Dr. Shiroyama Shiro was still the same short and bald man of sixty years as I remembered him.
There are rumors that once he started to go bald in his thirties, he started to shave his head completely bald. That was all doctor was about, he never accepted half measures.
And he also never beat around the bush.
«So, what made you resume therapy?» Shiroyama asked me, leaning down in his office chair. «I doubt that you were just lying on a couch and suddenly decided to go back here, given that the last time we met you told me to go fuck myself.»
I felt the heat rising to my face. Actually, that was exactly what I'd wanted to tell Dr. Shiro — that I was chilling on the couch and randomly decided to give therapy one more shot.
What lies should I tell him now?
Maybe, I shouldn't lie to him at all?
After all, the main goal of me coming here is to bring some change in my life. To become better, even though I myself don't really understand what it means for me besides ceasing raging at everyone. Dr. Shiro won't be able to help me if he doesn't know what exactly is wrong with me. And for him to know it, I should tell him the truth. Simple as that.
Easier said than done.
I sighed, composing myself.
«To be frank, I'm ashamed of myself, Shiroyama-san.»
Doctor's eyebrows shot up.
«I must admit, that's kinda unexpected to hear from you, Hikigaya-kun. You never admitted it during our meetings in the past. I supposed that was the case, but I never managed to make you say it out loud.»
That because I wasn't cooperative with you at all. I wasn't honest, I wasn't even willing to be and sabotaged the whole thing out of my… out of my what? I don't exactly know even now. Maybe I couldn't allow myself to believe the therapy could help me, since it'd mean I had to get out of my comfort zone and actually put an effort in it. Or maybe I did believe that therapy could change me and was afraid of the outcome, not wishing to lose my «noble wrath».
Not like it matters now anyway.
«Well, I wasn't really helpful.» I admitted, scratching my head.
«Yeah, you weren't.»
«Weren't you supposed to say that it was normal to be disappointed in therapy?»
«You know I don't lie to my patients.»
I smirked. For some reason, talking to doc reminds me of our conversations with Yukinoshita. Though I'm not fond of her constant insults, I should admit that she always knows what to say.
«You see, nowadays everyone including psychotherapists is extremely tolerant.» Dr. Shiro snorted and rolled his eyes, expressing his disdain. «Shrinks tell their patients that they shouldn't be ashamed of themselves. That their anger, despondency or lack of self-confidence is totally OK and many other people deal with something like this. Some even go as far as to suggest that their patients embrace those parts of themselves.»
Shiroyama-san stopped for a second, pursing his lips in disdain.
«I despise this kind of shrinks. Anger, despondency, diffidence and other negative traits are not OK. If they were, people wouldn't want to get rid of them in the first place. But the shame that you feel for having one of these traits is normal. If one doesn't feel ashamed for his shortcomings, they'll never get rid of them.»
As always, doctor didn't sugarcoat his words, but he never tried to make them more hurtful than they already were. He was just voicing the truth, whatever it was in his opinion. But this time it didn't outrage me, because his thoughts mostly aligned with my own.
Last night I was lying in bed, sleepless. My mind was habitually drifting from one depressing thought to another, until I started contemplating on the reasons why the therapy ended up being a failure. After a few hours of musings, I was forced to admit that the main reason was my unwillingness to put any effort in it.
I didn't want to change, because I didn't feel so ashamed of what I was.
Deep inside I hated myself even back then, but still gave up on therapy having convinced myself that my anger was a normal thing. I had embraced it, called it a «noble wrath». Part of me still likes how it sounds. But only seeing how both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are striving to be better made me finally feel shame.
It's slightly scary that two girls I met only a week ago can affect me so.
«Now that you realize you need help, I believe I'll be able to provide it.» Dr. Shiro slapped his knees smugly, but then his face turned serious. «So, Hikigaya-kun, tell me how you've been since our last meeting.»
I sighed, closing my eyes in resignation.
