WELCOME ALL TO THE ELEVENTH EDITION OF THE KICK-ASS STORY BASED OFF OF THE HIT MOBILE GAME. THE BATTLE CATS: X! WE ARE NOW FINISHING THE GIANT SAFE ARC. SO SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW.
On a quiet morning in India. A rumbling could be heard in a certain building. That building is no other than the Cat Base! Cat is sorting through the inferior, normal, and superior treasures while calculating their values. He is upstairs in the small attic. Where the Cat Cannon is also positioned.
Cat: to himself So if I get this right...we just have to obtain the Superior variant of the Curry treasure alone to afford the Giant Safe! Meaning we can spend the Inferior and Normal ones on miscellaneous. he grins from ear to ear as he continues rummaging through
Bob is going up to that same attic to obtain something. He finds Cat sorting through the treasures and approaches him.
Bob: Hey Cat, by any chance have you seen- oh never mind, I already found it. he grabs a random (association) football The other Cats and I are playing a little game of 'Footie outside. Are you joining us?
Cat: Yeah, of course! Give me two seconds. I'm just sorting through all of these treasures we obtained on our journeys so far. Post-obtaining the Energy Drinks! he shows Bob the treasure variants of the Didgeridoos, the Merlions, and the Tropical Juices Now all we need is the Superior Curry! Just that variant only, and we can afford the Giant Safe. We can grab the other two, don't get me wrong. But we can spend that on miscellaneous stuff really...
Bob: Ah I see...he looks over the treasures without coming across as nosy I'll be outside the back if you need me. We'll be starting a 3v3 match soon. So we actually need you to balance shit out.
Cat: Okay I'm ready now! Let's head outside and play some football. he smirks as he pounces on Bob, scaring him
The two make their way to the backyard. All of the other Cats are setting up goalposts out of branches from trees. And they are making crests out of the water color paint Tank Cat borrowed from Snache. Outside, there are also a bunch of drawings based on Indian sites, all drawn by the iconic square mouth Cat!
Tank Cat: Okay, we have Blue F.C., as well as Red United. I drew these lovely crests by myself. As I played for both clubs. A constant transfer situation really!
Axe Cat: Why are you taking this back yard game so seriously? This isn't a career simulator. Also I call dibs on Red United. he grabs the armband and becomes their captain Hey Bob, how good are you at goals?
Bob: Alright I guess, I'm more of an attacker really. I was never a goalkeeper, so I'm inexperienced. But I was defender a few times, and I stoped the goals coming in like a goalkeeper would.
Tank Cat: Too late for that! I call captain on Blue F.C.! And Bob is on my team! he smirks as he grabs Bob and tugs him towards himself, putting on the captain armband
Axe Cat: I call Cow Cat! He's the best goalscorer I know. I have to have him on the team. he drags Cow Cat towards him
Cow Cat: Yeah! I'm a damn good forward. And a swift goal scorer. he pulls his front hoof across the ground
Tank Cat: I have to pick Cat. No doubt about that. he beams brightly But you're on goals, sorry! he stammers as he picks him
Cat: I'm decent at football, including goal keeper. You can trust me. I can stop several goals. If the ball isn't coming at an incredibly fast rate!
Gross Cat: Aw why am I last to be picked!? I'm literally better than Cat at goal keeping. he mumbles in annoyance as he makes his way towards Axe and Cow Cat Good luck trying to make us concede though! he smirks slyly
And so the two teams begin to play football. With Cat and Gross Cat in goals. The teams are fairly balanced. Mainly because Bob is carrying his team! But having to deal with an agile player, an aggressive player, and a goal keeper with long enough limbs to cover the entire goal without moving, is not easy work! Cow Cat scores twice in a row. But Bob manages to get a goal in. Making it 2-1.
Cow Cat: Hah! 2-1. You better be ready for what we have to bring. Because it will knock your socks off!
Bob: Sim, certo! (Yeah, right!) he cracks his knuckles as they continue playing
And so, the mini game continues and the two teams are playing their asses off. Axe Cat scores once. And Bob scores once again. But Cow Cat delivers the final blow and makes it 4-2. Bob's team has lost the match. Everyone shakes their opponents' hands.
Bob: Well, good game. Surprised I was actually beaten. he shakes his opposition's hands Well, that's because you guys had Gross Cat in goals.
Gross Cat: smirks with pride What can I say? I'm a natural, and definitely the Most Valued Player! he jumps out and makes his way inside Are we going to fight these enemies now?
