"Hey, Louis, do you have a minute?" Donna asked as she stepped into her friend's office, closing the door softly behind her.
"Of course," Louis replied cheerfully, sipping his prune juice. "I'm on my second break of the day. I need to focus on my bowels while I purge. Want some?" He extended a glass to her, his eyes lighting up at the thought of sharing his prunes with Donna.
Donna raised her hands with a playful smile. "This is lovely, Louis, but I'll pass." She settled into the chair across from him. "I just wanted to thank you for letting me call Stan for those recommendations. It really helped a lot."
"You're welcome. Did you find what you were looking for?"
"It wasn't for me but for a friend, and yes, actually, he found what he needed. So thanks to you and Stan."
Louis leaned back, his eyes narrowing thoughtfully. "It was for Harvey, wasn't it?" he asked, his curiosity piqued.
"Louis..."
"I knew it!" he shouted triumphantly, leaping from his seat. "He's having panic attacks again, isn't he?"
"Louis-"
"Did you two fight again? You seemed to be getting along fine though. No, that doesn't make sense, you wouldn't have-"
"Louis!" Donna's sharp tone cut through his rapid-fire questions, making him freeze and sit back down, looking chastened. She closed her eyes for a moment, gathering her thoughts. She knew Louis wouldn't let go now that he had a lead. "He dated a woman for a few months, and it turned out to be a... toxic and abusive relationship in many ways. That's why he's in therapy."
Louis was silent for a moment, his usual cheerfulness replaced by a look of genuine concern. "Donna, I know better than anyone that Harvey can be arrogant and cruel, but to say he's toxic..."
"What? No!" Donna exclaimed, exasperation in her voice. "Louis, Harvey wasn't the abuser in that relationship."
"What? Who's that bitch?! Did Harvey at least press charges? Because I'm going to sue the shit out of her!"
"Louis, calm down! No, he didn't press charges, and don't even think about bringing it up to him. Mike already did, and they argued about it."
"But Donna..."
"I know, Louis, believe me, I know." Donna's frustration softened into a look of helpless concern. She hated that Harvey refused to press charges, but she understood why he wasn't ready. She just hoped he would come to his senses sooner or later. "I just came to thank you because this psychiatrist is really helping Harvey a lot."
Louis nodded, his brow furrowing. "How?"
"How what?"
"How can a guy with Harvey's build be the victim?"
Donna sighed, the memory of Harvey in the hospital flashing through her mind. "Let's just say that when you put something in a drink hard enough that it's hard to keep your eyes open, it doesn't matter if the person is 6 feet tall or 5'2", you can do whatever you want."
The shock on Louis's face was palpable, and Donna couldn't tell if he was about to explode with anger or break down in tears. "Louis..."
"It's my fault."
"Excuse me?!" Donna blinked, utterly taken aback. Of all the things he could have said, this was the last thing she expected.
"I've been supposed to do these drug tests for a month and a half, but ever since Jessica left, Harvey and I have been overwhelmed, so-"
"Okay, Louis, stop! First of all, associates are subjected to the tests, not partners, so you don't know if Harvey would have agreed to take the test, and knowing him, he probably would have said no. Secondly, this type of substance stays in the blood for only 12 hours, so the test would have had to be done very early. And lastly, it's no one's fault but hers," Donna argued, hoping her words would be enough to relax her friend.
When she was sure Louis was calm enough to be left alone, she finally left his office, even though she could well imagine the gears in his brain turning at full speed. As she walked away, Donna couldn't shake the feeling of unease. This conversation had brought back all her worries about Harvey, but she knew she had to trust him to handle it in his own way.
Harvey was on his fifth session with Dr. Robinson, meeting her twice a week, and it was going surprisingly well. Everything felt simpler with her—no conflict, no obligation to talk if he didn't want to. She respected his boundaries, making him all the more comfortable.
The first few sessions had been about delving into his relationship with Paula and the guilt he felt towards her. He had finally managed to accept that not everything was his fault, and even though it wasn't right to start a relationship when it was obvious his heart belonged to someone else, it didn't justify her actions in any way.
Convincing Harvey that he had been a victim of abuse had been the hardest part, but it had been a necessary step for him to move forward. It wasn't easy for anyone to see themselves in that role, but it was even harder when you were a straight white man in a position of responsibility. He clearly didn't fit the profile of a victim, and Paula certainly didn't fit the profile of an abuser. Harvey was slowly coming to terms with the situation he'd been in, even though some words were still banned from his vocabulary.
