Author Note- Thank you for the comments this week. It's been an upsetting week, and I had a hard time focusing on writing. Not to worry, I think I should have the next chapter written in the next few days. I hope you enjoy the new chapter.
Chapter 62
Planning For The Future
Severus stepped out of the floo into the sitting room of Spinner's End. Today certainly hadn't gone the way he'd expected it to.
It had started with an emergency call from Albus to help with an attack happening in Diagon. When he'd arrived Tonks and the Weasley twins were dueling with a group of masked Death Eater's. Several buildings were on fire and people were screaming in the streets. It had been chaos.
He'd jumped into the fray as other order members arrived. Thankfully, the Death Eater's realized they were outnumbered rather quickly and had fled. He'd heard the screaming and run towards the collapsing ice cream shop to find Tonks with serious burns.
He had scooped her into his arms, then raced down the street following one of the twins to use their floo back to Hogwarts.
Poppy had thankfully been able to help him heal the young woman. He wouldn't soon forget her desperate pleas for help and painful screams.
He'd returned to collect Draco a few hours later and they'd spent most of the day at the school.
Draco was slowly improving and becoming less distant. They'd discussed how things might look when he returned for the new term. Severus had promised that if it became apparent that he wasn't safe in the Slytherin dorms, he could stay in Severus' quarters. Albus might object, but Severus couldn't care less at the moment.
Remus and Sirius had thrown him for a loop. He'd not expected them to ask if Harry could come back to his house. He was still feeling uncertain about the possibility. As far as he was aware they still hadn't been given a definitive answer as to what had happened that night.
Severus was still carrying a lot of guilt.
Draco had yet to talk about it. Severus knew it had frightened him.
He planned to talk with Draco about the possibility of Harry returning. While he would like to see Harry he wouldn't put one child's needs above another. Draco had also had a difficult summer. While it had been differently difficult, they had both been struggling.
Severus walked into the kitchen and was thankful to not find Draco. He'd sent him home before the order meeting. Draco had looked exhausted and there hadn't been much else for him to do but sit and wait.
Draco had slowly lessened his need to be right with Severus all the time, but he still found Draco close by more often than not. He didn't wish to push the boy away but finding a few moment's to himself was necessary.
Draco chewed on his bottom lip as he read. He and Severus had returned to the Book Nook earlier this week and Draco had stocked up on several new books. He was fascinated by muggle history. As a pureblood, his early life had been filled with lessons on history. Comparing what was happening in the muggle world to what was happening in the Wixen world at different points in history was enthralling. He couldn't seem to put the books down.
Severus had chosen not to mention what had happened with Harry to Mary. He'd later said that it was for Harry to share if he chose to. Instead, he'd simply said that Harry was with his new guardians and left it at that.
Draco wasn't sure how to feel about the whole situation. He'd initially been shocked and that had taken a while to dissipate. The guilt had come after. He still felt it though he knew he wasn't responsible. He just wished he would have done things differently.
Loth though he was to admit it, it had scared him. He'd wanted to be close to Severus and he knew he was driving the man crazy. Being alone made him anxious and he couldn't really explain it.
He didn't want to talk about what had happened, or why, or how he felt about it. He felt horrible. He'd never known someone to do something like that. He also felt a little ashamed that part of him was angry at Harry.
They'd had fun together at the street fair. They'd had each other's backs when they had gone to help Bones. Draco had gone in solidarity to the cemetery. Then he'd tried to cheer him up with cards.
He thought they were becoming friends. Then Harry had to go and do that. He hadn't reached out. He'd just been selfish. He hadn't thought about how his choice would effect Draco or Severus or even his own friends.
Draco sighed and shook his head.
He knew it wasn't really how he felt about the situation. Sometimes though, he would just start feeling angry about what had happened, and he couldn't seem to push it away.
There was a knock on his door, and he quickly marked his book.
"It's dinner time." Severus said as Draco opened the door.
Draco nodded and followed Severus downstairs.
The man looked exhausted, and Draco couldn't blame him. He'd been up in the early hours of the morning. Severus hadn't said, but Draco had seen the cover of the prophet this morning. He had also been able to smell the smoke on Severus when he'd come home. He knew Severus had been fighting Death Eater's in Diagon.
He hated this war.
He thought he'd gotten a good idea of what was happening while he was trapped in his home this summer. However, it was only one aspect of it. Seeing the war from the other side was even more depressing. People were living in fear of the next attack. People were disappearing, injured, and dying.
As much as he'd hoped to avoid the war, he knew it was only a matter of time before he was once again intrenched in it. School seemed foreboding.
Draco took his seat and dug into his meal. Severus had been making simple meals and Draco understood. The man had been spending more and more time in his lab. Draco hadn't asked but he knew Severus was stocking up potions in case the worst was to happen.
When Draco finished his dinner, he cleared the table and washed the dishes. The house wasn't as clean as it had been when Harry was living here, but he'd tried to do his best. He knew Severus had too many other things going on.
When he was finished, he made them each a cup of tea and returned to the table. The evening had become their time to talk.
Severus cleared his throat and Draco looked up from his cup.
"I know we haven't spoken much about it, but we need to talk about what happened with Harry." Severus said.
