Chapter 1
He should have known better. When the invitation from Malfoy Manor had come he should have realised it was more than that. He had never been much liked by his housemates. His status as a half-blood made sure of that. If it wasn't for the fact that he was proficient in potions and the dark arts he doubted he would even be tolerated. As it was, Lucius Malfoy had taken an interest in him. He had taken the time to meet up with Severus in Hogsmeade, which had the intended effect of putting an end to any outward animosity his housemates had shown him before. Avery had even stopped hexing him in between classes. Still this didn't change the fact that he was valued, not for his friendship, but for his usefulness. Not all sixth years could brew potions that would have the same effects as imperio. Not all 14 year old's had the knowledge to invent a curse such as sectumsempra. But why would he ever be so stupid as to think that someone wanted him to come to their stupid Christmas celebration. After all, he had heard the whispers, the silent discussions in the Slytherin common room. Had noticed Lucius's insinuations in his letters to Severus. He knew Lucius was a part of it. The Dark Lord's rising. He was coming to liberate them all, they said. He was going to cast aside the ignorant muggles who had forced them into hiding all this time. Severus, like many others, had agreed at first. Why should they cower? Was it not their right to live in the open? Why should they, who were more powerful, more spectacular, have to hide.
Then the killings had started and Severus, among others, had realised that it wasn't liberation they sought, but supremacy. The right to lord over the muggles, to treat them as inferior. If Severus was more vengeful he would perhaps have agreed. After all he had hated his father, the only muggle he was close to. Hated him for what he had done to his mother. Hated him for the bloated corpse Severus had found when he had come back to Spinner's End at the end of his fifth year. After retching up his insides at the sight of his mother he had hated his father even more. For there were hand prints on his mothers neck and Severus knew who had put them there. The muggle authorities had taken half a year to finally find the man. And when they did it was only another corpse. This one in a hostel in Bristol with both wrists cut open. Severus had been alone then. Truly alone. Lily was gone. Forever. Severus had seen to that. His mother lay six feet under damp, cold earth and would never stroke his hair again.
Severus hated wizards too, however. Specifically the one's who called themselves the Marauders. They hadn't known about Severus's hopes when he had first come to Hogwarts of course. His hope that this wonderful castle would be a refuge from all things ugly and hateful. They didn't know about his despair when he had been wrong. They hadn't let up this year, despite his mothers death. Severus had assumed that Lily would tell them to lay off him for once, but she hadn't. He didn't deserve her protection, really, but he had thought.. She had known his mother so he had simply assumed.. He consoled himself with the thought that perhaps she didn't know. Perhaps she hadn't seen the muggle police cars drive into the dingier parts of Cokeworth over the summer. He had not seen her once this summer so it wasn't impossible. Perhaps she was visiting one of her friends. He had, however, seen Petunia. He had been sitting on a bench next to the pharmacy, waiting for the officers to be finished ransacking his home. She had seen him too, because she had stopped, she had looked at the police cars and then back at him. He had been shocked to see her coming towards him. Even more shocked to see her holding a cigarette. Petunia smoking?
"Alright Snape?" She had said, looking towards the red and blue lights outside his house. He had just stared at her. She seemed to realise her question wasn't going to get an answer. "Dumb question, yeah?" She had sighed and slumped down next to him on the bench. He continued to stare ahead. They had said nothing for a couple of minutes.
"My mother's dead in there." He didn't know why he said it, the words just came out. "Dad choked her to death." She had looked at him. Then after a few moments she stretched her arm out over his shoulder, squeezing. The tears came then. It was pathetic. He was pathetic.
Perhaps this was why he had agreed to attend the Malfoy Christmas celebrations when the invitation had come. Perhaps he had been so starved for human companionship since that one shoulder squeeze that a full meal of it was to big a temptation to pass up. He had purchased new dress robes of course. He had a summer job now, at an apothecary in Diagon Alley. They paid him well enough, so he could afford it. Narcissa had, surprisingly, written to him, asking if he would like help picking something out for the festivities. They had scoured Madam Malkin's for something Narcissa would consider acceptable and when Severus had returned to his dingy home he had startled to see a smile on his lips when he had looked in the bathroom mirror. He remembered the flicker of hope in his chest then. Was this perhaps the start of something new. Would the future Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy take it upon themselves to actually befriend him?
His hopes of friendship would, of course, be crushed the very next evening. He had arrived at Malfoy Manor and it was the worst mistake of his life. Second only to what he had called Lily in a moment of humiliation and anger. Immediately upon entering the room where the festivities were being held, he had been escorted by a house elf, Lucius had spotted him. He grabbed Severus by the shoulder and steered him inside, as if they were old friends. Lucius introduced him to many faces that evening. Faces he knew were often covered by silver masks in pictures from the daily prophet. Severus had felt coldness when he realised it, but there was nowhere to run. Dolohov gave him a smile that seemed all too knowing and Severus immediately put on a mask of indifference. Avery was there as well, he gave Severus a scathing look from across the hall. Macnair and Yaxley were both in attendance. Strangely so, was Crouch Jr. Severus wondered what the boys father would think if he saw him here.
