This story takes place in season 21, a few months after "We Dream of Machine Elves" and "Can't Be Held Accountable/Must Be Held Accountable". There are no trigger warnings for this chapter, but there will be in future chapters. I'm not sure how long this story will be yet.

The kids and Frannie don't exist in this story.

"Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace"

Olivia Benson stares intently out of her office window, her gaze fixed on the slumped, dejected form of Amanda Rollins in the squad room. The younger woman is huddled at her desk, appearing half asleep while one hand types listlessly on the keyboard of her laptop and the other rakes backward through an unruly nest of golden hair.

Olivia can't help but notice just how exhausted and depleted Amanda looks, wincing and holding her breath as she watches her detective briefly lose her balance on her chair and then breathing a sigh of relief as she rights herself before falling.

She has become increasing worried about Amanda's physical and mental state over the past few months, the blonde having been put through through hell first with Dr. Julius Adler, and then right on the heels of that whole mess, being abducted by Detective Frank Bucci. She still doesn't know the extent of what had gone on during either situation, Amanda adamantly denying that she had not inhaled the DMT while with Adler, and outright refusing to go into detail about her time with Bucci beyond a basic account of what had occurred.

All she knows for sure is that Amanda seems to be falling apart right before her eyes, the other woman losing a concerning amount of weight in such a short period of time, her eyes constantly ringed with purple bruises of fatigue, and becoming more emotionally distant with each passing day. She needs to take drastic action before whatever is happening with her detective escalates any further, Olivia truly concerned for her health and well-being.

Amanda's elbow is now resting on the desk, her chin propped up in one hand, and when her elbow slips and she nearly falls again, Olivia can't take it anymore. She stands up from her chair and marches to the door of her office, flinging it open harder than she had meant to and observing the surprised expressions on her squads' faces as she strides purposefully into the room.

Amanda's expression morphs from startled to wary as their eyes connect and hold, Olivia trying desperately to ascertain what is going on behind that guarded demeanor.

"Something wrong, Liv?" Fin asks with a furrowed brow, the older man sounding confused as he shuffles through a pile of papers in front of him.

"Nope," she relies tersely, and then makes a concerted effort to lighten her tone when she sees that the disbelief and dread on his features are being mirrored by the rest of the team. "I just need to talk to Rollins for a minute."

Olivia feels swamped with guilt as she watches the color drain from Amanda's already pale face, the younger woman closing her laptop and getting shakily to her feet. Everyone's eyes are fixed solely on the blonde now, Amanda's feet dragging as she walks slowly toward Olivia, looking like she would rather be anywhere else.

Olivia gives her what she hopes is a breezy smile as she holds the door open for her, a hand briefly touching a trembling shoulder as she ushers her inside. "Please sit down," she invites softly, gesturing welcomingly toward the couch and then shutting the blinds partway to give them some privacy.

She can tell Amanda is watching her actions closely as she sits hesitantly on the edge of the cushions, ocean blue eyes wide with anxiety. "What's going on, Liv? What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything," Olivia assures her quietly with another disarming smile, perching on the edge of her desk instead of sitting back down in her chair, so she can be closer to Amanda with no barriers between them. "I just wanted to chat."

"About what?" Amanda's voice is flat and defensive, as if she already knows precisely why her boss wants to speak to her and is determined to put a halt to the discussion before it even gets started.

"I just wanted to know how things have been going for the past while," Olivia says carefully as she leans forward slightly, wanting to reach out and take hold of the small, shuddering hand that is clenched into a fist in Amanda's lap.

"Everything is fine," Amanda answers tightly, her expression leery and her body language completely closed-off, her knees jiggling up and down as if she can't hold still.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," the detective snaps with a frown and a tilt of her head. "Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You don't look well, Amanda." Olivia attempts to soften this blunt response with a gentle tone of voice and another kind smile. "And you haven't looked well for a while now."

"Wow, thanks, Liv," Amanda replies dryly with a roll of her eyes. "So you interrupted my work on this case to tell me that I look like shit?"

Olivia chuckles in spite of the seriousness of the situation, shaking her head and rolling her own eyes in return. "Well, that's not exactly what I said, is it?"

"Close enough," Amanda growls without the least bit of mirth, crossing her arms over her chest and tapping one foot on the floor "I'm not sure what the point of this conversation is."

"I'm about to make my point," Olivia counters with a hint of hesitation and a spike of apprehension, watching as Amanda's eyebrows raise expectantly.

She steels herself for the inevitable eruption of anger and the lashing out that is sure to take place in the wake of her suggestion, but forges courageously ahead with what she needs to say, knowing it has to be done. "I think it might be best if you take another leave of absence."

She is met with dead silence at this announcement, Amanda staring at her like she has lost her mind, her mouth hanging open briefly before her jaw snaps shut so swiftly, Olivia can hear her teeth rattling together. "What the hell are you talking about?" she finally gasps out, both her voice and body shaking noticeably as she seems to be on the verge of losing control. "Are you crazy? Why on earth would I do something so ridiculous?"

