WELCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN TO THE THIRTEENTH EDITION OF THE KICK-ASS STORY BASED OFF OF THE HIT MOBILE GAME, THE BATTLE CATS, CALLED: THE BATTLE CATS: X! I HOPE THIS WILL KEEP YOU ON THE EDGES OF YOUR SEATS!
Now the six Cats and Bob make their way to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates and set up their Cat Base there to take on the new, non-boss enemy. Bird Cat flies on top of a tree in their backyard and watches for potential spies. Bob and the other Cats are working out, making sure they are in fit condition for this Battle.
Bird Cat: I believe there are no enemies approaching us at this time. Which is quite excellent news! he smirks as he continues to look out for potential enemies that may attack them
Bob: Oh, come on Bird Cat. You're clearly overreacting! There's no possible way an enemy could be on our toes. If they were, I'd see them coming and I'd kick their fucking faces in like the chumps they are! he grins in a cocky manner as he deadlifts a large tree branch, and soars it above his head
Cat: Still, we shouldn't underestimate these guys. It could be anyone! We met them all before, but we had different strategies against them. It doesn't say who this "new enemy" is, but I believe the next ones we'll face in the future are either way stronger, or more agile! he stammers as he continues do do pull ups There's a chance we might not be able to obtain the Resort Property treasures.
Gross Cat: Also Bird Cat, get the hell out of that tree and join us! It'll be fun. he stares into Bird Cat's eyes as he just rests on top of the tree
Bird Cat: I believe my wings are far too weak for a workout! I could break them easily in my sleep. I always come prepared whenever I want to hit the crib. he wraps his feathers around his face
Tank Cat: Please? You don't even have to use your wings, you could simply do some...stretches or something. Just come down! he seems desperate for Bird Cat to come down
Bird Cat: he sighs as he gently swoops down the tree Alright fine. I need the physical strength as well as the mental...he takes in the air before stretching out his body
Cat: That's the spirit Bird Cat. he grins as he pats Bird Cat on the head We'll be needing this energy for when we have to face this enemy.
Cow Cat: Oh shit, I forgot about that new enemy! How come there's always a new enemy whenever we meet up with fellow Cats? he huffs as he stomps his hooves to the ground
Axe Cat: Actually, we meet up with these Cats so we can be prepared for these unexpected enemies. When life gives you lemons, you counter them with limes! he grins as he swipes his axe in the air
Bird Cat: Oh dear, I'm going to be flattened by that axe! he cowers in fear Don't put it so close to my face.
Bob: Que gato assustado. (What a scaredy cat) Let's make it outside before it gets too late. Cat could be right about the enemy being agile.
Cat: That's what I'm saying! Let's get a move on already. he pushes all of the Cats back inside the Cat Base to go to the Battlefield
Everyone is cluttered up in a tight space as they are getting ready to take on the enemies in the rich environment of Dubai. So rich, to the point where the average temperature in Dubai is 80F in the winter. And exceeding 100F in the summer! That's mid-late 20'sC and early-mid 40'sC for your information. Probably from all the oil digging and CO2 found in the atmosphere heating up the country. Bob steps to the door, when all of a sudden, he gets a slap in the face.
?????? ????: HI-YAH! a mysterious figure pounces at Bob and bruises his nose, but they disappear before anyone could see
Bob: AGH! he rubs on his sore, bleeding nose I got caught in the door. he grumbles as he re-adjusts himself Damn it, it really hurts. I know your doors are advanced and all, but still!
Cat: Our doors open on the outside, so there is no way it could have hit you...he investigates the door
Cow Cat: Do you know what I think? Someone duped us! he growls No doubt about that.
Tank Cat: Wait, how could someone dupe us? Did the enemies...finally make it to the field before us!? he shakes Cow Cat, desperate for answers
Cow Cat: They clearly must of...but I don't see them anywhere at all. It is possible that they abandoned us after attacking Bob.
Bird Cat: Cow Cat is right...the mark on Bob's nose couldn't have been a door injury, it looks more subtle...and deliberate. he reached a feather and smears it on Bob's nose It was definitely an attack by a third party.
Axe Cat: How the hell could they possibly execute a decent hit and run styled attack on us? Me and Matilda will show them HELL! he growls as he steps in front of everyone else
Meanwhile, in a bush on the side of the battlefield, yes, for the first time throughout this ENTIRE journey, the enemies have made it out onto the field before The Battle Act did! Doge, Snache, and Those Guys are all giggling as the unknown enemy returns.
Snache: Hey, nice going there, Jackie Peng! You really showed them what you're capable of.
