Hello world !
Here's my very first fic, I hope you'll enjoy the plot. If you like it enough to tell me, I would love to read your comments as I feel very insecure about my writing.
Some chapters will have big TWs, so make sure you read the notes at the beginning of each chapter.
Thanks to d'Angelie ( ddrizzelz on twitter) my beta/co-author/mind reader, without whom this story would never have existed.
For this first chapter, no TW :-)
.
.
.
"I want something more."
"What do you mean, more?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm gonna have to figure that out."
.
Harvey was thrown into a whirlwind of confusion. What did Donna mean by "more" ? Was it about work, or perhaps she sought something beyond the confines of the firm ? Maybe a different career altogether ? His mind raced, considering various possibilities. After all, Harvey and Donna were experts in deciphering double meanings and unspoken words.
Despite relishing Donna's constant presence for hours on end each day, Harvey understood that she yearned for more than just being his secretary. Over the past 12 years, she had surpassed all his expectations, yet her potential seemed squandered on menial tasks like rescheduling appointments or playing guard dog outside his office. Unsure how to respond to her vague request, Harvey felt a determination to support her. While he once equated losing her professionally to an unbearable wound, over time, he had resolved many of his own issues and grown capable of prioritizing her needs, even at his own expense. As long as their relationship remained strictly professional and he didn't risk losing her friendship, he was willing to make sacrifices.
However, what if Donna's "more" held a double meaning ? Harvey couldn't ignore the possibility of a stable, serious relationship, something he had long avoided due to his own emotional baggage. He recognized Donna's need for someone experienced in commitment, someone who understood relationships intimately—qualities he felt he lacked. Despite his love for her, Harvey feared his own shortcomings would only cause her pain. And so, he made a reckless decision born of fear: asking out his former therapist. Surprisingly, she agreed—a choice Harvey knew would only complicate matters further.
"Yes ? For real ?"
"You seem disappointed, Harvey," Paula smiled, adjusting her sunglasses.
"No, not disappointed, quite the opposite. I thought you had some kind of moral code, but I'm glad you don't," Harvey said in a seductive tone.
"I do have a moral code, thank you very much. But your therapy has been over for more than a year, and it's just dinner for now."
"Good. I'll pick you up tomorrow night, 7."
With a suave grin, he slid back into his 1972 Ferrari and sped off. It was perfect, providing him with a convenient excuse in case Donna demanded more on a personal level. Although he was convinced Paula would decline, Harvey wasn't disappointed, just slightly surprised. He had anticipated more resistance. Perhaps the Specter charm had worked its magic once again. Today was shaping up to be a good day—managing partner, a date tomorrow night, Mike back at the office, and the sun shining.
Until he ran into Donna in the lobby. Damn. He had hoped to avoid her, at least for the morning. As their eyes met, Harvey felt a bead of sweat forming on his brow, his heart pounding erratically. He struggled to catch his breath, his mind racing with countless assumptions about what Donna might want to discuss.
"I know what I want." Donna said immediately.
" Okay, let's get this over with. It's probably—"
"I want to be a partner." She said with a serious look on her face. Her eyes bore into his.
The words hung in the air, unexpected but oddly relieving or not ? She had been solely focused on work, so Harvey's overreaction was unwarranted. There's no double meaning; she simply wanted to advance her career within Pearson Specter Litt. She wasn't leaving him. Well, not really. She just didn't want to be his secretary anymore. He was aware that she deserved his unwavering support in every aspect of her career. It wasn't about him; it was about her.
And he could live with that, of course. He knew she'd put him first for years and it was only fair to give her the same courtesy.
It did bug him, he admitted to himself but it had to be because he didn't like to share her with anyone… Her works he means… It was definitely not because he felt any type of way about her. And if he did it'd be a mistake because she clearly didn't want 'more' with him, she just said so herself. Not to mention he had a date tonight, a date with….
Paula.
His mind quickly raced back to Paula. Should he cancel their date ? All he could think about was Donna.
As she stared into him trying to read his expression and trying to gauge what his answer was going to be he couldn't help but admire her. Those hazel eyes could make that man crumble. Her cute little nose, and those lips–
He immediately felt guilty and gross with himself. Paula was nice, beautiful, smart, and most importantly she already knew him, albeit not as well as Donna. She was aware of his struggles, and if she agreed to dinner, perhaps she'd be open to seeing where it leads.
