Author note- Thank you for the amazing reviews. They always make my day. Hope you enjoy the new chapter.
Song inspirations- Save Me- Jelly Roll (Sirius) , Strong For Somebody Else- Citizen Soldier(Harry)
Chapter 60
Fault
Harry gasped as his eyes flew open. His heart pounded as the nightmare faded. He blinked slowly into the dark of the room. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had such a vivid nightmare. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.
What was he supposed to do now? There was no chance of going back to sleep. His mind danced over the previous day. George had said that Sirius and Remus were talking about sending him away. His heart clenched.
He needed to do something. Show them that he could do something. Anything.
He rolled out of bed and stared at the open door. He wished he could close it. He'd like to get dressed, but that wasn't happening right now. With a sigh he walked out of the bedroom and into the hall. Sirius and Remus door was open a crack. He considered closing it so he wouldn't wake them.
He shook his head. It wasn't his place to decide if the door was open or not. He'd just need to be quiet.
He turned and sneered at the bathroom door. With a resigned sigh he pushed it open and walked in. Regardless of how he felt about it, he still needed to use the loo.
He pushed the door as closed as it would go before handling his business. He washed his hands and then rinsed the sweat from his face. His eyes darted away from the mirror, and he dried himself off. He wondered if George really would come today. He already longed for another shower. He shook his head. George had better things to do than be his guard. It was a stupid insecurity anyway. Unfortunately, not one he could just overcome.
He tried to shake off the feeling on his skin.
Walking past the kitchen, he knew that nothing in there was accessible to him. He froze when he heard a noise in the sitting room. squinting into the dark room, he could slightly make out a shape on the couch.
Harry walked slowly closer and bit his lip when he realized it was Sirius. The man was passed out on the couch. An empty bottle clutched to his chest.
Harry felt tears prick his eyes.
Sirius had stopped drinking. This was his fault.
Sirius face was mostly in shadow, but Harry could make out some detail. Mostly the deep lines on the man's face. It was pinched up like he was having a nightmare.
Sirius shivered and Harry realized just how cold it was in the house.
He stepped slowly forward and pulled the bottle from Sirius' hand. When he didn't respond, Harry set it quietly on the floor. Reaching across Sirius, Harry grabbed the blanket that was draped there and gently laid it over him.
Sirius mumbled a little in his sleep and clutched at the blanket.
Harry bit his lip. Sirius should be in bed. Happy and asleep. Not passed out on the couch. Harry's hand reached forward again, and he softly pushed the hair from Sirius face. Sirius leaned into the touch and smiled a little.
"I love you, Siri. I'm so sorry." Harry whispered around the growing lump in his throat.
He picked up the bottle from the floor and made his way to the kitchen. As quietly as he could he set the bottle in the trash.
He took slow deep breaths to help steady himself.
Realizing how thirsty he was he reached up and pulled the cabinet door open, in search of a glass. He blinked stupidly when it opened.
He glanced over his shoulder and realized Sirius was close enough to let the wards down.
Harry pulled a glass down and stared at it before turning the tap on and filling it. He drank his water and slowly moved around the kitchen checking doors. Nothing was locked.
He washed the glass and put it away before opening the door under the sink and taking out the cleaning supplies. He hated cleaning. He hated every minute of it. He'd hated it all of his life. However, something about it soothed him. Put his mind at ease. Perhaps it was just the years of doing it for the Dursley's. Years of knowing that everything had to be perfect, or he'd be punished. He didn't know. He did know that he hadn't done anything since coming here, and that they were going to send him away if he just kept sitting in his room.
Harry took a deep breath and organized his thoughts. This house wasn't as big as Snapes, and he had access to all of it except their bedroom. He hadn't been explicitly told that he wasn't allowed, but understood that bedrooms were private. Except for whatever bedroom he was occupying.
He grabbed a washcloth and got to work.
Remus woke in a haze. His nose wrinkled at the strange smell. Opening his eyes slowly, he reached out to Sirius' side of the bed only to find it cold and empty. His mind slowly began to process what he was smelling. It was cleaner. Sirius wasn't exactly the cleaning type, but perhaps he'd decided to do something useful.
He'd been a ball of anxiety and crushing depression since they'd brought Harry home. He knew Sirius needed a project. Something to keep him busy and out of his own mind.
With a sigh he climbed out of bed and walked across the hall to the bathroom. There was a master bath off of there room but, he frequently used the main bath as it was a little bigger. He glanced in the direction of Harry's room and when he didn't see him sitting on the floor, he assumed he must still be in bed.
Remus raised an eyebrow as he flipped the lights on in the bathroom. The room practically glowed compared to how it had looked yesterday.
When he reached the kitchen, a new smell hit him. Breakfast and tea were already on the table under stasis. Remus cocked his head in confusion and looked into the sitting room.
He noticed that someone was laying on the couch and slowly approached.
Remus grit his teeth as he realized it was Sirius. He was sound asleep, and Remus could smell the booze all over him. He'd clearly passed out drunk out here.
Remus closed his eyes and tried to calm his anger. He knew Sirius was struggling but this was unacceptable. Remus looked around the sitting room and saw that it had been meticulously cleaned. Clearly it hadn't been Sirius.
Remus turned and walked back down the hall to check on Harry. Sirius presence in the sitting room had released the wards. Harry had had access to nearly everything all night.
Remus breath caught in his throat when he saw Harry's bed made and empty. He turned around and stormed back into the sitting room looking around. Panic rising in his chest when it became obvious that Harry wasn't anywhere.
Remus walked to the door and pulled it open.
He felt like he could breathe again when he saw Harry sitting quietly on the top step. He had a book open in his lap and a cup of tea sitting next to him.
Remus pushed thoughts of yelling at Sirius to the back of his mind, and tried to slow his pounding heart.
When he felt calm. He stepped out onto the porch and walked to the stairs.
Harry didn't look up or acknowledge him at all. Remus had nearly gotten used to Harry's lack of response.
"Good morning." Remus said quietly.
"Morning." Harry said very softly.
Remus could have wept at hearing Harry's voice again.
Harry kept his head down and with the hood of his sweatshirt up, Remus couldn't see his face.
"Will you join me for breakfast?" Remus asked.
