This story has turned out to be longer than I had intended - there will probably be one more chapter after this one.
There is a slight trigger warning for a discussion at the end of the chapter, but there will be major ones for the next chapter.
Thank you for the few lovely, heartfelt comments that have been left on this story and "SVU Snippets" - I appreciate them so much!
To Olivia's surprise, Amanda makes no effort to move out of her embrace after her confession of being too scared to sleep. She continues to hold the smaller woman protectively against her chest, hoping Amanda won't balk at being cradled in her captain's arms but ready to pull away if she does.
"I'm so sorry you've been too scared to sleep," Olivia murmurs into her ear, her thoughts racing with all of the potential reasons for this issue. "Do you want to talk about why that is?"
As expected, she feels Amanda stiffen in response to her question and begin struggling to escape, without giving an answer.
"Careful, honey, just give me a second to move, okay?" Olivia commands softly, trying to ignore the hurt and disappointment she feels as she gently eases herself out from beneath her detective's flailing body. "We don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to, but don't hurt yourself because you want to get away from me. Just relax right here on the couch and I'll go sit behind my desk, okay? Please lie down if you're still feeling too tired and dizzy to sit up properly. You're safe here."
Olivia sits back down in her chair, watching Amanda closely as the detective regards her with a somewhat suspicious gaze before lying slowly across the cushions, curling onto her side and tucking her knees up to her chest. She is about to suggest that Amanda go home for the day, aware that this line of conversation might land her right back where she had started, with an enraged and defensive subordinate on her hands, when she sees the blonde's eyelids flutter shut.
Olivia is shocked when light snoring fills the room a moment later, staring at the frail, slumbering woman on her couch before glancing at the details of their latest case on her computer screen, knowing that her attention is needed there. She hesitantly types out a couple of sentences on the keyboard, loathe to disturb Amanda while she is getting some much-needed rest, and determined to be as quiet as possible for however long Amanda requires it.
She is surprised at how easily Amanda had fallen asleep in her office, right after proclaiming that she was too scared to do so; the evidence of her severe sleep-deprivation written all over her face on a daily basis. Olivia can't help feeling somewhat uplifted and heart-warmed by this unexpected turn of events; that obviously Amanda trusts her and feels safe with her, despite the bitter argument they had engaged in several minutes prior.
She also can't help feeling a hint of relief that perhaps she hasn't damaged their hard-won friendship after all; admitting that being buddies with her detective isn't nearly as important as acting like her boss, but acknowledging that she is only human and she cherishes what they have together. It has been a long and difficult road to get to where they are now; years of disagreements and resentment and more than a few terrible situations finally giving way to camaraderie and trust and maybe even love.
Olivia doesn't have many people she is close to in her life outside of the precinct and feels extremely lucky to have her squad. The compassion and protectiveness she feels toward every single one of them, particularly Amanda who has had to overcome so many obstacles and continues to put forth every ounce of effort into her job, overwhelms her at times.
Her main goal as captain is to keep her squad safe above all else, and her heart aches with the knowledge that she has been unable to do this for Amanda; that time and time again, the younger woman has been caught up in traumatic circumstances that have spiraled beyond Olivia's control and left her with the guilt and despair of not being able to save her from more suffering. And with everything that has occurred over the past few months, she feels more powerless than ever when it comes to making sure that Amanda is not only okay but is thriving.
She is acutely aware of how much Amanda needs medical attention at the moment, her claims of being too exhausted and dizzy to sit up bothering Olivia to no end, but after giving it some thought, she decides to just let her rest. Sleep is more important than anything else right now, for Amanda's physical and mental state, and she feels a sense of calm come over her as she watches her detective slumber peacefully.
This is the most serene she can recall seeing Amanda in recent memory; perhaps ever. The younger woman is not usually one to relax, especially when things aren't going well in her life, and Olivia hopes she will be able to give her a few hours of stress-free rest without the worry of their case or anything else.
She is quite serious about guarding Amanda's sleep and privacy, ushering members of her squad away from the door anytime she sees someone approaching her office through the half-open blinds. Olivia makes sure to briefly explain that Amanda isn't feeling well and she is giving her some time to rest, brushing aside any concerns that arise for the blonde's health. She feels a twinge of guilt particularly when it comes to ignoring Fin's worries about the younger woman, knowing how close they are and how much he looks out for her, but she is adamant that whatever is going on with Amanda will stay between the two of them, at least for now.