With a deep breath, Harvey set aside his thoughts of Donna and committed to focusing on the present moment. Despite the inner turmoil he faced, he understood the importance of prioritizing Donna's professional growth, setting aside personal distractions for now.
The dinner wasn't going as smoothly as Harvey had hoped actually. He couldn't shake off the disconcerting feeling upon realizing that Paula had already harbored thoughts of him in such a way, almost as if she had fantasized about him. Sure, he was the one who had asked her out, and he couldn't deny that she was an attractive woman. But to discover that she had entertained such notions during their therapy sessions was... Unsettling... Kinda hot though. Or maybe not ? Despite this, Harvey wasn't one to complain about leaving an impression on women.
As they sat across from each other at the quaint bistro, the ambiance was cozy, the clinking of cutlery against plates mingling with soft jazz tunes in the background. Harvey fidgeted with his napkin, stealing glances at Paula, who seemed composed, her gaze focused on him with a hint of curiosity.
"So, Harvey," Paula began, her voice gentle yet probing, "how have you been since our last session?"
Harvey cleared his throat, feeling a slight flush creeping up his neck, praying Paula wouldn't notice, he had a reputation to uphold. "Fine. Just... navigating through life, you know."
Paula nodded, her lips twitching into a faint smile. "Navigating can be tricky sometimes. But it seems like you're handling it well."
He shifted in his seat, feeling a mix of nerves coursing through him but still put a confident smile on his face to mask his unease. "I'm doing my best."
Their conversation ebbed and flowed, touching upon various topics ranging from work to hobbies to childhood memories. Yet, underneath it all, there lingered an unspoken tension.
As their dinner progressed, Harvey found himself drawn to Paula's attentiveness. It was easy to talk to her. She was a great listener. He felt a spotlight on himself as most of the talking was being done by him. And though he tried to focus on her questions, small replies, and the meal before them, his mind kept drifting back to that unsettling revelation from earlier.
It was not new for him to have someone fantasize about him. Hell, he didn't have enough fingers or toes to count how many times someone has fantasized about him on. But after Paula's confession, he just felt… Weird ? Has she thought about anybody else in this way ?
Finally, unable to contain his curiosity and racing thoughts any longer, Harvey cleared his throat. "Paula, there's something I've been meaning to ask..."
She raised an eyebrow, her expression encouraging him to continue.
"What you said earlier. About...," He didn't really know how to bring up the subject, without sounding condescending or jealous.
Paula's gaze softened, her eyes meeting his with understanding. "You mean about me fantasizing about you?"
He nodded, relieved that she seemed to grasp his meaning. "Yeah, that. Have you ever done that before?"
A reassuring smile graced her lips as she reached across the table, her hand resting atop his briefly before retreating. "You sound disappointed, I'd thought you would've found it hot."
Paula's directness and confidence caught him off guard. He fumbled for a response, his mind racing to make sense of her words. Was she teasing him ? Or was there a deeper meaning behind her playful demeanor ?
"I mean..." he began, swallowing frantically, his words stopping as he struggled to find the right thing to say.
Paula chuckled softly, a twinkle of amusement dancing in her eyes. "Relax, Harvey. I'm just teasing. But to answer your question, yes, it's not uncommon for thoughts to wander in therapy sessions. It's part of the process."
'That's not a weird response, right ?' he thought to himself.
Her reassurance washed over him, a wave of relief mingling with the lingering uncertainty in his mind. "Oh, okay. I guess I just wasn't expecting it from you."
She nodded understandingly. "It can be surprising when emotions come to the surface unexpectedly. But remember, it's all part of your…of our journey together."
Paula's presence was comforting, her insight guiding him through the maze of his thoughts and feelings, and that's something he has seemed to be needing a lot recently.
Yet, despite the ease of their interaction, a nagging doubt still lingered at the back of his mind. Was he truly ready to delve into this uncharted territory with Paula ? Could he trust her with his vulnerabilities, knowing that she had already glimpsed into the depths of his psyche ?
