Rachel and Mike were, from an outside perspective, the perfect couple. There was a lot of love and complicity between them, mutual trust, and few arguments. Yet, on that particular evening, Mike felt his girlfriend's mind elsewhere. She had insisted that everything was fine, that she had just had a rough day, but Mike knew her better than that. Something was bothering Rachel, and he was determined to find out what it was.
"Forget it, Mike, I'm telling you I'm fine," Rachel sighed, rubbing her temples. She felt a headache coming on.
"And I'm telling you I know you, something's bothering you. Is it about that case I said I didn't have time to help you with?" Mike tried, his eyes searching hers for any clue.
"No, it's not about that," Rachel replied, her voice tight, trying to mask the turmoil inside her.
"Ah!" Mike exclaimed triumphantly. "So there is something. Rachel, talk to me."
"I said, forget it," she repeated. She was tired of pushing Mike away, but he kept pushing back, relentless in his concern.
"You know I'm the most stubborn of the two of us, and I'm not going to let it go. Just tell me, I'm sure I can help," Mike begged.
"This afternoon, I... I caught Harvey. He was taking a nap in his office," Rachel confessed, defeated. Her shoulders slumped as she uttered the words, feeling the weight of the secret lift slightly.
"Never mind the promise," she thought.
"What did you just say ?!" Mike looked at her incredulously, as if Rachel had two heads.
"He fell asleep at his desk," Rachel repeated, barely above a whisper.
She realized that Mike needed to hear the information again to absorb it. She still found it hard to believe herself, even though she had witnessed the scene.
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Mike was certainly worried about his friend, but he had the feeling that his fiancée wasn't telling him everything. The furrow in his brow deepened as he tried to piece together the puzzle.
"What's going on between you two ?" Mike squinted, suspicion lacing his words. He felt there was something more, something he wasn't seeing.
"I beg your pardon ?!" Rachel's eyes flashed with anger, clearly not liking his insinuation.
"I mean, we're all worried, of course, but you and Harvey aren't close. You're barely friends, really. I don't understand the sudden interest you have in him." Mike shot back.
"Sudden interest ? Are you kidding me, Mike ?! And for your information, we are friends," Rachel retorted, her voice rising as she defended herself.
"No, you're not. You just have Donna and me in common, that's all. But in reality, outside of work, you hardly talked to each other until..." Mike trailed off, his eyes widening as he finally realized something.
Rachel closed her eyes in anticipation, knowing she couldn't hide what had happened anymore.
"Rachel, I'm going to ask you once, and I really hope you'll answer: What happened while I was in prison?" Mike asked, confused. He needed answers.
"Mike..." Rachel begged him with her eyes not to go any further, knowing that if he found out, Mike would feel even more guilty for leaving her and making a deal with Gibbs.
"Rachel, talk to me. Please, we've always told each other everything. What happened?" Mike's voice broke, his vulnerability laid bare.
"What happened is that you weren't there... that you only thought about was making your guilt go away by asking to be punished. That you thought about what would happen to you in that prison, but you didn't think about me being alone here."
Tears now streamed down Rachel's cheeks, her voice shaking with the weight of her emotions. Mike hugged her, trying to comfort her, but in vain. He had pushed to open the floodgates, and Rachel's tears couldn't stop flowing now. Her body trembled with each sob as she clung to him, the pain of their separation and the secrets they had kept tearing at both of them.
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Flashback
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After spending their evening and part of the night at the firm after receiving Louis's message, Harvey and Rachel stood outside under the dim streetlights, the cool night air wrapping around them as they waited for a cab.
"Rachel, I know I'm the last person you want to see, but if you need anything, call me. No matter what time it is, okay?" Harvey said, his voice gentle but firm. His eyes searched hers, trying to convey the sincerity he struggled to articulate.
"I will, thank you," Rachel murmured, nodding before getting into the cab.
She gave him a small, tired smile, the kind that doesn't reach the eyes, and closed the door, watching him through the window as the car pulled away.
Harvey returned to his condo and the solitude of the place undoubtedly contrasted with being with his family during this very special evening. He changed into comfortable clothes and poured himself a glass of scotch, hoping the alcohol might lull him into sleep. It was past 4 in the morning, but sleep seemed impossible. Mike was going to be in prison for the next two years, partly because of him, and he had refused to rat him out. Fuck. He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden ringing of his phone. Rachel was crying on the other end, her sobs punctuated by fragmented sentences about a nightmare and the onset of a panic attack.