«More or less the same, Shiroyama-san. I can't say I got worse… But I'm sure as shit not any better.»
«Elaborate on that, please.» Dr. Shiro looked at me quizzically. «The fits or rage happen with the same frequency?»
«Yup, they do.» I averted my eyes, looking at the bookshelf full of psychology books.
«When was the last one?»
«…yesterday.» I responded reluctantly, shifting in my armchair.
«And what made you lose your cool?»
«My clubmate told me to get out of the room so she could have a girly talk with her…» I got silent for a second, trying to find a right word. «…friend.»
Dr. Shiro raised his eyebrows.
«Did such request offend you? Not every conversation of girls is meant for boys' ears, you know.»
«It's not what she asked, it's how she asked!» I huffed and pursed my lips in annoyance. «She didn't requested me to leave, she outright ordered me to get out like I was her fucking dog! No «please», no «would you be so kind", nothing!»
«Just to clarify, Hikgaya-kun, you and that girl aren't friends?» Dr. Shiro felt the need to ask.
«No! Not even fucking close.» I shook my head.
«Well, then that indeed was not very polite of her.» Shiroyama-san nodded, scratching his bald head. «If someone who isn't particularly close to me spoke to me like that, I'd probably not like it very much too. We people don't really like when we aren't treated with basic respect.»
Then he looked me in the eyes.
«However, it doesn't mean that you should throw a tantrum every time someone insults you, Hikigaya-kun. There are many other ways to protect your dignity besides raging at everyone who offends it somehow.»
His words made me raise my eyebrows quizzically.
«You're saying that I have to stay graciously silent and not show them that their words affect me? That sounds like a typical advice from the parents whose kid is bullied in the school. They tell him to be «the adult one», to not encourage the bullies while he's treated like shit.»
My own parents would never say something like that, but my teachers in the middle school did every time I got myself in trouble. During my first year there I was that always gloomy and quiet kid who had no friends and stayed alone most of the time. It's no wonder there were attempts at bullying me.
Had I been my naive self from the elementary, I'd have probably let myself be mocked and beaten. But I wasn't that kid anymore. The bullies targeted me when my life hit the worst point, and nobody was there to comfort me.
Father was always too busy with his work, likely trying to escape his own misery.
Komachi was a little kid who needed to be comforted herself, though she really tried to help me as well.
I was left alone while my world was shattering around me. I was depressed and utterly devastated. But most of all, I was angry.
When one of my classmates found it funny to push me from behind, I turned around to look at his face.
I saw his happy, even joyful eyes. I saw his wide childish smile. And I remembered how happy he was the day before when his mom met him after school to take him to Baskin-Robbins.
That moment the ugly creature in my chest awakened, roaring and demanding that kid's blood. I became so angry that my hands started shaking.
Why, why is this disgusting bully allowed to be happy when I'm not? Why does he laugh and smile so widely? It just ain't right!
I could only think about how unfair it all was. For some reason bad people were allowed to be happy while I was out there suffering, even though I had done nothing to deserve it. Life was unfair and I couldn't do anything about it.
…or could I?
The realization made me look at my fists. That was true I couldn't make me happy. But I sure as shit could make this bully unhappy and wipe the damned smile off his face.
That was when I saw red for the first time.
It turned out that most of kids couldn't even fight properly. Before the teacher grabbed me by the collar and dragged me away, I'd dealt a lot of damage to his face. I cracked him over the nose, knocked at least five of his teeth out and gave him black eyes while he didn't even try to hit me back and was crying like a little girl.
He never smiled in my presence after that.
«…course not.» Dr. Shiro's voice pulled me out of my memories. I blinked and looked at him again. «There's nothing wrong with fighting back. If you're insulted, insult back. If you're punched, punch back. If someone wants to make you miserable, make them so. But don't go ballistic on someone just because they said something you didn't like.»