Draco felt his stomach twist into knots.
"I need to know how you are feeling about what happened." Severus said, looking to Draco.
Draco could tell Severus was trying to ask the question neutrally but the sadness in his eyes was evident.
Draco sighed.
"I'm not sure. I guess I've been mostly trying to just move past it." Draco answered.
Severus nodded and waited for Draco to continue.
Draco ran a hand through his hair.
"I don't know Sev. It was upsetting. I've seen a lot of blood and death this summer. I just…I wasn't expecting to see that. Harry…I just…I don't understand what happened." Draco admitted quietly.
Severus nodded.
"It was upsetting. I think you have handled yourself well through this latest upheaval." Severus said.
Draco shrugged and looked back to his tea.
"I don't feel like I'm doing very well." Draco whispered.
Severus reached out and laid his hand on Draco's arm. Draco smiled at the comforting touch.
"Can you tell me how you are feeling about Harry? I know you two were getting along better. How are you feeling about that now?" Severus asked.
Draco shrugged.
"I don't know. I thought things were going okay. But maybe not. I don't know where we stand now. I doubt he'll talk to me when we get back to school. Wouldn't want to be seen with a Death Eater." Draco spat.
Severus sighed.
"Your not a Death Eater, Draco. You never really were, and you know that. Even if you felt that you had to play that part for a while you aren't even marked." Severus said.
Draco huffed.
"Thanks to Potter." Draco growled.
He was thankful, but the anger was starting to build, and he just couldn't hold it in.
"Yes, thanks to Harry we have both been freed from that." Severus said calmly.
Draco nodded, though his jaw was tense, and he couldn't look at Severus.
"Please talk to me Draco. I want to help but I can't if you won't tell me what you are thinking." Severus said softly.
Draco grit his teeth.
"I'm mad and I'm stressed. I just feel like I'm going to explode, and I hate that I feel any of those things. Okay?! I'm not doing well. School is back in less than two weeks. I have no idea what's going to happen with my friends. I still don't have my OWL results, so I don't even know what classes I'll be in. I have no idea if my parents are even alive. I have no money and I'm going to need to get school supplies soon. I don't have my broom. I haven't heard from any of my friends in months. And the guy I kind of like just tried to kill himself. How am I supposed to be doing Severus?!" Draco shouted.
Severus looked sad.
"Take a sip of your tea." Severus said softly.
Draco briefly considered throwing his tea across the room. Watching it shatter and screaming at Severus about where he could shove his tea.
However, the look on Severus' face stopped him. The man had done his best to help him. None of this was his fault.
He felt the anger settle into a low simmer as he raised his cup to his mouth and took a sip. He'd made them both calming tea. The flavor was interesting, but the effects were nice.
"Sorry." Draco mumbled as he set his tea down on the table.
Severus sighed and nodded.
"It's all right. I wish you had spoken to me sooner about how you were feeling. It doesn't help to bottle it all up like that." Severus said.
Draco nodded.
"Who do you talk to?" Draco asked as he ran his finger around the rim of his cup.
"Mary and Minerva…and at one time Albus. I know how painful it becomes to hold everything inside." Severus answered.
Draco sighed. He knew Severus was right.
"Your OWL results and book list should be here over the weekend. I imagine you've passed all of your classes. You are one of the top students. Your hard work will bare fruit." Severus said.
Draco nodded and hoped Severus was right. Last year had been kind of a mess, and he wasn't sure he did as well as he could have.
"As for school, we've already discussed that. You may use one of the dungeon classrooms to meet with your friends and gauge where things stand. If you do not believe that you will be safe returning to the dorms you may stay with me." Severus continued.
"As for your school supplies, I will handle it. For now you are my ward and it's my responsibility to get those things for you. I can't promise they will all be as high quality as you might be used to. However, you won't be returning to school missing supplies. It's unfortunate about your broom. I'm sorry but I don't think I will be able to replace it. If you wish to maintain your position on the team, perhaps one of the other students will allow you the use of their broom." Severus said.
Draco groaned. He appreciated that Severus would help him with his school supplies. It was very kind of him. He didn't expect the man to buy him a new broom, but it was unfortunate that he wouldn't have his own. He certainly didn't want to have to owe favors for borrowing someone else's.
"As for Harry. I'm not sure what to say Draco. I know he was struggling. I didn't see it coming and I should have. It's not your fault. I know it's easy to look back and say 'I should have…' but it's in the past now and there's nothing we can do about it. Harry survived, and hopefully he's getting the support he needs." Severus said quietly.
"Also, I want you to know that anger is a common and understandable emotion in these situations. I'd like you to think about it for a moment though and see if you can tell me what's under that anger." Severus said softly.
Draco's jaw clenched again. He didn't want to answer that question.
They sat quietly for a few minutes and Draco just stared blankly across the room. He slowly let the anger fade and was faced with what he knew he'd find.
"Are you ready to talk about it?" Severus asked softly.
Draco balled his hands into fists and shook his head.
Severus nodded and sighed.
"May I tell you what I found under my own anger?" Severus asked.
Draco glanced at Severus and shrugged his shoulder. He didn't realize Severus had been angry at Harry too.
