WELCOME EVERYONE TO THE TWELFTH EDITION OF MY KICK-ASS STORY BASED OFF OF THE HIT MOBILE GAME. KNOWN TO MANY AS THE BATTLE CATS: X! THIS IS ALSO THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE RELATIVITY CLOCK ARC. SO ENJOY THIS MASTERPIECE.
Now The Battle Act find themselves in Nepal as they just recently acquired the Giant Safe. Now they are outside admiring it with love. Bob is attempting to lift it on his own. To which the Cats watch in awe.
Gross Cat: He is seriously going to break his back. he sips on some orange juice in a glass I'm being serious here.
Cat: Nope, he is clearly lifting with his legs. You can see his legs are shaking, but not his back! So his legs are going to break. he smirks, to Gross Cat's annoyance
Bob: visibly struggling I...can do this. One second, Cats! he pushes his body deeper into the Giant Safe
Tank Cat: If you end up breaking this Giant Safe now...he shakes his head in denial, before speaking up It will simply crush you, AND us!
Cat: Oh...wait a second. What is happening to the safe!? Is he, actually doing it!? he gulps as he watches the safe
Bob manages to get the Giant Safe and lift it above the ground. First by 2in, then 5in. And eventually lifts it up to 17in above the ground. Which is enough to fit an adult Corgi vertically underneath. All of the Cats watch in denial.
Cow Cat: Did he...literally lift a 500 pound Giant Safe above his knees? God damn, that's strength for sure.
Axe Cat: Now put it down Bob! You might as well kill someone with that thing! he backs away from Bob, who is visibly in pain Don't hurt Matilda!
Bob: he grunts as he struggles to keep it up, he drops it, causing a large thud, large enough to put the Cats above the ground Phew. Let me tell you. This Safe sure is a Giant one. he flicks his toothpick Now, who here wants a go at lifting it?
All five of the Cats simultaneously: NOT ME! they all back away from Bob, to his amusement
Bob: Alright then. No Safe lifting! he sighs Say, when are we meeting with the two new Cats? I'm dying to meet them! he rubs his hands together
Cat: We have to obtain the Devotion treasures first. I believe it'll be like most cases where the new guys miss half of the fight! Just like you all missed the fight we had before meeting up. he giggles, to the other Cats' annoyance
Cow Cat: There's no doubt that it's most likely Bird Cat who we will be meeting up with. He likes these kind of places. And I don't blame him really. he grins as he walks away I think I'm liking Nepal already!
Bob: in his mind (Bird Cat, who the fuck is that supposed to be?) out loud I'm sure we'll meet up with him at some point, you know? he cracks his knuckles I'm just looking forward to fighting these enemies again.
Tank Cat: And we'll be meeting with The Special Forces too! As they are meeting up with one of their Cats in Nepal as well. I am trying to figure out who though...
Gross Cat: I don't give a fuck...he puffs up his chest I will handle these enemies and meet up with both one of our buddies, and one of theirs. he walks away
Axe Cat: Hey, hey, hey! he grabs Gross Cat by the leg You'll be needing me. As I can soak most of Pigge's damage. he smirks cockily as he walks ahead of him
Gross Cat: But Ninja C- gets interrupted by Axe Cat
Axe Cat: Don't you ever mention that name in front of me. I don't want to deal with her. Okay? he grumbles, to Gross Cat's amusement
Tank Cat: Wait Axe Cat, I am the main damage soaker! Let me soak up all the damage for you. he grabs Axe Cat and rushes ahead
Cat: Wait Tank Cat, you'll be unable to do damage to Pigge and her goons! Let me come with you all! he grabs Tank Cat and rushes ahead
Cow Cat: Aw, come on Cat! You all are as slow as a rock. Allow me to do the speeding for you. he grabs Cat and sprints ahead
Bob: I've been giving you all the wins you need. And did you see me lift that Safe? Tu tens que me deixar ir! (You have to let me come!)