Cat: Hey Cow Cat, you did pretty well there scoring against me. What a badass hat trick that was! I could barely block them! he grins as he makes his way inside the Cat Base
Cow Cat: Aw shucks, I was just doing what I could. he giggles bashfully But yeah, let's make our way out. We don't know what these enemies are capable of. he runs outside of the Cat base and onto the battlefield
All of the Cats and Bob make their way outside to take on the enemies. Which includes Doge, Snache, Those Guys, and Hippoe. But first, they take in the base in front of them and see what it looks like. It is a stereotypical Indian base recreating a large Pita Bread. With a sauce boat containing curry being poured onto the bread. It was actually impressive seeing the curry being recreated out of wood.
Tank Cat: This is surely a base to behold! I wonder what all of the enemies are getting up to inside... he peeks out into the open door to see what is going on
Cow Cat: I don't know about you. But this surely looks delicious. Just as long as it doesn't have any beef in it! Which I believe is the case because Hindus don't eat beef!
Gross Cat: slaps Cow Cat in the back of the head Why are you taking this so seriously? It's a design made out of wood!
Cow Cat: It's a sensitive topic for me, partner. he shutters in disgust I don't want to be eaten.
Gross Cat: Okay, good point. I guess. he scoffs as he investigates the enemy base further
Inside the enemy base. Hippoe and Snache were spying on the Cats all along! And they were surprised at what unfolded. They both just give each other glances. Hippoe is lost for words as they try to speak up.
Hippoe: Is this what we are dealing with? This might be excellent news for us. They're probably tired after playing such a match of football there. they cackle loudly
Snache (without water colors): Whatever floats your boat. Hippoe. But I can clearly see that they have the energy. Look he points at their storage room They have Energy Drinks! A shit ton of them. They could have enough energy to last them ages if they wanted. It is quite a scary sight to behold.
Hippoe: How about we just try and get the Cats out of the way and unleash all of our energy on Bob. Because Pigge was really powerful against them all. But Axe Cat is an anti-red Cat. He has weapons and equipment suited to counter the reds. Just like Ninja Cat was too.
Snache: he sighs Yeah, that's true. But there's no red enemies. And Ninja Cat isn't even a part of The Battle Act! So it should be much easier to get them out of here. he slithers away I need to get my body paint back. I look like a freak without my water colors. But like I said earlier, it's simple.
Doge and Those Guys are playing video games in the room next to them. They seem really focused on beating each other. Snache comes in and watches.
Doge: I'm going to beat all of your asses! You can guarantee on that. I've been playing this game for almost a decade! he continues to mash his buttons
That Guy A: Well, I have a special trick up my sleeve. Just like our good old friend Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy when it comes to his special tricks against us! he pauses the whole game (he is Player 1) and fills out a cheat code Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Circle, X! he instantly gets maxed out and has all the abilities found in the game Now prepare to die! he instantly kills of Doge and Those Guys B and C, winning effortlessly
That Guy B: Aw no fair! How was I supposed to see that coming.
Doge: This is an outrage, a fucking outrage!
That Guy C: RAAH! he throws his controller, it lands on Snache's face Oh, my bad.
Snache: AGH! You hit my eye! You fucking piece of shit. he grumbles as he grabs him
Doge: Well, we'll be heading outside if you need us. he rushes out of there as fast as possible
That Guy B: Yeah, bye everyone. Hope you all don't trip on eachother. And you! he points at that Guy A No more cheat codes! Or you'll no longer be Player 1.
That Guy A: Aw! No fair. he pouts as he turns off the console and watches Snache and That Guy C fight Big meanie!
Hippoe, Doge, and That Guy B make their way outside. They come across all of the Cats and Bob and see that their army is twice the size of their current one. They all seem scared enough to the point where Doge and That Guy B hide behind Hippoe.
Gross Cat: Okay, don't take this personally. But where the actual hell is your army? Isn't there like, two other stickman, and a snake? All missing from the epic fight we will take part in. he leans on Bob
Bob: being pushed down by Gross Cat's heavy body and thick fur Yeah...whatever the fuck he said. But of course, I'm not here to talk shit or anything. We're all here to get the curry so we can finally fund the costs of an unnamed buff which we will not reveal to you all.
Hippoe: I never asked for that information by the way. But of course what I can do is treat you like a water melon and shove you inside my gob and eat you alive! they smirk menacingly If that's what you want.
