A/N: CW for discussion of suicide/suicidal ideation (sort of? I don't know if it even actually counts as that, but I'm covering my bases. Nothing gets crazy, I promise.)
Thanks again to DiplomaticPrincess for beta reading this final chapter and offering some advice that definitely helped the quality overall.
Echo Base had been destroyed.
The first major ground the Alliance had made in years had been reduced to smoke, a heap of mangled equipment, and wrecked speeders. Leia had made it out, but just barely and, to her dismay, Han was the only one to thank for her survival.
The Falcon had, of course, chosen that very day to fry some component that had left the hyperdrive useless. They were pointed in the direction of a planet where Han had a friend who might help them, but it was going to take six weeks of crawling along at sublight to arrive.
I will be fine, Leia assured herself as she attempted to fall asleep hours after they had finally set course for Bespin. Sure, the most traumatic events of her life had started with a faulty hyperdrive. And, sure, she had caught a glimpse of Darth Vader as they had sprinted toward the Falcon and had been able to think of little else sense. And, sure, Han had painted over the drawing of the Falcon that had once adorned the bulkhead next to the bunk she slept in and helped her remain in the present upon waking — after all, he had been on his way out, and had likely assumed that she wouldn't sleep on the freighter ever again. Despite all of that, she needed to be fine.
Leia was not surprised when she woke screaming herself hoarse. Not surprised, but still mortified once she got her bearings and saw Han kneeling next to her bunk. The moment felt like a repeat of the night she had first recognized he might have feelings for her, except she was far less inclined to collapse in his arms.
Not safe. No one's safe.
"Leia?"
Han's voice was deep, calm, and gentle, but she had been crushed by that very voice time and again. The tears running down her face made her feel exposed, weak, and she could not be weak with Han. Not now.
Leia scrubbed at her eyes viciously, scooting backward in her bunk until her back hit durasteel. "Please go," she sobbed, the veil of panic that seemed to taint everything around her refusing to dissolve. "I'm sorry if I woke you, but I just need to be…"
Alone.
Not here.
Not with you.
Not at sublight.
Not here.
Han winced, but he nodded and rocked back on his heels. "We still got some of that tea you like," he said quietly, standing fully upright. "Have some mocoa on board too. Chewie said to leave it with you on Echo, but I got to thinkin' maybe if we came back…" He shook his head and forced a wry smile along with a careless shrug. "We got tea. Both kinds."
Leia narrowed her eyes slightly, wary of accepting the offer. Han had been so confusing since leaving Hoth. He had been combative, then…less so. They had kissed, which, in the moment, had felt akin to taking a big, gasping breath after spending far too many seconds underwater. But Leia had had time to mull things over since, giving skepticism opportunity to infiltrate her mind.
Han had broken things off. They had both behaved heinously toward one another, but he had broken things off, and now he…
He seemed to want what she had never quite been able to stop wanting, no matter how thoroughly she managed to convince herself otherwise. And she wasn't sure what the best step forward was, especially since he had made it clear that he intended to leave the Alliance.
His offer of tea was kind and considerate, two things she knew Han to be despite their interactions over the past several weeks. Accepting that offer felt like acquiescing to his attempts to return to what they had been before Ord Mantell. Muddying those waters seemed dangerous, at least while she trembled all over, remnants of a nightmare still clouding her mind.
She shook her head. "No. Thank you, but I just need to be by myself."
Han nodded and turned halfway toward the door. "We'll be okay. I know sublight's… It's a hazard. I know. But we're movin' in mostly empty space…" He looked at her abruptly, worry evident in his eyes. "I won't let 'em capture you again, Leia."
She pursed her lips, averting her gaze and opting to stare at her bent knees. "If we're boarded by anyone with ties to the Empire, and I can't get to a weapon or am otherwise unable to do it myself, I want you to frag me."
She could feel his stare but couldn't bear to look him in the eye. He didn't say anything, and after an agonizing minute of silence, Leia prodded, "Promise me, Han."
"No," he said, tone laden with a sort of stark finality that told her he had no plans to entertain an argument about the topic.
Leia lifted her gaze to meet his, glaring through a new batch of tears. "Fuck you, Solo."
She was met with a deadness in his eyes that she didn't expect. Han scoffed and shook his head. "Tea's in its usual spot," he said before leaving the room.
