THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
"Lying in bed in the morning, Lea was scrolling through her emails and social media while Shaun took a shower before going to the hospital. As she scrolled through several posts, she stumbled upon one from her best friend—a photo of Sarah, Michael, Shaun, and Lea from their trip to San Francisco the previous year. Lea smiled at the photo, which reminded her that her and Shaun's first anniversary was approaching. She also began to recall almost everything that had happened during that trip: the places they visited, their night at the club, her and Shaun's first time, the morning after, and the way he had looked at her in the shower."
So, with a smirk on her face, she got out of bed, got rid of her night clothes, put on one of her silky robes, then walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom.
To her luck, Shaun was facing away from the bathroom's entrance, so she quietly reached to pause the alarm on his phone, then walked to the shower and opened the glass door.
A startled Shaun dropped the soap bar and quickly turned around to see who had opened the door, only to find Lea sliding her robe off of her body, revealing her nakedness.
He eyed her body from head to toe, then looked into her eyes.
"W—what are you doing?" He asked with slightly wide eyes.
"I'd like to shower with you." She said with a wide grin, and checked out his body too.
"We can't both shower at the same time, Lea." He objected with a small shake of his head.
"We've done it before… in San Francisco, remember?…It's been almost a year, actually. A year since we started dating…" She said suggestively, before softly biting her lower lip.
"I know, but this shower isn't as wide as the hotel's shower. Even if we took turns being under the stream of water, like we did in San Francisco, there's not enough space for both of us in here. We wouldn't be able to shower properly." Shaun argued, completely dismissing the mention of their anniversary, but Lea was also onto other things at that moment.
"Oh, Shaun, this is not for the purpose of cleanliness; this is for the purpose of having sex with you." She explained with a smirk.
"Oh…" Shaun let out, and proceeded to check his girlfriend's body one more time, swallowing hard.
—That's what I thought.— Lea, still smirking, said in her mind and stepped into the shower, but before both of her feet were in, Shaun stopped her.
"No" He said, signaling her to stop with his hands. "It would be inconvenient."
—Excuse me?— Lea thought and raised an eyebrow as she looked at him.
"It could even be dangerous." Shaun added, but Lea was looking at him, clearly not understanding. "Soap might get into difficult places. If we leaned against the shower, we could scald ourselves. Bottles could get disarranged…" He explained, waving his hands around several spots in the shower.
Lea paid close attention to what he was saying, eyeing all the spots he was mentioning, then looked back into his eyes, almost bewildered.
"Okay… It was just a thought." Lea replied, a bit disappointed.
"It was a bad thought. I'm surprised; you're usually a very intelligent person."
Lea's jaw dropped in shock, and both of her eyebrows went up.
—Wow…— She thought.
"You know what? Forget it. I'll just reset your alarm." She said with frustration in her voice, stepped back, and closed the shower's glass door, letting Shaun resume his activities in there. She then picked her robe up from the floor and, still naked, walked out of the bathroom, not without restarting Shaun's alarm on his phone before.
When she arrived at work that same morning, as she headed to her office, Lea noticed people staring at her, followed by a giggle or some whispering between them, which she found not only annoying but also intriguing. She knew that there were still people in her department who thought she should not be in charge since the previous boss died, and who used to conspire against her in an attempt to make her make a mistake and have her removed from the job, so she began wondering if that was happening again. Little did she know, her sex life was the topic of the day at St. Bons, thanks to her usually-very-professional-but-not-that-day boyfriend.
"A poll about shower sex? He's the one against it, isn't he?" Morgan said, with a mocking smile on her face, as she stood by Lea's office door later that day.
"What?!" Lea exclaimed, lifting her eyes from her computer to look at the blonde doctor, suddenly stopping the activities she was so focused on.
"Shaun posted a poll on Twitter this morning. Everyone knows it's about you two. You're the talk of the hospital today, girl" Morgan answered as she approached Lea's desk, moved a chair and sat on it.
Lea picked her phone from her desk and opened the app to look at the so-discussed poll. "Oh my God"
Morgan laughed some. "Oh come on, everyone knows Shaun tends to overshare. And everyone has sex!"
