"You know, if you don't let me go, you're gonna be in some deep shit." Adam was in a bad mood. He was strung up, arms above his head, legs frozen beneath him, his mouth burned and tasted foul. He found himself staring down at the devil himself (who, for some reason was taking off his vest and burning it- maybe it was some kind of weird threat?). The room was a wreck, most likely typical of Hell. There was a heavy, noxious smelling black sludge caked over the floor. Figured the damned couldn't take care of things. That's why Hell was as fucking forgone as it was. "Sera is gonna be pissed."
"I don't think so. First of all," Lucifer looked toward him, putting the apple head of his staff under Adam's chin, "she thinks you're dead." He tilted Adam's face to look him in the eye. Everything looked a little off, a little flatter. Maybe it was just the poor lighting. Adam could just assume that Lucifer sucked the light out of any place he visited. "Secondly, you're not going anywhere, Adam. You're right where you belong. Down here with the rest of us."
"Bullshit." Adam would gladly have taken the opportunity to spit in his face, but his mouth was both dry and burning (and also, he was too far away.) "I am a Winner. I am favored in the eyes of Heaven. I have divine ordainment motherfucker so you can just choke on my dick and die."
"I saw your dick in Eden, Adam- remember? You were naked all the time. Anyway, if I'm being honest, it's hardly a choking hazard." Lucifer spoke entirely straight faced and Adam struggled harder against the restraints. If he could get free, he could finish the fight they had started. "Also, like I said: You're right where you belong."
"Don't fucking lie to my face. This is a kidnapping! You think Heaven is gonna stand for this!? They fucking love me up there! You thought the Exterminations were bad? Then you are gonna freak the fuck out over the armies Sera's gonna send to save me." Adam glowered at him. If he could escape his restraints, he would really make a point.
"I'm not lying." Lucifer leaned a bit closer, raising a hand up in the air. Adam followed it with his gaze unsure if he was about to pull out a weapon, and chop his head off while he was trapped. "You really don't get it, do you?" He smirked, as Adam pulled back a bit, uncertain of the devil's intentions. The hand above him moved. "Congratu-fucking-lations!" And threw a surprisingly large amount of confetti over Adam's head. "You fucked up enough, and now you're down here with the rest of us!"
"Liar!" Adam repeated, shaking his head to get the confetti out of his hair. "I've never done anything wrong in my whole fucking life. I'm literally perfect."
"You bit the forbidden fruit of knowledge." Lucifer again replied with a complete, deadpan expression. Adam's eyes narrowed.
"Not my fault, doesn't count."
"I mean it counted enough to get you kicked out of Eden." The devil winked, clicking his tongue and shooting finger guns in Adam's direction. It was almost impressive how Lucifer could somehow make that gesture look uncool. That had to be some kind of hidden talent. "But you know what? Heaven has a song, and I'm not one to be outdone." He snapped his fingers. "Hit it boys!"
Adam suddenly became aware of two other Sinners in the room with them. One looked like a pompous, smiling butler who didn't understand the definition of: too much red. (Though he did look kind if familiar. Had Adam fought him before? His memory was a bit hazy.) The other looked like an edgy motorcycle riding gargoyle who never grew out of his 'my parents don't get me' phase. (Though there was an even stronger sense of familiarity about him that made Adam's stomach churn.) The two Sinners exchanged a look at Lucifer's command.
"The fuck is he talking about?" The attention seeking gargoyle asked. (Oh, that voice... that was... almost painfully familiar. Where had Adam heard it before?)
"I have no idea. I just assumed this was something you two had worked out. " The monocle wearing theme park employee replied with a permanent smile. Fucking weirdo.
"Listen, I have no idea what he-" the gargoyle didn't have a chance to finish (the familiarity of his voice was driving Adam crazy) because at that moment, music started to play from... somewhere and the Devil launched into a half-assed rip off of the 'Welcome to Heaven' song that Saint Peter had created.
"Welcome to hell, bitch~ oooh" Lucifer started to sing. "Where the rest of us reside!
A rotting dark ditch, ooooh
Where Heaven left your ass to fry!
You fell from grace right on your face, from heaven you're cast out
That's what this song's about!
Welcome to hell, bitch! Ooooh
I can see you start to cope!
But now you're stuck here! Ooooh~
And ye can just abandon hope~
You broke our little contract when you went on the attack,
And now you can't go baaaaaack~"
"I'm so confused, like did this need a fucking song?
God damn it, Lucifer, how did you make me sing along!?" Now the gargoyle was singing too. What an annoyingly unexpected twist.
"It seems to me that no one's coming,
So please don't make a fuss." Great now they were all singing.
"The consequences of your actions have trapped you here with us!
Welcome to hell, bitch!" Lucifer's dramatic finish included more confetti, balloons, and a dramatic, illuminated sign reading: You're here forever!
"Fuck you." Adam did finally manage to spit onto Lucifer's hat, spraying it with flecks of blood. Lucifer's smile fell as he took the hat off, examining it.
"That was uncalled for. I sang you a song and everything."
"Well, you're wrong. I am not supposed to be here. I didn't Fall. You clearly abducted me to use me as a bargaining chip for Heaven because I'm so important." Adam's jaw clenched as he glared at the being in front of him, the creature of pure evil and hate.
"I swear it's like you didn't even listen." Lucifer sighed as he shook his hat until a full-sized mirror fell out of it in front of the trapped angel. "See for yourself, fucker." Adam squinted. He saw himself, strung up in a mix of tentacles and stone. He was no longer in his battle gear, but rather back in his white robe, but the symbol on his chest was upside down. Though that was far from the most shocking thing. His coloring was split down the middle, skin, hair, even wings- half white, half black. One eye was pale, glowing, completely white, the other was a dark, empty black with a single glowing golden orb that moved as Adam looked desperately around. His halo... his halo was shattered in pieces that still floated around his head, even that was split down the middle in color. On one side of his face, he could see his teeth had grown sharp, the other side of his mouth seemed to just be a white, glowing void. He ran his tongue along his teeth- ow- they were sharp, and it definitely seemed as if he had all his teeth though he could only see half of them.
