You Should Be Here (Kehlani)
SANTANA'S POV
A Year Ago...
"Please stop crying baby, I'm so sorry." I was at my wit's end.
Sasha was bathed, had a clean diaper on, now I was pressing a bottle to her lips that she refused to take.
I'd been breastfeeding her since the first moment she latched on in that bathtub.
We'd been through a wild ride, me and her but this one wasn't so much wild as it was frustrating.
"Mami?" Beth poked her head through the doorway looking as exhausted as I felt.
It was the middle of the night and the kids were headed back to school after winter break tomorrow.
They should be able to sleep, especially since Sasha had already been around for six months, they were used to her.
But lately, things with her had gotten harder with my body not cooperating with what I needed it to do...
And then I was crying as I held her screaming body.
"Take her!" I cried and Beth didn't hesitate as she strode into the room and took her sister into her arms.
It was like magic.
Sasha immediately calmed down, going from screams to whimpers in a matter of seconds.
"Turncoat." I grumbled as I handed Beth the bottle.
She sat in the rocker across from the bed and began to talk sweetly to the baby as she tried to get her to eat.
It had been days since my breasts just up and stopped producing.
And I had tried everything to make milk happen but nothing was working.
The doctor had said my ducts were probably blocked.
His nurse said it might be something more.
Whatever it was, it was way too painful to even try and let her latch on.
I had an appointment the next morning but for now, I just needed her to eat.
After what seemed like an eternity, Beth had finally succeeded.
She sang so softly to Sasha as she rocked and I instantly started to feel better.
Finally.
I thought nothing of it as they gave me ultrasounds and then gave me a prescription to help the let down.
My body and mind were so tired, I just needed some relief...some help.
Quinn came home that night after working a double and barely spoke to me.
I wanted to talk to her about this...hoping she'd be able to help.
But she threw herself into bed and was dead to the world.
Sasha was at least taking the bottle today, for the most part since my boobs just would not give.
And my God they hurt, especially when she started crying!
I put Sasha in her crib and then crawled back into bed, hoping to get some sleep next to my wife, which was a rare occurrence these days.
My eyes had just started to get heavy when the phone rang.
Quinn grumbled in her sleep and slapped the night stand, trying her best to turn off the nonexistent alarm.
"Hello?" I whispered as I climbed out of the bed and went into the bathroom.
"Mrs. Lopez?"
"Yes."
"The doctor would like you to come back in today for a follow up."
"Seriously? Can't she just talk to me over the phone?"
"Unfortunately, no, can I schedule you for mid morning or afternoon?"
"I guess mid morning is fine." I grumbled.
"Okay, we will see you around 10:30, is that alright?"
"Yeah."
"Great. See you then."
I hung up, feeling annoyed that I had to go all the way to Broad street in the freezing cold of January.
And even though Quinn was here, I knew that there was no way she'd let me leave the baby.
Not with her habit of zoning out and ignoring everything around her.
But I still tried.
God knows I tried to wake her and ask but she was dead to the world.
"Did you say tumors as in multiple?" I asked, feeling sick to my stomach as I rocked my sleeping baby.
"Yes and I'd like to get biopsies as soon as possible."
"How soon?"
"If you're willing, we could do it within the next few days."
"And I guess I can't bring the baby."
"That would be wise and if you could bring someone for support."
"NO. I won't worry anyone until I absolutely have to."
"Are you sure that's best?"
"It's what's best for me."
"Okay."
"And so that's it...no more breastfeeding then."
"No but we can attempt to drain them a bit."
"You can do that?"
"Yes."
"So no milk for the baby, anymore?"
"It will only get more painful as the tumors grow and shift."
"But they could be benign?"
"Possibly."
"Okay, let's schedule an appointment."
"You are a Godsend, Carla...thank you so much!"
"It's no problem, you know how much I love my bumpkin."
This was the first time that I was leaving Sasha with anyone other than Beth and it was killing me but this was important.
For two days I had tried so hard to talk to Quinn about it...I tried to ask her to be with me but she just wasn't here...not mentally anyway.
And so I let her go off to work this morning, to work another double knowing that I really had no choice but to go it alone.
When the doctor saw me come in solo, she shook her head at me but didn't say much else.
