"Erm, well, how do you want to play this? Do we talk about our… feelings? The past two years? The period between the crash and divorce? In total that would be… wow, five years."
Callie sat there, fidgeting with the label on her beer bottle whilst Arizona contemplated the question, had the crash, their issues, all started five years ago? Or do they start back at Africa? Yikes, this was going to span over multiple sessions.
"Maybe we could have erm, some sort of erm-"
"Tick-list?" Callie's suggestion drew wry smiles from both surgeons.
"You know I like a tick-list", Arizona rose to grab a pen and pad for each of them. After silently passing a pair over, she sat down and gave a very unassured laugh, "I know you might need a bigger pad." It was clumsy, it had meant to be funny, but it landed flat.
"It wasn't all bad Arizona", self-deprecation, thy name is Arizona, "maybe to lighten the load we should put some good memories between each topic? Remember when you pulled the curtain rail down when you were trying to bake cookies? I mean the kitchen was nowhere near the window, how did you manage-"
Explanation ready, "I've told you, a bee chased me from the kitchen to the window, it was attacking me, like I had disturbed it's hive and Queen, it was personal."
"So you ran, with the whisk still in hand, towards the window and in a moment of frantic fear, yanked on the curtain and crashed onto the floor with the pole landing on your head?"
"You make it sound clumsy; it was self-defence."
"Sure it was."
The blonde couldn't hide her smile, "okay, so some funny, light-hearted, good memories in-between the serious stuff. Got it. She chanced it, "is there anything out of bounds?"
"No, I think everything needs to be on the table. Last time we tried to reconcile, it didn't go so great, and whilst we had Sofia then too, she's a lot older now, she understands more. We need to make sure everything is covered for her, for us, for any future we have, in any capacity."
"Agreed", then with slight apprehension, "can I ask you something before we start?"
Callie nodded, "Of course."
"Wh- what", deep breath, "what's end game here? A good co-parenting relationship? Friendship? …" she couldn't say the next stage, the rejection would kill her.
The brunette understood her train of thought, "…being back in a relationship… romantically. Back together, essentially, together, li- like before, before you know, just back together. Happy. I think that's end game, right?"
The wave of relief that surged through the ped's surgeon body was indescribable. "Okay, good, we're on the same page then", she paused and took in the vision before her, "I want to be with you Callie, we're both the same and yet so different since our divorce, but, have the feelings ever gone? Completely?"
"Our relationship meant so much to me Arizona, I could never just stop having feelings for you, even if they only ever end up platonic."
She wasn't too keen on the past tense and the word platonic, but she couldn't afford to read into every little nuance, it helped no one. Deep, lung filling breath, "okay, you go first, lay it on me."
The first thing on Callie's list was probably going to hit the hardest, possibly even more than the affairs. She had never been made to feel so worthless in her life, and to have the woman she loved treat her like scum, it still caused her pain. "How you treated me after the crash."
"Starting with the light stuff I see", never had a nervous smile seemed so… unnerving.
That's it Robbins, keep saying stupid stuff, nice one.
Five years' worth of questions and hurt were incoming. "Why were you so horrible to me? All I tried to do was look after you, to care for you, you and Sofia. I didn't have Mark for support, I- I tried my best every day to help you, but not only did you push me away, your vitriol cut my heart…", first voice crack, "…with a knife." She stopped to study Arizona's reaction, but all she saw in front of her was a mirrored broken soul, "I guess I-I don't know how I would have responded, I could never understand, but I'd like to think as my wife, I'd have let you in." The tears started, "b- but you didn't, y- you pushed me away, our daughter, away. I had gone from crying myself to sleep every night thinking you were dead to crying myself to sleep because you had completely rejected me", the memory stung them both, this was painful. "Every night I left our apartment to stay at Mark's, without receiving so much as a 'good night', any acknowledgement, even a grunt would have felt good, like you still knew I existed. You discarded me like garbage, like I was nothing more than trash on the bottom of your shoe." Her voice was getting shakier, she didn't know how long she could continue. Arizona's heart was breaking with each admission. "All I wanted was to be let in, for you to let me love you, for you to maybe show you still had some feelings for me, even if you were no longer in love with me."
With that, Arizona's sat up straight, the sullen look gone, replaced by… Anger?
Callie continued, "-If I'm being honest, I d- I don't think you ever forgave me for promising to save your leg. I think any love you had for me", she was at a final whisper "vanished".
Arizona sat there, the only noise in the room were Callie's near-silent sniffles, tears momentarily being mopped by the tissue she'd grabbed. Maybe she was being insecure, maybe if the cheating and affair hadn't happened, she wouldn't have gone there, but she did, it was real to her.