«Shiroyama-san, you talk as if I choose to get angry.» I responded grumpily. «It just… happens.»
«You can prevent it from happening.» Doctor said imperturbably. «All angry people can, except for ones with serious mental illnesses, which is clearly not your case. Just next time when you feel like you're about to lash out at someone, try to stop and think if it's truly worth of you getting angry.»
«Easier said than done.» My voice was more skeptical than I'd like it to be.
«It sure is. But it's better than pick fights with other teenagers all the time… By the way, when was the last time you were fighting someone?»
I remembered that Akiyama guy from 2J-class.
«Nearly two weeks ago. Though it was more of me beating the shit out of him than an actual fight.»
«What were you beating him for?» Shiroyama-san asked with his chin resting on his hand.
«Well, I was minding my business using the toilet when a guy from another class started extorting some first year. Once I was done and came out of the stall, he also tried to squeeze the money out of me. I didn't like it.»
«Do you consider your actions justified in that situation?» Doctor asked curiosly.
It was a hard question, to be honest.
I suppose that formally what I did to his guy can be written off as self-defense. Akiyama had already extorted that creepy first year and wanted to do the same to me, and while I didn't have to go that hard on him, I had a certain right to do what I did.
On the other hand, I never once felt threatened by him. Akiyama was a skinny pathetic riajuu who was only able to target some nerds who couldn't fight back. He was by no means a danger to me, rather vice versa. I didn't try to defend myself, I just lost my shit and wanted him to inflict as much pain as possible on him. I even took his bloody money, god damn it! It's hardly justifiable.
«Well, I don't really know, Shiroyama-san.» I shrugged. «It's complicated.»
«Do you regret the way you dealt with that guy?»
I felt a strike of guilt.
«I suppose he did deserve some of the beating I gave him, but I probably overdid this. Maybe I should have just punched him once or even simply threatened and it would be enough. But I saw red and lost it.»
Shiroyama-san snorted.
«I'm glad you understand this at least. I believe our meetings won't be fruitless, Hikigaya-kun.»
I smiled.
«I hope so, Shiroyama-san.»
It was midday. The spring sun was especially ruthless, turning every living and breathing creature into a washed up, suffering sweaty mess. And there wasn't even a small wind to make their misery more bearable. In such hot days most of the high schoolers would hide inside the school, closer to the life saving air conditioning system.
I usually wasn't an exception, sitting in the classroom and making the riajuu around me miserable. But today I was suffering under the sunshine, lying on the bench near the school tennis court and using my folded blazer as a pillow.
«I wanna die.» I groaned, closing my eyes.
What am I doing here? Well, I'm waiting for my future brother-in-law to show up. I'm gonna turn him into a great man that is worthy of my sister, and then I'll enjoy spending time with my impossibly cute nephews!
Well, that's if I don't die from a heatstroke before he shows up.
«Hikigaya-dono!»
Oh, there he is, finally.
Totsuka was running towards me with a huge smile on his face, waving his hands in greeting. There was such pure joy in his eyes that I once again cursed the universe for making him a guy.
I had difficulties standing up, being too relaxed after half an hour of resting.
«Hi to you too, Totsuka.» I said to him once he stopped near me.
We shook our hands. I noticed that for such a small guy Saika had a surprisingly strong grip, which only added him a few points in my eyes.
«So, what do we do, Hikigaya-sama?» Totsuka seemed eager to start the «education» as soon as possible.
I scratched my chin thoughtfully.
To be honest, at first I'd had zero idea what to teach him. As I've mentioned before, I don't view myself as the ideal of masculinity which Totsuka believes I am. I'm just a guy who's miserable for 70% of the time and angry for the rest 30%, but he looks at me like I hung the moon.
Not like I'm actively against it, though.
So I've been on the internet and read some scientific articles about the masculinity and what defines it. And having gathered all the information from there, I can tell that to be a man Totsuka needs-
A strange feeling in my forearm interrupted my thoughts.