"What the fuck did you do to me!?" Adam's heart beat faster, he struggled harder against his restraints.
"That's the neat thing about Falling~" Lucifer put his clawed finger between Adam's eyes and poked him. "You did it to yourself!" Adam realized when the finger drew close, he couldn't see it fully. He hesitated, closing each eye in turn and-
Fuck.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY EYE YOU BASTARD SNAKE!?"
"You're eye?" Lucifer looked confused. "Oh shit, you're blind in that eye now, aren't you?" He put his hand on the black, silhouetted side of Adam's face. Sure enough, he tried to look for it, but he couldn't see a thing out of his right eye. "You know, I suspected as much? But it's nice to get some confirmation." He laughed, clapping his hands together, hat tucked under his arm. "Guess you know how Vaggie feels now, huh? And eye for an eye you little shit!"
"No, this is some kind of fucking mistake. I did everything I was supposed to- I am a God damned hero." This was the Devil's trickery. There was no way this was Adam's reality. This was either some fucked up nightmare (which was par for the course, recently) or this was an elaborate trick by the Fallen Morning Star to get some sick revenge on him.
"I mean you got the God damned part right." Lucifer laughed again. "Look at you! The golden child, the First Man, the original Dickhead finally getting his much-needed comeuppance! What a fucking happy day in Hell!" More confetti and balloons rained on Adam's head. "You have no idea how many Sinners are gonna want a piece of you. You are a wanted man, Adam, and I do not mean that in a good way." Lucifer's mouth curled into a smug smile as he leaned back in the air as if it were some kind of throne. "And I get to throw you to those wolves and enjoy the shitshow! Finally, Lucifer gets a win!" He took his hat to put it back on his head, but he paused mid gesture. His gold and crimson eyes widened for a moment and suddenly all the snide confidence melted away in an instant. "Oh no no no no no, are you fucking kidding me!?" The hat went up in flames. "The fuck did you do on your way down!?"
"The fuck did I do!?" Adam parroted back at him. "The fuck did you do to me to trap me here!?"
"I fixed this. You should be fine, you're talking, you're not screaming and trying to bite people, you're intolerable- but that's just your shitty personality..." Lucifer was starting to pace back and forth. The two Sinners watching him, the smiley, posh looking dude seemed rather amused, while they stoney, but familiar Sinner in the leather jacket just kept looking uncomfortable.
"Wow, fucking rude." Adam scoffed. "I am a goddamn delight. Just because I'm charming and not built like a knock off build-a-bear doesn't mean you can project your many insecurities onto me."
"Nope. Not doing this. This isn't my problem. You're not my problem." Lucifer went to the bed and pulled the plush comforter off of it.
"The fuck are you doing?" Adam tried to pull back as Lucifer approached him, blanket draped over his arm.
"You'll be fine. It's just gonna make you think it's nighttime." And with that, Lucifer tossed the blanket over Adam's head. "It's an angel thing."
"THAT'S FUCKING BIRDS YOU ASSHOLE!" Adam tried to get free as the tentacles released him only for his arms to get trapped under the blanket. He got lifted up and flung over Lucifer's shoulder (at least that's who he assumed had lifted him, as he could feel the claws through the fabric. He was a bit surprised his head wasn't hitting the ground.) "LET ME GO!" He started trying to kick, trying to flare out his wings, the right wing was doing fuck all, and the left wing was still trapped in the fabric. He felt an extreme burst of heat on his face before he felt movement.
"Dad? What are you doing?" The voice of that annoyingly perky princess could be heard from outside Adam's prison.
"Oh, hi Honeycrisp!" The closeness of Lucifer's voice confirmed that's who was carrying Adam like a sack of potatoes. "I'm just taking Adam outside really quickly. We won't be long! Also, do me a favor and lock that room no one goes in there for three days. Pretty please, if you don't mind. Toodaloo~"
"What?" The princess sounded confused.
"Don't you worry about a thing. I have this all under control!" If Lucifer was trying to sound convincing, it was failing rather epically.
"He set that whole room on fire; you know."
"He what?!" So that's what that burst of heat had been. It seemed princess what's-her-name hadn't been privy to what happened in the room where Adam had been taken prisoner.
"It's fine. It will be fine, it's just a bit of a biohazard." Lucifer tried to explain himself, but Adam was at his limit.
"HE'S HOLDING ME HOSTAGE! YOU'RE ALL ABOUT HELPING AND SHIT! SO, HELP ME!" He tried again to free himself, but the devil had him in a death grip. He was shockingly strong for such a small guy.
"Dad-"
"Ignore him!" Lucifer laughed. "He's just cranky."
"I mean if you take him, you take him." Adam heard Vagie's voice. Finally! Someone he knew!
"VAGIE! IT'S ME YOUR OLD COMMANDER!"
"It's Vaggie."
"What the fuck ever just GET ME OUT OF HERE!" There was a moment of silence in response to Adam's command before Vagie- or fucking Vaggie or whatever- finally spoke.
"So, are you gonna kill him? Tell me you're gonna kill him."
"TRAITOR!"
"Ugh, not yet." Lucifer sighed. "Not for lack of desire, but things got a little... complicated. Maybe later though."
"I'll help you." Vaggie spoke up quickly.
"You- fuck you too bitch! AHH!" Adam was suddenly on the move again as he heard a door open, and the rotting smell of brimstone tried to assault his nostrils through the thick fabric of the comforter.
"Don't worry, crabapple! Daddy has a very good plan to handle this." He heard Lucifer speak before suddenly the comforter was yanked off and Adam was flung high into the sky in one fell swoop. This was quite the throw, he went flying straight up toward the beautiful light of Heaven. But it was not actually a straight shot between Heaven and Hell, Adam knew this. But knowing it was coming didn't soften the blow as Adam smacked his face directly into the invisible barrier in the sky.