"Let's get this over with."
Famous last words.
It took everything in me to be still as she stuck needles in my already sensitive breasts.
And it took everything in me not to cry as she delivered the news to me only a few days later.
We'd caught it early.
There was nothing to worry about.
My survival rate was good.
But then things started to get harder.
I had beat it though.
Six months and I beat it!
The happiness lasted only a short time.
Like two months short.
There'd been a motherfucker hiding.
They'd missed it.
And it was aggressive.
So fucking invasive.
Stage 2...more drugs.
More radiation.
But I kept my head up.
My kids needed me to be their rock and not even cancer could keep me from being there for them.
Someone had to be and it seemed Quinn wasn't up for the task.
Every day, more and more it was like I married Russell.
I was bent over the toilet one afternoon, puking my guts up, it'd been a hard day.
Chemo and radiation.
So many drugs I felt like my head was spinning.
Quinn came home smelling like a man again...while I hunched there.
She asked me if I had gone off and gotten pregnant without her again.
I told her I was sick.
And the great Dr. Quinn, gave me a cold pack and some left medicine on the counter before using the hall shower.
That was it...I continued to be sick and she just turned up the television louder.
My heart ached for her but I didn't have time to fight her on it.
I didn't want to deal with it.
Not when I had so many other things.
I tabled it.
Hoped it wouldn't have to come to me telling her about the Cancer for her to be faithful.
My instincts had me wanting to call Mami and Papi or at least Brittany but I stayed quiet.
Only Carla noticed because she said I looked like I was on drugs again.
And I had to fess up.
I was on drugs...just not the pleasurable kind.
She was like a tick after that.
Watching Sasha just so I could rest or sneaking into my chemo sessions.
It was the first time I realized why the doctors pushed for a support system.
And it was when I really started to resent my wife.
God, how I needed her.
I missed her.
All I knew was that if I ever had the chance to kick this thing,
I would do everything in my power to make sure she never made me feel so inadequate again.
QUINN'S POV
The second surgery didn't do much.
It took away the intense nerve pain in the parts of my legs that I could feel.
And days later when I tried to stand, it was fruitless.
IF I walked again without any support, it would be a lot of work and a lot of time.
Time I wasn't sure I had.
The days post surgery were the hardest.
Not a single person visited me other than Santana.
Her parents had been ghosts since she had been discharged and my kids were sick of being in hospitals.
So for most of the days left in Lima, I sat there researching.
Being a doctor develops habits in you.
If you have nagging questions, you research...and my spine being fused, tied with the back brace I was stuck in, should warrant at least the ability to stand.
Only, I couldn't.
Something was off.
It couldn't just be so cut and dry as this.
Because...well I wasn't necessarily Artie Abrams paralyzed.
In fact, my initial spinal injury was much worse than this situation and yet I eventually walked for years, until now.
It just didn't seem right.
And then there was my wife.
She was giving as good as she had gotten.
Faithfully every day she showed up but she might as well have stayed home because her mind was always distracted.
So when I rolled back into rehab a few days later, I felt relief.
Santana didn't really run much past me except for the fact that she would be taking the kids back to Philly for good.
Their adjustment had been terrible and it seemed that Beth was only spiraling more.
Addiction ran in my family and in Puck's.
It was no surprise that she was showing signs of medicating herself...only like my mother, she preferred booze.
There was no better person than Santana to see her back onto the right path and so I had to just trust that she had things under control.
Never before had I felt so disconnected...so alone.
And I had spent years on Oxy...one of the most isolating experiences ever didn't hold a candle to now.
By Santana leaving me and her parents following right behind, I was all alone in the last place I had ever wanted to be...Ohio.
To make things even more difficult, this back brace made pushing at my wheels even harder.
They offered me a motorized chair but I declined.
Like last time, I refused to acknowledge that this was a permanent thing.
I refused to assign permanent feelings to what I deemed a temporary problem.
There was no fucking way.
It became my obsession.
There was a certain image in my head of wrapping my legs around my wife while she fucked me...
I'm sure there was a handicapable way to do it but I wanted what I knew already.
And so sobriety and walking were all I thought about.
That's how I passed my days.
SANTANA'S POV
I thought there would be no marked difference when we returned home.