Harry's thumb rubbed at the edge of his book for a moment before he nodded. Remus watched as he marked the page and stood.
Remus' small shimmer of hope that Harry was improving felt snuffed out when he saw Harry's face. Not only was he back to looking like a miniature James, but Remus could tell from the blank look on his face that Harry was heavily occluding.
Harry was trying to hide under his mask again.
He bit his tongue to keep himself from saying anything. This wasn't good, but he tried to remind himself that Harry doing anything at this point showed signs of improvement.
"Come on." Remus said as he led them back into the house.
Sirius sat twiddling his thumbs on the couch. His knee bounced and he tried to think of something to do with himself. He'd woken to George flooing into the house. As promised, he'd stood guard in front of the bathroom while Harry showered.
Sirius had groggily gone to his room and gotten dressed and drank the hangover potion Remus had put on his nightstand.
He was thankful that there room had its own bath as he wasn't looking forward to queuing for it in the hall.
He'd eaten his breakfast in silence. Remus hadn't said a word to him, and he wasn't surprised. Clearly, he'd found him passed out drunk on the couch and was upset. He was upset with himself to be honest.
George had stayed with Harry for a while talking quietly in his room. Remus had said he needed to clear his head and had left for a walk.
George had left with a curt nod twenty minutes ago and now Sirius sat not knowing what to do.
He wanted to talk to Harry, but he was hesitant to do so without Remus here. He'd made so many mistakes when it came to Harry, and he didn't want to make another.
With a frustrated sigh he stood and headed down the hall.
Sirius smiled a little when he saw Harry. He was sitting on the floor again but this time he wasn't staring blankly out at the room.
Harry had a book in his lap and several more stacked up next to his knee. There were several sheets of parchment laid out on the floor in front of him.
Sirius just stood there watching him for a moment. He looked like James again and Sirius wasn't sure which was more painful. To look into Harry's face and know he'd let his best friend down by not taking care of his son. Or seeing himself in Harry and knowing that he'd let his own son down.
Sirius tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat.
He didn't know what to say to Harry. There were a million things he wanted to say. Apologies and promises. He had so many questions too. None of them felt right to ask.
He'd gone with a generic 'how are you?' For the last several days. It was a horrid question. Especially because it was so painfully obvious how Harry was, bloody miserable.
Sirius considered asking what he was working on. If he'd enjoyed his visit with George. Or even if he liked his new room.
All the questions felt stuck in his throat though. He couldn't bring himself to say anything.
He just stood, leaning against the door frame watching him.
To Sirius' surprise after a few minutes of standing there Harry closed his book and cleared his throat.
Sirius wondered if Harry might actually talk to him.
He didn't look up when he finally spoke.
"You're drinking again because of me, Aren't you?" Harry asked, barely above a whisper.
Sirius felt like all the air had left his lungs.
He blinked a few times as the crushing realization hit him. It hadn't been Remus that had taken the bottle away from him and tucked him in. It was Harry.
"No, Harry. No." Sirius said squatting down to Harry's level.
Harry bit his lip and twisted his hands. Sirius mind raced. He wished Remus was here.
Sirius sat down and leaned against the door frame and stared at Harry hoping he could come up with the right words.
"I've got a lot of demons Harry. I haven't handled them very well. That's on me alone though." Sirius said earnestly.
Harry glanced up at him with sad eyes.
"I think they drank because of me. They didn't want me. I ruined there lives. They loved Dudley. They're good parents to him. I messed up there perfect lives." Harry whispered softly.
Sirius clenched his teeth so tight he was surprised that none of them cracked.
They had been the ones to ruin Harry's life not the other way around. They'd had choices. Harry was just a kid.
He hadn't known that alcohol had been a factor in Harry's abusive childhood. It made Sirius just that much more angry at himself. He didn't want to be another disappointment in Harry's life. Another unreliable adult.
"They made there own choices Harry. Your not responsible for them." Sirius said.
Harry sighed and shrugged.
Sirius swallowed hard.
"What did you do with the bottle Harry?" Sirius asked cautiously.
They had the liquor cabinet warded for a reason.
Harry shrugged.
"It was empty. I threw it out." Harry answered.
Sirius sighed a little. He'd not realized he'd drank so much. He would check the trash and vanish the bottle. Remus didn't want Harry to have access to glass he could break either.
They sat quietly for a few minutes and Sirius tried to think of where to go with the conversation.
"Um…I never heard…Was Remus…Was he okay?" Harry asked softly as he fiddled with a piece of parchment.
Sirius brows creased in confusion.
"What do you mean?" Sirius asked.
"The potion. Did it work?" Harry asked.
Sirius smiled softly at Harry. He'd nearly forgotten about the moon in the wake of everything else that had happened.
"It went great. Just like you thought." Sirius said around the lump in his throat. It was so like Harry to change topic's when they started to upset him.
Harry was also the most thoughtful person. He wished Harry would let them worry about him like that.
"You have no idea what it means to us Harry. Truly." Sirius added.
The corner of Harry's mouth twitched in what was almost a ghost of a smile and Sirius smiled back.
"Although, he was one itchy pup for a while. Not sure what that was about." Sirius joked a little, hoping to lighten the mood a bit.
Harry bit his lip and looked down at the parchment on the floor. He shuffled a few things around. Before finding a blank sheet and grabbing his quill.
Sirius read as Harry wrote.
'itchy pup' ask Remus about side effects.
Sirius laughed a little and was happy to see a small smile grace Harry's face. It wasn't like the ones he was used to seeing from Harry, but it was more than they'd seen in a long time.
Sirius took a deep breath and tried to remind himself that this was only the beginning. There would be ups and downs, and just because he could get Harry to smile didn't mean that things were going to be okay now.
He looked around the room and was surprised by how clean it was.
"Did you do the cleaning?" Sirius asked.
Initially he'd thought Remus had cleaned the rest of the house to burn off his irritation but now he wasn't sure. He wouldn't have cleaned Harry's room. Remus had been very clear that even with the door open they needed to respect Harry's space. Ask to come in. Knock to announce themselves.
Harry nodded.
"Sorry I haven't done much around here. I…Er… I'll make sure I stay on top of it." Harry mumbled.
They didn't expect Harry to do anything around here. Especially right now.