Jackie Peng: Ha-HA! Don't be silly, Jackie Peng practiced martial arts since he was a baby penguin. he sticks out a wing at Snache, it showed a picture of him when he was just a chick, with the same expression he has now Do you want Kung Fu skills like Jackie Peng? You will get all of the bitches. he grins slyly
Doge: Ooh, ooh! he raises a paw in the air I want to become a professional at Kung Fu! You're like the penguin version of Jackie Chan! he stands up and attempts to do what he just did
Inside the Cat Base, everyone manages to see Doge out in the open as he trips over when attempting to do a somersault. They all turn to each other.
Gross Cat: Holy shit, we have been duped! But...there's no way Doge could have done such a thing. He doesn't have the agility. he shakes his head in denial
Tank Cat: Neither does Snache. And plus, he doesn't have the body designed to do a somersault while remaining invisible to the naked eye. So it could have been Those Guys.
Axe Cat: True...but I don't think they have the decency to do all of that in a few seconds without making noise. It has to be someone agile. Someone who has practiced for years. Someone with devotion. Someone who's capable of doing stunts in movies...someone like...
All of the Cats simultaneously: JACKIE PENG! Bird Cat falls to the ground after fainting
Bob: Oh shit, did they get Jackie Chan to join their army? I love him! But I don't want to fight one of my idols. he grumbles in despair
Cat: he grabs Bob No! It's Jackie PENG! He is a penguin who watches a bunch of Kung Fu movies. He is trying to be like Jackie Chan, and get into Hollywood. But he taught himself Kung Fu, so it probably isn't going to make him famous!
Doge: he joins in the conversation I've been recording all of his attempts of movies! Who here wants a copy of Chop Kick Penguin's trilogy? he holds out three CD covers
Cat: rushes over to Doge and hands him Cat Food before taking them They should make a spin-off series starring you in it! I believe it will sell just as much as this!
Doge: Do you really think so? he looks happy as he receives the Cat Food Sadly we have to take everything else in your place despite the compliment you just gave me...he sighs But I am genuinely flattered!
Jackie Peng: from afar DOGE! NO BRIBING WITH THE ENEMIES! THEY HAVE A ROBOT BIRD WHO CAN FLY! IT COULD BE SECURITY. WHO KNOWS?
Bird Cat: Excuse me? I am not a robot! How dare you assume such a thing. he grumbles as he flies outside
Jackie Peng: he reveals himself DO NOT APPROACH THE ALL-MIGHTY JACKIE PENG! Master of Kung Fu and teacher of everyone else who wishes to be like him! he glares at Bob angrily
Bob: he steps outside Ah, I think I see the difference now, and here's what I think of this shit...Que roubo! (What a rip off!) I believe I should deal with you...
Jackie Peng is a large penguin who is probably the same height as Bob is. He is mainly gray in color and has a white underbelly and armpits. He has spiked up feathers on the top of his head. He also rocks a large white beak with two small nostrils. And he even has two large white eyebrows similar to penguins found in typical Eastern drawings. He is rather round, but flat in shape. With a lot of sharp, triangular, rigid parts on his feathers.
Jackie Peng: Are you the one who challenges the All-Mighty Jackie Peng in a duel? I suppose you should know who you're fighting against little boy! The name is Jackie Peng, a legendary all star, self taught Kung Fu fighter. I am powerful and I can reach speeds much higher than anyone else ever seen! he grins Jackie Peng can use his beefy muscles to swipe you off your toes when you least expect it. Jackie Peng also works for the all mighty opponents of The Battle Cats association! So I'd recommend backing away now. Or you will get chopped. he readies himself ready to pounce
Bob: Wait, does this motherfucker speak in the first or third person? he stares at everyone in confusion
That Guy C: He does both! He usually speaks in first person when referring to facts, and in third person when shouting statements or opinions. But he sometimes switches it up. It is mainly for those reasons though. If you were to ask me, I believe the third person delivers more drama!
Jackie Peng: That is right! I do speak in both! Jackie Peng thinks he delivers a more unpredictable approach when he does this. But I do get it mixed up sometimes, which really sucks to Jackie Peng. he spits on the floor Who are you, Human!? I've never seen your face before!