"I- I-", Arizona was lost for words, but after a brief pause to gather herself, she became impassioned. "I- never stopped loving you Calliope, not once, do you hear me? I- I- I know I was a bitch, horrible, I felt worthless bu- but I have loved you from that moment on that gurney after our disaster date, I have not stopped, I will never stop, not for a second."
The sentiment was appreciated, but felt far from convincing, "I don't think you treat someone you love, the way you treated me. I always wondered why you didn't go to therapy, or a group session, to diagnose and help manage your PTSD." These could be considered rational thoughts, but as we know, after thoughts are the easiest to rationalise. She continued, "then I think th- that's because you believed you weren't doing anything wrong. From the day your leg was amputated, you saw me as nothing but a scalpel hungry surgeon and a carer. Not your wife, not your lover, not your future, I was nothing." Broken. Callie was broken.
For her part, Arizona was physically struggling to breathe, this was hurting more than she could have ever imagined, and they hadn't even got to Boswell or Murphy yet. Hearing Callie doubt her love was only going to increase when those two names come up, and she was certain she wouldn't cope. Had she really made Callie felt worthless? She was going to be sick. "I- I- Callie, I- I don't know how to say it in any other way, I loved you, I love you, I will always love you, you are my future, you and Sofia. These two years, since our divorce, I- I've just been existing. I feel nothing, I want nothing. Food doesn't taste the same, the sun doesn't kiss my skin, my smile is fake, my laughs empty. I float Callie, I simply exist. I am so sorry for how I treated you, please, please believe me." She didn't know if the tears rolling down her cheek were from sadness or frustration. Honestly? It was probably both.
"Arizona, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, or guilty, but I need some sort of explanation, to have a discussion, about why you pushed me away. You've never spoken to me about those four days in the mountain, and I accept that, even when I was your wife. I know you Arizona, I couldn't coax thoughts out of you, even the good stuff."
Sullen. "I- I- I want to tell you, but it- it's hard, it's so hard Callie."
"I cannot begin to imagine what you went through Arizona, I really can't, and maybe I'm being selfish, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if the situation was reversed, I honestly think I'd have confided in you." Callie was desperate for an explanation. "I'd work with you to get better, I- I'd want to recover as soon as possible, to get my life back, my career back and most importantly, my family back. Maybe I'm romanticising it, thinking it would be like a chick-flick, girl gets injured, girl helps girl recover, girl wins Olympic medal, girl kisses girl on the podium and they live happily ever after."
"I'd pay to see that movie" Arizona attempted to lighten the mood, but she was feeling equally broken as her ex-wife was right now. "Callie, I'm not perfect, I'm quite flawed actually, and I know I treated you awfully but- but I couldn't cope. Instead of turning towards the one person I should have, I pushed away, and the only way I could get through the day wa- was by pushing everything away."
"Were you angry when I told them to cut off your leg?"
"Yes."
The raven-haired beauty sighed, "that was my mistake, I made a promise I knew I shouldn't have made. Maybe you would have still loved me if I hadn't got involved and just helped you recover instead. Be the reason you healed, not the reason you had to heal."
That triggered her. "Stop. Saying. I. Stopped. Loving. You. Callie. Just stop! Stop saying that! How many times?!" Arizona was angry now, why wouldn't she believe her? Her state post-crash to now was completely different, and she was getting frustrated that her ex-wife was still putting words into her mouth. "You need to stop telling me what I feel, stop putting words into my mouth, stop assuming you know everything, you don't Callie!" Her voice held firm but her breath was shaky, she looked up, broken eyes meeting hers. "If you're sitting there thinking I'm not in love with you, then what's the point in this? Why do you want to have this discussion if you think I'm not 100% in this? What do you want me to say? Tell me, tell me what you want me to say."
Despite the impassioned plea, until a spouse has mentally bullied you, you wouldn't understand. Yes they had briefly reconciled after the affair, but in her brain's recesses, Callie had always wondered if it was a dependency thing, rather than love.
"I- I think I'm tired, it's been a long 24 hours, I- I think I'm going to go to bed."
Arizona's heart sunk, this can't be happening, it can't end like this, they can't end like this. As Callie started to gingerly get up, hand full of tear-stained tissues, her phone buzzed. She picked it up and read its contents.
Owen: Hey Callie, hope you're okay, just to say Simon came to the hospital but was carted away by security. The police were called so he should be in police custody now. Let me know if you need anything.
She looked to Arizona but the blonde couldn't meet her gaze. This conversation had drained them both, but maybe this could bring them round to a more recent reality.
"They've arrested Simon."