And so, all of the Cats and Bob make their way outside. They take in the Nepalese base. It is a stereotypical Nepalese base based off of the famous Mount Everest! Which is the largest mountain on Earth. It is located on the Chinese-Nepalese border. And is considered to be the most iconic tourist attraction of the Nepalis. There is also a brick entrance at the front. With re-created flags coming out from it. It is quite a unique building considering it is made purely from wood.
Gross Cat: Are you seriously telling me we have to climb up Mount Everest? This has to be some sort of joke! he giggles at the joke he made, everyone else seems annoyed
Cat: I wonder where are all of the enemies? They're always late. Which is really a shame to be honest. But I shouldn't complain. If they were earlier than us, we'd probably lose to them.
Bob: Wait, hold up, I think I hear some sort of commotion going on inside. Shush and let me listen. he stops dead in his tracks and listens in to the commotion I believe I can hear them...
Inside the Enemy Base. Doge, Snache, Those Guys, and Pigge are all huddled together watching some sort of Reality TV show. They all seem invested in it.
TV Presenter: Who will Sophie pick to go out with on a date? And who will be walking the plank? Find out on the next episode of "Argh, me Hearties!"
TV official advert of Nepalese broadcast: LIVE AT 8:00PM tonight, Nepalese time.
Doge: Oh, I think it's Chad, guaranteed. No doubt about that. he munches into some popcorn He is literally the best man for Sophie, he's considerate, funny, and can easily forgive her if she does anything wrong.
Pigge: Oh no, it has to be Brock. Sophie is clearly into his rich attire and strong personality! He can definitely make her his own in milliseconds. I am sure of it.
Snache: I'm still surprised at how they made a Pirate themed Romantic Drama Reality show. he steals the popcorn But I have to pick Isaac. Because of his artistic skills and his romantic language. If I was a girl, I'd date him. he smirks as he continues eating
Those Guys simultaneously: STEVE! HE IS RIPPED.
That Guy A: And he owns his own personal pet crocodile.
That Guy B: Did we mention he is jacked out? Look at bro's six pack! He is actually stronger than Pigge over here. And way stronger than Bob!
That Guy C: Wait. What exactly are we supposed to be doing? We are in here eating popcorn when we should be...
Every Enemy simultaneously: ...ATTACKING THE BATTLE ACT AND THE SPECIAL FORCES!
They all rush outside at the same time. Clogging the door and popping out of it. They all seem mentally distracted when they came out from the base. They all see the opponents they have to face. Bob steps up and speaks up.
Bob: Look, I don't know where the hell the rest of our total army is. But let me tell you...we are going to kick your asses so hard that you won't even know when we come at you all. Heh. he flicks his toothpick Preparem-se para morrer. (Prepare to die)
Snache: For your information, we were all watching some top notch, quality television!
Axe Cat: Yeah, really. What show was it? he scoffs as he stares at Snache in disbelief It is probably something shitty.
Snache: Argh, Me Hearties. What else is there on television that keeps you on your toes? he rolls his eyes
Tank Cat: Wait...you all watch, "Argh, Me Hearties!"?That's our favorite show to watch on a typical evening! I can't believe we all have a unique interest. he beams brightly
Bob: I actually watched the entirety of last season before I was sent away. he grins Maybe we might spare you all from unconsciousness so you can all watch the season finale once it's on. Because I doubt being unconscious will make you able to watch its end. he chuckles as he cracks his knuckles
Cat: Why don't we all battle it out to see who will win in the very end? But remember, no unconscious people. Otherwise the person who deals the blow, has to sit outside and miss the show. And have to go through the embarrassment of searching up the winner online. Do we have a deal?
Doge: I don't know about the rest of these guys, but I believe we have a deal!
Gross Cat: Than it's settled! Let's have a kick-ass battle, but make sure all of us can make it home tonight.
The Battle Begins! Axe Cat rushes up to Pigge, and slices her abdomen with his Axe. Pigge is quick to respond with a slam, causing Axe Cat to go flying! The two continue to clash it out.
Axe Cat: scratches his nose Hah! I fucked up your stomach there. Heheh. Now you look like fried bacon strips!