Leia allowed another sob to erupt from her chest once the door whooshed close. Another wave of panic crashed over her, stealing her breath and her voice. If they got boarded and he wouldn't shoot her—If they got boarded—
She couldn't fall into the hands of the Empire again. She couldn't. She wondered if Chewie could be objective enough to—
No. She couldn't ask him to… Asking Han had seemed okay to do given the way their relationship had imploded, but after witnessing his reaction, it felt cruel.
There's always the airlock, Leia thought as she collapsed in a heap on the mattress. The idea was comforting enough that she eventually drifted off to sleep.
When she next woke, breathless and sweating from running from the ever-multiplying number of stormtroopers that took over her dreams, she at least wasn't making much noise. Leia looked at the blank bulkhead next to her, heart leaping into her throat, but she recognized the blanket on the bunk quickly enough to tamp down any residual panic. She checked her chrono, hoping it had been more than a couple of hours and found a mere ninety minutes had passed since Han had been in the crew cabin, offering her tea.
Tea sounded…nice, actually.
Leia shoved herself up into a sitting position and turned away from the bulkhead. She spotted a bright orange glow emanating from the deckplates near her bunk. She had to blink several times to fully comprehend the delicate blossoms of the candlewick flowers that sat within reach.
He kept them?
Even in the dim illumination the flowers provided, she recognized the planter. This was the same plant they had purchased together in that market on Adarlon, the same one she had promised sunlight and fresh air to in the days leading up to their discovery of the destroyed settlement. In her initial wave of grief, she had forgotten about it, and had only remembered it again after Han had broken things off. She had assumed it had died in hold three, along with the other plants they had purchased that day.
Leia reached out and brushed her fingers along the petals of a glowing flowers, her heart swelling in her chest. She stared for a moment longer, tears pooling in her eyes, unsure if she should be grateful that Han kept the flowers or furious that he had kept them from her.
If you'd had them on Hoth, they would be gone like everything else.
The reason was weak, but it was all Leia needed to let the spark of potential anger die. She was too exhausted to try to stoke her own rage when she didn't even know why Han still had the plant in the first place. She would just have to ask him about them — if he was still willing to talk to her after she had been so thoroughly nasty about his refusal to frag her.
Tea still sounded nice, so Leia forced herself out of the bunk and buckled her holster around her hips. The shirt Han had loaned her to sleep in covered her blaster, and Leia found she preferred that to the possibility of being questioned about walking around the ship armed.
The blaster wasn't for Han or Chewie, anyway. Despite her growing anger and frustration and hurt when it came to Han, she still trusted him with her life, and her trust in Chewie went without saying. But if they were boarded, and she had no way out… Leia shook her head to clear out the thought before palming open her door and heading toward the lounge. It was simply better to be prepared.
Han had said the tea was in its usual spot, which would require finding the stool or climbing onto the counter to reach the high shelf where Chewie stashed the sachets and loose leaves. Climbing on the counter was frowned upon by Han…though, she recalled he hadn't complained at all when they had discovered that sitting on the surface increased her height just enough to allow for much easier kissing—
She couldn't let her mind wander in that direction.
The lounge was dimly lit by emergency bulbs, and Leia opted to make her tea without turning on the overhead lights. She approached the cabinet where she knew the tea was kept and glanced at the countertop below it to make sure she wouldn't need to move anything before climbing up.
The tea had already been pulled down, both the sachets of Gatalentan tea, and the loose leaf herbal variety from Kashyyyk. A box of instant mocoa sat nearby as well.
Leia bit her lip, feeling warmth bloom in her chest. Either Han or Chewie had made sure she'd be able to reach the tea and mocoa easily. The careful consideration combined with the candlewick flowers and her already-raw emotions brought tears to her eyes. Leia clicked the kettle on with one hand while she wiped away tears with the other.
She found her favorite yellow mug tucked away in its usual spot in the cabinet, and brewed a cup of the herbal tea, hoping it would help her sleep. Not wanting to return to her bunk quite yet, she headed to the lower turret, reasoning that the quiet and calmness of space would surely help her relax.
She didn't look before stepping down the ladder, and nearly lost her balance when Han cleared his throat to let her know he was there. He turned the gunner's seat just long enough to see that it was her before standing abruptly.
"Gotta check on somethin' in the cockpit," he said quietly, sliding past Leia to the ladder as she stepped into the turret.
Her heart sank, unsure if she could handle whatever this was for six weeks. She looked at Han as he grasped the rungs of the ladder and began to climb.
"Maybe when you're done, you could come back?" she asked softly. Han looked at her stonily. "Only if you want."
