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There is a higher plane of existence beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension between the dimensions existing outside the laws of time and space and is as timeless as infinity. And it is in this dimension that exists that governs the flow of time. Time is the one constant of the universe that allows it to have any kind of order. Time is the ultimate form of order, for without time, there would be no existence. Time cannot exist without space. And space cannot exist without time.
The timestream was where all timelines were concentrated and ordered in the shape of a massive tree on its side. Slowly, these branching timelines wiggled and shifted, made up of multicolored bubbles. Some connected to others, and others stood alone. But they are all connected and influenced by one true timeline.
The Prime Timeline is the canon timeline of our universe—the true timeline. It is made up of larger, pink-colored time bubbles, larger than the others, with many more orbs in it. This timeline influences all other timelines, and it can be altered by one being—the master of all time—Time himself.
Father Time was floating near the Prime Timeline, watching time play out. Happy to see it flowing the way it should be. After failing so many times to stop Bill, it took one change in the timeline. One person will change the course of history for all timelines.
A presence alerted him, and the embodiment of all time turned to look at you. "Oh, hello there. I didn't see you there," said Father Time, turning his body made of clocks towards the person. "How did you get in here exactly? Let me guess: my brother, the Axolatl, master of space, decided that he was going to invade my space. That salamander is just a pain in my ass. Well, since you're here, you probably know who I am. For those of you who decided to read this story instead of the main one, my name is Father Time. You probably are more familiar with my son, Time Baby. What can I say? He inherited my good looks."
"Shmebulock," said Shmebulock.
"Indeed." Father Time placed his hand on the Prime Timeline. "And this is the Prime Timeline. The timeline that you exist in," he said. "A timeline that allows me to govern the flow of time. Any desire I have for the flow of humanities progression into the future can be done through this. So, I mostly just sit back and let humans take the course. Control their destiny.
"It's a decision I regret, but I am forbidden to do much of anything. Only able to intervene when the time requires it," Time stated. "And that is what happened when Bill Cipher came into existence and brought with him Weirdmageddon. His invasion of your dimension or something that I could not allow. But I could not directly intervene. Not when he killed my son and took the power of time from him. That was how great his power was."
Father Time picked up one of the bubbles and held it out.
"So I needed a hero. And that came in the form of Patrick Pines, the hero of Gravity Falls," he said, showing the time bubble to Shmebulock. In it, Patrick was walking out of his house and getting on the bus to go back to school. "It was he who convinced his friends and family to leave Bill's bubble and kept them safe, and it is Patrick's existence that saved all of the universe. And with him and his family, the Prime Timeline had been restored, and the universe was finally freed from Bill's madness."
"Shmebulock," said Shmebulock.
"So what am I doing here, you may ask? Well, throughout the summer and looking through the other timelines that were spawned from Patrick's existence, I followed every one of their adventures and peeped in on their more…private times for evidence. You could say I'm a fan," Father Time said.
"Shmebulock," said Shmebulock.
"It's because I have opinions. Loose ends that I would like to see tied up! Certain new information from a certain book that I would like to be implemented. Other multiverses that they're a part of! And did you know that there were dimensions where Patrick and Dipper fought over Wendy? Romantically!"
Father Time grew silent for a moment.
"I am so happy that I deleted that thread from the timeline," he said in a dark tone. The embodiment of time quickly changed his tone. "Some might be asking for a sequel, but you've already got one with Patrick's son, Thomas. The possibility of Patrick's story continuing is all based on if we get another summer like the last one. Until then, I am here to bring you some of the lost tales of Patrick and his family's lives. Forbidden adventures from the past and future—stories that have never been told. Some of these exist in the prime timeline, and others exist in other timelines."
"Join me as we take a look into weirder things and their lost legends."
"Shmebulock," said Shmebulock.
WEIRDER THINGS: LOST LEGENDS
CHAPTER ONE: COMIX UP
For the first time in a long time, Patrick and the twins were bored. Finding out the truth about Stan, Veronica, Ford, and Project Janus, the gateway to other dimensions, had left them shell-shocked and uncertain about the future. But now, they couldn't think of anything to do. The young man would have been in the gift shop, filtering with Wendy and making out with her. However, with Stan around, there was no chance of that happening. Soos wasn't around, so no hanging out with him. So now, all he could do was lay back on the porch couch with his cousins in the morning sun, surrounded by the chirping of the birds, equally bored as him.
"Have you ever seen a baby that looked old," Mabel asked, staring blankly at the porch's ceiling. Patrick was in the middle, leaning back. Mabel was to his right, resting on Waddles, who had his head on the armrest. Dipper was on the left, upside down, with his back on the cushion and his head and arms hanging off the edge. "Like an old baby?"
"I think there was a movie about a guy that aged in reverse," Patrick said.
"Welp, we've officially run out of things to talk about," Dipper said, sitting up. "If only there were a way to go on an adventure…without getting up or tilting my neck."
"We could read a book," Patrick suggested, only for Mabel to blow a raspberry.
And then, just as they didn't think that anything could relieve them of their boredom, Soos came along. Hitting the brakes, he brought his pickup truck to a shrieking halt in front of the house with a bunch of boxes in the back.
Soos called out to his best friends. "Who wants a truckload of comic books!"
"Whaaaaa!" Patrick, Dipper, and Mabel exclaimed in amazement as they quickly sat up. They quickly ran over to Soos. As he got out of the truck, he opened his truck's bed.
"Come on! Let's get these inside," he said, grabbing one of the boxes and handing it to Patrick.
"Whoa!" Patrick stumbled a bit from how heavy the box was. He quickly steadied himself as Mabel and Dipper were each given a box. "Soos, I don't get it. What're you doing bringing all this stuff here," he asked while following the big handyman into the gift shop. This caught the attention of Wendy, who was already reading the latest teen magazine.