Cat: Well, I wouldn't mind being a water melon. Sounds kind of cool actually. But I'll be the one beating the shit out of you. gets scared N-not in a one-on-one now. But I will be attacking you so much you'll scream for support. Same goes for Doge and That Guy over there!
That Guy B: Oh shit Doge, they know we're hiding here! he shakes in fear as he hides behind Doge who's behind Hippoe
Doge: Are you an actual idiot? This isn't hide and seek! We're not hiding from the Cats, we're hiding behind Hippoe so they can soak all the damage for us. Simple stuff really...he places a paw on his shoulder as they huddle up together
Snache and That Guy C come out of the base looking fucked up. They busted each other's faces to the point where Snache had free water color spots on his body, made entirely out of purple bruises! They were bruised up, That Guy C's arm is dislocated, and Snache's tail was crumpled up. They were both bleeding. Soon enough That Guy A comes out, he seems he was crying, as his head has a pink hue to it. And it was all wet, alongside his arms. He was also quivering.
Snache: he coughs up blood Tank Cat, do you still have the water colors I lent you a while back? he looks into him with desperation
Tank Cat: Yeah I do. Here you go! he grins as he gives him the water colors
Snache: disappointed You used up half of the entire set you greedy little pussy! he grumbles as he goes through it At least you didn't use a lot of the gray paint. That shit you used up could have lasted me for months! he scoffs, before biting Tank Cat's right ear and painting himself
Tank Cat: Okay, that's it, now you're getting it! We're going to be handing your ass to you so hard. You won't even remember what happened in the first place. he head butts Snache while he paints, ruining his painting process
Doge: Oh fuck, Snache is going to brawl again! he stares in anticipation I can sense it coming. he bites his claws
Snache: The battle isn't starting yet. I just want to make sure this paint waster realizes the shit he did and why it's wrong. he slithers towards Tank Cat and pounces on him, biting into his neck, causing it to bleed
The Battle...begins? Well, according to Snache, he says he isn't ready to start it yet. But Tank Cat and Snache are attacking each other like crazy. But due to the latter's severe injuries. It doesn't take long for him to be knocked out. Unable to fight. Tank Cat makes it out okay, with a bleeding neck. But he has little to no injuries.
Tank Cat: Yeah, stay like that. Your water color body painting session can resume tomorrow. he kicks Snache before making his way back
Bob: he grins as he flicks his toothpick Estás pronto, Tank Cat? (Are you ready, Tank Cat?)
Tank Cat: SIM! (YEAH!) Let's have at it!
The Battle really Begins! Bob and Cat rush forward, and make their way towards Hippoe, Doge, and That Guy B. Hippoe attacks by biting down on Cat's tail, causing it to crumple up. Bob responds by punching Hippoe from under their jawline. Causing them to go up and land on their back. Their jaw is really bruised up. And they are coughing up blood. Doge manages to grab That Guy B and slide away in time before Hippoe could flatten them.
Bob: Heh, that's what you get for fucking with us. he cracks his knuckles through the brass knuckles What can I say? This shit is a lot more enjoyable than I thought. he grins before turning to Cat Hey, are you alright by any chance? he gently grabs hold of his tail
Cat: he flinches in pain Yeah. I believe I'm okay...but my tail really hurts. he grabs it and tries to hide it behind his back so it doesn't get even more injured from attacks Hippoe clearly can handle a round two! So let's get to them and clear out any peons! he grabs Bob's hand and they rush towards the enemies
Axe Cat is dealing with That Guy C, who was severely beaten up by Snache. Axe Cat effortlessly slams his head in with his axe, and chuckles away at the scene of That Guy C being put to sleep.
Axe Cat: HAH! That was incredibly easy. Isn't that right, Matilda? he kisses his axe
Gross Cat (as "Matilda"!): sneaks up on him, and puts on a high pitched, stereotypically effeminate voice Oh yes my sweet Axe Cat! You were so strong out there. Give me another kiss, Mwah mwah mwah!
Axe Cat: WAAH! he drops his axe and turns pale, he turns to see Gross Cat and glares at him How dare you do such a thing to me! I was trying to make a cool scene for myself and you had to ruin it!
