AN: A returning reader strikes gold!

Baka Okami - Ya got me. Naruto's fight clothes are an homage to SMITE's Anubis' 'heavy hitter' skin. A cyber cookie for you. And yeah, eventually I plan to return to that story. Nalia isn't done just yet.

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

'Till I Collapse

Standing together, not far from the tent where they left the younger couple, Vortex and Bee shared a quiet, awkward silence in a small alcove of the Khaoseum. The latter's cause of quiet couldn't be verified without breaking the silence, but the former wouldn't be the first to do so. Not out of anger, but because he needed the quiet to gather his thoughts.

At some point while they were in a relationship, Bee developed a serious Gluttonous-Lust for her brother – that caused a swell of mixed feelings that Vortex needed to work out – and now his new girlfriend as well. He knew that, in the grand scheme of things, if Bee got denied it long enough she would do something drastic – there's a reason Belphagor kept changing the locks on her drug stashes – and that could end their relationship. Vortex didn't want that. He also didn't want to have to do some macho bullshit 'fight' for her, either.

Of the fight he saw, of the feat he witnessed, for the first time in his life Vortex wondered if he was actually as 'tough' as he thought he was. Lazy punk asshole or not, Naru-Lzebub proved to every fucking Ring that he was officially one of the strongest Non-Sin, Non-Goetia demons in all of Hell. And Vortex...He wasn't sure why the little bastard always let him off. Was it a sign of disrespect for the Hellhound? Maybe, but he doubted it. Most of their digs at each other, when viewed in hindsight, were kept lighthearted: Vortex would call him a bastard or lazy or some mix of the two, and Naruto would retort with a crude joke or a jab at his kink.

Most of the anger towards the brother of Bee-Lzebub came from watching Bee interact with him. Prioritize him. Argue with him. That last one pushed some of Vortex's buttons; he just didn't understand why the brat wouldn't submit to the fucking Sin that took him in and raised him up. Was it just a teenager thing? Was Vortex ease with submission a Hellhound thing? He didn't know, and wouldn't know, until he and Naruto had words.

But this wasn't the time for that.

"So." His girlfriend, the Sin of Gluttony, broke the silence. "How...What do you want to talk about?"

"...You want me to be okay with you having a threesome with your brother and his girlfriend. We need to talk about why." Vortex leaned back against the brick wall. He ticked up his claws. "Why do you want this threesome? Why are you determined for me to be okay with it? Why shouldn't we just take a break if you want it so bad–?"

"Vortex, babe," she held his arm and her eyes stared up at him. Worry, concern, he saw those and more start to build behind her gaze. "I don't want to break up!"

"I don't either, Bee." He smiled at her reassuringly before he shook his head and his smile fell. "But we need to talk about it. Baby...I'm just not okay with you having a threesome with your brother and his girlfriend. It's not even being left out that bothers me. But, I'll admit it doesn't help."

"I know." Her ears dropped and she sighed as she looked down. "I know. I get that. I remember what you said–"

"But you still want it," Vortex interjected. He tilted her head back up and stroked her cheek. "Babe, we've been together for six years – that's a fucking record down here, I'm sure of it – and I don't want this to be a fight again. Because if it becomes one, we...I'm just preparing myself for the worst, okay?"

"...Fuck."

"Maybe later." He teased. It was a dumb joke, but it got a smile out of his girlfriend and he earned a small pinch for it. He wrapped his arms around her and growled happily when she returned the embrace. He kissed her cheek and stroked a claw by her ear as she nuzzled into his neck. "Bee, Babe, I may never be okay with it if it happens, but maybe if we work out why you want it to happen or why you want me to be okay with it, we can figure something out. Okay?"

"...Okay."

"Then, let's start with why you want this. And please give me something more than the 'Vibes'. You wouldn't be this bent on it if it were just that." He gave her a knowing look and she had the grace to look slightly ashamed. "So what is it?"

