"How bad was it?" Cordelia asked after the two of them left the Library.

"He was drunk, I could smell it in the tunnels and on him. I think it was because of Drusilla, the image of her with the Chaos Demon really upset him. Strange that creatures that enjoy inflicting pain and misery on humans can feel emotional pain and loss themselves."

"Not really." Cordelia murmured softly. "Given that humans often enjoy inflicting pain and misery too. Bullies, at one end."

"Human monsters at the other. Like Tony, a drunk who enjoys hurting people."

"Like you. The situation reminded you of him, of growing up in that house with him." Cordelia said matter of factly.

"Before I even started on hurting Spike. I hurt him and I enjoyed hurting him. Does that make me a monster too?"

"No, one instance doesn't make you a monster. Continuing to do it and enjoying it would. Do you want to do it again?"

"No! But if I enjoyed it once, I might enjoy it again."

"You might." Cordelia conceded. "And you might enjoy one drink, but as long as you kept it to one drink and didn't get drunk, than you're not a drunk."

"But I might be an alcoholic." Xander pointed out. "If I feel I need that drink or look for an excuse to have it."

"True, do you feel the need to hurt someone or something right now or was it just because he kidnapped Willow and scared her and in the process exposed you to things that triggered memories that are painful for you?"

Xander thought carefully about his answer. "No, I don't want to hurt anyone just for the sake of hurting someone and yes, it was the circumstances and it didn't help that the smell of his blood activated my teeth."

"And reminded you that you're a kind of vampire now too. But not the kind that took Jesse from us or kidnapped Willow. You still have your soul, you still have a choice and as long as you remember that you have a choice and choose not to cause pain on purpose and find more productive outlets for your pain and anger, you won't come anywhere near being a human monster and certainly not a vampire monster."

"I can do that. And the sooner I can learn to block thoughts the better, because I don't want to be reading people's minds."

"No, I wouldn't either. I can understand why these immortals tend to isolate themselves if it's so easy to read or control a human. The temptation must be hard to deal with, especially since they needed to control humans so they could feed on them. One part was necessary and that makes for a slippery slope. But you don't need to feed on anyone, because we've got blood banks and blood delivery, so reading people than never has to be a necessity and that gives you time to learn to block. And for the record, I trust you not to read my mind or try to control me."

"I might not be able to do either, but I'm afraid to find out one way or another."

Cordelia stopped and faced him. "Because if you can read or control me, it puts me out of running as your potential life mate and you're afraid to find out if I'm not because you think that means you'll lose me, one way or another. You're afraid that if I know for a confirmed fact that you could control me, I'd leave you to avoid the possibility and you're afraid you'd give into temptation and make me stay."

"No! No, I wouldn't, I promise you! I will never force you to do anything! It was your choice that we got together and your choice that we stay together. The love spell could have taken your choice from you and I won't do that to anyone, not again and sure as Hell not you! You stay because you want to, not because I want you to."

"And if I tell you I hope that I am your life mate?"

"I hope that too, but if you're not, can we live with knowing there might be someone out there who is?"

"If there is, there could be centuries before you find them. Would you throw away the chance at happiness now, just to wait centuries for a possibility? I wouldn't and I'm not going any where, regardless of whether I'm this potential life mate of yours or not. So deal with it, Doofus!"

Xander leaned his forehead against hers and drank in her scent, a heady mix of sweet smelling perfumes, at least it seemed to him. "You might have to pound it into my head a few times, I can be pretty dense."

"Oh, I'm well aware of that fact." She assured him, grinning at him. "Let's get my books and go to the Mansion, you can start studying for your GED and I can do my homework."

"Sounds like a great way to end what started out as a crappy day."

"Of course it is, it's my idea!"