Gross Cat: Ruining things is my middle name! Alongside Sexy...but it's unofficial and still requires its verification! he giggles, to Axe Cat's disgust
Axe Cat: Well go out there and deal with the crying prick! Come on, Sexy! Chop chop. he shoves him away, Gross Cat continues giggling
Cow Cat: What the hell did you just call Gross Cat? he nudges Axe Cat, to which he shrieks again
Axe Cat: Can people stop sneaking up on me! Push this guy away from me. He's creeping me out. he pokes That Guy C with his axe
Cow Cat: Okay, fine. I will do it. But just as long as you don't have a relationship w- he gets shoved by Axe Cat before he could finish his sentence Okay okay! Jesus Christ on a bicycle. he rolls his eyes as he picks That Guy C and brings him towards Snache
Meanwhile. Cat and Tank Cat are dealing with Doge and That Guy B. Cat and Doge are biting eachother and are wrestling. While Tank Cat and That Guy B are slapping each other. Tank Cat head butts him down. Before That Guy B getting up and kicking Tank Cat in the chest. All four fighters are mildly injured. With little to no bleeding.
Tank Cat: Ugh! You are such a resistant little man, do you realize that? he grabs him by the head and slams him to the ground
That Guy B: Oh, you should see resistant with the others! That Guy over there was so resistant about using cheat codes in video games! he points towards That Guy A and He was so resistant when fighting against Snache! he points towards the Snache and That Guy C pile It was an out of the bounds scene.
Tank Cat: Really? Huh. That's actually rather surprising when you think about it. he shrugs his shoulders and watches Cat and Doge fight, and pushing That Guy B to the floor, to his anger
Cat: Call me...El Gato Libre! (SPANISH for "The Free Cat!") And you are El Perro Terrible! (SPANISH for "The Terrible Dog!") Because you're terrible at wrestling. And can't even fight back.
Doge: Oh yeah, well, can El Perro Terrible do this!? he grabs Cat and bites deeply into his left shoulder and pins him down Uno, dos tr- gets interrupted by Cat, who counter-pins him down
Cat: And before long...you'll disappear without a Tres! And you'll go down! he bites Doge's ear and kicks his abdomen, causing it to bruise up And stay down, like a good little doggy would! he slams Doge into the ground, causing his back to break and his throat to bleed out I don't think he can respond...he gulps he looks unconscious.
Gross Cat approaches Cat and grins. He grabbed That Guy A and brought him over. And slapped him in the back of the head.
Cat: Gross Cat? What the hell are you doing with one of Those Guys? he skeptically backs away, before tripping over Doge's body Ah shit...
Gross Cat: Oh, I am showing That Guy B, wait no...he notices the birthmark on the forehead...That Guy A that you can beat people without cheat codes. Because the second I approached him. He started whining like a newborn fetus.
That Guy A: teary eyed It's not true! I was just upset that I am not allowed to use cheat codes anymore whenever we play video games! It's not fair.
That Guy B: Well, that's because you always cheat. You never actually play the game to earn your skills and levels! he smacks him in the face, which causes him to full-on cry
That Guy A: crying I will always use cheat codes! No matter what you think! WAAH... he rubs his "eyes" to clear out the tears
Tank Cat: Oh dear. What exactly is going on here? he approaches the commotion
Gross Cat: Oh be quiet! You're not his mother now, are you? he slaps That Guy in the back of the head so hard, that he became unconscious from that alone
Cat: Oh God damn it, Gross, you made another one unconscious with your slaps. he playfully nudges him before rolling his eyes
Gross Cat: What can I say? Go big or go home. But right now, I just want to go home and have the Curry treasures here already. he stares into the enemy base, and nudges Cat back, a bit too hard to the point where it hurts Oh shit, my bad.
Bob is dueling Hippoe with the help of Cow Cat. Hippoe charges into Cow Cat and bites at one of his legs, causing it to break. And therefore he is unable to move.
Cow Cat: Agh! he cries in pain H-Hippoe got the best of me Bob. I'll leave it to you to finish them off. I managed to stab them with my horns. he weakly points at Hippoe's bleeding chest All you have to do is to just deliver an extra hit! Think you can manage that?
Bob: Of course. Sem dúvida. (Without doubt) I will beat the shit out of Hippoe. he cracks his neck For you, Cow Cat, and for the others. But right meow, he stammers I mean now, it's for you. he clears his throat after the accidental meow, to which Cow Cat cackles away at ALRIGHT HIPPOE, LET'S HAVE AT IT.
Hippoe: Indeed we shall, Bob. Let us brawl over the fate of the cattle! they snigger at the pun they made Prepare to die, you filthy Human!
The two of them charge right into each other with a lot of force. Hippoe bites at Bob's forehead, but he manages to dodge before it completely crushes his skull! Hippoe manages to slam into his left arm. Causing the hand to bleed out. Bob counters this by going after the bleeding chest.
