WELCOME ALL TO THE TENTH EDITION OF THE KICK-ASS SERIES BASED OFF OF THE HIT GAME, THE BATTLE CATS, KNOWN SIMPLY AS: THE BATTLE CATS: X! I HOPE YOU ENJOY WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER!
The Battle Act have made their way to the Maldives to obtain the treasure known simply as Tropical Juice. Everyone is training for their next encounter up against the Red boss fight. Cat is lifting home-made weights. Tank Cat is doing sit-ups. Axe Cat is practicing his Axe Combat. Gross Cat is doing stretching. Cow Cat is running laps around the back garden. And Bob is boxing a Scarecrow.
Axe Cat: We need to be prepared for this Red enemy. Well, you all do! I'm all sorted with my preferred offense/defense towards Reds. he practices drawing out his axe
Bob: I've been training my ass off! What the fuck do you mean by that? he continues to punch and whack the Scarecrow I can handle these "Red" enemies just fine. Wait, who exactly would be considered as Red enemies? At least one of you came across at least one Red enemy, right?
Cat: We all have! Well I think I know who might be the boss. Her name is Pigge, and she's a Red pig. I have a feeling she's the one that we will come across. She can be quite a bastard.
Cow Cat: stops dead in his tracks Woah, woah, woah!? Aw damn it! I remember the last time I came across her. She tried to turn me into a beef burger! And I thought pigs were vegetarians.
Gross Cat: Well, they are. Except Pigge. I believe she eats all meat except pork. For very obvious reasons. But she could have also just been bluffing, Cow Cat. We can't just assume things.
Tank Cat: While on the topic of not assuming. Let's not assume we will be facing Pigge at all. We only get told about certain enemy types, and how many there are. There's many red enemies that could be bosses.
Bob pushes the Scarecrow away and turns to everyone. He drinks a bottle of water before speaking up. All of the attention is now on him.
Bob: Well, only one way to find out. Go after the Tropical Juice and meet this red enemy in person. But I do believe that it is a good opportunity for us to push ourselves to further limits. And Axe Cat can show me why he is "Strong against Red Enemies".
Axe Cat: See, he gets it. No time to waste. Let's push forward! he rushes to the front door and makes his way outside the Cat Base
Cat: Bob knows what's up! We shall follow in his footsteps and get ourselves some Red Hot Blood! I'm not scared of this boss for their trait alone!
Everyone makes their way outside to check out the enemy base presented in front of their very eyes. It is a stereotypical Maldivian base based off of one of the many coastal beaches found in the country. With a coconut tree, a foldable seat, and a Margarita on top of the re-created sand. The Maldives is well known for their excellent beaches and tropical juices. Which is why the treasure is literally Tropical Juice but in three monetary metal variants.
Tank Cat: Say Cow Cat, can you barge right into the enemy base for us?
Cow Cat: Well I'd be fucked up if I couldn't, partner. Let me go right on ahead and charge at their place at full speed. he steadies himself ready to charge right into the base
Gross Cat: I'm coming too! I want to see this shit unfold...he rubs his paws together in anticipation
Bob: he chuckles before flicking his toothpick Eu também, eu vou contigo. (Me too, I'm coming with you)
Out of nowhere, a large, red pig barges out of the door, and they seem upset about something. They are yelling out loud and they're grumbling. Doge is quick to follow.
?????: For the last time. No! I won't carry you out of the field Doge! Just because you carried me, doesn't mean you'll get the same!
Doge: Oh come on Pigge! Why do you care so much about carrying me? You're so heavy to carry...you won't even feel me!
Pigge is an enemy who is different to the rest we've seen before. That being, she's red! Her appearance is like that of the typical cartoonish pig. She has four squared hooves for feet. She has a large body. She has a swirled tail. A white nose. And two large wrinkled ears. She has a small curled tail on her back. She is generally round in shape unlike Hippoe. But she's roughly the same size as they are. She is also most likely a Tamworth pig. Which is a red-colored domestic pig native to Britain. However, she is red because she loves to tan. Like your average English woman. And she is shown to have a pronounced Southern London accent.
Pigge: Excuse me? Are you calling me fat!? she glares at Doge Just so you know, we both move at the same speed, as whenever we race, our results always fluctuate like we are at the same speed. And whenever one of us wins, the loser is only off by milliseconds! Quit acting like a bloody wanker you fool!