Before he could dwell further on his doubts, Paula's voice broke through his reverie, her tone gentle yet firm. "Harvey, I know this may be overwhelming, but I want you to know that I'm here for you every step of the way. We'll navigate through this together, okay ?"
Her words were like a lifeline, anchoring him to the present moment amidst the whirlwind of his thoughts. With a grateful smile, he nodded, a newfound sense of resolve settling within him. Now he knew that she would be patient enough to set him straight and explain where he went wrong if he ever did. After all, she is a therapist.
'I'm just overthinking' he thought to himself. Ready to push away all the doubt and any other thoughts that popped into his head for the rest of the night.
"Thank you, Paula," he said softly, his voice filled with sincerity.
Their dinner continued, each moment building upon the foundation of trust and connection they had forged together. As they left the bistro, Harvey couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope blooming within him, guiding him toward an uncertain yet promising-ish future. He believed he could make it work with Paula, and he felt confident that he could.
.
In the initial weeks with Paula, everything had seemed more than satisfactory. Everything was easy with her—simple, comfortable, safe. There was no fiery passion consuming them, but then again, not every adult relationship needed that level of intensity, right ? Life wasn't a Hollywood movie where every moment was filled with sweaty palms and racing heartbeats. Harvey didn't require that kind of excitement to feel fulfilled in a relationship. And as for sex, well, it was alright. Certainly not the best he'd ever had—that title would always belong to Donna. But it was sufficient, enough to make him want to continue. It didn't spark the same incredible connection he had felt with Donna, but then again, what relationship did?
The couple had agreed to have breakfast near Harvey's office, as he had an early appointment. Paula went ahead to order their coffee while Harvey dealt with a client on the phone. She returned to the table just as Harvey finished his call.
"Sorry about that. My appointment this morning is a ball of nerves, I can't wait to get it over with," Harvey confessed, his voice tight with anticipation.
"That's alright." She said understandingly. " Here's yours. I've already added sugar." Paula handed him his coffee, which he accepted with a soft glance of gratitude, thankful that she'd taken care of their order. Yet, as he took the first sip, a grimace flickered across his face, betraying his dissatisfaction. He excused himself and headed to the counter, returning with a single dose of vanilla.
"Vanilla?" Paula's mocking laugh rang out. "Who puts vanilla in their coffee? I didn't even know that was a thing."
"It's a habit I've had for years," Harvey tried to justify, his tone cold. He didn't need Paula to analyze him and uncover the hidden meanings behind his choice of flavor.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you over vanilla." Paula reached out, taking his hand on the table and squeezing it affectionately. Harvey managed a smile, though he bit the inside of his cheek. The simple act of adding vanilla to his coffee brought him back to her . It wasn't physically healthy to dwell on her for such a trivial detail, but after over 12 years intertwined in each other's lives, he couldn't help it. Everything reminded him of her —every scent, every place, every flavor, every person he interacted with. It was as if he was grieving for someone who wasn't even dead.
As their hands met, Paula felt a flicker of concern at the tension radiating from Harvey. She frowned, wondering what could possibly be bothering him so much about a cup of coffee. Yet, she sensed his reluctance to delve deeper, and so she held back, choosing instead to offer a reassuring squeeze of his hand.
In this moment of bittersweet nostalgia and trying to push her out of his mind, Mike appeared at the café's entrance, lining up before meeting Harvey's gaze. As their eyes locked, the older lawyer withdrew his hand from Paula's as if it had been burned. She watched the exchange, perplexed by the sudden shift in Harvey's demeanor. Before she could question him, however, the young man in a suit approached their table.
"Harvey, there you are. I was going to call you about..." Mike suddenly realized his boss wasn't alone and looked like he'd interrupted something. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to bother you."
"It's okay, Mike, don't worry. What's going on ?" he said nonchalantly.
"Noah Davis. He's been harassing me. Don't we have a meeting with him in 20 minutes?!" Mike asked in disbelief.
Harvey's jaw tensed at the mention of Noah Davis. He knew the trouble Noah could stir up. "Yes, we do have a meeting with him in 20 minutes. He's a real pain in the ass. I just hung up with him 5 minutes ago, and he's already getting on my nerves, even though the day hasn't even started yet," Harvey grumbled, his frustration evident in his tone.
