Faster.
I revved the engine again, pushing the bike to its limits and putting as much distance as possible between myself and Collins before my instincts got the better of me. Any local cop would have a field day or a heart attack if they caught me speeding through the back roads of Forks, and it'd be one hell of a ticket. The speedometer needle continued to creep farther right, nearing the end of its track.
110, 120, 130…
I could run equally as fast, but there was the issue of retrieving the vehicle later. Besides, it was a welcome distraction, weaving through the cars cruising at a creeping thirty-five. If there's anything I needed at that moment, it was a distraction from what I'd just experienced. I thought I was in better control, after spending hours on end alone with her. There would have been no witnesses if I'd lost my head, but my family would know; I would know. And I couldn't live with myself if something as detrimental as that happened to Collins. For once, Edward's incessant protection of Bella seemed less like overkill and more like a reasonable course of action, regardless of how irritating it could be to everyone involved. One slip up, one lapse in control, and she'd either be dead or one of the undead. I wasn't sure which was worse at that moment.
Edward was home, which meant Bella must be kicking it with the mutts, or else he would have been scaling the side of her house and climbing through her window. Emmett and Rosalie were also back from their trip to see the cherry blossom trees bloom in Japan. Even Carlisle had ended his shift early at the hospital. From outside, I should have been able to hear someone talking, but the only sound detectable was a low murmur of undistinguishable words. Whispers. I parked the bike in the garage and took my time placing the dust cover over it. When I pushed the door open, all whispering ceased. Esme was examining a set of blueprints at the kitchen table, and looked up with a warm smile as I passed by.
"Hello, Jasper. How's Collins?"
Not dead or a vampire.
"A lot better. She wanted me to thank you again for the soup you sent."
The worry clouding her immediate vicinity lessened and her smile broadened.
"I'm glad she liked it. It's so hard to season human food when it all tastes like dirt."
Her perfect features scrunched up before she turned her attention back to the schematics, making adjustments with a small white pencil as she went.
In the den, Emmett hunched over a controller, trying to beat his personal high score on a new version of Pac-Man. He refused to play multiplayer games with anyone other than me or Rosalie, and judging by the look on her face, she was not in the mood. Edward sat at the piano bench, hands in his lap instead of on the keys. Alice flipped through a magazine while Carlisle tried to feign interest in the game on screen. Any other night, they'd all be scattered in different directions, pursuing a hobby or out hunting — except Emmett, who loved video games almost as much as he loved Rosalie — rather than crowded in a room together. Which only meant…
"Jasper," Edward called my name like a parent trying to get the attention of a wayward child. I waved my hand but continued in the direction of the stairs. "We need to talk."
I paused. The emotional atmosphere left much to be desired. For what it's worth, when confronted with a group of vampires, the first instinct is to run or fight. While I'd spent a lot of time fighting, years of curbing that instinct had made it possible to live with the Cullens. But this was getting old. I lifted an eyebrow, waiting for Edward to start a fight that had been brewing for weeks.
"If your…friendship with Collins continues, there will be consequences. Alice has seen it."
I turned my attention to Alice, who had stopped her magazine flipping. I'd been diligent about keeping Edward out of my head the past few months, not wanting to constantly answer for every time I saw or spoke to Collins, let alone every time I thought about her, which increased by the day. I couldn't, however, keep him out of anyone else's.
"Well, maybe," she said, her lips pulling into an uneasy grin. "There were a lot of ways this afternoon could have ended for Collins, but it turned out alright!"
I might've been kicking myself all the way home for how I'd stormed out, but faced with my brother's judgment, I'd say an evening without a casualty was a win. I shrugged.
"See, Edward? She's fine; in perfect health actually."
"But she won't be fine! Not when she finds out what we are, and trust me, she's getting a lot closer than anyone else has."
"Except Bella."
I watched, felt, as the anger simmering underneath his marble-like skin began to boil. He'd been so torn about Bella finding out our true identities, about the implications it had once the Volturi were made aware. It was quite the sore spot, and I'd just jabbed a finger in it.
"Those circumstances were different."
"Different how? Different because you think that I don't have the self control to keep my teeth to myself?"
"You did a great job of that last September."
Before I could even think about what I was doing, both of us were crashing through the large window near the piano, my hands at his collar. Edward was the fastest and had his psychic advantage, but years of military and battle training more than made up for my lack of mind reading abilities. We struggled in the dirt, both trying to get the upper hand until I finally pinned him against a large boulder that wouldn't disintegrate under the force. Some part of me knew that Edward was only being such a hard ass, well, more than usual, because he was worried about Bella, and the stress of her being around Jacob was driving him crazy. But the rest of me had a hard time giving him any grace when he made cheap shots like that. He knew how ashamed I was of my actions; he also knew from glimpses into my thoughts that managing the thirst of five other vampires during an unexpected blood spill was more than anyone should be expected to bear. When I was first turned, it would have been a no-brainer to fight this issue out with Edward to the death, but the Cullens didn't operate that way.
"Jasper."
It was Carlisle, always Carlisle that could mediate any dispute, could reason with even the most unhinged vampire. I knew I had to put Edward down and continue discussing this without putting our hands on each other, but it was only when I felt the pressure of his hand on my shoulder that I released my grip on what was left of Edward's shirt.
"Sorry," I muttered. Esme would have my ass later for shattering the window and messing up the yard.
"I need you to understand the severity of this situation," Edward began his spiel again, though his tone was more understanding than before. "The Volturi are bound to be coming around to inquire about Bella's human status, especially with the mess in Seattle only growing larger. They'll either kill the both of you or force her to be turned, which from what you've said yourself, you don't want. So how does this end Jasper? What are you planning to do when they find out how close you're getting to a human that isn't willing to be changed?"
