A/N: I just read this entire story from start to finish and I realized that I promised you an epilogue and goshdarnit you are going to get one. Four years in the making. This is my final bow on Fanfic and so I must make it count. I have loved this journey with you chicas and I have to say NO ONE has better than readers than me. Te quiero tanto! :D Also, this ending gives us a full return to Quinn's POV.
Belong (Dashboard Confessional)
JANUARY
1 WEEK LATER...BACK ON THE MAINLAND & MAINLINE
"So...what are you going to do with all of this free time now that you have a whole 8 months until you start at NYU?" I asked her as I rubbed her feet while we watched trashy tv.
She raised her eyebrow and then without missing a beat says, "Get you pregnant. That's just about the perfect amount of time to have a baby don't you think? I mean you don't start teaching at Columbia until next year. What better time is there than now?"
"Oh." My heart was racing. She was serious and I was scared witless. "We should talk about this with a fertility doc, I don't know how it works with...you know, with my tubes..." I wanted to cry as I watched understanding dawn on her face.
And now even with all the strides we had made, we still ended up coming back to what I had done. I wanted to die right then, just take my last breath and disappear because I don't think I could handle one more moment for the rest of our lives of her looking at me like that.
It was like knife straight to the heart.
"So you're saying that because of what you did we might not be able to have another baby?" Her voice was so low that I had to strain to hear her. "How does that make you feel, Q, no bullshit. I honestly need to know because you look like you're about to break and that's the last thing I want for either of us."
I watched a single tear fall from her eyes and she didn't even try to wipe it away.
How did I feel?
"So fucking unworthy but you know, I'm not going to let it stop us from doing this. I won't let this haunt us forever."
"You're sure?"
"Without a doubt. Let's have a baby."
She smiled so big that I felt like her teeth would crack.
"You mean it?"
"I do."
I didn't waste a single moment, I picked up my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I found a name that I hadn't seen in ages.
The phone rang and Santana dropped her feet to the floor and snuggled up next to me. I wrapped an arm around her and hoped to God that everything would work out.
"Dr. Lopez, to what do I owe the pleasure?" A silky voice came over the line and I blushed because it was obvious there was flirting in her tone like always.
Santana's eyebrow was back up and she was getting stiff but I held her tight and rolled my eyes after realizing that she didn't recognize the voice.
"You know Vanessa, if I didn't love you, I'd kick your ass for mocking me."
She burst out in chuckles and her voice returned to normal, right along with Santana's face and posture.
"I couldn't help myself. It's just been too long and Labor day doesn't even count, I was there two hours max and talked to you for about five minutes. How's my boy doing?"
"He's good, not getting in fights anymore and he brought home straight A's for the first time since kindergarten."
"Good, I'm glad that you two finally got your shit together before you completely ruined him." And just like that Santana was stiff again.
"Okay, okay, enough barbs. Santana is laying here getting her hackles up every few seconds because she's not used to your brand of crude humor."
"Oh...well it's all in good fun Santana, chill. Ever since I slapped your naked ass all those years ago, you have not relaxed even minutely, geez. I'm just messing around. I know he's in good hands. Every time I see the kid he looks healthy and happy, even when everything around him has gone to shit."
"Thanks." She muttered.
"So really, what's up? Do you need a kidney or something? Is Gabe really okay?"
I smiled at Santana and thought of that first day when Vanessa couldn't even stand to be in the same room as Gabriel but now she had done nothing but talk about him this whole conversation with a level of disconnected love that I didn't think she'd ever be capable of.
"He's fine, honest. I'm calling because I need your professional expertise."
"Professional? Q, you went to med school what I could I possibly tell you about medicine that you don't know?"
"I know that but I don't remember all the stuff if I didn't need to use it. The pills messed with my head and I am still regaining some of my memory actually."
"And I'm still royally pissed about that but moving on. How can I help?"
"If you're pissed about that, wait until you hear the rest." Santana said loud enough to be heard and the knife in my heart twisted a little.
I finally lifted my arm from around her but she just huffed and pulled it right back. She wasn't going to let me pull away and the guilt on her face tells me that she felt like she went too far but I deserved it.
Even if I didn't like it.
