Chapter Eight

mad woman

Three Weeks Later

My knuckles hurt as I continued to assault the punching bag in front of me. Throwing jab after jab, landing a spin with a kick every so often. Sweat poured off of me, in what I was pretty confident was a real unattractive manner.

I spent two hours every morning in the gym that the Saviors all trained in. I got here before anyone else could wake up, not wanting anyone to see me brutally attack an unsuspecting punching bag or fling around a machete like a mad woman.

I put all of my anger into getting my body back to normal, perfecting my right hook, making sure I could slice the machete through anything. There had been a few times some Saviors had stumbled in at the end and just watched me like I was about to turn my fists or knives on them.

Every punch, every swing, every slice and kick and jab, held a memory that I was trying desperately to beat out of my head.

Kick.

"Harder, Piper. You're stronger than that," dad whispered in my ear.

Jab, jab.

"Come on, my fearless girl. Put more weight behind it," my mom breathed.

Swing.

"You're going to end this shit, big sister. I know it," Colt cheered in my head.

Some days were worse than others. Today wasn't particularly great, but I'd had worse days.

The last three weeks had been hell. I tried to fill my time, tried not to sit in my room too much, although most of the time I did, just staring at the walls. My mind ran all the time. Sleep never came easy. Most nights I'd sit straight up in bed covered in sweat and my heart pounding, grabbing the knife I'd stolen from the gym from my night stand, like someone was about to attack me. But the only attack that came was in the form of a panic attack.

I ate all of my meals in the kitchen with Ms. Ellie, the older woman offering the only comfort I could find in this place. Our conversation was always easy, but I could see the sadness in her eyes as she watched me sometimes.

I hadn't seen Negan during the last three weeks, although he was in my thoughts often. A small, really annoying, seed had sprouted with regret for how I had treated him. He could still suck a whole dick for lying to me and manipulating me when he could have just offered me an out. But I shouldn't have hit him. I shouldn't have lied. It might have all been a game to him, but it was very fucking real for me.

So, not only was I grieving the loss of my family, I was grieving a man who was very much alive.

Life's real fucking cool right now.

Ms. Ellie had let me know that Negan had gone out on a run, presumably to find the list I had given Fat Joey for him, detailing all the supplies I needed and where I knew they could be located. She had told me that he would be back today sometime, which is probably why this poor punching back was dealing with my unyielding attack.

In that same conversation, Ms. Ellie had mentioned that Negan had previously had an entire fucking harem of wives, but had "let them all go". She'd laughed hysterically when she'd seen the disgusted look on my face and muttered, "I had the same expression when I learned that too, sugar." When I had asked her why the wives had been dismissed, she'd given me a look and simply told me that for a smart girl, I could be really stupid. Whatever that fucking means.

I didn't think I could handle seeing him today. I didn't trust myself around anyone yet, especially not him. I didn't want to yell or fight with him. I sure didn't want to put my fucking hands on him again, like a giant asshole. But I couldn't stop thinking that he had played me like a fiddle. Like I was some stupid girl who just needed a man to pay attention to her for five seconds and I would fall all over myself to do whatever he said.

Which I had, if I was being honest with myself. For months, the sun rose and set with Negan. We spent so much time together that I knew what he would say before he said it. I could tell when something sarcastic was going to fall out of his mouth or when he was going to roll his eyes. After our first time meeting, he'd find excuses to come back to Purcellville and he'd always hang around to spend time with me after meetings with Brendan. We'd lay in the field of wildflowers or we'd walk through the woods, talking. Just enjoying being around someone else.

When Brendan started getting suspicious of all the time we spent together, Negan started sneaking in at night. He'd scale the wall when I knew the guards were changing out and spend the night with me in my room. He knew me better than most people did, sometimes even better than my family. I'd told him about the me before and how much I wished I could be that girl again, with him murmuring promises of making me feel safe enough to get back to that one day. He read me books and calmed me down after every panic attack.

But he told me just as much about himself, too. He told me about his wife, Lucille, and how her death had completely wrecked him. He told me about leading people at the Sanctuary and having to make decisions that he hated making. How he couldn't trust anyone, because everyone wanted something from him. Given, he'd never told me about the fucking wives during these long talks. Which made me wonder, with what I knew now, how much of that was bullshit and how much was true.