"Don't worry about it. We've got it. You just…You just take care of yourself, okay?" Sirius said softly.
Harry shrugged again.
To Sirius' relief he heard the front door. He knew Remus must be back from his walk. Harry's eyes flicked to the clock on his desk and suddenly he was jumping up and collecting all of his papers.
"I need to go make lunch…I'm sorry. I didn't realize how late it was…I…um…" Harry mumbled as he scrambled to shove everything in his trunk.
Sirius stood and held his hands out a little.
"Harry." Sirius called.
Harry didn't pay him any mind.
"Harry." Sirius called a little louder.
Harry closed his trunk and spun around.
"How about I make lunch today. Okay? It's not a big deal." Sirius said, sending Harry a sad smile.
"It's okay…I like cooking. It's…." Harry trailed off with a shrug.
Sirius considered Harry for a moment. He seemed upset. More than he was when Sirius had come in. He couldn't help but make things worse apparently.
He nodded and Harry brushed past him and down the hall.
Sirius sighed and scrubbed his face with his hand. He needed to talk to Remus.
Remus was sitting on the couch staring at a book when Sirius made it down the hall. Harry was bustling around the kitchen and seemed distracted.
With a sigh Sirius cast a one-way silencing spell. He needed to apologize to Remus, and he didn't need Harry overhearing it. He walked over and sat down in the armchair. He focused on his hands for a moment.
"I'm sorry Remus." Sirius said looking up.
Remus didn't look over at him, but Sirius could see the tension in Remus' face.
"I put up a muffliato." Sirius mumbled.
Remus looked over to Sirius. His eyes were hard, and Sirius shrunk under the glare. Remus was even angry then he'd thought. Not that he didn't have every reason to be.
Remus closed his book and set it down harshly on the couch next to him.
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Remus hissed. His voice was low, and his expression was livid.
Sirius lowered his head.
"I don't know. I just…I couldn't sleep. I came out here and…." Sirius started.
"And you got wasted and passed out! Harry had full access not only to the kitchen but to leave. He was outside when I found him. He had cleaned the whole house and cooked breakfast before I got up. I just about had a heart attack when I realized he wasn't in his room. Do you understand!?" Remus yelled, his hands waving around.
Sirius swallowed thickly. He hadn't realized his presence had disabled so much of Remus' wards.
"Do you understand how close we were to loosing Harry! Do you!? You can't be that careless Sirius." Remus growled.
Sirius felt tears prick his eyes. He knew exactly how bad things had looked. They hadn't thought Harry was ever going to wake up.
"The bottle was gone by the time I came out. I'm guessing you didn't tuck yourself in. Where is it? Do you even know? Harry could have made another attempt this morning. He could have run away. He could have taken your bottle and gotten smashed right along with you. Do you have any idea what alcohol will do to his body in his current state?" Remus continued.
The tears fell from Sirius' eyes.
Remus sighed and rubbed his face.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." Remus said shaking his head.
Sirius shrugged. Remus almost never raised his voice. He was one of he calmest people that Sirius had ever met. It was one of his favorite things about Remus.
He knew he'd messed up and he knew that Remus' anger was coming from a place of fear and frustration.
"No, your right." Sirius said around the lump in his throat. He hated how sensitive he'd become.
Remus reached out and took Sirius hand and squeezed it.
"I am right. That doesn't mean I need to yell at you. I'm upset but that doesn't excuse my behavior. I really am sorry." Remus said with a sigh.
Sirius squeezed Remus hand back and nodded.
"We haven't really been ourselves this week. This is harder then I thought it was going to be." Sirius admitted sadly.
Remus nodded.
"Yeah, it's difficult. We'll get through it together though." Remus said.
Sirius nodded and cleared his throat and quickly wiped his face.
"I've um…I've been thinking about what you were saying about potions…I er…I think maybe that's probably a good idea. I know it won't fix everything but…" Sirius admitted with a shrug.
Remus gave him a small smile and nodded.
"Okay. We'll talk to Poppy tomorrow when she stops by." Remus said softly.
Sirius swallowed and nodded. He'd thought he could manage without them. Thought he'd be okay, but as each day passed he just felt worse. He knew that even with Remus' help he couldn't do this on his own. He needed Remus to be able to focus on Harry.
"Harry talked to me." Sirius said with a slight smile.
Remus smiled back.
"That's good. What did you talk about?" Remus asked softly.
Sirius sighed.
"I…um…He asked if I was drinking again because of him." Sirius admitted, shaking his head as he felt tears pricking his eyes again.
Remus sighed.
"I'm sorry." Remus said, rubbing his thumb across Sirius' hand.
Sirius shook his head. Remus didn't need to be sorry. This was his mess.
"He… um said he threw the empty bottle out. I was going to vanish it. I know you don't want glass out." Sirius said, turning to look back at the kitchen.
His heart stuttered a little when he realized Harry wasn't in the kitchen. There were plates on the table, but Harry was gone.
"Where'd he go?" Sirius said standing up.
"I don't know." Remus said standing as well.
They walked towards the kitchen and didn't see him. Sirius followed Remus down the hall. When they got to Harry's room Remus froze in the door.
Harry sat leaning against his bed with his face buried in his knees. He'd been making lunch when he realized that Remus and Sirius were fighting. He couldn't hear them, but he'd been able to see Remus' face. He'd never seen the man so mad. It was obvious he was yelling at Sirius. He'd pointed into the kitchen several times and he'd realized they were fighting about him.
He'd shakily finished lunch and cleaned up before going back to his room. They were going to send him away. Maybe it would be for the best.
Guilt rolled in his chest. He just didn't seem to be able to do anything right.
He startled slightly at a sound in his room. He looked up to see Sirius standing in his door looking sad and Remus kneeled in front of him.
His face heated in embarrassment, and he quickly wiped his face with his sleeve.
"I'm sorry." Harry mumbled, looking away from Remus.
"It's okay." Remus said softly.
Harry shook his head. He really wished everyone would stop saying that. Things were definitely not 'okay'.
"Your fighting because of me. I'm sorry." Harry mumbled. His bottom lip quivered slightly, and he tried not to start crying again.
"Please don't send me away." Harry whispered as a traitorous tear slipped down his face.
"Harry." Remus called softly.