"If I tell you, you won't get upset, right?"

"I can't promise that." He shook his head. She frowned and he shrugged. "I can promise to hear you out, and not to throw a tantrum, but I can't promise anything about how I feel." He grinned and gave her a swift kiss on the cheek. "Other than how I feel about you, that is."

"You're such a fuckin' corndog." She snorted. He shrugged and then watched her expectantly as she gathered her thoughts. Her scent changed, the honey sweet he was used to smelling around him became a bit sweeter, closer to how Naruto's girl smelt. A bit like vanilla and honey blended.

"Baby Bro...beat me in a fight."

She whispered the words and they hit Vortex like a barrage of sledgehammers. That...actually explained a whole fucking lot about the situation. Vortex never fought Bee physically, he didn't want to nor see the need to get his ass handed to him, but if he ever decided to get serious with her, he'd have to. It wasn't a rule of Sin, it was just fact: in the depths of demonic biology was that demand for power. He'd have to prove he was strong enough and beat her.

That was laid out all the way back when they started dating, back when he met her Ex to give some depth to the shit show he found himself in. Never in all of his life before that day did he expect to meet the literal fucking Original Hound of Hell: Cerberus. That was the type of power he had to meet and surpass if he ever felt like getting serious with Bee, but that was potentially Future-Vortex's problem.

Right now, he needed to worry about the role reversal that happened without his knowledge. No, wait.

"Was this during that apocalypse thing?!" He asked. Bee nodded and he grimaced. Fuck, he should've asked about details that day much sooner. When she got back that day, all he asked was if she was okay, and when she told him she was, their date nite spilled into the next day and he found himself unable to walk. That revelation led him to his next question: "How bad was it?"

"Bad enough that if I hadn't gotten my fine ass pulled out of the fire by the Coin-Shìthe, I wouldn't be here right now."

"...Fuck..." No wonder she was so fucking horny that night. She not only got her ass kicked, but ran into one of her free passes. Honestly, Vortex didn't blame her for wanting a piece of Lobo – he met the Death Hound when he was younger and saw him fuck his father. Not intentionally, but, you know. He got the attraction there; Lobo was on his free pass list, too.

"...We...I need to process that." He admitted. Bee nodded into his neck. He stroked her back as his eye focused on nothing in particular. The little shithead he gave a hard time just became a big player in Hell's hierarchy; he was unofficially stronger than the Sin of Gluttony, a feat unheard of by any demon of any ring outside of other Sins. Fuck, if he managed to win again tonight...Vortex needed to talk to Naruto. Alone.

"You know I love you, right? ...Vortex?"

"Huh?" He blinked and looked at his girlfriend. She stared into his eyes and cupped his face. She pulled him into a kiss. He reciprocated until she broke it and stared into his eyes again.

"I love you."

"Oh, uh. Yeah, I love you, too, Bee."

"Still processing?"

"...Yeah."

"Okay." Bee smiled and gave him another kiss. "Wanna finish this talk later?"

"...yeah, we, uh, we may have to do that..."

Yeah, Vortex suddenly had a shit ton of new things he had to think about.

Loona had never felt this anxious before in her life.

Maybe when she had interviews with families as a pup – "Oh, no, you don't really want that one, she's too mean. She snaps whenever we try to pet her and always hides during mealtime." "What is she? Oh, she's some kind of mutt. No? Alright then, let me show you our purebreds." "Maybe getting her F-I-X-E-D, should help with the attitude, if you can-no? Alright." – she got that anxious, but that was part of her life she didn't want to revisit. Whenever she was anxious, she tended to lash out. So, yeah, hearing Blitzo laugh when Naruto passed out after his win triggered something. She'd have to apologize for the throat jab later...maybe. It depends on if he was going to keep being a dick.

Being held up by those meatheaded bitches in Security didn't help her calm down any. They didn't care if she was his girlfriend, just because she wasn't fucking family – so the fuck what?! Bee was only his sister on fucking paper! – and thus they had to be absolute douche-canoes about it.

