Thank you to everyone for your kind reviews. Sorry this one has been a bit delayed, life has been very busy the past couple of weeks.

Two days after my horrific date I'm down at Sea Tac with both of my children, Hope, Sawyer and Taylor. The jet has been prepared for our visit to Georgia which Ana's mom has managed to keep to for the first time. I'm not especially excited to spend the entire weekend with her and Bob, but I know that Ana would want her kids to have a relationship with her mom.

I have Teddy balanced on one hip as our ID is checked. Hope is rocking Rose who is screaming at the top of her tiny lungs. She is teething and having a horrible time of it. Both of her little cheeks are red. I lean over to kiss her head, where her brown hair is coming through thicker. It doesn't soothe her screaming.

I mount the steps, setting Teddy down and moving to take Rose from Hope so I can sit her on my lap and let Hope buckle up my eldest. "Hey, darling," I say soothingly as I rub her back, knowing that a flight where her ears will undoubtedly pop is really not going to help this.

I look around the jet for the first time, with its cream decor and luxury leather seats. The last time I was on here was with Ana. We took a weekend trip to New York. I feel that familiar knotting in my stomach. I have enough to worry about taking a flight with two small children, I don't have time to be anxious right now.

Teddy covers his ears as we take off and Rose continues to scream at the top of her lungs. I bounce her on my lap to try and soothe her distress. It definitely isn't working. "Baby girl," I whisper, bouncing her in a standing position as the plane starts to level out.

"She can have some more Tylenol now," Hope tells me, checking her watch as she passes me the bottle. I settle Rose against me, pouring a spoonful and guiding it into her little mouth. She manages a very small smile as she takes the medicine.

"Is that yummy, baby?" I murmur tickling her tummy a little. She seems momentarily distracted from her screaming and manages to give me a smile. I can see the bottom two teeth rupturing from her gum. Growing teeth looks to be a painful business. I kiss her hair as Hope passes Teddy a picture book and starts to read aloud with him.

"Ga!" She tells me loudly, her beautiful eyes wide as she gazes at me. They're definitely turning from blue now. I think a grey like mine. I carefully wipe her tears with a tissue as I pick up a book for her. It's a touchy feely one and this amuses her for the next few minutes, before she eventually settles to sleep in my arms.

The plane lands around 5 hours later. Rose woke up after about an hour and screamed for the majority of the rest of the journey. Teddy, like any near 3 year old, got unremarkably restless two hours in. I see the five hour flight with toddlers reflected back in Hope's eyes as we disembark at Hilton Head. As we're taken into the private lounge I check my phone. Around 50 messages, 3 that are pretty important. Well two but one extra that matters to me.

Mom

Hi Christian, hope you will have had a safe flight and arrived in Georgia. Just wanted you to be aware I've just spoken to Elliott and him and Kate have broken up. I have very little details but thought you should know. Text me when you can so I know you're safe. I love you xx

Carla

Hey Chris, I've booked us a table at The Olde Pink House for 7. See you there

Emily

Hello Christian. I wanted to say I hope you're okay. If you ever need to talk, let me know. Xx

Fucking hell. Should have checked this during the flight. It's 5.30pm now, so we need to head straight into Savannah to meet Carla. I am covered in Rose's tears and snot from the flight. I would love a shower, but I guess that isn't happening. And since when does she call me Chris? Fucking hell. Then Elliott and Kate broke up? Well, Ana saw that coming at least. I'll deal with that problem later. And Emily still wants to talk to me? Hell, she must be even weirder than me.

I speak to Taylor to arrange getting into Savannah, bouncing a now quiet Rose on my hip. Hope has Teddy's hand. Taylor has rented us two Mercedes G Classes and I am pretty sure I can hear Sawyer swearing trying to fit Rose's car seat into it. Taylor looks wildly amused as he watches, apparently having got Teddy's in with ease.

I pass Rose to Hope, going to investigate. "Everything okay?" My tone matches Taylor's amusement.

"Sorry sir, I think you need a master's in engineering to get these in," Sawyer says standing, checking the car seat is secure. I lean in to check. The ISOfix is definitely in right.

"Taylor, do you want to take me and the kids to meet Carla? Then Swayer if you and Hope go back to the hotel," I suggest. It's been a long day for everyone. I had really hoped we wouldn't be heading out tonight. I desperately want my bed.

