Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
Remember The Name
As the fight between The Champion of Elysium and the Duke of Gluttony got underway, those with hearing good enough to catch the pre-battle banter started to murmur amongst their respective groups. Many wondered if all fights started with such sexual tension, others were curious if that was going to be a stipulation for the victor. One such avid listener, who heard all of the banter and the commentary on it, sat in the Sin's Box and had bitten through the shovel that was to be used to eat from the tub of popcorn in front of her.
"...Did... Did I hear him right?" Bee-Lzebub asked. She shoved the remains of the tool in her hand into her mouth before she scented the air. Her right eye twitched and her claws dug into the remnants of the arms of her chairs. "Luci. Luci, this guy is leaking Lust."
"That's not all he's leaking." Ozzie muttered. "Unless he's trailing glitter from his chiton."
"Oh, there's an idea." The robot sex Imp snickered.
"Okay, so Asterius is horny. What else is new?" Luci asked. He leaned on the arm of his throne and used one hand to stroke the stuffed duck in his lap. "Bee, if you try to go down there, again, I'm putting the chains back on."
"Asshole." Bee scowled as she sat back with two arms crossed while the other two took handfuls of popcorn. She absently shoved them into her mouth as she watched her Baby Bro deflect an axe swing with the chains he wrapped on his arms and then get knocked across the arena by a swing of the horny Minotaur's head. Ugh, she didn't want to watch this, it was already making her wracked anxiety spike and her already endless hunger was becoming ravenous. Maybe if she just focused on Baby Bro? Yeah, that could work.
She hummed around a mouthful of popcorn as Baby Bro slammed his wrapped fist into the – ...Rapey? ...Rapey – Rapey Bull's face after avoiding another charge and ducked under the following swing of that giant axe. Mm, Baby Bro wrapped in chains was a fucking great mental image. Maybe if he had cuffs on his wrists and his arms were extended above him, a nice blue collar to bring his eyes out with a muzzle to make him listen... she bet she could teach Pretty Pup how to properly Dom, shit, she didn't even have to bet Pretty Pup would look great in leather: there was that one Halloween pic on her 'Gram from a few years back that she found. She should reintroduce that Pretty Pup to the world, or should she cuck Baby Bro by trying out the Pretty Pup first? Make him watch her pleasure that sweet little puppy's cute lips and tits? Yeah, that'd get him nice and riled up for a good rough fuck. She could edge him a bit first...
These gluttonous-lustful thoughts brought up an idea of what she could do with her boyfriend to get him a little more open to the idea of her new dream threesome. Bee really didn't want to cheat on Tex and she really did love him, but again the usual route of his inclusion in this sort of thing was kind of axed when Baby Bro beat her in a fight. Whereas before the loss she could just tell him they were gonna fuck and switch partners, now he had ground to stand on to refuse her. Ugh, damn Sinful Instincts...It made coordinating some hot pseudo-incestual – should be actual incest, fuck that would be so much hotter for Bee – sexy times more difficult than it needed to be.
"Hey, Tex? What's your opinion on cuckolding?"
"Wha-? Babe, I–? Bee, I actually kind of want to watch this." He shifted in his seat. Well, that was honest, but the Vibes he let off after her question made her arch a brow. She knew Vortex was kind of a Sub in bed – with her, anyway, but she's a Sin, so she gets it – but that rich of a Sweet and Sour Vibe seemed excessive for him. Was ...Unholy shit, was Vortex into cuckolding? ...Fuck, that opened a whole fucking new can of worms for Bee to explore.
"Oh, fuck!" Ozzie gasped and covered his prime head's mouth. Bee looked back down at the arena and all thoughts of sex dashed from her mind. The Rapey Bull stood with his axe raised while Baby Bro stumbled away, a hand over his right shoulder. Why was it-? Shit, that's a lot of blood. How deep was... the... cut..?
Baby Bro's right arm was on the ground.
Her Baby Bro's fucking right arm was on the ground.
"Bee. Stay." Luci's order was not to be disobeyed. She knew that. She knew that...But her fucking Baby Bro's fucking right arm was on the fucking ground!