We had learned over the years to exist as if Quinn were just a visitor in our house.
There was a routine among us but then it was Thanksgiving and her not being there or even the idea that she'd show up later was startling.
I missed her.
But I had made the decision that we would only have contact if there was a decision to be made with the kids.
Which there never was.
I always handled everything and that wasn't going to change with her 500 miles away.
There was just way too much that we didn't have time to discuss in those hour long phone calls.
Besides, I had to go visit eventually and we'd get plenty of time then.
It was a requirement of her program that I spend her last week with her to help her prepare for the world outside, so I told myself whatever serious thing we needed to say could wait until then.
As of now she still had a month to go.
She'd missed almost a week and a half by coming to Lima...I needed for her to make that up.
I needed to know that my money wasn't being wasted.
And I wanted to convey all that to her, I really did but I had just dropped her off and had her counselor break it to her, that I really only wanted her to talk to the kids.
That way, she'd be able to deal with her emotions with him and not me.
I was going through emotional overload and couldn't handle anything else.
And so I wouldn't.
"Where's my daughter?" It was the first question that my unexpected visitor asked me as she waltzed into my house.
This year we had tried to keep Thanksgiving small, just the kids and my parents but that was all upended when Judy showed up.
It was like she knew the exact time to knock on the door, just as a movie was about to start.
Mami and Papi had gone out for ice cream and we were setting up the living room for an epic night.
None of us were dressed...just pajamas and sweats.
It's what I needed...but Judy knew nothing of that.
And so she knew nothing about what you shouldn't say to someone who just survived cancer of all things.
My hair was growing back these days...I was going with the whole pixie look because I could not even look at another wig or scarf.
From what Quinn had told me, Judy knew nothing of the cancer...nothing of rehab...nothing about nothing.
So for all she knew, when she showed up it was going to be to one of Quinn's famous turkeys but instead it was to assorted take-out and a Netflix marathon on pause.
We had a tough few months and this was what we needed but there was no way Judy would allow that.
"She's not here." I said, trying to be vague, not that I was really in the interest of lying for Q.
"Okay but she has always gotten off for Thanksgiving, why isn't she here and what is going on with your hair? It was always one of my favorite things about you, dear. Is that a hoodie?"
I had tried to be gracious when I let her in and then even still, when she touched my hair, I smiled and waved her inside.
But then she actually picked up the remote and turned off the television.
The kids were prepared to relax today, no formalities, so right then, when Judy turned off the movie...Gabe sat there in shock staring at her like she had three heads.
She stood in front of the couch with her arms open.
"Are neither of you going to say hi to your Nonna?"
Gabe rolled his eyes and stood up, hugging her waist and mumbling a quick hello before slumping back down onto the couch.
Beth though, made no attempt to move.
"Hey." She said, without even looking up from her phone.
"Beth." I warned but Judy wasn't having any of it.
She snatched Beth's phone and glared at her.
"What kind of disrespectful nonsense is that, young lady?"
"Would you like me to show you what real disrespect looks like?" Beth said as she rose to her feet and crossed her hands over her chest.
"Beth!" I said but Judy held up her hand.
"I'll ask you to let me handle this, Santana...obviously you need some guidance on how to rear your children."
I could see my daughter about to blow and while I didn't blame her, I didn't want mayhem today.
Even if it wasn't the usual traditions that Quinn upheld, it was still a holiday about being thankful for life and that was what I wanted to celebrate.
The door opened behind me just as the fight of the century was about to begin between Judy and Beth.
"Gabe, go see if the baby's up." I called to him and I had never seen him move faster, happy to have an excuse not to be so close to the fire.
Mami stood beside me and looked at the two versions of Quinn, one older, one younger, standing toe to toe. "What on Earth is going on?"
"I was asked to shut up and let her handle it...so that's what I'm doing." I mumbled.
There was only two people who could stop this fight, one was in rehab and the other came into the door a second later and immediately jumped to action.
"Judy!" He said with his arms open and she immediately melted.
It had been the worst kept secret in Lima that Quinn's mom had it bad for my father.
And he knew just how to play into that, knowing that Mami surely didn't mind.
Judy shot one last glare at Beth before walking into Papi's open arms.