When darkness has fallen and the rest of the squad has left for the day, Olivia's stomach growling with hunger, she closes her laptop and rubs her eyes tiredly as she leans back in her chair. Her shoulders ache and she feels a tension headache coming on, knowing it's well past time to find some food for both herself and her detective. She is stunned that Amanda is still asleep after all these hours, the small blonde curled up like a child beneath the blanket that Olivia had gently covered her with earlier, her soft snoring providing a strangely calming background noise while she had tied up the details of their latest case.
She studies the slumbering form of her friend for a moment, wondering whether or not to wake her, when Amanda ends up making that decision for her. The switch from peaceful to frantic is abrupt and chilling, Amanda snoozing quietly one second and her delicate features twisted into an expression of sheer terror the next.
Olivia is up and out of her chair by the time Amanda has thrown off the blanket and is writhing in agony on the couch, a petrified whimper emerging from her lips. Her heart shatters at the tearful pleas emitting from the other woman's mouth and her brow wrinkling in utter bewilderment as she listens to Amanda begging someone not to climb out of a photograph.
With absolutely no clue what this means, Olivia crouches down beside the couch and lays a tender hand on Amanda's arm, shaking her lightly. "Hey, honey, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Whatever is happening in your head right now isn't real. It's okay, you're safe."
She watches as Amanda's eyelids fly open in panic and her head thrashes from side to side as she looks wildly at her surroundings, no recognition on her face. When their gazes meet and lock, it takes several seconds for Amanda to seem to know who she is, Olivia giving her a gentle smile in return and backing slightly away from the couch so she is not overwhelmed or fearful by her close proximity.
The hurt and concern is still lingering from their earlier conversation, when Amanda had been so insistent about not being touched, and she keeps that in mind as she allows the younger woman time to get her bearings. Olivia knows it won't be long until the inevitable embarrassment kicks in and she sees a dark blush spreading across Amanda's cheeks a moment later.
"What's going on? Why am I in your office? What time is it?" The frantic questions come spilling out one right after the other, just as Olivia has predicted, Amanda sitting straight up on the cushions now and looking as if she is about to leap to her feet and flee the room.
"It's pretty late," Olivia explains calmly, rocking backward on her heels to give Amanda some extra space. "You fell asleep after the discussion we had several hours ago and I didn't want to wake you, since you've been so lacking in sleep."
"Several...several hours?" Amanda repeats her words in a horrified tone, her blush darkening even further and her blue eyes widening with mortification. "You should have woken me up! I can't believe you let me sleep the day away in here!"
She whirls around on the couch to get a look out the window at the now-empty squad room, her brows deeply furrowed when she turns back. "Oh god, I can just imagine what the team has been saying about me all this time, sleeping for the whole day like a lazy bum while they worked."
"They didn't say anything beyond expressing their concern about how you were feeling," Olivia replies with firm assurance. "And I let you sleep because you needed it so desperately, Amanda. If you recall, you were too tired and dizzy to even sit up while we were talking earlier."
The reminder of their discussion causes Amanda to fall silent, her gaze sliding away and her hands clenched in her lap, Olivia wondering if things are going to play out exactly the same way as they did before. She wants Amanda to keep communicating with her and not shut down again, slipping off her knees into a cross-legged position on the floor despite the protests from her spine.
"I know you weren't feeling very chatty when we last spoke, but do you want to tell me what you were dreaming about?" Olivia asks softly, watching Amanda closely and observing the distinct expression of shame that washes over face. "You were saying something that I didn't understand...something about someone in a photograph? What did that mean? You were telling them to stay inside the photo and not come out. It didn't make sense to me but maybe it does to you. Does it mean something or was it just part of the nightmare?"
All of the color drains from Amanda's skin, much like it had in the squad room when Olivia had first approached her to attempt a conversation about what has been going on for the past few months. It seems to take her a moment to find her voice, her body language defensive as she shifts away on the cushions to the other end of the couch.
"I don't really remember. I think it was just a weird part of the nightmare."
Olivia quirks an eyebrow at her without responding, Amanda's reaction and tone so unconvincing that she nearly lets out a loud sigh of frustration. It has always been akin to pulling teeth to get any kind of personal information out of Amanda when it comes to the traumatic events in her life, and this situation is proving to be no different.
Olivia knows she will have to remain as patient as possible if she wants Amanda to start opening up to her in any way and decides on an alternate tactic for now. "You must be starving after all this time. What do you say we get out of here and find somewhere to eat? Is there anything in particular you're in the mood for?"
"Thanks, Liv, but I'm not hungry. I should probably be getting home."
Olivia is disappointed but not surprised at Amanda's reply, simply nodding her head as she gets to her feet and stretching out her tight muscles as she gazes down at her detective. "Are you sure? There's a new Italian place that just opened up around the corner that's supposed to be quite good. I could really go for a big bowl of spaghetti and some garlic bread right about now."