He nodded once. "Maybe."
Leia sat on the floor, wanting to be as close to the stars as possible. She sipped the scalding tea and stared out into the vastness of space, wondering what she would say when Han returned.
If. If Han returned.
Her demands earlier had been unfair. Desperation had leaked through and infected every bit of logical thought. Even though she and Han weren't on the best of terms, asking him to frag her… If he had asked the same thing of her…
He had asked even less of her on Ord Mantell, had asked her to just leave him temporarily to get help, and her response had been the same as her response to his refusal to kill her: Fuck you!
More tears materialized, and Leia came to terms with the fact that she was going to be a weepy mess until she wasn't. She didn't know what exactly would make the weepiness stop, but resisting certainly wasn't working.
"Was really fucked up of you to ask me to do that."
Han's voice made her jump, and hot tea sloshed onto her hand. Leia swore, raising the finger most harmed by the scalding liquid to her mouth in an attempt to offer her skin some relief. She turned just enough to look at him as he approached. He dropped next to her on the deckplates and reached for her burned hand, stopping himself and pulling away before he touched her.
Leia lifted teary eyes to meet his gaze and Han knit his brows together. He reached for her hand again, examining the red splotches on her skin carefully. "It hurt that bad?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head and sniffed. "No. No, I was just thinking about how I upset I would be if you had asked me to frag you."
"I would never ask you to murder someone, Leia. Even me." He kept his eyes trained on her hand. "It's sick that you thought I'd consider…"
"I know," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought it up. I'm just—I'm so scared, Han. I—I was—" She shook her head and looked at him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever… I won't again. I'm sorry. I—"
Leia broke off with a sob, feeling herself tremble from head to toe. Han looked at her in silence for a long, long moment before taking the mug from her gently and setting it to the side. He tugged on her hand until she pressed herself close to him, cheek resting above his heart. He clasped her hand to his chest, and Leia slid her free arm around his back.
She closed her eyes and listened to his breath, his heartbeat. Han held her and everything that had felt broken…well, it still felt broken. But Han held her, and that was something.
"You suicidal, Leia?"
The question came out of nowhere, and Leia wasn't sure why he asked. She wasn't. She wasn't. But why does he think…
"No," she assured him. "No, I'm not. You don't need to worry about that."
"You asked to be fragged."
She inhaled shakily. "I'd just had a nightmare and was on edge after everything that happened yesterday. I—I saw Vader as we were taking off from Hoth. I was panicking. I wasn't thinking straight."
"Sticking around Echo when you were supposed to be on a transport kinda seems like a death wish."
If Leia hadn't felt glued to his chest, she would have shaken her head vehemently, but she settled for squeezing his hand. "I had a duty to everyone on that base. It wasn't a death wish."
"You tried to bait Fi into shootin' you on Ord Mantell."
Her stomach churned and tears burned her eyes. How many more tears could I possibly have? "I—I didn't think she would do anything. I thought I was calling her bluff. I didn't think she would hurt you." Another sob shook her body and Han's arm tightened around her reflexively. "I didn't think she would do anything. I—I'm so sorry—"
She felt Han let out a sigh. "Shouldn't've brought that up," he murmured.
More than a few moments passed in silence while Leia regained her emotional bearings. Han held her tightly and stroked the length of her arm.
"I don't have a death wish," Leia insisted softly. "But I can't handle being tortured again, Han."
"I'm not gonna let that happen—"
"It's not up to you right now. If this were about your flying or fighting ability, I wouldn't be nearly as worried, but it isn't." She took a shuddery breath. "As for staying in the Command Center and baiting Fiona…I keep being faced with the fact that I have lost everything, and I get in this mindset where I need to do something to make it worth it because otherwise, what was the point of the loss?"
He didn't respond right away, but once he spoke, his voice was kind and calm. "Didn't lose everything," he said softly. "Didn't lose the cause or your friends or even Threepio, though I dunno if that makes it better or worse."
Leia chuckled sadly. "I've known him most of my life," she murmured. "It makes it better."
A long pause followed and Han shifted slightly. He cleared his throat. "Didn't lose me."
A sarcastic laugh escaped Leia's mouth and she pulled away from him abruptly, shaking her head and wiping her eyes. "Unbelievable."
Han swallowed and reached for her, catching her hand again. "Leia—"
She jerked out of his grasp and looked him in the eye. "You broke things off when I wanted to figure out a way to make them work."