Vanessa had gone quiet after that comment and then I heard her typing before saying another word.
"Hold on a sec, gotta finish this email." She muttered.
In that time, Santana had leaned up and kissed my neck before putting those lips next to my ear.
"I'm sorry, it's still going to take some time. Therapist told you, time of affair plus a year was usually the time it took to stop hurting and it hasn't even been a year. I love you, Luce."
I nodded and then turned my face to her, putting my phone in my lap before kissing her lips hard enough to bruise. She moaned low as I sucked her bottom lip between my teeth and nibbled.
"I'll let you make it up to me."
She grinned and then gestured to the phone.
"Then hurry up, sugar tits."
I picked the phone back up and put it on speaker. Vanessa was humming to herself and so I cleared my throat.
"Oh you're back, good. So I have a meeting in like fifteen, so as much as I would love to keep fucking with you two a little more duty calls, so tell me what's up?"
"I got my tubes tied during that whole affair."
"Not entirely unexpected. You are prone to do things to the extreme. Did you get them burned?"
"No."
"Okay...hold on, I'm writing this down just in case I need to research."
"I just...Santana has two embyros from her IVF stuff and I wanted to carry but I was unsure...if I can."
She cleared her throat and then sighed.
"Am I on speaker?"
"Yes." Santana said.
"Okay, good, so this is something you BOTH want this time around, no shade. Frankly, I'm glad to hear it. So Quinn would essentially be acting as a surrogate and as crazy as you might think it is, there is a preference to use surrogates with tubal ligation because it prevents them from getting pregnant with their own child during the process. So the long and short of it is that yes, Q, you can absolutely carry with minimal issue. My question is your spinal treatment and the stress a pregnancy could do to your back. Not that people in wheelchairs don't have babies because it's possible, we just need to cover our bases. Can you tell me more about that procedure and treatment?"
I looked towards Santana and she sighed but nodded.
This was an area that we hadn't discussed in therapy yet but I knew that after this, we certainly would.
"Ishmael used experimental therapy to get me on my feet. He removed the old rod in my spine and realigned my twisted vertebrae. He used some sort of magnet and some other tech to get my spine to align correctly to a new rod. It was pretty pricey and he said that I would probably never have to worry about it again as long as I didn't go doing cartwheels every day."
"And you have your back checked out post-op, correct?"
"Yes, I have been working with a neurologist at Bryn Mawr."
"Can I ask how much that set you back because that could not have been cheap? Not relevant, I'm just nosy."
She was a nerd, I knew that she was just asking to satiate her thirst for knowledge but I didn't want to go into it.
"I'd rather not."
"She spent close to a million." Santana cut in and I looked at her in shock, not knowing that she even knew.
Vanessa whistled and then cleared her throat.
"So a bargain. Was he trying to make it up to you for ruining things with you and Santana?"
"Pretty much."
"Is he still involved with your treatment? If you can get them, I'd like to see his notes, I mean that is if you want me to walk you two through this process?"
"I have everything and we'd be honored, V." I said and Santana nodded.
"Great! Let me talk to a few people here and then I can definitely make some recommendations but in my professional opinion we can make this baby happen even if I have to carry it myself."
Santana let out a long sigh and then I could see the peace return to her face.
"Thank you, Vanessa. I appreciate any guidance you can give us." Santana said, lifting the phone from my hand and putting it closer to her face. "This last year and a half has been literal hell for me and I don't think I want to deal with any incompetent doctors who don't know their ass from their scalpel."
"Can I be candid?"
I scoffed because hadn't she been candid this whole time but then Santana glared and I fixed my face.
"Please do." She said and I just quietly watched Santana as she stared off into space waiting for whatever Vanessa had to say.
"There was a time when I tried to convince Gabe to come back to me. To be my son again...it wasn't my best moment. I know it hurt when he asked to live with me and I know that we have NEVER discussed it. I am endlessly sorry for that time in my life knowing the stress it caused and each time you have included not only me but my husband and my child my love for you has grown. Thank you for everything. I want to make it up to you specifically Santana, because if it wasn't for you raising him and loving him like your own flesh...I don't know where any of us would be and so if I can make this happen for you, I'd feel so honored."