Amanda gives her a faint smile that doesn't reach her eyes, standing up beside her with somewhat clumsy movements. "Knock yourself out, Liv. I'll join you next time. But thanks for the invite."
"How are you feeling after getting some sleep?" Olivia questions gently, not quite ready to part ways with Amanda for the night. "Are you feeling any better? Is the dizziness gone?"
"I feel fine," Amanda says with a casual shrug, apparently forgetting about collapsing into her boss' arms earlier in the day. "Thanks for letting me get some sleep. I shouldn't have freaked out about that. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then?"
There is an unmistakable amount of tension and hope in her inquiry, Olivia detecting a note of fear in her voice as well, like Amanda is afraid she is going to be told in no uncertain terms to take another leave of absence. She figures this decision and the ensuing discussion is best left alone for the time being, and not something to delve into at the end of a long and trying day.
She merely nods and smiles genuinely in return, telling Amanda that she will see her in the morning and wishing her a good night, resisting the urge to pull her into a comforting hug. Olivia feels uneasy about letting the other woman out of her sight, knowing she is going home to any empty apartment, but is at a loss on what to do about it right now.
So much has been left unsaid and there are so many disturbing thoughts running circles in Olivia's mind, that she almost begs Amanda to come back to her place with her. But already knowing what the answer will be and remembering the way Amanda's voice had sounded when the word "force" had come up in conversation, Olivia keeps her mouth shut and ends up going to the Italian restaurant by herself.
Later that night, she is snuggled beneath a blanket on the couch with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn, a lighthearted romantic comedy playing on Netflix. Olivia is not really paying attention to the movie, the silly antics of the characters on the screen providing background noise rather than entertainment, as she can't seem to get her mind off Amanda long enough to concentrate on anything else.
She has picked up her phone from the coffee table and scrolled through her contacts to Amanda's name countless times since arriving home, trying to decide whether to call or text her or just leave her be. Finally, Olivia heaves a sigh of resignation and puts the phone down, pressing a button on the remote to turn the TV off and start gathering up her dishes to bring into the kitchen. It's nearing midnight now and far too late to be bothering Amanda, especially if she has managed to get some more sleep once she had gotten home.
Olivia is already clad in a pair of cozy flannel pajamas, and all she has to do is brush her teeth and wash her face, and this convoluted day will finally be over. Only a few more minutes until she can burrow under the covers of her comfortable bed and doze off into dreamland. She is just switching off the lights in the living room and kitchen and is ready to head into the bathroom, when there is a soft knock on the front door.
Olivia tilts her head in surprise, wondering if she has imagined the noise at this late hour, when her eyelids are drooping with fatigue and she can practically hear her bed calling her name. She pads cautiously to the door, feeling a twinge of nervousness when the knock sounds again, this time more insistently.
Peering with trepidation through the peephole, she is stunned to see Amanda standing there as if she has conjured her out of thin air, the other woman still dressed in her work clothes, her hair mussed and her face pale. "Amanda!" she exclaims in concern, swinging the door open to reveal her somewhat sheepish subordinate. "What are you doing here? It's so late!"
"Sorry," Amanda murmurs as Olivia quickly ushers her inside and takes note of how cold she is, no coat to be seen and the detective shivering violently. "I didn't know where else to go."
"What do you mean?" Olivia inquires softly, leading her over to the couch and grabbing the blanket that she had discarded before draping it around Amanda's quivering shoulders. "I thought you were going home after we left the precinct."
"I did." Amanda shrugs and stares down at the floor, twisting her hands together in her lap. "But it was so dark and quiet and it felt unnerving. I turned the TV on as a distraction and kept drifting off to sleep."
"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?" Olivia prods gently, taking a seat on the coffee table in front of her so their knees are grazing, longing to reach out to take Amanda's clenched hands into her own and give them a comforting squeeze. "More sleep can only do you good, right?"
"But every time I fell asleep, I kept having those nightmares again..." Amanda trails off and finally looks right at her, Olivia swallowing back a gasp at the anguish in her eyes. "I was scared and didn't want to be alone. I thought about heading over to Fin's or Carisi's, but then I decided that I didn't really want to be with anyone but you."
Olivia blinks in shock at this statement and then leans forward so they are eye to eye, their gazes locked intently. "Do you want to sleep here tonight?"
Amanda nods slowly as one corner of her mouth lifts in what might actually pass for a smile. "Yeah, if that's okay."
"It's fine," Olivia assures her gently, smiling back at her and gesturing toward her room. "I just put clean sheets on the bed, so you can sleep in there. I'll stay on the couch for the night."