"I found hurt under that anger. I was hurt that Harry didn't come to me when he was struggling. I found disappointment at myself for not seeing what was going on. I found sorrow, that someone as kind as Harry could be hurting so badly, that he thought that was the only way to end his pain. I also found anxiety. I wasn't expecting it to happen and when it did it shook my own feeling of security." Severus said.
Draco felt tears forming in his eyes and tried to blink them back. Severus did understand how he was feeling.
He finally looked over and met Severus eye and was surprised to find that he also looked like he might cry.
Draco nodded and Severus nodded back. They understood each other. That pain that was now just living inside of them.
Draco stood from his seat and walked over to Severus. Draco felt his lip wobble a little before Severus opened his arms and Draco stepped into the hug. It was a little awkward with Severus seated but Draco didn't care. He needed this right now.
After a moment Draco stepped away and brushed the couple of tears from his face. He tried not to look at Severus.
He took their cups to the counter and went about making fresh tea.
"I spoke with Lupin and Black today." Severus started.
Draco's breath caught. He hadn't heard much about what was going on with Harry. Draco kept his back to Severus and hummed a little to show Severus he was listening.
"There is a possibility that they will be co-teaching the DADA position this year." Severus said.
Draco nodded.
That wouldn't be too bad. He didn't think they'd form a hit squad out of the Slytherin's or transfigure him into a ferret.
"They plan to leave the country to get married…Lupin's condition would make that impossible here. He also wishes to get his certification in mind healing and step in as counselor at the school." Severus continued.
Draco nodded. That all seemed reasonable. Severus wouldn't be sharing this if there wasn't more to the story though.
"It would be unsafe for Harry to travel, especially out of the country." Severus said softly.
Draco felt his heart clench. He didn't want to think about Harry being in danger again. He stirred sugar into his tea slowly. His hand shook a little. Was Severus preparing him for bad news? Were they leaving soon, and Draco might not get a chance to see Harry again?
"Lupin and Black have asked if Harry can come back to stay here while they are away." Severus finally said.
Draco spun around, catching the spoon in his tea, sending the cup to the floor where it shattered.
Draco stared shocked at Severus for a moment before he looked down at his sock clad feet that were slowly soaking up the spilled tea.
"Shit." Draco muttered.
"Don't move." Severus said, standing and pulling his wand before vanishing the mess.
Severus stood in front of him looking deep into his eyes. Draco felt his heart pound in his chest. He wanted Harry to come back but he was afraid. What if something else happened? It hadn't exactly been smooth sailing before he'd tried to kill himself. The fighting, the visions, the trip to Crup Creek, the boggart.
"I won't allow him to return if it's not something you think you can handle Draco." Severus said earnestly.
Draco looked away and shook his head. Harry needed a place to be, and he wanted a chance to sort out his feelings before they returned to school.
"No. No, it's okay. He needs a safe place to be." Draco said with a firm nod of his head.
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"Are you sure?" Severus asked calmly.
Draco nodded.
"Yeah, I'm sure. How…how do you feel about it?" Draco asked curiously.
Severus sighed and walked back to his chair.
"I have concerns. I have more if he is forced to go with Lupin and Black, or alternatively if they do not join the staff. I think Harry will need all the support he can get this year." Severus answered.
Draco nodded.
"Right. When will he be coming back?" Draco asked.
Severus shrugged.
"Not for a few days yet. This weekend I suspect." Severus answered.
Draco felt his stomach do a little flip. He was anxious to see Harry again.
Remus was surprised by the sight that met him as he floo'd back home.
Instead of one red head there were now two.
Fred and George were on the floor in front of the couch with Harry. A forgotten pizza box sat off to the side and there were candy wrappers strewn around the boys. In the middle was a pile of cards. Harry had his back to him, but both the Weasley children were smiling, and he heard Harry laugh softly.
Remus' heart swelled at the sound. Harry had had such a rough morning, he had worried that the rest of his day might be bad.
Sirius floo'd in a moment later and smiled happily down at the group. Fred looked up and finally seemed to realize they weren't alone. This dragged Harry and George's attention away from their game.
Harry had a smile on his face when he turned but it quickly vanished when he saw them. The color in his face drained away. Remus frowned at this reaction.
"Sorry." Harry said, jumping to his feet and beginning to collect the wrappers from the floor.
Remus felt his heart clench. He wished Harry felt more at home here. He wasn't worried about the small mess. It paled in comparison to seeing Harry happy.
"Harry." Remus called out.
Harry's head shot up and fear filled his eyes.
Remus swallowed thickly. He hated seeing that look on Harry's face. It made him wonder for the millionth time how his relatives could have seen that look and hurt him anyway.
"Harry, it's fine. The mess is fine. I don't mind at all. It looks like you're having a fun time. It is getting late though, so wrap up your game please." Remus said calmly.
He gave the boys a smile before taking Sirius hand and walking down the hall to their room.
When Sirius closed the door behind them Remus dropped Sirius hand and closed his eyes. He ran his hands into his hair pulling harshly and biting his lip to keep himself from screaming.
He opened his eyes when he felt hands on his forearms.
"Shh Moony. It's okay." Sirius said.