He assured her he would be there as soon as possible. Harvey was only 20 minutes away from her apartment, but he made the trip in 10, adrenaline and concern propelling him. He entered the apartment with a key Mike had given him and found Rachel on the couch, wearing one of Mike's oversized shirts and a pair of shorts. Her eyes were red and swollen, the remnants of tears still glistening on her cheeks.
"You really came," Rachel emphasized, not hiding her surprise.
"You called me, of course I came." Harvey headed to the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water, and sat across from her on the coffee table. He handed her the glass, his eyes never leaving hers.
"I can't do this, I won't make it without Mike," Rachel said, her voice breaking as fresh tears threatened to fall.
"Of course you will, Rachel. It will take time, and the first few days will be the hardest, but you'll get there." Harvey was trying his best to comfort her, though he knew he wasn't great with words. Damn, if it weren't 4 in the morning, he would have called Donna.
"Come on, let's get you back to bed. You'll see things more clearly in the morning with a few hours of sleep. I'll stay on the couch so you can finish your night."
He gently helped Rachel up and guided her to her bedroom, tucking her in like a child.
"You shouldn't do this, not after I told Mike it was all your fault," Rachel confessed.
"You're not wrong," Harvey replied softly.
"I told him to turn you in," Rachel admitted, feeling a bit ashamed.
"I know," Harvey said not a hint of resentment.
"You know ? And you're not mad at me ?" Rachel was taken aback. "What about loyalty ? Asking Mike to rat you out makes me..."
"Human ?" Harvey finished for her. "Look, Rachel, Mike is your fiancé. It's okay to want him to sacrifice the whole world if it means he can be free and with you. You wouldn't be the love of his life if you didn't ask him."
Rachel didn't respond but felt a weight lift from her chest, relieved that Harvey didn't hold her actions against her. Everyone knew how loyalty was an unwavering notion for him.
"I wanted to make a deal too, if that makes you feel any better. I wanted to turn myself in and ask Gibbs to leave Mike alone in exchange for my freedom and license," Harvey confessed, his voice tinged with vulnerability. "I went to Donna's, and... She begged me not to, to wait for the verdict and have faith in the jury."
"And you listened to her. Wow, you love her that much?" Rachel couldn't help but say it.
She thought she saw a nod from Harvey, but she knew he would deny it vehemently if she mentioned it.
"Enough feelings for tonight, Miss Zane, go back to sleep." Harvey smiled, deflecting her observation.
He got up from the bed, walked out of the room, and started to close the door.
"Wait," Rachel called from the bed. "Can you... Can you leave the door open?" Rachel asked hesitantly.
"Of course," Harvey replied, his voice softening as he left the door ajar, a silent promise that he was still there, watching over her.
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End of flashback
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Mike didn't say anything for a moment after Rachel's explanation. He was tormented by many feelings. Happy and relieved that someone was there for his fiancée when he couldn't be, surprised that it was Harvey, and of course, guilty for putting Rachel through this. He stared at the floor, his mind a whirlwind of emotions.
Rachel's voice broke through his thoughts. "I don't know why I called him. I could have spent the night at my parents', I could have called Donna. But I woke up in a panic in my bed after that nightmare of you in prison, and the first thing I thought was that Harvey told me to call him if I needed anything," she continued, her voice trembling slightly. She was unaware of the turmoil inside Mike's mind. "He stayed with me for at least 10 days, well, 10 nights until he was sure I didn't have any more nightmares. After that, he made me promise not to tell anyone what he had done."
"Why ?" Mike asked incredulously, his voice barely above a whisper. He looked up at her, his eyes searching hers for answers.
"Because that's Harvey. He cares about people, but he refuses to let the world know," Rachel explained, a small, sad smile playing on her lips. She admired Harvey's selflessness but wished he didn't feel the need to hide it.
Mike nodded at her explanations, still lost in his guilt. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm so sorry for putting you through this," he said, his voice thick with emotion.
He took the young woman in his arms, holding her close as if to shield her from all the pain he had caused. He tried to convey all his love and regret through the embrace, his heart aching with the weight of his mistakes.
"I have a very busy week, but I promise I'll go see Harvey this weekend to get him to talk. It's time to return the favor and do something for him," Mike said softly.