"Glad to know we're on the same page. I already have a headache just thinking about it," Mike rubbed his eyes tiredly, his irritation mirroring Harvey's.
"Oh, sorry, Junior, for your headache, what do you want from me ? A massage ?" Harvey replied sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood, but his attempt fell flat as tension hangs in the air between him and Paula.
"Very funny. We'll see who's more on edge by the end of this meeting. I will get a coffee while I'm here. have you ordered one for Donna yet ?" Mike asked innocently.
.
Donna. Coffee. Vanilla. Fuck.
.
He panicked.
"Uh, no, I didn't…" he started to say as he looked at Paula with his peripherals.
"I didn't order anything for Donna," he finished. Harvey shook his head, a flicker of guilt crossing his features.
"Okay, I'll get one for her." Mike quickly said as he nodded and headed towards the order line.
Once his associate left the café, Harvey released a breath he hadn't been conscious of holding, his mind still lingering on Donna and not truly understanding why.
He shook his head and changed the conversation quickly.
.
"That kid's unbearable, huh ?" Harvey tried to crack a joke that didn't seem to work on Paula. If her eyes could kill, he'd be dead.
"What ?" He questioned wide-eyed.
"Are we going to talk about it? Or are we going to be immature and pretend like nothing happened ?" Paula snipped back, annoyed– her brows furrowed. One could practically see the fumes coming off of her.
Harvey's stomach knotted at the sharpness in Paula's tone. He didn't understand why she was coming at him like this. Was it because he was thinking about another woman ?
.
'Wait, how could she know? Does she really know me this well already ? Shit. I need to apologize.'
.
"Paula, if this is about D–" Harvey began to say, but was cut off by Paula.
"What this is about is you dropping my hand like it was on fire as soon as your associate approached," Paula snapped, her frustration palpable.
.
'Whew ! Ok, so it's not about Donna.' he thought to himself quickly. That was one fire down, one more to go.
.
"Paula..." he began before he was interrupted once more.
"What's going on? Because I'm not here to play games, Harvey." She said back.
"Neither am I, I..." Harvey quickly said, trying not to sabotage this newfound relationship.
"What? Are you ashamed of me?" Paula's voice wavered with hurt and humiliation.
"What? No, not at all. Look, I'm just trying to take things slowly and..."
"You didn't seem to be taking it slow last night, though," Paula murmured sharply, remembering the drunken night they shared, her words stinging.
"Paula... Listen, I know it's pathetic for a man of my age to say, but you're my first real relationship. I don't want to rush things, but I'm not going to lie to you, I have no idea how to handle this."
"Well, for starters, you could keep holding my hand even when your associate is around." she said, trying to offer a solution.
Harvey felt a pang of guilt at Paula's words. He knew he'd mishandled the situation.
"I know a lot of people in the area, Paula. I don't want people to think you're just another fling, because you're not– and well I don't know… I panicked." Harvey confessed sincerely, surprising himself with this admission.
"If people's opinions matter so much, maybe you should be dating them instead." Paula said, fed up with Harvey.
"You're right, they don't… It won't happen again, okay?" he said, trying to reach a resolution. He knew she wasn't entirely wrong, but his ego was far too high to apologize.
Just when he thought this argument was over he saw Paula's eyes change. Her eyes went from angry to disappointed. He'd seen eyes of disappointment many times before, it felt familiar. The only difference now was that they were blue, and the other ones were hazel.
Paula looked straight into him and through him because although some of the things he said were true, it didn't feel like the full story and that could only mean one thing.
Before he can even get a word out or even a reaction she spoke.
"You didn't tell them you were seeing me, did you ?" she said flatly, looking away.
'She knows. Of course, she knows it's literally her job to know stuff like this. I'm a piece of shit.' he thought to himself.
"No... I didn't," Harvey admitted, feeling a bit ashamed. He knew he should have been more upfront about their relationship, but the thought of explaining that she was his former therapist was already giving him a headache. It would only complicate things further, especially with Donna. And that was the last thing he wanted.
Paula glanced at her watch, her agitation growing with each passing second. The once-promising breakfast outing had taken an unexpected turn, leaving her eager to escape the stifling atmosphere.