Pigge: coughing blood You filthy wanker. Get back here you bloody idiot! So I can deliver my revenge onto you. she snarls at Axe Cat before charging right into his direction
Cat: Allow me, Axe! he spits on the ground I can help with clearing Pigge out of the way if you like. he giggles as he pounces in Pigge
Cat eventually soars himself onto Pigge and bites down onto her neck. Causing her to go down, but she manages to counter attack by slamming down onto Cat, breaking his back.
Cat: AGH! Why you little...he coughs up some blood as he glares at Pigge
Axe Cat: See, I told you, you'd get in the way and ruin yourself! he scoffs as he slices at Pigge's legs, to her pain
Cat: You didn't even SAY anything! he slaps Axe Cat across the face before limping his way towards another enemy
Cow Cat is dealing with Snache. They are charging at each other with full speed. The two eventually start fighting as they pounce right onto one another and attack. Snache whips his tail across Cow Cat's utters, causing him to yelp out in pain and do a trigger response by kicking him in the face. Similar to most cattle and horses.
Snache: My jaw...he grabs his own jaw in agony How fucking dare you? I went through enough struggles buying more water color paint. But now I have to deal with a damaged jaw.
Cow Cat: he cowers in pain as he pushes his right hoof across the ground Well, you should have thought about that before hitting me right in the utters, buckaroo!
Snache: What was that supposed to be...some sort of slur against me? he stares at Cow Cat in disbelief and mild offense
Cow Cat: he sighs in embarrassment I watched way too many Western Movies back in the day.
Snache: Ah I get it. So you must be the Ugly? Well, I'm definitely the Bad! he giggles as he whips his tail like a whip
The two circle around each other as if they were in a Western. Their eyes are locked onto each other. Ready to make a move when the other least expects it.
Cow Cat: slightly offended Well then, who's be the Good? Because let me tell you, there's supposed to be three.
Snache: I don't watch Westerns! How the fuck am I supposed to know what's what? he looks around, before grabbing Doge Uhh...DOGE is the good one!
Doge: flabbergasted What the actual hell are you talking about? I'm not being some "Good" label! Now let me go! he moves around to get out of Snache's tail
Snache: Well, let's just say...it'll make you a good boy. he smirks as he pets Doge on the head like a domesticated pet dog
Doge: getting really happy and his tail starts wagging Oh, I am a good boy! Okay I can be called that! he leans into the petting Pet me behind the ear, I had a terrible itch there for way too long.
Snache: No. he drops Doge Now help me out against Cow Cat! he glares at Doge, before sighing
Cow Cat: Allow me to finish off the both of you! Western style. PARTNER! he puts on a cowboy hat
Cow Cat head butts the both of them, causing them to go flying. They land on the ground and are bleeding from their heads. However, they are still conscious and can move away. Somewhere else, Gross Cat, Tank Cat, and Bob are dealing with Those Guys. They all climb up on them and start attacking. That Guy A pulls on Bob's hair. That Guy B is kicking Gross Cat. And That Guy C is slapping Tank Cat like a literal maniac.
Bob: Oh for fuck sake! I just cleaned it out today. Meu Deus! (Oh my God!) he grabs That Guy A and slams him onto the ground Next time, don't fuck with us Okay?
Tank Cat: Quit slapping me, you don't know what you are doing with your attacks! he head butts That Guy C in the face, causing him to bruise up and trip on the floor You could do better fighting instead of fighting dirty like that.
That Guy C: Nah, I'm good. I think I just might continue slapping you. It's way more fun.
Gross Cat: Okay, two can play it that game! he slaps That Guy C in the head, followed by kicking That Guy B off of him There we go! Much better.
That Guy B: Hey! What did I do to deserve all of that slapping? I didn't even do anything to you. he nudges his head in pain
Gross Cat: You were kicking my leg. See? he shows off his front legs, which are covered in bruises and seem to be fucked up
That Guy B: Whoops! Sorry about that. Didn't mean to do any of that at all.