"We literally had a conversation about oversharing the other day…" Lea sighed and rolled her eyes again.
"So he said no to shower sex?" The blonde doctor asked.
"You're so nosy!" Lea chuckled, and Morgan gave a smug grin. "But yeah, I wanted to try something new this morning, and he gave me a speech about how it would be inconvenient and uncomfortable. I even mentioned our anniversary coming up, but he was more worried about the shampoo bottles getting disorganized than about enjoying ourselves or celebrating our first anniversary. He basically called me dumb for thinking it was a good idea. It never crossed my mind that he would post a poll about it for the whole hospital to vote on, though."
Morgan laughed again.
"I'm glad my little relationship issues amuse you and serve as entertainment for the whole hospital" Lea said with sarcasm, and rolled her eyes again.
"That was a very Shaun-like argument. He was going to mention it or ask someone about it sooner or later today. I wouldn't worry about the anniversary thing, though. He has a photographic memory, so I'm pretty sure he knows when your anniversary is. However, I'm just not sure whether he knows what to do with that information or what you two are supposed to do that day. But who knows? Sometimes he's full of surprises." Morgan chuckled.
"Yeah…" Lea nodded in agreement, then added. "I gave away the kitchen because 'we eat there and sometimes have guests', or so he said a while ago, but I didn't think he would be against shower sex. I mean, I know it's not for everyone, but I just didn't see that speech coming, you know? It would have been fun… oh well…" Lea finished with a shrug and her imagination began wandering about how different her morning could have been if only her boyfriend had said yes to her morning plans, which the blonde doctor noticed.
Morgan chuckled again, looking at the young IT director, then stood up from the chair. "I'll leave you to it…"
Lea was brought back to earth by Morgan's words and both smirked at each other, knowing what the other was thinking, then they shared a laugh before Morgan left the office and both returned to their work activities.
But, as if Morgan and a couple nurses asking her about Shaun's poll hadn't been enough, there was yet another surprise, or maybe surprises, in store for Lea that day.
Hours later, her phone office rang and Lea picked up. "Hello?"
"Lea, I've been texting you, why haven't you answered my messages? Is everything okay?" Lea's mom asked on the other side of the line.
"I'm sorry, mom, I've been so busy today. I haven't picked up my phone in hours. I haven't even had lunch yet…"
"I just wanted to know if there was someone who could receive the boxes I sent to your address, but you wouldn't answer, so they left them with the super" Her mom continued.
"Wait, what? What boxes? Why didn't you tell me you were shipping stuff?" Lea quickly picked her mobile phone up from her desk, and looked at all the missed notifications, then proceeded to check those of her mom.
"I forgot, and I didn't think they would arrive as quickly as they did. They're just a few items that Ben said you left at his place years ago. He wanted you to have them back, but since he didn't have your number or address, he gave them to me and said I could either keep them, dispose of them, or send them to you. He was decluttering his place and garage, that's why. In case you were wondering…"
Suddenly a chill ran down Lea's spine, at the mention of her exe's name.
"Oh…" Lea simply replied to her mom, lost in thought, wondering what could be inside those boxes.
"Yeah, so you can pick them from the super whenever you get home"
"Okay… Thanks."
"Are you okay?" Her mom asked with a tad of concern over her daughters sudden one-word answers.
"Yeah, I just have a lot in my mind today, mom. There's a lot to do at work."
"Right… Anyway, I convinced your dad to go on vacation. We're going to Los Cabos, but he wants to visit you first. So, we'll be in California for a few days before flying to Los Cabos. Maybe you can find some time to see your parents next week?"
"What? Next week?"
"Yes, next week. We haven't seen you since you left Hershey last time, and a lot has happened since then. Your dad just wants to get to know more about your life these days and make sure you're okay. You know how he is. He also wants to meet whoever you're dating lately…"
"Mom…" Lea rolled her eyes at her mom's last sentence, and sighed, knowing what she was insinuating. "I'm still dating the same boy I started dating a year ago."