He kissed Rachel on the forehead, a tender gesture that spoke of his deep love for her. He hugged her even tighter, if that was possible, as if he could somehow make up for all the nights she had spent alone and scared.
Rachel leaned into his embrace, finding solace in his presence. "Thank you, Mike," she whispered, feeling a glimmer of hope for the first time in a long while.
She knew they had a long road ahead, but with Mike by her side, she felt ready to face whatever came next.
Harvey had another rough night. Well, that's what he concluded because everything was always so blurry in his mind. He was really starting to wonder if he had an underlying illness. If he had a regular job with regular hours, maybe he would go get a blood test, just in case. If he were really concerned, he would see a doctor rather than go to his weekly boxing session. But Harvey wasn't really concerned enough to skip a boxing session. It was the time of the week when he could let off steam, completely clear his head, which meant not thinking about Donna for two hours straight. No way he'd miss a session. During those two hours, he was focusing on nothing but his opponent and avoiding punches. However, lately, he had been avoiding them less and was something comforting about the pain. When he took a hit, his head registered it and his body felt it. It was the only time he knew his mind wasn't outside of his body. Pain had its benefits, it allowed him to know that this moment was real. Harvey felt like pain freed his mind from the anxiety and sadness he constantly felt lately.
That's how he found himself in the file room, sitting on the floor with his eyes closed, hitting the back of his head against a wall. Harvey didn't even remember what had triggered this need. All he knew was that with each hit, his brain focused on the pain and stopped thinking. The repetitive thud was grounding, a crude method to escape his spiraling thoughts.
Rachel arrived in the file room at that moment to retrieve a box for researching an old case. She heard the repetitive noise and weaved between the shelves in search of the source when she found her boss.
"Harvey, what are you doing? Stop that, you're gonna hurt yourself," exclaimed Rachel, her voice laced with concern as she saw that Harvey didn't seem to notice her presence.
"Pain is good. It lets you know what is real and what is not," Harvey explained calmly, still with his eyes closed and banging his head repeatedly against the wall.
Rachel processed her boss's words without responding, her heart sinking. What he had just told her left her completely speechless. She hurried out of the room, her pulse quickening. Passing by Mike's office, she grabbed him by the arm, her grip firm and urgent.
"Rachel, what's going on ?" Mike asked, following her hurried pace.
"Just follow me," Rachel ordered, her tone brooking no argument.
They arrived at their COO's office, bursting in without knocking. Donna looked up, startled by their abrupt entrance. Rachel's face was pale, her eyes wide with anxiety, while Mike looked as confused as the redhead was.
"What's going on ?" Donna asked, rising from her chair, her eyes darting between Rachel and Mike.
Rachel took a moment to close the office door, ensuring they had privacy. She took a deep breath before explaining, her voice trembling. "It's Harvey. I found him in the archive room, hitting his head against the wall. He said... he said pain is the only way he knows what's real."
Donna's face paled at Rachel's words. "He what ?" she whispered, horror evident in her voice.
"I didn't know what to do," Rachel continued, her voice cracking. "I've never seen him like this. He didn't even realize I was there."
.
Mike felt a surge of guilt. He had been so wrapped up in his own problems that he hadn't noticed how deeply Harvey was struggling. "We need to talk to him," he said, his voice firm. "We can't let him go on like this."
Donna nodded, her expression resolute. "I'll go."
.
She found Harvey in the same position Rachel had described, the sight of her friend in this state turning her stomach. She approached him as one would approach a wounded animal: gently, without sudden movements, and somewhat hesitantly. Donna gently stroked his hand to signify her presence. Harvey opened his eyes at the touch, seeming surprised that someone was so close as if he hadn't heard anything. Their eyes met, and Donna didn't need much more to understand that Harvey had reached the point of no return. His dark circles were even more pronounced than usual, and his gaze was filled with unshed tears. She knew he would never allow them to flow, not at work.
"Harvey, what's going on ?" Donna whispered, her voice trembling with concern.
"I don't know," Harvey confessed, his voice barely audible. But Donna didn't understand the hidden meaning of his words and pushed a little harder.
"Harvey, please, talk to me," she urged, her eyes searching his for any hint of what he was going through.
"No, you don't understand, Donna. I don't know, I don't remember. I keep forgetting things, and it's been going on for weeks. I don't know," Harvey explained for the first time, his voice laced with frustration and fear.