Remus shook his head. That was not okay at all.
"Hey, let go. Your hurting yourself." Sirius said softly, gently pulling Remus' hands from his hair.
"Siri." Remus pleaded as tears pricked his eyes.
Sirius swallowed hard and nodded.
"I know. I saw it too. You handled it well though. Reenforcing that Harry is safe here is most important. Right? That's what you keep saying. He was afraid we were going to have a big reaction, and we didn't." Sirius said, taking Remus' hands in his.
Remus nodded sadly.
"How could they do it? How could they look into that face, so full of fear and hurt him? I just want to go out there and wrap him in a hug and promise nothing will ever happen to him again." Remus said in a choked whisper.
Sirius got a pained look on his face and nodded.
"I know. He's okay right now though. He's safe, and were going to keep reminding him that he's safe." Sirius said with a firm nod.
Remus nodded back.
He was so thankful in that moment that Sirius had agreed to start taking the mood potions. He knew he'd be lost if he was trying to console Sirius right now.
"Now, let's get in or night clothes and go out and talk to Harry. I think he's been enjoying our little evening chats." Sirius said softly.
Remus took a deep breath and nodded.
Harry kept picking up the living room. He hadn't meant to make such a mess. He'd just been having a good time. He was sure they wouldn't like it that Fred was here too. He wasn't really supposed to be inviting people over. Was he? He didn't know. He'd never been allowed company before. He'd just let George guide the evening.
"Hey mate. It's fine." Fred said with a smile. He raised his wand and all the rubbish vanished.
Harry sighed and relaxed his shoulders.
Fred and George both stood and Harry fidgeted.
"Thanks for coming over." Harry mumbled softly. He really was thankful for the distraction.
"Anytime." Fred said with a wide smile.
"It was good to see you." Fred added stepping forward and holding his arms open.
Harry hesitated for a moment and then stepped into the offered hug. It was short but heartfelt.
"I'm going to head home. Are you headed back soon?" Fred asked George over Harry's head.
George nodded before Fred disappeared into the floo.
Harry stood there awkwardly twisting his hands.
"Do you think they're mad at me?" Harry asked softly.
George shook his head.
"Nope. I could see their faces when they came through the floo, they looked happy." George said earnestly.
Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It was still a little damp from his shower.
"Thank you, for everything today." Harry said, meeting George's eye.
George nodded.
"Do you still want me to talk to them before I leave?" George asked.
Harry blushed hard and nodded.
"Just…please don't tell them about the other thing." Harry whispered sadly.
George got a sad look on his face and nodded.
"I won't. But Harry…can you please promise me that you'll talk to me before you do anything. I…" George started and then started getting choked up.
Harry's heart hurt at the obvious pain on George's face. He hadn't meant to hurt him.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." Harry whispered, looking down at the floor.
"No. I'm glad I know. Just… I'm going to have questions. Maybe…maybe we can talk about it later." George said with an exhausted sigh.
Harry nodded. He didn't want to talk more about it. But he had opened this can of worms and couldn't exactly expect George to just except it.
"Okay. Why don't you stay here, and I'll talk to them." George said, reaching out and laying his hand on Harry's shoulder.
Harry smiled sadly and leaned into the touch. He was slowly realizing how much he actually enjoyed human contact. It still had a lot of caveats to it. Who it was and how he was feeling played a big part in that. The physical support he'd gotten this summer in the form of George, and even Snapes reassuring hand on his shoulder occasionally, had stirred something in him that he'd long given up on.
As a child he could remember wishing his aunt would hold him and hug him like she did Dudley, but he learned early the only hands that would touch him would cause pain.
Harry swallowed that thought down and nodded to George before he sat back on the floor and leaned against the couch. He busied himself with putting the deck of cards back in their box.
Sirius startled at a firm knock on the door. He pulled his sleep shirt over his head and looked to Remus.
"Harry?" Sirius asked in a hushed voice.
Remus brows furrowed and he shook his head as he stepped towards the bedroom door and pulled it open.
"George?" Remus said as he found the boy standing in the hall.
"Hey." George said softly.
Remus shot a quick look down the hall but couldn't see Harry.
"He's fine. I wanted to talk to you before I left." George said.
Remus nodded. He shuffled awkwardly for a moment before stepping back into his room and waving George in. Unfortunately, the house was small and didn't offer many spaces for private conversations.
"What's going on? Did something happen today?" Remus asked as he reached out for Sirius hand.
George shook his head.
"No, we went for a walk and talked for a while. Sorry if it bothers you that Fred was here. Harry was… well I thought he could use some cheering up. Fred brought us dinner and cards. Harry seemed to lighten up a little. I think it was good for him to have the distraction." George said.
Remus smiled and nodded. It was obvious before Harry had seen them that he was having a good time.
George sighed and blushed a little before looking away from them.
Remus felt his stomach twist. Perhaps something had happened between Harry and George. He'd let the matter drop, especially after the fight at the school and Sirius recent apology. Maybe George wasn't the right person to have left Harry with.
He tried to take a breath and not let his mind run away with him.
"Um…Harry and I talked today. He um…" George sighed and shook his head trying to compose himself.