"The supposed chef?" Pam asked with disdain.
Lea frowned with confusion. "No, I told you a year ago that I'm not with him anymore."
"Well, you rarely talk to us about your love life, or your life in general. How are we supposed to know who you are dating these days?"
"She's dating a surgeon, she told us months ago." Lea could hear her dad reminding her mom.
"She could be dating someone new already, for all we know…" Pam whispered to her husband, failing to cover the phone so her daughter wouldn't hear.
Lea rolled her eyes annoyed. "No mom, I am indeed still dating the surgeon. Do you even pay attention to anything I say when we talk on the phone?"
"Don't talk to me like that, Lea. I have a lot in my mind and a bunch of things to do, too"
"Mmhm…" Lea muttered.
"You started…" Lea's dad told his wife in a soft voice.
"I just don't understand why you even want to meet this boy when we already know the kind of men she dates." Lea's mom failed to cover the phone again.
"I can hear you, mom…" Lea said, exasperated.
"Why would I want to meet him if he's like the other boys? She just told you they've been together for a year, which is uncommon for her since Ben, so I'm naturally curious about this new guy."
Lea rolled her eyes again and tried to keep a cool head, letting out a sigh.
"Whatever… Maybe you can arrange something up with him. We could go out for dinner or something."
"Alright… I'll see what I can do. He's a resident, so he's very busy most of the time."
"Don't start making up excuses, Lea. We're only going to be there for a few days, so we want to make the most out of it, okay?"
"I'm not— okay, whatever. I'll arrange something and let you know."
"Okay, see you soon then."
Lea and her parents exchanged their goodbyes and ended the call, then, after hanging up the phone, she rubbed her hands against her face, overwhelmed by stress. The mysterious contents of the boxes that her ex had sent were definitely part of her thoughts at the moment, contributing to her anxiety, but there was a deeper issue weighing on her mind.
Ever since she and Shaun had started dating after the earthquake that shook San Jose, Lea had shared the news with her parents. However, given their usual hostility toward the men she dated, with the years, she learned to keep the details about her relationships to a minimum, because unlike her supportive grandmother, Lea's parents were always quick to judge. So in the year that Lea and Shaun had been dating, she only mentioned him when talking about activities they did together or things he said, but she never talked about his autism. Not even Nonna Dilallo knew about it; all she was aware of was that Shaun was a nice but peculiar and sometimes stubborn surgery resident who loved Lea and treated her well.
Just like when Sarah visited Lea in San Jose after she got back from Hershey and was not made aware of Shaun's autism, Lea had also chose not to discuss with her family, not out of malice, but out of a desire to shield Shaun from their potentially negative judgment. Although Lea was confident that neither Sarah nor her grandmother would be unkind to Shaun, because it's not in their nature, she wasn't as certain about what her parents' opinion about it would be. She had maybe an inkling about how they might react, but it wasn't good.
"I have an issue… You think I could borrow some of your time to talk about it?" Lea sent to Sarah.
Minutes later, to Lea's surprise and luck, her friend called her.
"You literally just caught me on my so-not-lunch-anymore break, what's up?"
"I'm really sorry, I just really need someone to talk about this… My parents are coming to San Jose next week and they want to meet Shaun."
"Oh… Give me a minute… Can I get a…" Sarah pressed her phone against her shoulder while ordering her food, then she walked to a table and sat by it to continue chatting with her friend. "Sorry about that —your parents what?"
"It's okay—They're coming to visit and they want to meet Shaun. And that's not all of the story, my mom reached out to also tell me that Ben gave her some boxes of stuff I left at his place years ago. Her only options were to get rid of them or send them to me, and she chose the latter. So now, boxes filled with stuff from my past in Hershey are waiting for me at the super's office"
"Wow. Okay… First of all, Shaun meeting your parents was bound to happen sooner or later, what's the matter with that?"
"The problem is…" Lea took a deep breath before continuing. "They don't know about his autism…"
"Oh…"
"Exactly…"
"Are you gonna let them figure it out on their own when they meet him like I did?"
"Definitely not" Lea shook her head while holding the phone against her ear.