Bob: Well, if you want to stay alive, I'd say scram before I kick all three of you in the face. he grins slyly as he cracks his neck
Those Guys simultaneously: NO! We don't want that at all! Protect our groins from this lunatic. they all scatter and run away from it all, clearly scared
After the head butting from Cow Cat, Doge and Snache both land on top of Cat. To which they all bruise up from the impact. Cat takes a moment to get up before brushing the dirt off of his fur and glaring at them both.
Cat: That hurt by the way. he coughs as he spits out some of Doge's fur Oh Doge, I didn't know you shed, all of us shed as well! he grins playfully as he helps them up
Doge: Well yeah! I guess that's true. Might as well have hairnets all over our bodies. he grins as he nudges Cat, before turning to Snache Hey Snache, wake up!
Snache: Huh? Oh shit, where the hell are we? Sorry, that fucking cow head butted me so hard, I probably fell asleep.
Cat: Oh really? Did you actually manage to fall asleep? he was astonished I don't think I ever fell asleep after being hit!
Snache: Well. I forgot a shit ton of what recently happened. Except Doge really liking being called a Good Boy, like, he gets all weak and follows every order you give him! If he wasn't a dog, I'd probably be questioning him right now.
Doge: Oh shut it! Just because I am responding in a hard-coded way to the terms "Good" and "Boy", doesn't make me a sappy lunatic! he grumbles in embarrassment
Cat: Can I try? I really want to see your reaction in person! he giggles as he reaches out and pets Doge Who's a good boy? WHO'S A GOOD BOY!?
Doge: he stops dead in his tracks and goes completely numb, he responds in a weak and bashful manner I am...I'm a good boy. he giggles Pet me behind the ear, I had that itch for ages! Will you?
Cat: Okay, I'll do it! he smiles as he pets behind Doge's ear, to his pleasure
Doge: Finally...his tail is wagging at a rapid pace Now I can finally live life normally without trying to bite my ear off! he giggles softly as he completely goes down
Snache: sneaking up on Cat to attack him That is really embarrassing, Doge. Genuinely embarrassing to see a fighter like you getting all needy over an enemy!
Cat notices Snache and turns around and bites him in the tail, causing it to bleed out and causing Snache to trip over a stone. He is yelling out in pain. He glares at Cat.
Snache: Ow! How the hell did you even see me? he jumps in pain I was right behind you!
Cat: Eh, I saw you through Doge's eyes. The pupils really expand once you start petting him and calling him a Good Boy. I could even see Bob approaching us right now! he giggles as Bob approaches them
Bob: Hey Cat, what the actual fuck were you doing to Doge? Also, do you want me to finish off Snache? he stares at the three in confusion
Doge: he snaps out of the lucid daydream Oh! Yeah, Cat was petting me because Snache asked him to. But at the same time, I loved every second of it. he grabs Cat in desperation CAT, WHY DID YOU STOP!? he whimpers in despair
Cat: I can't benefit the enemy, I'm sorry. But, outside of combat, and if you trade me some good treasure. Maybe, just maybe, I could give you a petting session once again. Cat smirks at Doge, to which he beams in happiness, but to Snache and Bob's annoyance
Snache: My tail hurts! I give up. Doge is clearly too much in a good mood to continue, Pigge is unable to walk. And I can't even find Those Guys! So I might as well leave.
Cat: Wait, let me just do an attack on Doge, just to make you look more tough! And to maintain our opposition! he bites Doge in the head, causing it to bleed out
Doge: OW! Hey, at least I won't be considered a submissive freak anymore! Thank you so much. he chuckles, but his smile instantly fades once the pain kicks in again AGH, MY HEAD!
Doge and Snache walk away with a bleeding head, and a bleeding tail. Pigge is just about to make a move on Axe Cat when all of a sudden, four Cats come charging in. Three of them are Ninja Cat, Sumo Cat, and another unidentifiable Cat. And another Cat who's flying, and probably in the Battle Act. They scare off Pigge who runs away. All of the enemies are gone.
Sumo Cat: Aw damn it! We're always late to the party. he pouts as he crosses his arms in disappointment
??????? ???:their helmet is caught in their eyes Hello? I can't see where I'm going!