Mami went to talk to Beth who was still ready to throw down but I held out my arm.
"I need you and Papi to deal with Judy...I will talk to my kids."
"Lo que tu piensas que sea mejor." She said, shrugging and walking towards the woman clinging to her husband.
"You, upstairs, NOW!" I said to Beth as I walked her way.
She looked a bit terrified but was NOT going to show her ass to me in front of Judy...thankfully.
"I'll take that phone." I said to Judy and she happily held it out for me.
As I took the phone from Judy's outstretched hand before storming up the stairs, she said to me, "Don't go soft on her."
"Believe me, I won't."
I stomped up the stairs after that, hopefully putting on enough of a show for Judy's benefit.
I walked into Beth's room and she was pacing, grumbling to herself in Spanish.
More Spanish than I had ever heard her speak.
"I got your phone back." I said to her and immediately, she deflated.
She looked at me like the daughter I had raised, like my little kiddo and it made me feel great!
I had been right to bring her and Gabe back to Philly, back to their schools and their friends.
Beth seemed to have slipped back into a more innocent version of herself, at least appearance wise.
In her short time in Lima, she'd become an HBIC-lite, with make-up, hiked up skirts and an attitude a mile wide.
Now though, she'd gone back to being bare faced and natural, her clothes were more relaxed and her smile was a constant...
Until a few minutes ago.
I thought she'd go for the phone but instead she wrapped me up in her arms tightly, her height dwarfing me by a few inches.
Just like Quinn.
She was all the good parts of my wife and some of the worst parts of me but that made her pretty awesome in my opinion.
"I'm sorry that I lost my cool, there's just something about that woman that sets me on edge."
"She's still an adult, I am proud of you from holding back but at the same time, you shouldn't have even had the urge. She's your blood."
"Blood means nothing to me. You're not my blood and I'm closer to you than the woman who gave birth to me."
I pulled back and gestured towards the bed.
"That is what I wanted to talk to you about, give me a second to check in on the kids. Leave your phone up here for as long as Judy is here. It's easier to let her think I punished you."
"Okay."
I found Gabe in my bedroom with Sasha next to him, he'd raided my secret snack stash and they were watching a cartoon.
"All good?" I asked him and he put a thumb up but didn't look away from the screen.
"I love you, Gabe."
He looked at me and smiled really big, his dimples digging deep into his cheeks.
"Te quiero tanto, Mami!"
"Tanto!" Sasha echoed and not for the first time, I found myself wishing that Quinn could be here for those kinds of moments.
She missed out on way too much.
I shut the door and moved down the hall to Beth's room.
Truth be told, I half expected her to be gone, having climbed out the window but instead she sat where I left her...knees bouncing as she sat there jittery.
"You look like an addict." I said to her as I shut the door behind me and then leaned up against it.
She looked at me wide eyed and stopped her movements.
"Am I an addict if being in the same house as that woman makes me want to drink?" She asked, tilting her head a bit before going in for the kill, "Because as I seem to recall, every adult seems to suffer from the same problem with faced with her...even crabby old Aunt Fran!"
"Touche, kiddo."
She smiled at the endearment and sighed.
"All jokes aside, I know that I was headed down a well trodden Fabray path. Lima just got to me...and you know that and the miscarriage stuff has been lingering at the back of my mind."
"You looked at the brochures that I brought home from the center?"
"Yeah."
"And?"
She leaned over and pulled her night stand drawer open, there was only one pamphlet out of the twenty I had brought her.
"There's an after school program, it's for the kids of addicts who suffer with addictions of their own, supposedly it helps with steering you down a different path. It even talks about the steps. I think I want to start going but I know you depend on me to help out around here. I don't want to leave you hanging."
"I think I can find something to do with your brother and sister for the hour that you're at a meeting. They love me at that center, I can probably sneak Gabe into the junior MMA class even though it's super selective."
"And violent, which Mama would have a cow over."
"Right...violent but hey at least he'd learn to manage that anger he has built up."
"You have a point."
"I always do."
"Are you sure, it won't be too much if I go?"
"Kiddo, you've taken the last few months on the chin. The two of us work like a team...the way I wish..." I had to remind myself I was talking to my child but then she filled in the blank.
