"I've never even seen any kitchens - I just assumed they conjured the food out of nowhere."
Peter, James and Sirius sat in the first year boys' dormitory - plotting. Since Sirius had found confirmation of the existence of the Hogwarts kitchens (a fleeting mention within Hogwarts; A History cross referenced with I'll Take the Rest! An Homage to Hufflepuff House) they had decided that they could do better than filling their pockets after the feast. It had all been wistful talk until Remus had disappeared again from their dormitory, this time for two nights in a row. Initially, they had assumed another visit home but they had later heard whispers around the common room that a first year was in the hospital wing looking like "they'd had their face painted gold and rammed in a niffler cage". McGonagall had confirmed for them that afternoon in Transfiguration that Remus was to remain there "until Madame Pomfrey deems it so, Pettigrew", so naturally there was nothing to do other than take a late night trip to the fabled kitchens and try and find something to cheer him up.
"No, you can't conjure food out of nothing - even house elves can't do that," James corrected him absently. "My mum says you can only change what you have, or multiply it. But it's really hard - she doesn't bother most of the time."
"Well, we would have seen it, surely. A kitchen big enough to cater a school can't be missed." Peter reasoned. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Come on, Peter. It'll be hidden. Try to remember you're in a magical school."
Sirius didn't even look up at Peter as he dismissed him, but Peter's face turned pink in badly masked embarrassment.
"Right…"
James ignored the two of them, he was skim-reading through Sirius' copy of I'll Take the Rest! Trying to find a hint to the location.
"See, it does say here that Hufflepuff herself added the kitchens 'in the natural location' but what does that even mean, in a castle? See, you would think that it would be off the Great Hall, but we know that there's only the main doors and that side door off from the Great Hall - we saw that first term!"
Sirius opened the tower window and leaned his whole head and shoulders out of it. "Well, in a house, that'd be backing onto the garden, but that hardly narrows it down, does it?"
Peter leaned over the foot of his bed, reaching into his trunk to pull out a roll of parchment. He then dug in his pocket for a muggle pen and lay the paper out on his nightstand.
"Okay, so we have the Great Hall, yeah?" he said, drawing a rectangle, "Then the main doors and the side door, behind the Teacher's table." He added door signifiers, and smaller rectangles for the tables. James and Sirius stood around his drawing to watch.
"We don't know where the side door goes, right? We've seen into the room beyond, and we know it's not a kitchen. Unless you two have been through there?" Peter looked up at them questioningly. They shook their heads.
"Right. So we know that the first room behind the door isn't a kitchen." He drew an X. "So, entrance hall…" He made another large, rectangular room, with staircase notations to depict the two routes on either side of the Great Hall doors. "We know this one goes towards the dungeons." He labeled it.
"Well, I can be sure that the Kitchen can't be through the dungeon doorway route," Sirius offered. "It tunnels outwards, towards the lake," he borrowed Peter's pen and clumsily drew the lake off to the far right of the Great Hall. "So Perhaps the other staircase goes under the Great Hall?"
"Oh, yeah!" James leaned in and turned the drawing so that it was right-way-up for him. "'Cause the greenhouses are over here to the left, right?" Sirius handed him the pen and he drew some small sheds off to the left. "And I'm pretty sure the Hufflepuff common room is down there-"
"It is," Sirius confirmed, nodding at his book. "And it's semi-buried, too. According to the book - it describes the room a little, and mentions high-windows."
"Right, so the common room can't be entirely under the Great Hall, if it has windows, so perhaps it's out a bit too, like the Slytherin one?" Peter drew a circle half overlapping the Great Hall, and half off to the left. "So there's this space under the hall that's unaccounted for." He drew a question-mark on it with a flourish.
"Theoretically," said James, excitedly.
"Theoretically." Peter agreed.
They looked up at each other, the excitement of working together fizzing between them. Sirius broke the silence.
"You're quite good at drawing maps, Peter," he commented.