"No, Liv, my intention wasn't to kick you out of your own bed," Amanda protests immediately with Olivia holding up a hand to stop her.
"You're not kicking me out, I'm offering. I'm more than happy to stay right here. It's a very comfortable couch. I've fallen asleep here plenty of times and always woken up refreshed." This isn't exactly true, but Amanda's comfort is more important than her own right now so Olivia just goes with it.
Amanda gazes at her doubtfully, her expression gradually softening into one of both gratitude and shame. "Okay, thank you." There is a pause, the other woman chewing at her bottom lip as if she is gearing up to say more. "Liv, I'm really sorry about the way I treated you today. I know you were just trying to help and I didn't react well."
"No, you didn't," Olivia agrees in return, but her tone is soft and she gives Amanda another kind smile. "I understand why you acted that way, though. I know it was shocking to have the possibility of another leave of absence just dropped on you like that out of nowhere, so I probably could have gone about it in a better way. But I accept your apology."
They sit there smiling tenderly at one another for a moment and Olivia feels a wave of relief wash over her, that not only does their friendship appear to be intact but that Amanda had sought her out before anyone else. She remembers how Amanda had instantly drifted off to sleep in her office earlier that day, after divulging that she was too scared to sleep, and Olivia feels a tendril of warmth unfurl in her heart at how safe the blonde must feel with her.
There is also a tinge of hope lingering beneath her other emotions, that Amanda might finally open up about her experiences with Adler and Bucci after all this time of dealing with everything alone. Maybe the younger woman has had enough of the secrecy and the nightmares and just wants to unburden herself to someone who will simply listen without judgment and provide comfort and care in return.
Olivia wants so desperately to be this person for Amanda, but figures it is far too late to begin delving into these heavy subjects tonight and will be much better to start fresh in the morning. She stands up from the coffee table and tells Amanda that she will find a suitable pair of pajamas for her, and that she thinks there is an extra toothbrush somewhere under the sink in the bathroom that she can use during her stay.
Olivia expects Amanda to follow her as she heads out of the room, but realizes that the blonde is still slumped on the couch and has made no effort to move. She turns to look at her detective quizzically and spots that same blush of embarrassment on her cheeks that she had seen in her office earlier.
"Amanda? What's wrong, honey?"
"Um... I..." Amanda seems to be struggling to find the right words, Olivia quickly striding back into living room to hover over her with concern.
"What is it, sweetheart? It's okay, you can tell me."
Amanda looks up at her, ocean blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears and an uncertain expression on her face. "Do you have a big bed?"
"Yes, it's a decent size. It's a queen." Olivia can see where this conversation is going and she smiles encouragingly at Amanda. "There's enough room for two, if that's what you're asking. I don't mind if we share."
The blatant relief and appreciation on Amanda's face is nearly enough to bring Olivia to tears herself, the smaller woman seemingly desperate not to have to spend the night alone. Several minutes later, they are tucked side by side in Olivia's bed, teeth brushed and faces washed, Amanda wearing the smallest pair of pajamas that Olivia was able to find, although she is still swimming in them.
This brings to mind her severe weight loss once more, as Olivia gazes at Amanda in the midnight darkness, her profile just barely visible in the thin stream of moonlight peeking through the curtains. Again, she bites her tongue and makes a concerted effort to hold back the waterfall of worries that are threatening to burst free, determined not to stress Amanda out with any further attempts at serious conversation until they are fully awake with a pot of coffee at the ready.
She can't help but notice how much Amanda is still shivering, though, remarking on it lightly and asking why she hadn't worn a jacket.
"I don't know," Amanda mumbles in reply. "I guess I just didn't think about it."
"You didn't think about it? It's winter, honey. It's freezing out there."
"I don't know what to tell you, Liv. I guess I've just got a lot on my mind."
"I know you do," Olivia says softly, catching herself before she reaches out to lay a hand on Amanda's arm, still hesitant about touching her even though they are now sharing a bed. "I won't ask if you want to talk about anything, though. We should probably just try to get some sleep."
They lapse into silence, Olivia's eyelids closing gratefully as the beckoning arms of slumber wind around her body and hold her in a secure embrace, promising to tug her into blissful unconsciousness within minutes. She is nearly asleep, the beginning of a pleasant dream playing out in her mind, when Amanda suddenly speaks into the darkness and jolts her awake.
"I inhaled."
Olivia's eyelids fly open and she turns her head on the pillow to look at Amanda, finding the other woman staring straight back at her with wide blue orbs glittering in the moonlight.
"The DMT," Amanda clarifies when she doesn't answer right away. "When I was with Dr. Adler. I lied to you. I inhaled it."
