AN: making a comeback, ghust95! Have a CC, my dude! Yeah, I got THE Jojo reference up in this story! That's canon now. Thank you, Yeeticus. I will love myself. Hey, Wolf's Aura, you got the title ref! Have a cyber cookie.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Scars
"Well, isn't this nostalgic? You. Me. In a forest. Fighting. Oh, those were such simpler times." Mephistopheles sighed as he faced off against the groggy Duke that stumbled away from his hard landing. The redheaded demon chuckled and then scowled, a manic gleam in his eyes. "So long as you don't put any explosives near my ass, this can remain a cordial reunion, Naruto."
" You'll have to be a little more fucking specific, shithead." He growled as he felt his shoulders pop back into place and his arms snap back in line. " I've done it a few times, and you're lacking a good four feet of pure asshole to be the most recent victim. "
"Ah, yes, my 'guests' and I saw your ... fight against the Champion of Elysium. Quite the display, and a nice homage to that fight of yours against the Hyūga." The elder demon chuckled and clapped his hands. "Barreling into that monster's chin with an underground uppercut. Well done! Bravo!"
How in the fuck does he–?! No! Don't get distracted! Naruto snarled and threw a chain at the elder demon. It was backhanded away and a shadowed tendril slapped his wrist. He recoiled with a yelp and then immediately growled. A cyclone of wind built around his hand and he threw it at the mage.
" I told you to stay the fuck out of my head, asshole!"
In hindsight, that was pretty stupid considering how the ancient demon had beaten Bee with a Wind Jutsu. The magic attack was caught and tossed aside, and a good plot of forest was consequently uprooted. Fuck. Naruto would have to devote a platoon of clones to fix that...
"Stay out of your–? What are you even–? OH! Oh, yes. Because I can 'infiltrate your mind' and steal your memories!" Mephistopheles repeated with finger quotes and a grin before he burst into laughter that went on for a solid minute. He petered out with a sigh and wiped a single tear from his eye. "Good times...I remember spreading that rumor. Took fourteen years for it to stick, and many nights sleeping in gutters, garbage cans – those surprisingly comfortable, by the way – and backyards. Ah, memories...Anyway, fond recollections aside, I'm glad to see you took my words to heart. Then again, you are the type to find friends and loved ones wherever you go, even in the hearts of your enemies." The green-eyed Devil smiled even as Naruto continued to glare at him. "No? Not ringing any bells?"
" You don't know a goddamn thing about who I am or what I do. ...Outside of shit aired across Hell." The Foxfiend reluctantly amended. Mephistopheles laughed. Again. He was starting to get irritated – and mildly concerned – as the older demon continued to smile at him.
"Fair enough. Fair...enough. It was millennia– no... eons ago. Allow me to jog your memory: 'If 'Love' is just a word, then why..."
A memory, from so very long ago flicked into his head.
They stood across from each other at a short summit, the Daimyō of Wind and Fire requested both boys present to recount the events – given their grand and quite massive clash between their respective tenants – to determine who was truly at fault, before a new Kage for their respective villages could be picked. Pervy Grandma coached him through the right response, whereas the other boy remained silent.
When asked about his state of mind before The Invasion, the other boy admitted trouble sleeping and an ease with death. The latter wasn't seen as a problem, the former was addressed by some Frog Hermit. When asked of his feelings now, the other boy looked down.
"Shame, I think it's called. Possibly regret." He looked up and sought him out. His mouth twitched up but settled, then he looked back at the two monetary rulers of the land. "But...hope. Hope to atone. Hope to live, more than just survive. ...Maybe, even, one day...Hope to know love."
"Pretty words, boy. But they are just words. No real defense can be found with them." The Wind Daimyō huffed. "Cousin, don't listen to this drivel of love–"
"Is there more that you wish to say, Sabaku no Gaara?" The Fire Daimyō, as the leader of the 'wronged' village, quieted the other with a raise of his fingers. He steepled them and leaned forward. "Tell Us, your crimes have been forgiven in Our court, as acts made in desperation, and Our word has some sway in the Leaf Village. Speak."
