Arc 2: Shadows of the Past
Chapter 12: Death Is Not An Option
Emilia conjured icy spikes before Petelgeuse halting any thoughts of escape he might have harbored. Her freezing gaze cast upon him, she was struck by the nauseating sensation of hating someone she had loved. When she looked at the crazed man before her, the memories that painted themselves across her eyes weren't gentle memories of days gone by but rather of Subaru being mangled before her.
No matter how much rage boiled within her, her heart still remembered. She still remembered those gentle days as they walked through the forest, a family in all but name. She remembered the blush on Fortuna's cheek when she and Geuse had made eye contact. All of it was near buried in the sea of flames her rage brought forth–much like the forest around her.
"Minya," Subaru cut off Petelgeuse's about face as he leaped next to Emilia once more.
"How? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why!?" With each question Petelgeuse's teeth forcefully carved out another strip of flesh from his hands which he had shoved into his mouth. A sadistic parody of a sane man chewing his nails down out of nerves.
"You should not be able to see. Impossible. Inconceivable. Unthinkable." Petelgeuse ripped his thoroughly masticated hand out of his mouth with such force that Subaru was surprised he didn't rip out his own tongue–the reddish pulp the flesh on his fingers had been reduced to exposed for all to see.
"For the honored vessel to take this proof of HER love and desecrate it. Soil it. Trample upon it. Spit on it. Violate it. Debase, defile, befoul it."
"Unforgivable. Incorrigible. Despicable. Intolerable. Contemptible. Deplorable. To deny her love while being so loved."
Petelgeuse ranted as his blood soaked, mutilated hands clawed upon his face with such force that Emilia and Subaru were amazed he hadn't plucked out his own eyeballs in his violent self-mutilation.
Geuse–who had been so beloved to Emilia–no longer existed, or at least it had been easier for Emilia to think that way–however, as her elven eyes stared through the fog of rage something became quite apparent. Apparently one of her bad traits had been learned from Geuse all those years ago.
"You're punishing yourself aren't you," Emilia's voice danced in the wind barely more than a whisper, "for something that you can't even remember anymore?"
"You think me so slothful as to forget even a bit of the love SHE so graciously blessed me with," Petelgeuse barked out with a snap of the mouth so violent that blood poured out from where his teeth had pierced his upper lip.
"Even when the memories start to fade away, the fact that someone loved you never goes away," Emilia spoke from her own experience, an uncharacteristic strength in her voice–normally as soft as the tingling of silver bells, but now colored with the icey sharpness of a cold blade's edge.
Her attachment to the forest and the statues within had been driven by a lingering fondness of people wiped from her very memory. Beloved memories ripped forcefully from her with the emptiness of the void left behind to ravage at her soul. Those years of happiness–agonizingly unwitting to her–had become a driving force keeping her moving as she wasted away in loneliness. Much as Pandora said, she had filled in the blanks as she pleased–with nothing–as she atoned for an imagined sin. The real sin was no less heavy, but was softened by bittersweet memories.
That's why Emilia knew, "Your love was real, but it wasn't Satella that you loved."
"How blasphemous. To be so slothful to deny HER love that fills this world so!" Petelgeuse shouted as the force of his exclamation tore the capillaries in his bulging eyes leaving them bloodshot.
"Can you really tell me that you don't feel anything when you hear the name Fortuna?" Emilia pressed.
As Emilia gazed fiercely at him, for a moment her eyes sharpened–in that moment she resembled the one she'd revered as her mother.
"How dare you! I am not so slothful as to let my heart be swayed by such trickery. Unseen hand!" His eyes quaking with a more disturbed madness than usual Petelgeuse lashed out aimlessly.
"Those dirty hands won't land a single finger on her," Subaru outstretched his hand–a straight hole for each unseen hand was spawned in and consumed the shadowy appendage before regurgitating it towards Petelgeuse from behind.
"Al Huma!" Emilia cast–a ripple of frost freezing anew the permafrost. Before her outstretched hand an icicle the size of a skyscraper was launched towards Petelguese.
His unseen hands still flailing back towards him–writhing in the chilling wind–unable to put up any meaningful defense. In bug-eyed desperation, Petelgeuse thrust out both arms and shouted, "Ul Dona!"
His magic cast–the Earth rose up and wrapped about him in a defensive cocoon, as Petelgeuse curled up bracing for impact. The titanic iceberg crashed into the earthen shield, and Petelgeuse and his hastily cast barrier were driven through the forest ricocheting against the trees in a manner reminding Subaru of a pachinko ball. Most importantly he was launched deep into the forest where no Witch Cultists were to be found.
"Puck?" Emilia was suddenly freed of the drain of mana that had been imposed by their temporary contract.
Shaking her head, Emilia forced the thought aside and focused on what needed to be done. Emilia and Subaru gave chase, intent on ending the fight quickly. Emilia, especially so, a victim of her sins was right in front of her. This was her forest, her friends, and her most precious person on the line. Emilia was determined that she wouldn't lose anyone again.