"Okay." Olivia tries to keep her tone even and non-judgmental as she struggles into a sitting position on the mattress, trying to shake the impending sleep from her brain. "I kind of figured. You were acting pretty strangely, staring up at that hawk on the ceiling in the bedroom. Why did you lie to me?"
"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to get in trouble." Amanda sounds like a school girl who is afraid to be caught smoking by the teacher, and Olivia can't help the tired smirk that pulls at her lips in response. "I was pretty fucked up, Liv."
Olivia chuckles at this confession and is relieved to hear Amanda joining in with her laughter, the lighthearted moment breaking the awkwardness that has enveloped them for the majority of the day. But the heaviness of the situation soon settles around them again, Olivia watching Amanda's face closely as she tries to decide how to proceed from here, not wanting to bring up the topic of disciplinary action when the detective is finally opening up to her.
She knows Amanda was in a very tense environment with Dr. Adler and his students and she is willing to let this one go, much more concerned and curious with what had happened in Bucci's presence. But she lets Amanda take the lead with this conversation, wanting to her to feel free to talk about whatever she needs to without worrying what her boss' reaction will be. She hopes that by starting out with the easier topic of Dr. Adler, it will gradually lead into the details of her abduction and Olivia will finally be able to stop wondering what had occurred when Amanda was with Bucci.
"The drugs...they were awful, Liv. I've never felt that way in my entire life, even though it wasn't my first time doing something like that. They did things to my brain."
"What kind of things?" Olivia asks softly, shifting closer to her beneath the covers and watching as Amanda's lower lip quivers with emotion, feeling a sharp stab of guilt for laughing.
"They made me see things that weren't there. Well, a person, more specifically."
"Who?" Olivia questions with mounting dread, the knot that has been residing in her stomach pulling even tighter and her heart racing in her chest, any thoughts of sleep completely dissipating now. "Who did you see?"
"Charles Patton."
"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry." Olivia swallows hard against the lump that has risen in her throat. "That must have been such a terrifying thing to experience."
Amanda nods in response, shivering so vigorously now that Olivia can feel the bed moving underneath them, and she is unsure if it's due to being outside without a coat or the current subject matter, or if it's a combination of both. She is aware of Amanda inching closer to her on clean sheets that smell of jasmine and vanilla, and Olivia decides to take a chance, thinking her offer will be better received this time.
"Can I hold you, sweetheart?"
Amanda nods again and crumples into her arms just as Olivia reaches out for her, and she pulls the tiny, quivering form snugly against her, feeling Amanda's arms wrap around her in return. It's as if the detective can't get close enough to her now and Olivia readily obliges her sudden need for physical comfort, tightening her grip and tucking Amanda's head beneath her chin. She rocks them back and forth for a moment, neither of them speaking as Olivia soaks up some comfort of her own from the other woman's embrace before leaning their entwined forms back into the pile of fluffy pillows.
"Please keep going," Olivia urges gently, resting her cheek against tangled strands of blonde hair scented with winter wind and woodsmoke.
"I decided to look up Patton on my computer when I got home that night. By that point, I thought I had seen him out of the corner of my eye a few times and although it creeped me out, it got me thinking about him. Some articles popped up from when he was here in New York with Reese Taymor, his trial and stuff. And as I was reading, I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened back in Atlanta and all of a sudden..."
"What?" Olivia breathes, hanging on every word even though she feels like she might be sick, pulling Amanda impossibly closer and holding onto her as if she can shield her from something that has already taken place. "What happened?"
"Well, there was a picture of him with the article, dressed up in his uniform," Amanda explains haltingly, and Olivia can feel the other woman's heart pounding frantically against her. "And he climbed right out of the picture, Liv. Right out of my computer. One second, he was just this tiny person on the screen and the next second, he was there with me in my room, larger than life. And he pushed me onto my bed. I couldn't get away. It was like it was happening all over again."
Olivia gazes into the darkness in horror as Amanda's confusing words after the nightmare in her office suddenly make sense to her now. "Jesus, Amanda."
"But that wasn't the worst part."
"What was it?" Olivia closes her eyes briefly, steeling herself for whatever is to come next.
"When it happened for real."
"Wait, what? What are you talking about, honey?" She pulls back to stare at Amanda in bewildered alarm, goosebumps popping out along the length of her arms and the hair on the back of her neck standing on end.
"Not with Patton again, obviously. After the drugs wore off, I knew it wasn't real. I knew he hadn't actually come out of my computer screen and attacked me in my room." Amanda rolls her eyes and shakes her head in apparent disgust at her behavior, and Olivia holds her breath as she waits for her to finish speaking.
"I mean when it happened with Bucci."