Today, however, Jamie had decided to give Harvey a break and change the subject.
"Why have you never confessed your feelings to Donna?" she asked gently, her voice softening as she observed the tension in his posture.
"Because she probably doesn't feel the same way about me," Harvey responded instantly. The idea was ingrained in him, and he clenched his fists, a reflexive move to ward off the vulnerability the question triggered.
"Has that ever stopped you before?" Jamie's eyes held a curious light, watching him closely.
He shook his head. "Donna's different. It's... far too risky. And even if she did feel the same way, I'm not meant to be with her." His voice was firm, but there was an underlying note of sadness.
"Why don't you let her decide that for herself?"
"There's nothing to decide. I know myself. I'll end up screwing things up, hurting her, and this time I'll lose her for real," he admitted softly, clenching his jaw and staring at the floor.
"So what you're saying is you're afraid of messing things up if you were to start a relationship."
"Yes..." he sighed absently, running a hand through his hair in frustration.
Dr. Robinson closed her notebook and looked him in the eyes. "I don't think you're really afraid of that. What you're afraid of is that you know she will make you happy. And being happy is the most terrifying thing in the universe because once you're happy, it can be taken from you."
Harvey didn't see where she was going with this. She might be right, but it didn't change the fact that he couldn't say anything without risking what they currently had. "That doesn't change the problem."
"On the contrary, it changes everything." She leaned forward to emphasize her point. "You think you're afraid of breaking what you might have, but that's not the case. When you have something good, Harvey, you don't play with it. You don't take chances losing it. You don't neglect it. When you've finally found the person who makes you happy on this earth, you pour into it. You cherish it. Because when you take care of something good, good things take care of you too."
"What if I'm still not enough?" Harvey asked, looking at his hands and nervously fidgeting with them.
"Nobody's perfect, Harvey, not even Donna. We all suffer from something, we all have our baggage, and no one is immune to making a mistake someday. But when you have the chance to meet someone willing to commit, to understand you, and who wants to grow old with you, don't let something as stupid as ego or pride ruin it."
"She'll hate me when she finds out I've been thinking about her in... and I can't just hide it and confess my feelings, that won't work."
"Then tell her," Jamie suggested. "I can't speak for Donna, but I bet you're overreacting to her possible reaction. You see what you've done as something perverse, but it's not. You just imagined making love with the person you loved. And I would even add that if you were to feel guilty, it should be towards Paula, not Donna."
"I was at first, but the guilt for Donna took over," Harvey admitted, his voice tinged with shame. Even though he acknowledged that Paula had her faults, he still felt bad for putting her in that position.
"That makes sense since we agreed that Donna was the one you were in love with."
"So I just have to take the plunge and hope my parachute opens." Harvey was a gambler, he had always liked taking risks, but he felt that Donna challenged all of that. For the first time in his life, he wasn't sure the risks were worth it.
"It's necessary to move forward, Harvey, regardless of Donna's feelings for you. You won't be able to move on without knowing."
Harvey nodded slowly, his mind a whirl of thoughts and emotions. Jamie's words resonated with him, but the fear of losing Donna still loomed large. As he left the session, he knew he had to find the courage to confront his feelings and take the leap, hoping that the parachute would indeed open.
After his session with Dr. Robinson, Harvey knew he needed to talk to Donna as soon as possible. Like ripping off a Band-Aid—quickly, hoping it wouldn't be too painful. He was lost in his thoughts as he walked through Donna's door. It had been some time since he had agreed to stay at her place. What was supposed to be just a few days had turned into weeks. Neither of them had talked about when Harvey would go back to his condo. Donna liked having him around and appreciated his company. She especially liked being able to keep an eye on him. Living together had ended up being much more natural than expected. Everything fit perfectly. It was simple. Natural. And neither of them seemed to want to put an end to their arrangement. Yet, Harvey was convinced that everything would end tonight.
"Hey, Harvey," greeted Donna when she saw him enter the living room from the kitchen. She was obviously cooking since she had made it her goal to get Harvey to gain weight again.
It wasn't noticeable yet, but step by step, the lawyer was starting to physically get better. He had regained enough energy to resume his jogging twice a week, and it wouldn't be long before he took up boxing again. It was only a matter of days now that his hand was finally healed.
