floor.
"Just a heads up, she is even more skinny than before and her hair is just about gone, she refuses to not wear a scarf on her head and have her eyebrows penciled in, I've been doing that for her."
"I'm sure it's fabulous. Her hair fell out fast though, how harsh is her treatment."
"I thought the same thing but she reminded me that she had been going through treatment for a few months before we got here."
"Yeah. I should have seen it, instead I was wasting time on stupid things and people."
"Don't beat yourself up now, you came home to help her fight and fix Gabe, you don't have time to be a martyr or be sad. Save that for rehab. She needs good vibes only."
I looked up at my mature girl and as she looked at me sternly with her eyebrow raised, I couldn't help but appreciate the woman that Santana had raised her to become.
"Right, sorry.
"It's fine. Just...good vibes, okay. We're here."
We stopped outside a glass room with the blinds drawn.
Beth peeked through a gap and smiled.
"You're in luck, she's alone. I'll get you in there and then stand out here for when Abuelo shows up."
"Okay."
After sanitizing our hands, Beth pushed me into the room and right up to the bed.
Santana looked impossibly tiny as she slept. The doctor in me hadn't disappeared because I was looking at her vitals and then was looking towards her chart.
"Hand me that." I whispered to Beth and she grabbed the chart at the bottom of the bed.
"Am I helping you into the bed?"
"Only if she wants me up there, now let me see the chart?"
Beth handed it over and then walked to the other side of the bed and took Santana's hand in hers.
"Mami?" She whispered and I repressed the urge to glare because I wasn't ready to deal with Santana yet.
I looked at the chart and saw that her stats were improving, although she still had a ways to go before any kind of surgery.
"Hmm." She grunted, her eyes still closed.
"Open your eyes."
"Why? Just fell asleep."
Beth stared at me and raised her eyebrow.
I reached over and took Santana's other hand, bringing it to my lips and kissing her soft skin.
Santana's eyes shot open and she looked at me, her eyes taking me in, chair and all.
"Now?" Beth asked.
"Yeah, now's good."
"Be nice, Mami."
"I'll do what I want."
Beth didn't bother following up her comment she just came around and pushed me closer to the bed before leaving us alone.
Santana's eyes were looking me over and her lips were quivering a bit.
She was holding back tears and so was I.
"Don't be mad. I had to see you, I'm going back in 7 days but right now, I needed to be here." I said, squeezing her hand for emphasis.
I expected her to be angry but she smiled softly.
"Thank you."
"You're not mad at me?"
"No."
"Good. I hear Gabriel needs a talking to and I also need to get my back checked out, maybe get a more comfortable chair in the meantime."
"Okay."
"You want me to come up there?" I asked and she nodded.
And so without calling Beth, I pulled myself to my feet.
The pain was so immense that I thought I might pass out but I knew it was temporary.
I climbed up onto the bed and squeezed in next to my wife who was way too small these days.
She curled against my chest and let out a sigh.
"I'm scared." She whispered.
"I know, love, so am I."
"No one has been brave enough to admit that except Papi."
"I promised you honesty."
"Thank you."
"I love you and I'm here." I said and she snuggled deeper.
"I love you too."
Pop showed up a little while later when Santana had drifted back to sleep.
When our eyes met he smiled.
"You came."
"I did."
"She needed you, I could see the fight going away...like she is ready to just give in."
"I saw it too." I admitted.
He looked around for her chart and I pointed to my chair.
"I couldn't help myself."
He chuckled.
"Me either."
"I have to go back next Sunday, would you mind taking me back?"
"Of course not, mi'ja. I'm glad you are going back."
"I needed to be here just as much as I needed to be there. I've wasted too much time putting her on the back burner."
"I'm glad you realize that."
"I don't think I'll forget it either."
"Beth tells me that you're in a lot of pain." He said as he sat in the chair next to my wheelchair.
"I'm managing okay." I said, as I pulled the blanket up over Santana, who was beginning to shiver as she burrowed deeper against my side.
"You just flinched." He whispered.
"It's fine."
"No it's not, you ignore the pain, you'll be back on drugs." Santana grumbled as her hand found my lower back under my sweater. "You can admit it hurts...honesty remember."
She kept her eyes closed as she gently rubbed my back, the coolness of her hand soothing the burning ache.
I looked down at her face and then back at Pop.
"I need a CT and maybe an MRI."
"I'll make it happen as soon as possible."
"Thank you."