Harry looked up and saw how sad Remus looked before he looked away.
Remus sighed. There was some shuffling and when he looked, he found Sirius and Remus both sitting on the floor in front of him.
"Harry, we are not fighting because of you. I promise. And we are not going to send you away." Remus said earnestly.
Harry looked away. He knew George wasn't lying yesterday. He knew they were thinking of sending him away.
"George told me you were talking about it." Harry said roughly.
Remus sighed again.
"Madam Pomfrey is concerned about how you've been doing. We all have been. We wouldn't send you away though pup. I promise. If we need to do something different, then we'll be right there with you. All right?" Remus said.
Harry swallowed thickly and nodded. He wasn't sure he believed that. No one ever wanted him. He'd certainly given them enough reason to turn him away. He wanted to believe them though. Wanted to believe that they wouldn't do that.
"I'm sorry that you saw us fighting. We didn't mean to upset you." Remus said earnestly.
Harry shrugged. It was very strange to hear someone apologize for their own behavior. It had been so foreign before this summer, and it still felt unnatural. Everything had always been his fault.
"I was very afraid when I woke up this morning. Sirius presence in the sitting room allowed a lot of the safety wards to be down that shouldn't have been. I let that fear turn into anger and I shouldn't have." Remus explained.
Harry bit his lip and looked over and met Sirius eye.
"I'm sorry." Harry whispered.
Sirius gave him a sad smile and shook his head.
"It's not your fault, pup." Sirius said earnestly.
It felt like his fault.
"I just wanted to show you I could earn my keep. I didn't want to be sent away." Harry admitted looking back down at his knees.
"You don't need to earn your keep, Harry. We are keeping you forever, weather you do anything around here or not. If you want to cook or clean or garden you can. But right now, we want you to focus on what you need and want. All right?" Remus said, catching Harry's gaze.
Harry bit his lip and shrugged. He really didn't know how to do that.
"I saw some of your drawings. There really good. I could see how much emotion you poured into them. That might be something you could use to help work out how your feeling." Remus said softly.
Harry blushed heavily. He knew they'd been through his things. The cloak and map were gone. He was sure he'd never get them back. They probably hated that he'd had them in the first place. It felt gutting to know that he'd lost the little bit that he'd had of his dad. He'd been relieved to find that they'd left his photo album.
"Writing is good for that too. We have Hedwig here. You can't send letters with her but if you'd like to write to your friends we can pass along messages." Remus told him.
Harry felt his heart pound at knowing that Hedwig was here. He'd missed her so much. He'd been worried he'd never see her again after the way he'd sent her away.
"She's really here?" Harry asked a little brokenly.
Remus smiled a little and nodded.
Suddenly he remembered she wasn't his only pet. Anxiety creeped into his stomach. Snape had said he wouldn't keep Edgar if he left. Harry knew the little kitten wasn't in the house. He would have seen him.
"Did… did Snape get rid of Edgar?" Harry asked, his voice shaking a little.
Remus shook his head quickly.
"No, Severus has been taking care of him. He's fine. When your ready for him we can get him." Remus reassured.
Harry felt tears filling his eyes again and nodded. He missed Edgar.
Remus smiled softly.
"We'll call in a little and see if Severus will bring him." Remus offered.
Harry's stomach clenched at the idea of seeing Snape. The man had saved his life again. He wasn't sure he could face him. Not right now anyway. Snape had been kind to him this summer and he'd repaid the man my bleeding all over his floor. He was sure Snape wouldn't want anything to do with him after this.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked quietly.
Harry shook his head.
"You don't have to see him, if you don't want to." Sirius said.
Harry glanced at him for a moment and shook his head before burying his head in his knees. This was becoming to much. He knew he looked childish, but he couldn't take more right now.
Harry flinched at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder.
"Shhh…It's okay. I'm going to go see if I can get your kitten. Do you want some water?" Remus asked softly as he rubbed Harry's shoulder.
Harry shook his head.
"All right. Do you want to lay down for a little?" Remus asked.
Harry considered for a moment. He felt strange about laying down in the middle of the day, but he was so tired. He'd not been sleeping well, and a rest sounded nice.
Harry nodded.
"Why don't you get yourself settled." Remus said with a gentle squeeze of his shoulder before the hand was gone.
Harry listened as they left the room.
"Shit." Severus cursed as his potion began to boil over. He waved his wand and vanished the mess.
He'd been distracted thinking about Harry. His conversation with Remus and Sirius yesterday had honestly gone about as expected. However, he'd hoped for better news. He knew how Harry could get when he was withdrawn. Though he was sure that this was more exaggerated then what he had seen.
He groaned when he heard a knock at the door. Draco had been practically glued to his side since Harry had been released from the hospital. He didn't mind spending time with him, and he was sure that Harry's near death had been traumatizing for the boy. Unfortunately, Draco didn't seem inclined to discuss it. Or anything for that matter.
He quietly situated himself in whatever room Severus found himself in and then quietly read or work on schoolwork.
He'd tried to engage the boy in conversation, but he didn't seem inclined to talk.
Severus had finally decided he needed some time on his own, and had told Draco he'd be brewing for the afternoon.
He walked up the stairs and found Draco standing in the Kitchen.
"What is it Draco?" Severus asked.
"Floo call. It's Lupin." Draco answered, before turning and walking away.
Severus sighed; Draco looked exhausted. He'd hoped to spend more time with the boy once Harry had left. His exit from the house had been more dramatic than expected though. Perhaps they just needed to get out of the house for a while.
Severus sighed as he walked to the sitting room. He wondered what Remus needed. He hoped nothing else had happened. He wasn't sure he could handle much more this summer.
Severus kneeled in front of the fire.
Remus looked stressed but not more then he had seemed yesterday.
"What can I do for you?" Severus asked.
Remus cleared his throat.
"We'd like to bring Edgar here." Remus answered.
Severus quirked and eyebrow. Perhaps there had been improvement.
"Of course. I'll gather his things and bring him through in just a minute." Severus answered.
Remus' face pinched a little.
"Would it be alright if I came through and collected him?" Remus asked.
Severus frowned slightly. He'd hoped he might see Harry but reluctantly nodded.
"Of course. Come on through." Severus said standing and closing the connection.