"I don't understand why you didn't tell me back then. It's not like I'm a stranger to the topic; you know my nephew is autistic too, a bit different to Shaun, but I love him dearly. So, why didn't you mention it?"
"I don't know… I guess I just don't want his autism to be the first thing people know about him. I don't want it to define him or be the only thing people think about when I talk about him. I also don't want people to make quick assumptions about what he's like or about our relationship just because he's autistic and I'm not."
"That's a good point." Sarah replied while eating.
"I know you wouldn't have made assumptions or been unkind if I had told you back then, but my parents aren't like you. I'm almost certain they'll misjudge Shaun as soon as I mention his condition, and I'm afraid they won't accept him. I mean, they never liked anyone I dated, except for you know who, so I'm used to that. But this time is different. I love Shaun, and he's not like the others. He's not just another fling."
"You should tell them that. But knowing them, I think it won't be easy for them to understand nor accept, and I'm not sure how far they'll go with their opinions."
"Exactly…" Lea sighed. "And I also don't know how Shaun will react when I tell him I haven't mentioned his autism to my parents. I'm gonna have to talk to him tonight…"
"Would it be a dealbreaker if they don't like him for whatever reason?"
"What? No. I'm not leaving Shaun, no matter what they think. I just want them to respect my life and the person I date for once. Is that too much to ask?"
"I get you…" Sarah let out and nodded while chewing on some food, then wiped her mouth. "Now tell me about the boxes? Ben sent what?"
"I have no idea! The last night I was with him, I left with nothing but the dress I was wearing. I stayed at a motel, and the next day, I waited for him to go to work so I could retrieve my clothes and most of my things. I probably left some items behind, but I don't know what's in those boxes or even how many there are. And why send them now? More importantly, why did he keep them all this time? It's been years!"
"Jeez… I get it. I mean, why would anyone keep their ex's stuff for that long? It sounds kinda twisted… I haven't seen or heard from him in a while, so I have no idea what he might be up to, if he's up to anything…"
"That's what's so intriguing. I can't tell if this is some sort of attempt to annoy me, for some reason, or if he really just wanted to get rid of the stuff he sent. But then again, why now? Why didn't he get rid of those things years ago? … Ugh…" Lea sighed.
"I'm not gonna lie, it is quiet weird, but it might also be nothing. Who knows…"
"I'm hoping for the latter."
"If he were trying to mess with you, what would be the purpose? What would he gain from it? Attention? Is he that sick? … I wouldn't give him that kind of power, to be honest. Don't let it get to you, and don't react."
"I've let all that in the past, but what still bothers me is that he's still in touch with my family, and the fact that they believe anything he's told them."
"Well, yeah. But you haven't shared your side of the story with them, so all they have is his version and his lies. Maybe you should tell them?"
Lea sighed again and remained silent for a moment, lost in thought.
Later that day, after dealing with a few more awkward looks and comments at the hospital due to Shaun's poll, Lea decided to head home a little earlier than usual to pick up the boxes her mom had sent from the super's office. He kindly helped her carry them up to her and Shaun's apartment, as one of the boxes was too big and heavy for Lea to manage on her own.
Once home, Lea changed into more comfortable clothes and then stood in the living area, staring at the two boxes before her.
The contents of one of the boxes were immediately obvious, as it had a large picture and name on it: a ski exercise machine. The other box offered no clues about its contents; it was simply a plain cardboard box with "LEA" written on it, along with the shipping label.
Lea recalled the winter skiing trip she and Ben had planned with her family the year their relationship ended. Although their skiing skills weren't bad, they wanted to improve and get in shape before the trip. To help with this, Lea had bought a ski exercise machine as a gift for herself and Ben. However, due to her busy schedule with work and a course she was taking, she never had the chance to unpack and assemble the machine, and Ben didn't do it because he was also busy with his own stuff.
