For my favourite reviewer Hollie, you're not going to like this but I hope you enjoy it!
The fights, those nights
I tried to pretend it don't hurt
The way, I prayed
Someday that you would love me
Really, completely
Just how I wanted it to be
But no, so wrong
Can't believe I stayed with you so long
Jess woke up with a start. The sheets on the bed were soaked with sweat, her breathing was heavy, and her eyes were rapidly blinking. She had another nightmare about Dan coming after her. She pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, trying to press the images out of her head. The first nightmare came the night that Dan was arrested, when she was home alone with her hastily repaired front door. She had slept in the living room as she physically couldn't manage the stairs, not with the pain she was in. Sally had offered to come round after her shift, but Jess had politely declined. She had never felt so tired in her life. She grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen before shuffling back to the living room, clutching her throbbing stomach. She downed a bunch of painkillers that the doctor had given her before laying down and covering herself with a blanket.
That time it was just Dan shouting abuse at her from his cell, but then it steadily got worse. Then he could get out of the cell, and he would come towards her, striking her to the ground. Then he would kick at every inch he could reach, all the while calling her names. But he always stopped before he killed her. But this nightmare had been the worst so far, because this time he had actually killed her. This time a knife appeared in Dan's hand, and he didn't hesitate before plunging it in her heart. Perhaps the worst thing though, was that her baby, Luke, was standing there watching the whole thing.
Jess took a deep breath, pushing the images away. She looked at the alarm clock; it was four in the morning. She clambered out of bed, stripping the sheets. She placed them on a pile on the bedroom floor, pulling a dressing gown around her. She stepped out of the bedroom and walked through Sally's flat. She had been staying with Sally after that first night in her house, after the nightmares. She needed help, she was so weak and in so much pain. Sally had looked after her, not letting her lift a finger for the first week, and plying her with painkillers and hearty food to try and help her feel better.
Jess had been at Sally's for a few weeks now that the trial was being put together. Dan had been released on bail the day after the attack and had returned to their home. It was for the best. She couldn't stand being in the house on her own anymore anyway, not with Luke and then Dan. She placed the soaked sheets in the washing machine, then poured herself a coffee, sitting at the bar. She rested her head against the cool surface of the worktop, and before she knew it, she was asleep again.
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah
"Jess?" someone whispered. Jess could feel her shoulders being shook by someone. She raised her head, trying to force her eyes open. She ran her hands over her face, feeling the indents that the counter had left on her cheek.
"Mmm?" she mumbled.
"Come on sweetie, you need to wake up. We gotta get you showered and dressed." Sally said, taking the cold cup of coffee out of Jess' limp hand and washing it down the sink. Sally saw the washing machine was on and frowned. "Another bad dream?"
Jess nodded, "He killed me this time."
Sally placed her arms around Jess' thin shoulders. She had been worried about Jess' dramatic weight loss; she was all skin and bones. Her once sparkling green eyes were now flat and sunken in her face, her blonde hair limp, her voice broken. "He's not going to touch you, I can promise you that."
Jess relaxed into Sally's hold. Sally had been brilliant while the trial was going on. Jess' head suddenly snapped up, "Sally, what day is it today?"
"It's Friday. The last day of the trial." Sally said, looking concerned, "I thought you remembered?"
"Oh brilliant. I don't know if I can see him today after last night." Jess said, sliding off the stool and heading towards her temporary bedroom. Sally followed her in.
"You're going to be fine. He's going to be put away, and you can start getting your life back. Has seeing Dr Brennan helped?" Sally asked, getting Jess' black skirt and pale yellow shirt out of the cupboard.
Jess thought back to her sessions with the doctor. It had helped for her to express her emotions, but she was worried about something the doctor had said. He had told her that from the way she was speaking it was as if she was defending Dan's actions, that she still loved him. The thing was, she did still love him. She didn't know if she could ever stop loving him, no matter what happened. They had been through too much together. "Um, I guess it has. But I don't think I'm going to carry on seeing him after the trial."
"Why not? If he's helping, you may as well carry on seeing him." Sally said.
"Sal, I'm running out of money. I'm not going to spend it taking advice from someone." Jess said, more sharp than she meant. "Oh I'm sorry Sal. I didn't mean to snap. I'm going to go take a shower. I won't be long."
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
Jess had just locked the door to the bathroom when she threw herself at the toilet, her stomach emptying its contents. She leaned back against the cool tiled wall, wiping her mouth with some tissue. Every day that she had been to court, she had always been sick. It didn't exactly help her mood. She slowly got to her feet, turning the shower on to its hottest setting. She undressed quickly, stepping into the shower under the hot spray. The water hit her body like pellets, the heat of it scalding her. She kept her lips pressed together to stop her from crying. As she washed her body, she looked at her stomach. Even after three weeks, there were still traces of bruises from Dan's violent assault on her. She prayed that it would stop once he was locked up...but then the little voice at the back of her head taunted her, telling her that he would be let off, and that he would get her again. And this time, she wouldn't survive.
My head, near dead
Just the way you wanted it
My soul, stone cold
Cos I was under you're control
So young, so dumb
Knew just how to make me succumb
But I understand
To make yourself feel like a man
Jess walked up the steps to the Courthouse for the last time. On one side was Sally and the Inspector, on the other was Callum and Smithy. They got to the top of the steps, ready to go through the big wooden doors when the Inspector stopped.
"Jess?" she called.
Jess turned to her, moving closer, "Yes ma'am?"
"It's all going to be fine. He won't get off." Gina said confidently. But they both knew that Dan's defence had painted her as crazy, using what happened on the Russian roulette op to back them up.
Jess smiled weakly at her Inspector, "I hope so."