He nodded hesitantly. "I know, but—"
Leia wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes, rocking slightly where she sat. "You decided. You decided for the both of us before I even knew what was going through your head, and then you decided leaving for good was the best option even though you had told me you'd stay with us. So, don't tell me I didn't lose you, Han Solo. I've been losing you for weeks, and every time I'm reminded of that fact, it crushes me a little more."
Han took a moment to speak. "I don't…I don't want to—" He broke off. "It's not you I'm leaving, Leia."
"Bantha shit," she shot back, eyes snapping open. "If it were just about Jabba, I'd…" She took a deep breath. "I'd have understood eventually. I still think there are some other options, but I…I know he's dangerous, and I know him having his eye on me has you spooked. But it's not only about that, and you know it." More kriffing tears flooded her eyes, but she looked directly at him regardless. "You have spent weeks lashing out. I know I haven't reacted perfectly, but you have been downright cruel at times, Han, and I don't understand why. It's like you can't stand that I wasn't falling apart publicly because of a break-up that you didn't want anyone to know about, and it turned you into someone I barely recognize." She pursed her lips and whispered, "You brought up the south passage in front of other people like it was a joke, when you know that day was meaningful to me."
Han shifted uncomfortably. He rubbed the back of his neck and stared at the base of the gunner's seat. "Wasn't sure if it meant anythin' to you, actually. You seemed like you were doin' just fine, like none of it mattered at all."
Leia closed her eyes and had to make a concerted effort to keep frustration out of her voice. "I don't understand—Was this some sort of test or something? Were you making sure I really cared based on how I reacted?"
"Sweetheart, no." She shot him a glare and Han backtracked on the nickname. "Leia," he said. "No. I was worried about Jabba. I'm still worried about Jabba. When Fiona said he was interested in you for his…" He shook his head. "I thought you'd be safer if we distanced ourselves from one another and…" Han took a breath. "It hurt. It hurt a lot to be apart from you like that, so I thought I'd at least try to make conversation with you here and there, and whenever I'd try to talk to you, you just seemed…okay. Every time. Like nothin' ever happened. And that hurt in a different way. I—" He broke off and shrugged.
"Han, I have a militia to help run," Leia said, every word laced with a bone-deep weariness. "I need to be on top of my visible emotions and outward reactions. It's part of my job."
"Wasn't expecting ya to break down in the middle of the Command Center or anything," Han said. "But I'm used to you bein' honest with me, Leia, and everything started to feel real surface-level. Like you didn't trust me any more."
"I don't," she blurted out, and Han looked as if she might as well have slapped him. She wished she wanted to take the words back, but…she didn't. "I trust you with my life, Han, but I don't trust you not to wound me deeply, on purpose. And I obviously can't trust you to keep your word or stick around, so…" She shrugged. She had no real end to that thought.
"Hold on. I wasn't tryin' to…" He trailed off. "I didn't want to hurt you."
Leia scoffed softly. "Maybe you didn't want to, but it seemed like you were willing to do anything to bait a reaction out of me, and the end result is the same."
Han opened his mouth to speak, and closed it abruptly. Leia was surprised. She had assumed he'd counter with the fact that she had clearly kissed Luke to get a rise out of him or one of the other ways she had behaved terribly. She deserved for it to be brought up. But Han seemed to think better of saying whatever was on his mind.
"I needed distance when you broke things off. I was really hurting, and I needed to be able to still do my job and treat you fairly. You didn't want anyone to know that we had been together, so I had no one to talk to about it other than Chewie. I know he would do his best to be objective, but he's also your best friend, so it felt wrong dumping my emotions all over him." Leia's voice wavered and, much to her chagrin, more tears threatened to fall. "I have felt so alone and usually, you're the one who makes me feel less-alone, so I didn't know what to do aside from just acting like nothing had happened."
Han slid his fingers around hers again and pulled her toward him. Leia rested her cheek against his chest and sniffed. He stroked her arm and cleared his throat. "I didn't want to hurt you," he repeated. "Just about everyone I've cared about 'cept for Chewie hasn't had a problem takin' off. I started to wonder if you were like the rest of 'em, if you'd never actually cared all that much about me, and I kept thinkin' if I could know for sure you'd cared, I'd feel better about everything." He paused. "I just felt worse all the time, though. Might've felt vindicated for a bit if I got under your skin, but later I'd realize how much of an ass I was being. Felt like I couldn't stop, though."