"Abuelita's filling my storage closet room with creepy porcelain angels," Soos said, placing the box he'd carried on the counter. Patrick, Dipper, and Mabel set theirs on the floor. The handyman cracked open his box, smiling at the collection he'd accumulated over the years. "So, I need a new place to keep my comic collection! Enjoy dudes!"
Hearing that, Patrick, Dipper, and Mabel smiled at one another and quickly opened their boxes, grabbing a handful. Spreading them on the floor, they each picked up one and opened it to read.
"Whoa," Dipper said, reading a manga, "adolescent power fantasies!"
"Awesome! Horror comics that gave parents a hypocritical moral panic," Patrick said, reading a vintage horror comic.
"Pretty men in pretty tights!" Mabel exclaimed, holding up an action comic. With a mischievous grin, she grabbed a bottle of white-out that Stan used for tax purposes. "And with a little bit of white-out…you can fix the boring dialogue!"
After she was done writing the new text, she started reading it out loud.
"Egad! MY FACE IS 90% CHIN!"
"I'll never PUNCH AWAY MY LONELINESS!"
Patrick, Dipper, and Soos gathered around, laughing at how utterly ridiculous Mabel's new texts were. "Eisner award, here I come!" Mabel exclaimed.
However, the sounds of the kids and Soos attracted someone else. Stan walked into the gift shop with a confused frown. "Hey, I was summoned by the sound of laughter and fun and came over—" he gasped at what he saw. Comic books in his store! "Oh, no! No way! All of you put those down. You'll not have them in my house!"
"Ford's house," Dipper connected.
"What's with you," Patrick asked, not sure what had Stan in such a bend. "We're just reading comics."
"BAH! So-called comic books are dumb rags for babies and the perpetually unemployed!" Stan told his nephew. "Soos! Load these into the Bottomless Pit!"
"But, Mr. Pines, comics are a legitimate artistic medium!" Soos argued. "Like Easter egg painting and rodeo clowning."
"Not to mention that you can get a lot of money by selling these to collectors," Patrick said, holding up one of the rare Creepshow comics.
"Balderdash! Words and pictures are an unholy union! Besides, these goof-'em rags just distract the employees! Look!" Stan yelled, pointing to Wendy, who had picked out a Blarchie comic from Soos's collection and was laughing at it.
"Oh, Blarchie! Who needs a personality when you have freckles," she giggled, only for Stan to snatch the comic from the redhead's hands. "Hey! I was reading that!"
"And I'm taking them away," Stan declared, snatching up as many comics as he could from the ground and his family's hands. "I'm hiding these wacky pages before they convince you to go to art school!"
"Hey!" Dipper yelled, with Mabel joining it with a "Boo!"
"Not cool, man!" Patrick exclaimed.
"My comics!" Soos exclaimed. "What will I complain about online now?"
Patrick looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Have you tried Disney? Plenty of stuff to complain about with the mousy bastard," he said.
Meanwhile, Stan opened to door to his brother's closet. There was a chest in there, one decorated with a skull and bones, looking obviously cursed. But Stan didn't care. Ford didn't make the rules. He didn't live in this house for thirty years. As far as he was concerned, Stan still owned the house.
"I'll just hide these comics with all of Ford's creepy junk," Stan said. "No one ever touches this crap."
He opened the chest and quickly stuffed the comics inside it, not even noticing the glowing purple energy coming from within it. He just slammed its lid shut with a grin.
"There's no way this can ironically backfire!" Stan exclaimed as he turned and walked out of the closet. "I'm finally free from comics!"
When the door closed, there was silence at first. However, a moment later, the eyes of the skull started to glow, and a dark source of evil began to leak from the corners of the chest. Something was coming alive. Now that it had something to draw on for its source of power.
…OR WAS HE?
"Ducktective, you're pregnant?!"
"Quack! Quack!"
This show really started going downhill. Ever since the show revealed that Ducktective had an evil brother, it just hadn't been the same anymore. The excitement and mystery were gone, and now it was just some family drama with some light detective work. It's a wonder why Stan was sitting back in his chair, suit off, slippers on, and eating ice cream while still watching the show.
However, the moment would end with the arrival of a yellow text box over Stan's head.
ANOTHER DAY FINDS GRUNKLE STAN SCRATCHING HIMSELF, PANTLESS AND ALONE! The box said.
"What the," Stan said, jumping out of his chair in shock. "What is that yellow box?!"
STAN IS VEXED BY THE NARRATION! BUT ALAS, HE IS TOO DUMB TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
"Hey! Cut that out!" Stan yelled, pointed at the box. Quickly grabbing a bat, he tried swinging at the narration, but the box swiftly moved out of the way. Stan swiped again but missed again. The narration was too fast.
STAN SWIPES, BUT IS TOO SLOW TO STOP THE BOX! IS THIS THE END OF OUR HERO?
"Can it, wise guy!" Stan yelled, chasing after the box as it flew around the living room. "I'll teach you to narrate me omnisciently!"
At that moment, Patrick came walking down the steps. "Stan, what the hell is going—" he stopped when he saw the box flying out of the living room, laughing at Stan as he gave chase. The box stopped in front of a wall and flew up at the last second, making Stan crash into the wall. "...on?"
LATER, DOWN IN THE LAB…
"Shut it!" Patrick yelled at the box, now standing down in the lab. Ford was there, and he looked at the box quizzically after his nephew brought Stan down there. Patrick's gut told him that the narration, whatever it was, would follow. And luckily for the two of them—not so much for Stan, it did.
"So…what happened," Ford asked.