Not long after that, Maribel showed up all smiles even if she was glaring a bit.
"Should you be in that bed?" She scolded.
"Yes, she should." Santana said, eyes still closed as she held onto me, her arm thrown over my waist. "Don't argue with the sick one."
"Don't be a brat." I said and she actually cracked a smile.
"I'll do what I want."
The door cracked open and a nurse popped in.
"Dr. Lopez." She said and in unison, my inlaws and myself all responded.
"Yes?"
She looked a bit thrown off but then actually looked at me.
"Quinn Lopez."
"Yes."
"Dr. Adams called and had tests scheduled. If you'd like we can get you down to CT right now."
I wanted to turn her down because I had JUST gotten here but I knew that Santana wasn't going to allow that.
"Go but come right back." She said, finally opening her eyes to look at me.
There was a yellow tint to them and I looked over to her father because I hadn't seen any issues with her liver.
"I'll go but you should have a workup done, just to see how everything is going."
I didn't want to panic her but from the look that her father and I shared, he knew I saw something.
And so he nodded and then came over and held out his arm.
"Let me help you back down."
"Thank you." I sighed, having no issue with any help being offered.
It was one thing to let Doug touch me, after Ish, I didn't want any man to touch me but this was Pop...essentially my father, he could do what he wanted, with him I would always be safe and I thanked God for him.
Who was I to argue?
Four hours of testing later, they wanted to admit me and I was pissed about it because I knew that there was no way they would let me be in the ICU with Santana.
I waged a protest and because my last name carried weight at this hospital that had a whole wing named after Alma courtesy of Antonio, they decided to call the board.
Luckily for me, my father-in-law was on the board.
So after a half hour of fighting, I was wheeled back to her room.
Santana was sitting up eating pudding while a nurse changed her IV, looking more alert and content than earlier.
"Hey sugarbear." She said to me cheerfully.
"Hey love."
"All better?"
I looked at the nurse and she smiled.
"She's on morphine for the pain."
I nodded and then sat parked at the end of her bed while they got my bed set up.
Santana looked to the other side of the room and then at me.
"You staying?"
"Apparently, I need surgery, love."
"Oh." Santana's eyes were comically large and thankfully not as yellow as before.
"What pain is it she was feeling?" I asked the nurse and she took a beat, not sure who I was.
"I'm her wife, it's fine if you tell me."
Santana looked at the nurse and nodded.
"That's my wife, she's hot right and get this, a doctor! A surgeon, so hot, right?"
"Oh, you're the other Dr. Lopez, the last nurse was telling me that there are three."
"That's me."
"Well then, we had to drain her lung, it was swelling to the point of fracturing a rib. She's better now as you can see. It was a strange side effect to one of her medications...it was also affecting her liver. So Dr. Lopez had us switch it and she is making a full recovery just like that."
"Wow. That's great news."
"I'm amazed actually, I haven't seen her like this since she got here."
I didn't want to take credit for this turn around...at least out loud.
"It's because my wife is here." Santana said, nonchalantly as she cleaned her cup. "MMMM, can I have another one, I'm starving."
"Of course, I'll go get that, Dr. Lopez it was a pleasure meeting you."
She winked at me and I just smiled before turning my attention to my wife.
"Did you see that?" I asked.
She nodded.
"She was flirting because you're hot. I'm not jealous, you don't like blondes anyway."
"Sure don't."
"I missed you. Can you come back to bed, now?"
"In a little bit love, I need to sit here for awhile." I admitted, my back was currently numb and I wanted to enjoy that for as long as possible.
I sat by her bedside while she ate dinner and when it was time for her to rest and she could only lay flat on her back, I held her hand because laying with her wasn't allowed for a few days.
Seeing her like this, so fragile, killed me but I was so happy to be there.
Just before visiting hours were over, Pop showed up with a hand on Gabriel's shoulder.
The first thing I noticed was the fresh black eye he was sporting and then the bruising on his knuckles.
"A fight." I said and he looked at me with hard eyes until I raised an eyebrow.
"He started it."
I patted my lap.
"Come sit."
That's when he noticed the chair and all that false bravado went away.
Just like Santana, when confronted with reality, straight cinnamon roll.
"Are you okay?" He asked as he hesitantly climbed on my lap.
"I will be, what about you? Do you like having your beautiful face messed up?"
He shook his head.
"No but he had it coming."
"How so?"
"He called me a dirty nig-" He began to say and I shook my head.
"I get it...why didn't tell an adult."