"The way Mama should be, I know but I think you'll get her back. The REAL her. Just talking to her over the last few weeks, there's something different that's changed about her."
"I hope so."
"Me too, Mami. Seriously, you are miserable without her here and I'll admit on days like today, I miss her too...especially that turkey."
"You would be good to remember that you actually love your Mama."
"I do, it's just the way she hurt you for so long and basically hurt us was so cruel."
"Do you think that maybe some of the animosity you feel towards your Mama is spilling over onto the woman who helped make her who she is."
"I don't know what it is but I wish she wasn't here and that Mama was."
"Me too, kiddo but it's a holiday and she's family."
"Ugh...I know!" She groaned.
Beth stood up and checked her phone before stepping closer, as if she was afraid someone might hear her.
"What are you going to tell her about Mama not being here, you know she's not going to let it go?"
"The truth, I guess, with everything going on, it's about time Judy knew."
"Even if you know that she will fly off the handle and probably demand to see her and we both know that a visit from her might set Mama back."
"I won't tell Judy where the place is just that Quinn's there and that she's back in the chair."
"And you'll tell her about the no communication policy?"
I looked at Beth for a long moment, because I thought maybe I forgot a policy but the gleam in her eye said different.
"What?"
"You know...how she can't have visitors."
"Or maybe just that there's no contact until the last week."
"Yup, that will work because if Mama talks to Judes while you're there with Mama, it will go over better."
"That is your Nonna. Respect."
"Bullshit, Mami...she's just Mama's mother. Maribel Lopez is more than enough grandmother for me."
"Language."
"Right...sorry."
"Speaking of which, you need to carve out some time to talk to Abuela while she's here."
"You don't think she's too close to this?"
"No. If anyone knows about losing a child, nearly two...it's her. That after school program deals with your drinking but the baby stuff...not even a little."
"You're right." She glanced at her phone and then her eyes went wide, "Quick Mami, slap me, tell me off about anything."
She looked serious and so I slapped her semi-hard across the face.
"Don't you EVER disrespect another person in this house! You are better than some puta on the street!"
Beth's door swung open and in came Judy with my parents on her tail.
And when Judy saw Beth with tears in her eyes and her hand pressed to her cheek, she looked smug.
I had fed the beast and she seemed satisfied.
My God, Beth is just as bad as Quinn!
It took all I had not to burst out laughing.
QUINN'S POV
The day of Thanksgiving, I laid in bed staring at the wall...feeling empty.
I was so dazed that Doug had asked if I had taken any drugs.
Which I ignored.
And then he threatened to make me pee in a cup and so finally, I spoke to him.
"I'm depressed. I want to be home and even though I get a call today, I don't want it because she won't talk to me. For so long I took them for granted...this holiday was the only day that I ever really took off from work. I cooked every year...even if I was only able to sit down and eat for an hour before heading to the hospital before the Black Friday madness. It was one of the only times that I barely took any drugs and now, it will be yet another time that I'm absent."
"There's still Thanksgiving dinner in the cafeteria."
"No thanks. I'm too tired, Doug. It takes so much effort to get in that chair and then wheel myself down there. Just for this one day...please let me be?" My voice cracked.
I was crying now, my eyes still staring at the wall because I doubted he'd allow me this ONE thing.
"I will let you stay in your room on one condition."
"I'll do anything."
"When I bring your dinner in here, you sit and eat it all with me and then call your kids before the night is over...even if it's just to wish them sweet dreams."
"I don't want to call."
"Do you want to be absent in their lives?"
"I already am."
"A call will make you present in their day, if only for a few moments."
I rolled onto my back, relishing in the aching feeling in my upper thighs from Physical Therapy.
He had a point, I hated when he had such good fucking points.
"Fine."
"Great, I'll be back in a few."
"Great."
I was sitting up in bed, pushing turkey around my plate...dragging it through the cranberry sauce and then the mashed potatoes.
My stomach was rolling with anticipation.
Doug was glaring and forced me to either eat or talk.
So I stuffed my mouth and continued to let the tears fall on their own.
What if she didn't want to speak to me again?
Last call, it had just been Beth and Gabriel, the time before that...just Beth but with Santana trying to stay quiet in the background.
