A Queen's Deal

A/N So I'm reading Agatha Christie's Death on the Nile and that got me thinking about The Ruby's Curse, which I haven't actually read yet, but it's next on the list. Which got me thinking about River and Liz 10. Cos it's funny, you know, Elizabeth the tenth, Elizabeth the first. So I thought, how did River really get Liz 10 to give her the painting?

The Royal Collection, Starship: UK, 5145

Dr River Song, freshly escaped from her cell in the prison known as Stormcage, scuttled down the steps to the Royal Collection in the dark. In her hands was a torch strong enough to cast a bright beam in front of her, but still small enough to slip into her bra. Her hair was pinned back behind her head and she was covered from head to toe in black leather. It pinched in at her waist and warned her to be careful when moving because it might squeak. The front was corseted, tightly clipped to expose a hint of a chest worth exploring. Not that she expected to run into anyone down here, but one must be prepared for every occasion.

She scanned the room, the torch beam landing on hung empty frame after empty frame. Still nothing, she thought to herself. She was looking for a specific painting. The Doctor had told her about Vincent's painting, and where it would be in her time. She just had to find it, and get it to him. She sighed and kept going, cautious to stay quiet as she didn't want the guards to find her. The room stank of must, of a dank abandonment. It was sad the work of Van Gogh was being left to rot, that the Royal Collection had faded into a dismal robber's dream.

She turned again, passing a few oil paintings that'd been ripped from their frames, and saw it. It was like nothing she'd ever seen before, a swirling pattern of broken TARDIS and golden light. It was a Van Gogh all right. She stepped forward and tore the picture from its frame and rolled it up in her nifty hands. Now all that was left was the task of getting out of there without being discovered. Something she specialised at.

River rushed up the stairs, aiming to get out in the next few minutes, when the lights flew on and stopped her in her tracks. She looked up, her breath caught in her throat. In front of her was a woman cloaked in red velvet, and she was pointing a small handgun right into River's face. "This is the Royal Collection." She said sternly, her ownership of the building was present in the way she spoke. This was a statement and a threat. "And I'm the bloody Queen."

River held up her hands in surrender. She'd heard about the fabled Elizabeth the Tenth but she'd never met her. The Doctor had of course and informed her of the queen's habits. But now she was standing in front of her, something clicked. She could see why the Doctor was keen.

"What are you doing here?" Liz asked, her voice low and quiet. River half expected it to echo in such a large room but it seemed like it was speaking directly to her.

"It's about the Doctor, Ma'am." She replied hastily, not wanting to upset the Queen. "You met him once, didn't you? I know he came here." Yes, she knew because she'd read his diary. When she said informed, she meant of course, not willingly.

"The Doctor?" Liz deliberated, yes, the Doctor had helped her, hadn't he? Saved her from her own little royal dilemma. She wondered who this woman was and how she knew him. Though he had many companions, did he not?

River approached her slowly, "he's in trouble. I need to find him." They were closer now, close enough to smell the lingering scent of perfume on Liz's neck. River's eyes flicked upwards to meet hers.

The Queen only endeared her further. "Then why are you stealing a painting?"

River's face fell, she'd half forgotten about the painting. "Look at it." She unrolled it and handed it over to Liz. The intricacies of the paint smelt too, a rusty old smell, thousands of years by now. Restored a dozen times and now coated in a sort of resin that held the paint to the paper. "I need to find the Doctor, and I need to show him this."

Liz looked up at her with big brown eyes, she wondered how she'd never seen this before, wandering the halls of the Collection. But then again, her memory wasn't what it had been. She was nearing two hundred. "Who are you?" She asked, it should've been her first question but the woman had distracted her. The leather, the theft, it was all very distracting.

"Dr Song, Ma'am. River Song."

The Queen sat forward swapping the gun back and forth between her hands. "I've heard of you, Dr Song. I heard you're in Stormcage." Her entire demeanor shifted as her face fell. She'd been enjoying her little interrogation up until now. In all the tales she'd heard of River Song, no one had ever mentioned how attractive she was. But she was a murderer too, so it was hardly a relevant detail.

"Oh that. But technically I'm in prison for a murder that hasn't happened yet, does that help?" River added, hoping for some leverage.

The Queen raised a royal eyebrow. "Murder is a fixed event in time. I'm a Queen in the fifty second century, I took classes in time travel theory."

"The Doctor really does need my help." River said, pulling at the heartstrings of the queen, she obviously cared about her people. Maybe she could make her see how much she cared about the stupid man in his box.

"I'm sure he does." Liz deliberated over her response. Yes, she could let the woman go and return to the Doctor with the painting and it'd never see the walls of the Collection again. Or she could make a deal. She licked her lips and leaned forward once more, River waited patiently. "I won't get this painting back, will I?"

"No." River answered bluntly. She was trying to ignore the perfume jutting into her face, because it was halfway to convincing her Elizabeth the tenth was something of a catch. Oh but just think, Elizabeth the Tenth, Queen of the United Kingdom Starship. She was deciding in her head. That'd one up his Elizabeth the First.

"No, I didn't think so." She clasped her hands together, her eyes sharpening their gaze as she prepared for a bargain. "So Dr Song, what exactly, can I expect to get out of this?" She knew she was going to let her have it, that wasn't even a question. She just wanted someone to play with, there never really had been anyone in her lonely palace.

River bit her lip and edged ever so closer. She leaned in close enough to whisper in the Queen's ear. Liz sat back, "okay, but deal's a deal." River nodded and clutched the painting tightly. Mentally working through the maze of the building in her head and her next three steps to get the painting to the Doctor. "Let me walk you out, Dr Song." Liz stood up and put her hand low on River's back, guiding her through the empty doorways. River shuddered at the touch, not used to hands on her. She realised she really had been in prison a long time, and maybe it was time to think about getting out for good.

They walked silently through endless corridor after corridor until River noticed they really and truly were alone, "you don't have any guards on duty, do you?"

"No, I don't." Liz replied, shaking her head, a smile invading her features.

As they arrived at a transport docking station, Liz whispered to one of the drivers and arranged transport for wherever River needed to go. She said goodbye and lowered her hand until it grasped River's rounded leather-covered butt. "Come back soon, Dr River Song," she called waving. She felt stupid, but a deal's a deal.