Severus went about collecting the cats' things and letting Draco say goodbye to the kitten. The boy seemed fond of the little furball, and Severus grudgingly admitted he would miss him.
When he returned to the sitting room Remus was standing in front of the floo. The man looked as rough as he had the day before.
"Here." Severus said holding out the small box he'd shrunk the cats' things into.
Remus nodded and took the box before placing it in his pocket.
Severus stroked Edgar's back as he cradled the cat to his chest.
There was an awkward pause before Severus held out the cat to Remus.
"How's Harry doing today?" Severus asked quietly.
Remus sighed as he settled Edgar in his arms.
"We've had a difficult day. He ate a little more and George convinced him to sleep in his bed. However, I woke up to a spotless house and he just had a pretty upsetting breakdown." Remus answered quietly.
Severus swallowed hard before he nodded.
"He doesn't want to see me. It's why you came to get the cat." Severus said.
Remus sighed again and nodded.
"He got rather agitated when I said I could have you bring him. He was under the impression that you might have gotten rid of Edgar. I'm not sure what else is going on." Remus sighed.
"I'm sorry Severus. I know you care for him. I may not have believed it before this summer, but you've done a lot for him." Remus said softly.
Severus pulled up his occlumency barriers and nodded. He'd not get emotional in front of the man.
He felt selfish for his desire to see Harry. To talk to him and help him. It was clear that wasn't what Harry wanted.
"The cat like's fish. Though it does not agree with him." Severus said flatly, trying to move away from the topic of Harry.
Remus gave him a sad smile and nodded.
"Okay." Remus said quietly, before he took a pinch of floo powder and was gone a moment later.
Severus grit his teeth and tried to take some deep breaths. The rejection from the boy was nearly as painful as Lily's had been.
Severus shook his head. He needed to get out of this house.
With his mind made up he headed up the stairs to collect Draco. They needed to get out of there own heads and this house for a while.
Remus set up the cat's food and water near the kitchen before quietly walking to Harry's room.
He smiled sadly at the sight that met him.
Harry was sound asleep and wrapped tightly in his blankets. On the floor next to the bed was Padfoot.
Remus walked softly to the end of the bed and deposited the cat, who meowed before situating himself on Harry's pillow.
Remus lowered his hand and gently pet Padfoot. His eyes opened and his ears lowered before Remus heard a soft whine.
"Come on." Remus whispered before leading them out of Harry's room and into their own.
Sirius popped back to human form though his expression was still that of a kicked puppy.
Remus softly closed the door and took Sirius hand and leading him to the bed.
They both lay down and held one another close.
"I'm sorry for yelling." Remus murmured.
Sirius nodded.
"Sorry for drinking…and for the mess of everything this morning." Sirius whispered back.
Remus nodded and pressed his forehead to Sirius.
"We're going to make it through this." Remus said softly, before pressing a gentle kiss to Sirius' lips.
Sirius kissed back slowly.
Remus' brows pinched together as he woke. He was pressed warmly to Sirius' bare chest. A gentle hum of contentment rumbled in his throat as he felt Sirius' body tangled with his, the crumpled sheets laying low over his waist.
He wondered what had woken him when he heard a tentative knock at the door. Suddenly full consciousness slammed into him as he remembered that Harry was now living with them.
Remus peeled himself away from Sirius and rolled out of bed.
"Shit." Remus hissed as he dug through the pile of clothing on the floor looking for his own.
"What's wrong?" Sirius mumbled.
Remus didn't respond as he pulled his trousers and pants up his legs as one mass of cloth.
"Harry's knocking on the door. I didn't mean to fall asleep." Remus muttered.
Sirius groaned and threw his arm over his head. When Remus had the button done on his pants, he threw the sheet over Sirius and walked quickly to the door.
When he threw it open, he was met with the top of Harry's head. He was holding onto the door frame and looking at the ground.
"Harry? Are you okay?" Remus asked in worry.
Harry looked up as he realized the door had finally opened.
Harry's eyes flicked over Remus' bare chest and past his shoulder to Sirius laying in bed. Harry's face bloomed into a dark red blush, before all the color seemed to leave his face entirely.
"I need my inhaler." Harry said softly, looking anywhere but at Remus or into the bedroom.
Remus blushed as well. He'd not expected to find himself in this situation.
Remus reached onto the dresser and grabbed Harry's inhaler before handing it to him.
"Are…Um are you alright?" Remus asked.
Harry didn't look at him. He only nodded before heading down the hall to the sitting room.
Remus sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"We'll be out in a minute." Remus called before closing the door.
He leaned his back to the cool wood and stared at Sirius who looked like he was about to burst into laughter.
"It's not funny Siri." Remus growled, as he made his way back to the side of the bed and collected his shirt from the floor.
"It's a little funny. I don't know why you're acting so awkward. He knows were together." Sirius said as he lazily stretched.
Remus jaw clenched as he collected Sirius clothing and tossed them across the bed.
"Do you not remember the conversation we had in the hospital wing with Harry? Do you remember reading over the diagnostic or me telling you what Severus said? Sex isn't a comfortable topic for Harry. Not to mention no kid wants to be faced with the obvious signs his parents were just in bed together." Remus spat, as he buttoned his shirt and tried to get his ruffled hair back in place.
"Shit." Sirius said under his breath.
"Sorry. Your right, I didn't think about it like that." Sirius mumbled.
"Harry isn't James, Sirius. This isn't like him walking in on us in the dorm. This could actually be a problem." Remus chastised as he walked to the door.
"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed. I wasn't laughing at Harry. I was laughing at you. What did he need?" Sirius asked as he walked over to join Remus.
"His inhaler. We need to go check on him. Do Not bring this up unless he does first. Do you hear me?" Remus asked, his tone serious.
With a quick nod from Sirius, they left their bedroom. More or less put back together.
Harry sat on the floor in the sitting room. It was late. He'd woken up very wheezy and after realizing he wasn't getting better; he'd finally gone to search for Remus.
He understood why they were keeping his other potions but was frustrated to have to go ask for his inhaler. He'd been carrying it in his pocket since he'd gotten it. The pills had been working somewhat but he still needed his inhaler most days. Although he hadn't asked for it since coming here.