Would she be different today?
It was my fervent hope.
Cleveland sits right off of Lake Erie, which means that when it's cold here...it gets ridiculously cold.
Already in November, there was a mixture of snow and rain all day, nearly below freezing.
Back in New Haven, I was always cold and thought there was never a colder feeling but clearly I was wrong.
But despite that, I had requested to make my call on the enclosed porch that sat off of the common room.
Something about the numbing cold did something for my nervous system...likened to the numbing affect of drugs.
And I needed it badly!
Because I was so depressed, Doug wasn't really going to argue with me.
Especially if this meant that I would finally leave my room.
So with a semi-full stomach, I rolled onto the porch just past the outdoor heater and relished the cold.
Doug stayed back against the door under the heater and pulled out the counseling cell phone.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, well it's 8:30, because it's a special day you have two hours and if at any point in that time you want to go inside, just wave at me and I'll push you myself." He was already shivering but I could barely feel the cold.
All I knew was that the pain wasn't as present.
Which was enough to keep me warm.
SANTANA'S POV
"I owe you big time!" I whispered to Mami as she put on her coat.
After dinner, she had convinced Judy to go back to the hotel with her and Papi for a night cap...turns out they were all staying at the same hotel!
Which was a lie, of course, because my parents had been staying here at the house but for my sanity, they were going to play along...thankfully.
"Yep, you definitely do. Don't forget to call ahead and book us a room just in case she gets suspicious."
"You got it!"
"And you know, so I can get freaky with your Papi!"
"Ew...tmi." I groaned and she reached up and patted my cheek.
"And the best thing is, you're paying for it! Enjoy the rest of your night and then we can all have breakfast at that brunch spot you took us to last time...Judy will love it."
"But how will we explain why Quinn isn't there? We didn't have much time to explain it to her earlier."
"It would be a great time to tell her the truth, you know if she's in public that she won't make a scene. Trust me on that one."
"You're right."
"I always am."
"I love you, Mami." I said and she wrapped me up tight, I kissed her forehead and she chuckled.
"Te quiero, bebe." She whispered.
And then I heard the heavy footsteps of my father in the hallway, which meant Judy was with him...just like she had been all night.
Time to put a brave face back on.
When I finally closed the door behind Judy and my parents, I slid down to the floor and just took a moment.
As I reserved a room for my parents and sent them the confirmation, my mind kept going over the fact that there was way too much deceit going on.
And just how much I hated it.
It had just been too hard to lie for Quinn.
And it was my hope that tomorrow morning that would end.
I just couldn't handle another lie.
How had she kept up an affair for six years?
Then from there I broke.
For the first time since I found out, I let it all hit me.
And that's how Beth found me, with my face pressed against my knees as I sobbed.
I just felt so broken and betrayed.
"Mami." She said as she crouched down, her phone in her hands.
"Yeah?" I said, wiping at my face before looking at her.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Mama is on the phone, I put it on mute."
I leaned over and saw Quinn's face as she looked at the phone screen.
"She knows that you put her on mute?"
"Yeah. I told her that you may not be up for talking and to hold on."
"Did she talk to Gabe yet?"
"And Sasha too..."
"Okay, would you mind giving the baby a bath? Also make sure Gabe brushes his teeth really good." I asked and she smiled so sweetly, a stark contrast to the person that Judy saw.
"No problem, Mami. I love you."
"I love you too, kiddo."
It had been awhile since I had talked to her and there had been good reason for that.
After everything, I was finally able to sit with the fact that she lied to me for so long.
Over and over again.
I had been angry before but now...I was just sad.
This was our first video call, so I had almost forgotten her face.
Her sober one.
Our eyes met and the smile on her face took my breath away...still!
Fuck.
I hit the mute button and could immediately hear the sound of wind.
Was she outside?
"Where are you?" I asked, completely confused.
"The sun porch...the cold helps with the pain. More important than that, why were you crying? Where are you?"
"On the floor in the foyer and yes, I was in mid weep."
We'd been together, as friends and lovers for so long that I knew her every expression...what every movement meant.
But this expression was off.
Halfway between love and terror.
"Beth told me that my mother showed up unannounced."
"She did."