"Mother fu-" Adam spread his wings, if he could get to the door to Purgatory, he could get back to Sera, to Heaven. His wings flapped desperately as he started to fall. The white wing was working, but the black one- he could move it, feel it flapping- but the air just wouldn't catch, meaning he didn't fly so much as he fell sloppily, while spinning in a circle. Before he crashed into the ground he was caught by the back of his robe. He looked up to see Lucifer, wings out, holding him just inches from the ground. It was clearly a clone because Lucifer was also standing in front of him looking pissed.
"Okay Heaven! You're not fucking funny! Take your rabid dog back!" He wasn't looking at Adam, but rather above him. "We don't want him!" The clone holding him vanished and Adam Fell on his face.
"The fuck happened to my wings!?" He started to get to his feet before one of the tentacles from earlier erupted from the ground, wrapping around his waist. The smiling Sinner put a hand on Lucifer's shoulder, gesturing to Adam.
"I think you didn't throw him hard enough, may I?"
"If you don't put me the fuck dow-" Adam started to talk but Lucifer cut him off.
"Have at it."
"YOU COCKSUCKER!" Adam was thrown directly upward again. This time he knew it was coming so he readied himself to grab onto the entrance to Purgatory. Idiots. They were helping him escape. He used his one good wing to try and stabilize, it wasn't going to work great but it was something. All he had to do was open the door and-
Fuck.
Where was the door?
Adam had flown this route many times. He knew where the door was. At least... he should... Adam tried to think on it, but his head started to hurt, something wet started to drip out of his nose- and then he smacked face first into the barrier again. Damn he thought he had avoided that.
He fell back down only to be caught by the clone again.
"Well damn. I really thought I could send him back."
"You tried, and I respect that." Lucifer nodded to the Sinner before Adam was dropped on his face again.
"STOP FUCKING THROWING ME!" Adam got back to his feet, he was dizzy, but that might have been from the head trauma. Lucifer looked at him and frowned.
"Stop throwing him. He busted his fucking nose." Lucifer snapped and a mask wrapped around Adam's face. Adam started to try and pry it off, but it wasn't budging. Lucifer waved his hand and the droplets of blood on the ground vanished in a flash.
"Let me throw the angel!" The voice made Adam jump as he saw a small, one-eyed creature with fiery red hair staring up at him with her singular eye sparkling. "I already stabbed it!" She reached up toward him with grabby little hands and Adam backed away. His memory was a bit fuzzy but seeing her made his heart sink into his stomach. She grabbed the fabric of his robe and he screamed.
"Niffty!" The Princess picked her up quickly before she could get a good hold on Adam. He continued to back away.
"Go back inside," Lucifer nodded to the one-eyed abomination. "You're scaring him and he's already enough of a bitch without the added irritation of him being jumpy." He had the gall to look annoyed. The tiny creature curtsied before scurrying back into the hotel and Adam relaxed a bit, only to jump again as Lucifer continued shouting at the glowing form of Heaven in the sky. "I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW! OR EVER! IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING ALL-POWERFUL YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT!"
"Dad, what are you doing?" The princess and Vaggie were both outside too at this point. Adam had to assume everyone had just woken up because outside of Lucifer, the gargoyle, and the game show host, the others were in pajamas. Adam was annoyed to see that Vaggie looked fucking amused by everything.
"I think he's having a mental breakdown." The stoney faced Sinner had his hands in his pockets, watching everything with an unreadable expression. Adam wanted to hear him talk more, that voice was driving him crazy. He knew it. He knew that voice and the fact that he couldn't think of it was making him feel sick.
"No, I am just trying to return the broken merchandise to Heaven." Lucifer gestured at Adam. "But it appears as if they aren't taking returns at the moment." He turned back to the sky. "YOU COULDN'T EVEN BUY ME DINNER BEFORE YOU FUCKED ME, SERA!? I THOUGHT HEAVEN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CLASSY." He picked a rock up off the ground and threw it at the sky. "FUCK YOU GUYS! DEAL WITH YOUR OWN GODDAMN PROBLEMS!"
"I can't believe I am actually getting to see an old man yelling at a cloud. I thought it was just a joke, but here we are." The Sinner sounded amused. Lucifer scoffed.
"Shut up, Cain."
Adam's blood froze in his veins. His eyes widened as he stared at the man made of stone. For a moment, he envisioned him with skin, more well-kept hair, two eyes... Cain. His son. How the fuck had he not recognized him!? His head was starting to hurt, but he ignored it as he felt a bit of panic set in. "Cain..." Adam repeated his name and his eldest son glanced over at him. He saw Cain instantly tense.
"Oh fuck no. No. Nope. No way. Don't Look at me." He started to back up, away from Adam, inching toward the Hotel door.
"Cain... wait." Adam tried to go toward him. "You shouldn't be here... you're supposed to be safe. They told me you would be safe- You aren't supposed to be out on Extermination Day." Adam had never seen his son's Sinner form before. The rocky exterior didn't make him feel great as it reminded him of the worst day of his life. But that was still his son.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Cain was still backing away from him. "I told you if he tried to talk to me, I was fucking out of here." He looked over at Lucifer who sighed, nodding his head.
"You're dismissed."
"Bye bitches." Cain started to crumble to pieces; Adam watched in horror as his son started to fall apart in front of him.
"CAIN! FUCK!" Adam ran forward grabbing the bits of rubble that lingered on the ground where Cain once stood. "SHIT! FUCKING DO SOMETHING!"
"Chill the fuck out, asshole, that's just him moving underground." Lucifer stood behind him examining his claws.
"Nice of you to give a shit now though." Cain's voice spoke beneath Adam, and he jumped. A hand of stone formed on the pathway in front of Adam and raised the middle finger. "FUCK OFF DAD!" And the hand vanished.