"What are ya', blind?! This dumb box won't stop narrating me!" Stan yelled, pointing at the yellow box. "And it keeps using obnoxious words like Zounds and Meanwhile."
Sighing with a headshake, Patrick turned to Ford and asked, "Curse?"
"Oh, definitely," Ford confirmed with a nod. "You're clearly under some kind of curse, Stanley."
"Okay, but how?!" Stan asked.
"Well, did you insult anyone lately?"
"Oh sure," Stan said, using his fingers to count out all of the people that he'd insulted in the past 24 hours. "A nun, some Girl Scouts, the entire House of Representatives…"
"Wait, you're the reason there was a bunch of Girl Scouts outside the shack, ready to bust down the door," Patrick asked, raising an eyebrow. He turned back to the yellow box and examined it closer. "Wait…that looks like a comic text box! Stan, where did you put Soos's comics?!"
"I locked those in the closet," Stan said, only for Ford to walk up to him with a grave expression.
"Where…exactly did you put it," he asked with gritting teeth.
"Oh, just inside your creepy-looking chest," Stan said, waving his hand in a circular motion. "For some reason, it was glowing with some kind of demonic power—"
Out of nowhere, Ford jumped at Stan and tackled him to the ground. Grabbing his collar and shaking him back and forth. "Stan! That chest is cursed!"
"What?! Is everything you own cursed?!
"YES!"
Returning to the closet, both brothers and Patrick cracked open the door and peeked inside.
Suddenly, the door was thrown open, and all three of them were thrown to the floor. Inside, the cursed chest was coming to life. Dark purple energy was flying all around it, along with the comics that Stan threw it. Its lid was open, and it talked by opening and closing it.
"STAN PINES!" the chest yelled in a booming, otherworldly voice. "You must atone for the sin of insulting the medium of the graphic novel!"
"Don't you mean 'comic'?" Stan asked, shielding his eyes from the bright light with his hands.
"NO! I mean graphic novel!"
"Seem kinda…pretentious is all…"
Patrick glared at him and said, "Stan, will you shut the hell up?"
"JUST FOR THAT, THIS WORLD WILL BECOME YOUR TOMB!"
Suddenly, Patrick saw Stan's body being stretched out towards the chest. Just before he could be completely sucked in, Patrick quickly grabbed his arms. "Stan!" he yelled, trying to hold onto him. But the force of the magic was too much.
"AUGH!" Stan screamed as he was sucked into the chest, his body turning into something out of the mind of Roy Lichtenstein, as all the color on his body became poke-a-dots.
Once the old con artist was completely sucked inside, the chest closed and disappeared into a bright flash of light that almost blinded Patrick and Ford if they hadn't shielded their eyes.
There was a thump, and the pair looked down to see that the cursed chest had turned into a cursed comic box. Titled The Cursed Stan #1, the first of plenty more issues Stan had.
Drum roll.
Ford and Patrick approached the comic, and the teenager picked it up. "This is bad," Ford said.
Later, the two brought Wendy, Dipper, Mabel, and Soos down into Ford's 2nd-floor lab. They showed them the comic and explained what happened, shocking them.
"Oh, no!" Dipper exclaimed, looking at the comic as Mabel held it. "Stan's trapped in a comic!"
"Oh, no!" Mabel exclaimed. "It's expensive!"
"Oh, no!" Soos exclaimed. "It costs extra for our friends in Canada!"
"Oh, no!" Wendy exclaimed. When she said nothing, the others looked at her, expecting her to say something. "What? That's all I've got to say."
Taking the comic from Mabel, Ford opened the comic, revealing a portal in the pages. No matter what page he turned to, there was a portal.
"Well, shit. My brother's charming personality has gotten us into another fix," he said, frowning at the portal. "To get him out, we're gonna have to go inside and rescue him."
"Going inside a comic," Dipper asked, his eyes widening. "This is some advanced escapism!"
"Finally," Wendy said with an excited grin, "a place where I can be violent with zero repercussions!"
"I want to hug every talking animal!" Mabel exclaimed.
Patrick nodded to Ford. "Let's do it."
Ford nodded back and placed the comic on the floor. "All right, everyone, things are about to get two-dimensional," he said as they gathered around the portal. "Say goodbye to your width!"
Soos patted and rubbed his belly. "It's been an honor to serve with you."
Patrick patted him on the back, assuring him he'll see it again. "Alright, so do we just…" Patrick trailed off as he placed his foot on the page's portal. The moment he put weight on it, he was sucked into it. "Whoa!"
"Welp, that answers that question," Ford said, jumping in through the portal after him. Followed by Soos and Dipper.
"Last one there has to kiss Marmaduke!" Wendy exclaimed as she jumped in, with Mabel following behind her.
The moment they entered, the evil curse that controlled the comic world became aware of their presence.
TRY TO RESCUE YOUR UNCLE IF YOU DARE, BUT BEWARE…YOU MIGHT BE "DRAWN INTO" A TERRIBLE FATE! HAHAHAHAHA!
PATRICK n' PALS
THUD!
"OW!" Patrick yelled when he landed on his back. "How I didn't already break my back is a mystery itself," he said, sitting up and looking at himself. "Whoa!"
To his shock, he'd been turned into a 2-D cartoon. Everything from his body to his clothes had all been flattened and colored brightly to match the art style of a Blarchie comic. In fact, it wasn't just him.
He was outside the Mystery Shack, and it, the forest, and the sky had been changed to match the style of the comic. Not only that, but the entire world was inside of tiny boxes. All of his movements make a new small box to chronicle his story.
"This is…weird," Patrick said, which was saying something, considering his life.
THUD!
Standing up, Patrick turned around to see Ford had landed a few feet away.
"Ah, Patrick, there you are," he said.