"Harry told me that um…you guys tried to um…inform him…and um gave him some books." George started.
Remus brows furrowed in confusion.
George sighed and muttered under his breath.
"Sorry. I don't know why I'm being so awkward." George said shaking his head,
"It's okay. Just start at the beginning." Remus reassured. He didn't want miscommunications and right now he felt lost.
George cleared his throat and started again.
"Harry told me that you guys tried to give him a sex talk. He um…said that it didn't go well and that you left him with some books." George said more firmly.
Remus nodded. He felt his stomach roll again. He wondered if this was about that horrid book they'd found in his trunk. Remus had taken it home and burned it the next morning. Then he had cast a skim reading charm over the others to make sure nothing else he'd given Harry was like it.
"Harry said you wanted him to come to you with questions but…He um…He really wasn't comfortable with that. He said there was some sort of incident, and that he thought that you might confront him about it soon. He was really upset about the whole thing." George explained.
Remus heart broke. He wasn't aware that the incident from last week was still waying on him so much.
"Did he tell you what happened?" Sirius asked.
George blushed.
"He um…He said he needed his inhaler and that when Remus came to the door, he wasn't wearing a shirt…He um…he thought he had interrupted…something." George answered, looking away from them.
Remus groaned. This was embarrassing for all of them. Especially since they hadn't been doing anything but sleeping at that point.
"Anyhow…he um wrote down all of his questions. He was going to bring it to you so there didn't have to be an actual conversation…but he still felt uncomfortable with that so he um…I answered them for him. Well, I answered most of them." George said.
Remus sighed deeply. He wished their relationship was on better footing, that Harry would have felt comfortable coming to speak with them. On the other hand, he was proud of Harry for talking to someone. It also showed improvement, as it might be a glimpse that he was looking forward to the future.
"He had a couple of questions I couldn't answer…but um…don't push him. The topic of sex is very upsetting for Harry, I think he will come to you with his questions when he's ready. He um…also told me something and I think I may have given him more questions I couldn't answer." George mumbled.
Remus raised an eyebrow.
"Care to share?" Remus asked.
George buried his hands deep in his pockets and sighed.
"Harry told me about the um…the potion and that you guys' um…that you're his parents." George mumbled.
Remus looked to Sirius, who just shrugged his shoulder.
Remus was surprised Harry had shared that. He was obviously struggling with that fact, but they didn't care if other people knew that they were his parents.
"What questions came from that? Harry hasn't really acknowledged that fact much." Remus asked.
George bit his lip.
"I um…I asked if…well I just couldn't imagine having a child with someone that I wasn't…well, with. I asked Harry and he said he didn't know. It…it upset him… and obviously I didn't have the answer for him." George rambled, steadfastly looking anywhere but at them.
Remus felt like his mind froze for a minute. He stared at George before blinking and trying to formulate an answer.
"I…er…No…we." Remus sighed and brought his hand to his hair.
"I don't really need an answer…but um…You might clarify that with Harry." George mumbled awkwardly.
Remus sighed and nodded.
"Of course." Remus said.
"Anyway…I should get going. Harry just wanted me to tell you he'd had his questions answered. I think he hopes that it won't get brought back up. I didn't want to break it to him, that he's going to have more questions, but I think for right now he's as well informed as he needs to be." George said.
Remus nodded before stepping past George and opening the door.
"Thank you for talking to us and staying with him today." Remus said.
"Anytime." George said with a nod.
Harry melted into his goodbye hug from George. He was pretty sure George was the only person keeping him going at this point.
As George pulled away Harry stared up into his eyes for a moment and smiled. A light blush covered his cheeks and he looked away.
"I…um…I wanted to say sorry about er…my question earlier…I think you were probably right. I'm very grateful for everything you're doing for me. You're also the person I feel the most comfortable with. I'm not sure why I asked but…um…I appreciate you saying no…I think…I think that was probably the right choice." Harry muttered, his face growing redder as he spoke.
George smirked.
"Like I said I'm always here for you." George said softly.
Harry nodded.
"So, am I going to get to hear who you've been talking to?" Harry asked with a smile.
George rolled his eyes before shaking his head.
"Maybe another time. I need to get home." George answered.
Harry shrugged. He didn't really need or want to know he just wanted George to know he'd been listening.
"Alright. Good night." Harry said with a wave as George stepped to the floo.
"Night, Harry." George said with a nod before flooing home.
Harry sat on the floor for a few more minutes before Sirius and Remus emerged from their room. Harry was pleased to see that they were also in their pajamas. It had become their routine in the evening for them to all sit on the floor in their sleepwear, after George would leave, and talk.
Their faces looked a little more serious though and Remus didn't appear to have any sweets. Harry never took them, but the conversation always felt more relaxed when they were both munching on sweets.
They took their seats across from him and Remus smiled softly. Sirius did not lay on the floor like he usually did, instead choosing to sit upright next to Remus. Harry bit his lip. This wasn't going to be a normal night. Unsurprising since it wasn't a normal day. He wondered what had happened to make them leave all day. They were back late, which almost certainly meant an Order meeting.
"Is everyone all right? George said the shop was closed but he didn't say why?" Harry said to break the tension that was quickly settling around them.