.
"Hey," he responded absently, trying to find a way to avoid the conversation.
Donna sensed the hesitation in his tone. "Tough session?"
"Something like that," he murmured, sitting down at the dining table and loosening his tie.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Donna asked, turning off the stove and approaching him. She was already wearing one of her satin pajamas and a long indoor jacket, her eyes filled with concern.
"Not really, but the doctor convinced me it would be for the best."
Donna didn't say anything but took his hand in a gesture of encouragement, her touch warm and reassuring.
"I never told you why Paula did... what she did."
"You don't have to—"
"I was thinking about you," he said quickly. If he waited too long, he would never have the courage to say the words.
Donna frowned, not sure what he meant. "I was thinking about you... all the time," Harvey repeated, emphasizing the last words. "I thought I was discreet, that Paula didn't notice, but she eventually figured it out."
"What do you mean all the time?"
"All the time." He finally looked at Donna to make sure she understood. "All. The. Time."
"Oh." A flash of understanding passed through her eyes. "Oh..."
Harvey nodded. "Yeah, exactly. So can we skip to the part where you tell me I disgust you and—"
"Why?"
The question caught him off guard. "Why what?"
"Why were you thinking about me?" Donna asked urgently, feeling her nerves rising.
"You know why," sighed the lawyer.
"Oh my God. Not this again!" She stood up, her voice rising. She couldn't stand that sentence any longer, she didn't want to hear it. She moved away from him to lean against the wall. "I know I like to say I'm Donna and I know everything, but sometimes, SOMETIMES, I need things to be spelled out for me, Harvey," she said, frustrated.
.
"Because I can't get you out of my head," Harvey almost reproached. "Everything brings me back to you. Every smell, every taste, every place, every person. Everything. The entire city reminds me of you. I think about you when I wake up in the morning because the first thing I see through my bedroom is the cactus on my coffee table. I think about you when I make my coffee and put that damn vanilla in it. Then I think about you once I'm in the car because I remember all the times we've shared my car and your conversations with Ray. Then I think about you the whole way to work because there's always a moment when I pass by one of those fancy stores or all the restaurants we've been to together. Obviously, I think about you for the 15 hours I'm at the office because guess what? You're in every fiber of that building! And then I think about you when I get home and order Thai food. You're even in my dreams sometimes. So tell me, please, tell me how I'm supposed to get you out of my head?!" he finally asked with a desperate tone.
"You don't have to get me out of your head, Harvey. Why do you play the martyr by forbidding yourself a relationship with me if you want me that much?!"
"I'm not playing the martyr, Donna," he yelled, getting up from his chair so quickly that he almost knocked it over.
"Then why the hell are you doing this?!"
"Because I don't deserve you. Because you're you and I'm just... me." These last words were whispered so low, like he was ashamed of being just himself and not enough.
"What does that mean, Harvey?" Donna seemed exhausted from their unspoken words and having to guess. She needed to hear him say what was going on in his head and heart.
"It means that..." He hesitated for a moment, not sure how to put it. "If we start a relationship, I'll screw it up. That's what I always do. And when I've hurt you irreparably, you'll leave, and this time for good. I can't risk that. I'm drowning without you, Donna. And I know it sounds like someone very dependent, but sometimes I feel like you're my oxygen. If you're not there, I can't breathe." Harvey's voice broke, his heart on the verge of tears, and his eyes were glossy with unshed tears.
"Harvey, what you're describing is just love," she explained desperately. "Do you think Mike can breathe properly if Rachel isn't around? Do you think Louis was overreacting to his breakup with Sheila? Having these kinds of feelings isn't necessarily toxic."
"Are you sure about that?" Harvey asked, not entirely convinced.
"I am. Do you think I wasn't suffocating when I got the call from the hospital? Do you think my heart wasn't pounding when you had all those tests for fear you might have some disease?" she admitted, shedding a tear that rolled down her cheek.
"That doesn't change the fact that I'm going to fuck it up. Look at what happened with Pau—"
"Don't you dare compare," she said in a cold tone, pointing a finger at him. He lowered his eyes in response. He clearly still had trouble accepting that he wasn't the only one at fault for what happened.