"Watch your mouth, please," Olivia says evenly, her own jaw set rigidly now as she tries to remain patient and calm in the face of Amanda's unravelling emotions. "You're coming very close to insubordination with those words and that tone."

Amanda falls silent again, simply glaring up at her with a contorted expression that appears to be a combination of rage, confusion, and hurt, and Olivia rushes to explain herself before this encounter spirals any further out of control. "You haven't been yourself since everything with Adler and Bucci. You're losing weight and you're obviously exhausted, so I think I'm right to assume that you haven't been eating or sleeping properly. And to be honest, your work is suffering because of it. You're not quite as sharp as you used to be, both in the squad room and out in the field. And I know you haven't been back to therapy."

"Well, can you blame me?" Amanda's voice is so tight and offended, she sounds on the verge of an explosion, a red flush of indignation climbing up her neck and coloring her cheeks. "That sorry excuse for a detective abducted me right out of my therapy session and held me hostage! Did you expect me to just go waltzing right back there afterwards like everything was fine? Not to mention that I'm sure Dr. Hanover would be quite happy to never see me again after what I put her through."

"You didn't put her through anything," Olivia reminds her softly, getting to her feet and taking a step toward the slender, quivering blonde. "That was Frank Bucci, not you. You just said yourself that he abducted you right out of your session with her. So it's not your fault, is it?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a victim," Amanda spits out, the sheer amount of venom in her voice causing Olivia to step backward now. "How dare you call me in here to tell me that I have to take another leave of absence? After everything I went through with those men so we were able to save the actual victims and how damn hard I work every single day for this squad? And you're going to make me leave? This job is my life!"

"Excuse me?" There is steel in Olivia's voice now, her cool gaze fixed so intently on Amanda that she sees the younger woman wither slightly before her. "How dare I? How dare I care about you? I dare because I'm your boss, Amanda. And whether you like it or not, you are a victim. Frank Bucci held you against your will for a lengthy amount of time and I still don't know everything that happened while you were with him."

At this comment, Amanda's gaze slides away and fixes firmly on the floor, her shoulders hunching up to her ears and her hands now clenched so hard on her lap, her knuckles are white.

"I'm concerned that so much has occurred in such a short period of time, that you haven't been able to properly deal with it all. And I want to give you that time."

"Please don't act like you're doing me a favor." The anger is beginning to fade from Amanda's voice and she just sounds defeated at this point, her downcast eyes remaining resolutely glued to the ground. "And if you're not forcing me to take a leave of absence, then I'm not taking one." There is a strained pause as her eyes finally raise to meet Olivia's again, a storm of emotion playing out in the bottomless blue. "So are you?"

"Am I what?" Olivia whispers nearly inaudibly, lost in thought for a moment as they stare intensely at each other.

"Forcing me?"

There is something about the vulnerable way Amanda asks the question that has Olivia's heart racing sickeningly in her chest and her stomach twisting into a hard knot of trepidation. "No," she says softly, watching her detective's impassive face closely. "I'm not going to force you. But please consider this to be a gentle suggestion."

Amanda snorts loudly in response as she repeats the word "gentle" in a derisive tone, flapping a dismissive hand at her and rolling her eyes again.

"I didn't mean to just drop this bomb on you out of nowhere," Olivia explains quietly, deciding to take a chance and ease herself onto the couch beside Amanda, eager to diffuse the tension between them and not give in to the anger that is bubbling beneath the surface of her concern at the blatant disrespect and contempt Amanda is showing her. "I should have given you some warning first. And again, this is not an order. I'm not forcing you to do anything. I'm just putting it out there."

The other woman immediately shifts away on the cushions the second Olivia is seated, appearing to make sure that no part of her body is coming into contact with her captain's. Olivia takes note of this odd behavior, folding her hands in her lap and sitting still, her lips pursed and her brows drawn together in a frown, although her eyes linger keenly on Amanda's pinched features and closed-off demeanor.

"But let's be honest here, Amanda. Is what I'm suggesting really so shocking?"

"Yes," Amanda mutters through clenched teeth, refusing meet her compassionate gaze. "I thought everything was going well. I'm fine, Olivia."

"Are you really?" she questions tenderly, her hand lifting and hovering in the air for a moment, suddenly desperate to soothe her detective with physical affection.

Amanda looks so tiny and devastated huddled next to her, shaking like a leaf and a shell of her former self, that it is all Olivia can do not to reach out and pull the younger woman into her arms. Her hand drops down as she watches Amanda stiffen in response, even though she is still turned away and can't see her, as if the blonde knows exactly what she intends to do and is hellbent on putting a stop to it.

"Don't you dare touch me."