"Yeah, but there's the others?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Patrick heard a bunch of people screaming and looked up.
THUD!
That's when Soos, Wendy, Dipper, and Mabel flew from the sky and landed on top of him. All of them cartoonified. For a moment, they groaned and looked around the cartoon world they were in, before Soos felt Patrick poking him.
"Get…the fuck…off of me!" Patrick said in a muffled voice, still being crushed under his big friend. Soos and the others got off him, allowing Patrick to get up.
"We're all in. Now start looking for Stanley," Ford said. "And don't touch anything!"
Holding hands with her boyfriend, Wendy looked around the comic world with wide eyes. "This is so weird—we're in tiny boxes," she said.
"This must be how mimes feel all the time!" Mabel said.
Soos hit his chest and made a THWOCK pop out in red font. "Check it out, dawgs! I made a thwock!"
Wondering something, Patrick grabbed the edge of the image and looked down. Amazingly, he saw the next panel of the comic. "Whoa, check it out!" he exclaimed as Dipper joined him and looked down at his future self.
He then reached down and took the hat from his future self, who yelled, "Hey!"
"Cool! Two hats!" he said, amazed that he could do that. However, his past self then grabbed the hat on his head. "Hey!"
"Cool! Two hats!"
"Well, I guess I should've seen that coming," Dipper said, placing his hat back on. The one he got from the other him.
"Be careful!" Ford said. "This world is subjective and unstable and could change styles at any moment!"
ZZAP!
"ZORT! BLRKK!" Patrick yelled. "...Wait, what did I just say?"
He looked around and was shocked to see that the world's art style had changed again. This time, it was more…comic-like. Zanya. The others changed as well, with more rounded teeth and exaggerated bodies. Dipper's hat had a propeller on it, Wedndy had an arrow through her hat, and why were his and her hats covering their eyes?
"I feel funny!" Dipper said, looking at himself.
"Yeah, really funny!" Mabel said.
"We seem to be in Shmad Shmagazine!" Soos said, looking like he had no neck and a bigger mouth. "Watch your step, or you might get spoofed!"
"It's just style fluctuation!" Ford yelled as he walked faster to find someone to ask for directions. "Don't get distracted by the Zaniness!"
"Hey, there's someone," Patrick said, walking up to a purple guy who looked like a spy from Spy vs Spy. He was standing next to a wooden fence that had "Bilroy was here" on it. "Hey, man. Did you see a guy around here? He looks like him," he pointed to Ford, "if he'd given up on life."
"Say, sure have! I can lead ya right to him!" the guy said, adjusting his flower tie.
"That's great!" Patrick said, only for a spring-loaded boxing glove to come out of the flower and hit him right in the face. Knocking him back with his face slightly caved in.
"But you gotta catch me, sucker!" The guy said before running off. Leaving a dotted line behind him.
"Oh, you little fucker!" Patrick growled as he sat back up. "Get him!"
Together, they all ran after the purple guy. As he ran away from the Mystery team, the guy pulled out a large remote control and started flipping switches. Setting off a bunch of traps he had in place for this chase.
First, a bunch of heavy objects started falling from the sky, forcing the team to dodge them.
Second, a manhole opened, with a cannon sticking out. It fired a bowling ball at the group. Most were able to dodge it, but Soos was hit in the stomach.
Third, a large log swung down from two ropes and slammed into Patrick, setting him flying away into a building.
Fourth were mouse traps, bear traps, lit sticks of dynamite, and rabbit traps that appeared out of nowhere!
"This is way less funny when it's happening to me!" Wendy exclaimed, trying to watch her step.
"Follow that creature to Stanley!" Ford said, closing in on the purple guy. "And watch out for style changes!"
ZZAP!
"Kyaaa! I'm late for class!" Mabel-chan exclaimed as she started running down the halls of her Japanese anime high school. However, that's when she stopped and looked at herself in a random mirror hanging in the hallway. That's when Mabel saw that she was now an anime schoolgirl in a Japanese girl sailor uniform. "Wait a minute…why do I look like I'm ready to transform into a superhero?"
"Kyaa! My eyes are gratuitously large and sparkly," Soos-kun said as he, Ford, Wendy, and Dipper wore the same sailor uniforms.
"Kyaa, my legs are cold," said Ford-kun, arms crossed with an annoyed expression.
"Nice skirt, dude," said Wendy-chan, looking at Dipper, who tried in vain to cover himself.
"What is this nightmare?!" Dipper-kun yelled with a massive blush
"I don't know," Patrick said, passing by on something large and fast.
The group looked to Patrick, watching as he stylishly turned his red futuristic bike to the side and came to a skidding stop. He wasn't dressed like a Japanese girl student. He was dressed like the leader of a biker gang with a red leather jacket, pants, boots, and gloves.
"...but I look good," he said, grinning as he pulled off his goggles.
Wendy had hearts in her eyes at how cool her boyfriend was, while Dipper, with white eyes and sharp teeth, yelled, "How come he gets to be cool?!"
"By the way, what anime is this," Patrick asked, looking around.
"This is Heart Captor, Dokidoki Nekochan, dude," Soos said, pointing up a finger. "It's about frisky high school kids who have been 16 years old for the last decade."
"Sounds like a nightmare."
"Is it a nightmare that everyone here is secretly in love with everyone else," Soos asked.
"Yes!" Patrick said. "I have a girlfriend."
"Damn right you do," Wendy said seductively, placing herself onto his lap. Smiling as she leaned close to his blushing face. "And she loves you very much."
"Whoa, W-Wendy, I like this, but what's gotten into you," Patrick said, feeling her trace a heart on his chest and kiss his nose. This seemed to snap her out of it, and Wendy leaned back a bit.