"Harvey, look at me." She waited for him to raise his eyes to her before continuing. His eyes were red from tears, but he still refused to let them fall. "What you had with Paula wasn't love. It was manipulation, cruelty, and someone using your attachment issues to create dependence. It's the total opposite of love." She felt sorry for him, that he had to go through that to realize what he really wanted.
"Oh..."
"Harvey, you're a good man."
"Am I?" sighed the lawyer.
"Yes, and believe me when I tell you, you are enough. You have no idea how much you're worthy."
"I'm not perfect."
"Oh, I know! I've been dealing with you for a long time," the redhead replied sarcastically. "And that's good because I don't trust perfect guys. Nobody's perfect, Harvey, and the ones who claim to be are the ones hiding the most."
"So you want to be with the selfish and emotionally handicapped guy?" Harvey asked, raising his eyebrows. He couldn't believe his ears. That she followed him in his career, fine. That they were friends, great. But that she also wanted to be with him when she could have the whole city at her feet, that was beyond comprehension.
"No, Harvey." Her eyes welled up, and she started crying softly again before clarifying. She began to move, taking a step closer to him with each phrase, as if to emphasize her words, to give them more weight. "I want to be with the guy who gave up his scholarship to Harvard to pay for his brother's chemo. I want to be with the guy who gave a chance to a kid who dreamed of being a lawyer. I want to be with the guy who was ready to go to prison to protect that same kid. I want to be with the guy who had enough courage and love to forgive his mother who traumatized him. I want to be with the guy who's so loyal that he didn't want to turn in his former mentor, even when he was ready to throw him under a bus. I want to be with the guy who made a shitty deal with Forstmann just so his brother could achieve his dream. I want to be with the guy who watched over Rachel for nights."
Harvey's head shot up when he heard that. He thought he had managed to keep something hidden from Donna. But apparently, that was impossible—this woman knew everything.
.
"Yes, I know that," she continued, seeing his reaction. They were now so close that their noses could almost touch. She saw Harvey glancing back and forth between her eyes and her mouth. He seemed torn between his head and his heart, so she said one last thing before letting him decide if it was all worth it. "And if a genie granted me one wish, just one, do you know what I would wish for?"
Harvey shook his head in response, not trusting his voice at the moment. "That you see yourself the way I see you."
Donna stared at him, her heart pounding in her chest, but she didn't move closer. It was now time for the decision to be made, and it was up to him alone to make it. She had been perfectly clear about her feelings, choosing Harvey for 12 years. It was up to him to decide whether to follow his head or his heart.
.
But Harvey was a gambler. Always was, always will and old habits die hard.
So he put his brain on pause and closed the gap between them to kiss her and it felt like coming home after a 12-year trip abroad. He remembered her lips as if he had kissed her just that morning. Her breath against his lips was as warm as he recalled, and her hands around his face were as soft as in his dreams. It could have been awkward or clumsy, but it was the most natural kiss he had ever given and received. So natural that it overwhelmed him with emotions, and a single tear rolled down his cheek, stopped in its tracks by Donna's hand.
She finally broke the kiss to catch her breath but didn't pull away. She rested her forehead against his for a moment before looking at him.
"I see you, Harvey," she whispered, rubbing the tip of her nose against his. My God, it was so much more powerful than a simple "I love you."
"I know."
They kissed again, and it was less chaste now, more urgent. They didn't just want each other. They needed each other, like they needed to breathe. They kissed, and it was as if all the planets had finally aligned. Their hands were all over each other's bodies, needing to touch, to feel, to make sure it was all real.
Donna pushed his suit jacket back and started tugging at his tie, partly to remove it and partly to ensure he wouldn't flee and stayed in place. But he had no intention of going anywhere unless it was where she was. He slid his hands under her blouse and caressed her back, remembering it was an erogenous zone for her. And it still was, judging by how she pressed even closer to his body, moaning when his fingers brushed her skin. She opened her mouth to sigh in pleasure, and Harvey took the opportunity to deepen their kiss, sliding his tongue inside to meet hers while she focused on opening his pants. She could already feel his excitement just by being pressed against him and his frantic movements. He let her continue, enjoying her attention on him while he kissed the hollow of her neck, his hands trailing down the curve of her ass. Besides being able to kiss and nibble on her neck, he had the privilege of doing it surrounded by her scent: a floral, slightly vanilla aroma. A scent that was feminine, soft, and unique, just like Donna. This must be nirvana, being able to lose himself in the touch of the woman he loved.