"We should leave. Ray will be here soon," she announced, her voice clipped as she rose from her seat, her movements brisk. Without waiting for Harvey's response, she strode out of the café, her steps quickening with each stride. Harvey followed in her wake, dodging through the bustling crowd, but maintaining a careful distance to allow her space to cool off. As they reached the imposing facade of the Pearson Specter Litt building, Paula's determination to leave without a backward glance was palpable. Acting on impulse, Harvey reached out and grasped her arm, halting her in her tracks.
"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone, ok ? Like I said before this is all new to me. It was a mistake, but I'll make it right. I'll make it up to you. Let me make it up to you." he implored, his voice tinged with urgency.
Paula's eyes flashed with frustration and doubt. "When, Harvey ? Today ? Tomorrow ? In a month ?" Her words hung heavy in the air, loaded with unspoken tension.
"I can't promise it will be today but soon ? You know, managing partner and all that crap," Harvey's tone carried a hint of annoyance, not with her precisely but at the whole situation.
"But you will tell people about us ? Right ?" Paula's voice was insistent, her gaze searching for reassurance.
"Yes," Harvey replied, his tone confident even though his mind was already concerned with the implications of his promise.
"And Donna ?" Paula's question cut through the air like a knife, stirring a whirlwind of conflicting emotions within Harvey.
"What about her ?" Harvey's voice wavered slightly, betraying the turmoil raging beneath the surface.
"Will you tell her too ?" she questioned.
Harvey's mind races, his thoughts tangled in a web of guilt and uncertainty. "Yeah, I will." he spit out quickly, trying not to give it too much thought.
"Okay, I'll see you tonight at your place then," Paula relented, her resolve softening as she agreed to give him another chance, though the tension between them remained unresolved, lingering like a storm on the horizon.
.
.
The day dragged on relentlessly, a relentless parade of meetings, phone calls, and legal conundrums. From the tense encounter at the cafe to the aggravating negotiations with Noah Davis, who seemed to embody every petulant client Harvey had ever encountered, the hours blurred together in a blur of frustration and exhaustion. Lunchtime brought no respite, as Harvey found himself tethered to his phone, navigating the labyrinth of managing partner responsibilities and avoiding Donna.
By the time evening descended, casting long shadows across the cityscape, Harvey felt like a man caught in the throes of a relentless storm. The weight of his new role bore down on him like a heavy burden, leaving him weary and drained as he trudged homeward. The city streets were quiet now, the hustle and bustle of daytime replaced by a hushed stillness that mirrored the turmoil within Harvey's own mind.
It was well past 10 p.m. when he finally crossed the threshold of his condo, the warmth of home offering a fleeting sense of solace amidst the chaos of his thoughts. He hadn't expected to find Paula still awake, but there she was, curled up on his couch with a book and a cup of tea, a blanket draped over her legs. Her presence was a balm to his weary soul, a reminder of the fragile relationship they shared amidst the tumult of his life.
Harvey couldn't shake the unease that gnawed at his insides. Paula's easy familiarity with his space, her effortless intrusion into his private domain, left him feeling exposed and vulnerable. His sanctuary had been breached, his carefully constructed walls crumbling in the face of her presence.
His cupboards were filled with about dozens different tea flavors, leaving no room for his chips, his fridge mostly contained vegetables, severely restricting space for beers, and let's not talk about the detox drinks that left no room for his energy drinks that he liked to drink after his jog or boxing sessions. So far, she hadn't invaded his dressing room or bathroom, and he hoped she wouldn't do so anytime soon. He really wanted this relationship to work, but he also wanted to take things slowly, and her invasion of his personal space after a few weeks wasn't exactly the definition of "taking things slowly" for Harvey.
He shrugged off his suit jacket, tossing it over the back of the couch with a weary sigh, before sinking down beside her. But Paula was lost in her book, not completely oblivious to his arrival but, her attention was consumed by the fictional world between the pages. And for a moment, Harvey felt like a stranger in his own home, a mere footnote in the story of her life. His stomach rumbled and he immediately got up and headed to the kitchen.