Leia let out a shuddery breath and closed her eyes. "I care about you. I have cared about you deeply for a long time, and that never stopped."
She felt Han kiss the top of her head. When he spoke, his lips brushed against her hair. "I haven't stopped caring about you, either."
Quiet fell in the turret, and Leia focused her attention — as she had so many times in the past — on the rise and fall of Han's chest. The familiar, steady rhythm of his breath was comforting, but she knew they couldn't sit in silence forever. They would eventually need to come to some sort of agreement about where they stood with one another.
"I don't know what we should do from here," she whispered.
Han spoke in a low, soothing tone, right near her ear. "What do you want, Leia?"
She squeezed the hand that held hers. "I want…" She sighed. She wasn't sure what she wanted, but her entire body, from her toes to her eyelids, felt heavy and utterly exhausted. "I want to talk about it some more tomorrow, I think."
Han took a long moment to respond. "Okay. Tomorrow." He paused. "You wanna get back to bed, then?"
Leia squeezed his hand again and relaxed further into his embrace. "I want to stay in here for awhile."
Another long moment to respond. "With me?"
"With you," she confirmed. "Like this."
He kissed the top of her head again before resuming running his fingers down the length of her arm. "Like this," he echoed.
Leia teetered on the edge of sleep for what felt like a long while. When he whispered her name, she didn't respond; she was so close to slumber, her response probably wouldn't have made much sense anyway.
From somewhere very far away, Han pressed his lips to her hair and murmured, "I love you."
"So…" Han looked at Leia hopefully as she sipped caf, the dejarik table keeping them a safe distance apart.
She arched a brow. "So?"
His eyes dropped to his own mug. "Was hopin' since you'd said you'd want to talk tomorrow…and, well…it's tomorrow."
Leia nodded, though she wasn't sure how to start. Waking in the turret with her nose buried in Han's neck, feeling his arm around her, hearing him mumble, 'Stay, baby. Please.' when she had shifted away from him had left her feeling raw and vulnerable. She wasn't sure how much more she could say without cracking entirely open.
"I've been really confused," she said carefully, not wanting to rehash their conversation from the night before, but still unsure of Han's desired outcome. "You said you wanted us to be apart — you even said that you knew it would never work out between us — but then you seemed to get upset when I didn't treat you the way I would have when we were together. Now, it seems like you want to be together, but you're still planning on leaving. I cannot figure out what you want, Han."
Han rubbed at his chin, a day's worth of stubble rasping against his fingers. "I want you safe."
Leia shook her head and stared into her mug. "Every time you say that, I feel like I'm fighting with Jan."
"Let's not go sayin' things we can't take back," he said, the slightest tinge of humor in his voice.
She laughed softly and looked up at him, tempted to say, You know what I mean. But, truth be told, she wasn't sure he knew what she meant at any given point any more. Their breakdowns in communication had been spectacular and thorough.
"I'm living a dangerous life by my own choice, and attempting to insulate me from harm is only going to restrict my ability to do my job."
"That's different. The stuff Dodonna wants you avoidin' would keep you from doin' your job. Stayin' away from me doesn't have the same consequences." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Anyway, what I was tryin' to say is that I don't want to be apart, Leia. I never wanted that. But I figured you being safe from Jabba was more important than me getting to be with you. I thought I'd be okay with just sort of avoiding each other, but then you gave me that knife back, and I started wonderin' if you wanted me outta there."
"I didn't. I don't want you to leave, Han. I was just…having a hard time with the knife. I could feel it all the time when I started to have to wear thicker socks on Banas, and it reminded me of something I'd lost and…I didn't need any more reminders of that." Leia pressed her thumbnail into the side of her finger. "I should have probably timed it better. Giving it to you that morning was impulsive, and I'm sure it was confusing."
"Just made me think you didn't want me around. Especially when you swapped your transports last-minute. But, I'd been pretty standoffish, so I figured I'd try to be friendly again at least, and then you were distant even when I was tryin' to smooth things over. When I realized that things were gonna be like that from then on…I had a hard time with it." Han took a sip of his caf before focusing his attention on the contents of his mug. "You were right last night: I was just tryin' to get you to react, no matter what it took. That wasn't fair."
Leia nodded slowly, rubbing her thumb over the handle of her mug. "It wasn't," she agreed. "I can see why the way I responded would have been hurtful at times, though. You tried to return to being friendly at first, and I…I was having a hard time drawing a line between what we'd been before and after we first kissed. It all sort of muddled together, and I felt like being consistently cordial even when you were being confusing was the only thing I could do."