"...My father tried to kill me all my life, but he is dead now. I am...relieved. Not happy. ...That was my father's love." Unblinking eyes stared into those of the 'most powerful' man of the Land of Fire. "My mother named me 'Gaara', and until recently, I believed it to mean 'Love Only Myself'. She died the day I was born. My life has been forged by 'love', a word I clearly do not understand, and one that my Daimyō doesn't understand."
"You ungrateful–"
"Quiet." The Fire Daimyō glared at him from the corner of his eye. He leaned forward again. "Continue, young Gaara."
"There is an emptiness...an absence...And I think I am beginning to understand, now." Gaara swallowed as his head fell. "Answer me, Daimyō...if 'love' is just a word then why is it so painful when you realize it isn't there?"
"... is it so painful when you realize it isn't there?'" Naruto felt himself lose his grasp on his True Form as his shoulders slumped. His eyes burned and his nose twitched. There were no sour vibes, no bitter ones, nothing that screamed deceit at him. There was just a pleasantly salty Vibe that had a twinge of sweetness to it. He blinked and took a hesitant step forward.
"G...Gaara? Y-You're not fucking with me, right?" He swallowed. "That's...is it really you?"
Mephistopheles' too familiar face made more sense and the blue markings spread across his skin swirled around his eyes, another layered over a long faded scar, a kanji. 'Love'.
"It has been a long time, Uzumaki Naruto." He smiled. "I've missed you...my friend."
Naruto wanted to ask him so many questions. How was he still here? Was there anyone else like them? Did he still have his monster? How long had he been walking around under a different name?!
Then Thor found them. Thunder rolled and lightning struck. Naruto roared.
And the sky went dark.
"Baby Bro, whether you give me a good fucking or not doesn't matter, because this? This is not happening!" Queen Bee-Lzebub snarled as she stood face-to-face, practically nose-to-nose, with her Baby Bro in her third floor's office study; one of the wings with the least amount of the gratuitous structural damage that her Baby Bro's clones were in the process of repairing. Ugh, and this stare off wasn't even happening for a fun reason!
Not to mention that she currently had the worst fucking headache she'd ever had in her life. It was worse than even the bender she had two thousand and fifty-three years ago. That party was wild as fuck up until Luci crashed and killed it by announcing the birth of Yeshua. Granted, that headache was because she'd just managed to mend her Honey with the strongest fucking Greek Wine available to her. That Dion Isis guy sure knew his craft, she needed to get him to face her in a taste off one day.
What? Oh, you're wondering if she'd fuck the Greek God of Partying? Tempting yeah, but there was no fucking way Bee would let any Greek God near her snatch. She knows what happened to the unlucky bastards that got screwed by the Greeks – many of them wound up in Pride, unironically enough – and wanted no fucking part of it. Her one exception was for her (still hot) ex-boyfriend. Cerberus – who unfortunately couldn't stay because he had to make sure that Hell's defenses were still strong despite his unexpected three day absence – wasn't a god, though, so in her mind he was free game. She really hoped they got back to her soon on the 'Bull' front...Or was that a hallucination caused by her head injury?
...What was she complaining about again?
"While I value your input on the matter, Bee, it's not your call!" Baby Bro, who had a fucking shell of bandages wrapped around the entirety of his right arm, snarled back at her as their foreheads butted together.
Ah right, she and Baby Bro were snarling at each other because he was going to go along with the Fuckwad 's crazy ass plan of...of... Okay, so Bee didn't know what the plan was yet, but she knew it was crazy and therefore shouldn't be implemented! Especially given it was the Fuckwad that had come up with it!
"You know," the third party in question made itself known and Bee glared glowing compounded eyes at Mephistopheles. He was bound to a chair by an almost cartoonish amount of chain, rope and cloth, further still he was confined to the work of carpentry by a circle of salt perfectly poured around his feet by Bee herself. The ancient demon drummed his fingers on the arms of the chair as he grinned. "I could be persuaded to explain my 'master scheme' in more detail."
"Really? That's great, no that's cool, just, um, remind me about the part where I fucking asked for your opinion?" Bee snarled. She looked around the room before her eyes landed on the surprisingly quiet Hellhound that was surfing her phone while lying in the with her legs draped over the arm of the comfy chair on the other side of the coffee table. She zipped over to hover over the Hound. "Pretty Pup, come on! Back me up here!"