"I-I don't know. I was, like, in the zone," she said, blushing as she realized what she was doing. Not that Wendy minded being held by her boyfriend like this.
"Hmm…" Ford looked around while his face…sparkled. Who writes this stuff? "Yes, there seem to be dangerously high levels of romance in the air. Just keep searching for that purple fellow, and whatever you do, don't make eye contact! That means you two, Patrick and Wendy!"
Everyone looked to see Patrick and Wendy in a beautiful pose as they stared into each other's eyes. They leaned closer, their blushing faces so close to kissing.
"Patrick!" Dipper yelled.
"Huh?" Patrick said as he and Wendy snapped out of it. Blushing as they looked away from one another. "Right, sorry."
Mabel grinned and saluted. "Don't you worry, Grunkle Ford!" she said. "Eyes on the pri—"
However, the moment she opened her eyes, another set of beautiful, hypnotic eyes caught hers. Her heart beat faster as she blushed brightly.
"Kya! Who is this beautiful stranger?" she asked, instantly falling in love.
"Uh, Mabel," Patrick said when he saw who the eyes belonged to.
"Mabel-san, it's me, Senpai Gideon," said Gideon's anime form. No idea how he got in there, but now he was. Looking beautiful with a rose on his nose, like a loser. All he needed to complete his loser outfit was a mask, a tophat, and a cape. "Help me collect the Seven Crystal Sailor Angel Capture Cards, and then we can finally kiss! Tee hee~."
Mabel, however, yelled, "NO! NEVER! YIKES!"
"Yep," Dipper said with an annoyed expression as his twin vehemently shook her head to get rid of the effect the world had on her. Gideon fell on his hands and knees, a gloomy cloud over him.
"Sorry, guys! Everyone here is just so hot! I'm not even to look at that water fountain," Mabel said with her red face in her hands, referring to the fountain that had a human face and making kissy faces at the team.
Wendy rolled her eyes with a smirk before seeing a dotted line. Following it, she saw the purple guy going through a locker.
"Look! It's that cartoon jerk!" she yelled, pointing and running after the guy. "Quick, follow him into that locker before our eyes get any bigger!"
They all went through the locker and…
ZZAP!
Patrick came to a stop as his massive armored foot crushed the skulls under him. "Damn, it happened a—whoa," he said, amazed by his new appearance. Now, he was clad in the armor of a Salamander Space Marine from Warhammer 40k. Everyone else had changed, too, all in the style of darker fantasy and Dark Horse comics. The world around them was like something out of a Hellboy comic.
"Ho-HO! Now we're talking," Wendy said, holding up a lantern. "What is this place?"
"It's like we're inside of Patrick's drawing!" Mabel said, wearing a pair of goggles, while Dipper wore a large gauntlet.
"This is The Grimdark Chronicles, a comic where everyone you like dies," Soos said. "It's very popular!"
"But, wait, why am I a Space Marine, brother," Patrick asked in a robotic voice.
"Because it's Grimdark, dude."
"Yes, I suppose this is true," Patrick said, holding his Bolter in both hands.
Ford approached a rotting zombie that was crawling out of its grave. "You there! Have you seen a pointy man with a fedora and no respect for the laws of physics," he asked.
"Nyaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!" The zombie roared.
"What did it say?" Wendy asked, Dipper tapping his chin with his big glove.
"If I were to guess, they couldn't see much of anything," he said, looking around. "These pages are 80% pure black."
Patrick was about to speak when a caw flew over and landed on the powerpack on his back. Then, it started talking.
"I have seen the man you seek, CAW! He went in through those catacombs, CAW!"
"Thanks, terrifying bird!" Mabel said. "I trust you 100%!"
"Let us move," Patrick said dutifully. "There's no shelter for those who oppose the Imperium of Man."
"You are getting way into your role," Wendy said with a smirk.
"I have to!" Patrick whined before they ran across the graveyard towards the catacombs.
"Cool!" Soos said, seeing how all their bodies turned completely black against the blue night sky and Wendy's lantern light. "Silhouettes!
"I'm sticking out my tongue right now, but you can't see it," Mabel said.
Dipper pulled his metal fist further up his arm. "This metal fist is chafing, guys!"
As they approached the glowing open door of the catacombs, Ford said, "I think we're getting close—this could be it!"
ZZAP!
SUDDENLY, OUR HEROES FIND THEMSELVES IN THE CITY OF CONFLICTROPOLIS.
The voice that trapped Stan in the comic world echoed all around Patrick and the others as the text box appeared above them. Out of the darker style of the Grimdark Chronicles, the team turned into semi-realistic forms. They were not on top of a tower.
Ford came to a skidding halt and said, "Wait a minute…Halftone colors? This doesn't look right…"
The Indestructi-Buddies!
Issue #618: Overextended Universe.
The team was about to approach the purple guy, but any progress was halted by the landing of the famous Indestructi-Buddies, who placed themselves in front of the creature.
The team was named after Indestructibro, a muscular superhero with broad shoulders and, in context, an ideal superhero appearance. He had a round face with a classical square shin from other superheroes. His costume was a yellow and red outfit with a black utility belt. He wore a yellow mask, and his eyes looked through them like other famous heroes.
Looking at him, Patrick thought that Mabel was right. His head is 90% chin.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who tried to white-out our captions!" Indestructibro said, glaring at Mabel with his arms crossed.
"We work hard on those quips!" yelled the seeming leader of the group, a male with a muscular body type who wore a white suit with a purple shirt. He also wore a black bowler hat with a purple ribbon and commonly carried a club with nails. "How dare you!"
Patrick sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, we're sorry about that, but can we do this some other time," he asked, pointing to the purple guy. "We've got business with that guy."