"Thanks! My dad's a building contractor!" He grinned up at them, but got only blank looks back. "It means he helps organise things getting built. Anyway, he draws lots of floorplans."
Sirius raised an eyebrow at Peter. "Sounds like a muggle job." James rolled his eyes and groaned loudly, but Peter met Sirius' look, unembarrassed, this time.
"Actually it's a job within the Ministry. Wizarding buildings are often made off the back of Muggle structures, and so they need someone familiar with both worlds to help plan hidden locations such as Mungo's, or The Leaky Cauldron. That's what he says, anyway." Peter's expression was pleasant and neutral, but it held none of his usual meekness. Sirius raised the other eyebrow, creating a much less sardonic expression.
"That's quite cool, actually." He conceded, earning a smile from Peter.
"Right, lads, what do you say to going down there before curfew?" James rubbed his hands together excitedly. "After all, it's not a crime to be near the Hufflepuff common room. And then if we do find the kitchens, we only have to sneak back. Half the risk, same reward, yeah?"
Peter pocketed the pen and went to stuff the map in his trunk before Sirius put a hand on his arm, stopping him.
"No, bring it. If we find anything cool, we can add it."
Peter beamed at him and folded it up to fit into his robe pocket. They filed out the door, James first, bounding down the stairs as usual.
The boys climbed out of the portrait hole and into the cool tower hallway. A few Gryffendor students here and there passed them, but mostly, the journey was quiet. After all, it was mid Winter and students much preferred their warm common rooms this time of year - only venturing out into the castle to run errands such as returning library texts.
They hurried down the many staircases and were a touch out of breath by the time they reached the entrance hall. The wide short staircase that led up to the Great Hall stood before them. Dinner had finished a few hours ago and the Great Hall doors were closed - they would have to save the mystery of that side door for another day. On either side, as in Peter's drawings, were the two smaller staircases. One to the right, which they took to reach their Potions classes, and the other to left. They had never been down it before.
It was much shorter than the dungeon stairs, levelling into a corridor after only a few feet of descent. They huddled awkwardly together, despite the corridor not being out of bounds. The hallway was lined with paintings but, unlike the rest of the castle, they didn't depict people. Large landscape paintings of the Highlands, moody depictions of the castle standing amongst the fog. They continued down, towards the end, taking in the series. Next, a beautiful set of three paintings showing golden light flooding down through three stained glass windows that they recognised from the Great Hall. Then the bowed heads of a school-full of students eating together along the tables and finally, the hallway turned abruptly to the left.
The three of them stood at the end of the corridor, bemused. The final painting showed a bowl of fruit (presumably resting on the table of the hall of the castle in the Highlands) and nothing else.
"So, there's no right turn?" Peter took a few steps down the corridor to the left, but it carried on in that direction. "And no door, no portrait hole…"
James stood in front of the painting of the students eating.
"They're not even moving. Is this even a magical painting? I can't speak to them."
Sure enough, each painting was completely still. They lowered their voices as a small group of Hufflepuffs passed them going off to the left.
"There must be something under the Hall," Peter muttered, coming back to stand with the others at the end of the corridor. "It doesn't make sense for them to dig under the Lake for the dungeons, when the space under the Hall is right there." He leaned against the thick frame of the painting. It stood about 6 feet by four feet, the frame about as thick as a man's leg.
Sirius was running his fingers down the edges of the portraits, apparently looking for hidden entrances. "Perhaps it's not the same as muggle buildings. If you're excavating with magic, maybe it's all the same?"
Peter shook his head, wavy blonde hair brushing against the edge of the painting. "No. I mean, it is easier, but it would still-"
James and Sirius whipped around at Peter's squeak of shock just in time to see him falling backwards through a doorway that certainly hadn't been there the moment before. Beyond it, James glimpsed the scattered light from gleaming metal and many, many wide eyes.
