SIXTEEN

A chilly breeze swept through the air, biting at my ears and cheeks as I guided the boat silently across the water. It had gotten steadily colder as we'd traveled further north, and I shivered even through the thick jacket I wore. Aerith wasn't much better off, but we didn't complain. She sat next to me, as oddly quiet now as she'd been for the whole trip. Then again, I'd been pretty withdrawn as well, anxious and uneasy about what we were doing and the situation I'd somehow gotten myself into.

I was dreaming, watching as Aerith and I sped through the water on a small Shinra motorboat—stolen, I somehow knew—toward a cold and forbidding landscape and something—or someplace—hidden within it. I didn't know how I knew, only that I did. But where was everyone else? It didn't make sense. Why were we by ourselves?

Off in the distance, I saw a wooded shore lined with dark green pine trees. They rose up the jagged, snowy slopes of the distant mountains in a vast evergreen forest. Even from dozens of miles away, the peaks were tall and ominous. I felt like they were frowning down at me. The only sounds I heard as we made our way across the narrow strait were the whisper of the wind and the thrumming of the boat's engine.

"Which way?" I asked as we got closer.

Aerith pointed at a small stretch of land off to the right. "Over there, Jessie. Don't ask me how I know. I just… do."

I didn't argue. "Okay. We should get there before dark."

It was already late in the afternoon, but this part of the shore wasn't too far from us, and as the day wore on and we got closer to it, I saw that it curved around. At Aerith's direction, we followed the shore here until it opened into a tiny inlet enclosed by towering firs and pines. I hadn't seen it at first, as closed off by the trees as it was. But Aerith had guided me to a small opening so cleverly hidden that no one who didn't know about it would've ever found it. I cut our speed and cruised in slowly, not the least bit surprised to see a small dock at the far end.

It was old, made of carefully crafted wooden planks and posts, and it didn't look to have been used in years. But even so, it was in surprisingly good condition, and I knew I wouldn't have any trouble securing the boat there. But I still felt uneasy, and as we approached the dock, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and a sense of foreboding came over me. A winding dirt trail led away from the shore and north into the forest, but I was hardly aware of it as I shuddered in recognition.

I'd seen this place before.

As I pulled up at the end of the dock, I cut the engine, then stood up and dropped the anchor over the side. It went into the water with a loud splash that was almost jarring in the stillness. While Aerith gathered our few supplies, I looked around, a weight growing in my mind. But nobody else was here. It was just us and the wind whispering through the trees. I sighed, adjusted my jacket, and climbed off the boat.

I made it onto the dock easily enough, my boots thudding across the wooden planks, but I felt like my feet came down more heavily than they should've, as if I'd fallen from somewhere higher up and landed on them. For a moment, I stood there and tried to make sense of it, but I couldn't. This whole place felt strange, eerie, and dark. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just me. I hadn't felt right since this trip began.

What trip? The me that was dreaming didn't have the slightest idea. Why would Aerith and I go off on our own and leave the others behind? Where were we heading, and what were we gonna do when we got there? Or rather, what was Aerith gonna do? Because I had the feeling this was more her journey than mine. I was just there to help her get to where she was going, protect her, and keep her company.

"You okay, Jessie?" Aerith asked.

I sighed and looked at her. "Yeah. Throw me the rope."

She did, and I caught it and tied it snugly around one of the posts at the end of the dock, making sure the knot was good and tight. After she'd secured the other end in the boat, Aerith started passing me our supplies. Backpacks with food and camping gear, that sort of thing. I took them as she handed them to me one at a time and put them down nearby. And as I did, something fell from mine and clattered onto the wooden planks. It was a hunting knife, its hilt black, slim, and slightly curved, its long blade still tucked safely inside its leather sheath.

Where had I gotten it, and why? I didn't know—at least, the me that was dreaming didn't. I recognized it, though, and shivered. The other me, the one in the dream, didn't seem to like it any more than I did. Like my feet, it seemed to land more forcefully on the dock than it should've. And the weight in my mind grew heavier. But before I could bend over to pick up the knife and put it away, Aerith was passing me her staff. It was new, one my dreaming self had never seen before.

The shaft was slim and metal, wrapped in black and red leather, and on the end was an elaborate headpiece, an expertly-carved eagle made of gold with its wings stretched out to either side. In its claws it held a large, glittering red ruby. And everything from its beak to its feathers had been shaped in incredible detail. No way this had been bought in a store. I was sure Aerith had found it somewhere, probably tucked away in an ancient ruin or something. With its seven materia slots, all of them glowing with colored orbs, I knew it had to be powerful.