"I don't know!" I shouted, struggling to keep my composure in light of the current situation. I took a deep, unsatisfying breath and ran a hand through my hair. "I know how this ends. I've played it over and over in my head a thousand times. You know; you've seen it."
A deafening silence stretched out across the yard. Any other living creature within a mile radius had trusted their better instincts and fled the group of vampires hashing out a loud family dispute in the middle of the forest. Rosalie, who sided with Edward like she'd once sided with me in a similar circumstance, glared so hard I thought my clothes might burst into flames. Esme's eyes were full of sadness at the predicament her pseudo-children had gotten themselves into. Emmett tried his best to keep his wife at bay.
"But you won't stay away from her," Edward stated, reading my thoughts before I could voice them myself. It was annoying as all hell.
"I can't. You know I can't."
His eyes swept the clearing, begging for someone to back him up or try to talk reason. But they all knew it was no use; Edward had been equally as stubborn about his own vampire-human romance.
"Then I hope you figure out what you're doing before you get us all killed."
Beds for vampires are nearly useless, at least for sleeping. But they do provide a comfortable spot to lie down and contemplate your immortality. At that point, I was mulling over what Edward had said, what he'd been saying ever since Collins and I were paired up in the first place.
Keep your distance.
Don't take unnecessary chances.
Don't draw extra attention to yourself.
I'd thought he'd been paranoid, initially, because Collins Walker had been no more important to me than any of the other humans we sat with during lunch. Her blood smelled nice, but every human smells nice when your diet consists of moose and mountain lion, and you only get to eat, on average, twice a week. Then I'd started spending time with her, talking to her. The changes in her emotions each day were hard to miss, but she generally kept a pleasant disposition akin to sunshine, something that Forks rarely saw. Even when I was an ass to her, she was kind. A little feisty at times, but that just meant she wouldn't take shit from Jessica Stanley. And when that bastard, Matthew, had gotten involved, I couldn't just let him take advantage of her. Edward liked to overlook the fact that I'd resisted even a taste of his blood when breaking his nose in the parking lot. It hadn't crossed my mind; I was too intent on not killing him and causing a mess for Carlisle to fix. Besides, it would have absolutely freaked Collins the hell out to see that without any type of warning, and I couldn't do that to her.
No, if I was being totally honest with myself, Edward actually made a lot of sense, which was why it pissed me off to no end. If I told Collins the truth, she'd accept or reject it. There was the option of not telling her and seeing how things played out; maybe we wouldn't work out for normal human relationship reasons and there'd be no need to spill the beans. But there was the gamble of the Volturi sticking their noses into our business and using it for leverage; the ongoing trouble in Seattle would draw them near soon enough, though I couldn't imagine why it'd gone on for so long already. If they found out, then my hand would be forced just as Edward's had been. Maybe that was why he was so adamant; he could at least try not to act so smug about being right.
But what now? All week, she'd been hiding behind the metaphorical wall we'd both practiced using to keep our emotions separate from each other. She'd gotten a lot better than I realized, making it difficult to decipher how she felt at any given time. Some things crept through, like her general mood, but regarding me? No, that'd been pretty obscured until Wednesday night when she'd woken up to me laying beside her. It'd turned into an experiment, albeit a selfish one. When she nodded off on my shoulder in the middle of the book, I couldn't help it; I wanted that human experience regardless of my non-human existence. And she was too damn cute, laying there with her hair splayed out in a golden halo. I thought for sure she'd wake me up and tell me I needed to go home. When she didn't, I took that as a good sign and pulled her closer, intensifying the burning in my throat with my face buried in her hair. But I'd resisted, despite the softness and warmth of her body against mine being thoroughly distracting. If I could resist Collins's blood then, surely I could resist it in other less compromising circumstances.
Or maybe not. Man, what a kiss that was. I hadn't known, hadn't predicted exactly how she'd react. I'd not kissed a human since being changed; it would've been too risky if the opportunity had ever presented itself. With Maria, things were transactional while living under her influence. Once I'd gotten outside of her range, there was nothing keeping me with her. No, kissing Collins was the best thing on this side of eternity, even though the never-ending cravings insisted that her blood would taste better than her skin.
"Ugh!" I threw a pillow so violently that feathers exploded in a cloud against the wall. The door opened a crack, and a head poked through. Alice. She took up the smallest space on the corner of the bed, crossing her legs and looking at me with a soft, sympathetic smile.
"Got it that bad, huh?"
"As if you don't already know."
"I can't see everything, especially when it's always changing," she reminded me for what felt like the millionth time. We all took Alice's foresight for granted and probably expected too much from her on a regular basis. As if watching Victoria and the Volturi wasn't enough, she was now keeping a close eye on Bella and an even closer eye on Collins.
"Edward's right, isn't he?" I asked, not bothering to keep the melancholy out of my voice. It was what she'd come to tell me anyway, wasn't it?
"I can't say he doesn't have a point: you're going to have to make a decision sooner or later. And the longer you wait, the more your hand will be forced. I can tell you the chances of each path as they fluctuate but I can't forge a new one."
That would solve all my problems, some other option that we hadn't thought of. Some miracle cure for vampirism so we could all live normal lives. Something that didn't exist.
"But that doesn't mean you have to give up. I know you care about her a lot."
I did care about Collins a lot, so much so that I risked out exposure every day. But did caring about her mean I need to pull her closer, or let her go?