Jeers exploded from around the ring and the walking Steak-to-Be ignored them. He stalked forward and reached out to grab Baby Bro, who'd gone fetal with his ears flat and tail curled and he was missing his arm–!
"Game. Set. Match." Luci chuckled. He leaned forward and put his hands on both Bee's and Ozzie's shoulders. They froze, unable to move, but could still see and hear everything around them. "You two are going to love this. Sit tight and enjoy."
"Lucifer, Boss, c'mon." Ozzie grunted. "I know you and Naru-Baby don't see eye to eye, but-!"
"His arm's on the ground." Bee whimpered. She snarled and felt her spicy nature bubble to the surface. "Baby Bro-!"
"I said SIT." Luci was on his feet and standing between them. He walked in front of Bee and bent forward. His eyes met hers and his saccharine smile was on his face
"Bee, am I a Liar?" She didn't say anything until he grinned at her. "You may speak, Beelzebub."
"Yes, Luci." She bared her teeth at him. "You're a fucking liar."
"That's right, very good." He nodded and stood upright. He straightened his jacket and spun on the balls of his feet. He rested his hands on his cane and stared down at the fight. "They don't call me Honorable Hailey, the Rimjob King of Guantanamo Bay, they call me the actual fucking devil from The Bible."
"On my House, Lucifer Morningstar – no, on my Sin." Bee growled. "If you don't let me up and make me watch my Baby Bro bleed out!"
"Let me cook, Bee. Let me cook...They call me the devil, but I met The Devil." He chuckled. "He was a little shit that liked to stick bubblegum in Charlie's hair–"
"After she dumped his bowl of Ramen." Bee grumbled and snarled when Luci whirled on her with fire in his eyes.
"That was a fucking accident and you know it!"
"Bullshit! How do you accidentally spill someone's food!?"
"Okay...let's table that century old beef, guys. Naru-Baby needs moral support and Boss was going somewhere with his monologue," Ozzie said. Bee growled, but let her mouth click shut and Luci huffed as he reverted.
"Yes, fine. Thanks Oz." He fixed his jacket. "Where was I? Ah, right, The Devil. He was a little brat that liked to throw piss balloons at Mammon's concert. He's a little lying fuck who never gave one hundred and ten percent in anything he did down here...Because he couldn't afford to risk it."
"Risk what?" Ozzie asked. Luci hummed.
"Losing the only thing he ever wanted." He tapped his cane onto the ground and held the microphone that it had become up to his lips. "Brat!"
Asterius turned and snorted up at them in disdain while Baby Bro's ear flicked back to them. He was still hunched over, still holding his shoulder, still bleeding–! Bee needed to get him the fuck out of there–! Luci's next words were accompanied by another chuckle.
"Naru-Lzebub...You have my permission to retaliate." He snapped his fingers and thenlaughed again. A sinister smile was on his face. "Don't have too much fun."
Asterius' head tilted in confusion.
Baby Bro and his arm exploded into a rainbow cloud and confetti.
Well...alright then.
What the fuck was that little fucker going on about? Bah, no matter, I have a Duke to dominate. He never cared for Lucifer's demands, and the few he did follow aligned with his own wants in a way. So, ignoring the King he'd sworn fealty to if only to get a chance at a rematch against his cheating bitch of a dragon, Asterius sought out his trophy as the smoke cleared. The amputation could be fixed with time, and he was sure to only crack the muzzle, not break it. The breaking could come once his fuckstick got into the trophy's throat.
"Come out, come out, Duke! Hiding is a cowardly tactic, I hadn't thought you capable of it!" He jeered. A shift of stone and gravel behind him and him whirl around and slice down. A vertical energy slash rocketed out and dissipated before it hit the stone wall. He huffed. "The longer you hide, the harder I'll pound you!"
"Phrasing!" Echoed from around him. The Imps dare-? No, that was the Duke. Did he throw his voice? How did he make it sound like there were multiples of him? Asterius snorted and lowered his axe. Perhaps if he feigned lowering his guard–
"Now!"