She wanted her Doof, she wanted a Boop, and she wanted his Violet And Almost-Coconut scent within nuzzle radius. She wanted to see his dumb smile, hear his stupid jokes, and she wanted to tell him how fucking proud she was of him. He took out three of Hell's Top Fighters – sure, one was a technicality, fucking Sinner bullshit would've made that fight awful to watch anyway, but it was still a win – without the use of Magic, Demonic Power or his stupid Ninja crap! How many other demons could say they did that?!

She wanted all of that and the douche-canoes kept getting in her fucking way. If Bee hadn't shown up when she did, Loona might be sitting in a holding cell or unwillingly on her way to the morgue. That last thought made her think of the fucking dead ass sniper – fucker tried to kill her Doof, he got off too fucking lightly – and how that first interaction ended. She had to curl up on the bench to calm down.

Fuck, watching that last fight was hard for more than one reason – that bitch kept using that fucking whip on her Doof and shocked him and got him fucking impaled! If she hadn't fucking died, Loona would have fucking finished the fucking job herself. Bee said he had to get surgery?! Royals get fucking surgery outside of cosmetic shit?! – this next one, the Final? It was going to be torture. She could feel it in her bones, like a cold chill in the air.

What was only minutes, if not seconds, of waiting that felt like hours passed – Lord Asmodeus was nice, she kind of wondered what he wanted to ask her. If it was anything to do with becoming his side bitch, he could take a hike. She wasn't into preening flaming roosters, she preferred her doofy Foxfiend's cock, thank you very fucking much! – the Bastard in Charge, King Lucifer himself walked out of Naruto's room and gave the okay to go in. She sprinted past him – through him? She wasn't sure, Loona just moved. She didn't know if she tapped into magic to help her or not. – and practically collapsed beside Naruto's bedridden, bandaged body. There was an IV in his right arm and monitors on his chest and the room smelt of fucking antiseptic.

Bleary blue eyes cracked open and half-focused on her. His cute black nose flared as he scented the air a few times before his lips pulled up into a small smile. The Wriggler weakly thwaped into the bed and his ears perked in her direction.

"...Loon..."

His hand hadn't even fully raised up and she had it clasped in both of hers. She craned in close and pushed her nose to his. Relief washed through her – He's here, he's alive – but she was denied his Violet And Almost-Coconut scent.

Fucking antiseptic, what good did that shit ever do for anyone?

"Doof." She breathed and closed her eyes. Past the stupid high-grade cleansing scent, she should be able to find–There! Faint, but there! Violets and almost coconut. Fuck! That shouldn't be so faint! – his scent. Her breath hitched and she swallowed thickly. "Babe. Hey."

"...Y're s'posed to wait..." He mumbled. She huffed and smiled and reached out to stroke his head. Those medical shitters left his face so wet and it reeked of medical supplies. His eyes closed as they remained locked in a Boop. "Was gonna...come t' you...Promised."

"It's okay, Babe." She smiled into the Boop. He was here, he was probably high off of his ass on painkillers, but he was here–someone opened the flap and came in.

Paranoia set in: they wanted to take him away. Wanted to send him out to fight. He wasn't ready – shit, she wasn't ready for him to fight again. Nope, they couldn't take him yet. They'd have to take her, too.

"Scoot over." She muttered and he did. Despite the drug haze, he was still listening to her.

"Bee." Her Doof growled as she climbed into the bed with him. "Out."

"Why? It's not like you're gonna fuck, right?"

Yeah, definitely at the top of Loona's to-do list right now: Fuck her injured boyfriend so that he was more injured. Didn't she get how serious this was?!

"Bee." She growled and broke the Boop for only a second – just to tell her off. Just to send her away. Just to keep him safe. – and he whimpered. Nope, Doof's comfort took priority over Bee's Bee-ness. She still had to say something though, still had to get the Sin out of here before she riled him up. "Give us a few minutes. Please?"