We never actually had sex during all the time we spent together, though we did do pretty much everything else. He'd respected it when I told him that I didn't want to go further than that yet. But fuck if I didn't fall victim to that incredibly talented tongue of his. It was thoughts of that fucking tongue that made me pound into the punching bag harder.

Piper, even with a tongue bestowed upon him by the devil himself, we don't fucking think that way about meglomanic's with a God complex.

"You're knuckles are bleeding a bit there, friend," I heard a female voice say to my left.

I jumped roughly six feet in the air and my hand flew to my chest. My eyes fell on a girl that looked to be about my age. She had blonde hair piled on her head, her blonde just a little darker than mine, and blue eyes, with a nose ring that looked like it belonged on her face. I could see a dark tattoo on her neck and she was wearing tight leggings and a cut off black t-shirt. Her left eyebrow was raised slightly as she looked at me.

"Did a man piss you off? Because I feel that on a spiritual level," she commented, shooting me a small smile.

I didn't know why, but I could tell that I already liked her. I laughed, the sound foreign at this point, and nodded my head.

"Yep. But currently, I'm just pissed about how much I don't want to hate him. You know, real fun shit," I replied.

She grinned again and nodded in understanding.

"I'm Laura."

"Piper. Did you want to use this? I was about to leave anyway," I said, backing away from the punching bag. I needed to go wrap my fucking hands.

"Actually, I was kinda hoping you could show me some things? I've seen you in here before, but you usually look so intense that I don't want to fuck with you. You're pretty fucking good at the little spinning kicks you do and I really have to know how to do that."

Her eyebrows raised a little in anticipation.

It shocked me a little. I knew I was good at hand to hand combat. I had worked for the CIA for three years before the world went to shit, and I made it a point to know how to defend myself in every sense of the word. I was only a Science, Technology, and Weapons Analyst, but I was often sent to some real sketchy places and wanted to know how to fuck someone up if they tried me. No one had ever asked me to teach them how to fight, though.

"Uh, yeah. For sure. I usually come down here at about five every morning. I'm done for today, but if you want to start meeting me down here in the mornings, I'll show you what I know," I responded, my voice displaying my obvious confusion that someone wanted to be trained by me.

"Kick ass! Thanks, Piper. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, definitely," I said, as I backed away from the now excited woman and left the gym.

On my way back to my room to grab some clothes that weren't soaked through with sweat, I felt a small smile tug at my mouth.

Look at me. Making friends and shit.

I groaned, actually groaned, as the pasta hit my mouth. Pretty sure my eyes started rolling back in my head for a second.

"Ms. Ellie, you've outdone yourself," I mumbled, shoveling another bite into my still full mouth. "You're a saint. You deserve a raise."

She laughed as she slid into the stool across from me and picked up her fork.

"I remember you telling me last week how much you missed your grandma's pasta salad, so I made do with what we had. Is the dressing okay?"

"Be so serious. It's heavenly. It's the best. I could eat this every day. Literally every day, for every meal."

I was talking while chewing, which I knew Ms. Ellie hated, but I couldn't help it. I swallowed my food before looking up at her again.

"I forgot to tell you something. This morning, when I was at the gym, I had a girl ask me to train her on hand to hand. So like, not to brag or anything, but I might be making friends," I told her, sending her a big smile across the table.

It was easy around Ellie. Her company soothed something in me. She never made me talk about things I was uncomfortable with. She never asked too much of me. Plus, she always had something good to eat.

"Ohhh, sugar! Who was it?" She asked, leaning across the island like I was about to give her some really hot gossip.

I laughed at her obvious excitement.

"She said her name was Laura," I responded, taking a moment to shove more food into my mouth.

"Laura's a sweet girl. She's a Savior. She does quite a bit for Negan. Definitely one of the more trustworthy ones of his group. She's always been real nice to me, too. Always coming into the kitchen to tell me if she really liked something I cooked. She's been here for quite a while, I think. Towards the beginning."