"Yeah, well, prepare to be Indestructi-beaten!" yelled the sole female of the group. She had a muscular female body build, wore pink gloves, and her outfit was pink and black. She wore a black mask, and her eyes were white through them, like other famous heroes. She had green hair that blinds the left part of her head.
"Oh, come on!"
Soos, on the other hand, was over the moon. "Oh my God! The Indestructi-Buddies!" he exclaimed with glee, making everyone look at him. "I just want to say it's gonna be an honor to be killed by you."
Patrick smacked him over the head. Wendy rolled her eyes and cracked her knuckles. "Eh, I bet we could talk these dorks," she said, grinning with determination. Finally, her chance to be violent.
"HA!" Indestructibro laughed as he flexed and frothed at the mouth. "Indestructibro has no weaknesses!
"Yeah?" Patrick asked, walking up to the guy and grabbing his speech bubble. "How about this!"
He stabbed the hero in the stomach with the pointy end of the speech bubble. This attack worked, making Indestructibro yell in agony. "AUGH! My one weakness!" He shouted before collapsing on his knees, clenching his stomach where he was stabbed. "How did you…?"
"Everyone knows that your weakness is words," Patrick said with his fists on his hips. "Sticks and stones can't break your bones, but words can."
This shocked the other members of the Indestructi-Buddies before they snapped out of it when the leader yelled, "Hey, that's cheating!"
"No, it's not!" Patrick said. "Not my fault he had a stupid weakness!"
"Get them!" yelled the superheroine, and the Indestructi-Buddies started advancing toward the Pines, ready to beat them within an inch of their lives.
WITH NO POWERS, PATRICK & CO. ARE HELPESS!
Seeing the text bubble and how Patrick beat Indestructibro, Soos placed a hand on his chin and started to think. "Wait a minute…"
The friendly handyman grabbed the text box and placed it on the ground, back facing up. He then said, "Doo Doo Doo," while pulling out a black marker and started writing something new. When Soos was finished, he held the box up and placed it back where it once was.
Suddenly, Soos and his friends gained totally rad powers and kicked everyone's ass!
And just like that, the Mystery Team exploded in a puff of magical smoke.
"What the hell?! What happened!" yelled the superheroine.
She was punched in the face by a giant fist made of a rainbow, thanks to Mabel, who was dressed like a wizard. As the hero Pain-Bow, her superpowers will beat you red, orange, yellow, green, black, and blue!
Mabel yelled her catchphrase, "Taste the Pain-Bow!"
"They have powers!?" the Iron Man knocked off and yelled in shock as he flew off the ground. "That's not possible!"
"Think again!" Dipper shouted his catchphrase before the hero's armored legs were suddenly taken apart by the young boy's new power, Telekinervousness. This new power gave him an overly larger head than he normally had. "And again!"
More of the Iron Man knock-off's armor was stripped off.
"And again!"
The rest of the armor was taken off before Dipper dropped the hero in his underwear, thankfully causing him to fall on the roof.
With Journal #3's logo on the back of his coat and wearing a pair of futuristic glasses, Ford, aka Six-Shooter, fired his two three-barreled blasters at a hero who looked like a living brick wall. His power was shooting first and authoring journals later.
"High six," he said, feeling like an action hero.
The bat-welding hero rushed at Wendy and was about to bash her brains in. However, Wendy, now the flannel-tight suit-wearing Plaid Widow, chopped the bat's top half off, thanks to her special ability to cut blades and cut sarcasm.
"Catchphrases are lame," she said.
"I'll kill you," another hero yelled as he jumped at Wendy's back. However, he was punched in the face by the curved end of a crowbar.
"Think again, bub!" Patrick yelled his catchphrase as Wolver-Rick, a Wolverine-style hero whose superpower was to bring the pain with arm-crowbars.
The werewolf hero was the last one standing, and after he watched as his friend, he had enough. He ran off the roof and jumped across to the other one. However, before he could land, a giant hand grabbed him.
"You won't like me when I'm amiable, dude!" exclaimed a newly giant Soos, aka Dude-Dude! He was now the size of the tall buildings of the city, thanks to the special ability to grow bigger every time he said "dude."
After the superheroes were finally defeated, their bodies were pilled up, with Patrick, Dipper, and Mabel standing on top of them. They were triumphant yet conflicted in their victory.
"Man, there's a lot of bodies here," Dipper said.
"Yeah, I'm a little morally conflicted about this," Patrick said, scratching the back of his head with his crowbar claws.
Mabel, on the other hand, had no moral conflicts. "WOO! WOO! What a rush!"
With nothing standing in their way, Ford marched up to the purple guy and grabbed him by his shirt. "Alright, wise guy! Tell us where Stan is," he demanded from him. "And no more gags, yuks, or funny business!"
"Howzabout…" the guy then pulled out a bomb and held it behind Ford, making him turn to look at it. "Pro comedy?!"
"Oh, great."
With a great big boom, everyone was not only blasted away but blasted out of the comic's panel by the blast of the explosion. Scattering them across the comic world and in other panels.
Except for Patrick, who landed on his front in a dark, narrow passageway. At least, that's what he thought it was when he groaned in pain and tried to look around. However, just as he was about to push himself up, Soos came crashing down on top of him. Crushing him under his weight. And this time, unlike in the Blarchie world, he felt the full weight of his friend.
"OH, MY GOD!" Patrick yelled in a muffled voice under Soos. "WHAT DO YOU EAT?!"
Soos rolled himself off of Patrick, whose face was still planted on the floor wherever they were. When he opened his eyes, the handyman's eyes widened. "Uh, dude, you've gotta see this," he said in awe.
"What?" Patrick asked, picking himself up, only to go wide-eyed. "Oh."