It'd been years since Santana came home telling me about Gabriel wanting to live with Vanessa and rather than discuss it, I'd brushed it off and then little by little, we'd made it harder to align our time with Vanessa or her parents. Santana had created a space between him and them on purpose.
They never brought it up and I was too high to even pay attention.
Santana though, had been holding this obviously because she covered her face with her arm and began to cry.
Loud and ugly.
An invisible weight was being lifted off of her and I could see just how relieved she was.
"Thank you." She said, "I have been carrying that bitterness for so long."
"I'm so sorry, Santana."
"Thank you. I forgive you."
"No, thank you for stepping up when no one else would. So...I have to go but I will call you guys before the week is out and update you on EVERYTHING. Quinn email me your treatment plan. Santana, I'll email you a release so that I can see your records from the IVF and the status of your embryos, okay?"
"Okay."
"And Quinn?"
"Yeah?" I said.
"You keep cherishing the fuck out of her because she is so worthy of EVERYTHING this life has to offer and she's been through ENOUGH. Do you hear me?"
"Yes."
"Good because I will be first in line to put you back in that fucking wheelchair if you so much as look at another person or do anything else to ruin that million dollar mind of yours."
"Got it, V. I promise you that I'm done being a fuck up."
"Good. I love you chicas, I gotta go. Kiss those babies for me."
TWO DAYS LATER
I watched her work in her never used studio that she kept in the basement and could see her peace, more and more she'd found places like this.
Separate from me and maybe in replacement of the gaping hole I had left.
But I couldn't be jealous because she had found herself outside of me, us.
It's what I had done every time I studied or went to school. That was something for me and now she'd finally started to do the same for herself.
This was undoubtedly where she belonged, I knew it without a doubt that she'd mastered another album.
It sounded amazing and not like her first, this one had heart...she'd written every song this time all through our breakup and her Cancer.
And I hadn't heard any of it until this moment.
Shit, I didn't even know she was doing this until she shook me awake fifteen minutes ago with a mug of coffee and a smile.
"I need to show you something." She'd said and then waited as I rolled from bed.
And when she led me downstairs to the basement that I have literally never entered, I chuckled.
"Didn't know we had a basement." I had muttered and Santana paused on the steps and looked at me sideways.
"Weren't you here by yourself for weeks?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't wonder what the door was?"
"Nope. Just figured it was a closet."
"Wow, Q. For a genius you can be so oblivious."
"Pretty much. The kids know it exists right? You're not going to kill me down here, are you?"
When she turned on the light I stopped short.
The entire basement was finished and the whole back wall was glass, there was an entire studio down here.
"Wow. Did you build this?" I whispered in awe.
She shook her head.
"Nope. This was here when I bought the place. This is WHY I bought the place."
"It's beautiful."
"Come on." She said, taking my hand in hers as she pushed open the door to the studio and led me to a comfy yellow chair.
"Beth?" I asked knowing that my Sweets still loved all things yellow.
"It was her Christmas gift to me while you were away. She wanted me to have a comfortable place to sit that would also remind me of her."
"And so she bought you something with feathers that clearly stands out in this black and silver room. That kid is a riot."
"Yeah. I love her, thanks for her." She said with a smirk.
"Um, you're welcome."
"I mean it. Yeah you checked out for a bit there but I wouldn't have a family, I wouldn't have those kids without you."
"Awww." I stood up and draped myself on her and delivered kisses to her face. "I missed sappy us!"
"Me too."
"Now...go ahead, show me whatever masterpiece you've cooked up."
A sultry voice that sounded like mine was the first thing I heard but I knew I'd never sung this song. I looked at Santana and she pointed to the chair I sat in.
"Beth?" I mouthed and she nodded.
Rachel Berry eat your heart out.
The opening was Beth singing a gut wrenching a Capella before the beat dropped and then Santana joined her but her voice sounded different, not manufactured like her first album.
This sound was her from way back, just out of rehab, wooing me with my favorite song.
She had rediscovered her sound and it had taken nearly dying for her to breathe life into it.
I've never felt so proud of her than in that moment.
And as she listened and shot glances at me, my smile never faded.
By the time the first song ended I was weeping.