"Cain hates me." Adam stumbled back, falling on his ass, as the realization started to sink in. His oldest, his first child, the first real happiness he had felt outside of Eden, and it had crumbled to pieces right in front of him. "I can't believe he hates me... what did I do!?" He was answered with only silence as those around him exchanged glances.
"Is that a serious question?" Vaggie raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, no. Thinking about it now, I think I can get why he might be upset." Adam's head felt... strange. Perhaps it was just the shock of seeing what had become of his son, but he didn't feel... right. He stayed on the ground, staring at where Cain had vanished. He could hear an annoying ringing in his ears. That fucking tinnitus was back. Awesome. It was drowning out whatever bitching Lucifer and his little daughter were doing. Adam didn't care enough to try to listen. It's not like the Damned ever said anything important.
"Adam?" He could hear his name being said behind him, but he didn't feel like moving. He looked at his hands, examining the new coloration. There were small, almost unnoticeable little cracks on his fingers- white on the black hand, black on the white hand. He put his hand on the ground and it stung to put any pressure on them.
Damn. How was he supposed to play guitar if his hands hurt?
"Adam!" Lucifer pulled on his arm and Adam blinked. It took him a moment to respond, his body felt a bit heavy but he shook himself and snatched his arm out of Lucifer's grip.
"Don't fucking touch me, bitch."
"See Charlie? He's fine." Lucifer looked over at his daughter who looked unsure. "I am just going to take him back with me where he can't touch anyone, or annoy anyone, or cause any more issues. I will tell you what I know once this is all figured out. Shouldn't be long."
"I dunno dad," she looked unconvinced. "I really wish you could just tell me right now."
"Now now my little Ginger Gold, I can't give you answers I don't have." He picked the blanket up again. "But it won't be long before this is all behind us." He gave her a smile that Adam thought looked less reassuring and more panicked. But it seemed to appease the Princess.
"Okay. But I want a real explanation."
"Of course! Now, it's time for Adam to go night-night." Lucifer smiled at his daughter and Adam briefly felt a surge of envy. Why would anyone trust the fucking devil when his own son wouldn't talk to him?
"Wait, the fuck do you mean night-night?" Adam saw Lucifer coming toward him with that fucking comforter. "Oh hell no. I already am wearing this stupid mask. I am not going back in the blank-" before he could stop him, Adam was wrapped up in the blanket again like a fallen, angelic, cocoon. "GODDAMN IT STOP DOING THAT!"
"Oh, don't make such a fuss. You're fine. Just go to sleep."
"THAT'S BIRDS YOU DENSE ASS MOTHERFUCKER!" Adam started to thrash around inside his fluffy prison as he felt Lucifer take to the air. He could feel the wings smack him in the face, even through the blanket.
"Stop wriggling like that. I'll drop you."
"Last time you did this, you threw me into the fucking barrier." Adam retorted. The mask, combined with the blanket, was a little stifling.
"I was trying to give you back. Isn't that what you wanted?"
"Yeah, but you know you can't just throw me into Heaven. Purgatory still exists, dumbass."
"It was worth a shot. It's not like it damaged anything of value."
"I think you gave me a concussion."
"I stand by what I said."
"Why do I have to be in the blanket? You know I'm not gonna actually go to sleep, right?"
"I can't have you bleeding everywhere. You're a fucking toxic bitch right now and I am not about to let you fuck over Hell any more than it already is." He could feel Lucifer land. The resonance of his voice altered, and Adam knew they were inside now.
"Excuse you?"
"Lysander, Syn." Lucifer ignored him. "I will be in my workshop. Don't bother me."
"HEY OTHER PEOPLE! I AM A HOSTAGE GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Adam didn't know who Lysander and Syn were- but he figured he might try one more time to escape.
"As you wish, your highness." A male voice responded with absolutely no regard for Adam or his plight.
"Your blanket is very upset." That voice was female, though it sounded a bit... tinny. It reminded Adam slightly of how the Metatron sounded when she spoke.
"You can ignore the blanket. It's just venting."
"Don't ignore me! I am literally a prisoner!"
"As you wish, Master!" Master? Damn. Lucifer was a kinky bitch if he had some chick calling him master publicly. But Devil or not- Adam wasn't about to kink-shame.
"Thank you. You're both dismissed." Lucifer started walking again.
"You're both fucking terrible for leaving me!" Adam called after the two disembodied voices.
"Sorry man, none of my business."
"My apologies angry blanket! I must obey orders!"
"They aren't going to do shit unless I tell them to, they work for me." Lucifer walked for a bit longer before Adam felt him stop. He heard the sound of vigorous shuffling followed by some oddly adorable squeaks? Before Adam was tossed on the ground. He struggled to get free of his blanket prison and finally managed to escape.
"Ha! Free at last! So, you take me to your workshop where you create all your fucked up forms if punishment." He had heard Lucifer say where they were headed. "Dis...gust...ing?" He blinked as he realized they were in a workshop, sure. It did have work benches, tools, a rolling chair, but there were also... ducks? Rubber ducks. There had to be hundreds of them in barrels all shoved haphazardly to the side. That explained the squeaking. "Okay, I'll admit it, I'm sure this is for some fucked up evil shit, but I'm struggling to see the vision." Lucifer glared at him as he took a seat in the chair facing Adam, hands folded in his lap.
"Don't look at those. They're not important." He looked surprisingly... serious. "What is important is you."
"I mean, I am pretty fucking important." Adam gave him a smug look, but Lucifer didn't really react, not even an eyeroll or an exasperated sigh.
"What did you do, Adam?"
"What kind of vague ass question is that? I've done lots of things." Adam could get up and run for the door, but curiosity kept him sitting on the ground looking up at Lucifer who was scrutinizing him.
"How long have you been Corrupted?"
"Corrupted? I am not fucking corrupted. I was actually a very good human. That's why I went to Heaven. You couldn't corrupt perfection~" Adam smirked at him. Lucifer didn't look annoyed so much as he did focused (which was annoying because Adam was very much trying to get under his skin).