"Did you she say something to you?"
"Nothing out of the normal."
"Then what is it? How can I help?" I stared hard at her and just as much as I could read her, she could read me. So it was no surprise when she saw the answer on my face. "Oh...it's because of me. Of course it is...this is our holiday. I should be there with you, I'm sorry for that...I know you are tired of hearing my apologies but right now I can't give you much more than that."
I felt the tears falling as I listened to her and I watched the effect it was having on her that I was openly crying.
"Was he better than me?"
"Never."
"Did he touch you in a way that you wanted me to?"
"Honestly?" She asked and the groan that left me brought more tears.
And she looked so affronted...but she looked very prepared to answer.
"Yes, be honest."
"Sometimes. Ever since we've been together, you have been trying to make up for what Brittany did to me. Your touches are soft and gentle, sometimes too much."
"Oh." I said, feeling like even our sex life had been a lie. "So I'm terrible in bed? That's why we haven't had sex in months?"
"No, I just felt dirty. I still want you, all the time. I just didn't know how to tell you."
"So he was better than me."
"Never, I stand by that, babylove. Even if it was gentler than I wanted, it was always good. He hurt me so much, tore me once and I didn't feel worthy of your soft touches anymore...I still don't. That doesn't mean though that I didn't desire you."
"You shouldn't have to put up with something just because you didn't want to hurt me. Trust me, I would have dealt with that much better than having to deal with this."
"I shouldn't have to do a lot of things but I've fucked up a whole lot."
I had been holding the words back because I didn't want to be one of those people...not again but they were just there, waiting for me to say them and so I did.
"I think it's time to talk a divorce and custody."
I thought the look of hurt on her face would satiate a part of me.
But the understanding in her eyes and the tears that finally fell did the opposite.
"If that's what you want, I won't fight it. You've already done way more for me since finding out than I would have probably done for you but I'm spiteful like that."
"So am I."
"No, you're not. Love, you are the most pliable and adaptable person that I know. You have loved me despite myself and every contradictory thing I've done or said. I wasn't there for the creation and birth of Sasha, I wasn't there to support you during your diagnosis or treatment, and I have constantly put other things and people before you. A divorce is the most logical thing for you to do."
"It's not about fucking logic!" I shrieked and she looked startled. "It's about the disconnected way you have been...it's not about fair or not. I want you to fucking care, Quinn. I want you to fight for us and even now, you are agreeing with me instead of fighting. Don't you get how much that pisses me off? "
"What can I do?"
"You cab stop being cold and callous, you need to be here always. I need you, the kids NEED you. Even when you're here physically, you're not mentally. That's what I want you to do. Be sober and BE here to fight for us."
"I didn't know that was an option."
"You fucking make it one! Nothing is an option until you make it a priority. I get it, finish the program, do something with it please but more than that, come back here with a plan. With a fight. Fight for us, Q."
"You want a divorce. though...those were your words not even two seconds ago and now you're saying fight...I just...tell me what to say and I'll say it." She said, seeming more confused than anything.
"No, I don't WANT a divorce, I want to be married to you, my BEST friend, you're everything I ever wanted. My happy ending or at least...you were. I need you to be my wife and their mother. I need you, WE need you. In no realm of consciousness did I EVER want to be divorced twice...shit...not even once but definitely not twice."
"So the door is open?"
"Yes. Don't fucking make me regret it."
QUINN'S POV
I hated hearing all the things she had to say, more than that, I hated watching her cry as she said them.
But I deserved every bit of it, of her hurt.
This was the first time that we were really talking about this stuff so openly and I was so thrown by it.
And I felt so guilty for it all that I was just willing to accept whatever she handed me.
But that wasn't good enough for her.
She wanted more.
"So the door is open?" I asked her because even if I was so detached half the time, since forever, she needed more of me and I wanted to be that for her. So I asked even if I felt ashamed and she took a moment to really look at me.
I was crying too...just not as much as her...but these tears were just as real.
They meant I was feeling her words.
Something that was nearly non existent on drugs.
I was present in that moment, just like she wanted me to be.
"Yes. Don't fucking make me regret it."
She sounded pitiful but those words reminded me way too much of Russell.
Santana has two extremes...either a cinnamon roll or a savage.