Doge: I said heavy as in big! You're not fat...you're a lovely young woman. And for the races, you have large legs, you can push yourself easily, I have the stubbiest legs in existence. So that's why we're equal. he sighs in annoyance
Pigge: That's the respect I deserve! And you're just jealous of my skills. she smirks and pat's Doge's back, Snache and Those Guys are laughing in the background
Cow Cat: Uhh, I don't think I can barge into their base anymore. he stammers as he backs up, but trips and catches the attention of the enemies Oh fuck...
Those Guys simultaneously: It's the cow! Everyone! The Cats and Human are all here! they shout out as their voices crack
Snache: They witnessed the funniest argument ever. But sadly, we have to destroy them all before they can say how they feel about it...he grins slyly
Bob: Hey you! Red pig! Who the fuck are you and what the hell are you doing here? Tu estás prestes a ter sua bunda chuata! (You are about to get your ass kicked!)
Pigge: Oh I'm sorry. Have we ever met before you? I've never seen your mug around here. she glares at Bob after shoving Doge to the side Are you that little Fanny these weaklings are complaining about?
Bob: No option out of here. Okay, my name is Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy, but most call me Bob. Especially dumbasses like yourself. I'm 16 years old, but I pack a solid punch for someone my age and size. Obviously, I'm not from here, I was initially sent on a boat heading to a disciplinary camp by my mother who couldn't handle me or my strength. And if that doesn't spark your senses of how much of a danger I could be, don't even consider yourself a living being with a functioning brain. I met up with these Cats who love to battle, and we've been exploring the world and fighting enemies for a long time now.
Doge: HAH! He really humbled you there. he wheezes as he grabs Pigge
Bob and Pigge simultaneously: Fuck off, you!
Doge: I can't win at anything! God damn it. he huffs as he kicks away a stone
Snache: HAH! You got humbled so hard Doge. he is grinning from ear to ear (but he doesn't have any) It's actually funny.
Doge: repeating what he just got told Oh fuck off, you!
Cat: Let's...not waste any time! Bob just fight them already! They're vulnerable to our attacks. Come on please! he is tugging on Bob
Bob: No, I want to hear what this Pigge has to say about herself...he grins as he flicks his toothpick
Pigge: Ugh, fine! I'll explain who I am. My name is Elizabeth. But everyone calls me Pigge, because everyone here has a strange obsession with naming each other after their species and adding E to it! I am of royal English descent, you could tell by my accent, couldn't you mate? And I also love going to a tanning salon, and getting myself cleaned. Oh and, killing every Cat I see because of how they treat me. she snarls in anger and prepares to do THE BOSS WAVE
Doge: Elizabeth...more like, Elizabitch! HAHAHAH. he wheezes as he gets revenge at Pigge's slagging and rude behavior towards him
Pigge: Oh my god! You're unbelievable. I can't believe I have to put up with the likes of you. And these weaklings! Ugh. I wish I had better army to go with...
Snache and Those Guys simultaneously: HEY!
Tank Cat: Oh dear...this does not look good for Doge. Or us for that matter! he gulps as he shakes in fear, he cowers behind Bob
Cat: She's going to do her BOSS WAVE on us! he also cowers behind Bob for emotional support Let's just stay as far upwards as possible, so we won't get blown that far.
Bob: Why are you two cowering behind me? he sighs as he cracks his knuckles Okay Pigge, do your worst. I'm ready for it.
Pigge: And as punishment for Doge, he's also being hit with THE BOSS WAVE! Because he was acting like a prick to me this whole time. she places Doge in front of her GET READY FOR THE BOSS WAVE!
Doge: genuinely scared PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THE BOSS WAVE! Look, I'm sorry...AGH!
Pigge unleashed her boss wave by slamming her body down onto the ground. Bob, Doge and Four out of Five of the Cats were sent flying out. The only exception was Axe Cat. Due to his damage input being reduced to half, he only flew half the length, and actually stayed in front of the Cat Base.
Axe Cat: Hah! Jokes on you, Elizabitch! You forgot I'm strong against the likes of you and your little runts of Red enemies you consider "Friends". he grins as he slowly approaches Pigge
Doge: severely injured Hey! You stole my nickname. But at least I'm able to steal your treasure. he grins as he rushes towards the entrance of the Cat Base, only to be head butted by Cow Cat GAH! What the fuck?