They weren't in a hallway. They were in the labyrinth of the space between the comic panels, each panel elevated off the ground by walls 8 feet in height, making it feel like they were in an empty office building.
"Oh no," Soos said, freaking out. "We've been blown into the margins!"
"But what about the others?" Patrick asked, standing up before calling out to his girlfriend and family. "Guys?! Wendy!? Where are you?!"
"Dipper? Mabel?" Soos called out to the others as well. "Mr. Pines?"
Patrick, starting to panic at the thought of losing them, was about to call out to them again when he heard something. It was very loud, but it was undoubtedly a voice.
"Sssh! You hear that," he asked.
Together, they listened closely. It sounded like crying.
"Sounds like the wails of an old man," Soos said before his eyes widened, and he gasped. "I know those sobs! Follow me!" The handyman ran off as Patrick tried to keep up.
"Wait, Soos!" Patrick yelled as they took a left turn and then a right, the sound of the sobbing growing louder and louder.
They came to a stop and faced the wall of the panel from which it was coming. A yellow glow emanated from the top of it.
Soos didn't wait for Patrick and quickly ran to the wall and jumped. Catching the edge of it, he struggled to pull himself up and over it. To help out, Patrick ran over and pushed him as hard as he could up. Eventually, Soos was able to make it over the top and look down on the other side.
"I found Mr. Pines!"
"You found Stan?! I'm coming up!" Patrick yelled, backing up to the other wall and pulling out his crowbar.
Running towards the wall Soos was on as fast as he could, Patrick jumped up and hooked the curved end of his crowbar onto the edge. With his strength, he pulled himself up and rolled over the top. Falling into the comic panel, with Soos following him.
Landing on his feet on a grassy lawn, Patrick looked up and was confused by his surroundings. He didn't know any kind of comic box with this art style, with the exception of comic strips like Peanuts and Garfield. However, it was more amateurish.
And in this panel was his Grunkle Stanley, sobbing loudly at a homemade stand that looked like something Lucy would be behind, listening to Charlie Brown's troubles. Only this time, the sign over Stan said that he was selling knuckle sandwiches for $5.
Confused and a little worried, Patrick and Soos glance at one another.
"Uh, Stan," Patrick called out.
Stan quickly stood up in a panic. "Patrick! Soos! Uh…I wasn't crying! I was shooting attack poison from my eyes! Like a desert lizard! Stay back!"
"I don't care if you cry tears or poison! You can do it when we find the others and get you out of here," Patrick said.
"Wait! I…Find the others! I'll say here and wait for you," Stan said.
"What? Why," Patrick asked, shrugging in complete confusion. "What's so special about this comic?"
While they were talking, Soos took a moment to look around at the art style and their character design. "Come to think of it, I've never seen this comic before," he said.
Seeing that there was no use hiding it, Stan sighed and stood up from kneeling. "Fine," he said, spreading his arms out to gesture to the world around them. "Welcome to my greatest shame. My biggest failure. Lil' Stanley."
The two friends looked around, even more confused.
"This is your greatest shame," Patrick asked, thinking that his uncle could have had another greatest shame of all time bigger than this. "A comic?"
"It's not just a comic. Lil' Stanley is my comic!" Stan explained. I drew it when I was ten years old!"
"But I thought you hated comics," Soos said.
"I…I…" Soos broke down again. "I LOVED COMICS, SOOS!"
"...Still confused," Patrick said.
"Comics were my life, Patrick! My brother had his nerd books, while I had comics," Stan explained to his nephew. "I read them all! I read them all! Captain Nazi-Puncher, Skimparella, the X-cessive Force! Creating my own comic was my childhood dream! While Ford was reciting the digits of Pi in his sleep, I was planning a cartoon empire! But I was rejected by publishers. They said that Lil' Stanley contained too much 'swearing' for kids and was 'technically a pyramid scheme in comic form'. I gave up on punch lines and instead just took up punching in general. I was a cartoonist no more!"
Patrick looked at his uncle with sympathy. "So…that's why you hate comics," he asked.
"Yes, Patrick," Stan said, sighing sadly. "I also got in a fistfight with Stan Lee in 1973, which didn't help things."
"I…I don't even want to know why," Patrick said, deadpanning.
"So, yes, that's why I can't bear to see comics now," Stand said, turning around and crossing his arms. "I loved comics…but comics never loved me back."
He then saw someone walking. It was Sarcasti-Pup!
"Hey, you! Lil' Stanley for sale! Only three bucks!"
"I'm indifferent to Tuesdays," said the dog wearing the sass shirt.
"I'm gonna poison your lasagna, Sarcasti-Pup!" Stan yelled at the famous comic iconic, before he was pulled into a crushing hug by Soos.
"Dude, all this time, you were a fellow comic lover like me!" Soos said with join as Patrick smirked at them. "We have so much to discuss—secret identities, plot twists, convention odors, lettering…lettering, dude!"
"Keep it down!" Stan pushed his employee away. "I don't want Sarcasti-Pup to make fun of me," he said, looking to make sure Sarcasti-Pup wasn't listening. "His thought bubbles can be hurtfully sassy."
"Stan, you don't have to keep holding onto this hatred of comics anymore," Patrick said after Soos let him go. "Times have changed since you were a kid. No, comics today are more accepting of more mature themes, and not kid's books have all kinds of swearing in them."
"He's right!" Soos said, lifting his arms over his head. "Thanks to the internet, you can have an army of creepy fans without ever leaving your basement or putting on pants!"
"Really?" Stan asked, thinking about it. "I do hate pants…"
"You can still love comics, Stan," Patrick said with a supportive smile. "But first, there's something you need to apologize to." He pointed up.