Bob: Oh I believe you should know who I am, but I'll remind you just in case you don't. My name is Roberto Mourinho Jablovskyy, I am also called Bob. Which is much easier to say than my entire name. I am 16 years old, which is surprising to some when they see my strength! I am not from here, I come from Lisbon. But my mother sent me on a boat to a disciplinary camp in North Korea because of my aggression. However, it went on the wrong currents and I ended up meeting up with these Cats! I still don't get how they talk, but it doesn't matter because they are my FRIENDS! And I will always prioritize them. he grins as he look back at the Cats, they all smile at him
Jackie Peng: Woah, Jackie Peng is writing all that down as notes to use upon the upcoming movie "Chop Kick Penguin 4"! It will be a successful Tetralogy! Who doesn't love Kung Fu movies?
Bob: Heh, I sure do love my Kung Fu. But I'm afraid I'll have to kick your ass. Hey Bird Cat! Help me out here against him. Will you? he grins smugly
Bird Cat: What!? Me? Why me out of all the other Cats you could have asked? I'm trying to regain my composure and enhance my battlefield knowledge, NOT get a death certificate. he grunts in anger
Bob: Muito ruim. (Too bad) Now let's kick these fuckers in places where they'd scream like sissies. he cracks his knuckles and flicks his toothpick
Jackie Peng: Doge, Snache, Those Guys, GO! Attack these bastards. Jackie Peng needs to warm up. he does some meditation on the floor
Bob: Oh for fuck sake! he punches Jackie Peng in the face, causing his beak to bleed JUST FIGHT US ALREADY!
Jackie Peng: I wasn't ready yet. That was highly cruel of you to punch Jackie Peng while he wasn't paying attention. he grumbles as he charges right into Bob
The Battle begins! Bird Cat flies right on top of Bob and the two of them run right into Jackie Peng. Jackie Peng pounces right on them and slices their backs. Causing them both to bleed out and turn around.
Bird Cat: Agh! he coughs up some blood This is why I told you not to use me for your fighting! You know I can't do anything like that. You really had me panicking, you know? he whacks Bob with his wings
Bob: Ow, okay, I'm sorry! I'll be more careful next time. Jesus...he scratches his back before resuming the battle
Bob manages to catch Jackie Peng off guard and smacks him with his brass knuckles. Causing him to bruise up and fall to the ground. Potential skull damage could be applied, according to how keep the fracture was.
Jackie Peng: AY! he grabs his head as he falls down My head hurts so bad! How dare you harass the Kung Fu master Jackie Peng! he wails in pain before getting up
Bob: BIRD CAT! POUNCE ON HIS BACK ONCE MORE! he winks at him, implying that he has something else to do instead
Bird Cat swoops behind Jackie Peng to pounce on him. But Jackie Peng turns around, however, Bird Cat swoops to the initial front of Jackie Peng and pounces on his back. Causing him to bleed from the back. Jackie Peng attempts to fight back, but Bird Cat flew high enough to be out of his reach.
Jackie Peng: ARGH! Jackie Peng will get you for this! Nobody shows him disrespect like that. Ever! he frolics his wings as he attempts to fly, but can't because he's a penguin Jackie Peng wishes he had longer wings. he huffs in annoyance
Doge: Allow me, J.P.! he climbs on top of Jackie Peng and attempts to jump high to reach Bird Cat, but he's still too high to reach Oh come on! This is so ass...he climbs down I guess I'll just fight you Bob. he smirks
Bob: Let's fight then, I'll deal with o pinguim (the penguin) later!
Doge: Let's do it! he chuckles But I'm the second best at Kung Fu besides Jackie Peng himself. Be warned.
The two go wild at each other. Doge bites on Bob's shoulder, and Bob slams Doge onto the ground. The two are bleeding like crazy as they attack each other with power. But Bob grabs Doge and throws him away onto the enemy base. It is a stereotypical Emirati base based off of several advanced buildings and resorts found in the country. And the several technological sites that can be found in the country. It is really well crafted and really depicts the money the country has, especially in the city of Dubai.
Bob: I hope you have a nice time! he chuckles as he looks at Doge
Doge: pessimistically Yay... he coughs as he gets up And I'm surprised that you fought me with such speed, considering you never knew Kung Fu.
Bob: You didn't even do any Kung Fu in the first place! Well, to be fair, neither did I, but the God damn point still stands. he groans before cracking his neck
Jackie Peng: Super sneak attack! he whacks Bob in the shoulder blade, causing him to go down
Bob: GAH! grabs his shoulder in pain Why you little...
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Cat pounces on Jackie Peng and bites his head. Causing it to bleed and for Jackie Peng to struggle as he tries to get him off. He can't see what he is doing at all.
Cat: smirks playfully Nobody messes with Bob, especially not little runts like yourself! he giggles as he grabs him in a hold NOW BOB! Punch him in his belly! He is single target and can only attack a single opponent at a time!