"I did and they didn't believe me. I hate it here, I just want to go home!"
I looked at Pop and he looked livid.
"Gabriel, what he said was wrong. It was racist and unfortunately that's how this town is. It's not right and it's not fair that no one listened to you. What I will say is that maybe your teachers are tired of the trouble you have been causing and thought this was just another trouble making thing. It's not acceptable and I'll have a talk with them but in the meantime, you need to be on your best behavior. I know I'm not here and I know your Mami is sick but the last thing we need is you to stop being the amazing kid you've always been."
"Okay."
"Gabe." Santana rasped, her head turned towards him.
"Yes, Mami?"
"I've been there, I've been called so many names in this town I could fill book. They want you to fight them, it's what they expect, you hear me...they think you're an animal and if you act like one you are just proving them right."
He was crying at that point and nodding.
"I'm sorry. It's just hard not to fight."
"Trust me, I know, Papito but you have to go high when they go low."
"It's not fair."
"No, Gabe, it's not."
"I just want things back to how they used to be."
"Me too." I said, brushing his tears off of his cheeks. "Soon enough, your Mami will feel much better and I'll be done with my program and then hopefully, we can go home."
I caught Antonio shooting Santana a look and then a silent conversation seemed to happen but I chose to ignore it just then.
"But Mami said we were never going back, Beth too."
I looked at Santana and for the first time, her happiness towards me hardened and I remembered why Philly was now a sore spot.
Because of me.
I gave my son a generic answer and soon enough visiting hours were over and I was being ushered to my bed.
Santana hadn't said a word, she just stared at the ceiling with a scowl on her face.
It wasn't until the lights were out that she spoke.
The need for morphine long gone.
"Did you really tell him we'd never go back without talking it over with me first?"
"Yes because at that moment I was sure we were getting divorced."
"And now?"
"Now I'm not so sure."
"If not going back to Philly is what you need for us to start fresh, even if it means uprooting our family again, then that's we'll do."
"I might die, Quinn and the last thing I want is you going back there and falling in love with him and together you forget about me and he ends up raising our kids."
I sighed. The idea of such a thing sounding preposterous.
"You're not going to die. You are going to have that surgery and continue treatment until you're in remission. Then, we will pick a place to live, I can be a doctor anywhere. No one will ever raise your kids for you but me especially not him."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because I don't want anyone else."
She laughed, it wasn't joyful but harsh and mean.
"Right."
"He symbolizes drugs for me, not love. Any longing stares or rushed conversations were about my need to be high. That two years before...really one year because sex didn't just happen between us...it was the worst mistake of my life next to giving up my child and getting on that fucking Ferris Wheel. I will never be worthy of you because of it. I know that. You know that and even the kids know that but I'm never going to stop trying. I'm never walking away...or rolling. You are IT for me, Santana."
"So you don't love him?"
"No."
"So if we went back to Philly...you wouldn't fall back into old habits?"
"I don't see that happening either. I thought I'd hate being sober...because you were right, I don't know the kids like I should, I don't know you like I should, not anymore and I thought it was easier to just coast but now, I want everything. I want to be apart of all the stories and I want to know what the right thing to say is. I want us to be the kind of parents they look back on when they are raising their kids and say that they had the greatest example."
"That's admirable."
"It is but I think it's also achievable, at least with Gabriel and Sasha."
"And Beth too, she's growing up way too fast but she still looks at you like a God, Quinn. I'm her Mami, her best friend but you are her idol and you have failed to see that for so long."
I felt the coolness of tears slide off my face.
"I want to be better."
"I think you're already on your way there, Luce. I think if you stay on the right path we can have the best marriage ever."
"Nothing would make me happier...except maybe a working back."
"And no cancer."
"Yes and no cancer."
"I think we have a shot, Q."
"You and me both, babylove. Now get some rest...some of us have surgery in the morning." I said, not too happy that it was me instead of her. My surgery could have waited but hers needed to happen as soon as possible and I may have won my fight to be in her room now but once I am fresh out of back surgery, there was no way.
She was snoring a few minutes later, her breathing lulling me closer to sleep.
My mind was moving a mile a second until I drifted off, dreaming about our plans, our dreams, and everything that the future held.
A/N: My loves, that was not foreshadowing. I promise. Lots of words, a surprisingly amazing chapter song courtesy of Lea Michele...and a bigger glimpse of light. All in all...I think I did well. Review and tell me, what is something we NEED to see before it's all said and done? Love ya lots!