And then the next came on and I heard the familiar chuckle of Mercedes, someone who was unattainable to get on your record.
But Santana had gotten her.
If this album dropped just having her on it would earn a Grammy.
The song was typical Mercedes and I was bopping the whole way.
Straight banger.
My pride just kept growing.
This was wife, my love and each note was a labor of love.
I could see it, I could feel it in my bones.
Record after record included someone that Santana loved.
Beth.
Mercedes.
Rachel.
Noah. (which made me ache)
A sample of the glee club.
And then the last song sounded unfinished.
She looked to me and smiled.
"I saved this one for us. It's called Sinners."
I grinned.
"Sinn for the win!"
"Yeah, Sinn for the win." She chuckled.
She played the song and it broke my heart.
It was in two parts like Just Give me a Reason but it was broken in three.
The admission of the sin.
The rage it creates.
Forgiveness.
"Will you...record with me?" She asked looking at me with heat and I nodded without even thinking twice.
I needed this.
WE needed this and I wanted to get it right.
MARCH
SURPRISES ALL AROUND
I laid on her back, my hands still inside her as she panted heavily.
It was an early Saturday morning and we were trying to be quiet as I brought her to climax over and over again.
She was hitting the bed as if she was a wrestler tapping out and I chuckled against her neck before pulling my fingers from her.
"All done?"
"Yesssss."
"I love you." I said and she mumbled into the pillow unintelligibly.
"mmddadfafsd"
"What was that, Babylove?" I asked as my fingers began to trail back towards her heat.
She clamped her legs closed and rolled so that I fell off her back.
"I said that I love you too." She said, before attacking my neck with kisses and bites.
I squealed and then there was a loud knock on our door.
"Good Morning, this is your eldest child, I know you think you're being quiet and you have mostly succeeded but I share a wall with you and that is NOT how I wanted to wake up."
We looked towards the door in horror but then Santana rolled her eyes and cackled.
"We do what we want!" She yelled back and Beth groaned.
"I made breakfast. I need to talk to you two so take separate showers and come out here, it's important."
"Important bad or important good?" I called out.
"I guess you'll have to hurry up and come see."
With that she left our door and I heard her talking loudly from the living room.
"Whoops." Santana said before bursting into laughter.
"I mean...at least we weren't fighting, right?"
"Exactly, we are celebrating." She said before putting her hand on my still flat abs.
"Well they don't know that."
"Should we tell them?"
"It's still too early."
"But they're our kids."
"I know, I just...what if..." I started to say but she put her hand over my mouth.
"No. You are a woman of faith. I am a woman of faith and this baby, is the culmination of our love, faith, Vanessa and really good medicine. Don't you dare start doubting. There is a lot in the babe's favor. Okay? "
"Okay."
"But because I want to respect your body, we can wait a little longer. Until your ready."
"Thank you, babylove."
"No, Luce, thank you."
We made the bed after taking separate showers as mandated by Beth and then I stood there in the mirror looking at my side profile, as if I had a bump already but of course it was only two weeks. So, so early...I felt nervous but in a good way.
"What cha thinking?" She asked as she brushed her wild mane, that had grown back much curlier than ever, into submission.
"I never enjoyed my first pregnancy. I never got the chance to do all the cliche baby things for one reason or another and this time...I want it all."
She wrapped me in her arms and kissed my shoulder.
"And have it you shall. Now lets hurry up before that chick comes back here with more complaints."
When we walked into the living room hand in hand there sat Beth on the couch, her biggest smile on her face as she held her robe closed.
I felt my heart race...she wouldn't be that excited about another pregnancy right?
Santana must have thought something similar because she clenched my hand for dear life.
Sasha and Gabriel were eating at the table, staring at Beth's tablet contentedly.
"What's up?" Santana finally said, sounding as stiff as she felt.
And then Beth stood up and opened up her robe.
I felt tears immediately come to my eyes and Santana rushed Beth, holding her in a bear hug.
She had on a giant sweatshirt with four blue letters. YALE.
"You got in?" I asked, tears streaming. "I didn't even know you'd applied."
She nodded and held an arm out for me and I joined the hug.
"I didn't want to say anything just in case but I got in."