Bob: Roger that, GATO! (CAT!) Now time to deal with this son of a bitch like he was last week's newspaper. Toss him into the garbage, never to be seen again! he punches Jackie Peng right in the stomach, causing him to yelp and go numb
Tank Cat: Woah! You actually did it! Jackie Peng is going down. Nice one Bob.
Bob: Why thanks Tank Cat, but it was really Cat who did the hard work of distracting the King of reaction speeds! Heh. he smirks as he rummages his hand on Cat's head
Cat: he purrs as he nuzzles into the petting, before pushing his hand away Heheh, stop it! We have to prioritize getting the Resort Property treasures first. It will come to us like butter at this rate.
Tank Cat: Yup! Now let's find the others, and try to catch up with them.
Bird Cat and Cow Cat are dealing with Those Guys. Bird Cat is pouncing on them while Cow Cat is chasing them away. They are all screaming in fear as their valuable lives just might vanish!
That Guy B: Help! I think I landed into hell. Where's Jackie Peng when we need him the most!? he cries out in fear
That Guy A: He's on the floor clutching his underbelly! We are so fucked. We are being routed to our deaths like sheep by a sheep dog!
Cow Cat: he goes along with the joke WOOF, WOOF ARF ARF! BOW WOW! Now die in the name of the Dove! he points his head towards Bird Cat
Doge: he heard the dog noises Okay, that was highly uncalled for, calling them such derogatory things! he rubs his bleeding head
Bird Cat: COOH! I shall finish them! he pounces on all three of Those Guys, causing them all to go flying, they land right next to Jackie Peng
That Guy C: Ow...that really hurt, you know? Why do you have to hit me so hard!
Jackie Peng: Don't just sit there! Attack like Jackie Peng in "Chop Kick Penguin 0: The Hatchling's Origins!"!
That Guy A: But we are being like you...sitting in pain and yelling.
Jackie Peng: I am meditating! Ugh, Jackie Peng is surrounded by the idiotic youth. he sighs as he continues meditating
That Guy B: Can we join in with the meditation then? I believe it will help us out tremendously!
Jackie Peng: NO! JACKIE PENG WANTS YOU TO ATTACK AXE CAT AND GROSS CAT LIKE GOOD KUNG FU FIGHTERS! he points angrily towards them HELP OUT SNACHE BEFORE HE FUCKING DIES LIKE THE SHITTY ENEMY HE IS!
Those Guys simultaneously: WAH! OKAY! they all rush towards Snache to help him out
Snache is fighting off Axe Cat and Gross Cat, who are both on top of him and attacking. Axe Cat slices his tail with his Axe, while Gross Cat slaps his long arms across his face. He is really in a fucked up position.
Gross Cat: Say, do you have any last words before I send you to hell? Or heaven, you could be a really great snake in society. How am I supposed to know?
Snache: despite the injuries, he's still smiling Oh no, I am going to hell for sure! It's a literal fact, I'm too salty for anyone. he smirks as he stands his guard
Axe Cat: But is he a wuss like Bird Cat or Tank Cat? That is the question...he grins as he approaches Snache menacingly
Snache: I believe Tank Cat soaks a lot of damage, and Bird Cat deals a shit ton of damage. It's rather amusing how you're dissing your only area attackers.
Gross Cat: Oh no, we have a third! Yeah, his name is T- gets interrupted by Those Guys
Those Guys simultaneously: Watch out evil doers! THOSE KUNG FU GUYS are here to save the day! they pounce on Axe Cat and Gross Cat
Axe Cat: Oh for fuck sake! he grumbles, not long until support comes
Cat, Tank Cat, and Bob remove them one by one and deals with them. Cat bites the knees of That Guy C. Tank Cat slams his head into That Guy A. And Bob kicks down That Guy B before he could slap down Gross Cat.
Gross Cat: Oh god damn it Cat! Why did you have to remove That Guy...checks his birthmark C! I was going to go crazy on that bastard. Fuck you!
Cat: Hey! Be grateful we came and saved you. Admit it, you'd miss me once I'm gone. Wouldn't you? he smirks as he approaches Gross Cat
Gross Cat: Pshh, BALONEY! Why the hell would I miss you? Are you having a laugh or what? Axe Cat is literally exactly the same person as you, except he has one eye!
Cat: Don't you dare compare me to that lunatic of a Cat! he huffs, to Axe Cat's offense
Axe Cat: I'm right here you know...and fuck you! he grumbles as he walks away I'm not pissed or anything, just preparing to see Bob finish off Jackie Peng.