"Sir," Sawyer says as we walk back to the kids. I scoop Teddy up to settle him in his seat as Hope buckles up Rose. I climb in the front with Taylor. Carla has sent me a much longer email with details around what she would like to do this weekend. I roll my eyes at my phone.

"Problem?" Taylor asks as I peer over into the back of the car. Rose is moments from sleep, her eyes are heavy. Teddy is gazing at his tablet, watching an episode of Bob the Builder.

"No," I say at first. "Well yes, really. Just a lot of non kid friendly activities," I mutter, scrolling through my phone. "We've been flying all day," I add.

"Such as?" Taylor asks me. I know he will be planning to scout out potential security issues tonight.

"Ghost tour tomorrow night on a horse and carriage. Beach all day. Drinks at a cocktail bar?" I say exasperated. "Need I continue?" I ask.

Taylor chuckles. "The beach should be okay?" He suggests to me.

"Maybe. But she'll be there all day. They'll be bored. And I can't take them to a cocktail bar. So they'll be stuck in the hotel. Am I supposed to be socialising with her alone? I mean if Ana was here…" I trail off. Yes, I could imagine Ana and her mom getting drinks like they did that first time I came down here to see her. But just me and Ana's mom getting drinks? That's going to be weird right?

I'm aware my knee is shaking a little in the front of the car and I take a quick gasp of air. Taylor glances across at me. He's busy watching the road again a millisecond later. "Breathe. Just breathe," he says firmly to me. I don't know if I can be sociable with Ana's mom without her. I'm usually good with people, confident. But I want to hide behind her right now and I can't. I chew a thumbnail, focusing on my breathing. I have to do this. She can't help me.

The Olde Pink House is supposed to be one of the most haunted places in Savannah, which is a feat given from what I already know from Ana and her mom, it's supposed to be pretty haunted in general. Ana brought me here once when we came to visit her mom a year or so back. So much has changed. I take a deep breath as I step out of the car. I can't see Carla at first.

I scoop a sleeping Rose out as Taylor assembles her pram, which is forward facing so I can see her as I push her around. I place her in the pram, buckling her up as Taylor picks up Teddy for me. He is awake but looks pretty tired. Taylor locks the car as I hear Carla.

"Christian," she's waving at me as she hurries across the parking lot. She's in a brown summery top with slacks. She doesn't have the haunted look Ray always has, that he just lost his daughter. She looks sun kissed and bright. People grieve differently, I remind myself as she embraces me far too tightly.

She kisses my cheek as I give her a tight smile. "Hi Carla, it's good to see you," I say politely.

"I didn't expect you to bring the children tonight," she comments looking at Teddy sat in Taylor's arms. I give Taylor a sideways glance.

"Well they have just flown several thousand miles to see you," I say slowly looking down at my sleeping daughter.

"She's so big now," Carla says as she reaches down, unbuckling Rose and picking her up. Of course it wakes her. Fucking brilliant. Rose starts screaming loudly, partly I think from teething and partly because she's woken up in a strange place being held by a total stranger. "Oh dear," Carla says as we head towards the door. I glance at Taylor again who looks equally unimpressed.

"I'll go wait at the bar," Taylor says as we're led to our table, Carla still holding my screaming daughter.

"Oh no, you must join us," she places a hand on Taylor's shoulder. He looks at me and I shrug.

Our table is so public but fortunately, no one really seems to know who I am out here. Well they wouldn't. Except Ana's mom insists on telling everyone I am her daughter's widow. Loudly. Apparently everyone knows her here.

My heart is thumping so loud I'm sure the people around can hear as they offer their consolations to me. I try to busy myself settling Teddy. I quickly take Rose from Carla so she can hug all her friends. Taylor sits next to Carla's spot, clearly on high alert as we are surrounded. I sit with Rose in my lap, elbow on the table as I rest my forehead against my sweaty palm. Focus, Grey, focus. You can do this.

Teddy is watching me, holding a fork he's picked up from the table. My breathing is coming so fast. There are so many people. And they're all talking about Ana. Sharing memories. Sharing her mom's heartbreak. Trying to share in mine. It's so hot. When did it get so hot? My daughter is screaming. Then I can hear Ana screaming through all the noise. Those last noises as she started pushing Rose out. I'm going to black out. Fuck.