She didn't want to, it seemed, but Vortex got the message. He might be a total hot meathead, but he could read a room. Or at least, he understood what Loona was going through. She was glad her back was to them, and when the flaps ruffled again, she let her guard down.

The tears swarmed. All of her relief, love and worry poured out of her through her eyes. He sniffed the air and more focus came to his wonderful eyes.

"Loon. No." He cupped her cheek and she grabbed onto the hand there, held it against her face as their Boop held strong. "I'm here. Don't...don't cry, babe. I'm okay. Just uh...a bit woozy."

"A bit woozy?" She repeated around a small huff.

"Well, yeah. Turns out that getting impaled by angelic weapons after having a panic attack ain't so good on the heart." He had the gall to fucking laugh. This fucking idiot...She whined and he sobered up. Blue eyes full and clear, a small smile on his face. "Really, Loon. I'm okay. Don't cry."

"I'm not crying, I'm just... so fucking glad you're okay." Loona sniffled and stroked her boyfriend's bruised face with her thumb. His rumble was weaker than it should have been and he leaned into her touch with a wince and fuck, she was going to cry. Again! This fucking asshole was so fucking lucky she loved him, given all the fucking times he's made her cry this month, let alone this week. She closed her eyes and furiously pushed down the tears, whines and whimpers her body wanted to let out. It was a losing battle. "I– Don't ever scare me like that, again."

"I'm sorry." His lips ghosted over hers. She pressed her lips back. Desperate to make him know, make him understand, just how fucked this whole night was. Their lips parted and his claws pushed some of her hair aside. "I love you, Loon."

"I love you, Doof." She snuck in over the vital machines and ignored the clean medical smell that clung to him as she tucked her head under his chin. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and she wrapped hers around his sides, careful of the fresh bandages that were put there. "S-so fucking much."

They laid like that for several minutes, the comfort of holding each other and another Boop was enough to calm her down. His claws stroked down her shoulders and she played with the patch of cream fur on his chest. His rumble was stronger, louder, and his heartbeat was steady. If his scent were just a bit stronger, her life would be so much better right now.

Of course, the Universe hated it when Loona was even slightly fucking close to being content with life.

"...The Final is in an hour." Naruto muttered. Her claws tightened in his patch and he hissed. "Ow, Loon!"

"Sorry." She whimpered as she untangled her claws from his fur. "...Can't you forfeit?"

"No." He sighed and pressed his lips to the top of her head before he craned his neck to nuzzle against her face. She preened from the affection and her tail whapped into the bed. His claws grazed over her Spot and her breath hitched. He almost brought them back for another stroke before he stopped. "Loon...You remember how I tricked the sniper?"

"Why would you bring that up right now?" She groaned as her head dropped into his shoulder. She'd just stopped thinking about that stupid day. She didn't want to think about that stupid day.

"Because I might have to do it again? And I told you I'd try to warn you..."

"...Hold on." Loona let her eyes squeeze shut before she pushed herself up to crouch over him. Her eyes locked with his and she bared her teeth. "Are you saying you could've done that at any time in the last fight?"

"Um, yes?"

Ah, yes, that was the look of her idiot when he realized he fucked up. Let's see if he can figure out how.

"Doof, be honest with me." Her eyes narrowed. "Can you make fucking clones right now?"

"Well, I've never experimented with them like that – Yes, I can make clones." He corrected himself – he should not be treating this like a joke; he just went into fucking emergency surgery to recover from a fucking death match! – when she snarled at him. His hands reached up and held onto her hips, kneading them gently and it was almost enough to distract her. "Loon, please, please don't get mad. This is part of a plan–"

"It's a very fucking stupid one!"

"Yeah, but when two idiots are left unsupervised, what do you expect?" Oh, he thought he was so fuckin' funny?! Her idiot just sealed someone's fucking casket and she might be in jail for murder before the end of the night. She leaned in with a growl and glared into his stupid pretty eyes.