As he stepped into the kitchen, the weight of the day still heavy on his shoulders, he couldn't help but feel a pang of frustration as he rummaged through the cupboards in search of a snack. His movements were brisk, bordering on frantic, as he was opening cupboard after cupboard, his agitation mounting with each empty shelf.
"How was your day ?" he asked, his voice strained with weariness, the tension of the day lingering in the air.
"Not too bad. I managed to tidy up all my notes in addition to my appointments," Paula responded, her voice calm but tinged with a hint of exhaustion.
"Great," Harvey muttered absentmindedly, his focus still fixed on his fruitless search. "Have you seen the ramen that was in this cupboard?"
"They looked expired, so I threw them out," Paula replied matter-of-factly, her gaze never leaving the pages of her book.
"Looked expired ? It's dry food, it doesn't expire," Harvey retorted, his frustration evident in his tone.
"Harvey, were you honestly going to eat those dehydrated noodles ?" Her incredulity was clear in the question.
"I was totally going to eat those dehydrated noodles," Harvey insisted, though his resolve is beginning to waver under Paula's unwavering gaze.
"Harvey, those are not good. It has no taste, not to mention the nonexistent nutritional value," Paula chid, her voice tinged with concern.
"It's pretty ironic to talk about taste coming from someone who comes from a country where the classic breakfast is based on beans," Harvey quipped, a feeble attempt to lighten the mood after the tense exchange.
But Paula's response was anything but amused. The deadly look she gave him didn't fit well with him, a stark reminder of the rift that still lingered between them.
"Okay, you're clearly still upset about this morning," Harvey observed, his voice softening as he acknowledged the elephant in the room.
"I'm surprised you're observant enough to realize that," Paula retorted, her tone laced with bitterness.
"Contrary to popular belief, I'm very observant," Harvey replied, though his attempt at humor falls flat in the face of Paula's lingering resentment.
The blonde woman finally rose from the comfort of the couch, her steps measured as she approached Harvey in the kitchen, where he leaned against the counter, his expression solemn.
"The gesture hurt me more than I thought if I must admit," Paula murmured, her voice soft but weighted with emotion, her admission hanging heavy in the air between them.
"I'm sorry again. I've had shitty experiences and an even shittier childhood in terms of romantic relationships, but trust me, I really want this relationship between us to work," Harvey explained, his hands enfolding hers in a silent plea for understanding.
"In light of what you're saying, I guess today wasn't the day to talk to them about us," Paula acknowledged, her gaze drifting to the floor as she processed Harvey's words.
"To tell you the truth, I didn't even have time to eat today, so talking about my amazing new girlfriend wasn't really my priority," Harvey confessed, trying to cheer her up.
Paula nodded gently, a faint smile playing at the corners of her lips as Harvey's words offered a glimmer of hope amid the tension that hung between them.
"Besides, I have an idea that you might like. Since Jessica just left and it was a bit rushed, Louis and I have decided to organize a gala with our biggest clients to show them that the Firm isn't weakened and they have nothing to fear. It won't be for another 3 weeks until we can get everything organized, but I thought you could come with me. Everyone will be there," Harvey suggested, his eyes searching hers for a sign of approval.
"I'd love that. Thank you, Harvey," Paula responded, her gratitude evident in her voice as she met his gaze with a newfound warmth.
"I'm trying," Harvey offered, his admission tinged with vulnerability.
"I know," Paula whispered, her words a silent reassurance that she was willing to meet him halfway.
Encouraged by the thawing of the tension between them, Paula decided to make a gesture of her own. Drawing him close, she pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss.
Paula's lips brushed against his, her touch sending a shiver down Harvey's spine as she traced a path down to his jaw and then his neck. With deft fingers, she began to loosen his tie, her movements slow and deliberate as she sought better access.
"Paula, what you're doing is really lovely. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but like I said, I haven't eaten all day and I'm really hungry," Harvey murmured, his voice full of desire and exhaustion.
"I have an idea of what you could eat," his girlfriend whispered in his ear, her breath warm against his skin, sending a jolt of electricity through him.
.
" Yeah, but I'm not really in the mood for it. I need food and I'm tired, " Harvey thought to himself.
.
His thoughts torn between the allure of Paula's touch and the gnawing hunger that gripped his stomach.