Remus sighed.
"Was there an attack on Diagon Alley?" Harry asked.
Still, they didn't say anything.
"You don't need to worry about that right now." Remus finally said with a sigh.
Harry felt the frustration growing in him. He was going to worry about it either way. They didn't fully understand his position in the war. If Harry had anything to do with it, they never would. He would just be another of the fallen at some point.
Sadness crept into his heart at that thought. Remus and Sirius had suffered enough loss. He knew they saw him as their child, and couldn't imagine how painful that loss would be.
Harry took another deep breath and nodded. He could wait to hear about the war.
Silence once again descended, and Harry twiddled his thumbs.
"We have a few things we'd like to discuss with you." Remus finally said.
Harry felt the knots in his stomach tightening. He was regretting the pizza and sweets he'd eaten.
"Take a breath please. This isn't bad and you're not in trouble." Remus said soothingly.
Harry realized he wasn't really breathing as his mind began to panic about what they could possibly want to talk about.
Taking several deep breaths, he lightly dug his nails into his palms to help ground him. Remus seemed to catch this though and reached for his hands.
Harry relaxed them and laid them on the floor before digging his fingers into the rug. He focused on the feeling of the fibers against his skin. Remus didn't say anything, but smiled softly at him and nodded. Remus hadn't brought up his cutting specifically, but self-harm in general had been briefly discussed in one of their sessions, when he'd begun to scratch at his arm.
Remus had recommended that Harry try and use touch as a grounding source. On the front porch Harry often found himself tracing the pattern of the wood with his fingers as he and Remus talked.
"I'm fine. Go ahead." Harry said with a nod.
Remus cleared his throat and seemed to be trying to find the right words.
"George talked to us." Remus started.
Harry felt his body begin to shake. Had George told them about him needing to die? He'd promised not to. Or was this about the other stuff? He'd had George talk to them so that he wouldn't have to have this conversation.
Remus smiled sadly at him. Harry felt his heart start to pound a little harder.
"I appreciate that you took your questions to someone. We don't need to talk about any of that but know you can always come to us if you have more questions." Remus said with a nod.
Harry felt his lungs fill with air again and he nodded.
Remus looked to Sirius and Harry could see something in his eyes. Amusement, he thought. Was Sirius laughing at him?
Harry swallowed harder.
"Um…George did mention that your parentage got brought up." Remus said calmly.
Harry's face felt like it was on fire. He bit harshly at his lip and looked away from them. He'd not meant for George to mention that to them. Merlin, how embarrassing! He didn't even want to know any more.
"Harry." Sirius called.
Harry sighed and met his eyes.
The glittering look in his eyes had vanished, and he looked more serious.
"Harry, we weren't involved with your parents. Not like that. The four of us were very close, especially after Hogwarts. It wasn't ever romantic though." Sirius said.
Harry swallowed thickly. His brain felt like a mess.
"Lily loved you so much, Harry, from the moment she found out she was pregnant. She…" Sirius started before he cut himself off with a choke sound.
Harry could see the tears in his eyes and felt terrible that any of this had been brought up.
"She never wanted you to know a day without love and comfort." Sirius whispered and bit his lip.
Harry's heart felt like it was being ripped apart, and swelling with love all at the same time.
"She um…She knew that they were at risk. That's why we did that potion. If something happened to them, she wanted us to take you. To raise you." Sirius said softly, his eyes full of guilt.
Harry's heart broke, knowing that none of them had had the lives that could have been.
Harry felt a little bit of determination swell in his chest. He didn't want Sirius to feel that way. He didn't want Sirius to feel guilty about how things had turned out for him. His life had been his own fault, not Sirius' fault. The man had suffered more than enough, locked away for years as an innocent man.
He rolled himself to his knees and briefly caught the look on both of their faces. They thought he was running away from them. He took a deep breath and opened his arms.
Sirius gave him a watery smile and leaned forward and wrapped Harry in a slightly awkward hug. Harry shuffled forward on his knees in an effort not to fall on Sirius. He relaxed slightly into the hug and wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him close.
Harry's head rested lightly on Sirius shoulder.
"I love you, kid." Sirius said softly.
Harry felt tears sting his eyes. He nodded.
He was willing to except that they loved him. He still didn't feel like he deserved it, but he knew that they did.
"I love you too, Siri." Harry whispered.
Sirius squeezed him tighter for a moment before Harry pulled away and wiped his face.
He gave them both his best attempt at a smile. He was sure he looked like a mess at the moment.
Harry settled back against the couch.
"I'm glad that we were able to clear that up." Remus said softly.
Sirius laughed a little.
"Merlin, could you imagine." Sirius said with a snort, humor dancing in his eyes.
"I'd rather not." Harry groaned.
Remus rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Well, now that that's sorted, we'd like to talk to you about a few other things." Remus said going back to a somewhat serious tone. Though his voice was lighter.
Harry tried to relax his shoulders though his stomach still felt unsettled.
"We'd like to address what you call us." Remus started.
Harry felt his stomach lurch.
"I know you're my parents but your not going to make me call you guys dad, right?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Remus shook his head quickly.