I took it and carefully set it down by our packs. As I did, I picked up the knife, intending to put it away. But as soon as I touched it, I felt dizzy and strange as my blood burned and something dark and alien inside me suddenly yanked my mind aside just like on the road to Wall Market. As I knelt there, still bent over, I heard Aerith start to climb onto the dock. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My voice was locked. I was just a spectator inside my own body, trapped.

I closed my eyes for a moment, wincing in pain as my head throbbed like a bad tooth. When I opened them again, they felt different, as if they belonged to someone or something else that was using me to look through them. I saw myself look down to find my knife clear of its sheath as I held it even though I couldn't remember drawing it. Then, as I slowly lowered my arm, I heard Aerith cry out behind me.

"Jessie! Help!" she called.

I turned and saw her on the edge of the dock about to fall backwards into the water. She'd lost her balance as she'd gotten off the boat and was teetering on the edge. She reached desperately for one of the posts but just missed it and started to slip away, her arms out wide to either side of her as she shrieked in surprise. But just before she would've plunged into the icy water by the boat, I quickly caught her by the wrist, holding her with my left hand while she grabbed onto me.

Aerith sighed in relief and smiled. "Thanks. You know, for a moment there, I really thought I was gonna—"

She never finished. As both the me that was dreaming and the other me that was trapped in my mind watched in horror, I buried the knife in her chest with my other hand while she clung tightly to me with her arm around my shoulders. Aerith gasped for breath, her green eyes wide with pain and fear as they met mine. On the inside, I was screaming, terrified of what I was seeing and what I was doing and not wanting to believe it, but outwardly, I was sneering at her. I pulled her closer, pushing the knife further into her as I did, right through her heart.

"Jess… ie…" Aerith whispered.

When I spoke, it was my voice, but at the same time, it wasn't. It was colder, harsher, alien. "It's over, Aerith. Mother says you have to die now instead of later. So this is as far as you go."

I held Aerith there and watched as the life left her eyes, and once she was dead, I pulled out the knife and let go of her. As her body fell into the water with a splash, I saw my reflection in the waves. My eyes were light green instead of brown, the pupils narrow black slits instead of circles. As her blood slowly fill the little inlet, I felt that terrible presence in my mind slither away like a snake in the dark. My eyes went back to normal, and I was in control of myself again. Then I heard him.

"Well done, Jessie," Sephiroth taunted, laughing softly.

I turned to see him there. "You…"

He stood on the dock, sword in hand. "Now you know. Consider this a dress rehearsal. Next time, it will be real."

I opened my mouth to snap at him in denial, but my voice just died, running away as I stared at the knife still in my hand, covered in Aerith's blood. It was on my fingers, too. I started trembling, unable to look away from that awful sight and only barely aware that Sephiroth was gone and I was alone. As I turned and looked at Aerith's body floating in the water, I gasped, shaking all over like a leaf as my other hand flew to my mouth, and dropped the knife. It clattered loudly onto the wooden planks, which were dotted with blood. They were stained with it.

The weight of what I'd done suddenly hit me so hard I dropped to my knees as if the entire upper plate of Midgar had just fallen on me. All the air left my lungs in a rush.I could hardly breathe as I stared at the dock, the empty boat, the bloodyknife, and Aerith's lifeless body. It was starting to sink now, her eyes still wide open and frozen with fear, and seeing that was what finally pushedme over the edge.

"NO!" I sobbed. "No! No, no, no! AERITH!"

Tears running down my face like rivers, I slammed my fists onto the wooden planks again and again and cried, not caring how much it hurt. The terrible ache in my heart was worse than anything I could've done to myself. Then I started screaming, on and on. The screams tore the dream apart, but they never stopped or even slowed down. If anything, they got stronger until them and the pain were all I knew.

"Aerith!"

I heard myself screaming her name even as my eyes flew open and I sat up in bed, trembling uncontrollably. Tears glistened on my cheeks, and cold sweat covered my skin. My heart was pounding with fear as I held myself, and for a moment I didn't know where or when I was. Just that it was dark and I was in bed somewhere. Then, only a second later, I heard Cloud stirring next to me, and I remembered. Fort Condor. My quarters. We'd won the battle and celebrated all night. But it all seemed so far away now. The dream had been so real.

Cloud immediately sat up next to me. "Jessie? What's wrong?"

"I… had a nightmare…" I whispered.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked. "I'll listen."

I shook my head emphatically as more tears fell. I wasn't anywhere close to being ready for that. "No. Just… hold me."

"Alright," Cloud nodded.

As he took me in his arms and held me close, I laid my head on his shoulder and cried. The terrible memories of what I'd seen—of what I'd done—lingered in my mind, still so horribly clear, and I knew I'd never be able to forget the look on Aerith's face as I'd killed her, as I'd watched the life leave her eyes, even though it had been in a dream. As much as I wanted to dismiss it as just a nightmare, I couldn't. It had been real, a glimpse of a future I hoped would never happen.