The atmosphere in the room had been charged with tension ever since their confrontation earlier that day, and Harvey couldn't shake the weight of it from his shoulders. Paula's initial anger had slowly simmered down, replaced by an uneasy calm that hung between them like a heavy fog. The last thing he wanted was to upset her further, knowing all too well that compromise was the cornerstone of any successful relationship. With a silent resolve, he knew he had to find a way to bridge the gap between them, to ease the tension that threatened to tear them apart.
"I'm gonna love this," Harvey forced a smile, his attempt at levity falling flat in the face of Paula's distracted demeanor. Though his words were light, his heart weighed heavy.
Paula, lost in her own thoughts, didn't notice the falseness of his smile as she busied herself with unbuttoning his shirt, her movements mechanical and devoid of the warmth that once defined their intimacy. Harvey's chest tightened with a pang of disappointment, knowing that their physical connection had become nothing more than a facade, a hollow imitation of a passion he's felt before. Not with her but one he wish he could share with her.
As Paula's hands traced over his skin, Harvey's mind raced with a flurry of conflicting emotions. He longed for the closeness he felt with her , for the easy intimacy that he experienced "the other time" with her . But despite the ache in his heart, Harvey knew that dwelling on the past will only lead to more pain. With a heavy sigh, he pushed aside his inner turmoil, choosing instead to focus on the present moment, however fleeting it may be.
Preferring to continue their intimate encounter in the bedroom, Paula took Harvey's hand and led him into the next room with a sense of ownership, as though she were the master of the space and he was merely a welcomed guest. As she reclined on the bed, Harvey finished shedding his shirt and t-shirt before joining her, his movements tinged with a mixture of desire and uncertainty.
.
With Paula already clad in her underwear, a clear indication of her eagerness, Harvey lowered himself onto her, his lips seeking hers in a fervent kiss that ignited a fire within her. As their passion intensified, Paula's hands roamed over Harvey's body, tracing the contours of his shoulders, arms, and chest with a tenderness that belied the urgency of their desire.
"God, I love your body," Paula murmured between kisses, her words a testament to the depth of her admiration as her hands continued their exploration, each touch igniting a spark of pleasure that coursed through her veins.
Normally, Harvey would have reveled in the compliment. He would have boasted about it the next morning, letting his ego swell even further (if that were possible). But in this moment, the compliment felt tainted, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He couldn't quite pinpoint why, but it seemed as though it was meant to cast him in a light of guilt and shame. Yet, similar words had been exchanged with other women in the past without issue. He had even uttered them himself, never encountering such discomfort. As he mulled over it, he realized his body was not onboard at all with the prospect of sleeping with Paula tonight. His brain pleaded exhaustion, his stomach grumbled with hunger, and his dick remained limp. Refusing to get with the program, no matter how much he willed it to. Despite this internal discord, Harvey couldn't bring himself to reject Paula after his behavior towards her earlier in the day. He was supposed to be making an effort, convincing her that their relationship was viable despite their complex history. But with each step forward, he felt himself teetering closer to a precipice. He was torn between retreating or taking the plunge into the unknown because all he could think of was Donna.
But he owed Paula this evening, a token of apology for his recent transgressions. To override his body's protests, he resorted to the only tactic he knew would provide temporary solace.
.
Closing his eyes, he conjured an image of Donna.
Donna and her fiery hair.
Donna and her porcelain-white skin.
Donna and her hundreds of freckles that perfectly contrasted with the color of her skin.
Donna and her hands softer than any other that would ever touch him.
Donna and her warm hazel eyes full of tenderness.
Donna and her smile that could light up Manhattan all by itself.
.
His mind was taken back 12 years to the bedroom in Donna's apartment, and his dick finally stirred. He was kissing a neck and shoulder, imagining all the freckles that had been revealed when he'd slid Donna's gown from her body.
He closed his eyes and buried his nose in soft hair. God, that fiery red hair. So damn beautiful.
He nibbled down to the nipples in front of him. Donna's had been perked, her head tilting back as his tongue touched her breasts, her hands running through his hair, urging him not to stop. He wouldn't stop now, dick aching as fingers yanked his blond strands once again.
As Harvey yielded to his partner's physical demands, his actions, once mechanical and devoid of passion, were now becoming fervent, almost savage.
