Happy birthday Mattie

We're now 19... I hope you're celebrating somewhere because all week I was waiting for the day to come and I kinda felt like a cat digging its claws in because it was about to be given a bath and I didn't want this day to come because you know we're twins so it's OUR birthday but you aren't here!

Mattie the only thing I want for my birthday is to know who/what/when/where/WHY because I can't stand not knowing! Sometimes I think I'm fine with it but then it just gets to me and I feel so shitty I can't act normal. The only thing I want to know is why you left okay? I don't care who with or what for or when it happened or where you went. Okay I do care and I want to know but if I only had the answer to one it would be WHY. I just keep thinking of WHY and I can't stop. I need to know WHY or I'll just keep guessing and I'll never know if I'm right.

No one's heard anything and so no one has answers. They all know you're gone so I've gotten so many depressing birthday texts. I know you're not dead (okay, I don't KNOW but I know, yk?) but I feel like I'm dying when I get these texts and I know it's dramatic but this is the first birthday that I can't celebrate. I can't celebrate without you cus all I can think about is what's missing.

I hope you don't think this is weird or anything but I just sat in your room with Kuma just in case he was lonely. You always treated Kuma like a person and I always teased you for it and I'm really sorry. That wasn't cool of me. I should've been a lot cooler to you cus I know I was a shit brother/friend/person. Also I sniffed your jumper a lot because it still smells like you which is mostly maple syrup and I couldn't stop crying. You can tease me for being a baby to get back at me for calling you a baby for still having Kuma if you'd like.

Francis surprised me with a cake he made with his oven that can't be that shit if he made it at home. It was a nice thing for him to do and I knew it was nice but I couldn't act like it was nice. I told him thanks and everything and tried some but then he wanted to talk about you when I put the cake in the fridge and I got kinda grumpy and upset and hid in my room and he and Arthur have been talking but I can't hear what they're saying but I just KNOW they're talking about me. Fucking Arthur has been annoying all day too so hopefully he isn't taking it out on Francis.

I feel bad for being an asshole to Francis, he definitely doesn't deserve it and usually I love talking to him and hearing him talk. If you were here you'd tell me to apologise and explain, right? But I don't know what there is to explain, I just feel like shit!

Anyways, happy birthday. It's the last year of being a teenager so we've gotta enjoy it right? After that we're in our 20's and things start to get moving

shit I feel sick I shouldn't have eaten that cake

Hey Maaatie this'll be quick but sheeesh the rom is spinnng.

So it's a week into I'm 19 and Gil said we had to go out for some other reason but then it was actually a surprise party! Fuking cooll! It was just a party for me, NOT a birthday party and we had fun. I actually forgot about you at the end but then I realise I forgor about you and felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.

But it's okay because they said lhey'd do anylhing to make me feel better so before I could say something because I thought maybe we should get more alcohl but then Gll said that Francls should take me hone and he lookeb at me like this ( ͡ ͜ʖ ͡) and it was so fuckimg funng. So I went \_(ツ)/ and then gave Gil one of thesesss [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅5̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

NOT that I'm buyng Francis just borrowing and bribing Gl because he's so awesome for that I love him so much he's such a good friend thanks gil ily so much I'll should say it more ill text him later Im go glab whe're friends slill hes my bestie fr

I hope you liko my drawinys because Ik your so much better I want your drawings back so they can be mine like the seayulls from Neno. mine mine mine mine

And Arthur loked like this - ಠ_ಠ when we came in and I laughed and spal on him oopsg but it made Frnacis laugh he's a bit tipsy but not as tipsg as I am! I can be as weird as I wanl and blane it on the alcohl! Bros be bros you knos?

Francis sayd we could steel the drawings tomorrow so that's what we're going to be going. Anyway I'm writing this first because I miss you but good thing I'm not a sad loser drunk because then I'd crg and that'b be really awkward for Francy and we're gonna share a beb to night so I'm soooo happy. I don't want to be too long because Francis is on his phome while I wrile so yeah I'm gonna be super super flirtg and balme it on the alcohole. This'll be me okay? - (づ )づ and I'm gonna touch his hair and I'm gonna hug him in bed it'll be grate fucc yeah okay I can't wait bye Mathie I'll have to catch up with you later.