He shot her a wry smile. "Don't know that I'd call chasin' after me to yell at me cordial."
She stared into her caf, still a bit embarrassed by how out of control things had gotten. "I agree. Cordiality was removed from the picture when you said you were leaving. You didn't even tell me, Han; you told Carlist and watched to see if I'd been listening. That was juvenile." She tapped the edge of her mug with a fingernail and tilted her head toward him slightly in a sort of unspoken concession. "So was resorting to name calling and kissing Luke." She raised her eyes to meet his. "I'm sorry for behaving that way. For trying to hurt you."
Han nodded. "I'm sorry, too. For baitin' you like that. For hurtin' you." He paused. "I start bein' mean sometimes when I feel like someone doesn't want me around any more. Makes it easier to leave if I have to, but it doesn't make it right. I'm sorry, Leia."
Leia nodded and buried her face in her hands, unsure of where they were supposed to go from there. Their apologies were genuine, they obviously, obviously still had feelings for one another, but…his debt with Jabba and his plans to leave still loomed over both of them. If she hadn't stayed in the Command Center for as long as she had, he would've been long gone. She'd never have seen him again.
Is he leaving for good, though? He hadn't actually gotten into the details of his plan, and she had assumed the worst possible scenario, but… Leia recalled his mention of mocoa the night before: 'Chewie said to leave it with you on Echo, but I got to thinkin' maybe if we came back…' That, coupled with the candlewick flowers, made her wonder what he planned to do after dealing with Jabba. He knew how much the flowers meant to her; it seemed unlikely that he had intended to keep them forever.
Was he going to try to come back?
She dropped her hands and looked at Han, head tilted curiously. "Why are there candlewick flowers next to my bunk?"
Han shrugged. "Figured if you had another nightmare, they'd be easy to see. Help you realize you're on the Falcon faster."
"Since you covered up the map." He nodded, glancing off to the side. "Have you had them this entire time?"
Han shook his head. "I'd forgotten about them. I found 'em in hold three a coupla weeks after…after we bought 'em. The other plants had died, and they were in real rough shape, but I figured if I could get them healthy again, you'd probably want 'em. Then things were so bad between us, I wasn't sure… Had the idea to leave 'em with Luke or Rieekan to give to you, but then we were being attacked and I ran outta time. Thought I could maybe bring 'em to you when Jabba was done with me, or at least have Chewie do it if I'm not around. Was hopin' to be around, though."
Leia squinted at him. "You're planning on coming back?"
He frowned, nodding. "Where else would I go?"
She opened her mouth to answer, but she didn't have a good response. They hadn't discussed his leaving in a calm or civil manner. She had asked Chewie for details while they waited up to hear from Han or Luke the night the men had spent outside, but he had said Han hadn't shared much of his plan with him — just that they were going to take care of the debt with Jabba. Chewie hadn't been confident that Han had enough credits to pay his own bounty, and Leia knew he didn't. His plans if he escaped the Hutt alive had never been a discussion.
Han reached for her hand and brushed his thumb lightly over her knuckles. "Look, the fact that Jabba's calling for a live capture for you means he's tryin' to mess with me. It's not like he hasn't seen you before; you're kinda infamous at this point. If it was about you, he'd have hired someone to bring you in a long time ago. If he's still wantin' to mess with me, he might let me strike a deal with him. He loves seein' the beings he's pissed at grovel, so I think I've got a shot if I play nice. Once he's done with me, I'll find ya. And, if I'm wrong…Well, Chewie'll have the Falcon. He'll find ya."
The plan was foolish and terrible. Leia was tempted to say exactly those words, but they felt too blunt considering so much of what he was attempting to do was for her own safety — whether she wanted him to or not. Appealing to logic seemed like a better option than immediately rejecting his idea.
She squeezed his hand lightly. "It sounds like we both ultimately want the same thing. You don't want to leave the Alliance?" He shook his head. Leia met his gaze. "You want to be with me?"
"I want you alive."
She leaned toward him, a teasing smile on her lips. "Considering neither of us has mastered communing with ghosts, I assumed that was implied."
Han shot her a withering look, though his heart barely seemed in it. "Leia."
"It's easier to problem-solve if we know what our goals are. If we want the same thing, if we're on the same team, we can try to find a solution that will work for both of us."
"'S startin' to sound an awful lot like work," he said, a teasing glint in his eye.