"Not corrupted by me. Corrupted with a capital 'C'. Nothing to do with Hell."
"If it's bad, it has something to do with you."
"That is objectively false, but I don't have the time, and you don't have the attention span for me to sit here and explain everything to you."
"Wow okay. Fucking rude."
"Adam, right this very second, I am trying to have a serious conversation with you and you're looking at the ducks."
"No, I wasn't." Adam was, in fact, looking at the ducks. There were just so many and in such a variety. It was distracting! That wasn't his fault. If anything, Lucifer was to blame for having all these distracting things in a room in which he was trying to have a serious conversation.
"Look," Lucifer sighed, leaning back on his bench. "I know you're an idiot, but I'm begging you to try and understand the words I'm saying to you because this is really important. If it wasn't, I would be laughing my ass off while leaving you to the Sinners that you've fucked over."
"If you want me to listen, maybe start by not insulting me." Adam glared at him. To his surprise, Lucifer nodded his head rubbing the skin between his eyes. Did he always look so... tired? Adam kind of remembered him looking like a small, maniacal, cave troll constantly cackling and scheming about his next victim.
"You're right. I am just frustrated because I have to deal with all this shit and also because I hate you."
"Mutal." Adam nodded.
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just going to come out and say it." That was a weird way for Lucifer to start a sentence and Adam wasn't sure he liked it. "You're sick, Adam. You're actually ill. There is something wrong with you."
"I thought you weren't gonna insult me anymore."
"I'm not." Lucifer reached over, taking Adam's hand. Adam tried to pull back, but Lucifer held it palm up. "This is going to hurt." He took a claw and cut Adam's palm. It didn't hurt so much as it just stung, but Adam wasn't exactly thrilled about it. A small amount of golden blood dripped out of the cut.
"Why the fuck did you do that!? It hurt." Adam tried again to move his hand, but Lucifer held it tightly.
"Watch." Lucifer instructed. "And try not to keep wiggling. I've already lost my hat, my gloves, my jacket, and my vest to your toxic fucking blood. I'd rather you not splatter any more on me."
"What am I supposed to be watching? It's gold blood. I'm fucking holy; that's what it looks like."
"Actually, you're Fallen, but that's still what it looks like, so I'll let you off on a technicality." Lucifer had him in a death grip and they both sat there just staring at Adam's hand in uncomfortable silence.
"What exactly am I supposed to be watching for?"
"Look I don't know how long it takes, but I know it's gonna happen so, shush." Lucifer put a claw to his lip (though Adam could tell it wasn't the one he had used to cut his hand. That claw was being held out as if it had touched something disgusting.) Adam squinted at his hand.
"Will it just like... not happen if I talk? Why do I have to shush?"
"Because I'm trying to focus."
"On... my hand...?" Adam was getting bored. Whatever point Lucifer was trying to make didn't seem worth it.
"Adam, you need to understand how fucking serious this is- AH HA!" Lucifer's grip tightened and Adam's attention was brought back to the cut. The blood that had bubbled free of his skin was starting to turn a rather... disgusting looking black. "See that's not fucking normal." Adam felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Was...Lucifer actually telling the truth for once in his goddamn existence? Was something actually wrong with him? That was impossible- he had been in Heaven. Bad things didn't happen to people in Heaven, that was kind of the whole goddamned (God blessed?) point of the place.
"I was fine until I got here." Adam felt his heart start to race again. He felt queasy as he looked at the now black, viscous blood.
"No, that's the thing, I don't think you were fine. These symptoms suggest you've been sick for quite some time. I don't know what you did or how you even contracted this stupid thing, but luckily since you were a nearly unkillable angel, it's unlikely you spread it to anyone else. I say nearly because you did get stabbed to death by what basically equates to my daughter's hotel janitor."
"What are you talking about?!" Adam started breathing quicker, he tried again to pull back. "Y-you kidnapped me!"
"Wait..." Lucifer's expression seemed to soften for just a moment as he looked Adam up and down releasing his hand. "D... do you not remember dying?"
"I died forever ago, jackass." Adam felt a cold sweat start to bead on his skin, his heart was pounding, his mouth was hurting worse than before. "Hence the whole angel thing. I feel like you should know how that works."
"Yeah, no I got that." Lucifer gave him a look, but quickly softened his expression once again. Adam hated it. "Adam, the last Extermination Day, what do you think happened?"
"I... it's still happening?" Adam's head was spinning. No, it had definitely ended. Extermination Day was always such a fucking blur, from all the adrenaline and chaos. "I... you... kidnapped me... during the Exterminations..." That had to be right. Adam's hand went to the center of his chest. He didn't know why but he clutched the fabric of his robe, feeling his lungs start to constrict.
"Adam, calm down, just breathe."
"I am fucking calm!" Adam scooted back, away from Lucifer. He reached up, pulling at the mask over his face. Lucifer raised his hand.
"You can take it off, go ahead." And true to his word, the mask came off and Adam took a deep breath. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand, he could see black smeared over the back of the pale, white flesh. Were his hands shaking or was he just imagining things?
"I don't want to be here." Adam got to his feet. There was that ringing in his ears again. He didn't know where he wanted to go, but he knew he couldn't be in this room any longer. Not with him.
"Adam, you can't go out and about in Hell. You could spread this to the Sinners. I think I can help you, but I need you to make a deal with me." Lucifer looked so fucking calm it made Adam's blood boil. Deal? Was he serious?
"You're shitting me. I'm not gonna enter a deal with you!" Adam backed up further. "Oh, I get it now!" Despite the ringing, Adam was starting to have a moment of clarity. "You're lying." He laughed, but there was no humor in it. "No, no, no I see it!" He started to laugh harder. "This is just some normal fucking thing that happens in Hell and you're just pranking me! Oh-ho! You almost had me, asshole- you were this fucking close!" He laughed harder, bordering on hysterics. Damn, he almost got fucking played by Lucifer of all beings. That would have been a tragedy. Lute would never have let him live it down.
"Adam, please..." Lucifer was still trying to milk this bit. It was almost sad. "You're panicking, I need you to take a deep breath and-"
"And what?" Adam cut him off. "Hear the rest of your lame ass practical joke? Make a deal with you so you can keep me out of Heaven? Let you fuck me over more than you already have!? I already caught on dude; you're fucking busted!" He put a hand on the door behind him.
"Don't run. I need you to make this deal for your own safety. I can help keep that Corruption at bay and you are not looked on favorably here. If you leave now, you might get hurt." Lucifer stepped toward him, Adam turned the knob, hand holding to it tightly.
"You think you can fucking keep me here against my will!? I'm the original man, bitch! The fucking model for humanity! You are just some past-his-prime, fired, imitation Archangel! You can't do shit to me."
"You're right. I can't force you into a deal. It has to be made of your own free will, but I'm telling you that it's the best choice."
"Yeah, that sounds really fucking believable. I can't believe I almost fell for this. EAT SHIT SATAN!" He flipped up his middle finger and threw the door open, sprinting full speed into the hall. There had to be an exit- wow there were ducks everywhere, Adam almost tripped over a few as he skidded through the corridor.
"Wait I'm not Satan and you know that!" He could hear Lucifer running after him. Yeah, Adam knew he wasn't Satan, but 'Eat shit Lucifer' didn't have the same alliterative ring to it. Adam had to find a way out, he was not about to be tricked again by that fucking snake. (Actually, that wasn't a fair comparison, snakes were pretty cool. They didn't deserve to be brought down by Lucifer's reputation, maybe he should have called him a: misshapen bag of feathers and eyes wrapped in an unconvincing suit of flesh. That was both more appropriate, and nicer to the snakes, who were innocent in all this.)
"Door, door, door where are you?" Adam mumbled to himself as he turned the corner, trying to outrun the devil himself. He could see the exit, luckily the house wasn't subtle, and the large arching doorway was rather indicative of an exit. "Gotchya!" Adam folded his wings so they wouldn't slow him down (as they had proved to be rather unreliable recently) and made a break for the door, throwing it open and taking off into the sweltering streets of Hell. (How did everyone wear long sleeves around here? It was actually hot as balls.) He didn't know where he was going. It's not like he really knew the layout. It wasn't something he ever felt it necessary to learn, as he was only down here once a year and he could get an idea of where things were from above. Of course, there was a lot more to Hell than just the Pride ring, but as that is where the Sinners were- that was the only ring he really cared to know.
Adam ran until he could barely see the house in the distance. He knew he was being followed, and he could guess Lucifer could probably teleport so Adam would need to get as much distance as possible. (It was a fucking cheap ass move to do that when Adam was on foot, but Lucifer was a cheater-so Adam wouldn't be surprised.) So, while he didn't have an exact destination in mind, he knew he just had to get far away. Maybe he could somehow get so lost Lucifer couldn't find him.
It wasn't long before he started to grow tired. That seemed... oddly quick. Was... something really wrong- no. No. This was just some sort of Hell fuckery. Some kind of trick so he would make the deal with Lucifer. He wasn't about to give him that fucking satisfaction. He could handle himself, goddamn it. Unfortunately for Adam, there wasn't a crazy number of Sinners out. The streets were busy enough, but nothing like what he was accustomed to seeing. But he also wasn't usually around at this time of day... at least he didn't think he was. (He actually had no idea what time it was, or how to even tell without a watch. It's not like there was really a sun to follow.)
"Gooood morning Hell!" Adam stopped as he heard someone talking. He saw TVs lined up in the window of a nearby store where two anchors were sitting at a desk in front of a logo displaying 666 News. "Three days since Extermination Day, and Hell is just a buzz with activity!" One anchor was clearly female, in a red dress, a necklace of pearls around an overly elongated neck. Her short blonde hair was expertly kept, her crimson eyes focused directly on the camera. Beside her was a man with perfectly groomed sandy hair wearing a full suit and a massive, creepy looking mask.
Three days? There... was no way. It couldn't have been that long... it felt like it had just happened.
"That's right, Katie!" The anchor in the gasmask replied with a voice that seemed to suggest he had an overly friendly sort of smile on his face, despite Adam not being able to see it. Damn, if anyone was sick in Hell, it had to be that guy, right? His whole fucking face was covered. Or maybe he was just ugly. That was one of Hell's biggest problems, so Adam couldn't be sure. "And we're here with all the latest information about how Hell is coping with its victory!"
Victory...?
"Coping is a terrible fucking word to use there, Tom. You are terrible at improv, so maybe stick to the script." Katie was still smiling but the tension in her voice carried clear over the television waves.
"I am actually great at improv, which you would know if you came to any of my performances, like you told Vox you were going to when you said you couldn't stay late the other night, but you were actually-."
"Improv is a fucking cult, Tom. If I knew I was going to die in the next Extermination I would spend the hour before watching your fucking performance because it would feel like a goddamn eternity." She shuffled the papers in her hand. "In other news: Hell's oldest citizen with the rock hard body was spotted out from his cave yesterday. Cain from Cain Organics was out and about sporting a new snake pet. I for one would love to see Cain's snake up close."
Cain Organics? White snake? (Wasn't that a band?)
There was a lot for Adam to process in that one sentence. There was a little logo that had a rock in the middle, surrounded by produce, and text reading Cain Organics wrapped around it. Did... did Cain have a fucking company here? Hot damn! His son was a big shot! Fuck yeah! Cain deserved it, he was one hell (no pun intended- or... well... pun slightly intended) of a farmer. These Sinners were fucking lucky to eat what Cain grew. His joy was short lived as the image shifted to one of his son with that fucking asshole wrapped around him in the form of a snake. Why couldn't it have been the fucking band!? Lucifer had a lot of gall to hang around Adam's son. If that fucker did catch up with Adam, he would need to punch him in the face.