"Well, if she has your stamp of approval, I'll take that as a good sign," I said, smiling up at the woman.

For the second time that day I almost had a stroke, as the kitchen door slammed opening, flying into the wall behind it. Dwight walked in, looking at me with his lip curled slightly.

"Dwight, I do hit men for fun sometimes. Don't look at me like that or you'll be the next one," I said, smiling brightly at him. I heard Ms. Ellie snicker across the table.

Dwight rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Boss is back. He wants to see you. He's in his office," with that he swung around exited just as quickly as he entered.

Well, that sure took the wind out of my sails. I looked at Ms. Ellie, who looked slightly concerned, but was making a valiant effort to try to hide it. I made no move to leave, deciding to finish my bowl instead. I wasn't letting this go to waste after Eleanor had worked so hard on it.

"Oh, so you're just trying to push his buttons, huh? You know that man doesn't wait for anything," Ms. Ellie said, clucking her tongue, but smiling at me at the same time.

I laughed. "I haven't seen him in three weeks. He can wait five more minutes."

But five minutes turned into twenty as I finished eating and talking to the older woman.

When I was done, I jumped up from my seat and put my bowl in the sink.

"Wish me luck?" I said, smiling at her as I backed towards the door.

"Luck, prayers, thoughts, miracles, everything," she said, as she shook her head.

I laughed and bounced out of the room, feeling excitement bubbling up in me, that I quickly tried to repress.

Don't think about the tongue. You're mad at him. Indefinitely mad at him.

As I made my way to Negan's office, I thought about the conversation I heard between him and Dwight in the woods. Like I had said to Negan, I really had been trying to catch up to him to just give him back his radio when I heard him. I hadn't heard what Dwight had asked, but Negan's response had been enough.

"I'm not going soft, you fuck," he snarled, his boots snapping twigs as he walked beside the man with the mangled face, "She's a means to an end. Do you know what we could fucking accomplish with her working for me? She's a nice piece of ass with a brilliant fucking brain, but women who have actual thoughts aren't exactly my cup of tea. I need her to come willingly. I need her to want to do what I fucking say. Because as soon as she does, I will be unstoppable."

I felt the disappointment wash through me again. What a fucking asshole. Who says that shit? Women with thoughts aren't my cup of tea? The ick that coursed through my body was enough to make me shiver.

I shook off the irrational anger that threatened to course through me again. I needed this conversation to go better than the last. I needed him to hear me and all of my thoughts and do what I asked of him.

Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, I repeated in my head as I came up to his door.

I ran my hands over my maroon t-shirt and tight jeans, making sure I didn't have food on me. Because I was also a giant asshole, I pulled the shirt down a little and adjusted the girls, making sure a little cleavage was visible. I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling out any tangles, and squared my shoulders.

Just be cool, calm, and collected. Everything will be fine.

I plastered a neutral expression on my face and turned the knob, stepping inside the room.

Whatever conversation had been taking place between Negan and the three other bodies in the room, stopped immediately. My gaze drifted across the large space. I recognized Laura, who shot me a quick wave and smile. Dwight was leaning against the wall, closest to the window, shooting daggers in my direction. And Simon who shot up from his seat and started striding towards me with a giant smile on his face.

I let out a genuine squeal of actual excitement as I jumped on the man, who caught me easily in his arms. His laugh rumbled through my body.

I had met Simon shortly after meeting Negan. We had struck up an easy friendship and banter, bonding over how much we loved pushing Negan's buttons. He'd spent a few weeks in Purcellville, ironing out some details of the trade deal that Negan and Brendan had agreed on and during that time, our friendship only grew. He'd had dinner at my house multiple times while charming my parents with his sarcastic mouth and stories from before and after the world "fell directly in the shitter". He was crass, but so was I. We were an unlikely pair, but he really was one of my closest friends.

"You look fucking great, sugar," Simon said, his arms still wrapped around me in a bear hug.

I laughed into his shoulder.

"Wish I could say the same for you, old man."

He set me down on my feet and grinned at me. He kept his hand on my back, but not in an unsettling way. Simon was one of the few people I trusted implicitly.