He didn't want to look weaker than he already was.
He'd knocked on the door three times before Remus had finally opened the door. He'd almost given up but knew that his breathing was getting to bad to ignore it.
It had been unsettling to be confronted with a half-dressed Remus. His mind had sort of frozen. When he'd caught sight of Sirius in bed and obviously naked, he'd wished the floor would just swallowed him whole.
He hadn't heard anything, but it was rather obvious what was going on. He hoped he hadn't interrupted them.
Harry shook his head. He didn't want to even think about it.
He felt his face heat even more. His stomach giving an unpleasant lurch. He knew they were together. He'd told Sirius that he was happy for them. And it was true. It wasn't them that made him feel sick. Just the whole concept of sex made him feel dirty.
He wished he could go take a shower.
He sighed. He'd have to wait until tomorrow. George said he could come back tonight so he could change into pajamas but Harry didn't want to be a burden.
Harry winced as a sharp pain brought his focus to his arm. He grimaced as he realized he'd been scratching himself.
"Fuck." Harry said softly, as he pulled down his sleeve too cover the red marks. There were also small spots of blood where he'd pressed too hard.
He felt like such a child when he did that. He grasped the sleeves of his shirt and hoped that Sirius and Remus didn't notice.
He wished he was wearing a darker shirt. The light blue wouldn't hide the blood if it soaked through. He knew they'd freak out if they saw what he'd done.
He closed his eyes and took deep breaths to steady himself as he heard the bedroom door open. He could hear them walking closer and wished that he'd just gone to his room.
"How's your breathing kid?" Sirius asked as he came over and sat on the couch.
Harry opened his eyes and nodded.
"I'm fine now." Harry said, not looking up at either of them.
Remus took a seat in his armchair and Harry's eyes briefly flicked up and confirmed he'd gotten dressed.
They sat in an awkward silence for a few long minutes.
"Er…um… Do you want me to make dinner?" Harry finally asked.
"No. We didn't talk today. How about you and I talk for a bit while Sirius takes care of dinner." Remus answered.
Harry sighed. He didn't know what to say to Remus. He knew the man had been more than patient with him. Remus was a mind healer and Harry knew that's why they were supposed to be talking. He didn't want to talk about everything though. He'd done enough talking. He'd talked to Snape.
Harry sighed. He wished he hadn't messed things up so badly. Snape certainly hated him more now than he had at the beginning of the summer.
Harry gave a resigned nod.
He felt the couch behind him jostle a little and the sound of Sirius walking to the kitchen.
He waited quietly for Remus to start asking questions. He always tried to go for casual and Harry didn't understand why he didn't just ask what he wanted to know. It was like he was trying to get him to lower his guard. Which Harry wished he could point out wasn't going to work by asking questions about the weather.
"Why don't we take this out on the porch." Remus said softly.
Harry sighed and nodded before he stood.
Being outside yesterday had actually been nice.
Harry stood against the banister looking out at the forest beyond the clearing. The sun had set, but there was still a slight glow in the sky.
He could smell the wildflowers. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the smells. He realized he could smell lavender. There must be a patch close to the house. He remembered having a hard time breathing when Petunia would have him trim the patch in the back yard.
He supposed that was why his breathing had gotten worse here. They were clearly in full bloom. He considered mentioning it to Remus but quickly dismissed it. His allergies weren't their concern.
"Was Edgar still in your room when you woke up?" Remus asked.
Harry smiled a little and nodded.
It had been nice to find him snuggled up with him when he'd woken up.
His mind quickly replayed the next few moments. Feeling like he couldn't breathe and knocking on their door.
His stomach clenched. He should apologize. He hadn't meant to bother them.
"Er…sorry… for um…. disturbing you guys." Harry mumbled.
He could hear Remus sighing somewhere behind him.
Harry let his eyes wander over and he saw Remus sitting in one of the chairs near the door. He looked tired. The guilt swooped in his stomach again and he looked away again.
"We're always available Harry. I'm sorry if we made you uncomfortable." Remus said.
Harry ducked his head again. He hadn't realized how transparent he'd apparently been.
Harry shrugged.
"It's fine." Harry muttered.
"No, it's not. This is your home too, now. We want you to feel at home. I know there are a lot of restrictions on you right now and I know that's uncomfortable. Sirius and I don't need to be making that worse." Remus responded.
Harry just shook his head and kept looking out at the forest. He didn't want to talk about it.
"We talked to George last night for a little." Remus said, after the silence had begun to stretch out.
Harry groaned. He figured they'd talked but hoped they hadn't.
"I'd like us to discuss a few things." Remus said.
Harry nodded before turning around and sitting on the ground, with his back leaning against the post next to the stairs. He didn't look at Remus. He still didn't feel like he could really look at them. He didn't know if he ever would be able to. He'd disappointed them. At least if they punished him, he could start to feel like he was making up for it.
Harry wrapped his arms around his legs and cringed when he noticed there was in fact blood on his sleeve. Keeping his head down he waited for Remus to begin.
"First, I would like to address this morning." Remus said.
Harry nodded and kept his eyes down.
"I want to tell you how proud I am, that despite our concerns, you didn't take advantage of the wards being down. They are there for your protection and Sirius'… choices, left you in a position to make some of your own. I'm proud that they were good ones." Remus started.
Harry shrugged his shoulders. He'd considered the knife drawer for a moment but knew that he would never make another attempt where someone could stop him again. He felt horrid that he'd made a mess of Snapes house. He'd failed to destroy the Horcrux. Failed to do his part in bringing down Voldemort. Nothing else mattered now.
He'd considered heading into the woods, or even trying to Apparate away but he didn't have anywhere to go. He didn't belong anywhere.
"I appreciate all the hard work you did on the house. Thank you. I don't think it's looked this nice since my mother was alive." Remus said softly.
Harry blushed at the praise.
"I also want to thank you for all of the delicious meals you've made. It's a talent I wasn't aware you had." Remus continued.
Harry blushed darker and shook his head. They weren't exactly talents he'd chosen to hone.
"What you said this afternoon needs to be addressed though. I know we talked about it a little but, I'd like to bring it back up. We do not expect you to do any of that. Sirius and I are perfectly happy to keep house and cook meals. If those aren't things you want to do right now. Don't." Remus said, his voice firm.
