Where one thing goes right, another goes wrong. It's been another few months, and I still haven't touched any drugs or alcohol. I'm back to being in great shape. My grades plummeted for a while, but I've raised them back up. I've made so much progress.

But I never feel like I've done enough. I could've done more. I should've put in more effort. No wonder I'm still like this when I'm too lazy to truly put in the effort to change. I used to work until I passed out.

I still want to die, but I also feel like I haven't subjected myself to enough pain to feel like that again. What's my true goal anymore? I don't know. Is it really to make the progress I want, or is that just another lie I've told myself? Because I know my goals are unrealistic. I know I'll never achieve them. But maybe I just want to try and grasp something that forces me to put in a lot of effort to try and get there.

Once again, things feel pointless. I work, I beat myself up, I push myself to my limits, I beat myself up when I fall short of pushing myself, I beat myself up when I do make progress because it's not enough, I pass out from overexertion, I beat myself up for that… But why? Am I really this desperate to kill this current me? I keep telling myself it's not enough, and that I need to go beyond and push my limits, but as I've thought about it more, I think that this is my way of struggling against the urge to die.

I know I'll never be able to go back until I can feel my emotions again and I want to live. As I am now, I still don't want to live. I don't want to live to be able to meet my goals like I keep trying to tell myself. That's not it. For a while, maybe I really did convince myself this lie was the truth, but it's not.

I'm trying to kill the part of me that wants to die, but not because I want to live.

Katsuki said I'm just making myself suffer by doing this to myself, and that it's gotten to a point where it's incredibly self-destructive. So, I stopped trying again. He was right. I'm tired. I replaced the exhaustion with pain and the lies I kept telling myself. It's too much effort to keep living like that. I knew I'd eventually burn out anyway. I tried to escape from this perpetual exhaustion and numbness, but in the end, I'm still the same. The same things keep repeating over and over again. No matter what I do, it's too tiring to keep doing it. I change, thinking I'm slowly approaching the surface of this cold, black sea, but swimming becomes an illusion I've tricked myself into believing. I'm not moving at all, even though I'm forcing myself to move. It's like being stuck on a treadmill. You can run for miles and until you pass out, but you won't go anywhere.

Last night, out of the blue, Katsuki asked me how I'm really feeling. He told me I seemed so adamant about becoming the person I want to be, and he asked where that went. I told him I'm tired of being here. He asked what I meant. I'm tired of being stuck in this loop of delusion, this life of lies and emptiness, this lifestyle I'm surfeited with that changes all the time but never changes what I want it to change, this mind and body that have been beaten and compacted into metal, just…living in this world in general. I told him all that, and then, I said:

"I don't see a point in living. Living like this is just too tiresome... When will the shadow of yesterday disappear?"

Katsuki hugged me, and he replied, "Oi, I know it's beyond just draining to keep living, but there will never be a point to life until you find that point. Do you wanna die before you find it?"

"I...don't know. Is it worth it to keep fighting through life just to find a reason to live?"

"I think there is. Didn't it feel nice to be working towards something when you set those goals for yourself? In the moment, it was your reason to live, yeah? So what if it was a lie? You kept living. You kept fighting. You kept improving."

But by that logic, Katsuki… I'll just be living a lie. I'll be pursuing a future I don't care about. It won't get rid of my problems. I'll be alive, but is it worth it when I have to lie about everything just to live? Would living not be a greater burden than all else? Just to live, I have to pretend like I'm living? Like I'm content? Like I don't want to die every single day? What…kind of life is that? I don't even think you can call that living. Yet, how can I not be happy with my life by now? How can I not feel content?

"Then what am I supposed to do? I know I'm in a much better place now, but my mindset is the same. And why… Every time I've been helped, the help isn't enough to fix me. Why? Am I beyond repair? 'It'll get better.' 'It takes time.' 'It'll be okay.' I'm sick of hearing all that. But despite everything, I am okay. I am fine. I—"

"No… Shouto, you're not okay. You're not fine. You're still cutting… Y—"

"And that's fine by me."

"Do you realize how fucked up that is?!"

"To some extent. But I just don't care, Katsuki."

"You don't care?"

"No. You should know that."

Katsuki sank his nails into my wrists, and he looked like he was on the verge of exploding. "You wouldn't care if I cut you, beat you, or even fucking tortured you?!"

"I never said that, but you're not wrong, so, I guess I've implicitly said that now."

"You're such a fucking messed up person."

"And?"

Katsuki's rage slowly turned into sorrow as he let me go, and his voice broke when he said, "You know, it makes me both angry and sad that you don't feel angry or sad." He paused for a while and then grit his teeth and threw a punch at the wall. "Why?! Why aren't you mad?! Why aren't you sad?! Why, Shouto?! I… I can't fucking understand…" He stopped glaring at me, and he kind of avoided eye contact with me after that.

"Sorry? I can pretend to be, if that's what you want."

"That's not the fucking point, you fucking dumbass…"

I hugged him and ran my hand through his hair. "Look, this conversation is pointless. I'll live. I'll fight. I'll struggle. I'll put in the effort. But if, by the time I'm twenty-one, I still don't have a reason to live, I'm going to end it."