"Go!" He hissed to Sirius through gritted teeth, pushing him towards the doorway before another group of Hufflepuffs might come down the stairs and find them. "Just get in!"
James hurried through, pulling Peter up by the arm and out of the way so he could close the portrait behind Sirius. Finally concealed, they turned to look at the small crowd that had emerged to greet them. James felt Peter tuck himself nervously behind himself and Sirius. He supposed the sight would be quite frightening, if you didn't know anything about house elves.
Before the trio stood about twenty, all wearing a smart dark uniform like outfit, some holding various utensils.
One stepped out bravely from the crowd. James saw Sirius step back in response out of the corner of his eye. The elf looked pointedly at Sirius, then at Peter, hiding between them, before settling on James, who was grinning down at him, delightedly. It matched his energy immediately.
"Sirs!" He squeaked (James thought they were a he, it was hard to tell with elves), "We were not expecting any company tonight, but we is more than happy to help - what is youse needing, this evening?"
James held out his hand, hesitantly, for a handshake. Did elves shake hands?
Apparently yes, the elf took his first finger in his hand and shook it gently. "Nice to meet you, sir!" He chirped.
"My name is James," he told the elf, then gestured to his companions. "And this is Peter, and Sirius. Who are you?"
I is known as Marley, Sir!" Marley the elf put his thumb to his chest proudly. When he smiled, James noticed he was missing a front tooth. "Hogwarts elves is meant to be a secret," he confessed, "but since youse have found the kitchen, the niffler is in the vault, or whatever the phrase is."
"Cat's out the bag," Peter whispered, weakly. He crouched down to get a better look at Marley and also offered him a hand. "Hi, Marley. I've never met an elf before."
Marley stepped forward and clasped it enthusiastically. "Then it's a pleasure, sir!"
Peter grinned up at James, bewildered and delighted all at once.
"Do you guys make the food, then? If this is the kitchen?"
"Yes Sir!" Marley gestured to the room behind them proudly. "We is making all the food at Hogwarts, and cleaning all the fires, and doing all the laundry of boys and girls like you."
Peter baulked a little, but composed himself. "I suppose I never considered what happened with the laundry. I just thought everything was, yknow, magic."
"House elves is magic," said Marley," and we is doing laundry, so laundry is done by magic!"
Peter wasn't sure the reasoning tracked, but he let it go, standing back up and turning to Sirius.
"So, have you met an elf before?" he asked. Sirius looked at Marley for a moment, who beamed up at his, smile unwavering.
"Yes, we have one at home… He has a very different personality."
Marley nodded sagely. "Yes, sir, we elves are very different but we is all helpful. Pleased to meet you." He held up his hand and Sirius looked at it blankly for a moment, before gently taking his tiny hand and shaking it.
"Pleasure's mine."
By now, the elves that had gathered had dispersed back to whatever they had been up to earlier. Some were at the huge sinks, washing dishes by magic (wandless, James noted). Others seemed to have turned off into several of the small doorways and disappeared all together.
"So, Marley," James was businesslike again. "Did you say earlier that you would be able to help us out?"
In the kitchen were four parallel tables, headed by one running across the top, in the same layout as the hall above. Marley walked over to the table which James supposed would represent the Slytherin one and stood up on the bench so as to speak to him more comfortably.
"When students is sneaking into the kitchens, Sir, they is usually looking for treats." At this news, James shared an excited look with Peter and Sirius.
"So we're not the only ones who have come here?" Sirius asked.
"No sir, and youse won't be the last. The kitchens is hidden, but most students who is exploring the castle a little is finding it eventually. It is not the most hidden room in all of Hogwarts."
Sirius shared a pointed look with James. So there was more to find.
Peter pulled them back to the task at hand. "Yes, Marley, we were looking for the kitchens because we wanted to get a treat for our friend. Could you help us?"
James would have thought it was impossible for Marley's eyes to get any wider without them falling out of his skull, but he managed.