Alfed

So Mattie,

I'm really embarrassed by the last entry but I'm not gonna rip pages out because there's no secrets between us right? I'm massively hungover and doped up on pills to kill my headache so maybe that's why I'm not as embarrassed as I should be.

You've gotta read my fucked up handwriting first

NO first would be you be here to actually read it.

I kinda feel sick about actually thinking I'd see you again later. I mean I'm optimistic that I'll see you again one day but at that moment I was so fucking convinced that I was on top of the world and everything was alright. But maybe I will catch up with you later and you can tell me all about whatever epic adventure you went on without me!

I'll tell you about last night's adventure and thankfully I didn't throw up or Francis would've been grossed out. Anyways I'll start at the start at the party that was at Gilbert's place. His Opa or whatever is never home so he gets the place to himself.

Obviously I drank a bit and then I kept hanging around Francis because we just talk so well, you know? We just yap back and forth and it's great. Plus I like his accent and he said that he likes talking to me because I'm funny and cheerful (so glad I remember that). Also Francis was flirting back a lot. I wish he wasn't flirty all the time to everyone so I could pretend that it was real but I know it's not. But I had fun pretending and the alcohol gave me the courage to "pretend" to flirt back in a joking normal bro way. I hope you know what its like to have friends like that where you pretend to flirt because you're just so comfy with them...

Anyways I was just building up to the good part where we were getting into my bed and yes I did succeed in playing with his hair and he said he liked my hair too. Then I said 'oh no I'm cold' and had to warm up with him and then I said 'no homo but I've gotta kiss the homies goodnight' and then... drum roll please. We smooched. For real! And then we fell asleep in each others arms!

Then when he left today he did a whole French kiss thing (NOT French kiss like the tongue thing... YET. maybe next party. I'm joking lol) where you kiss cheeks and do the head turn thing. That was something and then Arthur saw and made direct eye contact with me as he tipped his tea down the sink. He looked like this - ಠಠ (Side note my drawings are funny aren't they?) How fucking dramatic. He's just jealous!

Not that there's anything to be jealous of but he's just so whiney sometimes.

Anyway that's the update. Hope you did something to celebrate and maybe have someone to keep you warm at night. Or not it's okay if you don't because you can't or don't want to. I won't tell anyone ha ha.

Also I just realised me and Francis forgot about stealing your drawings... but it's okay I think I can cope without them for a bit. In fact, I'm kinda scared to see them again. Besides, I can go hug Kuma whenever I need so there's that. I promise I'm looking after Kuma for you.

Lots of love, Alfred

Matthew,

It's nearly been a year since you disappeared and I hope you're doing well. I picture you are. I ignore any alternative.

Alfred said he's been writing you 'letters' to cope and said I should do the same because he doesn't like the way I've been acting. I'll have you know I've been acting completely fine and he's just being sensitive. I'm just writing this now because every now and then I think of you

It's stupid because you'll never read these so I don't see how it'll make me feel any better. The only thing that would make me feel better is giving you a smack over the head for pulling this whole stunt. I don't care if you think that living with me is suffocating but at least you could've told me that to my face and *then stormed out the door. I would've appreciated you left like that rather than like this.

Regardless I don't see myself writing many letters. I'd rather keep my thoughts inside my head instead of leaving my feelings somewhere they can be found. Alfred lashes out enough, I won't be following in his footsteps.

But if you were to actually read this then I supposed I'd want you to reply with answers and that won't happen now, will it? So I'm just supposed to write down sensitive information and feelings here and decide to feel better even though nothing would come of it?

Fine, if you were here I'd call you an arsehole because you definitely knew what you were doing, right? I won't let it ruin me though. I'll have a stiff upper lip and no matter how I feel about it on any given day I will carry on. You'll find me just the same as I was when you left.