In the midst of my trembling and my broken sobs, I looked at the palm of my right hand and the faint, curved scars that my nails had left when Sephiroth had made me hurt myself back in the slums of Midgar just to show off his power over me. I hadn't been able to stop him then, and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to again with Aerith, that I'd do to her in reality what I'd done in my nightmare.

As I kept crying and shaking, Cloud gently brought me back down onto the pillows, never once letting go. He kept me safely in his arms as I let out all the hurt and fear and sadness I felt, and I don't think I ever loved him more than in that moment. He was my anchor, and I needed him then just as much as when I'd been dying in Sector 7 after the plate had fallen. Only now, it wasn't my body that had been crushed, but my spirit. But just as before, Cloud was there for me. Still my hero. Always my hero. I clung to him and hugged him tight.

After I'd finally worn myself out and my trembling had subsided, I rested in Cloud's arms for a while, the warmth of his body soothing my frayed nerves. I wanted to be so much closer to him, though, because I still badly needed to be comforted. I also wanted to show him what he meant to me, how grateful I was to have him, and take my mind off the dream, even if it was only for a little while.

"Cloud…" I murmured, kissing him lightly on the mouth. "Would you… be with me? I need you right now…"

"Of course," he whispered.

Then Cloud gently slid on top of me as I wrapped my arms around him, and we made love. It was quieter this time, not wild and feisty like before. I didn't have it in me then to be that way. So I just held him and let him in as we shared tender kisses. The feel of him inside me and the warm and fiery pleasure he brought me were wonderfully calming and exactly what I needed. When I came, moaning in ecstasy, the sweet fire totally blotted out everything from the dream.

Cloud followed only a moment later as I took his face in my hands and pressed my lips against his. Once it was over and the heat that we'd made together had subsided, we laid there in each other's arms panting for breath, sweaty but content. I gazed up at those baby blues I loved so much and gave Cloud a tender smile.

"Thank you…" I told him, sealing it with a soft kiss.

He returned it. "Sure. Feeling better?"

I snuggled up to him as he laid back down next to me. "A little. But I… I still don't wanna talk about it."

"Okay," Cloud said as he gently stroked my hair.

It felt good. "Guess I should go back to sleep, but… I'm scared to. I know it's silly, but that's the way I feel."

He shook his head. "It's not silly. I'll watch over you."

"Always my hero," I sighed happily.

"You bet," Cloud agreed. "Now go on, Jessie. Get some rest."

As I laid there next to him with his arms around me, I decided that he was right, closed my eyes, and tried to sleep. I don't know how long Cloud stayed up looking after me, but I didn't dream again that night. I slept peacefully for a while, safe in his embrace.

When I did wake up again, it was a couple hours later but still dark outside, as I saw through the window. Cloud was asleep again, but even though he had let go of me so I could be more comfortable, he'd stayed close in case I needed him. I gazed fondly at him for a moment, loving him so much, and listened to his soft breathing.

Then I felt something touch my mind. Not that terrible alien thing from my nightmare, the one that had taken me over and played me like a puppet. This was different. Wild and untamed… but good. The same presence I'd felt during the battle, when it had warned me about Shinra attacking us from behind. It was calling out to me, and I knew I had to answer. Maybe it could help me somehow.

Moving quietly so that I wouldn't wake up Cloud, I got up and got dressed. Then, after planting a soft kiss on his forehead, I left my room and headed downstairs. That presence—dangerous, but warm and full of life—was in my mind, patiently guiding me. I trusted it even though I still didn't have any idea what it was. There was just something about the way it felt. It didn't mean me any harm.

I knew where to go. I'd known right from the start, in fact, as soon as I'd first felt that presence reach out to me. And before long, I headed down the curving stairs into the caves. My steps took me into the room with the mako fountain, its red glow bright in the dimness. The chunk of crystal sitting in the midst of the stalagmites glowed more vibrantly than before as I stood at the edge of the small pool.

Why are you here, child?

I blinked when I heard the voice. "You called to me."

No. You called out to me.

"I did?" I asked.

In your heart. And I answered. So tell me, why are you here?

"I… dreamed I did something… terrible," I sighed.

Slowly, my voice not entirely steady, I talked about the nightmare. I told the spirit or presence or whatever it was everything, knowing deep down somehow that it wouldn't judge me. I was pretty sure my friends wouldn't either, but I didn't know how to tell them, and I was afraid if I did that it might put me on the path to making that horrible moment a reality. So it would be my secret. No one would know, not even Cloud. I found myself on the verge of tears again as I shared how I'd murdered Aerith, one of my oldest friends, in the dream.