"Marley is delighted to be making a treat for Peter's friend! Is it a birthday?"
"Er, no, Marley, he's sick, actually. We were hoping to cheer him up."
This seemed to inspire a sympathy-fuelled spree of several nearby elves, who must have been eavesdropping. They chatted excitedly at each other. To James, it looked as though they were arguing over the best treats. Finally, they had settled on doughnuts.
"Then youse can make all different kinds, you see!" justified a blue-eyed elf who was still holding a spatula.
With alarming speed, a few elves busied themselves making the dough. The smell and sound of sizzling was a welcome backdrop to their chatting as they waited. Peter had pulled out his parchment again and, with Sirius and James on either side of them, was marking more accurately the Hufflepuff corridor and going over everything they'd said in the leadup to the portrait opening to try and determine the password.
They folded the papers away when Marley presented them with a tray of 13 plain doughnuts.
"We is thinking it would be fun to decorate them?"
Covered in powdered sugar and licking icing off their fingers, Peter and Sirius each held a box of six decorated doughnuts. James rather thought it was the first time that Sirius had done any baking at all, as most of his efforts were down the front of his jumper and in his hair, but it had at least been amusing to watch him try to battle with an icing sugar that was too thick and sticking to everything like cement. James thanked the elves who had helped them and brushed as much powder as he could off his trousers.
"Well, now for the hard part."
They had left the dormitory at half eight, so it must now be at least 10pm. Curfew would mean that the prefects would be roaming the corridors, rounding up the last of their housemates. They would have to be sneaky.
"Careful, sirs, goodbye sirs!" Marley waved at them as they cracked the portrait to check the corridor. All was safe and silent, so they waved their goodbyes and slipped through.
The castle was painfully silent. Even though most students had been in their common rooms on the way down, it was incredible how much the ambient sound of their footsteps and conversations had created a safe blacket of background noise. Sirius tapped James on the shoulder and mouthed 'cloak?' at him hopefully, only for James to grimace, flick his gaze to Peter and shake his head.
Great.
They slunk down the hallway, softening their footsteps as much as possible. Peter tip-toed ahead up the stairs to check that the Entrance Hall was clear. At his signal, they followed him.
They felt as though they were running through a searchlight, making their way across the Entrance Hall. There was no real cover, other than the slight shadows, and many doorways and staircase railings which they could be looked at from. They made it to the base of the staircase, wound tighter than violin strings and started their ascent in relief. At least on the stairs, they could obscure themselves from certain parts of the entrance hall if they stayed against the wall.
Finally at the second floor, they slipped through the doorway and closed it carefully behind them, grinning. They'd done it. Well, phase two of three, at least.
"You better not be in Gryffindor," muttered someone behind them. They whipped around and were met with the tired face of the Gryffindor prefect, Mohammad.
James and Sirius grinned what were intended to be winning smiles at him, while Peter, who had startled so violently, was retrieving his box of doughnuts from the floor. He groaned. Several had fallen out, icing side down.
"Potter, Black and Pettigrew, am I correct?" He asked, approaching them wearily. "I knew I hadn't seen you three come back. What in Merlin's name are you doing here past curfew?" He glanced at the mess Peter had made on the floor.
"Are they doughnuts?"
I like the idea that there's a series of books called Lion's Den; The Origins of the Heroic House of Gryffindor, I'll Take The Rest! An Homage to Hufflepuff House, A Woman's Greatest Treasure; The Ravenclaw Legacy and By Any Means; Slytherin's Foundational Role in the Foundation of Wizarding Society. Be cute to buy them for your wee 11 year old who just got sorted for them to literally never read lol. Of course, Sirius has the whole set.
Thank God for the Harry Potter PS2 games - I used a vague memory of their layout to decide the castle layout for this fic. Plus, I think the entrance hall/Great Hall entrance in that game is based on the atrium of the Natural History Museum, because it felt VERY familiar when I went there a few years ago haha.