Stan followed his finger before realizing what he meant. With an exasperated sigh, he called out to the curse that was controlling this world. "ALL RIGHT, LESSON LEARNED, PAL! I love comics, okay? Now let me outta here!"
YOU MEAN YOU LOVE GRAPHIC NOVELS.
"No, I mean comics," Stan said.
JUST SAY IT.
"NEVER!"
Patrick facepalmed. "Goddamnit."
IN THAT CASE, PREPARE FOR A "NOVEL" DEATH…
The world around Patrick, Soos, and Stan turned black, pulling them out of the comic and returning them to their normal forms. The three hugged each other as they fearfully awaited for what was to come.
AND IT'S GONNA BE QUITE "GRAPHIC"! HAHAHAHA—AUGH!
The voice yelled in anguish when, out of the blackness, Wendy used her ax to rip through the paper-thin layer of the void. Tearing into the fabric of reality and allowing her and the others to pass on through.
MY PRECIOUS PAPER STOCK!
"Wendy!" Patrick exclaimed with joy as he ran over to hug and kiss his girlfriend on the cheek. "You escaped and saved us!"
Blushing with a cool smile, Wendy said, "Yeah, I remember that this place is just made out of paper, so it was really easy to cut."
"Plus, we realized we'd need to pay another $14.99 to buy the next issue of this story," Dipper said.
"$14.99?! That's highway robbery!" Stan yelled. "As a former highway robber, I would know!"
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASY! I'LL JUST KEEP INTRODUCING PLOT TWISTS AND VILLAINS UNTIL YOU'RE DONE FOR, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME!
Patrick looked unimpressed and turned to Mabel. "You still got that whiteout," he asked and received a smile as his cousin pulled out the stuff. "Thank you."
Taking the whiteout, he opened the bottle and splashed it all over the text box, slowly killing it as it melted.
NOT WHITE-OUT! NOOOOOOOO!
IS THIS THE END OF ME?
YES, APPARENTLY!
With a zap of magic, after the curse was finally broken, the Pines family, Soos, and Wendy popped back into the real world, with the page of the comic that once held a portal now blank. They all breathed heavily, especially after feeling themselves return to normal after losing their 3-D bodies.
"The third dimension!" Dipper exclaimed as he hugged his body. "How I missed you!"
Wendy sat up and raised her finger. "Well, I think we've all learned a lesson today," she said with pride and confidence. "Reading is bad. We should burn all books and overthrow the government!"
Ford looked at her with uncertainty. "I…not sure that the takeaway here."
Patrick sighed and looked at his other great-uncle. "Well, I'm just glad to be back to norm—OH SHIT!" he yelled in shock and fear when he saw that Stan had anime eyes. Luckily, that was fixed with a shake of his head. "Oh, thank God."
The next morning, Patrick came downstairs and placed his latest work on the gift shop's counter.
"Alright, it was kind of a rushed job, but after staying up all night to draw, a little photocopying, some staples, and some nacho stains, I have finally completed Lil Stanley #1!" he declared with a grin as the others gather around. The artwork was so much better than what Stan could pull off.
"Whoa! It looks awesome, baby," Wendy said. She always knew Patrick was a great drawer, but to make a comic was impressive.
Stan, on the other hand, was doubtful and started to panic. "But…But…What if no one buys it!?"
"We'll advertise it online," Soos said.
"What if no one likes the jokes?!"
"I chuckled at some of them," said Patrick.
"What if you accidentally photocopied some of your hair in there?!"
"It's going to be fine, Mr. Pines," Wendy said before pointing to the magazine stand where the comic was being displayed. Look, you even have a customer."
The three of them looked to see a boy pulling out a copy of Lil' Stanley. This was it, the moment of truth. Too scared to look away, Stan could only watch as the boy opened the comic and started reading it.
"A book for kids that has swears in it," he said.
He then shocked Stan by plonking down the exact change for the comic.
"Cool!" he exclaimed before walking out of the store.
"Yes!" Patrick exclaimed as he, Wendy, and Soos cheered together. "See Stan, I told you…"
When he looked at his uncle, he smiled at the sight. His uncle, who had given up on what he loved so long ago, was now hugging his comic.
"Mr. Pines, are you crying again," Soos asked.
"I think I've got something in my eye!" Stan exclaimed with joy. At long last, comics loved him back.
The End.
AN: And there we have it. This is the first of many chapters for Weirder Things: Lost Legends. A friend asked me if I was going to be remaking the Weirder Things story, but while I might go back and do some editing to fix up the mistakes made, I'm not going to do that. It's a product of its time that perfect the way it is, even with all its imperfections.
Plus, what happens if another book comes out with more information? Would I have to start over again?
However, I will say that I ended up getting most of the stuff I made up for the story right in the books!
I especially love how closely I got to how the Prime/Canon Timeline was the only one in which Dipper and Mabel won. The idea of Father Time and his creation of Patrick was to give Patrick even greater importance to the story than he already did and to avoid people asking "whAt wAs ThE pOiNt oF HiM." Plus, it's good storytelling. But to know just how closely it connects to what we learned in the Book of Bill just makes me so happy to have made that decision.
Suck it, doubters.
With the Lost Legends, I'll be able to incorporate the new lore and lore that I missed, like the mass grave of lumberjacks under the Mystery Shack, Dipper, and Mabel's parents. I can also write the chapters I wanted to in the original story but never could, like a chapter where Patrick tries to impress Manly Dan or a Christmas special and episodes I left out.
I won't be updating this as much as the other stories. Those are my focus, and Weirder Things in Trolberg is the real sequel to the original story—at least it is now, unless Disney revives Gravity Falls for a third season.
Thank you very much for reading. Be safe, y'all.