"It is, sort of. I…" She shrugged, brow furrowed. "I think we might be worth the work, don't you?"
He looked down, appearing deep in thought. After a beat of hesitation, he smiled and looked back up at her, nodding. "Yeah."
Leia smiled back at him and squeezed his hand again, relief flooding over her. She had expected him to agree, but there had still been a chance that he would insist that they needed to remain apart. "What's the likelihood that Jabba drops my bounty if you go grovel?"
Han shrugged one shoulder. "He loses interest sometimes. Figure if no one brings you up and he's already got me, he might cancel it."
"Might. But it's unlikely, isn't it?"
He swallowed hard and dropped her hand, a fresh look of guilt on his face. "Look, I'm doin' the best I can to get it taken care of—"
Leia shook her head. "I don't want you to. Not on your own. It's my bounty; I should have some say in how it's handled."
"It ain't really yours, though; it's an extension of mine. You wouldn't have it at all if I hadn't stalled so much."
"You wouldn't have stalled so much if you hadn't given back the reward for my rescue or been pouring your funds into the settlement," Leia countered.
Han rubbed the back of his neck. "Don't regret any of that."
"I know you don't. But it doesn't change the fact that there are more factors at play here than you avoiding responsibility or refusing to pay Jabba." She reached across the table to take his hand again, tracing the lines on his palm with her thumb. "We have six weeks before we'll even be able to make contact with the Alliance. Maybe we'll be able to think of another plan. Maybe we can talk to High Command and see if there's something that can be done. I'm just asking you to keep an open mind, and include me if you're going to handle something that affects me."
The silence that stretched between them bordered on uncomfortable. Han cleared his throat. "Think I can do that, yeah."
The pressure in Leia's chest that had been her constant companion since he had first said they needed to split up lessened ever-so-slightly. It wasn't a promise to stay, but keeping the lines of communication open was a start.
She clasped her fingers around his and looked up at him again. "I know I can't make you do anything, but I would really like you to consider staying."
For a split second, a mischievous smile was visible on Han's face before he made a concerted effort to appear sober. Leia braced herself for a smartass comment. She wasn't disappointed.
"Because of the way you feel about me?"
She huffed softly and offered him a small smile. "Yes, actually, at least in part. But I think we both know I'm not the only reason you'd be staying."
"Maybe not the only reason," Han said quietly. "But one of the big ones."
Leia stood and walked around the table, closing the distance between them. She placed her palm against his cheek. "You'll think about it?" she asked, unable to keep a pleading tone out of her voice.
He swallowed and nodded. "I'll think about it."
"Good." She leaned down enough to brush her lips against his.
There was no real place to hide on the Millennium Falcon. The ship had its nooks and crannies that served their purpose for smuggling, but as far as truly escaping, there was no way to avoid each other for longer than a few hours. Leia wasn't truly avoiding Han any longer, but occasionally, old wounds resurfaced or misunderstandings stirred up uncomfortable emotions, and she felt the unmistakable urge to run. But running from Han on a small freighter for weeks straight was both an untenable state of being and, Leia was surprised to realize, not something she actually wanted to do, even when the alternative was dredging up painful topics.
Instead of attempting to disappear, she talked with him, and he seemed to do the same. Sometimes, she found that they were really more on the same side than she had originally realized; other times, there were serious disagreements to discuss, but she at least left the interactions feeling as if they were solving problems together rather than wielding those problems as weapons. With every conversation, that ever-present pressure in her chest seemed to ease a bit more, and after a week and a half of consistent communication, it occurred to Leia that she hadn't felt the urge to run in days.
Their days were varied at first. Han and Chewie kept busy making as many upgrades and repairs to the Falcon as they had the supplies for. Leia pitched in where she could, and soon, the list of doable projects had dwindled to nothing.
They developed a sort of routine through inadvertent repetition, the same way they had when traveling for missions. The trio ate meals together most days, Leia and Chewie played three rounds of dejarik after breakfast, and anyone who was interested played a few hands of sabacc after lunch. The rest of the hours were more or less free from structured activity, leaving Leia and Han with ample time to talk and simply be with one another.
Halfway through the six-week journey, they sat on Han's bunk, a datapad propped against Han's legs so they could watch one of the terribly rendered flat recordings of truly horrendous holodramas that he possessed. This one was a poorly acted — but allegedly true — story about a band of pirates that had…done…something very dramatic, most likely. Leia, truthfully, hadn't been paying much attention; she had been distracted by reading the newest set of Han's notes scribbled on the bulkhead next to her. She noted that, despite the fact that he painted over his own notes once he ran out of room, the Alderaanian inscription in her handwriting remained, more than three years after she had written it.