Ninja Cat: she scoffs as she lifts the helmet There you go. Now was that difficult? At least you could breathe, jackass!
Cow Cat: Well I'd be damned, it's The Special Forces! I'll go and talk to them.
The other Cat comes flying down onto Cow Cat. And gives him a scare. Cow Cat shrieks out over the random jumps are he received.
???? ???: Hey Cow Cat, what did I miss? the Cat places their feathers onto his shoulders
Cow Cat: Agh! he turns to see who it is Bird Cat! Don't creep up on me like that. At least with the others I can hear their footsteps. But I can't hear your flight.
Bird Cat: Whoops! My bad. he chuckles as he flies towards all of the other Cats
Bob: So, I'm guessing you're Bird Cat, right? The Cat with wings of a bird? Damn, quite a sight to behold.
Bird Cat, is actually more simple than you think appearance wise. He has your average Cat body, similar to the one found on Cat, Axe Cat, Ninja Cat, and even the unidentified one! But he has no limbs! That's right, he only has a Cat body, with a Cat face, and Cat ears, with two white bird wings about the same size of an old traditional, eastern fan. He can actually fly at a decent speed. But his wings are too small to make him soar!
Bird Cat: That's me! And, I don't know your name...but I'll figure it out eventually. But let me introduce myself first! My name is Bird Cat, and I am the flying area attacker of the group. I can hit multiple enemies at once while dealing good damage. But the problem is, my durability isn't very high. Because my wings are rather sensitive. I am a very reliable member of The Battle Act because of my decent damage on several enemies as possible. Let me tell you, I believe we can be good friends. If you need to ask me anything, feel free to, as I am quite smart in several fields. I read a lot to enhance the mind, you know? That's enough about me! Tell me ab- gets interrupted by the unknown Cat who stumbles into him
??????? ???: Oof! Sorry, this helmet is just way too large for me! he pushes it up to clear his eyes, but the helmet keeps dropping on him
Bird Cat: Samurai Cat! Watch where you're going! Will you? You could have killed me. he grins as he nudges him with his wings
Samurai Cat: Oh crap, my bad. I do have a lot of large things, don't I? he smirks at his outfit and his weapon
Samurai Cat looks like your average Cat like mentioned earlier shape wise. But what stands out is his outfit choice. He wears a large samurai helmet tied to his head that has a small miniature Cat face on it. He has large shoulder pads on where his shoulders would be. And he also holds a massive Sashimono, which is a banner carried by samurai warriors for identifying which army they fight for. His one contains a faceless Cat head on the top of the flag. And it supported by bamboo frames.
Bob: Ah, so you must be The Special Forces member I was told about, huh?
Samurai Cat: That's me! Don't you think I know the way of the warrior or not? he bows, his helmet covering his eyes again GOD DAMN IT! he struggles to put it back up It is wrong for me to just expose myself without introduction! My name is Samurai Cat, I am the melee combatant of The Special Forces. I can deal decent damage to a single enemy at a time. I am proud to be fighting alongside the iconic Human everyone else has been telling me about! he giggles before recomposing himself I also have studied the way of the Samurai, just like how Ninja Cat and Sumo Cat have studied the way of the Ninja and Sumo wrestling. But I clearly have not studied the way of clothing sizes! his helmet keeps falling on his eyes, to which Bob pulls it up for him
Bob: You're welcome...I believe I should introduce myself now. As it is only fair. Are you two listening to me? When I say this, I need full attention. he grins as he flicks his toothpick
Bird Cat: Oh, yes please. Do tell! Do tell! he nods in excitement as he quietly hoots
Bob: Okay, my name is Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy. But you all can call me Bob, it is way easier to say. I am 16 years old, and I am not from here. I came from Lisbon, where I was sent on a boat to a disciplinary camp in North Korea for my aggressive behavior. But now I am fighting alongside these Cats in hopes of bettering myself as a person, and having a better method of controlling my anger. And let me tell you, it fucking works like a charm! Prazer em te-conhecer. (Nice to meet you)
Bob shakes hands with Bird Cat and Samurai Car. Before joining in on the main conversation. Cow Cat seems to be the center of attention as The Special Forces all gang up on him!