"Aha, there you–!" Asterius blinked as two duplicates of the Duke ran at him. He'd read about and seen footage of the Duke's duplication ability, but to actually see it in action. Breathtaking. They moved in perfect synch, both arms intact – how did he manage that? Was it all a ruse? No, the blood splatter on the ground was still there. This was too confusing, he'd get his answer after he took the Duke's ass – clustered over a glowing orb in one's hand. Ah, yes. He almost forgot they were fighting.
"Rasengan!"
He named it? That's-That's-That's just adorable! Ah, Asterius was reminded of his first bout with Zabuza. The Oni liked to name his attacks, too. He'd disperse the attack with his axe, just as he'd shattered the Oni's bastard sword. His axe came down as the Duke's attack pressed into the edge.
A stalemate?
The Duke bared fangs at him – fuck, that toothy mouth was going to feel amazing on his thick girth – and held his wrist steady while the doppelgänger kept him anchored. Asterius fought not to bite his lip, his length strained against where he taped it to his thigh. This little Duke was just so...Enticing.
The Duke and his doppelgänger blanched before they both suddenly jumped back, the 'Raisin Gun' dissipated from existence and Asterius' swing went through to the ground. Hm, that's annoying, it's stuck. No matter, he released the handle and started to approach the gagging duo – that wonderful image didn't help with his straining loins – he didn't need his axe for this.
"Dude, you need to reign in your fucking Horny!" The Duke's clone snapped as he pointed at the champion. "This is a fucking fight! Not a fucking fight!"
"Ugh, fuck, it's in my eyes!" The Duke whimpered and rubbed at his face. "That so fuckin' foul, man!"
"If there was anything that succubus got right during her bout with you." Asterius rumbled as he lowered over the two identical lean and lithe Foxfiends. "It's that you're so fucking adorable."
"...okay, no homo, but fuck you, Beefzilla."
"Maybe if you behave really well." He smirked. The 'twins' faces went flat and they shared a look. He wondered what that was abo–?
"Have a taste of Infinite Torment!"
A third duplicate chirped from behind Asterius before the most incredible, unbelievable and indescribable pain shot up from his scrotum. Something pierced his flesh, right in the taint! He was paralyzed by pain for the first time in his long eternal life.
"Konohagakure Hiden Taijutsu Ōgi: Sennen Goroshi!"
There was a small poof and the presence behind him was gone. The twin Foxfiends in front of him flipped up all four of their middle fingers.
""Boom, bitch!"" They sneered before they went up in smoke and something smelt like burning meat. Wait, there was a sharp stinging down where he'd been stabbed, too. What was–?
BOOM!
Asterius blinked away stars and pushed himself off from where he landed on his face. Ow, ow, his ass felt like it was on fire. His dick burned like the time he stuck it in that child of Hephaestus. His testicles...he-he couldn't feel them. What?
...Ah, he understood now. He'd been neutered via explosion. Well, there was only one appropriate way to respond to this.
"Zeus'THRONE!" The Champion shrieked as he curled in on himself and cupped the space his two full and swollen balls once dangled from. Shit...and his wonderful length had almost been burnt! If not for the tape that kept it from harm's way...
Oh, Asterius was going to bust open this little shit's asshole so fucking hard!
A clawed foot stepped into his line of sight and he followed it up to the Foxfiend's sneering face.
"You...dishonorable little shit." He growled and pushed himself to a knee. One hand remained cupped over his crotch while the other kept him steady. "What kind of warrior puts an explosive on their enemy's scrotum?!"
"Any fucking ninja worth their salt." The Foxfiend deadpanned before he popped out of existence. What the fuck was-?
Asterius' jaw was just forcibly closed by the uppercut that suddenly exploded out of the arena floor, followed swiftly by the body of his opponent. His head snapped back and he teetered before gravity won out and he collapsed. His crown cracked into the pavement and–Shit! He bit through his tongue! He cupped his profusely bleeding jaw and tried to keep his head as he recoiled on the cool stone of the arena floor.
Keep calm, don't lose your temper. Think of the fuck you're going to put this smarmy little shit through! Think of how tight his ass will feel around your cock; how good it will feel to force him to gargle your regenerated ballsack! Asterius huffed and snorted and tried to ignore the disgusting metallic taste that filled his mouth. Another digitigrade foot appeared in his line of sight, and its twin slammed into his chest. He grunted as his sternum cracked.