As for the other box, Lea walked to the kitchen to get a knife, then returned to the living area to open it. Inside, she immediately recognized something: a neatly folded hoodie on top of the other contents. But said hoodie wasn't hers, it belonged to Ben. She used to wear some of his clothes occasionally, often his hoodies, which she liked to borrow because they smelled like him and were comfortable, especially on winter days, and sometimes, she'd also wear his oversized t-shirts to sleep. After all, what girl hasn't done that?
Lea stared at the hoodie for a moment and took a deep breath, thinking —What kind of sick game is this?— before moving the hoodie aside to inspect the rest of the box's contents.
Underneath the hoodie was a set of photos held together by a rubber band: some from their time together, a few of her alone that Ben had taken, and others of the two of them with her family, which made Lea roll her eyes and sigh.
Also in the box were some makeup items that actually belonged to her, a keychain with old keys to her parents' house and grandpa Rod's shop, a small box with random things and a few pieces of jewelry she used to keep, an old Walkman that had belonged to her grandpa but gifted to her when she found it along with some cassette tapes, a couple of old sweaters of hers, including one that her grandma had knitted for her, and at the very bottom, a perfectly spread out lingerie set that Ben had bought for her a long time ago.
Lea clenched her jaw, in a mix of anger and disgust, thinking —What kind of person does this, and why?—
With most of the contents of the box now resting on the floor, the lingerie set still inside it, and her stomach feeing a bit upset, Lea stood up from the floor, grabbed her phone and took a picture of everything, then sent it to Sarah, along with an explanation of each item so her friend had some context.
"What kind of sick joke is that?" Sarah replied with an audio message right after seeing the photo.
"What sickens me is not knowing if any of my parents, out of curiosity, opened the box and saw everything before sending it to me." Lea replied, also with an audio message.
"God, I hope not. But I think your mom would've said something to you if they had… Anyway, like I said earlier. Don't let it get to you. It's probably what he wants."
"I mean, how fucking bored, or whatever, is he? Seriously, who does this?" Lea exclaimed with disgust and anger in her voice, then started picking up everything from the floor.
"Has Shaun seen it?"
"God, no! He's not home yet. I'm gonna throw most of it away and sell the skier. I don't know what even went through his mind when he was packing all of this. Actually, I don't I want to know at all. I'm not even gone give him that, like you said."
"I don't want to know either. Well said, girl…"
After the audio messages turned into a proper call, which eventually ended, Lea felt calmer and ordered some food for herself and Shaun to eat when he got home. She then took the skier out of the box and sat back down on the floor with the instructions to assemble the machine. By the time she was almost finished, Shaun arrived.
"I made a poll to test the popularity of shower sex." He announced as soon as he walked in.
"Yep, I heard. I fielded questions about that all day…"
"Approve won, but don't get too excited, Lea. It's only 58-38, with several complicated noncommittals, so clearly my attitude is reasonable."
"Okay…" Lea chuckled, bit her lower lip, and looked up at her boyfriend as he walked toward her after taking off his shoes, backpack, and jacket by the door.
"We don't have room for a…" Shaun wondered what to call the machine before him.
"Ski exercise machine" Lea finished the sentence for him and he nodded.
"We don't have room for it." He looked at her.
"I know. I'm only putting it together so I can take a picture and sell it online." Said Lea, looking back at the machine.
"Why did you buy it if you don't even plan to use it?"
Lea closed her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, then stood up and made eye contact with Shaun. "My mom sent it…" She stopped, shook her head, and started again. "No, I mean, yes, my mom sent it, but only because my ex basically told her to."
"Jake?" Shaun asked, referring to the last guy Lea dated before him.
"No… The other one… Ben," Lea replied almost timidly, letting Ben's name come out in a soft tone, as if it shouldn't be spoken aloud.
Shaun stood before her, processing everything, while Lea watched him with a wary expression, waiting for him to say something, but when he didn't respond, she let out a sigh.
"Apparently, he was decluttering his house, where we used to live, and found some stuff I left behind when I left him. At least, that's what he told my mom. But given the contents of the other box, I doubt that's the real story. I think he's just trying to mess with me, for some twisted reason."
"What else did he send?" He asked, filled with curiosity.
"It doesn't matter. They're just a few things I left behind and some items from my past with him. Let's not give it importance."