Cow Cat: Not so fast! You're not getting anything from us, you mutt! Now I have to deal with you. he shakes his head in disapproval before charging at Doge
The Battle Begins! Pigge rushes up towards Axe Cat and bashes him with her stomach. Axe Cat didn't get affected that much and only got minor bruising. He grabs his axe and slices Pigge through her chest, notably much more easily than usual, causing severe bleeding.
Axe Cat: removes his blood-stained Axe You didn't listen to a single word I said throughout this entire interaction we had! Haven't you? Now Matilda has to slice you up. he rolls his eyes
Bob: pounds his fists together Do you need any help with Pigge, amigo? (friend?) I will teach that lazy bastard a lesson on fucking with us.
Pigge: GUH! coughs weakly, spitting out blood You filthy feline! How dare you slice me up like that? And you! she turns to Bob You've clearly shown disrespect towards me! Elizabeth the Pig! And now you must suffer. she bashes Bob with a slam, strangling him
Despite Bob being choked by Pigge. He manages to break through and punch her throat with his brass knuckles. Both of them seem severely fucked up. Pigge slams on Axe Cat, and manages to injure him. But he gets back up and slices her back. Causing it to cut open and leave a deep mark.
Axe Cat: Heh, that's what you get...for fucking with the Human! Bob doesn't fuck with anyone. Especially low lives like you who claim to be royal blood. he snarls menacingly
Bob: grabbing his dislocated shoulder and re-adjusts it Any last words before I leave you unconscious and flying towards a heavy base that looks way too much like a beach? he flicks his toothpick and smirks I think I understand this "Trait" stuff now...and the differences between some traits to others. Cheers, Axe Cat!
Pigge: G-GAH! she coughs up some more blood Please, just leave me alone! You did enough already on me, why not go after everyone else?
Axe Cat: They're being sorted with at the moment... Stop changing the damn subject Pigge. Or I'll turn you into crimson pork chops! he reaches out for his Axe
Those Guys are attacking Cat and Tank Cat. They slap the both of them hard enough to cause bruising. But Cat bites the head of That Guy B, while Tank Cat head butts Those Guys C and A over and over until they go unconscious. That Guy B is screaming as his head is bleeding.
That Guy B: Ow! How could you!? That really hurt. he pouts as he punches Cat
Cat: he doesn't react, but is visibly hurt from it Ow. Well, you should have thought about that before coming at me with your skimpy fists and punching me! And consider it as revenge for when you all ganged up on me. he giggles slyly before scratching That Guy C's waist, causing it to bleed
Tank Cat: Phew! I think I dealt with Those two Guys to the point where they won't come and try to kill us. he grins as he continues to whack his head on Those Guys A and C in the head
That Guy A: he grabs Tank Cat's head and slams it onto the floor Quit head butting me already! I was visibly not fighting back you filthy cheater.
Tank Cat: all bruised up in the face Says the one who does nothing but fight dirty! All you need is a bit of humbling you shit-face! he is visibly pissed off
That Guy C: Yeah! Don't just head butt us like that ever again. he kicks Tank Cat in the crotch Piss off will you? Actually piss off!
Cat: Oh no. You didn't just do that to Tank Cat...he stares in disbelief Hah, okay, now you done it.
Cat rushes towards the duo and bites their shoulders with a lot of force. Causing severe bleeding and pain in those respective areas. He leaves them go unconscious and grabs Tank Cat as they make their way towards Bob and Axe Cat.
Cat: to Those Guys Never kick Tank Cat in the crotch...EVER! he hisses quietly, before tugging on Bob's left leg Oh hey Bob. A lot of shit happened and I think Tank Cat needs some ice. he gulps nervously
Bob: he gets distracted as he turns to Cat Oh shit. Really? he looks at Tank Cat, grabbing his crotch in agony Oh for fuck sake! Hey at least Those Guys are already down. I was about to take their lives.
Tank Cat: weakly Heh. Thanks Cat...thanks Bob. he smiles brightly as he seems to be in less pain I really appreciate it guys.