"No, pup. Of course not. We just want you to know you can call us whatever feels most comfortable for you. But um…" Remus looked to Sirius, who nodded.
"You might be calling us both Professor when we get back to school." Remus said hesitantly.
Harry's mind froze for a moment. They were both coming to teach at Hogwarts? His stomach turned, knowing it was likely to keep an eye on him, but that feeling was slowly replaced with a warm feeling of care. They were willing to do this for him.
He smiled shyly at them.
"What posts are you guys taking?" Harry asked.
The stress in both of their shoulders immediately relaxed.
Remus cleared his throat.
"We'll be co-teaching the Defense class." Remus explained.
Harry considered that for a moment.
"That's great. You were the best teacher we ever had." Harry said to Remus.
He turned to Sirius.
"I'm sure your auror experience will really help some of the students." Harry said with a smile.
They both smiled back at Harry.
"Thanks for the endorsement, pup." Sirius said with a smile.
"Those won't be the only changes though. We'll both be picking up a second responsibility. I'll be taking up counseling at the school." Remus explained.
Harry rolled that around for a moment. It was probably a good idea. He knew he could have used someone to talk to over the years. Then his stomach squirmed at the realization that he would likely still have to talk to Remus. Their sessions wouldn't end when he left for school.
Harry sighed before nodding.
"I think there are a lot of students that will benefit from that." Harry answered quietly.
It was true. The years he'd been at school had been traumatizing. He thought about Cho and the Hufflepuffs after Cedric's death. Really the whole school could have used some counseling. He thought of Ginny after her experience with the diary, those who had been petrified, and of the DA with Umbridge.
This was something the school needed. Probably more now than ever. The war was getting worse. Who knew what his classmates had experienced over the summer?
Then he realized Remus had said they'd both be taking a second post.
"What will you be doing?" Harry said, turning to Sirius.
Sirius blushed a little. It was a strange sight on the man's face. He didn't look embarrassed exactly, but Harry couldn't exactly place the look.
"I…um…I'll be taking over for Minerva as head of Gryffindor." Sirius stuttered out.
Harry's head spun.
"What happened to McGonagall?" Harry asked in slight panic.
He knew something had happened today.
Sirius quickly raised his hands placatingly and shook his head.
"Nothing, she's fine. We just left her office." Sirius reassured.
Harry still didn't feel settled, but he tried to calm himself to listen.
"She's just got a lot on her plate with teaching, deputy headmistress, and work for the order." Sirius explained.
Harry considered that. He thought about what he'd learned about how Snape handled his head of house duties. It was vastly different from what McGonagall did.
Harry nodded. Perhaps she did have too many responsibilities.
"I suppose that makes sense." Harry eventually said.
Harry sighed and considered both of them for a minute.
"What happened today?" Harry asked. They'd dismissed him earlier and now it was really starting to worry him.
George hadn't been willing to tell him. He didn't want to be kept in the dark though.
Sirius and Remus looked to one another again. Eventually Remus sighed and nodded.
"There was an attack in Diagon Alley. Several buildings were set on fire, and they burned down Fortescue's. The Order responded quickly and there was no loss of life. A few scrapes but everyone was okay. Tonks will need to be looked after for a while, but she'll be all right." Remus said firmly.
Harry bit his lip. He liked Tonks. She was fun to be around.
"What happened to Tonks?" Harry asked softly.
"She got burned. It wasn't too bad, and she was taken to Poppy immediately. Her chances of a full recovery are good." Remus explained.
Harry's shoulder's relaxed slightly.
"Did you guys see her today?" Harry asked curiously.
Sirius nodded.
"We did. She's cranky that she's stuck in one form until she heals." Sirius said with a smirk.
Harry nodded, that sounded good, if those were the kind of complaints she was making.
"Do you…um…Do you know how the others are doing? Katie? Collin? Dennis? Tim?" Harry asked worriedly.
He hadn't been told much.
Remus sighed and nodded.
"Yes, Collin and Dennis are doing well. They've been moved to another safe house with their parents. Tim has recovered well with potions and will be staying at the current safe house until term begins. Katie…" Remus trailed off and sighed.
Harry felt a lump grow in his throat.
"Katie has mostly healed. Her injuries were very serious. I'm unsure if she will be returning to school this year." Remus answered.
Harry grit his teeth. Katie deserved to complete her last year at Hogwarts. She worked hard on her studies and was an excellent Quidditch player.
Harry shook his head. There wasn't anything he could do for her.
"Your training last year likely saved her life Harry. Her parent's said that she fought well above the abilities of a sixth year." Remus tried to console.
Harry shook his head.
"She shouldn't have had to fight." Harry growled.
Remus nodded solemnly.
"That's true. Unfortunately, being prepared is about all we can do now." Remus said softly.
Harry nodded. He would make sure his friends were prepared. He thought back to the notes he had been working on for new DA lessons.
"Harry." Remus called after a moment.
"Sorry." Harry muttered. He hadn't meant to get lost in his thoughts.
Sirius and Remus looked nervous again. Harry felt his stomach tighten. He wished they would just get to it. The stress of this conversation was making him feel sick.
Harry grimaced a little as Remus cleared his throat.