How did someone so fucking small and tight hit so fucking hard?!
"Quake."
The snarl echoed before the ground rumbled beneath him. Asterius' eyes widened as he recognized the simple spell for what it was. The arena splintered into his back and he slumped into a crevasse. His ankle was caught by one crack, dangerously close to being severed if the forced Hellquake had gone on any longer. Asterius put his hands on the ground in an attempt to pry himself free.
The digitigrade foot pushed down on his cracked sternum and his attempt to free himself was thwarted. Narrow white eyes stared down at him, his muzzle curled to expose large fangs. The tail behind him whipped about like a furious serpent. The fangs gleamed as his lips pulled up into a smirk. What was–?
No.
No, he wouldn't. It was to be a fight they shared, not physical torment! He didn't even plan to maim him earlier, not that that had stuck-!
"Aftershock."
Another rumble brought the slabs of earth around his ankle together. Asterius was unable to withhold the scream that escaped him...
...And the audience of Imps reveled in his misery with cheers.
Octavia had never seen her former bodyguard look so...malicious before. Granted, she'd only known him for a week and the rest she knew about him came from either his Voxtagram account or his girlfriend's, but still. She thought she had a read on the type of guy he was. A strong goofball, sure, but a goofball all the same. Clearly, she wasn't alone with those thoughts, as her mother found her voice.
"He has access to Disaster Magic?!" Mother squawked. Okay, yeah, reasonable response, Octavia would agree, but was the loudness of it necessary? Itachi put a comforting hand on her arm and she relaxed. Having him around really helped alleviate her stress.
"It would appear so...Darling." Father added the last bit, almost as an afterthought. Octavia looked back at him to see him watching the fight with a very obvious amount of interest. He tapped his beak. "I wonder if perhaps he'd be willing to be a tutor for Tavia rather than a protector..."
"Don't you even fucking think about it, Stolas." The Imp that was causing her parents' marriage to fall apart – and consequently ruin Octavia's life – growled. Octavia chanced a glance back at him and watched him cross his arms. "It's bad enough he interrupted Forced Family Fun–"
"Interrupted? He fucking spared me anymore of this rodeo crap." Naruto's girlfriend with good taste – shit, what's her name? Luna? That sounded right, but something didn't-oh yeah! Two 'o's instead of a 'u'. – Loona scoffed and watched the absolute slaughter this fight had become with a smirk. Her tail kept wagging – Ugh, was it wrong Octavia wanted a tail like that? It was way prettier and more useful than her drab as fuck feathers. – and she bit on her lip. "Although maybe later I'll have my own rodeo."
Okay..?
As the Imp that fucked her Father started to complain about Loona's love life – which, was just kind of extremely sad – Octavia looked back at her seat wise companions to see their reaction. Itachi's expressionless face remained the same, but the more excitable and influenceable child on Octavia's other side...
"Mommy! Mommy! Can I do that one day?!" Satina asked. She stood and bounced on her seat as Naruto held Asterius by his horns, before he drove his knee into his bloody face. Yeesh, overkill much? The denizens of wrath in attendance along with little Satina threw their arms up and cheered. "YEAAAH! Hit 'im again! Hit 'im again!"
Oh, no. Satina had those too pure stars in her eyes and that unreasonably bright smile again. Shit, ass, fuck, shit, fuck, ass! Please, please Miss Lucia say 'no'! Don't let this goofball's bloodlust corrupt–!
"We'll see, sweetie."
Dammit! Octavia groaned and looked at her quiet friend for some support. His eyes were narrowed as he watched the Minotaur get a horn snapped off.
"Naruto has...really changed." Itachi muttered. He snorted and shook his head when the horn was jammed into the Minotaur's clavicle and the champion roared in anguish. "Acts even more like obaasan now."
"...Itachi, do you know him?" Octavia asked. He glanced at her, a brief widening of his eyes told her he hadn't expected to be heard, before they relaxed. He looked back down at the fight and a small smile crossed his face.
"We met once. It was...a brief encounter."
"Is that a joke?"
"Yes."