"Are you kidding me ?" Donna was shocked by his revelation, and especially by the fact that he didn't seem more concerned about it. "How long, Harvey ? You should have told me. You've never had memory loss, it can't be good. You need to see a doctor, get tests done, it's important. We have to figure out what's wrong."
"I know," Harvey capitulated, his shoulders slumping. The idea of going through various medical appointments already appeared to exhaust him. "Just, don't tell Paula, please. I don't want to worry her for no reason."
Donna nodded, telling herself that it wasn't up to her to tell Paula anything, and besides, she didn't want to have any contact with that woman. "I'm worried about you, Harvey," Donna confessed, softly.
"Really ?" Harvey seemed surprised and looked at Donna for the first time. "Because I feel like I've been out of touch with reality for weeks, but you haven't said anything." It wasn't a reproach, Donna knew. He wasn't thinking clearly anymore.
"I tried, everyone tried. Me, Mike, even Rachel, but you pushed everyone away, insisting that you were fine when clearly you're not."
"I know. I'm sorry, I'm not sure where I stand anymore," he explained hesitantly, his voice tinged with confusion.
"It's okay, Harvey, it'll be okay. I'll make some calls to different doctors and let you know how it goes."
.
"Don't do that, Donna. You don't have to deal with this, you're not my secretary anymore," Harvey begged, though deep down, he hoped Donna would still do it anyway.
"It's not the secretary who does it, it's your friend," Donna smiled. It was supposed to comfort him, but hearing that Donna is and would always just be a friend made him feel even worse.
"Is it okay if we hug ?" Donna teased as she helped him up.
"Always," Harvey smiled softly.
She wrapped her arms around him, and he released a breath he didn't realize he was holding, his shoulders sagging at Donna's touch as if he was finally where he belonged. He held her tight as if this hug was the only thing he needed, the only thing keeping him grounded in reality. Now that he was in her arms, he didn't need to hurt himself to stay anchored. He stifled a sob but didn't cry. Certainly not here in the middle of the file room. The managing partner doesn't cry at the office; he's not a damn intern.
.
His behavior overwhelmed Donna even if she didn't show it. She stroked his hair in a soothing gesture, not really sure whom she wanted to comfort more: him or herself. She made a promise to herself to push even if he pushed back because he couldn't stay in this state. It couldn't just be about a few memory losses; she knew that. Something else was going on.
"I've got you, Harvey, we'll figure out what's wrong," Donna reassured him.
"I'm tired, so tired," Harvey breathed into her neck.
"Tired of what?" Donna asked, her heart breaking at his admission.
"Of living," Harvey dropped the bomb, not fully realizing the weight of his words.
Donna froze at his words because she started to slowly understand that his physical state might not be the biggest problem. She moved away from him just enough to look at him, but kept her hands around his face, gently stroking his hair and the back of his neck.
"Harvey," she said cautiously, "what are you trying to tell me?"
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He looked at her, surprised that she seemed so upset. He didn't understand what he could have said that would be so upsetting, so he mentally backtracked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy trying to understand what's being asked of him. If the situation weren't so tense, Donna would find him adorable.
"I'm tired of living." It sounded a lot worse than it actually was, so he tried to explain, even though he'd never verbalized the feeling before.
"No, wait, I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything," he defended himself, shaking his head to emphasize his point. "Sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that, I don't want to die." He added, "I promise, I don't," because she didn't seem convinced. "It's just..."
He didn't know how to say it. Well, he did, but he'd never said it out loud, not even in therapy. And once he said it, everything would become real, he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore, there would be no turning back.
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Donna understood his hesitation to share his feelings, she always understood everything, so she pushed him a little. "Just what?"
.
"Sometimes..." He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, almost ashamed of what he was about to say. Summoning his courage, he whispered, "Sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all."
.
Donna absorbed his words because now wasn't the time to fall apart. She kept up a good front, maintaining her poker face as best she could, hoping she was doing a good enough job that Harvey wouldn't notice her internal panic. But maybe it was even worse than being suicidal because he'd accepted the fact that he didn't belong in the world, that he wasn't happy, not enough for anyone, and he was just dealing with it. Far too tired to try to change anything about it.
"Harvey, look at me."
.