After making the rounds and shaking many hands, Lucius had turned to him:
"Severus," he said, a gracious smile on his lips. "you know how much I value our friendship, yes?" Severus nodded, feeling the rising panic inside of him, but keeping his face absolutely expressionless. Lucius looked relived. "Well I was hoping to introduce you to-" Lucius was cut of by a hand on his shoulder. The blonde man looked up to see his father, Abraxas Malfoy, standing beside him. The older man was looking down at Severus disapprovingly.
"Are you quite done Lucius? I was hoping we could have this done before the whole night has passed." The older man said, still staring at Severus.
"Father I was just about to explain to Severus here-" Lucius began but was cut of again.
"No matter, I will take him." Abraxas said in a brusque tone of voice and suddenly there was a hand on Severus's shoulder, carting him away from Lucius and towards the end of the hall. Severus looked behind him, to Lucius, hoping to convey as much pleading in his eyes as possible. When Lucius saw the expression on his face he suddenly looked terribly regretful, but he did nothing as Severus was moved through corridors and up stairs. Nothing, as he was pressed down to kneel on the floor in front of a man he knew to have committed atrocities, in a room full of witches and wizards who he knew to be murderers. Severus, in a last attempt to save himself, occluded. He had always been good at it and he knew the Dark Lord was a gifted legilimens. He filled his mind with thoughts of hatred towards his father and of feelings of betrayal from Lily. A cold hand grasped his chin, tilted his head upwards and suddenly he was looking into cold, red eyes.
The Dark Lord was a charismatic man. Not only was he handsome, he spoke with such conviction that it made you want to believe every word and it made Severus so afraid he was scared he was going to bolt. But he couldn't. He would be killed. The whole mansion was filled with death eaters. He spoke to Severus of retribution for injustices done to him. He told him that he saw his potential, all the while Severus saw a branding iron being heated up in the fireplace out of the corner of his eye.
The pain of it was excruciating. He had never felt the cruciatus curse, but he imagined it to be something like this. Later, he was brought back out into the hall by the Dark Lord himself. Everyone clapped politely and he spent the rest of the night staring into a cup of wine, holding back tears caused by the stinging in his left arm. Narcissa spent the night next to him, not forcing him to speak. She knew, he suspected, that he hadn't wanted this. Had she wanted it? Probably not, he reasoned. Narcissa had always been kind and he had never known her to spout blood-purist propaganda. They were stuck now, regardless of their feelings. At the end of the night, once guests were starting to trickle out, she kissed the top of his head and asked in a low tone if he'd like to spend the night in her flat in London. He accepted, feeling numb in a way he hadn't felt in a while. They weren't really friends, but he supposed they could pretend.
They side-along apparated to her flat, since Severus was still too young to have his license. They spent the rest of the night laying on their backs, next to each other, on her satin clad sofa. They held hands and spoke of nothing in particular. Of Severus's plans after school, of Narcissa's work at St. Mungo's and of teachers they liked or despised. They fell asleep that way, hand in hand.
The next morning, Narcissa doted on him incessantly and he let her. They had breakfast in her sunny kitchen, sunlight streaming in from the window above the sink. It shined beautifully in her silver-blonde hair. They agreed to see each other again soon. It was a vow. A vow that they would look after each other. Just before he left Narcissa pulled him into a hug, and he melted into it like a child. They stood there for a while, in each others arms, silent, until Narcissa whispered into his hair like she was sharing a great secret:
"Go to Dumbledore." Before he could ask what she meant, she disentangled herself from the embrace and he was ushered out of her apartment.
For days he had been confused about those last words. What had she meant "Go to Dumbledore"? Severus had, quite frankly, never liked the man. He knew the old Headmaster was building something, some kind of resistance against the dark lord, but Severus couldn't forget the injustices that had gone unpunished during his years at the school. Black should have, by all rights, been expelled for what he had done to him. Instead Severus had been made to vow to never speak of what he had seen and been sent on his way. The wolf had, of course, tried to apologise. Multiple times in fact, even though it hadn't really been his fault. He had noticed that the other boy was spending less and less time with his friends lately. Severus had read about lycanthropy, he knew there was no way to control yourself while in your animal form. So no, he did not blame Remus Lupin for the claw marks on his rib cage.
If the rumours were true and the Headmaster was, in fact, building up a resistance what would make Narcissa think he would be allowed in. He was a death eater now. Branded for life and bound forever in service to a murderous maniac. Dumbledore would probably sooner see him dead then offer him refuge. There was something about Narcissa though. He felt he could trust her and he felt the brand on his skin like a death sentence.
And so he found himself, a couple of days before school would start up again after Christmas break, on the path up to Hogwarts from Hogsmeade under the cover of night. He had spent the last few days in his house, readying it for sale. He didn't want it and saw no point in keeping it. He made enough from his work at the apothecary to support an apartment during the summer. Perhaps he could even ask Narcissa if he could live with her, paying half the rent of course. That would be nice. It was snowing heavily and he regretted not bringing a cap to keep the snow from his eyes. He had placed his hair in a bun at the back of his head, Narcissa said it made him look much more put together so he had taken her advice. It was, however, a little disconcerting, not being able to hide his face behind his hair. When he finally made his way to the front gate they swung open without protest. He made his way inside trying his best to look like a student who'd been at the castle for the entire break. If you wanted to remain at Hogwarts for the break you were supposed to sign your name up, this was the first time ever that Severus hadn't done so, needing to prepare his home for sale.