"...You crack jokes?" She teased. He gave her a sidelong glare and huffed before he looked back down at the arena.
"Enjoy the fight, Princess Octavia. I believe it is almost over."
The second he got the official go ahead, Naruto went all out. He made a promise and he would deliver on it. Not to mention, taking all those hits and hiding in an unstable Transformation Jutsu after coming out of surgery left him a bit winded. Or maybe it was the popped stitches.
Probably the latter.
Regardless, he really had to get back to training on the regular. This was only a half hour bout, he shouldn't be this winded. Then again, his Disaster Magic always took a lot out of him. That would be the first thing he had to work on then.
"No...More! Please! No more!" The champion that basically threatened his ass whimpered and tried to crawl away. His legs were broken in various places: his right hoof hung on by threads and the left knee was shattered. Blood flowed from various wounds across his torso, though most pooled from his mouth. "I yield...I yield!"
Naruto made two clones and whistled as he pointed at the myth-turned-whimpering demon. They went over and grabbed the beaten champion's arms and hauled him up. He walked up and unwound the bit of chain on his arm and tied it in a loose noose around Asterius' neck. Then, he grabbed the Minotaur's horn and tilted his head back.
"If it were up to me, I'd take this horn and shove it up your ass until it touched the other one." Naruto growled as he tugged on the growth. Asterius whimpered and he had good reason to, given that the other horn in question was still impaled in his chest behind his clavicle. Tch, typical; beat a demon to a bludgeoned balloon and they'd just wave it off as luck, but you blow a demon's scrote off with a small explosion and they become little bitches. He pushed the horn away as he backed up, the other end of the chain noose in his hand. "Any last words?"
"How...how are you...How are you so strong?"
There were many ways Naruto could have answered that question. He could have been honest. He could have lied. He could have turned it into a diatribe or monologue about his sheer awesomeness. Instead, he went with one word. One word to describe how he became the demon he was today.
"Ramen."
Then, he looked up at the Sin's Box and raised his thumb up.
This...This was justice. This was the sort of order he was meant to keep in Hell. This was the type of violence his people in Pride flocked to and coveted. They would never see it if he could manage it. If they ever had to see it...Well, Charlie had best be out of the Ring. Unless she was the one in trouble.
Lucifer smiled. It wasn't friendly. It wasn't kind. It wasn't cruel. It was the smile of an apex predator. The smile of the cat that cornered a wingless canary. Of a shark that decimated a school of fish. Of a snake that captured a lost rodent.
If Lucifer was the mind of the Apex Predator, then Naru-Lzebub was the poisoned fang. Everything had gone, mostly, according to plan. The brat getting impaled by a Carmine-Crafted trident was a bit of a hiccup, but hey, he got to see a Verosika Mayday concert for the first time and for free, too. Good thing, because she's not as good as Lilith, but hardly anyone was.
Regardless, he lifted his staff to his lips.
"FINISH IT."
"Tough luck, shithead." Naruto dropped his thumb down and the crowd roared. He tugged the noose so that it tightened around Asterius' neck. Once that happened, the Minotaur blinked out of his stupor and he struggled to break free.
"No! No! This wasn't supposed to end like this! I was supposed to win! I can't be beaten! You can't–! You can't do this to me! I am The Champion of Elysium! I am the original Monster of Myth! NO!"
"Well, I am doing this to you. See, Lucifer up there? The douche with the white hat? He knows you're not doing your job right. And me and my old – let's call him a friend – my old friend, Zabuza? You might remember him. He and I made a...let's call it a deal." Naruto turned to the Khaoseum's entryway. A thick icy mirror covered the gate that was there and two demons walked out. One was an Oni and the other...actually, Naruto wasn't sure what the other was. It was definitely related to ice somehow.
"...How...Did that get out?"
"Motherfucker, did you not listen to a word I said?" Naruto asked. He pulled on the chain and the Minotaur choked. "Lucifer knows what you did. All of it! I don't, but given how you fucking talked to me when we met – for the first fucking time, what the fuck is wrong with you?! – I can guess. Anyway, when he made a deal with me to ensure you got your ass handed to you, I added a few stipulations. Some were personal, I'll admit – I had to make it up to my girl for being gone for so long somehow – others were...mutually beneficial."