Days until the princess breaks
76543 2 1
She traced her own lettering with a finger, hazarding a look at Han. He seemed to actually be engrossed in the drama, though he apparently sensed her gaze, because he glanced at her, shifted closer, and began running his thumb up and down her forearm before turning his attention back to the datapad. Leia smiled, somewhat amazed by how easy their existence together felt in that moment — and in the vast majority of recent moments.
She leaned her head against Han's shoulder. "We haven't fought about anything in over a week," she murmured.
Han smirked and glanced at her again. "Gettin' bored, Princess?
Leia snorted, the edges of her lips turning up slightly. "Not at all. It's been nice."
He brushed the pad of his thumb against her palm for a moment before returning to tracing a line from her elbow to her wrist. "There ain't much sense in fighting when we're on each other's team, wantin' the same things, even if we don't have all the answers just yet." He pressed a kiss to her temple.
Leia returned to tracing the lettering on the bulkhead. "Why haven't you ever painted over this?" She tapped a nail against the marked-up durasteel.
Han looked at her again, his eyes flitting to where her finger rested. He raised his eyebrows and chuckled softly. "Wasn't gonna just paint over one spot when I was still usin' my own notes, so I figured I'd paint over it whenever I covered the rest. Besides, how many people can say that the Princess of Alderaan vandalized the bulkhead in their bunk?"
"Exactly one, I assure you," Leia said with smile. "But you've painted over all the other old notes at least twice since I wrote it."
He shrugged. "By the time I needed to paint, you'd kinda grown on me, and every time I looked at it, it seemed so you, that I just…didn't wanna cover it. I was kinda fond of it."
"Childish vandalism more or less admitting to eavesdropping seemed so me?" Leia mused, eyebrow lifted.
He shook his head, his expression serious. "Not that. Whenever I'd look at it, I'd remember me an' you sitting next to the fire and talkin' that first night on Indoumodo. You were barely a week out from experiencing some of the worst things anyone could imagine. I think most people woulda been sleeping or holed up by themselves somewhere, but you were informing some asshole who'd opened his mouth one too many times that you had no plans of breaking. Like you could just decide it wasn't gonna happen, and it wouldn't happen."
"We know how that worked out," she said wryly. "I think I've broken down a hundred times over since that night."
Han slipped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "Lettin' people in ain't the same as breaking, Leia," he murmured. She felt him press a tender kiss near her ear.
She leaned ever-so-slightly in to the touch of his lips, closing her eyes for a brief moment to savor the contact. "I suppose that's true," she conceded.
Leia took his hand in hers, lifted it to her mouth, and kissed his palm. That months'-old acknowledgement of Safe. Han is safe. repeated in her mind as she scooted closer to him and rested against his chest.
They still didn't have all the answers; he hadn't made a decision about how he wanted to handle Jabba, and neither of them knew what awaited them when they returned to the Alliance. Uncertainty abounded beyond landing on Bespin, but they were, at least, facing it side-by-side.
A/N: Oh my word. It's done? It's done. I really, really hope this ending is satisfying for everyone :).
This has been, by far, the largest writing project I've ever undertaken, and I am so grateful for each of you who've chosen to see it through. Thank you to everyone who has beta read for me over the past 20 months, but especially DiplomaticPrincess, who has been my main beta reader and cheerleader for so much of this project! Thank you for those who've left comments on most (or even every chapter), and to those who've kept reading without comment! I know there are a fair few of you subscribed to this story, and I'm so appreciative of you taking the time to read my work!
As I've mentioned before, this is my final work that I'm going to post on FFN. If you'd like to see more fic from me in the future, I write under the same username (WalkAwayTall) on AO3 (archiveofourown*org - Sorry, I'm having to get around FFN's blocking of links. Just replace that asterisk with a period and you'll be good). If you decide to head over there, the below note is for you; if not, thank you for reading my works here on FFN!
A note: I don't currently have plans to write something of similar scope for the gap between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, but I have at least one idea for a one-shot that takes place during that period and I may get some inspiration for others, who knows? I will be posting anything that's associated with Purpose of Heritage in the Purpose of Heritage and associated works series, so if you're interested in more stories in the same 'verse, feel free to subscribe! I hope to see y'all around!