He came to a stop in front of the door to the Headmasters office, looking up at the gargoyle guarding the way up.
"Ice mice" He said in a low voice and the gargoyle jumped to the side. Severus sighed, thankful the Headmaster hadn't changed the password from last year's. He made his way inside and stood on the ever moving staircase. Once up in front of the door he hesitated. What if the Headmaster shooed him away as he had done so many times before when Severus had told him about the Marauders? While he stood there deliberating if he was going to go back down again, a voice was heard from inside the office:
"Please come in Severus." Albus Dumbledore's voice sounded from the inside. Severus swallowed a lump in his throat, steeled himself and opened the door. He had been in this room once before, back when Black had seen fit to kill him. The Headmaster's office itself was a large circular room with many windows and many portraits of old Headmasters and Headmistresses. The portrait of the immediate predecessor of the current Headmaster hung behind the Head's desk, and those of their earlier ones were mounted on the surrounding walls. Fawkes, Dumbledore's pet phoenix, was present of course together with an abundance of delicate looking silver instruments. In a corner stood, what Severus could only assume, a pensieve for viewing memories. Behind the desk directly in front of Severus sat the Headmaster himself, glinting eyes behind half moon glasses. "Sit, my boy, please." The Headmaster said, gesturing to the plush chair in front of his desk. Severus watched himself sit, as though from outside his own body. Why was he doing this? What did he think to accomplish by coming here?
"Severus my boy, are you quite alright?" The Headmaster asked, shocking Severus out of his numb state. He couldn't find anything to say however, so he did the only thing that felt right in that moment. Perhaps it would get him killed on the spot and then it would all be over. Finally over. He rolled up his left hand sleeve and put his arm out on the desk in front of Dumbledore. The skull and the snake. The skull stared up at him, accusation in its empty sockets. The mark was still red as though infected. Severus knew it wasn't however, having immediately dumped his entire arm into murtlap extract upon returning to his home after spending the night with Narcissa. No killing curse came and after some time staring down at his own arm Severus looked up at Professor Dumbledore. The glint behind the man's eyes was gone, replaced by.. was that moisture in the old man's eyes?
Severus felt hot rage rise up within him. He did not want this old man's pity. The flare of anger died quickly however and Severus slumped in his chair, taking his arm off the desk and pulling it back into his sleeve. It was quiet for another couple of minutes in the office while Severus searched for something to say. Finally he settled on:
"I did not want it. I was branded against my will. I didn't even know that that was what they were going to do until-" He was interrupted by Dumbledore reaching over and grasping his shoulders, tears still in his eyes. Severus was horrified to realise that there were tears in his own eyes. They trailed down his cheeks silently.
"I know my boy, I know." The man across from him said in a soothing voice. "I know, and I thank you for coming to me with this. For trusting me enough." Severus just nodded, where else could he go? Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort feared and the Dark Lord did not take kindly to traitors, if he found out, Severus would be hunted, tortured and then killed in short order. "Now if your willing, would you tell me what happened that night? I've heard from Mrs. Black already but I would hear a full account-"
"Narcissa has been here?" Severus asked, surprised.
"Why, yes." Dumbledore said a smile coming over his lips. "She's a member of our order, in secret of course, but still a member nonetheless." Severus was stunned. He knew Narcissa hadn't wanted to become a death eater, but he hadn't thought she would actually take action against the Dark Lord. He felt pride swell in his chest. She was brave, much braver than he. Over the next hour Severus recounted the night at Malfoy Manor his encounter with the Dark Lord. By the end Dumbledore looked contemplative, after some time he said:
"Well Severus, what you have told me tonight both troubles me and fills me with great hope. On the one hand it saddens me to hear that young witches and wizards are being branded as death eaters against their will, even if we don't know how many. It seems as though Mr. Malfoy thought you much more amenable to the idea than you actually were. On the other hand if you and Mrs. Black had the courage to come to me for guidance, others might yet do the same. Now I believe it's high time I actually imparted some of that guidance, instead of just questioning you my boy." Severus nodded in agreement and the glint reappeared in the Headmaster's eyes.
Severus learned much that night. He also gained a duty, a purpose: become the orders eyes and ears within the death eater ranks. He was not the only spy, he learned. For one there was Narcissa along with one other who Professor Dumbledore didn't tell him the name of.
"I don't put all my eggs in the same basket, my boy."
Leaving the headmasters office and trudging down the long path down to Hogsmeade in the dark, Severus thought that perhaps this was redemption. He needed redeeming after what he had said to Lily and maybe this was a way to do it. The headmaster had told him to expect his owl, or phoenix rather, soon. He wanted to take Severus to the Order headquarters personally. Waiting for the Knightbus to appear he looked up at the stars and felt that perhaps that night at Malfoy manner hadn't been his doom.