Shaun glanced around the apartment, wondering where the box could be, then turned to see it on the bar table near the kitchen.
"They must be important, which is why he sent them." He said, leaving Lea by the skier and walking over to the other box.
"Exactly—I mean, no. They used to be relevant years ago, but not anymore." She followed him to the kitchen and added, "For example, the skier was a gift for both of us because we were planning a trip with my family, but we broke up. Most of what's inside that box has no relevance now."
"Most?" Shaun leaned in to quickly peek into the box, then looked back at her.
"I'm only keeping an old sweater my grandma made for me and a Walkman with some cassette tapes that Grandpa Rod gave me years ago. Those are the only things that still matter to me."
"You do seem bothered by the rest. Why say it's not important?"
Lea sighed in frustration. "The things in that box aren't what's bothering me. What really bothers me is that I think he's trying to get back into my life with his sick games. Reacting to this is probably exactly what he wants, and I'm not going to give him that satisfaction. I'm already dealing with the fact that he still talks to my family and that they believe whatever he says. I don't want to add paranoia about whether he's trying to mess with me to the mix. I'm not going to play his game, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't either."
Shaun loved Lea and definitely didn't like seeing her sad or troubled by anything or anyone. He could see the weight of her past with Ben in her eyes, and in the way her shoulders tensed when she spoke of him. But understanding the full range of her emotions was still a challenge for him. A couple of years ago, Lea had briefly explained what had happened between her and Ben, and how their relationship had slowly torn her sense of self, but even with the details Shaun had, he struggled to understand the complexities of her pain, since emotions were like that for him, hard to understand or define.
As curious as he was about what her ex had sent and why she was so adamant about keeping it from him, Shaun knew that pressing her for answers might only stress or anger her more, and he didn't want to add to her distress. Yet, the persistent need to know things, to fit the pieces together in a way that made logical sense, tormented him.
Maybe, for him, taking a more methodical approach and researching about narcissistic ex-boyfriends, diving into articles, psychology papers, and any type of information he could get his hands and mind on, could shed a light to understand Lea's experiences. And perhaps, by learning more, he could offer her some form of comfort, a solution, or even just a sense of being truly understood to help her heal.
"Okay." He replied after a moment.
"Thanks…" She said, and let out a small sigh of relief, but was also a bit surprised because she thought he would keep pushing for answers to satisfy his curiosity, yet, she was thankful he didn't because she really didn't want to explain to him the origin or meaning behind the items Ben had packed in that box.
He turned around and walked to the kitchen cabinets, pulling out a glass and filling it with water. As he drank, Lea watched him intently, then moved closer.
"There's something I need to tell you though…" She added, moving to stand directly in front of him, her anxiety growing.
Shaun set the glass down on the counter, and looked at her.
"What is it?" He asked.
"Earlier today, my mom called… She told me about the things she sent and also mentioned that she and my dad are coming to San Jose next week."
"Okay." Shaun replied, unfazed.
"It's not okay, Shaun… My parents always use the we-haven't-seen-you-in-a-while-and-want-to-make-sure-you're-okay excuse to come over and judge my life, especially the person I'm dating… They've hated everyone I've been with since Ben, and every time they meet someone new, they bombard him with a ton of awkward questions, to say the least…"
"Well, it's going to be uncomfortable, but we're adults. Why would it matter what your parents think about us?"
"Because they're parents…?" Lea sighed, then added: "I used to brush off their opinions about my previous relationships, but it's different this time…" She looked into his eyes and continued. "I didn't care if they liked the guys I dated before because they were temporary… But you're not just another fling… I want them to like and respect you, because it would really bother me if they didn't. I mean, doesn't it bother you that your grumpy second dad Glassman still doesn't like me?"
"Doctor Glassman likes you" Shaun said with a small chuckle.
"No, he doesn't" Lea almost cut him mid-sentence, and Shaun glanced elsewhere, thinking about what she just said, then Lea added: "I would hate it if my parents, out of ignorance and close-mindedness, misjudged and hurt you."
"Why would that happen?" He asked, looking at his girlfriend again.