I stand, blood rushing into my head and practically throw my daughter to Taylor. I find a back door and head into the street, sitting on a wall, panting like I've run a marathon, not just a few metres. I hug my knees desperately. Don't pass out. Just breathe. Breathe. I pull my phone out, loading up a mindful app Flynn recommended. I watch the particles grow smaller and larger as I focus on my breaths.

"What's going on with you, good-looking?" I hear Carla's voice and it feels like spiders running down my back. In reality, it's probably just cold sweat.

"Nothing," I say quickly, putting my phone in my pocket. I stand up quickly.

She does look concerned at least. Although she has just basically hit on her daughter's widow so we'll perhaps save any gratitude at this point. "You don't look so good," she comments.

"I'm fine. It's the heat. I'm not used to it," I lie quickly. My family know I have problems. Gail and Taylor. Flynn. I'm not advertising this any further. I quickly head for the door to go back in, sitting down at our table. People are back at their own tables, but definitely not minding their own business.

Taylor looks worried. Partly for my mental health and partly I was left without security. This is why he wanted to bring Sawyer on this trip I know. But it's fine. Savannah is tiny. I'm safe. Physically at least. Mentally I have a dinner with Ana's mother to get through without my beautiful wife to help me. Push that thought out. You're an adult. Get a grip.

Taylor seems to have worked some miracle with Rose as she is now settled and he has got her in a high chair. I grab the baby bag from the stroller, passing Teddy a picture book to look at and removing the cutlery from his fingers, placing it back on the table. "You're very hands on now," Carla comments. I have to be. They don't have a mother. If I don't do it, they'll be raised by a nanny. Ana would hate that. I don't say any of this, just give her another tight smile. What does she know about raising kids? From everything Ana told me, Ray did all the heavy lifting.

I don't have anything to say so I look at the menu. I know she is watching me. I look up, tilting my head to one side. What does she want from me? She probably wants you to talk, says that irritating little voice in the back of my head. Yeah and say what? When did I get so fucking awkward?

"So how's Bob?" I ask as casually as I can manage, determined to hide my anxiety.

"I'm divorcing him," she says calmly. What? Why? She wasn't the other week when she couldn't come up to Seattle because of him. Is husband number five on the scene? That's two failed relationships I have found out about in one day. And for some reason it really pisses me off. Do they not understand how special love is? What it's like to have it ripped away from you?

I glance slightly across to Taylor who is nonchalantly reading the menu. "I'm sorry," I say slowly, relief washing over me as the waiter arrives to take our order. I order the filet mignon and get the fried chicken with macaroni and cheese for Teddy.

"Are you not getting an appetiser?" Carla asks me in surprise as I shake my head. Oh great, is she getting one? This will delay our exit out of here and to bed. She orders the oysters to start and the salmon for her main. Taylor places his order as the waiter takes our menus. "You're not having a glass of wine?" She asks me as I shake my head.

"It's been a long day," I say firmly. Drinking here and now is definitely a situation where I feel I may be unable to stop. Not that Carla knows anything about this and I certainly don't plan on telling her. I want to ask more about Bob but I don't have the energy.

"A long day is why you drink," she tells me as I shrug. This is going to be one long weekend. "So how are things your way?"

"Um, well," I say slowly. Fucking shit. Really fucking shit. I'm depressed. Anxious on another level. I've just found out I may have some form of erectile dysfunction. And my wife is dead. I don't say any of this. "Busy." It's not a lie. My head is fucking busy.

"Have you been back at work?" She asks me as I nod.

"A few months now," I say as our drinks are brought out. I sip my lemonade, helping Teddy with his juice.

"Have you been stress eating?" She asks me as I look up abruptly from helping Teddy.

"Excuse me?" I ask her sharply. Who the fuck does she think she is?

"Well, you've put on a lot of weight," she continues. Taylor looks horrified. I sure am glad I skipped an appetiser. I know I've put on weight, but less than half a stone. I've just stopped working out, that's what makes me look different. It's not like I have anyone to impress anyway. And I know I am by no means fat. Just not as toned as I used to be. Hell. What business is it to her anyway?