Cow Cat: he was talking about something And that is why I believe these enemies are no match for us! Because they can't even beat me in a Western Duel!
Sumo Cat: You actually faced Snache and Doge in a one-on-two fight? That is mighty impressive my friend. Almost as impressive as the time I ate a full pound of sushi, and still managed to fight off the enemies with ease!
Ninja Cat: Wow! That is so amazing! I wish I can be just like you Cow Cat, you do realize that you could star in your own Western! she chuckles as she duels her sword Henry even confirmed it. she turns to Axe Cat See, why can't you be more like him, lame-o?
Axe Cat: I am way better than Cow Cat at everything! You can even ask The Cat God! He'll even confirm it himself.
Cow Cat: Oh really? Well, how about we duel ov- gets interrupted by Cat
Cat: Good news everyone! I found the Devotion treasures! he places all three of them onto Cow Cat's back, to his annoyance Now let's make it back before anyone injures anyone else! Bye Special Forces! he waves goodbye
Ninja, Sumo, and Samurai simultaneously: Goodbye everyone! Samurai Cat was facing the wrong way, so Sumo Cat turned him around
Sumo Cat: We'll see each other very soon! Hopefully in some place nearby.
Tank Cat: See you everyone! And I promise that we will! he giggles
The Cats all make their way back to the Cat Base, Bob is quick to follow. Inside, they all are watching the season finale of "Argh, Me Hearties". They all sit close around the TV and get comfortable. Bird Cat is sitting on a painting.
TV Presenter: Okay, land lubbers! The person Sophie is choosing to go out on a date is...
Axe Cat: Please be Steve, PLEASE BE STEVE!
Bob: Heh, honestly, I hope he wins!
TV Presenter: STEVE! Congratulations. You are now officially able to go on a date with Sophie! Unfortunately for the rest of you...Time to walk the plank!
Axe Cat and Bob simultaneously: ALRIGHT! they hug eachother
Everyone else seems disappointed with Steve winning the competition. And they all talk about the results. They all have mixed views.
Bob: Well, it is what it is! he grins happily Say, where the fuck are we heading next? I don't want to be that dumbass bitch that doesn't know where the hell they are going?
Cat: I'm still pissed Chad didn't win. he mumbles We are going to Dubai! Home of the advanced technology. Oh dear, we are facing a new enemy too! I am intrigued to find out who? But they're not recorded. We are also facing Doge, Snache, and Those Guys though! But yeah, now that we have Bird Cat, we shouldn't be in that bad of a situation! And the treasure we will be finding is the Resort Property! Okay let's get plenty of sleep, and make our way to Dubai tomorrow!
Bird Cat: Yes, let's sleep already! I must regrow my knowledge seeds with a good book to read before I sleep though...which I can't do if I don't go to bed.
Gross Cat: Oh shut up already! Bird Cat, you're not special. he rolls his eyes and stands up
And so, the Cats all make their way to bed. Concluding another day of treasure hunting. They also obtained the first bit of treasure required to afford the Relativity Clock. Meanwhile, in the enemies' Base.
Those Guys simultaneously: We did it! Our luck worked! Steve won. In your faces, suckers! they jeer at everyone else in the room, they all groan in annoyance
Steve: YEAH! STEVE PULL ALL THE LADIES! he grabs Sophie and runs away, like a badass
TO BE CONTINUED
That was quite fun to write! I have now officially made 12 episodes, meaning, I have done this for nearly 2 weeks! I decided to spice things up and add a reality TV show into the mix. This was done for plot purposes, and the characters' personalities. I also introduced Bird Cat and Samurai Cat into the mix. As they debut in Nepal in the game.
Anyways, stay tuned for the next episode!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him, just as long as you credit the owner, and your work is non-profitable
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, which was referenced here, is owned by Sergio Leone.
This fiction is 100% unofficial and can be considered as fan-made.