"You scared the fuck out of me, you know," he said, his voice going low and his smile dropping.

"Oh, Si. Just had a temporary lapse in judgment. But I'm back and meaner than ever." I laughed as I pulled him into another hug.

I felt a twinge in my chest at what he had said. I wasn't ready to talk about anything yet. I didn't think I would ever be. I just wanted to do what I needed to, and figure out everything else later.

"Sugar, I'm real fucking sorry about your parents and Colt. Connie and Peter didn't deserve that shit, neither did Colt," he whispered into my hair.

I patted his back twice in recognition of what he said, but kept my mouth closed. I couldn't cry right now.

Simon took the hint and didn't bring it up again. He pulled back from me with a promise that we were going to have dinner together this week, and my eyes eventually drifted from his smiling face to Negan's… not smiling face.

He looked annoyed, pissed and ready to thoroughly pummel someone. That someone very likely to be me. Even mad, his face was so fucking handsome that I wanted to just stare at it a little longer.

You're mad. Big mad. Fuck that guy and his stupid fucking good looking face.

I flopped into a chair close to Negan's desk and smiled up at him, more so to piss him off further than anything else.

"You seem like you're in a great mood today, boss man," I said, keeping the sugary sweet smile on my face.

I didn't know why I was goading him. Except I did and it was definitely because I wanted to see him snap just a little. I was having a decent day and pushing every button Negan had made it even better.

He squinted his eyes at me and tilted his head slightly.

Oh. I'm very, very fucked.

"Everyone out. Now." He demanded.

Dwight and Laura immediately started heading towards the door. Simon brushed his fingers across my shoulder and I looked up at him. He gave me a look that clearly said, "don't fuck with him today". I just smiled in return. He rolled his eyes and left behind the other two.

I turned my gaze back on Negan, who hadn't stopped staring at me. And he continued to stare until even I got a little uncomfortable and shifted slightly in my seat.

"Are you going to apologize to me?" He asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"No, definitely not. Next topic," I said, leaning back in my seat and throwing my legs up on the little coffee table in front of me.

I knew I shouldn't piss him off. I needed his help, but I locked the logical me up in my brain and let the crazy part come out to play.

"I think I fucking preferred when you couldn't remember anything, doll," he gritted out, dropping into the seat behind his desk.

"I think I fucking preferred not knowing what a raging asshole you were, but we don't always get what we want, huh? Anyway, did you find it all? I'm assuming that's why you were gone so long. Did you get everything?" I asked, moving past the need to keep poking the bear and on to more important topics.

When I had been producing for Brendan, I had purposefully not mentioned places, thinking that at some point I would need this stuff for myself. And boy, had I been right. Those were the places I had provided to Negan.

He sighed, running his hands over his face.

"I did. Which was a pain in the fucking ass, by the way," he huffed, sending a glare in my direction.

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

"Good. Have you heard anything else about Brendan?"

"Yeah, he's continuing on, business as usual. He's been making visits to other groups more often, and I heard that he's painting what happened in Purcellville as a brutal attack by yours truly. Completely un-fucking-provoked," he said, laughing lowly, and stacking some papers that were haphazardly strewn across his desk.

I sat there for a moment, a question eating at me. One that I didn't know if he would answer truthfully, but I decided to ask him anyway.

"Why didn't you kill him that day? After I… fell."

He stilled, his eyes glancing up at mine for a second, before looking at his desk and pretending to shuffle some papers around. He cleared his throat and sat back again, looking me in the eyes.

"He ran off after he shot your brother. I was… I was busy trying to save you. I didn't see where he went and I didn't try to look for him," he said, his left eye twitching slightly.

I nodded my head slowly.

"Piper…" He sighed my name. "We have to talk about this shit."

"On that note, I think I'm going to take a nap," I said, jumping up from my seat and turning.

I started walking to the door but he was on me in a flash, before I could even register that he had moved. His rough hand clamped around my wrist and he spun me around until I was facing him.

Being this close to his face did nothing good for me. My heart picked up a little and I had to sternly tell myself that I hated this man. That nothing between us had been real, only a manipulation tactic to get me to follow him blindly like the rest of his people.