"I'm fine. I'm still a healthy weight," I say stiffly. I know because Flynn checked because he was concerned the meds would make me gain weight. Maybe they have. Who gives a fuck?

"Oh. I just wonder if it's now you have no one to… impress," she comments. No shit, Sherlock. "I'm sure you'd say the same if Ana had put weight on."

"I'd have loved it if Ana put weight on," I spit back. "But it was her body, her choice." Jeez, am I… growing up? Realising that Ana was her own human being? This bereavement is making me a lot more considerate. Carla's appetiser arrives and I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I walk into the men's room. It's deserted so I lean against a wall by the window, my breathing coming fast. It's not anxiety. It's anger. How can Ana have been so lovely when she was raised by this… bitch? I glance at myself in the mirror. My jaw bone is perhaps a bit less defined. Maybe there is a centimetre around the top of my jeans. No more. I could do to work out, I know I could. But I have no energy to get up and go to work. The thought of hitting the gym kills me.

I deliberately rumple my hair before heading back out where our mains have been served. I carefully cut Teddy's food, aware Carla is watching me intently. I ignore her, letting Taylor pick up the conversational ball for a while. I eat my steak quickly, keen to get out of here and home.

Carla insists on hugging me goodnight. I feel myself tense as she wraps her arms around me. "Still not one for hugging?" She asks me brightly as I give her something akin to a smile but I suspect more like a grimace.

We're staying at The Drayton Hotel and when we arrive it is gone 10pm. I have a sleeping Teddy in my arms while Taylor carries a sleeping Rose for me. I tap the key to the suite, letting Taylor come in and settle Rose in the crib before bidding him goodnight. I text Hope, saying I'll get the kids ready and we'll meet around 9. I place Teddy in his bed before heading to my room in the suite.

I kick my sneakers off and flop back down on the bed, grabbing the remote to switch on the TV. I feel gross but I have no energy left to shower. I was up at 7 this morning, doing some work before we left for Georgia. I hope Ana's mom is better tomorrow because I can't tolerate another two days of this. I peer at Ana's photo on my phone before drifting into an uneasy sleep, awaking around 3, the TV still on.

Rose is crying in the next room and I stumble out of bed to go check her. She's had a massive diaper blow out and I groan. I take her through to the bathroom, starting to run the tub as I grab baby wipes to clean her up. I lay her on the changing mat on the floor. She is babbling at me now, her cheeks still red from the teething.

"Daddy?" I look up to see my copper haired boy peering around the doorframe and I give him a smile.

"Can't sleep?" I ask as he hurries in. I didn't have the heart to wake him to put his pyjamas on so he still has on his little jeans and sweater.

"Who was the lady?" He asks me as I furrow my brow, getting his pyjamas out of the bag as well.

"What lady?" I ask, helping him get undressed for a bath.

"At dinner time," he looks up at me, blue eyes wide.

"That's Granny," I remind him slowly. He hasn't seen Carla since Ana died in August. I'm hardly surprised that he doesn't remember her really. He still looks puzzled. "That's mommy's mom. Like Grandma is daddy's mom," I explain as I lift him into the warm water.

He splashes in the bubbles a bit, clearly somewhat confused by my answer. I dip Rose in to bathe her, keeping her rested in the crook of my arm in the absence of her bath chair. I finish bathing her as Teddy continues to splash. I get a clean flannel to wash him.

"What's up Ted?" I ask him carefully, sensing he is off it. It could just be the time that is confusing him. It's 3am here but really midnight at home and his sleep schedule is all off.

"Why to not see Granny?" He asks me, taking the flannel to play with it in the water. I chew my lip.

"Well, Granny lives a long way away, doesn't she? Are you not excited to see her?" I ask him slowly. He sticks his bottom lip out and shrugs his small shoulders. "It's going to be nice, to spend some time with her. Won't it?" I ask him again.

"I want to see mommy," he says finally. "Not mommy's mommy." I feel my heart rate pick up. I have lots of casual chats with Teddy about Ana, like I promised her I would. Mostly he listens with little to say. Every time he asks for her, it still makes my heart constrict and that usual race of anxiety start, my heart galloping in my chest.

"I know baby," I murmur, keeping my voice as steady as I can as I lift him out of the water, placing him on the bathmat with Rose. "So do I," I add. He isn't crying, just looks downcast.

"I don't remember much of mommy," he says quietly and I take a very loud gasp of air. I have had a huge kick in the guts. My fingers are trembling as I try and dry him.

"We talk about mommy lots," I say as evenly as I can manage. I feel guilt. I haven't done enough to keep her memory alive. I knew this would happen. I read all the child psychology books. Eventually he would lose his memories of Ana. It's been nearly 7 months. I read they can last up to 12 months. I've not done enough. I've let her down.

"I know. And pictures," he looks up at me as I try and towel his hair with shaking fingers. "I don't remember being with mommy."

I'm fighting tears. Fighting wanting to scream. I want to beg her for forgiveness. How have I failed this badly? I'm the worst person in the world. I never deserved her. I want someone to hold me. My mom is five hours away, seven by commercial flight. I dress the children as quick as my shaking fingers allow. I haven't even responded to Ted.

"Daddy?" He prompts me. He'll be 3 in two months and he doesn't have a single actual memory of his mom. Even I have memories of mine. But I know I was that bit older. I know that extra two years will make all the difference. Even mine are hazy as fuck. How could a two year old have any chance?

"We should talk about mommy more," I manage eventually as he gazes at me with those wide eyes. I don't know what to say. I want to ask him why he forgot, but that's the most stupid question in the wold. His age is the problem here. Angrily accusing him isn't the answer. The only person at fault here is me.

"Why?" He asks me as I let the water in the bath go.

"Because we miss her," I say gently as I scoop him up. I'm still shaking but I manage to get Rose on my other hip.

Teddy doesn't answer my point. Does he miss her? He says he wants to see her so surely he does? "Your bed. I want to sleep with you. I'm scared here," Teddy tells me as we walk out of the bathroom. I want some space to deal with my anxiety but I don't want him feeling scared. I give him a nod as we head to my room, setting him down on the bed.

"I need a shower, I'll be back," I murmur before setting Rose in her travel crib. I close the bathroom door and slide down against it. I try and take deep, steadying breaths. I have talked about her every day. I have shown him photos. But I haven't done enough. Now neither of my children remember their mother. They only have me.

I twist my fingers in my hair, pulling at it until it is painful. My heart is thudding in my ears. I want to scream but I don't. Ted is just next door. He clearly has enough going on in his head without me screaming too. I count my breaths, focusing on a technique Flynn has been working on with me. I can do this. I have to get up. My son is waiting for me.

I stand, shaking still as I strip my t shirt and jeans off, discarding my boxers on top. I step into the shower cubicle and switch the water on. It's scalding and it soothes my prickling skin. I'm so sorry, Ana. She is the one who wanted Teddy so much. Not that I don't love him with all my heart but she is the parent who he should have. Not me.

I let the water practically burn me as I stand beneath it, desperate to wash this anxiety and hatred for myself away. It doesn't work. It never does. I step out and grab a towel. My skin is red all over. I dry myself as quickly as possible before walking back to the bedroom.

Ted is sat on my bed, staring at the TV screen which is showing some cop show with real life footage. Definitely not appropriate. Another fuck up from me, I think darkly as I switch the TV off. I grab pyjamas, climbing into bed and encouraging Teddy to lay down. I kiss his forehead. "Are you still scared?" I ask him gently.

"No. You're here daddy," he says with a small smile. Somehow this upsets me as much as him saying he's forgotten his mother. I'm the only one he has left and I'm a useless, anxious, miserable mess who can't get through any situation without crying, shaking or both. My sleep is uneasy and unsettled. I want my own bed.

I'm woken by my phone vibrating on the bed beside me. I have both my kids in the bed with me, an hour or so ago I went and got Rose to soothe her. I've not really slept since, just dozed. I frown. It's Mia. "Hello?" I say groggily. It's 8am here which makes it 5am in Seattle.

"Christian!" She's drunk. Very drunk.

"Are you okay?" I ask slowly, sitting up a little, careful not to wake my sleeping children.

"Our brother… our brother is a douche," she tells me. Wow, I'm glad she's not on loudspeaker.

"I'm sorry," I say carefully, rubbing some sleep from my eyes.

"Why didn't you… Ana wouldn't have let this happen…" she slurs at me.

"I don't know what has happened," I'm guarded. What wouldn't Ana have let happen? I love being called out as a failure before 9am. At least it's not making me anxious. Yet.

"Elliott… cheated on Kate," she continues to slur. Oh. I guess Ana did see that coming. I kept telling her it was none of her business. Maybe I should have let her get more involved. I push my messy hair out of my face.

"I'm really sorry to hear that, Mia. And for Kate," I say, managing as much sincerity as possible given it's 8 in the morning and I've been up most of the night with two small children.

"We've been trying to get into your penthouse for an hour…" she is so wasted it's scary.

"I'm in Georgia. Um… do you have money for a cab?" I ask her, the anxiety setting in now. Ana would not want me leaving her best friend stranded and drunk in Seattle. I certainly don't want to leave my sister. But short of getting Prescott to rush up to Escala from her home, I don't know what to do.

"I want to go in to bed…" she continues. "Elliott is at Kate's house and I'm not going back to mom and dad's."

"Okay. Well I'll text you my access codes?" I say slowly, sure I've given her these some time ago although in her drunken stupor I doubt she would find them.

"You read them, I'll type…" she sounds drunkenly determined. I sigh as I walk her through accessing the garage, the elevator and my penthouse. I have to search desperately through my phone as she sets the alarm off, looking for codes to switch that off. Teddy and Rose are both awake by this point and staring up at me. By the time Mia and Kate are safely secured in Escala, it's gone 9 and Hope is tapping on the door.

I drag myself out of bed to walk to the door. I catch sight of myself in a mirror in the living room. I look haunted, much like Savannah, my eyes dark and sunken. My hair is sticking up all over the place. I take a deep breath, opening the door to Hope.

"Give us an hour. I need to get the kids ready," I say, about to close it.

"You need help?" She asks me, as I move the door towards her.

"No," I snap. For zero reason. Just probably because I'm a prick. I need to get the kids ready in the absence of their mother. Ana only let Hope have Teddy really when she was at work and we were at functions. A weekend in Georgia would be the perfect time to have stood her down. I don't think I'm that brave.

I get Teddy in jeans and a thin top, which seems appropriate for the weather, packing his coat in case Carla is serious about the beach. I get Rose into a pink romper, pulling on socks and tiny baby shoes for her. I run a comb through my hair, tugging at the painful knots and then grab a long sleeve t shirt and jeans, brushing two pairs of teeth and two tiny gums. She isn't happy.

By the time I meet everyone outside Rose is screaming her head off and I feel like I've endured an entire day by 10am. Taylor knows better than to speak to me like this. Hope too wordlessly takes Rose from me. I push back my hair, taking Teddy's hand as we walk down to the cars. I let Hope settle the kids, climbing in the second car with just Taylor. Ana once again would be disappointed. I've left the kids alone with Hope.

I sit in the back, gazing mindlessly at the passing buildings. We're supposed to be meeting on the shore. The weather is 60 degrees according to the in car thermometer, not not as chilly as I expected but certainly won't make a pleasant beach day.

Carla is waiting for us by the shore, waving. She has an armful of beach toys, clearly with every intention we will spend it on the sand. I get out, opening the door to get Teddy out. He doesn't run for his grandmother like he would for my mom, just clings by me as I get Rose out. The day on the beach is as cold and unpleasant as I imagined. We spend over two hours there. We visit various restaurants. We take a ghost tour. By the time Sunday arrives, I am ready to get home.

I look around in horror as I arrive at Escala, hand in hand with Teddy as we step from the elevator, Hope carrying Rose. There are beer bottles everywhere, a tipped over bottle of wine on my coffee table. God knows what else strewn around my living room. Taylor walks ahead of me to assess the damage.

"Take the kids to the nursery," I say irritably to Hope. "Mia! Kate!" I yell as Teddy looks started as Hope hurries upstairs with the kids. I stalk into my bedroom, expecting to find them there. I walk through the closet to the bathroom as I hear Taylor calling me from upstairs. I spin on my heel and walk upstairs. I am relieved to see the kids are safely ensconced in their nursery when I arrive.

Someone has opened the door to the playroom. This room hasn't been unlocked since well before I lost Ana. Virtually every cabinet is open, objects have been removed from the walls, drawers have been emptied. There's more beer bottles scattered around here too. Mia did not know this room was here. She had no reason to try the door. Kate did.