We stayed in that hug giving Beth the love she so badly deserved and a moment later four extra arms joined the family huddle.
"I love us." Beth said and then a little quieter so that only the adults could hear. "And Mama, I heard through that super thin bathroom wall this morning, when you squealed after taking that test...know that even though I'm going to be in New Haven, I want to be a part of this new kid's life as much as possible. I love it already."
I hugged her tighter and so did Santana.
And in the past when moments like this eclipsed us as a whole, one or both of us would get down on ourselves wondering when the next shoe would drop but right then, those worries were cast aside.
We had to have faith in what we had built.
What SHE had built.
I owed her everything.
And I planned to spend the rest of my life giving her just that.
ONE SPONTANEOUS ROADTRIP LATER...
As crazy as it might sound, I have not stepped foot in New Haven since the day I graduated.
Even though I still donated to the school and proudly supported Yale over Penn and UCLA but the desire to go back just hadn't happened until Beth made her announcement.
So we drove to Connecticut as a family and I spent the whole time telling the kids and Santana about my glory days but nothing compared to what Santana said as we drove past my old sorority house towards campus.
"And that was where I fell in love with your Mama and vowed to myself that I would marry her someday."
"Wait weren't you married to someone else?" Beth snarked and I rolled my eyes.
"She was just a placeholder, kiddo, your Mama is the real deal."
I looked at her with all the love I possessed and wished to God that I could show her just how much I appreciated shit like that.
God what did I do to deserve her?
Please never let me forget how this feels.
We wandered the school store, each of us picking a thing to take home and then I took Beth, just the two of us to my favorite place on campus.
The library.
We went into a room and sat, drinking coffee and eating scones.
"So I don't think I've asked, what is it you want to study?"
"Double major. Political Science & Pre-Law."
"I like your ambition."
"I learned it from the best."
"Promise me something?"
She smiled with that Puckerman twinkle in her eye.
"Okay?"
"It's great to be ambitious but promise me that you'll take your time."
"Um...why?"
"I want you to enjoy college, I have always rushed and I've missed so much of my life because of it."
"I look at Vanessa and the way she is still connected to Yale, she talks to people who I couldn't point out on the street, she volunteers...and she's known. This room and rooms like it, is where I spent most of my time for three solid years. I wouldn't change much in my life but that and the affair of course. I've rushed through everything and never stopped to enjoy it."
"I promise you, that I will savor this time, Mama. I know first hand that life is too short."
"Thank you."
"Can you promise me something, though?"
"Anything."
"Promise me that this new kid AND the old ones keep getting the best of you. That you won't rush their childhoods..." She took a deep breath, holding back tears, "that you'll let them be kids for as long as you can...learn from me, okay?"
She was crying now but I could see how she kept trying to hold it in and she was turning pink from effort.
I reached out to her and she took my hand.
"Hey Sweets, do you remember one of the first things I ever said to you about crying?"
She nodded with a sad smile.
"Yeah...that it was okay to cry."
"Remember how cold I was, how distant I became. Emotions are paramount, as are tears. Don't fight your feelings. I've robbed you of my presence for far too long but I want you to know that I'm here now. I'm present and you will always be my kid, my first baby. You will always be the one that hung the moon for me."
The emotions hit us both then and we ended up holding each other as we cried.
We probably looked certifiable but there was no way that I cared.
Something was healed in that room and I was hoping that in the future, when she felt like she couldn't connect with the world because blood of my blood, she was due. Hopefully, in those moments she'll come to this room and remember that moment.
And know that I am hers first.
APRIL
MERCEDES COMES THROUGH, A MANIPULATOR RETURNS, & TRUST IS FORMED
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! OH. MY. GOD!"
I nearly fell as I rushed into the kitchen half dressed and frantic.
Santana was swiping on her tablet while screaming into the phone.
Sasha looked at her with wide eyes while Beth and Gabriel jumped up and down in excitement.
"What happened?"
Santana put down her phone and then gripped me up, lifting me and twirling me around.
"Mercedes happened." She said. "She dropped my album as a surprise in the middle of the night and then got her Benzes, you know her fans to stream it. Quinn, it's been #1 on all the charts for hours. I'm trending!"
Tears filled my eyes.