"I am not getting involved in this." She deadpanned as her thumb swiped along her screen.
"Wh–? B-But Baby Bro is your Mate! You should be one hundred and ten percent with me on this one! " Bee spluttered while her arms gesticulated. Good head or not, she couldn't believe she was still going to trust this selfish Pound Pup of a Hellhound with her problematic, accident prone Baby Bro. The Sin's eye twitched when the Hellhound started typing something. "Aren't you even the slightest bit mad?!"
Glowing red eyes snapped up from the screen of her phone to meet the Gluttonous Sin's accusatory gaze, her device gained a hint of frost around its edges and the air in front of her mouth took on a drastic chill when she snarled.
"Yes, Bee. I am mad. Like you said, Naruto is my Mate. My very stupid, very impulsive Mate that went and got himself hurt. Again." Baby Bro flinched when Pretty Pup shot him a very cold glare. He opened his mouth – likely to justifiably cast blame at the Fuckwad; Bee totally understood, she'd do the same fucking thing – only for it to snap close when Pretty Pup growled at him with bared teeth. Hm, Bee didn't raise him that well; props to Pretty Pup for winning the argument with just a look. If Thor bothered to stick around after he fucked up, Bee was pretty sure the Pretty Pup would've given his whole 'Ragnarok' prophecy a run for its money. Then those angry red eyes came back to Bee. "However, given that it happened when he stupidly tried to tank the bolt of lightning that came from the actual fucking Thor, the literal God of fucking Thunder, and frankly, I think that's punishment enough."
"Wh...He only did that because that Fuckwad pulled him into the line of fire!" Bee protested with a snarl as she glared at the Fuckwad in question, ignoring the way Baby Bro's shoulders slumped in relief and the ensuing glare he sent her way.
" He can defend his own stupidity to his Mate, thank you!" Baby Bro snapped before he growled into his good hand. "No, wait, dammit!"
"Nice." Vortex snorted from where he was double checking the estimated costs of repairs. Sexy, smart and he had a strong alcohol tolerance. Throw in his willingness to try new kinks – especially his apparent openness to cuckold-life – and Bee knew she'd really lucked out with him.
"Oh, piss off, asshole!"
"Look, it doesn't matter why he fucking did it! He got himself hurt again, and that's why I'm mad!" Pretty Pup snarled over both of them. She turned her gaze back to her phone and growled as she flicked the frost away. She snarled and rubbed her snout before another frosty glower was aimed at Bee. "Listen, I don't give a flying sack of shit about your...your who-gives-a- fuck old beef with Mephistopheles! Am I happy my mate got hurt? No! I'm livid, but he's right. It's not your choice to agree to whatever proposition that 'fuck-wad' made before Thor zapped them both. It's his."
"Thank you, Loon." Baby Bro winced as he tried to cross his arms smugly. He flinched back when Pretty Pup glared at him again.
"I never said I was done being mad at you, Doof. Nor did I ever fucking say that I wanted you to go through with whatever that shit heel is proposing!" The little bitch growled and then pointed at the space in front of her. "If you don't want to sleep on the floor tonight, get the fuck over here, sit the fuck down and fucking relax so your fucking arm can heal!"
Bee had never, and she means never, seen Baby Bro cowed so fast. And she raised the little ingrate! Unbelievable. She almost hated the part of herself that was impressed by Pretty Pup's command over him, but then he sat down right where she pointed and started whining at her. She ignored it – sly little bitch had to have some serious fucking brass balls hidden somewhere; Bee would find them during the threesome tomorrow night, this she swore! – and scratched him on his Spot? Why was he–? Ohh, it wasn't a continuous thing. That's cruel.
Good punishment, Bee approved.
"...Wow, you sure know how to pick them, Naruto." The Fuckwad chuckled before he made eye contact with Bee again. "Queen Bee-Lzebub, I know our last meeting wasn't ideal–"
"Oh, is that what you think about it?" Bee felt her right eye twitch as her claws flexed and her spice increased. She towered over the grinning raccoon-like demon. "You broke into my house, creeped on my Baby Bro during his nap and shoved some kind of shit inside of him!"