Harry bit his lip as he considered Remus' words.
"Can you tell me how you feel about that?" Remus asked.
Harry sighed.
"I'm not sure." Harry whispered.
"That's okay." Remus reassured.
"I would prefer that if you are going to clean, that you are supervised for the time being. I would also like you to take breaks. I know that's not what your used to, but I don't want you to over tax yourself." Remus said softly.
Harry focused on the door to Remus left. He didn't want to think about why he wasn't used to it. He didn't want to think about anything to do with the Dursley's. He certainly didn't want to talk about them, or his life there.
Harry nodded his understanding. He hated being watched while he was cleaning but perhaps this was part of his punishment. They didn't trust him.
"I want you to know that food is always available to you. I know the cupboards and fridge are locked, but if you are hungry Sirius and I can make anything available to you. Night or day. If that still feels uncomfortable, I'd be willing to leave some snacks out for you on the counter." Remus said.
Harry blushed again. He hated talking about food. Snape had eventually dropped it for the most part. He hadn't had much of an appetite anyway, so it had hardly mattered.
"George brought me some things." Harry mumbled.
Remus sighed but said nothing.
Harry chanced a look up and saw the sad look that crossed his face. Harry wished he wasn't so sad. He hated himself for upsetting everyone all the time.
At least he wasn't angry like the Dursley's would have been if they'd ever realized he had food hidden in his room.
"Harry." Remus called.
Harry looked up and realized he'd started to get lost in his own thoughts.
"Sorry." Harry mumbled.
"It's okay. Can you tell me what you were thinking about?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. He didn't want to talk about the Dursley's.
"Okay. I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. These talks will stay between us." Remus said sincerely.
Harry scoffed. He'd heard that before.
Remus sighed again.
"Severus told us what he did to keep you safe Harry." Remus said.
Harry lowered his head. He certainly wasn't talking about that. Not when he already felt dirty. Not when his mind had already circled around that topic. He wouldn't talk about it ever if he had his way. It had been a mistake talking to Snape about it.
He honestly didn't blame him anymore. He was just doing what he thought was best. Mostly Harry just wished he'd told him first. Being blindsided by it from Remus in the hospital wing amongst an already awkward conversation had been upsetting.
"Harry." Remus called from a lot closer.
Harry flinched when he felt Remus grabbing his hand. He looked up and realized Remus was kneeling in front of him.
His lip wobbled a little as he looked into Remus' sad eyes. He'd spaced out again. He hadn't meant to. His mind was so much more jumbled these days. The forest in his mind that had kept everything so neat seemed like it had been through a hurricane. Nothing he had buried seemed to stay that way.
"Sorry." Harry said, looking away from Remus again.
"Don't worry about it. Are you all right?" Remus asked softly.
Harry nodded.
"Why don't we call it a night. I think Sirius is about done with dinner." Remus said standing up and taking a step away from Harry.
Harry nodded and stood before following Remus back into the house.
Sirius sat on the couch with Remus. To their surprise George had shown back up shortly after dinner. He had said a polite hello before following Harry down the hall. Harry was in the shower again. He'd been in there for over an hour and Sirius was starting to worry.
"Remus." Sirius whispered.
Remus turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow.
"Doesn't this feel wrong?" Sirius asked worriedly.
Remus sighed and looked away.
"Frequent bathing or extended bathing isn't uncommon in people who have experienced sexual abuse or assault. I wasn't aware it was something Harry did but were going to let it be, for now. Harry needs to feel comfortable to do what his body is telling him. This isn't a healthy coping skill but it's not harmful either. I wish he could trust that we wouldn't invade his privacy, but for now what makes him comfortable is having George here." Remus explained.
Sirius felt his stomach clench as he looked down.
"I think we probably triggered him earlier and this is his way of handling that. He's going to be okay Siri. I've got several charms and wards set up in the bathroom. He's physically fine." Remus continued quietly.
Sirius sighed. He hadn't meant to upset Harry. This was exactly the type of thing he had hoped to avoid. They'd not gone to bed with the intention of doing anything. He'd just wanted to rest and hold Remus. He'd felt so horrible about what he'd done. As they say, one thing had just led to another.
It had just felt so nice to be close to Remus. Neither of them had slept well all week and had unfortunately fallen asleep.
Sirius nodded his understanding and stared at his clasped hands. He wished there was a way to make things better.
George sighed in relief when he finally heard the shower turn off. Harry had clearly been upset when he'd arrived. He hadn't planned on coming to the cottage twice a day. However, he realized Harry likely wouldn't change if he didn't. He'd planned on stopping by and checking on Harry and then heading home.
Harry wouldn't meet his eye and had flinched rather dramatically when he'd tried to touch him. He'd only been trying to touch his shoulder, but it was enough of a sign for George to back off.
Harry had whispered quietly that he'd like to take a shower, and George had agreed to watch the door for him. It was obvious that something had upset him today. Sirius and Remus looked upset, and George wondered what had happened. He wouldn't ask. If Harry wanted him to know then he'd talk to him.
The bathroom door opened, and Harry stepped out. It was a little strange to see Harry back to the way he used to be. George had gotten used to seeing him with his long hair and the soft freckles across his nose. This was a mask. He hadn't known it but once he'd discovered Harry's metamorphmagus abilities, it was so painfully obvious that this look was a mask.
"Better?" George asked quietly.
Harry nodded but kept his head down.
Harry had his dirty clothing balled in his arms and George's breath caught in his chest when he noticed the sleeve of his shirt had blood on it. He schooled his features and led Harry back to his room.
Harry dropped his laundry in a basket and put his toiletries away in his trunk. George frowned as he watched Harry. This was his home now, but he was still keeping everything in his trunk like he might have to leave at any time.
When Harry was settled on the bed George approached him.
"Can I sit on the bed with you?" George asked softly.
Harry nodded but remained silent.
George sighed as he sat at the end of the bed and studied Harry.
"Where are you hurt?" George asked quietly.
He assumed Harry had hurt himself, but George wouldn't rule out the possibility that something else had happened. He didn't believe that Sirius or Remus would hurt Harry. However, if they did George knew that Harry wouldn't stand up for himself.
Harry gave him a confused look and shook his head.