The ball of Earth that Petelgeuse had entombed himself in shattered as it crashed against the ground for the last time with a thunderous crunch. Petelgeuse's body, having been almost curled into the fetal position, was launched from within and tumbled about the snowy landscape for nearly 100 meters.
Petelgeuse had nary a moment to shake off his daze from his flight before Emilia was in front of him, her hand softly placed on his chest. Before Petelgeuse could utter a single word he was thoroughly encased in a block of magically fortified ice.
"To stop at such a half measure," Petelgeuse taunted, "is indeed slothful."
"If you fail to kill me then it will be by your hands that you will kill that boy you care about so much! Every moment of hesitation is you killing him! An unseen shot through the chest taking his heart with it and scattering it about this forest!"
"Unseen hand," A maddened shout raged across the first as Petelgeuse's eyes stared into nothingness–his gaze unheeding the world around him.
As the hand raced towards an unprepared Subaru, an unwitting reflex consumed Emilia's body–her mind back in the past when Geuse's unseen hand had run Fortuna through. A sword of ice spawned in Emilia's hand and a frantic swing of her sword cleanly removed Petelgeuse's head from his body.
Emilia had not had a moment to think, and she had nary an instant to mourn before Subaru grasped his head agony and began to scream. Subaru's spirits–who seldom left his side–were slain in the blink of an eye as shadowy limbs birthed from his back and swatted around him viciously. Blue mana scattered and gently faded against Subaru's skin as tears rolled down his face.
"How slothful," Subaru's neck cracked violently as he tilted his head to the side.
"To let your guard down–get out, get out, get out," Subaru's voice broke through the madman's rant. As Subaru struggled against the unknown intruder, the eldritch hands that writhed about towards Emilia withdrew.
"Subaru, what's wrong?" Emilia cried.
"Get away from me! He's inside of me!" Subaru shouted as his face distorted wildly–the manifestation of his internal struggle.
"The ordeal is at ha–not going to happen." Subaru continued to argue with himself.
"Emilia, I need you to kill me," Subaru's scream echoed vainly in Emilia's ears.
"No, I won't. We'll get him out." Emilia shook her head, tears running down her cheek as she refused.
"I can't stop him," Subaru shouted as the arms he had forcefully withdrawn oozed out once more.
"Please stop me before I hurt you!"
Emilia slowly walked forward heedless of the danger. An unseen hand launched forward but Emilia continued unflinching. And without fail the hand was yanked aside before the shadowy fingertips were within range to even graze her. She walked forward believing that Subaru would not let it happen.
"Please before it's too late!" Subaru shouted his voice hoarse in desperation as he frantically redirected the mad man's attempts on his best friend's life.
"Everything that matters to me gets taken away. Mother Fortuna, Geuse, everyone in the forest, even Puck. They got hurt because of me. I can't, I won't. I'm not letting anyone take you away from me–especially by my hands. You and Clarissa are all I have left, and I'm not letting anyone take you away!"
Emilia gently placed her hand on Subaru's chest and he was encased in ice from the neck down. No longer having to fight his body's urge to move, Subaru could focus on keeping the unseen hands under control.
"It doesn't matter Emilia, we'll fix it next time. Please don't make me watch him hurt you!" Subaru begged.
"Doesn't matter!? What about you, Re-" In a fit of desperate rage Emilia began to utter that which should not be spoken.
As time froze a hand from within Subaru and a hand from elsewhere emerged from the shadows–whilst two overbearing presences made themselves known. On both sides of Subaru a being emerged from the shadows. One taking the appearance of an elven woman with silver hair–faded as if she were a mere phantom–and the other remaining shrouded in the shadows, but of seemingly identical stature. Emilia recognized the woman as Satella from their meeting almost a year ago, but the sight of the other one gripped Emilia with numbing terror.
The eldritch hands reached into Subaru and yanked a spirit from within him out. The being still wrapped in darkness batted the spirit aside with contempt before turning towards Emilia. Unable to move, Emilia watched as the woman–no the witch's–shadowy appendage narrowed in on her. The Satella she knew batted the hand aside with her own and cast a sad smile her way. As the darkness faded away and Emilia and Subaru melted back into the flow of time, Satella wrapped Subaru in a gentle embrace as her phantom faded back into his body.
"I'm…back," Subaru's face drooped with exhaustion.
Emilia frantically melted the ice she'd encased him in. As Subaru collapsed bonelessly, he found himself drawn forcefully into Emilia's body as she wrapped her arms around him in a desperate bear hug.
"You…you idiot!" Emilia wailed as her embrace tightened even more.
"I could never kill you; how could you ask me to do that?!" Emilia's freshly shed tears dampened his shoulder as she nuzzled her head against him from above.
"And I was just supposed to watch as he used my body to kill you! I couldn't live with myself!" Subaru shouted back in frustration.
"Then how do you expect me to!" Emilia pulled here head up right and met his gaze dead on, so close that there noses were practically touching.