"...I feel like there's a lot to this story that needs to be shared, Doof." Pretty Pup deadpanned as she lowered her phone and stopped scratching Baby Bro's spot to give him another look. Baby Bro whined and flopped his chin onto the seat beside Pretty Pup. She growled at him and he shrank back, but whined again as he nosed her hand.
"Ah, yes. When I understood the complexity of the issue." The Fuckwad tapped his chin and paced along the room. Wait...where did–? How the fu–?! ...He was never restrained. Bee's eye twitched again. He was patronizing her. Again! Her teeth ground together. She hated this sonovabitch so fucking much.
"How did you get out of that salt circle?" Vortex asked. The Fuckwad smirked at her boyfriend and Bee snarled outright when he gave a smarmy response.
"I am the Lord of the Shadows."
"That...didn't answer my question."
"Take the hint, Hellhound," Mephistopheles advised, grinning with all teeth as his eyes flashed gold. "You're the most fragile one in the room right now, I would advise caution over false bravado."
"Hey, dickcheese, don't threaten my boyfriend!" Bee snapped as she zipped over to get in his face. Huh, did Vortex's Vibes dip into a rank set–? Nope, she must've imagined it. She returned her attention to the older demon that she barely tolerated the presence of...and he disappeared on her. Where did–Bastard!
"Naruto, my friend. Perhaps we should table this conversation for another time, hm?" Mephistopheles turned his hand over and offered Baby Bro a card that was taken before Baby Bro resumed whining at his mate. Bee was going to need some time to get used to that. The Fuckwad looked at his darkened nails. "The only time restraint that I had to worry about was on harvesting the other fragments of Kur– of the Kyubi's soul. Frankly, it is a miracle that the fragment that was inside of Thor and his hammer lasted for as long as they did, I'll have to experiment with that later. Maybe. Meh," The Fuckwad shrugged indifferently. "Anyway, actually implanting the fragments isn't on a timer. Yet. ...I think."
"He'll call you later." Pretty Pup grumbled as she kept glaring at Baby Bro. Finally, she got up and grabbed Baby Bro's collar to pull him with her. "Bee, see you tomorrow. Vortex, eat a dick. You…" The Fuckwad tilted his head, almost expectantly. Pretty Pup growled. "Fuck off."
"Aha, permission to leave. Excellent, just what I needed." The Fuckwad grinned and dissolved into black particles of sand that flew out the window. " Until we meet again~!"
"Did...did he just–?" Bee's jaw dropped open and she whirled around to chew out Pretty Pup, only to watch Baby Bro's tail disappear around the doorway. "Ga–Ba…"
"Wow, she left you speechless. That's a first." Vortex muttered. Bee slumped onto the floor beside him and he put his arm around her. His lips pressed into her cheek. "You hungry, Babe? Anything I can get you?"
"...Yeah..." She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. Her arms wound around his side and she nuzzled his thick shoulder. "No, I just want cuddles."
"I can do that." He rumbled and pecked her head. They sat in silence for a moment. "Hey, Bee?"
"Yeah?"
"Am I really the most fragile one in the room?"
"Uh." She winced. "...Do you want me to lie to you or be brutally honest?"
" Seriously?" He scowled. Bee grinned up at him.
"Hey, I still love you, don't I?"
"...How am I more fragile than the bitch half my age..?"
"Babe." Bee deadpanned at him. "Does it really fucking matter?"
"...I think I need to go to the gym."
"If you even think about moving from this spot, I'm eating you." Bee scowled. "Its cuddle time."
"Threaten me with a good time." Vortex smirked at her. "Why don't you save us the trouble and open up?"
...Dammit. She never should've agreed to trying Vore out again...
AN: Short. Short short short. SHOOOOOOORT! Ugh, god, why!? Why is this interlude arc taking so long to slog through?!
Steve! Do something to make it longer!
~ Remember It's Ju-u-u-ust a Fan-Fiction! ~
...What the fuck was that?! No, that was a terrible fucking way to lengthen it, we put that at the end of the fucking chapter notes, dumbass! So the computer is going to register it as the kill co–!