"Who's the other idiot?"

"Douchifer."

...God fucking dammit...Her eyes closed and her growl stopped. She couldn't kill him, as much as she might want to at the moment. Wait, if they made a plan that might have accounted for her boyfriend to get as fucking beaten as he did...No. No, no-no-no, this wasn't that kind of bait and trap!

"Lucifer didn't lock any of your abilities, did he?"

Please, please, please for the love of all that's evil, let her be wrong. Please.

"...No." Naruto admitted softly and Loona felt her anger flare before it was snuffed in the same second. Fuck. The King of Hell almost signed Naruto's death warrant. "He wants me to pull a fast one on The Champion. That whole song and dance earlier was to trick him."

Loona's growl turned into a whimper and she gave her boyfriend another once over. Bandaged, bed-ridden, and his scent was covered in antiseptic shit. And that was against the fucking new blood. The Champion was going to kill him before he got any 'tricks' off. Fuck. She couldn't watch that.

"Hey, hey…" He cupped her face. She looked him back in the eye as he smiled. "Loon. Trust me. This? I'll be fine in fifteen, twenty minutes tops. Sore as all fuck, but fine. They're giving me, giving us, an hour. I'm telling you this now so you don't freak out...But you can't tell anyone. Not Blitzø, not the wonder duo, and especially not Bee."

Loona knew why not to tell Bee, her reaction to the fight would sell everything to the audience at home. To whoever the fucking 'Champion' was. She nodded and lowered her nose down to meet his. Her eyes closed as their breathing balanced out together.

"Promise me that you'll win. No matter what." She muttered. "You win. I don't care if it ruins Lucifer's fucking plan. You fucking win."

If he lost, he was dead. Gone. No more Boops. No more sex. No more kisses or hugs. No more Doof. Loona wouldn't, couldn't, can't go through that again. A month apart almost broke her, did break her. She was fractured, now, no more useful than a broken vase.

She felt his lips press against hers before he pulled her down to lay atop him. His arms were around her again, hers tightened at his neck. His cool nose pressed to the base of her notched ear.

"I promise, Loon," Naruto's voice was soft, but there was a fire to it. A warmth that made her believe him. "I'm gonna win. I swear to you, on my Name, my House, on my entire Being: I won't give up, I won't run away and I won't ever break my word. That's my Nindo, and let God himself smite me before I go against it."

"Huh, whazza?" The four-eyed wine enthusiast seated at the bar at the End of the Universe snorted awake and looked around. He was surrounded by emptied bottles of wine and one half-empty martini glass. He gulped the rest of that down and ate the olive before he scratched his head with the toothpick. "Could've sworn someone...Huh...Feels like someone important botched a quote. I should check it out–"

"Last call! Put yer orders in! Last call!"

"...On the other hand...I can still smell color!" YHWH held a hand up and grinned. "Oh, bartender~! I need a refill!"

An hour after his emergency surgery, forty-five minutes after he told his girlfriend the plan so she didn't kill him after it went off, Naruto walked back out into the Khaoseum's arena. His side ached slightly from where the blessed steel pierced his flesh, but thanks to the efforts of the top tier S.M.E.G. team that was on call, he was more or less back to one-hundred percent. His now signature obsidian chain was wound around his torso in lieu of a new shirt – that was Loona's idea; she said she liked it, so he went with it.

He chose to ignore the frightrousing leer she had when she told him it looked good and focused on the sweet memory of her good luck Boop and Kiss. A lethal combo, for sure.

His chosen music blared and the audience roared as he walked out. He looked up at the Sin's Box – Bee cheered and Oz whistled. Vore-Tex and Oz's side piece, (Is that a robot clown? Okay..?) seemed to be doing the same. The Short King Wannabe gave him a wide grin and he nodded – and then at the box adjacent to it where Loona sat with Blitzø, Stolas' family, and the giant, thicc, naked dragon lady. He held his gaze at the speck he recognized as his girlfriend, smiled and then thrust his right fist up towards her, bloody-bandage still in place, to remind her of his promise.