But this gave him an idea (other than the face-punching one). He could find Cain! Talk to him. Clearly his son was not in the best of moods when they had talked earlier, but that was probably Lucifer's fault. All he needed to do was talk to Cain one on one. Then he could sort this whole thing out. But first, there was the matter of finding him. He had an entire company, so theoretically, it should be easy. But it's not as if Hell had any fucking signs. That would be too helpful. So, it was up to Adam to try and navigate this place to figure out where the fuck his son was living. (All the while dodging a devil who he was certain was looking for him. Fucking weirdo.)
Adam wandered around for a while, trying to make heads or tails of how any of the streets here were supposed to fucking work. It was like they were constructed completely arbitrarily and with no real purpose. Streets would just stop suddenly, or randomly change names, or split off into several smaller streets all with the same name. It was a goddamn wonder anyone was able to find anything in this place. Adam could only assume people navigated by taking note of the very unique aesthetics that varied dramatically from one area to another. Everything would go from being highly technological and futuristic, to being like a party scene, to looking like a military base. It was actually a bit jarring how different the architecture could look.
Still, if this theming was supposed to be representative of anything, Adam just needed to look for something either rock or plant themed.
Sure enough, he managed to find a part of Hell where everything looked more natural. AN area with large stone walls with climbing vines, a more old-timey aesthetic, the houses shaped more like huts. There were certainly a lot more Hellborns in this area, especially the weird little red ones. There were lots of Sinners too, the streets were becoming crowded as time went on. Adam tried to just ignore them, though he was getting a few odd looks here and there. (Probably checking him out. Even with this fucked-up color scheme, Adam knew he was hot shit.)
He kept wandering around the area till he found the largest building, the stone facade covering all the activity around it. Adam knew it was busy just from the sounds. He pushed the doors open and walked inside a large, bustling room. He started toward the door when he was blocked by one of those tiny Hellborns.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"I'm looking for Cain." Adam could probably drop kick this thing, but he didn't want to start shit in Cain's place of business. That might upset him. He had clearly worked hard to establish himself in this cesspit. Perhaps, once this whole fiasco was settled and Adam was back in Heaven, he could take Cain back with him. Sure, Hell was forever- but that was for the peons who didn't have Adam as a dad. Sera could be convinced, after everything Adam had done, there was no way she could say no.
"You and every other desperate fucker this side of town." The Hellborn looked entirely unimpressed.
"Look, I'm his dad."
"And? Whoop-de-fucking-doo. You got an appointment or nah?"
"Yes. I do. Just ask Cain."
"Name?"
"I literally just told you I'm Cain's dad."
"Cain's Dad... is your name?"
"What!? No. It's Adam but that should be obvious."
"How is that obvious? Caine doesn't talk about his fucking family to all his employees that would be weird."
"Okay, yeah that would be weird." Adam crossed his arms over his chest. "Can you just let him know I'm here?"
"I'll tell him, but he's probably gonna ignore you, dude. Caine doesn't leave his office for shit until it's clock out time." The secretary walked off for a moment, Adam could see him talking on the phone, before he came back. "He says to wait right here and don't touch anything." The creature gestured to one of the many chairs that lined the walls. Adam was impressed that Cain was the sort of person that people needed an appointment to see, but Adam was his father and should have been immune to such rules. He could discuss that with Cain later.
He took a seat, hands folded in his lap. His fingers still hurt, but he was going to blame that on the fact that Lucifer had cut him. Yes, it was his palm and not his fingers that had been cut, and the pain had started way before Lucifer had actually cut him- but Adam didn't want to be logical, he wanted to be mad.
He did keep getting looks from the Sinners that would pass through. The room was surprisingly busy, but that probably meant that Cain was just popular. And why wouldn't he be? He was Adam's son. He had that charm and charisma just like his brothers. (The thought of his kids sent a feeling of unease through his gut. Which was strange since he was on great terms with all his children, a point that would soon be proven once he and Cain had their face-to-face conversation.)
"Adam, there you are!" He tensed instantly as Lucifer's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Adam stumbled back as he tried to get as far away as possible.
"Back off bitch!" Adam picked the chair up and winced a bit at the pain in his hands as he held it aloft to keep the devil at bay. "Once my son gets here, we are gonna kick your ass family style!" Lucifer's frowned deepened and he looked... uncomfortable...? Was that the right word? He held up both hands, clearly intimidated by Adam and his chair.
"Cain's not coming, Adam. He's the one who called me to come get you."
"Liar!" Adam almost snarled the words. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. "Cain is on his way and we are gonna end you once and for all!"
"Woah, take it easy, buddy." Lucifer brought his arms down slowly. "You're not thinking straight, you need to calm down."
"Stop acting so goddamn condescending! I am the one in power here! I am fucking divine! You should be cowering in my presence because even after everything you did to me I still got into those pearly fucking gates that locked your ass out."
"I'm not condescending and I'm not jealous!" Lucifer's horns started to come out. Adam could tell he was actually quite jealous because: why wouldn't he be? One look at Adam in comparison to Lucifer and the envy was self-explanatory. "I'm concerned."
"NO!" That was so much worse. "ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT! I DON'T WANT YOUR GODDAMN PITY!" How fucking dare he!?
"Adam! That's not what I s-" Lucifer was cut off as Adam threw the chair at him, full force. It would have been a direct hit, but Lucifer waved his hand, and it floated harmlessly back into place. His crimson and gold eyes narrowed, looking directly at Adam. "Don't. Run." His voice was stern.
"FUCK. OFF!" Adam could feel his breath quicken; his heart was pounding so loud it was drowning out that awful ringing in his ears. (Damn tinnitus was starting to feel like the new normal.) He had to get out of this place. He could find Cain later. But for right now he had to leave. The room was starting to feel a lot smaller. Adam's eyes darted toward the exit. Lucifer was blocking it. "I'M WARNING YOU!"
"Let me help you." Lucifer stepped forward but Adam backed up. The room began to stretch, up and down, side to side. Adam felt like he was on an out-of-control ride. He crouched down to the floor for a moment.