Lea, unable to look at him out of remorse, looked down and sighed, then, almost in a whisper, she confessed: "Because I haven't told them you're autistic…"
Shaun stared at her for a moment, processing her words while she kept her eyes on the floor.
—Don't be a coward. At least have the decency to look him in the eyes while you're saying this— Lea reprimanded herself, forcing her eyes back to his. The tension in his expression was unmistakable.
"Are you saying your parents won't like me or respect me because of my ASD?"
A shiver ran down Lea's spine, her heart pounding as she was suddenly transported back to the night Shaun confessed his love and she rejected him, along with the memory of the baseball bat incident.
—Crap…— She thought, swallowing hard. She closed her eyes briefly before looking down again, nervously fiddling with her fingers, then she sighed once more, feeling the weight of her past mistakes.
"I can't fix my autism… Like you told me…" Shaun replied in a quiet but firm tone.
Lea's heart clenched as she met his eyes again. "I don't—I… That's not what I meat…That's not what I expect you to do… I would never ask you to be someone or something you're not. I'm not asking you to mask or change just to make my parents like you… I'm sorry I didn't tell them sooner, but I didn't want that to be what defined you… I guess I should've maybe asked you if or how you wanted to tell my parents. I just don't want it to be the first or only thing they think or talk about when you're mentioned or seen…"
"Why are you so sure they won't like me?"
Lea hesitated, feeling the weight of the truth she had to confront. "Because…" She began with a small shrug. "I'm not a hundred percent sure, but they're the kind of people who think depression and other mental disorders are just trends that people are using as excuses to do or not do things. They probably also believe that all autistic people are a certain way. You know what I mean?"
"Mmh…" Shaun glanced away, lost in thought, and Lea just stared at him, studying his expression.
His mind started to sift through his memories, recalling the countless times he had been judged or misunderstood because of his autism. He knew all too well what it felt like to be seen as nothing more than a set of symptoms or a stereotype, but the thought that Lea's parents might think of him in the same way made his chest tighten a bit. He wasn't sure how to change their perception or even if he could, but it was something he had to face yet one more time in his life.
"So… Your parents think the way you thought of me and my ASD more than a year ago?"
Lea's breath caught in her throat. His words hit her like a punch to the gut. He wasn't just talking about her parents; he was reliving the hurt she had caused him.
"Will they also think you and I will never work?" Shaun asked with a vulnerability that cut through her defenses.
Lea's lips parted, but no words came. She could see the fear in his gaze, a fear she had fed into in the past.
Were her parents the root of her own insecurities back then? Were they the reason she had doubted their relationship?
"I… I wish it weren't this way… I wish…" She began with her voice trembling, but then he cut her mid-sentence.
"You wish I weren't autistic?"
"What?" She snapped with a frown. "No, Shaun! I love you for who you are, no matter what. I wouldn't be here otherwise… I was going to say that I wish my parents were different, more open and supportive, but that's not how they are—at least not with me, especially when it comes to my relationships…"
Shauns thoughts drifted again to his past experiences with people who initially struggled to accept him because of his autism, and the discomfort he's noticed on them when they first meet him, as well as the way they have reacted to the way he speaks, his lack of eye contact, or other behaviors that don't align with typical social norms, and how, despite his best efforts to be himself, he's often felt like an outsider, because people were always trying to fit him into a box that doesn't quiet match who he is. He wondered if Lea's parents would be any different or if they would also fall into the pattern of others he's met in the past. There were people who eventually became more comfortable with him after a lot of effort, but he wasn't sure if Lea's parents would be willing to stick around and invest time into getting to actually know him for who he is.
"People who meet me are usually uncomfortable… Most of the time, that doesn't go away…" Shaun added after a moment.
"How do you handle that?" She replied with softness in her voice.
"I try to be patient. Sometimes people's perceptions change, and sometimes they don't, so I just move on… Maybe your parents will change their mind when they meet me. Maybe they'll be open and supportive."