- Arthur

Matthew,

I'm sorry. I was in quite the mood in my last letter so my apologies if I seemed standoffish. I've actually been trying to be mature, for some reason it's on me to be the bigger person because if I'm not things might get worse.

I'm sure you didn't actually plan for any of this to happen. You probably just felt the overwhelming urge to run away and didn't actually put any thought into it, right? I know you'd never mean to hurt us. You were always so kind and thoughtful and now all I can think about was how we took you for granted.

It's hard not to blame anyone and it's hard to try and keep everyone from feeling it too badly. There's been a couple of times when Alfred's been moody about it and I've had to provide distractions. I hate to say it but I'm grateful for Francis, who said I could text anytime and he would innocently text Alfred that he needs an assistant. Once that worked out Francis told Gilbert and Antonio the same because Francis wasn't always available and so between the three of them, I can count on someone to back me up to stop Alfred from getting too moody. Which is a relief because I've noticed that when Alfred becomes moody, my own mood plummets and I find it hard to maintain my dignity and my 'bigger person' facade.

I also hate to say it but they've been doing the same for me too. Just the other day Antonio suggested I play football with him and despite knowing what he was doing I agreed. It wasn't that bad, actually, and I do like how everyone's grown closer together since... there's one good thing to come out of this.

I have to go now but I'll be thinking of you. It's a curse but I promise I won't forget you and I'll love you forever, to the moon and back and even any distance further. I'd travel that far for you and my biggest regret it you didn't know that.

- Arthur

Hey Mattie

I can't sleep and I can't stop tearing up I keep telling myself that I KNOW you're alive because we KNOW you're not dead but why does it feel like you've died?! I want you back Mattie even if it's for 5 minutes I don't care I just need to hug you or something. I know I'll feel alright in the morning but it's hours and hours away and I can't wait that long and I don't know what to do. Please

Fuck I'm so so sorry please

FUCK

I'm so fucking sorry please just

Mattie

I've been having a really bad week and it's just getting to the point where I don't even care how/what you think about me and I wouldn't care if you rightfully fucking hated me because I know I'd fucking deserve it because I'm a piece of shit but I NEEEED you to know that I loved you Mattie. You knew that right? I love you and I still love you I'll always love you and whenever I think of you I feel empty and I just hope you're not empty like I am and it's not tearing you apart to be away but it mustn't be right because then you would've come back right? Did you not come back because you don't think we love you? Because we do so much and I can only hope you don't come back because you HATE us which is better than the alternative right? It would hurt less right? Not being loved would suck more than hating. At least hating makes it our problem and not yours.

Okay I got an energy drink to calm down even though it's just after dinner. I know you wouldn't tell Arthur.

I just keep blaming myself. At first I was really angry (not at you!) but just because it got to this point and we didn't see it coming and now it can't be undone and I can't talk to you!

Maybe I'll have to get famous somehow so I can embarrass myself on TV just to get your attention and know that I'm sorry. Okay I know that'll never work but I just can't stop myself from imagining things fixing themselves because surely you can't stay away forever right? Sometimes I think I'm going to see you at the supermarket so I can only leave the house in the best clothes just in case and then I'm paranoid that you'll pop up and then I'll get to say everything I want to but then I never see you.

Anyway, I need to distract myself before I stain the paper with tears again haha.

Love you lots, Alfred

Matthew,

I feel the urge to write another letter before crumpling it up and throwing it at someone.

I'm angry at you and as time goes on I just get angrier. I try to focus on the present and ignore this situation but sometimes it just ruins my whole day. The more I think about it and churn my thoughts to refine them, the more things I realise that my anger is valid. Even if you were having a mental health crisis I'm still allowed to be angry at you! Besides, your crisis can't last forever! You could've come back to us at any time but you chose to leave us here without any closure and going grey from worry!

