Alfred got up earlier than Matthew expected. It wasn't 'early', but not as late as usual. Matthew wondered if the days of Alfred sleeping in and moping were over because he had a purpose again. Even if that purpose was really... stupid. Though who was Matthew to judge? His own life purpose had a really ugly stigma yet it was the only thing he really cared about anymore.

Matthew threw his guard up when Alfred pulled a face, warning him that his brother did not let it go like Matthew hoped the night before.

"Mattie, have you checked your phone at all?" Alfred asked with extreme accusation.

"No?" His voice was innocent and he cocked his head. "Why? Did something happen?"

"Uh, yeah something happened. Mattie, why the fuck did you go out last night?"

Old Matthew would hate this confrontation and apologise for it all. If only just to keep the peace. Even now an apology sat on his tongue. But then he considered making Alfred feel like this 'confrontation' was unnecessary, just like all the ones that came before it. Matthew could gaslight him into believing anything Matthew wanted him to. It wouldn't even be hard because no one would ever expect that from him and after acting for so many years Matthew knew he could be convincing.

Or he could push back and argue. Call Alfred out on hypocrisy and demand he stop trying to control.

He restrained himself, no matter how satisfying finally causing conflict might be, Matthew needed to think strategically. Experience said that no matter what he did Alfred would only exhaust him so he ought to do something constructive. He needed to convince Alfred this would be the last time he ever went out so his brother would let it go and not breathe down his neck until he forgot about it.

"I just needed some things. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Maybe he was dragging it out a little. It was the only form of defiance he could give.

"Really? That's it? You needed some stuff?" Alfred was in disbelief. "Couldn't've you have just waited for today?!"

"No, I really needed it."

"Well did you have to go out? At night?! If you needed it so bad then why didn't you go earlier?"

This could go back and forth for a while so Matthew just got to the point.

"I was safe. I got an uber so there's nothing to worry about, eh? Plus there's police everywhere so I didn't think anything would happen."

"Okay? And? You can't just assume you'll be safe!" Alfred looked like he was seconds away from pulling his hair. "You should've told me or something! I don't care if there's cops out but- ugh! You should've told me! I wanna say 'just tell me next time' but how about you just don't go out at night, okay? If you need anything just tell me and I'll get stuff for you!"

Matthew frowned as something came to him and he could tell Alfred caught that because he got more upset at the perceived defiance.

"It's dangerous out there! And you didn't even take your phone, did you? Do you know how many times I called you and texted you?!" Alfred was almost shouting, but there was something in his voice. "If you need shit in the middle of the night for some fucking reason then make me get it!"

Alfred waved his hands around like he was trying to calm himself down and squeezed his eyes with a grimace.

"I'm just- I'm not trying to be mean Mattie but it's just scary cus you never know what could happen when you leave the house anymore. So please, just don't do it, okay?"

"Okay. Sorry, I'll make you do it, I promise," Matthew whispered, afraid to put more of his heart out there. "I usually never go out so I'm sorry I forgot my phone. I won't go out again. I'm sorry I worried you."

If it kept Alfred happy, then Matthew would never let him find out if Matthew left again. Maybe he had just woken up vulnerable or because Alfred had so long to stew with his emotions, Matthew could believe that Alfred was angry because he was scared... because he did love Matthew. That was it, right? This was how his brother was showing it, with his brother's intensity directed at him as the sole recipient, it was convincing him.

It made Matthew feel something, made his dry eyes sting and his empty soul more vulnerable.

"Good. Thank fuck." Alfred believed him. "Because there's still a killer out there and he'd definitely go for someone like you. Even if you take a car what if something happens, y'know?"

"What do you mean, 'someone like me?'" Matthew was both hurt and offended because a statement like that couldn't be anything good and now Matthew was scared that his brother's intentions weren't as moving as he had just believed.

"Uh, y'know cus you're kinda a loner and you're quiet so... y'know."

Matthew was a fool. Alfred didn't love him if he thought little of him.

It seemed that Alfred didn't know because he couldn't keep eye contact or give a good explanation. Matthew kept the sour feeling that swelled inside off of his face. He didn't want to hear Alfred continue to explain what Matthew already knew he was forced to be so he just nodded like he was expected to, pretending just to accept it so he could move on.

"What about you?" He tuned his hurt tone to worried. "When are you going to go out again?"

"As soon as possible," Alfred muttered. "Don't worry Mattie, I'll be safe."

"So tonight?"

"Pretty much every night. It's the only way I'll feel better," Alfred sounded grumpy as he opened the fridge. "Can you make pancakes?"

"In a moment." Matthew brushed past and locked himself in the bathroom. He could make pancakes now, be obedient like he was supposed to be but he just needed a breather as the air grew thick. He told himself it was strategic because making Alfred wait, even if just a little was a form of defiance.

After a few moments of pacing, he sat on the ledge of the shower/bath and took the blade from his pocket to fidget with.