"It wouldn't matter if I died, and you know that!" Subaru pressed onwards.
"It matters to me. If you just keep getting hurt for everyone–it's not right, I won't let you." Emilia bit back out, practically shouting.
"Better me than you! It doesn't matter what happens to me as long as everyon-" Subaru's rant was stopped by a vicious slap on his left cheek.
"Look at me Subaru! I hurt too when you get hurt. You're the same, that's why you were so desperate to keep Geuse from taking over. Dying hurts–if we just keep choosing to let you die…I'll lose you just like I lost Geuse." Emilia's voice went softer as she pleaded with Subaru.
"I just want to protect everyone. All my spirits were killed, if I don't fix that then I might as well have killed them myself." Subaru collapsed with a sob onto the permafrost.
Emilia couldn't really find the words to say. It was a thought she'd had all too often herself. If she hadn't lost control of herself the forest wouldn't have been frozen. If she were Subaru she'd surely know the right words to make things better. But she wasn't, she was Emilia–a stupid, silly girl who only knew how to get everyone around her hurt. Never more in her life had Emilia wanted to be someone else–someone who wouldn't attract dangerous monsters and would know the right words to help the person who mattered most to her.
A rising plume of smoke in the distance got the pair's attention. Judging by the direction and the distance, it was most likely coming from the village they often traded with.
"No," Subaru sobbed.
Even if they were to run as fast as they could it would be at least an hour before they could arrive from where they were. Far too late to do anything. Far too late to save a single person.
As Emilia gazed forlornly in the distance, a glint of light caught her eyes. Turning towards Subaru she saw that he had picked up a sharp icicle from the earlier fight, and brought it up to his throat. Seeing the slightest movement of Subaru's hand Emilia leapt at him.
With stunning reflexes Emilia pulled his arm away from his Neck and preceded him down to the ground by his arms. Forced down on his back Subaru looked up to see Emilia's face twisted in terrified anguish. Looking at her, the will to resist left his body. He'd only ever wanted to protect Emilia and make her happy, the thought that he was the one that had hurt her like this made him sick to his stomach.
"I'm sorry," Subaru sobbed.
"Forgive me," Subaru begged.
And then the floodgates opened and Subaru cried, cried, and cried until he had no more tears to shed and then cried some more. Subaru had hurt Emilia, let his spirits die, let the village die, and probably had let Puck die. He couldn't even fix any of it, because dying would hurt Emilia. Return by death was not an option he could choose. So Subaru begged that any of the people he had failed would forgive him.
Emilia pulled Subaru upright and gently held him in her lap as he cried. Unsure what words to use she just held him. In an hour or so Subaru had passed out crying in her lap. Gently laying Subaru on the ground, there was one thing left for her to take care of.
Slowly, ever so slowly Emilia walked over to where Geuse's decapitated body lay. Kneeling down next to it, Emilia reverently removed the hair clip she'd received from Fortuna. She placed it on Geuse's chest and took a halting step backwards.
Pointing her palm at Geuse she incanted, "Goa."
There was no time for a burial, so this stand in for a funeral pyre would have to be. It was the first time Emilia had ever used her magic to make a flame.
"Goodbye Geuse."
The last bits of her past were cast in flames. Emilia no longer wanted to be–rather could no longer be–the little girl who looked to her mother to solve her problems as the people she loved got hurt. Her tears could wait for later: Emilia needed to get Subaru to safety, retrieve Clarissa from her hiding spot, and figure out what happened to Puck. Deep inside a part of Emilia wondered if the fact she paid no heed to the villagers made her a bad person–but Subaru mattered more to her than every single person in the village. She certainly had no intent to watch Subaru die for them.
As Emilia carried Subaru, nothing but the crunching of the snow beneath her feet to keep her company, Petelgeuse watched his own funeral from a distance. Regrettably his newly acquired body was poorly compatible and the ordeal would be out of reach for today. Finding where he had lost his gospel was a higher priority anyways. Truly Petelgeuse was slothful, but he had seen HER and that was enough to carry him forward another hundred years.
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AN: Honestly I hate this chapter so much. I had to write it so many times and it always came out badly. Got a big promotion at work (I'm now a Database Developer) and had some health issues (gout and kidney stones) that kept me distracted. Originally I intended this to be Emilia's named chapter and focused on her confronting her past and choosing who she wants to be, but Subaru's issues just wouldn't get out of the way. Sorry the return chapter is so short…but I don't think anything else belongs in this chapter. Fun fact though, the idea that Emilia would leave Fortuna's hair clip with Geuse's "body" was planned from the very first chapter. A lot of the concept for the story came to mind years ago listening to 追憶の欠片 by Imy (not Malice Mizer). You could think of this as the theme song for the first couple arcs if you want. I'd put a link but I know FFN doesn't like that and I'm not sure on AO3 ToS. Thematically a lot of this was about Emilia and Subaru coming to terms with their past and writing the next page of their story, or that was the intent at least (and why I really wanted an early Petelgeuse encounter).