Know this, child. The future that you saw is not a certainty, although your enemy desires for you to believe it is.

"I can change it?" I wondered.

Possibly. You are here when before you never were.

"You're talking about me being alive when I was supposed to die in the pillar," I said, understanding. "Cloud saved me when he wasn't able to before and changed my fate and my future."

So you know it can be done.

I did. I realized I'd always known. "But how do you know about me and fate and all that? Who are you? What are you?"

An embodiment of ancient knowledge. A summon and the guardian spirit of this place. You bear my image, child, and you have made it your own. That is why you can hear me. Call my name.

"Phoenix…" I breathed.

Yes, child. You have endured the pain of fire and been reborn with a new strength and purpose. Such is my own nature.

"Why do you call me that?" I wondered. "I'm an adult."

Not to us, to those you call summons. We were already old when the planet was young. For our existence spans eons. Thus, all of you humans with your short lifespans are children in our eyes.

I nodded. "I guess that makes sense. So… what do I do? How can I stop what I saw in the dream from happening?"

Your enemy has power over you only so long as you let him. There is a darkness within you, child. One that he can use to manipulate you into doing his will. But he can only do so if you allow it.

"I don't understand," I said, gazing at the red crystal.

The shadow thrives upon the weakness of its host. Either of the body, mind, or spirit. You must discover what it is within you which makes you vulnerable to your enemy and face it.

Something about myself was letting Sephiroth control me? I didn't like it. He'd sensed something in me that he could latch onto and use to manipulate me through the darkness that Phoenix had mentioned, the alien presence that had hijacked my mind in the dream. But where had it come from? And when? It hadn't been there before the plate collapse, I was sure of it. Which meant I'd gotten it after that. From Cloud, when he'd given his blood to save me? I thought that might've been it. Maybe he'd passed on more than just the mako.

I knew he'd never intended it, though. But it was there nonetheless. And through it, Sephiroth was attempting to use me to change his fate just like Cloud had changed mine. And I wondered for the first time if Sephiroth had wanted him to save me all along, to give him the tool he needed to make his plan happen. Tormenting Cloud with visions of my death to make him even more determined to stop it. Sephiroth must've also known what it would take for me to survive. The blood that Cloud had given me. And Aerith's healing powers.

"Weakness?" I shivered. "In me?"

Yes. It can show itself in many ways. The moment you fear will come to pass, there is no avoiding it. But if you can overcome the source of the weakness your enemy uses to enter your mind, you can resist him. What you saw will change. And your friend will live.

I didn't wanna believe that I couldn't stop myself from being put in that terrible situation, even if there was some way I could change it. So I decided that maybe, just maybe, if I could somehow avoid ever being alone with Aerith until this was all over, then what I'd seen and done to her in my dream would never be able to happen.

"I'll find a way," I said, both to Phoenix and to myself.

If you do not, then your nightmare will become a reality. I sense your doubts, child. But think. The moment of your fated death still came, just as it always had. Only the outcome changed. So it is here. Try to prevent it if you must, but I am afraid your efforts will fail, and he will try to use you for murder. I do not know if he will succeed.

I sighed. "I'll think about what you've said. But… I'm scared."

It would be strange if you were not. But know this. Those who struck at this place will return one day. And so must you.

"I will," I promised.

When you do and the tide of battle turns against you, seek me out. If you can prove yourself worthy, my flames will be yours to command. Use my power to burn your enemies and heal your allies. Darkness threatens this world, but together, we may yet defeat it.

I knew we would. "Thank you, Phoenix. I swear I'll prove myself to you and use your power to help save the planet."

Very well, child. One other thing. The shadow that lies upon you, the remnants of the calamity, are slowly devouring you from within. There is a reason why it is mainly men who carry them. The few women who did all went mad, either taking their own lives or secluding themselves away forever in dark, lonely places, longing for death.

"What do I do?" I asked.

Destroy the calamity at its source. Doing so will render the remnants within you inert, for although they possess a powerful instinct to reunite, without the source to merge with, they cannot survive.

I nodded. "How do I find it?"

You are already on the path. Find your enemy, and you will find the source, for they are closely bound to each other.

"Sephiroth…" I growled.

Go now, child. Dawn comes. We will speak again one day.

I lifted my hand as the crystal's light dimmed. "Goodbye, Phoenix. And thank you… for everything."

Then I left, hurrying back through the caves and up the stairs until I'd returned to the fortress. Then I rode the elevator to the second floor and slipped quietly back into my quarters. Cloud was still asleep as the sky started to lighten through the window. For a moment, I smiled and gazed lovingly at him, then I undressed and got into bed. I snuggled up to him, calmer now than I'd been earlier, and after lightly brushing my lips against his cheek, I closed my eyes and slept.