It felt like each day was a battle and he needed to make the best strategic moves possible. He needed to pull the right faces and say the right things every single day, one after another and they just kept coming. It was exhausting to be so sceptical and tense.

Did his facade even fall? Or just mutate into new constraints?

He hated who he used to be but he knew that was because he couldn't connect to his old self at all. And that was his old self, because that was real, if only an enhanced part of his personality to prop up a facade... just like Antonio.

Matthew had been kind. When did it become hard to be kind and it made him hurt? He had been a lover, not a fighter. He always advocated for peace and tried to make as many friends as possible - which was probably why it hurt so much when he failed. If he advocated for peace then why was he disturbing the peace? His form of love was dying for others, sacrificing himself for them... not killing for them. But he wasn't killing for anyone but himself. Did that mean he just didn't love anyone enough?

He knew he had thought he loved others... but when he thought about it he had never been mutually attached to anyone. At least not like how everyone around him cared for one another. He even thought that he wasn't attached to Alfred, but in that vulnerable moment where he was completely convinced Alfred loved him... Matthew felt the need to chase that because he couldn't fool himself when he said he cared for Alfred.

Which was really conflicting considering how else he felt about his twin brother.

Matthew had always been angry for not being found more interesting by others despite his efforts, which led to bitter jealousy of Alfred. He was so so jealous and it had eaten away at everything. He wanted love and he still thought that by being better he'd get it so he felt the need to be the nicest and the most giving and then once he broke 'better' meant murder. It meant power. He knew he was afraid of being forgotten and if he wasn't something big then he was nothing. And he was sick of feeling like nothing. He felt so invisible and he hated it he hated it. Killing made him feel something he had to keep doing it. It made him someone. Respected.

Because he didn't feel much anymore when he wasn't killing. Before, when he had been a slave to others, he felt like he was more expressive. But as he got older and his dreams died so did his emotions. He felt blank. When he wasn't blank he only felt bad emotions to the extreme, that pushed and pulled him around like a little boat caught in a large storm.

He had been painfully blank up until he killed Arthur.

Now whenever he wasn't comfortably numb, anticipation lingered when he thought about his accomplishments, which gave him a feverish level of excitement when he was participating. It made him feel a happiness he had never felt before when he was forced to play into others until his identity collapsed.

And yet here he was with a nostalgic ache deep inside that said if he was nice enough, he could earn his brother's love and respect, despite Alfred very much proving he didn't think highly of him.

Maybe he could try to delude himself that Alfred just didn't know he loved Matthew. In the past he would try to suck up to make Alfred realise... but now with more drastic thinking, Matthew could only think of drastic measures to make his own fucking twin realise he needs Matthew...

But Matthew didn't want to spend more time chasing. He's done enough chasing... even though a small part of him says if he pulled the right strings, he could make others chase this time. No.

Matthew would just have to wait for these feelings to pass. No doubt they'd be replaced when nighttime fell. Until then, he'd have to do the bare minimum to act as Matthew should, but without hopelessly sucking up just to try and feel a shred of the love he was ashamed to admit that he momentarily yearned for.

Matthew didn't feel the same when he left the bathroom. He didn't feel like a person as he operated on autopilot while sleepwalking. Maybe after he'd take a nap. He didn't have to worry about anything until night fell and his brother left. Said brother was just loitering around with his focus on his phone, still waiting on those pancakes.

Matthew wordlessly set about making them by himself and thought. It was frustrating that Alfred could make hypocritical demands and Matthew couldn't. He wasn't meant to know more than just Alfred going out so he didn't ask anything else. But he was going to find out either way. Every time Alfred left the house, so would Matthew. He needed to observe the changing environment anyway, Alfred and his friend's stupidity was certainly something he'd have to factor in. A couple of weeks of watching both the group and Alfred alone would definitely provide important information.

Alfred thanked him for the pancakes and surprised him with enthusiastic compliments about his cooking. Matthew shrugged, it was just pancakes. The same meal they had every single day for breakfast. But he wondered if the compliment was motivated by their unpleasant confrontation earlier and Alfred still felt tension, unknowing that Matthew had already moved on.

Or should have, because just sitting and eating breakfast in silence left him with an itch. It must've been the tension Alfred was holding onto.

"So how's Feliciano?" Matthew asked. "How's he been doing since Lovino died?"

"Oh, uh," Alfred put his phone down with a grimace and shrug. "He's been alright lately but has some moments where he's not. Y'know how it is. But he's got a lot of people looking out for him so he'll be okay, just gotta keep him distracted."

"That's reassuring." Matthew didn't know how it was.

"And since Lovi isn't here to keep an eye on Feli, guess I'll have to step up."

Matthew's throat felt tight, tighter than it should be when he just told himself he needed to go back to feeling pleasant nothing. Why did it have to be Alfred?

Matthew hoped that Feliciano would learn how to be better off without his brother but-

Lovino was the one living in the shadow of his brother. His anger was his hurt, and Matthew understood that.

It didn't matter now. He was sure everything would work out. It always did for everyone else.