He immediately raised his eyes to hers, at her request, because he always listened to her. No matter what they were going through, the arguments they might have, she'd always be his compass, his lifeline, the person he trusted the most. He'd probably throw himself off a bridge if she asked him to, and he wouldn't even try to figure out why, he'd just trust her.
"I don't know what's happening right now, whether it's your physical or mental health. But what I do know is that we'll find a solution, and no matter how long it takes, I'll be by your side." And that's all he needed to hear right now to put some color back to his face.
She explained that he needed to go home, that he couldn't work like that, and for once, he didn't argue. He felt drained from this conversation and just wanted to sleep.
"I'll let your secretary know to reschedule your appointments for the day, and I'll make some calls to see a doctor as soon as possible," Donna clarified as they headed toward the elevator arm in arm. She pressed the call button, making him promise to call her if anything happened.
"This is exactly why I wanted to keep you out of my problems. Now you're just going to worry, I know you."
"Oh no, you've got it all wrong, Harvey. I was already worried. Now that I know what's going on, I just need to come up with a plan to clarify things and get you back on your feet," teased the redhead.
"I'll spend the afternoon sleeping, and I'll probably spend the evening with Paula, so I will be fine." Harvey tried to reassure her, but Donna could see through him. He wasn't fine, and he wouldn't be for a while.
.
She kept a confident smile until the elevator doors closed, and tears started to well up in her eyes as soon as Harvey disappeared. She walked briskly toward the restroom, trying not to collapse in the hallway in front of half the firm. Mike and Rachel, still in her office, saw her pass by and followed her. They found her in the bathroom, vomiting in a stall and crying at the same time. Rachel stroked her back in a soothing gesture, showing her that there were no intruders and that the only people there were her friends. Rachel gently asked Mike to lock the door for some privacy. Once Donna finished emptying her lunch in the toilet, Rachel handed her some tissues, which she took between sobs. The redhead then got up and headed to the sinks to freshen up but couldn't stop crying.
"Donna, what's going on ? You're scaring us," Rachel asked with concern.
The COO took a few more minutes to come to her senses, her sobs subsiding into silent tears. Finally, she looked at the couple through the mirror, her reflection a portrait of anguish.
"Harvey. It's much worse than we imagined," Donna managed to say, her voice barely above a whisper.
"What do you mean ?" Mike asked cautiously. Donna wasn't the type to fall apart, and seeing her in this state was starting to make the young man panic.
Donna recounted the whole exchange to them, and as she spoke, the color drained from Rachel and Mike's faces. They listened in horrified silence, their hearts breaking with each word.
"It's not just the words he said, well, yes, of course, they matter, but... You didn't see his face, Mike," Donna sighed, exhausted by these revelations. "He was completely defeated, ready to give up. That's not the Harvey I know. He's never been like this, even when his father died or when Marcus relapsed, he wasn't this messed up. And I wonder..." Donna let the end of her sentence hang in the air, frightened by the thoughts swirling in her mind.
"What do you wonder ?" Mike prompted, his voice barely steady.
"Is he no longer the man I know, or did I never really know him, and this is who he truly is?" the redhead finally let out, her voice cracking under the weight of her fears.
The three friends remained speechless after that, each lost in their own thoughts, not knowing where to start to help Harvey because it was clear he wouldn't be able to bounce back on his own.
.
After a few minutes, Rachel was the first to speak. It was an advantage to be the least close to Harvey. She was worried, of course - she was even the one who raised the alarm - but it didn't affect her as deeply as it did her fiancé and her best friend.
"Okay, here's what we're going to do," Rachel began, her voice steady with determination. "Mike, you take over Harvey's biggest clients, and I'll take the rest. Donna, you check with his secretary to cancel his upcoming appointments and reschedule them on my or Mike's schedule. You also call the hospital today to make the necessary appointments and use your usual magic to get one very quickly," Rachel added, her tone brooking no argument. "First, we take care of his physical symptoms, and then we'll see about his mental health. Because if he's in this state after complete therapy, clearly Paula didn't do her job properly, and it won't be easy to make Harvey understand that."
Mike nodded, his expression resolute. "We'll get through this, together. Harvey's done so much for all of us; it's our turn to help him."
Donna took a deep breath, steeling herself. "I'll do whatever it takes. He needs us now more than ever."
With their plan in place, the trio felt a renewed sense of purpose. They couldn't let Harvey down, not now. They would fight for him, just as he had always fought for them.