Bob: he coughs out some blood Gah! weakly Any last words before I finish you off? he grins smugly as he pounds his fists together
Hippoe: Oh please, you did that with everyone else. I know what you're going to do now! they roll their eyes and snarl at Bob
Bob: Oh really? Well how about countering THIS! Bob pounces right into Hippoe and punches their bleeding chest. Causing it to burst out with blood, and for them to land into the Indian base. Take THAT! Heh. I could go for some curry now actually. Feeling quite hungry. he rubs his hands together before going into the Indian base, the treasure variants aren't actually edible, as they're made of bronze, silver, or gold Oh shit. I can't eat this. Ah well! Bob grabs the Curry variants and makes his way out
Cat: Bob! You got the Curry!? Inferior, normal, superior? You do? Well, I'm impressed Bob. he nuzzles into his leg And don't worry about my tail, I actually managed to tackle Doge with it. he giggles before making his way to the Cat Base
Bob: I'll be there with you in a second! he looks at Doge, Snache, Those Guys A and C, and Hippoe That was quite the journey. We punched some spastics into oblivion.
That Guy B: I'm still here. AND still in well condition you know? he pounces at Bob, but Bob counters by punching his body into the front wall of the Indian Base, causing him to bruise up and bleed out from many places Ow...someone...call a doctor! Anyone?
Bob: Idiota...(idiot...) he picks up Cow Cat in his arms EVERYONE! LET'S HEAD BACK.
Cow Cat: This...is a really uncomfortable position for me to be carried in. You know? he grumbles as he tries to adjust himself
Bob: Too bad so fucking sad. We are only a few meters away from the Cat Base. You know? he grins as he makes his way inside
The Cats and Bob are all inside resting, and recovering from their injuries. Cow Cat is sleeping on a couch while everyone else is sitting around on different couches or singular chairs. Bob speaks up.
Bob: That was some crazy-ass shit show for sure. But I wonder what tomorrow will bring us. he shrugs Cat?
Cat: Tomorrow, he flicks through his log book we are heading to Nepal! And the treasure is...Devotion? What a crazy title for treasure. Oh, and the enemies are the exact same except for Hippoe being replaced with Pigge. But the best bit is, we are meeting up with two Cats! One is from The Battle Act, and the other is from The Special Forces. So that's nice.
Axe Cat: Now that's what I'm talking about! Red enemies, easy shit for me. And meeting up with another Cat! Well, two, but still! I just hope Ninja Cat won't be an ass.
Gross Cat: Ninja Cat and Sumo Cat are both pretty chill, I just want to find out more about the third guy, then we'll be sorted.
Cat: We can find out tomorrow! But for now, let's just head to bed. I'm tired, and I bet we all are.
Most of the Cats, except Cat, go to bed, Cow Cat being carried by Gross Cat. Bob is also staying up to see why Cat isn't heading up to their room. He just stands there, confused.
Cat: Bob, follow me to the attic! And bring the Curry variants! We'll need them. he grabs Bob by the hand and rushes towards the attic
Bob: Woah! What the hell is going on here? he almost drops the superior Curry, but he manages to keep it in his clutch
Cat: If I am correct, we have what we need for the Giant Safe! It will increase the amount of money and items we can contain during battle! It is really essential.
Bob: Ah, I get it now. he watches Cat do his thing I believe we have enough! he calculates the cost of the Giant Safe WE DO! Fuck yeah. he grins as he hugs Cat tightly
Cat: he is giggling as he holds the treasure Okay. The Didgeridoo, the Merlion, the Tropical Juice, and now the Curry! It's official, we can afford the Giant Safe, and even more essential items!
They go to their rooms. Bob falls asleep, but Cat quickly rushes outside and trades the obtained treasure for the Giant Safe. Before making it back and climbing on to his bed to sleep. Concluding yet another battle, and reaching another epic milestone on their journey.
TO BE CONTINUED
Well, I did it again! Another kick-ass arc done and dusted! Next episode is the beginning of the third arc of the series, The Relativity Clock Arc! Also, to my Spanish readers out there, ¡VIVA ESPAÑA! You guys really cooked in the Euros 2024, that's why I wanted to add a football match at the start of the episode. I hope you like the reference. :)
Anyways, besides all that, stay tuned for the next episode!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him, just as long as you credit me as the owner, and not make a profit out of him.
This fiction is 100% unofficial, and can be considered as fan-made.