Lea's heart ached as she listened to Shaun's words. His calm acceptance of the situation, his hope that her parents might be different from what she feared, only made her feel more conflicted. She admired his strength, and his ability to remain patient in the face of misunderstanding, but it also made her feel guilty. Guilty that she couldn't shield him from what might be another painful experience, and guilty that she hadn't told her parents sooner, maybe to give them more time to adjust before meeting him.
She knew Shaun deserved unconditional acceptance, not just from her but from everyone in his life, and the thought that her parents might not see him the way she did made her stomach twist. But as much as she feared their reaction, she was more terrified of the possibility that Shaun's optimism might be met with the cold reality of their prejudice. She didn't want him to be hurt, but she also didn't want to let him down by not being strong enough to face whatever came their way.
And with all those thoughts in her mind, she looked into his eyes, feeling a mix of love, fear, and determination. She knew that no matter what happened, she had to be there for him, to support him in every way possible.
"You're probably a more mature person than I am…" She replied with a small nod. "But I don't think patience is going to be enough in this situation" She sighed and took his hands in hers, giving them a reassuring squeeze as she sighed. "But if there's one thing I am a thousand percent sure of, it's that I love you… And nothing, not even my parents, will ever change that. Okay?"
"I love you too, Lea." He replied with a soft nod, and a blend of vulnerability and sincerity, feeling a warmth in his chest as Lea's reassurance brought him comfort.
He wanted to believe her and trust that her love for him was unshakable as she said, but the scars of past rejections made it hard to fully trust. However, as he looked into Lea's eyes, filled with care, hope and love, a small sense of peace filled his heart and mind; even if it was fragile, he decided to hold onto that feeling.
Lea smiled gently, then pushed herself up, closing the small distance between them, and leaned in to kiss him.
The kiss was soft at first, but it deepened as their emotions intertwined, and Shaun's mind wandered, momentarily losing itself in the warmth of the moment.
As they kissed, Lea could feel the tension in her body slowly melting, replaced by a deep sense of connection and understanding. Because, for her, that kiss his wasn't just a kiss; it was a silent promise that they would face whatever came their way, together.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and he responded by holding her just a little tighter, as if he, too, found comfort in their embrace.
"Let's go to bed," she whispered to him, breaking the kiss and resting her forehead against his as his arms were wrapped around her waist.
Shaun nodded softly with a small smile playing on his lips, and whispered back. "Okay."
Hand in hand, they walked towards the bedroom, leaving behind the remnants of the conversation they were having. But as they entered the bedroom, Lea couldn't help but feel a subtle unease lingering at the edges of her mind, like the distant rumble of thunder before a storm, yet, she pushed the thought away, choosing instead to focus on the warmth of Shaun's hands on her as he began to gently undress her, spreading kisses along the spots he knew she liked.
And under the dim glow of the bedside lamp, they made love, filling the room with sounds of the intimacy of two people who understood each other in ways that words often fail to explain.
After they finished and were finally laying together, Lea's naked body curled up against Shaun's side, breathing slow and evenly as she drifted off to sleep. Meanwhile, Shaun stayed still, feeling the rise and fall of Lea's chest against him as the calmness of the night surrounded them, but his thoughts took a shift.
As he stared at the ceiling, he found himself spiraling into worries about the expectations Lea's parents might have for him, as well as the ones they've had for any man their daughter has dated. Would they see him as someone unworthy of their approval simply because he was different? Would their opinions of him, shaped by his autism, somehow taint Lea's view of their relationship? What if, in the end, their influence was strong enough to make her question everything? What if they managed to convince her that she deserved someone more… typical? Someone who could meet their expectations without the challenges his autism presented?
He turned his head slightly to look at Lea, who was now fast asleep, her face looked peaceful in the soft light of the lamp. She looked so certain and so sure of what they had together that Shaun wished he could share that certainty, but instead, he was drowning in a sea of doubts and a quiet fear that a storm was looming on the horizon, waiting to crash into their lives.
He sighed softly, his eyes lingering on Lea for a moment longer before he reached over to turn off the lamp, then he settled beside her, and closed his eyes, hoping that sleep would come and quiet the thoughts still stirring in his mind.