"GO AWAY!" He screamed the words so loud his tongue burned. He saw Lucifer hunch over and Adam took his opportunity to try and sprint past him. The door was so... so far. He kept running but it just got further and further away. He tried to use his wings, but they refused to flap.
"I have to kill you, Adam. You left me no choice." Lucifer was suddenly behind him, flaming sword in hand, wings outspread. His eyes were gone from his face, replaced by just his mouth, tongue long, dripping, and wagging as he leaned close. "You got a little something..." The head tilted downward, and Adam followed the movement. He looked down to see a sword sticking right through his chest.
"Stab the angel!" He could hear it whispered over and over again by every one of the fucking Sinners and Hellborns around him. Their faces were gone, replaced with a mix of teeth and eyes, as they started to surround him. "Stab stab stab the angel!" The voices echoed around him.
"NO!" Adam refused to go down like this. Not down here. Not to him. He grabbed the blade in his chest and pushed it back out. He couldn't even feel the wound anymore. He started thrashing with his bare hands. "I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU! I WILL LIVE!" With every word he spoke his mouth felt like fire and tasted like blood. But he was not about to lose.
All around him the monstrous forms cackled and laughed, their voices resonating in the massive room, reverberating back a thousand times words, combining with the incessant ringing in his ears. The devil laughed loudest of all. Adam grabbed him, shaking him violently trying to make the laughing stop.
"ADAM!"
Stop. He had to make it stop. It was hurting.
"ADAM!"
He just kept shaking the monster in his hands. Anything to make the pain go away.
"WAKE THE FUCK UP!"
Adam blinked. There was nothing in his hands at all, in fact his arms were being restrained tightly to the ground. He wasn't standing off with one of Lucifer's many, wretched forms, but was lying face up on the ground. All the Sinners and Hellborns were gone. It was just him, annoying, ugly, regular Lucifer who was standing above him. His heart was trying to break out of his chest with how furiously it was pounding. His tongue felt like fire. "Wh..." He tried to talk, but he winced. He was breathing so quickly it was difficult to form any sounds. He was freezing cold, but he could feel the sweat that was beading on his forehead.
"Just relax..." Lucifer looked relieved as Adam craned his head trying to see what was holding him down.
"Wha... what happened...?"
"You tried to attack me. Even tried to attack Cain when he was evacuating his employees."
"N... no..." Adam felt the bindings loosen a bit and he moved his arms as much as he was allowed. It seemed he was being permitted to sit up, so he did, but his legs were still frozen in place, bound by golden chains. "I... would..n't." It was painful to talk. "N... not Cain."
"Well, you did." Cain was leaning on the doorway that led deeper into the building. "And you made a fucking wreck of my front office. I'm lucky you didn't kill any of my employees. Vox is gonna have a goddamn field day with all this shit if I don't pay a whole lot of fuckers off." He looked so upset... but there was just no way. Adam wouldn't attack Cain. "So, I hope you're fucking happy."
"I can help you try and cover this up." Lucifer trying to help only made Adam more upset. That was his son he wouldn't have tried to hurt him. Cain's birth was the first time he and Eve knew that they could still be happy- just as happy as they had been in the garden.
"What's wrong with him anyway? Did he go into douchebag overload? Or has he finally fucking snapped?" Cain was talking about him like he wasn't even there.
"I am not one hundred percent sure. But if he would let me help him, I could give you a full answer." Lucifer joined in the discussion. No one seemed interested in including Adam in the talk of his own fate.
"Goddamn it dad, you couldn't just keep ruining my life from Heaven? You didn't fuck me over enough upstairs? You had to come down here and makeabsolutely certain I was miserable?" Cain glared at him.
"I wouldn't-"
"You attacked me." Cain's response was so flat Adam was a bit taken aback. He shook his head, trying to take a deep breath and slow his hyperventilation.
"N... no that's not... true..."
"Oh, so because I'm in Hell I'm a liar? Fucking love that."
"Cain... no I-" Adam was cut off as Cain pointed a remote at the TV that sat on the far wall behind the desk. Adam blinked as he saw himself throwing the chair and Lucifer putting it back. Adam watched in disbelief as he started to stare vacantly for a moment, his head lulling on his shoulders, before it snapped up and his body went rigid. He watched as he started jumping at the closest Sinner to him, but Lucifer pulled him back with golden chains. He watched himself biting at the chains on his wrist as Cain opened the door to the building's interior and he and Lucifer tried to move everyone away (though several of Hell's residents had stopped to take pictures on their phone.) Adam saw the golden chains turn black in his teeth and crumble as he launched himself directly at...
Cain.
He was full force trying to attack him. Adam might have hit him too, but his head reeled back, and a golden chain appeared around his neck, forcing him backward as Cain got the last of the onlookers out. Every time the Adam on the screen opened his mouth, the feed would become staticky, distorted. There was no sound, except when Adam would try to talk the TV would let out a high pitched beep that felt as if it were stabbing into his brain. Adam watched as the gold chains continued to appear, binding him to the floor where he continued to thrash and snarl. The feed stopped and Adam could see them both looking at him.
"Do you believe me now?" Cain lowered the remote, his single eye locked onto Adam's only working one. (Looks like they had something in common down here: lack of depth perception). Adam could feel himself trembling, but he wasn't sure if it was from the sudden, intense chill in the room, or from the wild array of emotions all surging through him. He couldn't slow his breathing, the shaking in his hands only got worse.
He had tried to attack Cain...
And he couldn't even remember doing it.
Adam blinked. He... honestly couldn't remember much of anything about the past few minutes.
Fuck.
Maybe... there was something wrong with him...
"I..." He tried to breathe normally, tried to control himself. "I'll make the deal."
A/N: We actually got a song in this one! Saint Peter gonna sue Lucifer for copyright infringement. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter with an Adam who can talk! Is that a real improvement over An Adam who can't?
Debatable.