"We'll take it from here, Kid."
"Whatever." Naruto dropped the chain, let his clones dispel and looked up at the Jumbotron. He waved up at it and gestured for them to come down. Instead of the Sinner he really didn't want to interact with – thank fuck – he got a microphone. Honestly, so much better. He tapped the mic and held it to his mouth. "Ladies and gentlemen, non-binary specimen...I, Duke Naru-Lzebub, am utilizing my right as a House Demon to give my slot to Zabuza The Oni."
"I, Lucifer Morningstar, King of Hell, recognize this substitution and allow it!"
Oh, thank fuck. He was officially off script at this point. Thankfully, the crowd roared their approval. It wasn't too surprising, Zabuza was a fan favorite competitor over the years and his connection to Lucifer was well known.
"I've had a great time tonight, but I've got better shit to do than kill a bunch of assholes for bragging rights. Zabuza, he's all yours."
With that, Naruto ate the microphone and activated a House Seal on the ground. He turned around to give Asterius a final pair of middle fingers.
"Deuces, douchebag!"
Then fell back into the portal and dipped out.
"It was nice to see Naruto again. I'm glad he seems to be doing well."
"That's great, Haku. Freeze him."
"You...ungrateful...honorless...Wretch." Asterius sneered at The Oni as his arms, legs and torso were frozen. Zabuza cracked his neck and lined the Kubikiribōchō up with the Minotaur's frozen shoulder. He raised it up and brought it down. The shoulder and limb attached to it shattered. "GAAAHHH!"
"Four hundred and seventy-three." Zabuza growled as he dragged Kubikiribōchō across the ground to rest it over his shoulders again. "That's the amount of times you fucked me in the past week. I'm about to pay you back with interest, fucker. And when I'm done, I'm gonna mount your head."
"...On ...a wall…?"
"That's not what I said." Zabuza grinned beneath his bandaged mouth. "Haku...Fix him."
The arm reformed, still frozen, and Asterius' eyes went wide. The Oni's eyes blazed red and he chuckled.
"Four hundred and seventy-two more limbs to shatter." He chuckled darkly as he took hold of his sword in both hands once more. "Then we'll see how you handle being a eunuch."
A portal swirled into existence in the hall of the Khaoseum. Naruto stepped out of it and leaned outside of a box section. He reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out. A quick selfie with a victory gang-sign was taken before he sent it with a message.
(Promise kept. Wanna go destroy my hotel room?)
(...)
(...)
(...)
(Fuck yes. Be there in 5)
He grinned and pocketed his phone. He crossed his arms and waited not even a full minute before the sweet Vanilla scent he loved reached his nose. His arms opened and the offered embrace was welcomed eagerly. A soft pair of lips pressed against his and their tongues immediately clashed. His loss this time, the tie broken, and he let her explore. They parted with eager huffs of breath and brought their snouts together.
Boop.
"You did so good." Loona cooed at him and fuck if that didn't get The Wriggler going. Her claws came up to scratch at his Spots. "So fucking good. Good Doof."
"That...is not hot…" Naruto whined and panted as he was pushed up against the wall. His wonderfully evil girlfriend chuckled and pecked the tip of his nose before she initiated another Boop.
"You're a shit liar." She hummed as she started teasing him with Boop-connected kisses. Fuck, that wasn't fair. She can't scratch his Spots and tease him with kisses and a Boop! "But I'll be keeping you."
"Loon..." he whined.
"No more talking, Doof. Hotel. Now."
He'd never opened a House Seal faster in his fucking life.
AN: ...Ahem, needless to say, Zabuza got his revenge...On inter-ring television...in front of billions. It had the highest grossing ratings since "Ozzie's Grape Night" in '03.
Also: Oh, hi Haku!
Tomorrow, the conclusion to the Elysium Arc! And then Thursday...eh, haven't decided if I'm posting anything.
Is my berf-day on Thor's Day.
...Shut up, Steve, I know I'm old! That's why I act so silly: it's the dementia kicking in. ...Yeah, I know it actually could be. Fucking aspartame addiction…
Remember, it's just Fan– Who are you people!?