"I get that you're going through so much shit right now, Piper. Really, I fucking do. But you're going to listen to what I fucking tell you right now, because I'm not going to repeat myself. Do you understand?" He asked, his amber eyes displaying how fed up he was with my shit.

"I -," I started, before his hand released my wrist and clamped over my mouth.

"Don't care, just nod yes or no. Do. You. Understand." He repeated.

Who the actual fuck.

I nodded my head, my eyes shooting daggers at him.

"Good girl. Now, let's start simple. Don't ever put your fucking hands on me in anger again. I let that shit go the other night because I knew how fucked up you were over everything. If it were literally any other fucking person in this place, I would have stuck them in the basement cells so fast their god damn head would spin. I would never physically harm you and I expect the same courtesy from you. Do you hear me? Just nod," he said, keeping his hand over my mouth.

I stared at him for a long moment. I knew I had fucked up the other night. And I did regret hitting him. Even being as mad at him as I was, I shouldn't have done that. So I gave him one single nod.

"Excellent. Now, I've told you before that I don't trust anyone and I meant that shit. I don't. That just comes with the job. Dwight had asked me if I was going soft because of you, because I was sneaking in like a fucking high schooler to see your stubborn, stupid ass. And I would like you to make note that I was sneaking in to see you and I wasn't even getting laid. I was sneaking in just to see you, Piper. Which is kind of fucking wild, if you really think about it," he said, removing his hand from my mouth and crossing his arms over his chest.

His eyes burned into me, never leaving my face.

"Dwight was questioning my leadership, my strength, and you were still in that place, already in danger. I wasn't going to put an additional target on your back from an outside source or a new one on mine for no fucking reason. So I said what I said. And I apologize that you fucking heard it. But what really just chaps my ass is that after six months, six fucking months of knowing me, you didn't just wait to talk to me about it. You assumed the worst. You let that shit get to your head and you assumed that I was a manipulative dick," he said, actually looking a little hurt as the last words left his mouth.

"Which I fucking am, but not to you. Never to you, Piper. If I had wanted you, only for the shit you could do for me, I would have just taken you without a second thought. You know how the fuck I operate. You know what the fuck I do. I've never hidden that shit from you. And yeah, I'll admit, that first day I met you, I already knew that you were a fucking wizard with guns and shit and I may have walked into that conversation thinking I could just force you into jumping ship and coming back here with me. But I didn't," his eyes softened just a little while he looked at me.

My heart was thundering loudly in my chest and I was worried that he could hear it.

"I know that you fucking know I'm telling you the truth. You can read people like a damn book. Fuck, you were trained for that shit. Yes, you are a nice piece of ass. Yes, you do have a brilliant fucking brain attached to you. But we both fucking know that's not why I kept coming back.

"You can lie to me and yourself all you fucking want, wildflower. But I was there when you jumped. I saw it all. I saw the way you looked at me before it happened. You can fake a lot of shit, but you cannot fucking fake that. You cannot fake the six months before that. Neither of us could," he said, his arms unfolding and his hands coming up to scrub his face for a second before he dropped them to his sides.

"I'll do whatever I can to help you the next few months, Piper. We'll wipe Purcellville off the map, if that's what you want," he stepped closer to me, our chests pressing against each other and his scent washing over me as he brought his hands up to cradle my head, "but this, us, is fucking inevitable. Fate, destiny, a prophecy laid out by the devil himself. Whatever you want to call it, it's fucking endgame. Do what you need to, kill who you need to, and figure your shit out, Piper, because I'll be waiting for you when the smoke clears."

He stepped back, his arms falling to his sides again. I just stood there, staring at him with my mouth slightly open. A fire burned in his eyes that left me speechless.

"Now that we're finished with all this sappy shit, you go take your nap. I'll see you in the morning. You can walk me through the plan while I show you everything I brought back for you."

He reached around me and pulled the door open, his eyes still locked on mine. It took me a second to regain myself, but when I did, I practically ran from the room. I needed to put as much distance between myself and that cocky, sweet talking assface as I possibly could.