"Harvey..." sighed Donna, bringing him back to reality. "Bedroom?"
He nodded into her neck but made no move to shift, which made Donna smile. She began to step back, and he followed blindly, completely absorbed in his mission to devour every inch of her body.
He wasn't quite sure how they made it to the bedroom without stumbling, but Donna's legs finally hit the bed, and she leaned back, bringing Harvey with her. He hurriedly pulled off her tank top and was delighted to find she wasn't wearing a bra. He removed his shirt as well and lay down on top of her, starting to lick one of her nipples. Harvey remembered how sensitive her breasts were and that she didn't enjoy rough touches or bites there.
.
"You really remember how sensitive this area is, don't you?" Donna asked, feeling Harvey's delicate touch. Even his hand on her other breast was gentle.
"I remember everything, Donna," he murmured before switching to her other breast.
The young woman moaned and grabbed his hair, urging him to continue, letting him know he was doing well. But as good as it was, they both needed much more.
"Harvey... we'll have all our lives for you to eat every inch of my body... But right now, I need to feel you," she said, pulling his hair to make him lift his head and meet her gaze. "Now, Harvey," she ordered.
The lawyer nodded and sat up to rid Donna of her pajama bottoms before finishing undressing himself while the redhead openly ogled him.
"Hello, old friend," she said playfully, seeing Harvey's erection.
He lay back down and kissed her deeply. "Hey, I told you I- Oh my God!" she exclaimed, feeling two of Harvey's fingers enter her.
"I know what you told me," he whispered close to her ear. "And I also remember that you and your very tight pussy need to be prepared. So it'll be my fingers before my cock, is that clear?"
Donna didn't respond but closed her eyes at the sensation of Harvey's fingers moving in and out until he suddenly stopped.
"Harveyyy," she complained.
"I asked you a question, Donna. Is that clear or not?" he said again, looking into her eyes.
"Very clear," she nodded, her gaze pleading for him to move again.
He resumed his movements and began to play with her clitoris. "Good girl."
.
He wasn't sure if her moans were due to his praise or his thumb brushing her clit, but he'd dreamed of that sound so many times that it didn't matter as long as she kept moaning.
When he judged she was ready, he knelt in front of her and positioned his aching erection at her entrance, slowly entering her inch by inch. Once fully inside, he paused, waiting for Donna's signal to continue.
When she still had her eyes closed after a minute, he asked, "Are you okay?"
She smiled blissfully. "I've never been better in my life." And he realized he had prepared her enough to move right away, but Donna was simply enjoying the moment of finally having their bodies joined.
Harvey began to move, slowly at first. He wanted to be sure he wasn't dreaming. He was making love to Donna, and it was real. She was there, in front of his eyes, and he couldn't even remember the last time he had sex with a woman while keeping his eyes open. He now had the luxury of caressing her shapely legs, watching her chest rise as her breathing became more frantic, feeling her back arch urging him to go faster. He moved his hands up to her thighs before gripping her hips firmly to gain leverage and quicken his pace.
She wrapped her legs around his back and lifted her hips to ensure he had a good grip on her.
"Harvey-" she gasped, biting her lip.
"I want to hear you, don't bite your lip," he said, squeezing her hips even tighter. There would certainly be marks on her skin tomorrow, and the image of Donna with hips marked by his hands made him want to hold her even harder.
"Yes, just like that, I- " He could see from her expression that it was as intense for her as it was for him. She had been waiting for this as much as he had, and as much as he would have loved to make it last longer, he knew the years of frustration would get the better of him.
He began to stimulate her clit, and her response was immediate. "Harvey, I can't-"
"I've got you, it's okay, let it go baby."
He saw her eyes roll back, felt her thighs begin to tremble, and that was the final signal he needed to let himself go, groaning in release. All while having the chance to look Donna in the eyes. No need to imagine it this time.
He collapsed on top of her, kissing her passionately, and felt her simply surrender as she was still recovering from her orgasm. Harvey thought at that moment that he could never get tired of this relaxed post-orgasm face she had. She was perfect, and she was finally his.
.
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Sooooo it was my first smut scene ever so I obviously want to know your thoughts about the whole chapter, but please let me know if that part was okay for you ! Was it okay ? Not too robotic writing ? Can you picture the scene ?
Thanks for all your comments anyway !