"Um…in order for me to take the counseling job, I need to get my healer certification." Remus started.
Harry nodded.
"We'll need to leave the country to do that." Remus said.
Harry clenched his jaw. He hated how the Wixen world treated Remus.
"I'm sorry, Harry." Remus said quietly, misunderstanding the look on his face.
Harry shook his head.
"I'm sorry. It's shit that they won't let you get certified here. There's nothing wrong with you." Harry growled.
Remus face softened a little.
"I appreciate that, Harry. Unfortunately, others would disagree." Remus said.
"They're wrong." Harry said firmly.
Sirius beamed and wrapped his arm around Remus' back.
"Regardless of our feelings on the matter, there isn't any getting around it. It's not safe for us to take you with us, I'm afraid." Remus said softly, meeting Harry's eyes.
Harry felt his stomach drop. They were leaving him behind. They were leaving him.
Harry pulled up his wall. He didn't want to look weak in front of them but without his wall he was going to cry.
"Harry." Sirius called out to him.
Harry took a slow breath and turned blank staring eyes at Sirius.
"Were not abandoning you, pup. I promise. We'll be gone for a few days and then we'll all be at Hogwarts together. I wish we could take you with us. Leaving the country right now is extremely dangerous and we don't want you to get hurt." Sirius said earnestly.
Harry nodded and looked down at his lap. He knew Sirius was right, it didn't make it hurt less though.
"When are you leaving?" Harry asked softly.
He heard Remus sigh before he began to speak.
"Saturday but, we won't do this if you're not comfortable with it, Harry. We haven't spoken to Albus yet. Minerva and Severus presented us with the offer. We told them we were interested but that we wanted to talk to you first. We're a family and we aren't going to do anything to put you in danger. Including leaving if your not okay with that." Remus said honestly.
Harry sighed. He was being selfish, wanting them to stay. They clearly wanted this and the students at Hogwarts would benefit. He focused on the determination he had to see them make it through the war. They had a better chance of that if Remus and Sirius came to the school.
Harry nodded.
"You should definitely do it." Harry said firmly before looking back up at them.
They both looked hesitant but nodded.
"Will you be back to take me to the station?" Harry asked quietly.
Remus made some sort of choked noise and had a baffled look on his face.
"We're not leaving you here, Harry." Remus said, sounding scandalized.
Harry just shrugged his shoulder.
"They always left me home when they went on vacation. I'll be fine." Harry said wrapping his arms around his stomach.
He tried not to think about being left locked in his cupboard or in his room for days while they were gone. He pulled harder on the wall and pushed the memories back.
"Harry…" Remus started before sighing.
"We wouldn't ever do that. It was wrong of them to even consider it an option." Remus said with a slight growl.
Harry just shrugged again. He had survived. It hardly mattered now.
"Severus has agreed to house you for the week before school. We need to speak with Molly, but I imagine you and Draco will be going to the Burrow for the last night or two, to allow Severus to return to the school." Remus explained.
Harry considered that for a moment. He knew Snape was mad at him. However, this might be his last chance to go to Cokeworth. He'd like to say goodbye to the people he'd met there. He could handle Snape and Malfoy's hate again. It would hurt more knowing that they could behave differently. Knowing that he'd ruined those relationships.
Harry nodded.
He'd like to go to the Burrow, but he wasn't ready yet. He didn't think he could take a whole week there.
"Are you sure you're okay with that plan?" Remus asked cautiously.
Harry nodded. It was better then being locked in his room here.
"All right. We'll speak with Albus in the morning and get things sorted out." Remus said.
Harry nodded again.
"Is there anything else?" Harry asked tiredly.
He longed for his bed, though he suspected nightmares were in his future.
"Yeah." Sirius said.
Harry looked up and found Sirius smiling slightly.
"We were thinking this last week that were all together before school would be a good time to do something a little different." Sirius said.
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"How would you feel about doing a camping trip? We'll still be in the wards, but it might be nice to be out of the house for a bit." Sirius said.
His face was hopeful, but his eyes held trepidation, like he wasn't sure how Harry would react.
Harry lowered his wall a little and smiled softly.
"Sounds fun." Harry said honestly.
Sirius smiled more.
"You'll love it." Sirius said with more confidence.
Harry laughed softly and nodded. He could use a few days out of this house.
"Wonderful. We'll talk to Dumbledore in the morning and head out after." Remus said, a soft smile lightening up the stressed features of his face.
Harry smiled softly back.
As Harry lay in bed that night he thought about the strange day. Today had been very heavy but there had been some silver linings to it. He had enjoyed spending time with Fred and George. The conversation he was dreading was no longer hanging over his head. Sirius and Remus would be at Hogwarts this year, and he was getting to go camping. His mind kept trying to pull images of his last camping trip at the world cup, and he forcefully shoved them down.
This wouldn't be like that.
He briefly considered shifting into Akela. He missed sleeping in that form. His stomach twisted at the memories of Crup Creek.
He sighed as he rolled on to his side. He pulled into his mind and sat quietly with the wolfdog by his side. Seeing it didn't bother him. Perhaps shifting wouldn't be as bad as he kept imagining. His eyes grew tired, and slowly they fell shut.