The natives went nuts while the Hounds in the audience howled.

Then...the Champion walked out.

No music.

No fanfare.

Just jeers and boos. Some threw garbage. Why did they–? Naruto saw the video. That was actually Satan, the Sin of Wrath and Father of Imps, getting his fucking ass handed to him in those clips.

Damn, he had to beat this guy. It should be easy. He's only twelve feet of a giant beefcake Minotaur who looked like he benched buses in his spare time. With a giant fuck off axe on his shoulder. Goddamn, he towered over Naruto, which, not a hard feat, but...Shit. He's big.

"Fighters! Exchange your last pleasantries before you butcher each other!" The announcer, Tim Tangelo or something, said over the cheers of the audience. The Minotaur, The Champion, Aterius, cracked a smile and shifted where he stood. Uh, antsy much?

"You're even more entrancing in person." What the fuck–? "That settles it. Before this night is over, I am going to fuck you."

...Goddammit...

"Why does everyone get that wrong around me?" Naruto groaned and rubbed his eye with his left middle finger before he put that hand on his hip. "Look, Beef Stroganof, it's 'I'm going to fuck you up'. As in, the beat down I will give you will leave you unrecognizable to your own descendants. Not 'I'm going to fuck you', like you're trying to come onto me. Which, retort number one, flattered but not interested, because of retort number two, I have a girlfriend and she's the best fuck I've ever had."

"I hope she is ready to be disappointed when you don't return to her."

"Dude, seriously?" Naruto shook his head and scratched his ear. That was so fucking weak. "C'mon, man, I thought you were a champion or some shit. Shouldn't you be, I dunno, fucking decent at trash talk?"

"No, I know what I said. You assume much. Allow me to clarify." The bull chuckled. His eyes blazed with an unbound dark leer and – oh fuck that Vibe was straight up Lust. The Foxfiend tensed and took a step back when Aterius visibly, salaciously licked and then bit onto his lip. "Before the night is over...I am going to fuck you."

"I...Wait...Do you mean–?" Naruto made a quick gesture with his fingers and the Minotaur nodded. The Foxfiend's eyes went wide and his tail bristled. He and the Douchifer never accounted for that. "Oh...Oh, shit."

"FIGHTERS, YOU MAY KILL!" The crowd roared with the ring of a gong.

"A fair warning: The better you fight, the better I will fuck you!"

"SHIT!" Naruto dove out of the way as the giant fuck-off axe slammed into the arena ground. He side-jumped once, twice and slid back to keep a decent distance between – It has a fucking energy attack! He dropped to avoid the vibrant pink slash that cut through the air and jumped to avoid the pulse that was kicked up towards him with an underhand swing.

"Come, Duke of Gluttony!" Aterius grinned as he held his axe at the ready. Another swing brought a vertical slash that sliced across the arena floor that the Foxfiend sidestepped at the last second. "Come and fight me like your ass depends on it!"

"...For some reason, I get the strange feeling that it might." Naruto muttered to himself. He pulled the chain from his torso and held it in front of him in the middle. A quick CHOMP parted the chain into twain and he wound both lengths around either arm. He brought his fists together and glared at The Champion as he put himself into a Southpaw stance. "Alright, Beef Wellington you want a piece of me that bad? Come 'n get it."

AN: And so it begins! Hit that playlist, Steve! Yeah, let's get pumped and get amped and...and...

...Why the fuck is this Spotify list full of children's songs? ...Babysitting? Why did you pick babysitting?! Look at the title, dipshit! It's an Eminem classic! ...Not the candy, you fucking foodie nutjob–Leave. Leave now, I'm going to commit a felony on your person if you don't go the fuck away.

He is so not getting any crackers tonight.

Thank you for reading!

Remember, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction.