Disclaimer: This story is based on the BBC television series Keeping Up Appearances written by Roy Clarke, which as far as I know, is the property of the BBC. No infringement is intended.
Chapter 1: Crazy Kooks
Emmet Hawksworth let out a sullen sigh as he drummed his fingers on Violet Paddock's dining table on this very irritating evening. Like his older sister, Elizabeth Warden, and like Mrs. Councilor Nugent and his and Elizabeth's next-door neighbor, Richard Bucket, Emmet was not happy about being there this night. His and his sister's intolerable next-door neighbor, Hyacinth Bucket, had managed to push them both into attending her special candlelight supper in the country. Hyacinth's upper-class sister, Violet, who owned the cottage, allowed Hyacinth to use it tonight to host her first ever Country Candlelight Supper. Hyacinth also managed to get Mrs. Councilor Nugent to attend, and as everyone there knew, she had originally planned to try to convince Mrs. Nugent to grant her a position on one of her committees to improve her social status in the community.
However, Hyacinth's plans immediately hit a snag when her slovenly sister and brother-in-law, Daisy and Onslow, who had also been invited by Violet to her cottage in the country, decided to show up for supper this evening as well. Had it not been storming so badly outside, and had the heavy raining not washed out the nearby bridge, Hyacinth would've immediately sent them back home. But given the terrible weather conditions, she basically had no choice but to allow them to stay, regardless of how badly their mere presence alone embarrassed her in front of Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
Hyacinth's poor browbeaten husband, Richard, as well as her poor next-door neighbors, Elizabeth and Emmet, on the other hand, were there that night by default. None of them had had a trace of hope of escaping Hyacinth's requirement that they be there tonight to help her impress Mrs. Councilor Nugent. With Richard being her husband and Elizabeth being her closest and only true friend in town, they were both constantly conscripted into Hyacinth's various schemes to try and climb the social ladder. And even though Emmet, who ran the Amateur Operatic Society in their town, thoroughly despised Hyacinth, he, too, often found himself a victim of Hurricane Hyacinth. He often ended up conscripted into Hyacinth's schemes along with Liz and Richard, regardless if he wanted to be or not. But unlike Emmet, who frequently complained, sweet Elizabeth always tried her best to remain cheerful and look on the bright side of things, despite how badly Hyacinth constantly inconvenienced them.
"I must say, Hyacinth, your sister Violet's cottage sure is lovely," said Elizabeth. "Emmet and I have been here before, but that was before Violet had it redecorated. It looked very nice before, of course, but it's even more beautiful now."
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" Hyacinth agreed. "My sister Violet has always had impeccable taste."
"I can see that," Liz said pleasantly. "You know, now that I think about it, this cottage reminds me a lot of the cottage my husband's cousin owns. She very graciously allowed my husband and me to use it when his company gave him a few weeks off earlier this year. We spent a whole month alone together in her cottage, and it was just heavenly. It was really very romantic."
"Hmph! Romance!" Mrs. Councilor Nugent said with a scowl. "Romance, indeed! That's a big part of the problem of today's world. We've got way too many people running around, obsessed with sex! If you ask me, I say this whole world would be much better off if people everywhere would get their minds off the opposite sex and just stick to living plainly."
"Of course it would be, Mrs. Councilor Nugent," Hyacinth quickly agreed. "But, after all, it is a wife's duty to spend time with her husband. We cannot fault Elizabeth for carrying out her duty as a wife, now, can we?"
"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it duty, Hyacinth. It's never duty to spend time with your husband if you really love him," said Elizabeth.
"That's a good point, Elizabeth," Richard agreed.
"And speaking as a wife myself, I agree wholeheartedly," Daisy concurred while gazing at her husband Onslow dreamily.
"Well as far as I'm concerned, I still believe we all would be far better off as a society if–" Mrs. Councilor Nugent started to say, but then all of the sudden, Elizabeth grabbed her stomach, doubled over, and let out a loud cry of pain.
Emmet, who sitting to her right, immediately put his hand on his sister's back and asked, "Are you alright, Liz?"
Elizabeth wasn't able to answer for almost a whole minute; all she could do was shake her head and cry silently from the intense pain. As the pain continued, Emmet, Richard, Daisy, Onslow, and even Hyacinth and Mrs. Councilor Nugent got up from their seats and surrounded Liz, keeping a close eye on her, as she cried and breathed her way through the terrible pain she was experiencing.
At long last, precisely fifty seconds after the excruciating pain had started in Elizabeth's abdomen, the pain went away, and Elizabeth was able to sit up in her seat again and fully relax.
"It's over, now," Liz said with a sigh of relief. "Goodness me, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, everyone. I really am. I don't know where on earth that pain came from. It just hit me out of nowhere."
"But you're alright now?" asked Hyacinth with a hint of genuine concern in her voice.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine now," Elizabeth assured everyone.
"Did you eat something funny before you came here tonight, Mrs. Warden?" asked Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
Elizabeth shook her head and replied, "No, not at all. As a matter of fact, I haven't eaten anything since breakfast this morning."
"Why didn't you eat lunch, Elizabeth?" Hyacinth questioned.
"She was having terrible spasms in her lower back. She was in too much pain to eat anything this afternoon as well," Emmet explained.
"Why would you come out all this way to Mrs. Bucket's dinner party in the country if you've been feeling so poorly today, Mrs. Warden?" asked Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
"Because trying to tell someone like Hyacinth no is like trying to talk to a brick wall," Emmet said angrily while glaring at Hyacinth. "Words bounce off of her like Teflon. She never listens to anybody. Moreover, she is hopelessly in love with the sound of her own voice."
"Emmet!" Elizabeth scolded.
"Well, it's true!" Emmet said aloud. "You tried to tell Hyacinth earlier today that you weren't feeling well, but she just wouldn't listen to you, and she insisted on bullying you into coming all the way out here to her sister's cottage tonight, out in the middle of nowhere. But you shouldn't be all the way out here in the country just to placate Hyacinth when you're in so much pain. You should be at home in your own bed, getting some rest and taking care of yourself."
"Hear, hear, Emmet!" Onslow heartily agreed. "You're always bullying other people and walking all over them, Hyacinth. Why do you have to be like that?"
"That's a very good question, Onslow," said Richard as he glared at his wife.
"Indeed it is," Daisy agreed. "You know Hyacinth, you really are far too pushy sometimes! You never should have pushed Elizabeth into coming all the way out here when she's obviously not feeling well. But whenever people tell you no, you always manage to block them out and not hear them. You know, you really need to stop being that way."
In the next moment, they all began piling on Hyacinth like an avalanche. Daisy, Onslow, Emmet, Richard, and even Mrs. Councilor Nugent were all telling Hyacinth off and giving her a piece of their minds. This continued for several long moments.
But then, Elizabeth rose from her seat and cried out, "Alright, alright, everyone! Enough! That's enough! Listen, I don't want there to be any unpleasantness tonight, and I certainly don't want there to be any fighting or arguing on account of me. Maybe Hyacinth shouldn't have pushed me so hard into coming out here tonight, but I'm a grown woman, and coming here was still my decision. And anyway, the pain has passed now. It's all gone and I am feeling better, so why don't we all just sit down and get back to enjoying our supper?"
"I think that's a very good idea," said Hyacinth, who was grateful to get a little help. "Thank you, Elizabeth."
And with that, they all sat down again and got back to eating their supper. However, no one uttered a word, and everyone's eyes were all glued to Elizabeth over the next two minutes.
Finally, Elizabeth chuckled a bit and told them, "There's really no need to stare, everyone. I'm fine. I'm perfectly alright now. I assure you."
But in the next moment, the pain returned, and Elizabeth cried out in agony and held her stomach and doubled over once again.
"I don't know what's the matter with Mrs. Warden tonight, but this lady clearly needs to be taken to a hospital," said Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
"For once, Mrs. Councilor Nugent, I'm in complete agreement with you," said Richard.
"But there's no way we can get her to a hospital right now because the bridge is all washed out," Daisy told them.
"Well we might not be able to get Elizabeth to a hospital at the moment, but we can at least help her into the nearest bedroom and let her lie down," Richard suggested.
"That's a good idea, Richard," Hyacinth agreed. She then put her hand on Elizabeth's shoulder and asked her, "Liz, do you think you can stand if we help you?"
Elizabeth shook her head and replied, "I really can't, Hyacinth. Not right now." And a couple of moments later, she asked, "Can someone just hold my hand, please?"
"Yes, yes, of course," Emmet immediately responded as he quickly gave Elizabeth his hand and took a seat beside her.
Almost an entire minute later, the horrific pain finally passed, and Elizabeth visibly relaxed and let go of her brother's hand.
"Is the pain over now?" Emmet asked her.
Elizabeth nodded and answered, "Yes, it's gone now."
"Do you think you can make it to the bedroom now if we help you, Elizabeth?" Hyacinth asked. And this time, there wasn't just a mere hint of concern in her voice. This time, everyone could easily tell by Hyacinth's tone that she was indeed very worried about her friend.
"I think so, Hyacinth," Elizabeth replied.
In the following moments, Emmet held onto one of Elizabeth's arms and Hyacinth held onto the other as they helped her to stand and walk. But as they walked through the lounge of the cottage on their way to the master bedroom, Elizabeth got another agonizing spasm in her abdomen, and they had to stop and help Elizabeth to lie down on the settee. Hyacinth then ordered Emmet to take Elizabeth's shoes off while she arranged some pillows behind Elizabeth to help her get a little more comfortable. And while they were doing that, Mrs. Councilor Nugent, Richard, Daisy, and Onslow all came into the lounge as well, all of them deeply concerned about Elizabeth. Even Hyacinth was so very concerned about her at that point that all the thoughts she'd had of trying to impress Mrs. Councilor Nugent and get on one of her committees had left her mind completely as she gave Elizabeth both of her hands to squeeze to help her deal with the pain. But finally, the pain passed once again, and Elizabeth was able to relax a bit.
"How's the pain now, Liz?" asked a very worried Emmet.
"It's the strangest thing, really. The pain is completely gone now. Now, I feel just fine. But when those pains do hit me, it's murder. It's absolute murder."
"Have you ever had pains like these before, Elizabeth?" asked Hyacinth.
"Not recently, no. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, there's only been one other time in my life that I've ever had pains like these, and that was when I was in labor with my daughter Gail. Clearly, that isn't what's happening tonight." But in that instant, something clicked inside Emmet's mind, and Elizabeth could easily see it. "Now what's that strange look on your face for, little brother?" she asked him.
After a long pause, Emmet finally replied, "I know how strange this is going to sound, Liz, but right after you said that just now, I recalled something very interesting. Tomorrow will be the fourteenth of November. When Frank came back from Saudi Arabia earlier this year and spent that month with you, he surprised you with a romantic getaway to his cousin's cottage on Valentine's Day, the fourteenth of February. Nine months ago. Tomorrow, it will be exactly nine months to the very day."
"Oh Emmet, you're being ridiculous!" Liz said with a chuckle of disbelief.
In that moment, Hyacinth shook her head and said, "No, he's not. I remember it, too. Your husband did come and surprise you on Valentine's Day this year, Elizabeth. I remember the date distinctly."
"So do I," said Richard. "Emmet and Hyacinth are right about the date, Elizabeth, because I remember it as well."
"You guys may be right about the date, but even if it was exactly nine months ago, you all are forgetting one very important fact," said Elizabeth.
"What are we forgetting, Elizabeth?" asked Hyacinth.
"You all are forgetting that I am…well, I won't announce my age, but suffice it to say, I'm over fifty. I'm far too old to be having a baby now. And besides, don't you all think that if I actually had been pregnant these past nine months, I would've had at least a little morning sickness or strange cravings? And wouldn't I have felt the baby move and kick all this time?"
"Not necessarily, Elizabeth. When Onslow and I were expecting our Stephanie, she was a very lazy baby. She barely moved at all, and if she did move, I don't think I ever felt it. I had terrible morning sickness, though, and the cravings."
"When I was pregnant with my Sheridan, it was the exact opposite," said Hyacinth. "I never had a moment of morning sickness, and I never had any strange cravings, but from my second trimester right up to the day of Sheridan's birth, I almost constantly felt him moving around and kicking. That boy was always kicking and turning somersaults, day after day, every single day, without fail."
"But neither of you were over fifty when you were pregnant," said Liz. "I will admit, these strange pains I've been getting really do seem very much like contractions, but given my age, there's just no way. Women over fifty do not get pregnant. It's impossible."
"It is highly unlikely, yes," said Emmet, "but it's not entirely impossible, Liz. Remember the Wyatts?"
"Who are the Wyatts?" asked Onslow.
"They were my neighbors back when my ex-wife Jackie and I were still married. They lived on our street, a few houses down from us. They're a husband and wife who are sixty years-old now. Back when I was still their neighbor eleven years ago, they were both forty-nine, and they had two grown children already, a son and a daughter who were married with kids of their own. And this couple actually got pregnant with their third child at age forty-nine, and she gave birth by C-section the next year when they were fifty. A little boy. A big, beautiful, healthy, nine-pound baby boy. He's ten years-old today."
Daisy chuckled and said, "You know, the way you say that, Emmet, you seem so hopeful. You already have a grown niece. Are you hoping Elizabeth's going to give you a little nephew tonight?"
"No. He just enjoys messing with me and tormenting me, just as all little brothers get a kick out of torturing their big sisters," Elizabeth teased. "But anyway, my age aside, there's another thing you're all forgetting."
"What's that?" asked Emmet.
"If I'm supposed to be nine months pregnant right now, then how come I don't look it? Now yes, I have gained some weight this year according to my doctor – fifteen pounds to be exact – but even though I've put on a few pounds, my stomach still doesn't look anything like the stomach of a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy. How do you all explain that?"
"Mrs. Warden is right," said Mrs. Councilor Nugent. "This whole idea that you've all concocted that a woman over the age of fifty can be nine months pregnant and not even know it is preposterous. It's downright ludicrous. You're all being very silly, and you all need to stop this foolishness and start acting your age. Whatever the problem is, Mrs. Warden is not pregnant, and she is not in labor, and there will not be any babies born here tonight."
"Thank you, Mrs. Councilor Nugent. It's nice to see that somebody here tonight is finally talking some sense," said Elizabeth.
"Since you're having so much pain in your abdomen, Mrs. Warden, my guess is that it's your appendix," Mrs. Councilor Nugent postulated.
"Well whatever it is, Elizabeth, it's quite obvious that we need to find a way to get you to the nearest hospital as soon as possible," said Hyacinth.
"Agreed," said Emmet.
"Don't worry, everyone. I assure you all that I'm fine now. As a matter of fact, it's been a couple of minutes since I've had one of those pains. Hopefully, they've completely stopped by now. In fact, I really do feel a bit silly, trying to make it to the bedroom, now that the pain has stopped. I think I'd really rather all of us go back into the dining room and just get on with our evening."
"Well let's just wait in here for a minute or two before we try to get you back into the dining room again, Elizabeth, just to be sure," said Hyacinth.
"I think that's a very good idea," Richard agreed.
"And so do I," said Emmet.
"That's fine by me," Liz told them. "I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience, though."
"If you ask me, I think it's Mrs. Bucket who needs to apologize for pushing you into coming out all this way tonight with you being so unwell," Mrs. Councilor Nugent said pointedly as she gave Hyacinth another good glare.
Normally, Hyacinth would never dream of apologizing to anyone, but seeing as how it was Mrs. Councilor Nugent who was telling her that she should apologize, she naturally caved in.
"You're right, Mrs. Councilor Nugent. I'm often far too outspoken. It's one of my worst faults. I do apologize, Elizabeth. I never should have told you to come out here tonight in your condition."
"Don't worry, everyone. I really am feeling better now, so why don't we head back into the dining room and pick up where we left off?"
"If you're sure, Elizabeth," Hyacinth said hesitantly.
"Yes, Hyacinth, I'm quite sure," Elizabeth insisted.
But then in that very moment, before Elizabeth could even attempt to get up off the settee, yet another horrific pain seized her abdomen, and she cried out in agony. While everyone else fretted in the background, Hyacinth gave Elizabeth both of her hands once again, and Elizabeth held onto her hands for dear life as the pain continued.
One very long, very painful minute later, the spasm finally ended. But right before Elizabeth had the chance to really relax again, all of the sudden, there was a huge gush of clear fluid that drenched Elizabeth's dress and the settee, and they all looked at one another with very frightened and concerned glances.
"I take it, Mrs. Warden, that you did not suddenly lose control of your bladder just now," said Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
"No, of course not," said Elizabeth.
"Well this fluid is definitely not blood," Mrs. Councilor Nugent observed. "And if it's not blood and it's not urine, then there's only one other possibility, and that's amniotic fluid. Looks like all these crazy kooks were right after all, Mrs. Warden. Your water has most definitely broken, which proves that you are indeed pregnant, and that you are most certainly in labor. Mr. Hawksworth, you just might be getting that nephew you want tonight after all."