"I'm not hurt." Harry answered.
"I saw the blood on your shirt." George answered quietly.
Harry blushed and looked away and shook his head again.
"it's nothing, I'm fine." Harry insisted.
George sighed.
"Harry if you are bleeding it's not nothing. We've been over this. Please let me help you." George said softly.
Harry deflated and tears filled his eyes.
"I didn't mean to." Harry choked out quietly.
George nodded.
"Okay. I believe you. Can I see?" George asked.
Harry hesitated for a moment before he held out his arm. George gently took it and pushed up the long grey shirt sleeve.
He tried to ignore the horrible scar at Harry's wrist and pushed the sleeve up higher. He sighed in relief when there weren't any fresh cuts. It looked like he'd been scratching at himself again. Fred and George had caught him doing that plenty of times. They usually just distracted him and got him engaged in something he had to use his hands for, like cards.
"It's not too bad." George said softly.
"I don't have anything on me. I think we should ask Remus for some healing salve." George said.
Harry shook his head wildly.
"It's fine." Harry choked out and tried to pull his arm from George's grip.
"It's not fine, Harry. It's not bad but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be healed. All right?" George responded.
George could see Harry shutting down.
George sighed and climbed off the bed before walking to the sitting room.
"Do you have some healing salve?" George asked.
Sirius and Remus both turned to look at him.
"What's wrong?" Remus said standing up.
George held up his hand.
"Harry has a little scratch. It's not bad but I'd like to put something on it." George answered quietly.
Remus nodded and walked to his room with George following. When Remus returned George kept him from walking into Harry's room.
"Move George." Remus growled.
George sighed and stepped aside. He didn't really have a leg to stand on here. He worried about Remus making the situation worse, but he couldn't really stop him. He was also hesitant to make waves with them. He didn't want them to keep him from seeing Harry.
George followed Remus into the room.
"Harry?" Remus called.
Harry didn't acknowledge him at all.
"He's not going to respond to you. Not right now. Sometimes when he gets too upset, he just sort of pulls inside of himself. He's afraid. The scratches on his arm aren't bad. He did do them to himself but not intentionally. I think it may have been how the cutting started but it's not exactly the same. He scratches at his arms when he's upset but he usually doesn't notice when he's doing it. I just didn't want to leave it all scraped up." George said softly.
Remus sighed and nodded.
"I understand. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Would you like to stay with him for a while? It seems you're the only person who he trusts." Remus asked, turning sad eyes to him.
George nodded. He wouldn't leave Harry like this unless he was forced.
Remus nodded and left the pot of salve on the side table.
George sat on the end of Harry's bed and began to talk. Telling Harry story's seemed to help calm him.
"I addressed his arm. The salve is in the bathroom. He's asleep now." George muttered as he headed to the fireplace.
Remus nodded. He was glad that George was willing to do so much for Harry.
"Thank you for all the care you have shown Harry. Not just now, but always." Remus said.
George nodded.
"He need's some one to do it." George said a little thickly.
"I'm sorry…about what I said the other day. I was upset and…I'm worried about him. He's been through so much. When he and I talked I just got this unsettling feeling that something was wrong. I think now, Harry was just upset that I was pushing." Sirius said earnestly.
George met his eyes.
"Your words mean something. I can forgive you and understand where you're coming from. But you need to watch what you say to Harry. He will forgive anyone for anything. That doesn't mean he'll forget it though. He… he's so broken right now. I don't think either of you really understand. You don't know him. Not really. He doesn't know you either. I think you both love him. But you see the person you think he should be. Not who he actually is." George said with a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.
"I'd argue at this point Snape probably knows him best after Fred and me. If you want to help him. Really help him, you need to get to know him. He needs to get to know you as well. Harry knows almost everything about Fred and me. That's part of the reason he trusts us. We also have done everything in our power not to break that trust. It's hard won and easy to lose." George said firmly.
George sighed. He was exhausted.
"Just keep that in mind. I'll be back in the morning." George said as he reached for the floo powder and headed home.
Remus sat quietly thinking about what George had said. He was wise beyond his years and had probably just handed them the key to helping Harry.
Remus blew out a breath and ran his hands through his hair before he looked at Sirius.
Sirius was biting his lip and looked close to tears again.
Remus knew that was hard for Sirius to hear. It was for him too. They did love Harry and they wanted to help him.
"I think George is right. We both kind of crash landed in Harry's life. I think we both picked up where we thought we should. I went more the mentor direction as his professor, and you went with father figure. We kind of skipped over getting to know him." Remus said quietly.
Sirius nodded.
"We've done some of the work, I think. More then George realizes, but not enough. I think I'm going to shift my approach. I'd planned for our evening sit down to resolve house conflicts and family time. Eventually make evening's time where we could do a family thing together like games or I don't know, bake cookies. I think maybe we should make it more of a getting to know one another time for now." Remus said in thought.
"I'll keep working with Harry in our private sessions, but I think I will shift that a little as well. He seemed to respond better today to direct questions. I've been trying to just get him to talk at all but that doesn't seem to really be working." Remus said with a sigh.
"Has…has he said anything about…about what happened?" Sirius asked softly.
Remus sighed.
"I can't talk to you about that Sirius. Harry and I's sessions need to be held separate from our family situation. I will talk to Harry tomorrow about how he would like that to look. If he is comfortable with me sharing some of what we talk about with you, I will." Remus answered.
Harry hadn't said anything, and he imagined it would be a while before he did. He wanted to keep their sessions professional though and despite wanting to know what had pushed his son to that point, as a healer he needed to do this the right way. That needed to have Harry feeling in control, not him pushing Harry for his own comfort.
Sirius nodded.
"I know. We talked about that before he came here. I just…" Sirius sighed.
"I know." Remus said softly.
Sirius nodded.
"We should go to bed." Remus said softly.
Sirius stood and held out his hand for Remus. Remus smiled softly and took the offered hand.
"Tomorrow will be better." Remus murmured as he pulled Sirius into a gentle hug.
Sirius nodded into his shoulder.
They both looked in on Harry, who was thankfully sound asleep. Remus hoped he'd get a good rest tonight. Today had been very emotional for them all.
"Good night, Harry." Remus whispered sadly, before heading to bed.