I lowered my gaze. Totsuka was standing near me, poking at my arm. His cheeks became red.
«Hikigaya-dono, you have big arms… You must train a lot!»
I barely restrained myself from squeaking and jumping away in embarrassment. Totsuka, god damn it, just why do you have to be so fucking cute?! No woman ever said any compliments to my physical shape!
I felt the heat rising to my own cheeks.
«Well, I do go to gym sometimes.» I said, turning away in embarrassment. «It's better to get in shape while you still can. When you hit thirty five, it'll be way more difficult to stay as strong as you were in your youth.»
«…go to gym… stay in shape…»
Jesus, Totsuka, why are you writing my words down?!
«Anyway.» I attempted to get off the topic, laughing awkwardly. «Your physical shape is not the main thing that makes you masculine.»
Totsuka seemed thoughtful for a second, biting the end of the pencil adorably.
Hachiman, you must stay focused! Leave him for Komachi.
«Oh, I get it now!» Totsuka exclaimed. «I need to have manly interests!»
He looked around until his gaze landed on my Slipknot shirt. I could virtually see a light bulb turning on above his head.
«I need to listen to hard rock to become a real man!»
I sighed, quite in disbelief at his train of thought.
«First of all, it's not hard rock, it's nu metal. And though I'd like to have a fellow maggot* around, manly interests aren't the most important thing.»
I made the most serious face I could and placed my hands on Totsuka's shoulders, causing him to gasp.
«What makes you a real man is your readiness to protect those closest to your heart.»
God damn it, I sound like a fucking father from a flashback in some Hollywood movie! I can barely keep a straight face saying this pretentious stuff, it's so god damn cringy! I wanna die.
Thankfully, Totsuka didn't notice my inner thoughts. His face lit up immediately with a cheerful expression that made my heart skip a beat.
«Thank you, Hikigaya-dono! I get it now, I won't disappoint you!»
Totsuka, just why aren't you a girl?
We had twenty minutes of the lunch break left, so Totsuka and I went back to the classroom.
Upon approaching the doors, I heard a loud, slightly familiar voice inside.
«…no, I see that you have something to say besides the apologies.» It was Miura, a typical popular blonde from my class.
I never really liked her, though I wouldn't say we had any problems with each other. She was simply too arrogant and obviously had an ego bigger than Mount Fuji, besides her character was even worse than Yukinoshita's. The title of the Fire Queen of Soubu didn't appear out of thin air. Even now she sounded annoyed*.
«Speak your mind, Yui, stop mumbling!»
I froze.
Is she talking to Yuigahama?
«So-sorry, Yumiko…»
Yes, she is, and Yuigahama doesn't sound like she's comfortable.
«Yumiko-san sounds angry.» Totsuka noted nervously.
«No shit.» I frowned, starting walking towards the doors.
Stepping inside the classroom, I assessed the situation quickly.
Yuigahama was standing near Muira's desk, her watery eyes looking down. Muira had a very displeased expression on her face. Her green eyes looked at Yui like she was a dog that suddenly refused to follow the orders of her owner. The rest of their clique were looking anywhere but at them. Other classmates were quiet, observing the situation.
Hearing my footsteps, Yuigahama raised her eyes from the floor and looked at me.
I froze in my tracks again, causing Totsuka to bump into my back.
Yuigahama's peach-reddish eyes were begging for help. She was on the verge of crying.
I've already seen that look years ago, when another cheerful and optimistic girl met the cruel reality at its very worst.
Her desperate brown eyes were begging me to save her in the same way.
«Just next time when you feel like you're about to lash out at someone, try to stop and think if it's truly worth of you getting angry.»
Looking into Yui's eyes, I took the decision.
Yes, it's worth getting angry.
«Just what the fuck is all this noise about?»
*Maggots is the nickname of Slipknot fans.
*Hachiman is being hypocritical here, obviously.