She'd worked so hard on that album and asked Mercedes to have a listen just yesterday morning and now...it was a hit.
Just like that.
I couldn't contain myself.
My lips covered her whole face and then there was a gagging noise.
I glared at Beth and she rolled her eyes.
"If I offer to take the kids to the park...can you promise to wait to make out until we leave?"
"Take them to the movies and for Froyo and I'll give my credit card for the day." Santana said and then Beth was excitedly moving the kids to their bedrooms to get dressed.
And it couldn't have happened soon enough.
"I need to celebrate you, Princess. I growled in her ear and she shuddered."
"Yeah?"
"Mmmhmm."
"Okay."
"And then, I'll let you do whatever you want to me...even that."
She looked at me wide eyed and I nodded.
For years she had wanted to mimic that tryst I had with Lydia ages ago but I never let her touch me there.
At some point I just decided that the front door was enough but lately...with Dani coming out with another prototype made specifically for back there...well Santana has been itching to try it.
But I put my foot down.
My back just couldn't handle it.
And frankly, I wasn't sure I could either.
"What about your back?" She murmured, not sure if the kids were within earshot.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out, babylove."
"This is the BEST DAY EVER."
I made love to her with everything that I had and she sang, oh God did she sing for me.
And it was the sweetest thing I had ever heard.
But then she fell asleep without touching me which I knew she'd make up for.
I'd given her my all and she needed a minute.
And so a minute I would give.
I left her tucked in the bed as I made my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
And just so that I could have private conversation I turned on the shower.
"Hey girl, I take it you heard."
"Yeah and I just wanted to thank you."
"So she's not pissed?"
"Thankfully, no."
"I'll admit after her first album tanked, I was nervous when you suggested this."
"I know but your star power came through."
"No it was that album. No one buys albums anymore but from what I have seen, each song...especially the one with you two is a hit. She should be thanking you. It was your belief in her and my trust in your belief that convinced me."
"Thank you for trusting me, I haven't felt that in awhile.
"Well it's time you started to feel it."
"I deserve the distrust and right now I expect it so I really want you to take the credit, Mercedes. I don't need it."
"You sure?"
"Absolutely. Thank you."
"You okay? You sound sad?"
I wiped at my eyes as I got all weepy. The hormones were definitely kicking in already.
"No, I'm just hormonal today."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"I might be."
"If you are, I want you to know that I've been praying for you two and know that this would only be something she'd allow if she trusts you completely again. Let her love in, Q and don't let her momentary hurts break you as someone who was cheated on, I need you to know that she might snap at you but if she's doing this with you and is there every day then just give her time. Promise me?"
"Thank you, I needed to hear that. I promise."
"Good. You keep God first, Lucy Q and you won't go astray again."
"I will."
"I love you and miss you."
"I love you and miss you too." I said and almost immediately there was tapping on the door. "Shoot, I have to go."
"Bye girl."
"Bye."
I sat there for another moment and then swallowed back my new tears before I unlocked the door.
She came in and looked nervously at me and then at the phone I was clutching.
"Who was that?" She asked, sounding just as insecure as ever even after all the loving I had just given her.
"How much did you hear?" I asked, probably not making it any better but I had to know.
"Just the end, how you needed to hear something and then the I love and miss you." She bit her lips and then let out a sigh as if she was readying herself for some giant heartbreak. "Who was that, Luce?"
I typed in my pass code and then handed her my phone.
She crinkled her eyebrows as she took it and then with no shame went through my call history. I let Mercedes' words sink in even though I wasn't feeling them right then.
"Tell me you trust me, Santana." I said with as much of a smile as I could muster.
"I do."
"No, I need to hear the words, please?"
She sighed as she handed my phone back.
"It just, from what I heard it sounded...like before with him."
"Truth...this album drop was all me. I didn't want you to know but I called Mercedes yesterday after you sent the album and I told her about that argument we had just before your first album release."
"Why?"
"Because I think you're good enough to drop a surprise album, even though you hate surprises as much as I hate tea and she told me that it was a big risk, that if it flopped you'd never forgive her, so I told her if it flopped I would take all the blame and if it didn't she could take all the glory. I was just calling to thank her for trusting me."
"Oh."