The pure ice in Amanda's tone has Olivia stifling a stunned gasp and rearing back like she has been slapped, wondering if she should get off the couch and put some distance between them, but ultimately deciding to remain seated. Her thoughts are a whirling mass of confusion, the stinging hurt automatically taking precedence over everything else, as she and Amanda have become so much closer over the years and she genuinely considers them to be good friends as well as colleagues.

But she pushes the hurt aside in favor of the concern that is heightening rapidly by the second at Amanda's startling reaction, which is proving to be much more dramatic than she had assumed it would be. She had known full well there was going to be a considerable amount of backlash at her recommendation of taking some extra time off, but this is quite a bit more than Olivia had banked on.

"I'm not going to touch you," she assures her softly, staring at the back of Amanda's head and willing her turn around so they can have this conversation face to face. "Why are you worried about that?"

"I'm not worried," Amanda scoffs after a weighty pause, shrugging her shoulders in a casual way but still facing in the opposite direction. "I just don't want to be touched right now."

"That's fair," Olivia replies in a steady tone, trying to keep her voice from shaking as she continues. "It's your right to decide whether or not to be touched."

"Is it?"

"Amanda," Olivia murmurs in concern, her heart rate picking up the pace even further as she bites down hard on her lower lip. "Of course of it is. Where is this coming from? Can you turn around and look at me, please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Her question is met with silence, Amanda sitting stock still on the cushions and Olivia staring attentively at her angled body until she can detect that slight tremble again. The tremble quickly morphs into full-blown shaking until the entire couch is moving with the force of Amanda's body, Olivia digging her fingernails into her palms as she debates what to do next.

"Do you want me to get off the couch and give you some space?" she finally asks, cocking her head to the side as she studies her detective and hoping Amanda will actually answer her this time.

There is another shrug in response, no words spoken, and Olivia tries to contain the simmering frustration and worry that is threatening to erupt like a volcano. "Have you forgotten how to speak?" she inquires lightly, attempting to inject a bit of levity into the conversation, even though she knows this really isn't the time for it.

There is a hitch in Amanda's breathing and Olivia frowns, shifting closer on the cushions before she can stop herself. She stifles the growing urge to reach out and touch the other woman in an effort to bring her some comfort, acknowledging that it will be a huge betrayal and breach of trust if she decides to act on something that Amanda has expressly told her not to do.

The detective's head is bowed low now and Olivia watches helplessly as Amanda leans forward until she is folded in on herself, wondering if she is crying. "Honey," she whispers imploringly, leaning slowly around Amanda to try to get a look at that stubborn face that is being obscured by a curtain of golden hair. "Please talk to me."

There is a shake of blonde tresses in response and the faintest of whimpers, Olivia moving closer yet again but still refraining from touching Amanda. "I don't know what's happening right now but I'm here for you, okay? If you need to talk about anything, it will stay between us."

"You can't promise that."

The response is so low and raspy that Olivia can barely hear it, relieved that Amanda is finally speaking to her. "Yes, I can," she answers firmly. "I promise you that whatever it is will stay between the two of us. You have my word."

There is another beat of silence, Amanda's voice wobbling fearfully when she speaks again. "I feel like I'm going to pass out."

"Lie back," Olivia instructs in alarm, shifting hurriedly to move out of the way so the detective can stretch out on the couch and won't be in danger of tumbling to the ground if she faints.

But before she can move, Amanda is falling backward on the cushions, Olivia's arms opening without thinking and the younger woman landing hard against her chest. Her arms close tightly around Amanda from behind, enveloping the smaller body protectively against her own and holding her up as best as she can, feeling the pounding of the blonde's heart and the shuddering of her limbs.

"Are you okay?" she demands frantically, unsure if Amanda has actually lost consciousness or not, and immense relief flooding through her when there is a slight nod against her shoulder.

"Alright, I'm just going to lay you down on the couch," Olivia explains in a somewhat harried tone, unsure of what's happening and attempting to shift as gently as possible from beneath Amanda's quivering form. "I know you don't want to be touched right now. I'm just going to get you settled and make sure you're comfortable, and then we can get you some medical attention."

"No," Amanda moans in return, making no effort to move out of Olivia's embrace despite her disdain for anything physical between them. "Please, Liv. I don't need medical attention. I didn't actually pass out. I just got really dizzy and then I felt too tired to sit up."

"Well, it still sounds like you need to see a doctor," Olivia says softly, halting her movements and sitting motionless on the cushions, cradling Amanda to her chest and uncertain of how to proceed from here. "If you're that dizzy and tired, then something clearly isn't right."

"I just need to get some sleep."

"So you're admitting that you haven't been sleeping well?" Olivia prods delicately, trying to peer around Amanda's shoulder to see her face when she turns her head away again, her heart sinking at the answer.

"I haven't been sleeping at all."

"Why not, sweetheart?"

The ensuing silence stretches out for so long, Olivia doesn't think a response is forthcoming, when Amanda finally speaks in a weak, choked, voice. "Because I'm too scared to sleep."

*Song lyrics are from Coldplay's "Fix You"