He finally sank between her legs and heard her moan. He could have sworn it was Donna's voice. He hastened his pace, thinking of the moans she'd made for him.
He squeezed the hips under his hands, remembering the marks he had left on Donna and the sense of possessiveness and belonging he had felt, and how much she had loved it. Harvey kept his eyes closed during the act. Lost in his memory, refusing to acknowledge reality.
He was with Donna tonight, completely connected to her. He forced himself to believe that it would suffice, that he must suffice.
As he moved, Paula's accent calling his name nearly made him falter. But Harvey couldn't bear to meet her gaze. He lacked the strength, the fortitude, to confront what he was doing. Instead, he sought refuge in the hollow of her embrace, burying his face in her neck and shut out the world. He didn't want reality, he just wanted Donna.
.
Donna. Donna. Donna.
Her name echoed relentlessly in his mind, a refrain that refused to fade. She occupied every corner of his thoughts, an integral part of his being, woven into the very fabric of his soul.
.
Donna. Donna. Donna.
He was as close to coming as he was to saying her name. Lost in the depths of his mind, he almost made the ultimate mistake of saying her name out loud. But he managed to pull himself together at the last moment and he clenched his jaw, biting his inner cheek until the metallic tang of blood flooded his senses. And with a final anguished groan, he succumbed to release, his body responding mechanically while his mind remained ensnared by thoughts of Donna. Exhausted and ashamed, he remained motionless for a moment, unable to face Paula, convinced that his detachment from her was glaringly apparent. Eventually, he pulled away, and laid on his back, retreating into the solace of his own solitude, consumed by a suffocating wave of shame.
.
As Paula sought solace in his embrace, Harvey's heart was heavy with remorse, his spirit burdened by the weight of his betrayal.
"I knew you had a reputation for being good in bed but this? Mind-blowing," she smiled at him, completely satisfied and oblivious. "It was... Wild but very satisfying. You should be in that state of mind every time."
He smiled back shyly and kissed her forehead but didn't respond, still not trusting his voice.
"At least she didn't feel like I was everywhere but with her. And she liked that. Fuck." Harvey thought.
As Paula's words linger in the air, Harvey's smile faltered, his facade of contentment crumbling beneath the weight of his guilt. He accepted her praise with a forced smile, unable to reciprocate the sentiment. Despite her satisfaction, he felt a chasm growing between them, widening with each passing moment.
They laid there quietly. As she drifted off into slumber, Harvey's mind raced with a torrent of conflicting emotions, his heart heavy with remorse. He tossed and turned restlessly, the weight of his actions was bearing down upon him like an unbearable burden. What he did gnawed at his conscience, a festering wound that will refuse to heal.
It wasn't fair to Paula. It wasn't fair to Donna. And it certainly wasn't fair to himself. He felt like a fraud, a hypocrite who was masquerading behind a facade of normalcy. The thought made him sick to his stomach, a knot of nausea tightening with each passing moment.
.
In a sudden rush of panic, Harvey bolted from the bed, his breath ragged gasps. He stumbled to the bathroom, his body wracked with tremors as he collapsed before the toilet. Waves of nausea washed over him, his stomach heaved as he emptied its contents in a desperate attempt to purge himself of the guilt that threatened to consume him.
But even as he retched, he knew it was futile. The sickness that plagued him ran deeper than any physical ailment. It was a sickness of the soul, a sickness born of regret and self-loathing. He knew now he was in love with Donna, knew it with a certainty that cut through the fog of his turmoil like a blade. But he also knew he wasn't worthy of her, knew it with conviction that twisted like a knife in his gut.
Donna deserved better than him. She deserved someone who can love her without reservation, someone who could give her the happiness she deserved. And Harvey knew he could never be that person. He was the shadow to her light, the darkness that lurked in the corners of her world. Not to mention, she didn't want 'more' with him. If she did he'd know. Right ? Or she would say she wanted more.
With a heavy heart and aching soul, Harvey vowed to banish Donna from his thoughts, to exorcize her from his body and his soul. It will take time, he knew it, but he was determined to make it happen. Until then, he'll continue to purge himself of her memory, one heave at a time.