"I told her I hadn't felt trusted in so long but she told me that you trusted me deep down even if you aren't ready to fully show it, so when you're ready it would really be nice to hear you say those words. Okay? I'm not rushing you. You deserve all the time in the world."
I wish I can say that we made out after that or that she gave me a lilting soliloquy on trust and all it's forms but she just leaned forward and kissed my head.
She told me that she loved me.
And then she smiled sweetly before climbing in the shower without giving me what I needed.
I had to be okay with it.
We wouldn't be perfect over night, there would be moments like this for years according to my therapist and they had already decreased substantially but in someway that made it feel worse when she did doubt me.
Because I was never ready.
My guard was always down and so I left the bathroom, got dressed in the first things I found and I left the house.
Right then I just needed air and space but I didn't turn my phone off or even take the car because I needed accountability and a limited range of distance.
Instead, I walked and walked in the rain until my tears stopped coming and my body ached.
And when I felt like I'd pass out, I walked into a church, went down to the basement and joined a meeting that was already in progress.
During the coffee break, while everyone got up and a few mingled I pulled out my phone to one text message.
Take your time, I'm not rushing you. You deserve all the time in the world, love.-S
Somehow, even without saying it, I could feel the trust in her words.
Here I was pregnant with her baby, out in the world without telling her where I'd be and she was telling me to take my time.
No demands.
And no shallow barbs.
Just the trust that whatever I was doing, was something I needed and that she'd wait for me because like her I also deserved time.
MAY
A GRADUATION & A DEATH
Lydia gripped tight to my hand as we all waited for the words.
And then they came.
"Beth Shelby Fabray-Lopez." And then we broke into cheers as our girl strutted across the stage.
We'd shown up in full force.
Even Mercedes and Rachel had come, which made the kids go insane.
Beth was hot shit and now everyone knew it.
Not that she cared.
Santana was in the aisle snapping pictures and crying her eyes out.
She'd put in the work with Beth for all of these years and no one felt prouder than her to see our girl graduate at the top of her class.
And when Beth stood to give her Salutatorian she got more cheers than the Valedictorian.
Because she's my kid, so of course she did.
Alicia stood just in front of us, a full year younger than Beth, with tears in her eyes as she blew kisses towards her love.
Lydia raised an eyebrow and turned to me.
"That's her?"
"Yeah."
"Like mother, like daughter." She snickered and I grinned.
"You best believe it."
When we got back home, just us, happy that we had pushed the graduation party until evening...we all collapsed on the couch.
"You could be out joy riding, kiddo." Santana said through a yawn.
"With me, for Froyo!" Gabe added.
"And me!" Chirped Sasha.
"I know but I just wanted to come home and savor this."
"Lounging on the couch?" I asked and she nodded.
"Yeah, after today I'm no longer a high school student, I'm nearly an adult and just for now, I'd like to take my time and savor this moment."
I looked at her and she winked at me.
"I can't believe we're back here, yet again." Gabriel grumbled as he and Beth settled in my sister's guest room a week later. "I hate this place."
"I know kid but we have to be here for Mama, its important to her, trust me California isn't as amazing to me as it used to be. Being in this place was the beginning of all that mess between Mama and that manwhore."
"You don't think she'd get nostalgic and do something else do you?"
"Nah, I think she's over it. What I'm worried about is Mami getting even. You know who lives in this city."
"Who?"
"Brittany."
"Eww, she better not!"
"Lets just get some sleep." Beth grumbled. "We have a long day tomorrow."
"Night."
I stood just outside the door with a hand over my mouth as I silently cried for every reason imaginable.
My hormones were officially haywire, now more than ever.
The house was still and Santana had in fact gone off to some undisclosed place once we touched down at LAX. It'd been hours and I was hoping that it was just some record business stuff.
I had to trust her.
Even if it killed me.
I was curled up in the den a while later after making sure that Sasha was asleep in my niece's room when the door creaked open.
The click, click of her heels was a little uncoordinated and the smell of her was different.
"You up?" She whispered before she let out a small hiccup and then giggle.
"Yeah." I said back with my back to her.
"I had a little too much champagne. Mind if I turn on a light?"
"Go ahead."
And then she did.