Pigge: weakly Where the hell is Doge and Snache? I'm in too much pain to get up. she snarls at the Cats and Bob in front of her I will absolutely demolish each and every one of you.
Everyone turns to see Cow Cat currently charging at Doge. Doge is severely fucked up. His right ear is all crumpled. His nose is bleeding out of both nostrils. His abdomen is purple in color. And his left eye is blacked out. His esophagus is also busted up. He has horn marks all over his torso and back too. Cow Cat got away with a slightly chiseled right horn and a few bruises. He continues to charge at Doge and eventually, pins him down.
Cow Cat: Nowhere to run now, puppy dog! Give it up, or you get smacked the fuck up. I will always out-run you by the way. I've been running since I was a kitty calf!
Doge: whimpering in pain I get it! Please, I give up. I was sent here by Pigge, now go after her. She should pay. Not me. If I get hit once more, I'll die!
Bob: walks up to the commotion, he places a hand on Cow Cat's shoulder blade He'll die if you go any further, like he said earlier he grins Deixe-o em paz. (Leave him be)
Cow Cat: Consider yourself lucky. Doge! he smirks playfully as he releases his horns from the ground
Doge: shakes there in traumatization I should probably not get involved any further.
Snache and Gross Cat also bring their duel over to the main battlefield. They are clashing it out like proper gentlemen. Gross Cat tries to kick Snache with his long legs. And Snache bites into his paws, causing them to bleed. However, Gross Cat doubles down and whacks Snache so hard he goes unconscious for three seconds. Before resuming.
Snache: AGH! Someday, I will slaughter all of your friends. And you too! Too bad I won't be there for the funeral. And if I do come. Orange is the new Black. he grins as he slithers towards Gross Cat
Gross Cat: Well, good luck getting Tank Cat to die. He's literally made of rubber! he whacks Snache from afar, taking advantage of his longer range
Snache: Stop attacking me from afar and approach me like a man! Unless, you aren't one! he giggles as he questions Gross Cat's masculinity
Gross Cat: Says the one who puts Water Color paint all over his body like a canvas! he grabs a bottle of water and smirks
Snache: Oh no...ANYTHING BUT THAT! Okay, you emasculate me in every angle! Okay, are you happy now? Don't ruin this! It took hours to paint...
Gross Cat: Yeah. I'm only going to give you water because you look like a dehydrated squash. he pours the water all over Snache, his scales turning Snow White Now you look like a premature squash!
Snache: Why you- gets interrupted by Tank Cat
Tank Cat: Hey Snache. Do you have any of that water color paint by any chance? I need it for drawing. he fidgets with his paws and does a cheesy smile
Snache: Yeah, here...take it before I kick your head in with my tail! he points his tail as a threat, on it is the water colors too And for your information, it isn't makeup, Gross Cat! It's art.
Gross Cat giggles away as he joins in with the rest of the Cats and Bob. Tank Cat comes by with the water colors and puts them in Bob's pockets, to his confusion. Everyone is now ready to see Pigge being delivered with an ultimate punishment for disrespecting the Battle Act. Axe Cat runs towards the enemy base and breaks the door down. He later returns with the inferior, normal, and superior Tropical Juice treasures.
Bob: After I find out where to put these water color paints, I will deliver you with a punishment so enduring. That you could die if it happened to you just twice. But I have my limits, Porca! (Pig!) So you'll only receive it once. Oh and Snache?
Snache: What the hell do you want? he slithers his way towards Bob
Bob: he punches him in the face causing him to bruise up and fall to the ground unconscious That was for making Tank fill my pockets with unnecessary bullshit. he cracks his neck Now, time for your punishment, Pigge!
Pigge: Just get it over with! I'm tired of all of this nonsense. Quit stalling like a dumbass, will you? she coughs up some blood Ugh...
Bob: Está bem...(Okay...) THIS IS YOUR FATE YOU FILTHY BASTARD!
Bob grabs Pigge with anger fueled strength, and tosses her across the field. Just before she lands, Axe Cat manages to get up on the roof and gives her one more blow to the nose with his axe. A lot of blood is present as the building collapses.
Cow Cat: Holy fuck. Bob is literally The Punisher! No doubt about it.