That comment, with the growl in her voice was savage.
Something she rarely, if ever, was with me.
I had wanted something less gentle with her for so long but now I knew that if we worked it out, I might regret taking advantage of her gentleness.
A little bit...I guess with her though, it would not be like it was with him. She loved me. He lusted after me but she LOVED...LOVES me.
After the harsh start to our conversation, she seemed to circle back on something I said...something she wasn't listening to at first.
"Tell me how he hurt you." She asked after a long moment of wiping her tears and taking several deep breaths.
"You really want to know what he did to me?"
"I wouldn't have asked otherwise. Give me the worst, so I can stop filling in the blanks for you in my mind."
"There was one time my attending sent me home halfway through a double. I got home and you weren't there...neither were the kids." She held her hand up.
"No, don't give me those kinds of details. I just want to know what he's done. Just the facts, not a story."
"Whips, chains...handcuffs were his favorite. He never wanted to see my face so I was always facing away from him. He didn't like my voice so I wasn't really allowed to talk. The more I talked about getting clean or ending things with him, the more violent he got. He spent a lot of time pressing down on my back, on purpose. My pain was his pleasure. The more emotions he could get me to show, the better. Only problem was the drugs clouding my emotions. So I wasn't allowed to be high during, only after. Those were the longest times that I was sober."
"Did you ever come home, just after?"
"Yes."
"How often?"
"Too many times to count but I always showered before touching you or the kids."
"Did you ever tell him that you love him?"
"Only with a knife pressed to my throat."
Her eyes got wide and then she looked at me straight, with not even a drop of malice.
"What's the worst thing you've done for pills, Q?"
"Have sex with him for six years behind your back."
"There's no single thing?"
"The worst thing was probably tie my tubes so he wouldn't get me pregnant, rather than just stopping the sex and the pills. I underwent surgery for drugs."
"You wanted more kids."
"I did."
"And now...you can't."
"There are cases of reported pregnancies with tubes tied but they are so rare that I'm pretty certain that Beth was it besides with my back like this...it might be for the best."
"I know I've asked before but I just can't seem to wrap my head around it...are you sure that you didn't love him?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I didn't love him. You know me, how hard it is to give myself over to someone that I don't love, which is why you're asking. I get it. I didn't love Finn but Noah, I loved him. I didn't love Sam or Biff, but the professor..."
"Patches." She cut in and I smirked.
"I loved him, even if he smoked that nasty pipe. And you...there is NO ONE on this planet that I'm in love with more than you."
"Funny way of showing that, Q."
"I'm a bitch, a selfish, self-loathing bitch. I kind of wish you would just whoop my ass already and get it over with. I don't deserve you or any of the chances you want to give me. I hate myself so much, I hate that I'm in this chair, in Cleveland...shit, I hate that you are sitting there crying, instead of wrapped in my arms. I told you before all that I have to give is sobriety and honesty. I can't even begin to explain what the hell I was thinking for all these years, the same way you can't explain the many chances you gave Britt after everything she did to me. I know you hate when I bring that up and I'm not comparing sins...at least, I'm trying not to...I just want you to know that I get the hurt."
"Do you really? I mean, really understand how much it pains me to even hear your voice?"
"Yes." I looked at her and gave a little shrug and she smirked.
"And yet I'm still here."
"Yup, you're still here. No one has ever fought for me more than you...not even high school Rachel...you take the cake."
"Thanks?"
"I am ready to spend the rest of my life showing you all the love that you deserve."
"You've said that before...more than once."
"And I meant it."
"No, you said that before him."
"I know."
"So what makes now different?"
"Everything. I'm not the same person that I was. Something in me has changed...I want you to know that I won't stop fighting for us. Ever."
"I really want to believe you."
"I've got to put in the work for you to trust me again...and I'm ready to do whatever it takes. That's why I'm here, doing something that I never really spent this much time doing. I spend countless hours in therapy, trying to walk and learn to express the way I should. I'm doing the work. I'm working the steps and it's hard. It sucks but I am trusting the process."
"That's good to hear."
A/N: Thanks for sticking around with me chicas. Next chapter...a time jump and some actual progress. Thank you for all the love! I appreciate every single one of you! :)