Despite all this time, there's been no new information. Congratulations, you did a thorough job with removing yourself from our lives! I'd tip my hat to you but I'd rather give you the finger. Because seriously, fuck you! You hurt us, do you know that?

But for as angry as I am I know I'm angry at myself. I want to tear my hair out because now I can see how this is all my fault and you were neglected in your own home. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have been so composed about how I'd respond to it.

I also know this anger comes from grief. So please don't be afraid to come home just because we'll be angry. I'd rather hug you than slap you at this point.

Regretfully,

Arthur

Mattie

I should probably mention that since me and Francis shared a bed something weird's been happening. He would flirt with me and then I'd flirt back! But it's all in a joking context because now it's like an inside joke between friends and I don't want it to stop but you know! Suffering from success? I'm the only one from our group he flirts with and I'm flirting back and he's the only one I flirt WITH so it's scary to do but it's so fun at the same time! Like I'm shaking but it's good shaking and it puts me on such a high.

There's a lot of things that 'I should probably mention' because sometimes I get busy and just forget to so I'll list them now.

I'm still in the business baby! But I'm also doing marketing and stuff at the same time. In short I'm gonna be so certified once I graduate. I hope we're back on speaking terms by then haha so you can watch me graduate and be proud.

I'll list more later Arthur's insisting we go out for our weekly dinner, which is a thing now. He chose the place last time so I guess we're going to McDonalds!

3 Al

Mattie,

I just had the most eventful day ngl.

Our 20th bday is coming up and that'll mean I spend a whole age without you. You could've been here and I could've been wherever you are but we just weren't. Sometimes I get teary about it but I've been putting off crying.

But I did cry today. I've been talking to some others in my class, networking and all that jazz when we were talking about families. I already felt weird about it but then I got asked how many siblings I had because I mentioned having to do something for Arthur... and my brain just went all tingly. How the fuck do I answer that? Obviously I have 2 but then my brain went all emo and said clearly I only have one because I don't have you anymore. But we'll always be bros, right? Even if you never ever ever speak to me again?

Anyway I cried in the bathroom for a bit before calling Gilbert after. Can't let him hear me being sad lmao that would suck. I shouldn't talk down about Gil like that I'm just joking cus I'm embarrassed but I promise Gil isn't an asshole who'd make fun of someone crying. I wouldn't be against the two of you so that means he has to be alright. Can't let my bro be with someone shitty.

Anyway, then later Gil and I climbed on Toni's roof for a chat but it was a sad chat I could tell he was sad. I know they were more my friends than yours but they still cared for you and they care for me too so it gets to them too. Anyways we were being sad together and staring at the moon when Gil brought out that letter he wrote. You know the one that started all of this? It kinda scares me how much longer it could've taken for us to find out if it weren't

Anyway, he let me read it and he told me that he hasn't been able to move on completely. Like he's come to terms with it but you live rent free in his head. He said he doesn't even want to try to move on and somehow he's okay with that, his words not mine but trust me I get it. And also that he feels kinda cursed in the love department and he thinks if he crushes on anyone else something bad might happen which is a bit dramatic right? It's not 100% his fault you left but yeah he should've noticed if he actually liked you. Obviously anyone should've noticed. Anyways he said he's kept the letter because he's grown as a person and could say it in person if he saw you.

I can't remember the letter word for word but it had his number and socials and also some simp-y words. Stuff like how he thinks you're cute how you do things and how your kindness makes you admirable and mature and that you're smart and a killer at hockey and stuff like that. Gil said it's a time capsule because he'd use more awesome words now, but he doesn't have anything to write about because you're not here.

I told Gil I kept blaming myself and he said he blames himself because he was watching you every day and should've seen that you were unhappy. I told him that was your TWIN I should've known the difference between 'you're okay with your life' quiet and 'you need to leave everything behind because you can't take it anymore' quiet.

Toni joined us too and he's tried to keep us optimistic. But then we just had a sad night and now I'm packing to sleep over at Toni's and writing this real quick.

3 I'd do anything for you, I hope you know that. Love Alfred