Tank Cat: Bob, thank you for not taking that "water color paint" anger out on me! he beams with happiness But I could go for some ice right now...his crotch still hurts
Bob: Yeah, I'll get you some ice you big baby! he nudges Tank Cat playfully There should be some in the fridge because I am not actually getting it for you. Pigge fucked me up a bit.
Most of the Cats make their way back to the Cat Base. Bob is rubbing his neck in pain. Pigge actually managed to crush his pancreas and leave a sprain on his left ankle. His lips and nose are also bleeding from the impact. And to top it all off, his body is covered in grime. Axe Cat carries the Tropical Juice variants back home.
Doge: weakly Ah fuck...No wonder you all hate the Boss Wave so much. he groans as he holds his waist in pain Shit, everything hurts!
Cat: walks up to Doge What can we say? We're naturals! Be grateful Bob chose to spare you out of all the enemies to make it somewhere safe. Heh.
Doge: Yeah. THANKS BOB! he smirks as he raises his paws in the air
Bob: Don't mention it jackass. he does a thumbs up to show mutuality between the two enemies I love punishing my enemies, but I don't hate them. Opponents need to show respect on the battlefield. Or some shit like that, I read a book once. he grins as he spits his toothpick into the ground
Cat: You can make it back inside, it's getting cold. And dark. Cat throws a spare scarf for Bob The Maldives are hot, but the night can still be chilly. I'll be with you in a second.
Bob: Okay, I'll leave you to whatever the hell you need to do. he smirks as he makes his way inside
Doge: So...I should probably grab the rest of the enemies and go. he grins as he begins to place Snache and Those Guys on top of Pigge I'm still sore but I can walk. Anyways, why are you still out here?
Cat: I just wanted to see you...and hear your thoughts on the gift. The one I gave you a while back, remember? he grins as he sits down at the wall of the Cat Base
Doge: stops and turns to Cat Oh yeah, I remember that. Yeah I actually loved the gift. If we weren't rivals I'd consider you as a friend. Our rivalry taught us a shit ton about each other. So I'm not the most surprised you knew my interests so well. he giggles as he begins to roll Pigge
Cat: lost for words You're telling me you liked it? Like, seriously? Oh...thanks Doge. he bashfully chuckles before standing up I suppose I should head inside. Bob is waiting for me. I can literally see his shadow. See you Doge...he waves goodbye before entering the Cat Base
Doge: Yeah, ADEUS! (Goodbye!) I can speak some Portuguese now thanks to him. Damn. he sighs before waving goodbye and rolling Pigge
Now everybody is inside. They are all cozying up for tomorrow. Including Bob, despite being the tough little chap he always was shown as. They are all eating some Cat Food and talking about basic stuff, nothing surprising. But eventually they bring up the next location tomorrow as a topic.
Bob: Say, where are we going next, Cat? Somewhere interesting I hope... he folds his arms impatiently
Cat: he flicks through the log book It's no other than India. We will be fighting for the Curry treasure. And we are facing...everyone we normally face, and this time Hippoe is back. But not as a boss. Plus we have Cow Cat, so we should be able to breeze through this journey. he giggles as he closes the log book
Tank Cat: I agree. I feel like Hippoe is nowhere near as threatening as they once were when we first encountered them.
Cow Cat: he yawns loudly I'm heading to bed. If you need me, I'll be finding a good excuse to move out of sharing a room with Gross Cat!
Gross Cat: clearly offended Oh come on! I'm not that bad. I just like to appear as appealing as possible. But I fuck it up sometimes.
Axe Cat: Screw it, I'm tired as well. And Matilda needs her beauty sleep. he grins, to everyone else's annoyance
Everyone follows suit to Cow Cat's suggestion and makes their way to bed. India is only a dream away for these Cats, as they will be fighting a former boss like they're a normal enemy. Only time will tell what will happen to them.
TO BE CONTINUED
And just like that, 10 editions of this fiction are DONE! Here we get to see the introduction to enemy traits as well as Pigge making her debut in the story. I tried to stay as respectful to the source material as possible. I also am approaching the end of the Giant Safe Arc. So the Cats will be stronger yet again!
Stay tuned for what next time has in offer!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its respective characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him, just as long as you credit me as the owner.
The referenced series Punisher is owned by Marvel Comics and Gerry Conway.
This fiction is 100% unofficial and can be considered as fan made.