Her hair was pulled away from her face and her eyes were wide as she crawled across the bed.
"Can I kiss you?"
"You never need to ask." I mumbled just before her gloss covered lips met mine. She gripped my nightgown as our lips crashed and I moaned.
"So...I was wondering...are you up for some adventure?"
"San it's 3 in the morning."
"I know."
"And my sister's husband just died."
"I know."
"What about the kids?"
"They're asleep...come on."
I took her outstretched hand and then shuffled into my flip flops.
"Where are we going? Should I change?"
"You're beautiful. Do you trust me?"
I raised an eyebrow.
"Yes."
She smiled and then came another hiccup before she said, "Good, I trust you too...more and more each day."
"Thank you."
We ended up taking an Uber to an ice cream shop that had bacon ice cream, that still happened to be open before making our way back to my sister's. I was worried that the lights would be on and people would be looking for us but as we snuck back in the den, the house remained silent.
I cuddled up with my wife in the dark after feeding a craving I didn't know I had.
"Santana?"
"Yes, love?"
"I'm scared."
She pulled me tighter against her.
"Me too."
"You are?"
"Of course. Being scared though, is okay Luce, it means you're checked in to life. That you're aware of your surroundings. I would rather you be scared than oblivious any day."
"Yeah?"
"Yes and that is why trusting you is becoming easier because you are beginning to be that girl that dragged me out of that bar and saved me from myself even though you had your own demons to fight. You saved my life all those years ago and trusted in me when I didn't trust myself. It's been a tough road lately but I finally get to repay you for that time in our lives. I know how hard it can get but we got this, Q."
"Can I ask one thing?"
"Sure."
"Who hangs your moon these days?"
"You do, that hasn't changed."
A weight lifted from me and I finally let go that last wall as I wept against her.
She held me for the rest of the night, saying sweet things and telling me all the things I needed to hear.
And then just before we fell asleep she said the thing that I needed more than anything else.
"I forgive you, now it's time for you to forgive yourself."
"Where you go, I'll go/'Cause I belong with you"
EPILOGUE
A BIRTH
She held tight to my hand and never took her eyes from mine.
"Just breathe,"
I remember with Beth, I'd cursed and screamed.
And how I felt ripped and hallowed.
But this time with her looking at me and smiling at me,
I felt pain and peace.
My soul felt fuller by the second.
And then a cry pierced the air and I could see her pride.
"You did it, Luce. He's beautiful." We'd wanted to be surprised.
And so we had waited until this moment.
"He?"
She nodded and I smiled even bigger.
"Gabriel is going to be so happy."
"Yeah he is."
"Thank you for him." I said to her and she shook her head.
"You did all the work, Luce and you did an amazing job. I love you, I love you, I love you." She sang.
At the end of my pregnancy, I had been confined to my wheel chair as a precaution.
That time coincided with our move to New York and a house with no ramp.
Which meant that moving around was near impossible.
So Santana had parked me in front a of a computer and had me order everything we could possibly need for the house, then gave me free reign to nest to my heart's content.
Meanwhile she started school, she was in a program that felt as time consuming as Med school but she showed me the difference between us.
She left stress of school at school and dealt with problems immediately.
When she felt overwhelmed, she turned to me instead of other people.
The lack of drive she'd shown towards the end at Drexel was a far cry from the person she was at NYU.
And the fact that she had a platinum album that demanded that she perform at award shows didn't even make her flinch.
She had so much finesse and I found myself in awe of all that she was.
But credit hog that she used to be aside, she gave credit to Rachel, who had shown her how to juggle life like a BOSS.
Nothing suffered.
The kids were happy.
Our baby was loved.
And the sex was off the charts amazing.
We'd finally hit a groove after 15 years of ups and downs.
I no longer worried about the time that we wasted, instead I took Beth's promise to heart.
My kids were kids. Play dates, silliness, and games galore.
I stopped rushing and started savoring.
And that my dear reader is what life is all about.
Seizing life and loving it all, the good, the bad, and the stupid.
A/N: A promised epilogue months/years in the making. I am finally writing my own novel but I couldn't leave this unfinished. While most of my readers might be gone...this was for me. Thanks for rocking with me. THE END. :)