Gross Cat: Sorry Cat! Let's go ahead and finish off Jackie Peng! he grins as he grabs Cat
Cat: Okay, let's see this in action! he grins as the two make it over
Tank Cat climbs on top of Bob and falls into his clutch. He giggles as he is carried by him, admiring his build. Bob just stares in confusion. But won't go against Tank Cat and his cute, squared smile.
Tank Cat: Alright, tally ho! he smacks Bob in the face We have a journey to accomplish. 10 feet ahead!
Bob: Okay, I get it! Vamos!(Let's go!)Bob sprints towards the scene
Bird Cat: Since everyone is carrying everyone else, why not you carry me over to the scene? he giggles as he sits on Cow Cat
Cow Cat: No! You can fly! And your feathers are getting in my eyes anyways. he blows his feathers out of his face, which causes Bird Cat to actually fall off Oh come on! I didn't even blow that hard!
Everyone makes their way to the center of the battlefield. Jackie Peng gets up with a struggle, and attempts to chop Bob with his wings. But Bob soon catches it and crushes the right wing. To Jackie Peng's pain.
Bob: Time to go flying! Como um pássaro VERDADEIRO! (Like a TRUE bird)
Bob smirks as he grabs Jackie Peng, and throws him right onto Snache and Those Guys. Doge was unable to move as he was thrown onto the Enemy Base, and his legs were fucked. So he just let himself bleed all over recreations of Emirati resorts.
Jackie Peng: Ay! Jackie Peng needs ice! The fourth movie and the series' prequel are getting postponed until I can fight again! he cries in pain and coughs up some blood
Doge: No! Jackie Peng...he whimpers as he goes unconscious
Bird Cat: Allow me to grab the treasure...and the Shiba. he flies towards Doge, and places him on top of the unconscious Snache and Those Guys There we go, now time for the real treasure! he coos in excitement as he grabs the Inferior, Normal, and Superior Resort Property treasures and places them down
Bob: Hey nice one Bird Cat! he grins as he flicks his toothpick Now let's head back. And celebrate with a movie!
Cat: Don't worry, Doge got us sorted! he giggles as he shows off the Chop Kick Penguin trilogy Too bad the tetralogy won't be complete until a long while! And the prequel, I wanted to see that as well.
Cow Cat: Cat has a decent point. I'm looking forward to this. he chuckles as he places Cat on his horns and charges towards the Cat Base, to his horror
Cat: WAAAH! I did not consent to any of this! he tries to stay onto Cow Cat's horns, to everyone else's amusement
Now inside the Cat Base, they just finished the First Chop Kick Penguin movie. They all found it so bad, that it was good. Jackie Peng definitely appeared to be younger in this film.
Axe Cat: I can't believe we missed out on this movie! It released 11 years ago! How come I only found about this now?
Tank Cat: Well, I believe it was a masterpiece! It has jokes, humor, and action.
Axe Cat: Tank Cat, you covered your eyes at the scene where Jackie Peng brings the Chinese princess to his bedroom, you wuss!
Tank Cat: It was too much for me...he sweats in embarrassment
Bob: I believe the movie was really good, well, it was shit. But THAT made the movie good, you can guarantee on that. Heh. Say, where are we all heading next?
Cat: My favorite part at the end of the day! he looks for the Log Book but can't find it Hey...where's my Log Book!?
Bird Cat: Oh, I was reading it, enhancing my knowledge in the field! And to answer Bob's question for you, we will be heading to Saudi Arabia, where we will be fighting Doge, Snache, Those Guys, and Hippoe, in order to obtain the Oil treasure. It will be straight forward combat. Oh, and here you go Cat! he hands him the Log Book back
Cat: mumbling angrily Know it all...he angrily takes his log book back
The Battle Act members all clean up the Cat Base and make their way to bed. Concluding yet another epic battle, and obtaining another treasure required to purchase the Relativity Clock. They're only a dream away from Saudi Arabia and all of the enemies available.
TO BE CONTINUED
Once again I have completed another kick-ass episode of the Battle Cats: X! Here marks the debut of Jackie Peng into the story, and I really decided to spice things up with the plot and drama this time. I was really respectful to the source material as I tried my hardest to make Jackie Peng an exact replica of his description.
I hope you enjoyed what I made! Stay tuned for the next episode!
The Battle Cats (2014) and all of its characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him without profit, just as long as you credit me as the owner.
Any references to Jackie Chan are not authorized by him and are purely for commentary or parody purposes.
This fiction is 100% unofficial and can be considered as Fan Made.