"We'll meet you there in a minute, I've just got to speak to someone." Gina said, placing her hand on Jess' shoulder, gently squeezing it. The Inspector was followed by Sally and Smithy, leaving just her and Callum.
"How are you?" he asked, leading her to a bench.
"Honestly?" she asked, turning to him.
"Honestly." he nodded.
"I'm feeling that he's going to be released. I'm feeling that even if he is released, even after everything he's done, I'll go back to him, because it's the easiest route. I'm feeling weak and tired of it all. I just want it to finish." Jess said. It was the first time she had told anyone, except for Dr Brennan, what she truly felt.
"You would go back to him? After everything, would you go home with him?" Callum asked, trying to keep his voice steady although Jess could see anger flash in his eyes.
"Yes I would. Don't make me explain it, because I don't understand it myself. Maybe one day I'll snap and understand, and then leave him. Maybe I won't. Never mind about that though, let's go inside." Jess said, pushing herself off the bench. Callum stood quickly, offering her his hand to help her up. She gripped it tight, her bony hand in his strong one.
You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah
You stole, you broke, you're cold
You're such a joke to me, yeah
The end of the trial seemed to go on forever. At least that's what it felt like to Jess.
Throughout the hours, her and Dan had been looking at each other, sizing each other up, testing each other. When Jess had listened to the closing arguments, she instinctively knew that her husband was going to get off. He knew enough about the law to find all the loopholes, he knew how to paint her as the crazy, unstable wife. He knew the best ways to try and justify his actions. She didn't know any of this, and that was why he would be freed. She felt scared, but she also felt relief.
She wouldn't cope with him locked away. She knew that he was bad for her, she knew that, she really did. But she also knew that most domestic abuse victims stay with their partners, because they know that trying to leave them will just guarantee the worst beating they ever get. So in a way, it was actually safer to stay with him.
That is what was going through her head when the judge called for order, his gavel striking the wood loudly. Jess snapped to attention, her eyes moving from Dan's to look at the judge. She could feel all the eyes in the courtroom on the judge, waiting to hear his verdict. The judge turned to Dan.
"I sentence you, Daniel Waite, with a community order and a two year suspended sentence." the judge's low voice boomed around the courtroom. At his words, Jess' colleagues couldn't hide their disbelief. "You are required to attend the domestic abuse programme. If you do not show up for any reason which is thought of as not valid, you will be placed into custody. Any further assaults on Mrs Jessica Waite will result in your immediate arrest and you will be jailed. Do you understand?"
Dan looked shocked, not expecting this verdict, "Yes your honour, thank you." he said, nodding.
"Court is dismissed." the judge said loudly, banging his gavel.
For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you
As soon as she was out of the courtroom, her friends and colleagues surrounded her.
"Jess come on, we'll get back to mine before Dan is released." Sally said urgently, trying to pull Jess away from the crowd and out the courthouse to her car.
"No Sally, I need to wait for him." Jess said quietly.
"What? Come on! You can't go back home with him. Please Jess." Sally begged.
"Jess, she's right, you need to go with her." Gina said vehemently.
"No. You are not listening to me. I am going home with my husband. He won't be hurting me again." Jess said, her voice sounding stronger than it had in a while.
Everyone stopped and just stared at her. "Are you sure?" Callum asked. He was the only one who would listen to her. He wasn't happy about her going home with Dan, not at all, and he knew that if Dan touched her again, he wouldn't be held responsible for his actions. But right now, Jess needed to be heard.
"I am sure. Please, don't worry. It's safer for me, and everyone else, if I go back home with him. We all know the statistics. I've got all of your phone numbers if needed, and I know the house is on the hit list. I'll see you all tomorrow at work. Thank you so much for being here for me." Jess said sincerely, hugging them all.
"Jess, if anything happens, call me. Any time, day or night, I'll come." Callum said as they hugged.
Jess looked into his deep brown eyes, forgetting where she was for a moment. She blinked, then smiled at him and nodded.
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you
Jess was sitting on the steps to the Courthouse, alone, when Dan emerged. She jumped as he sat next to her.
"Hey." he said quietly, drinking her in. "You must be freezing." He took his coat off and draped it over her, noting her thin body.
"Thanks." she said, almost shyly.
"Jess, I need to talk to you." he said seriously, taking her hand in his. She nodded at him to continue. "I want you to know that I am never going to hit you again. As long as I am in control of myself, I will not touch you. Those three weeks I spent without you, going to daily therapy, I had a lot of time to think through everything. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, and I knew what I had to do. We're going to get through this, I promise."
"Everyone thinks I'm crazy for coming back to you. But I know that, after this, you won't hurt me again. I spoke to Dr Brennan, he told me that I still loved you, he was worried about that. But Dan, I could never stop loving you, not even when you hurt me. But that won't happen anymore, we're going to start afresh." Jess said, leaning into Dan.
"Me too honey, me too. Now, I want to go see Luke." Dan said quietly into Jess' ear. He felt her stiffen slightly beneath him, "Oh, if you don't want to I can drop you off at home."
Jess placed her hand on Dan's leg, "No, we should see him together. Let's go." she said, Dan helping her up.
You coulda had it all babe
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you
Later that evening, after Jess and Dan had shared their first dinner together in over three weeks, Jess was sitting in the bathroom, cross legged on the floor. Dan was waiting for her in bed. She held the tiny stick in her hand, not looking at it, scared to look at it.
"Please not now." she begged to any deity that was up there and listening. As if it had some magnetic pull to her, Jess' eyes swooped down to look at that little stick. "Oh no."
Now was not the time to be having a baby. Now, just after Dan had been released, wasn't a brilliant time for suddenly springing a new baby on him. Now, after only just losing Luke, was not the time for a new baby.
Song: Thank You- Jamelia